4/20/18

Wow. It's been a month since my last post. It's been a mostly uneventful month too. Well, that's not entirely true. That was a lie, actually.

What's really been going on are mildish mixed episodes. Three or four days here, three or four days there . . . Mixed episodes are not fun. And mine weren't the fun euphoric type. No, mine were the racing thoughts, anxiety, and irrational anger type. I was a joy to be around (not really).

Yesterday, for example, I was cooking an egg. I set the spatula down on the edge of the pan. It slid off. I replaced it. It slid off again. So I cussed it out and threw it. Perfectly logical, right?

Right.

I've been having lots of icky down feelings too. Along with guilt (for being me) and paranoia. All in all it's been great fun. Or not. One of the two.

3/23/18

This isn't really the post I want to write. I want to write an uplifting happy post or a funny post or anything but this.

I'm so fucking angry right now. Just so full of anger and irritability and hate it's ridiculous. And not only that but anxiety and racing thoughts . . . paranoia. I'm not sleeping well. I seem to be in an irritability type hypomania. It's mild - thank God - but it's frustrating none the less.

I'm getting so pissed at every little thing. Pissed to the point I want to either destroy stuff or break down sobbing. I'm trying not to do either.

One of the things I'm pissed at is how I look. My size, my weight. I've gained so much weight because of my medications and I can't seem to lose it. At all. I HATE how I look. I can't stand it. So much so that I want to self harm. And the shitty thing is that I have no drive to workout. No motivation. I'm ready to give up and give in because of my fucking moods. I fucking hate this so much. I hate what I've become.

And I'm so paranoid that other people feel the same way, that other people hate me too. Or at the very least dislike me and only tolerate me because they have to. I think other people are mad at me. I know these are probably delusions but I can't stop feeling that they're true.

I really hate fucking feeling like this. And I don't know how to make it stop.

3/9/18

I wish I could eloquently describe how I've been feeling. When I sit down to write, everything gets scrambled in my head and I can't seem to get it out. It's a jumbled mess up there and nothing makes any sense. My mind has been racing again and my thoughts are confused and tangled and at war with one another. It makes writing nearly impossible.

But I'm going to try.

Since I got out of the hospital Feb. 12th I've been stuck in the annoying mild depression (save for 3 days of hypomania). It's the kind of depression where I feel hopeless and empty, down and dark, worthless and withdrawn. The emotions I exhibit are mostly faked - I don't feel much other than sadness, anger, or nothing. Mostly nothing.

I mostly feel nothing and it's so frustrating. This is the emptiness. I feel dead inside. I'm not a person. People have a range of emotions and I have nothing. I have a false smile, a laugh that is a hoax. I have to put on a facade in order to interact with people and it's exhausting. But it's what I have to do in order to fit in. God forbid people know I'm still depressed, still struggling.

That's not to say I can't feel real emotion. I'm good at feeling the sadness that accompanies my depression. I can certainly feel the anger as well. And, every once in awhile, I'll get a glimpse of how things could be. I'll laugh and for a split second feel truly happy. I'll hug my husband and feel content and at peace. Sadly, these feelings don't last but a moment and then they're gone. They're gone and my emptiness is back

I ask myself questions, like, is this as good as it gets? Is this emptiness and depression as good as it gets for me? I know the answer is no because I have felt better in the past. I have been stable and capable of emotions. I know the answer is no but it feels like it's yes. This depression is dragging on so long that I feel that this is as good as it gets and that I just have to deal with it. And how shitty is that? I mean seriously. Existing and living are not the same and right now I'm merely existing. I'm not living. This is not living. I go through the motions. I have no motivation, I have no drive. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning because the earlier I get up, the longer the day I have to struggle through.

And I don't know what more to do. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing. I'm doing everything right. I started yoga though, to see if it would help. Nothing so far. I'm going to revamp my diet - again - to see it that will help. I'm going to go to the gym more often. I'm really pushing the positive affirmations. Listening to music I love. The weather was gorgeous yesterday so I spent time outside. I take my meds, have ECT, see my therapist and psychiatrist regularly, go to a support group, I have a loving supportive family and friends, and job I love . . . so what do I do?

No one knows the answer and so I'm stuck. Stuck feeling nothing.

3/4/18

I should be at work right now but I discharged all of my patients so instead I'm at home, sitting in bed, trying not to cry (I'm failing). See, I'm struggling today. I'm having a hard time keeping my head above water. Everyone around me is talking and laughing and I can barely breathe.

I'm stuck in this mild depression. I'm not full of despair, it's not crippling, black, nothingness. But I'm an empty husk, a shell of who I should be. I don't have real emotions - they're all fake, a facade. My smiles are forced, my laugh a hoax. I'm trying my best but people saw through me today, including a patient's husband.

I'm withdrawn and quiet and flat but I'm trying desperately not to be this way, hence the faking. Fake it till you make it, right? I mean, that's what I'm trying but it just doesn't seem to be working. This is pretty much how I've been feeling since I was discharged from Peak View, save for a few days of hypomania. This fucking mild depression.

And the shitty thing is that I want to cut and I want to die. I'm not suicidal mind you, not really. But I wouldn't mind just . . . dying. And I want to cut myself so bad, I want to carve up my arm. I haven't  so far but I don't know how long that will last.

So that's where I'm at. Annoyingly, mildly depressed. Lost and sad and empty and losing hope and I don't see a point to anything anymore. It's a shitty place to be. 

2/28/18

Well. I'm having a rough day today. I'm trying to get stuff accomplished and it's just not happening. The most I can say I got done is 20 minutes of yoga and a load of laundry. At least that's something.

My mood is pretty crappy today, pretty down. I can't seem to snap out of it, I can't seem to bring myself up. I was trying to work on my book and that seemed to make things worse. So I stopped. And now I'm sitting here on the couch unsure of what to do with myself. I don't even know what to type.

Oh well. Guess I'll read for a little bit and probably end up napping.

2/15/18

Ten days since my last post and a lot has happened. I was hospitalized for one. Well, that's the biggie. I was hospitalized from 2/8 through 2/12/18. Five days in Peak View. It was needed. I was severely depressed and suicidal. There were no med changes (I told them there that I didn't want my meds changed unless they consulted with my normal psychiatrist). I think being away from the normal stressors and responsibilities of life is what helped. The first two days were rough (Thursday and Friday) and I was pretty bad off. But by Saturday and Sunday I was starting to feel better. Well enough to be discharged on Monday (thank God).

And now I've been home a few days and I'm still feeling depressed. Yes, I know my depression isn't going to magically go away just because I was inpatient a few days but lets be honest - I was secretly hoping it would. I feel so empty and down. Not anywhere near where I was when I went in, but still pretty shitty.

And it's fucking annoying.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he wants to increase the frequency of my ECT for a bit. Yay. I'm trying to get off of ECT, not do it more often. But, I also don't want to feel how I'm feeling. So yeah. I have ECT next Monday. And I guess we go from there.

I saw my therapist on Tuesday and we were trying to come up with strategies to keep me from getting as bad as I did. Sadly, we really didn't come up with anything. I'm already doing so much and as he says, I'm doing everything right. I'm a model patient. So I got some essential oils to try and I may try taking up yoga. The other thing he mentioned was medical massage. Some insurances may cover that so it's something to look into. I'm open to anything, really. I'm sick of feeling like this.

I'm going back to work this upcoming Sunday. Some may think that's too soon after what I went through, but I think it would be worse for me to just sit around at home. So I'm going to try going back and we'll see how it goes. 

That's about all I got right now. I'm writing about the hospitalization for my book so . . .

2/5/18

I'm sitting here on my couch as I write this, wishing I was in bed, asleep. I'm not tired, mind you, I just don't want to deal with how I'm feeling. See, sleep is like death but without the commitment. Though I'm longing for the commitment . . .

I'm feeling so empty and drained and hollow, like the husk of who I should be. There's just this void inside me where everything should be. I'm going through the motions of life without really feeling anything. I've been rather flat and withdrawn lately, although I'm trying desperately not to be. And I think I'm putting on a good show as everyone around me thinks I'm doing okay.

If only they knew . . .

The funny thing is is that I wouldn't necessarily call myself depressed right now. I'm not quite like how I usually am when I get depressed. Perhaps I'm on my way there, I don't know. This is more of a "confused-hanging-in-limbo" state. I have some symptoms of depression but I also seem rather stable still. Like, I want to die, but I know that's just my brain lying to me.

I don't know what to do with this state though. Nothing is enjoyable to me. Not reading or painting or writing . . . I don't want to do anything except lay in bed.

Jeremy says I do this. That I'm stable for 3-4 months and then I drop into a depression for several weeks to a month or two despite what meds I'm on, despite my ECT. Maybe he's right. Maybe this is just my natural pattern. Maybe I'm not in full blown depression because of the new med I'm on. I have no clue. All I know for certain is that I hate feeling like this. Why can't I be manic every 3-4 months? I call bullshit on this. Why can't I just be manic at all??

Despite any of this, all I know is that I'm struggling right now, regardless of what people think.