Tuesday 5/16/23 Anniversary

 Well hello there. Not much going on here. It has still been rather boring as of late. Nothing exciting to report. Although, tomorrow is our 20th wedding anniversary. Twenty years of marriage!!! (We've been together for 23 years) It's pretty amazing how fast time goes by. I, of course, work tomorrow, so we won't be doing anything really to celebrate. Our celebration is our trip to Japan (we leave a week from Thursday). It's crazy though . . . 20 years. And I love him more than when I married him, if that's even possible. 

Speaking of our Japan trip, I can't believe we leave next week! It's crept up on me. It doesn't feel real, like it's still months away. But nope! It's next week! I think we have all of our ducks in a row. I hope so. Still have to go to the post office and put our mail on hold until we get back . . . I plan on doing that on Thursday. I'm soooooo not looking forward to the 14 hour plane ride from LA to Tokyo. That is going to be brutal. Just brutal. But it'll be worth it, I'm sure. 

As far as my mood goes, I'm good. Stable, mostly happy, normal range of emotions. It's stellar. I'm worried about becoming hypomanic in Japan because of a screwed up sleep cycle and all of the stimulation. I think I'll be okay, but I still worry. I see my psychiatrist today so I'll chat with him about it. Otherwise, all is good. All is status quo. All is boring, quite honestly. Which, compared to the alternative, isn't such a bad thing. 

I don't plan on writing again until I get back from Japan - so 3-4 weeks from now. Maybe I'll even share some photos :) 

Thursday 5/4/23 Another 2 Weeks

 Well, another 2 weeks has gone by and I have nothing spectacular to report. I guess the big news is that I'm still stable, still doing well, and feeling "normal" (whatever that is). Which is wonderful, really. I had therapy 2 weeks ago and I don't see Becky again until after our trip to Japan. And I don't feel like I need to see her before that. Which is an amazing feeling. It's so weird to be stable again, but here I am. I'll just roll with it.

Speaking of the Japan trip . . . we leave on May 25th. Three weeks. OMG. It's come up so quickly! It's always felt so far off in the future and now it's just around the corner. We're only bringing carry on bags plus a personal bag each (we plan on doing laundry while there), so the other day I practice packed my suitcase to see what all I could fit in there - I want to be prepared! I could fit a whole lot more than I thought I was going to be able to fit in there. So that's awesome. I'm nervous about jet lag and how that's going to affect my mood. And I need to talk to Dr. M about when I should take my meds (I normally take them before bed, but with the 15ish hour time change I don't know if I should keep taking them on the same schedule which would mean taking them around lunch time, or if I should still take them before bed - I don't know!!). My mood is what worries me most (besides Moya, but I know she'll be in good hands). I guess we'll see how it goes and try to roll with it. 

That's really about it. Work has been work - but not bad - just work. Yeah. Can't really think of anything else. 

Okay bye. 

Thursday 4/20/23 Another long stretch

 Wow. It's been another long stretch since I've posted. There's a reason for this: I'm doing okay. I'm stable. I'm not depressed. Everything is status quo. I'm a normal functioning adult. Which is weird. Like, really weird. But I'm okay with it. I am. Or, at least, I'm trying to be. (Weird statement. I know. It's just that I'm so used to not being okay that being okay is completely different and a little scary).

I had therapy today and kind of hijacked it. Maybe a lot hijacked it. Because we didn't do much parts work - it was more talk therapy (like what I would do with Mike). But I felt it was a good session. We focused on mainly anxiety surrounding our trip to Japan. Because I'm super anxious about it. I woke up Tuesday morning at 2am and couldn't go back to sleep because my brain was coming up with every scenario possible of what could go wrong on the trip. So much fun. So Becky and I talked about it. She tried to reign me in and work some parts talk in, focusing on my anxious part, my creative part, etc. All in all though, it was a good session. I feel a little better about it. Maybe. 

There hasn't been much of anything else going on. I'm tired today, I have a headache. I've had a headache pretty much every day this week and last weekend. Not really digging it. I may just take a nap. We'll see. 

We found a gentleman to watch Moya while we're in Japan. Which is good because what to do with Moya has been a HUGE area of stress for me. I took her to a local kennel for a trial run last week. She apparently did great but I cried the whole way home after dropping her off because I was so worried and felt so bad. I really don't want her to be in a kennel for 2.5 weeks while we're gone. So we looked on Rover (a pet sitting website) and found a guy named Drew who happens to be a dog trainer. We met with him on Monday (with Moya, of course) and he really put me at ease. He's laid back and chill, good with dogs, and Moya seemed to get along well with his dog Echo. So Drew will be watching Moya while we're gone. I feel much better about this than leaving her in a kennel. Don't get me wrong - I'm still going to worry about her - but I know she'll be well cared for while we're away. *huge sigh of relief*

Anyway, that's all I got. I'm stable. I'm doing good. Moya is taken care of. Now I just have the rest of the Japan trip to worry about!

Saturday 11/28/20

 Sooooo . . . here we are again. Meeting on my blog. That I think only my hubby reads. Which is okay. I'm writing for myself - not for the masses. 

This past week has been, in all honesty, pretty boring. I've worked, I've painted. That's about it. It was Thanksgiving this past Thursday. A weird thanksgiving, amidst a pandemic. I worked, of course. But it was a slow day (only delivered one baby), and I was there with my bestie Lesley. A food truck came to the hospital, serving up thanksgiving staples for the employees for free. So that was nice. I talked with my grandparents and my mom (who surprisingly hadn't been drinking yet), hung out with Lesley a bit, and did a whole lotta nothing. All in all it was a good day.

My mood, amazingly, has been holding steady. I've been good. I'm laughing, I'm talking more, interacting with coworkers more, and just feeling really good. I feel stable. I feel normal. I feel human. It's so wonderful and awesome and I'm so blessed that I finally feel this way, for a prolonged period of time (5 months now). I did have some dipity doos a couple of months ago, but overall I have felt fantastic. 

I am officially working full time again now. Three 12 hour shifts a week. I'm excited about it. How strange is that? To be excited about working more. But I am. I think because it solidifies the truth that I'm doing better. Really, genuinely, doing better. And, of course, the extra money will be nice. I need to save up for my tattoo you know!

And, I'm not sure I've written about this yet (I don't remember and I'm too lazy right now to go back and look), but I've been doing the RCIA classes at my hubby's church. What's RCIA you ask? Well, it's classes to become Catholic. Yep. I'm doing that. Something that I never thought I'd be doing. If everything goes according to plan, I'll be baptized the Saturday evening mass before Easter Sunday (I was never baptized by my parents). It's kind of surreal to think about. And scary. And exciting. I'm having a sort of spiritual awakening, something I never thought would happen. I've been praying more - I don't have a routine down though. I don't even think I'm praying "correctly" (whatever that is). But I'm praying. And it feels good. It feels right. I can't believe I'm even typing this out - it's so foreign to me. But, that's where I am. 

So anyway, that's about it for now. I hope you all are doing well (points at hubby). 

Thursday 11/19/20 Therapy

 Well y'all, today I had my last "real" therapy session. What do I mean by "real"? I mean, my last regularly scheduled therapy session. Meaning, I'm no longer going to therapy. Which is crazy, and a little bit scary.

See, I've been going to therapy almost weekly for 8 years (sometimes I would go bi-weekly or monthly, but a lot of the time was weekly). Eight years people! That's a lot of therapy! And now, well, now I'm stable and have been for quite some time. My therapist and I had gone over my traumas years ago so there's not really anything I need to work on. In fact, todays session was a lot of BSing and laughing. 

But it is going to be weird not actually going. And of course, if I need a "tune up" all I have to do is call or text and set up an appointment. So yeah. I'm moving on. 

I've still been painting a lot - and have sold most of what I've painted. Which is convenient so that I don't have paintings lying around everywhere. And I need to save up money for my next tattoo. 

Here's what I painted today:

Well, one of the paintings I did today. I also painted a cardinal. Which I sold. But this is an artistic magpie! Isn't he cute? I love him.  I think he will be hanging on my wall soon. 

So anyway, I really want to give a shoutout to my therapist, Mike, for being awesome as hell and putting up with my crazy ass for 8 years. He's truly amazing.  

Friday 11/6/20 Magpie Fun

 I'm tired. I worked three 12-hour shifts in a row. It's been years since I've done that. I normally don't even work two shifts in a row if I can help it - it takes a toll on me. But this week I did three. And today I'm tired. I'm trying my best not to nap but I may end up taking one anyway. We'll see. 

Overall I'm doing pretty darn good. Some little dippity dos here and there, but overall I'm stable and happy. Which is amazing, really. I've been feeling much better since the end of July (yes, I've had some drops, but I've come back up). It's pretty nice to be feeling this way. Hopefully it'll keep up.

In my last post I mentioned my next tattoo - two magpies. I've been sketching magpies and today I painted another:

I like him. This painting isn't for my tattoo necessarily. I just felt like painting him. Magpies are so gorgeous with their iridescent feathers. I love them. But what I need to be doing is painting stuff that I can sell so I can save up for my tattoo. I'm really itching to get it done. It's been a long time since I've gotten new ink. 

It's kind of weird . . . when I feel like crap all I want to do is write. And when I'm feeling good, I can't think of anything to say. Well, I guess that's all for now. 

Saturday 9//26/20 Birthday Fun

 So. Nothing much has been going on since my last post. Life is rather . . . boring. Which I guess is a good thing. Because I'm stable and doing well. But it's also boring. Ugh. What to do, what to do.

My birthday was yesterday. I turned 42. It's kind of hard to think of myself as being 42 since I still feel like I'm in my late 20's/early 30's. That's probably good. Better than feeling old. Hubby and I went up to Estes Park yesterday (small mountain town that I love) and hung out, walked the shops and around the lake, had lunch, and some delicious iced chai pumpkin lattes. It was a lovely day. And we topped it off with Chic-Fil-A, which I do love. 

I've still been having anger days. Those haven't seemed to go away at all. Once or twice a week. It's not crazy anger, thank goodness, but it's there, and it's annoying. But I'm dealing with it just fine, so that's good. Or at least I think I'm dealing with it fine. Hubs might beg to differ. 

Next week I'm going to start scanning my artwork into the computer. I'm not looking forward to this. At all. It's a boring, tedious process that takes forever. But it must be done! And having my artwork in the computer means I can share it here! For all of the 2-3 people who read my blog to see! Haha! Yes!

So yeah. Life is pretty boring right now. But I have no depression so that's good. 

The End. 

For today at least.  

Saturday 8/29/20 - Well Damn

 Only a few days since my last post. Kinda weird, eh? Yeah. I'm having an off day today. Very cranky, a little down, a lot frustrated. See, the past 2 months I've been feeling damn good. Happy and content and good. And today . . . I'm not. And it really is very frustrating. Now, I know my moods are going to fluctuate. I know this. But that doesn't mean I want them to. Why can't I just be rainbows and sunshine all the time? Why do I have to have off days?

When I have an off day I think my depression is coming back. That all the hard work I put into doing my program isn't working. And that scares me. And tends to compound my bad mood. I start a spiral. A downward spiral. And this is not a good thing. It brings me back to my old habits. Habits I'm trying to lose. 

I made myself take a break today. Instead of going out with my hubby and son I stayed home and took a nap. It was a short nap, but it was a nap. Then I went through all my notes from the program, really studied them and thought about them. And those two things helped. A bit. I'm better now than I was earlier today. I was seeing darkness earlier today and now I'm not. Or at least not as much. Which is why I felt the need to write. 

Ugh. I just want to be perpetually better. Where I don't have to think about it, where I don't have to try so damn hard. I know I'll get there . . . eventually.  I just wish I was there now. Oh well.

In other news, I saw the endodontist on Wednesday and had a root canal done. Delightful. Actually, the root canal itself isn't all that bad - he numbed me up good so that I didn't feel a thing. But now my tooth aches and I can't chew on my left side and if I accidentally clench down I get sharp zingers of pain. I still have to get my permanent crown place which will hopefully be done on Tuesday. Until then it's aches and zingers and chewing on my right side. It's really not that much fun.

Tuesday 8/25/20 Wow

 Wow you guys. It's been awhile since I last posted. I've noticed something - when I'm not depressed I have less of a tendency to write, both on my blog and in my personal mood journal. I write daily in my mood journal and I've noticed some days I'm forgetting, or I hardly write anything. I guess this is a good sign. 

I believe in my last post I wrote about decreasing my lithium dose. Well, by the end of the week I'll be completely off of lithium! My doc still doesn't know this, as I don't see him until September 14th. But I'm feeling better! The tremors are almost gone, the swelling in my ankles and feet is quite a bit less, and my libido is coming back! And no sign of hypomania! Definitely a win!

In other news, I cracked a tooth a couple of weeks ago. I have no idea how. It just started hurting. One of my back molars. Went to the dentist and yup. Cracked. I see the endodontist tomorrow and will probably be having a root canal done. So much fun! I know you're jealous! 

There's nothing much else going on. I'm just so grateful that I'm feeling better! My plan is to go back to full time by January, as long as I'm still doing well (I'm working part-time right now). The extra income would help so much. And I feel I'm up to the challenge!

Not much else going on. Oh! Ayden (my kid) started school yesterday (8th grade), all online thanks to stupid coronavirus. I'm hoping he's actually able to learn something. He was bummed that he doesn't get to go to school. He's all for in person learning. Oh well, what can you do. 

Friday 7/31/20 Well it's Friday

Hello weirdos! It's Friday! And the last day of July! Which I'm having a hard time believing it's August tomorrow. This year has been the fastest, yet the slowest year EVER. 

So . . . what's been going on? How have you all been?

I'm surprisingly still doing well. My good, stable mood is holding steady. Which is amazing and awesome and nice! I'm loving feeling like myself again. I'm going to give it 6 months, and if I'm still doing well, I'm going to try and go back to working full time. Wouldn't that be amazing?! I haven't been full time for 6 years! I'd love to be able to contribute more to our income. So that is my goal. I'm also tossing around the idea of volunteering at the therapeutic riding center again. We'll see.

There isn't anything else much going on. I'm still working on my mental and emotional mastery program (I'm actually almost done!). When I finish it, I'm going to go back through the whole program again, really solidify all of the information. I'm really enjoying this program and it has been beyond helpful!

In my last post I discussed how I went down on my Lithium by myself without consulting my doc. Well, no ill effects so far. I still have my tremor but it is slightly less. I may just go down by another pill (from 3, down to 2, down to 1). We'll see. Going off of it completely would be nice. But again, we'll see. 

That's about it. Nothing else fun or exciting going on. Take care, my little weirdos!

Thursday 7/23/20 Therapy and stuff

Hello my little weirdos! How is everyone doing today? I hope you all are doing well :)

It's been about a week and a half since I last wrote and not too much has changed. I'm still feeling pretty dang good. More than good some days (like today). I feel like myself again! Which is AMAZING! I attribute this partly to being on Wellbutrin and mostly Ty Hicks' Mental and Emotional Mastery program that I've been working. This program has opened my eyes to my own toxic habits and is helping me change them permanently. It's the bomb diggity! So yeah, feeling better.

Anyway, I had therapy today and I had a good session. M and I talked about a myriad of topics including my continued good mood, how work is going (great), and, of course, my mom. Ugh. I hate talking about her, but considering I continue to have issues with my relationship with her, I need to continue to talk about her (my mom is an alcoholic, btw, has been since before I was born). I did drop a bomb on M too - I decreased my lithium dose without consulting my psychiatrist. 

Yep. 

I decreased my own medication without talking to my doc first. Might be a stupid move, we'll find out. I've been on my lower dose for 9 days and I don't feel a difference (yet). Why did I do this? Because my tremor (a side effect of lithium) has been getting progressively worse. I didn't want to decrease my dose at the same time I was starting Wellbutrin as two med changes at the same time can be dangerous. And I didn't decrease by much. I usually take 3 tablets a day, I decreased it to 2 (the tablets are 450mg each). We'll see how this plays out. I see Dr. M in September. I'm guessing he won't be pleased. Oh well. 

That's about it. Not much this week. I'm thinking about posting some of my artwork here . . . we'll see.  

Wednesday 11/20/19

If you read my last post you know I'm struggling just a little. It's a silent struggle mostly - I'm not being vocal about it to friends or family. As far as everyone is concerned I'm A-OK. Maybe this isn't the best thing to do. Maybe I should speak up instead of silently suffering. It's just that, well, everyone wants me to be doing good and I don't want to let them down. TMS was the silver bullet to my depression - it worked. And to have my depression come back before I've even paid off treatment . . . well, I can't stand that scenario.

As of right now it's just little things. Like anger. I'm getting angry at stupid little things. And yes, I know, everyone does this from time to time. But it's becoming more frequent and consistent for me.

Sleeping. I'm starting to sleep entirely too much. Sleeping in, naps, you name it, I'm doing it. I wake up around 5am and feel awake. So what do I do? I go back to bed until 8 when I have to take my son to school. When I get home from that I tend to go back to bed until 10 or 11 before I get up and get ready for the day. If I don't know what to do with my time I'll nap. This happens every day I don't work. It's becoming obscene.

Negative thinking. Negative thinking and I go way back, back to my childhood where I never thought I was good enough. But when I've been feeling better I've been able to manage it pretty well. Well, not anymore. Negative thinking is taking over in a no-holds-barred match. It's like, if I can put a negative spin on something, I will. Now, keep in mind these thoughts are automatic - I'm not purposefully doing this. But they're there, and as much as I try to counter them they seem to be winning out.

Motivation and inspiration. My motivation for virtually anything is long gone. I'm still getting my butt to the gym, though not as regularly as I'd like, because of my lack of motivation. I also have no motivation to do things like keep my house clean or shower. Sometimes I have a hard time feeding myself because I just don't care. Part of me really wants to draw and paint because that's one thing I really enjoy. But I don't have inspiration for what to paint or the motivation to accomplish it. Just yesterday I sketched some jackrabbits and thought that maybe - just maybe - I'll come up with an idea for a painting I can do today. Well, that didn't happen. Here I sit, blogging, having slept in until 11am. No motivation. No inspiration.

Little things. Little things either piss me off or bring me close to tears (mind you, I haven't been able to cry since TMS). For example, I have a pilonidal cyst (a cyst on my tailbone). It's very painful - very painful. I'm having a hard time handling this. I feel overwhelmed and near my wits end because of this. Another example - I dropped my spoon this morning. I yelled, cussed and nearly cried. Because I dropped my spoon. Little things are getting to me. I just can't handle them.

Now for me, these all seem like warning signs of early depression. I so far don't feel depressed - at least how I feel when I am depressed. But it makes me think (and overthink) and worry that I'm in for a relapse. Sadly I don't have therapy again until Dec. 5th. Don't see my psychiatrist until Dec. 10th. So I guess I'mm winging it until then. :(

Thursday 10/10/19

I'm curled up on my couch in a hoodie with a big fluffy blanket wrapped around me. The heat is turned on but I'm still cold. That's not surprising though - it went from 75 degrees and sunny yesterday to 20 degrees and snowing today. That's not uncommon here in Colorado. My body isn't used to the cold.

Everything has been super uneventful. Seriously. Nothing exciting is happening at all. I'm working my two 12's a week, trying to stay productive on my days off (doesn't always happen), and get to the gym despite the pain I'm having.  It's all rather boring. But that's a good thing I think. Usually when there's excitement with me it's the wrong kind.

I've been reading more, which is nice. Of course, I've been reading more because I don't have any inspiration for artwork. I want to draw and paint, I just don't know what I should draw and paint. I thought about joining an art challenge for the moth of October - called Inktober - but I couldn't come up with anything to draw after looking at the prompts. I felt overwhelmed. So I'm not doing it.

Mood wise I've been doing pretty darn good. Which is really amazing. I feel pretty great, actually. It's so weird not having my black cloud around. I don't want to sound too ambitious, but I'm hoping I get at least a year of this before my depression comes back. Wouldn't that be something? The most I usually get is a couple of months. But this time it feels different. I'm actually feeling - I'm not just flat or numb. So hopefully it will last.

Pain wise I'm about the same. Yesterday was a bad pain day where I was stiff and aching all over. Hubs and I went to the gym and tried to do legs. Well, he did legs, I tried. My knees hurt too bad to do much of anything. Stupid fibromyalgia.

Well, I don't really have much to write about right now. Probably I'll take a short nap and read. I'm going to try and write at least once a week, even if it's just boring mediocre stuff. So until next time . . .   

Wednesday 9/4/19

I look over my shoulder and there it is: the black cloud. The same cloud that's followed me my whole life is back and it's getting closer. I try to run from it to no avail - the cloud easily keeps up. It's not raining - not yet - but the rain is inevitable. It always comes, no matter how little sun I've had.

This is how I'm feeling right now. I'm almost finished with my TMS treatment. I have 3 more regular sessions to go before I start my taper (3 weeks of 2 treatments per week). And then that's it. I'll be done. And I have to say I've done quite well with it. My depression scale scores have dropped dramatically, I've been feeling better, smiling, laughing, talking, interacting. That existential dread that I used to feel in the mornings is gone. I don't want to die. I don't want to die.

So what's the problem then?

It's that black cloud. It's back. It's not hovering over me quite yet, but it's there. I can feel it. That little tickle on the back of my neck . . . it's there. Little nuances I'm picking up on. Negative thinking, feeling empty, questioning my existence. That damn cloud is moving ever closer.

I'm working hard to keep it at bay. Countering my negative thoughts, filling my days with things I enjoy . . . I read a book called The Depression Cure by Stephen S Ilardi  and I'm following his program to combat depression (I recommend reading the book - it's very interesting and makes a lot of sense). I'm keeping up with therapy and follow up appointments, going to my TMS classes, eating healthier and exercising more. What more can I do? No really - what more?

That black cloud keeps moving closer and the rain is inevitable. So why run? What good will it do? If the rain is going to come . . . well, it's going to come.

Perhaps this time I should learn to dance in it.

Monday 7/8/19

I was supposed to have therapy today. At noon. But my therapist forgot, somehow, and I didn't get to have my session. I sat in the waiting room with no receptionist, classical music blaring, until 12:36 - the time that I called my therapist, M, and left him a message that I had been there, apparently there was a miscommunication of sorts, and that I was leaving. I asked him to call me back so we could reschedule.

And I left.

And I didn't realize how much I needed therapy today until I didn't have it. I didn't realize how much I was struggling and needed to talk until I left M's office in tears. The slightest mishap breaking me down.

All I want to do anymore is sleep. I wake up looking forward to bedtime and that's it. I nap every day I don't work so that I can escape reality and my crummy feelings. Because sleep is like death without the commitment. It's my only escape.

I'm starting the process to be "approved" for TMS. I talked to D today and she sent me the paperwork I need to fill out and turn in. This causes a problem for me. It makes all my self-doubt, self-hate and self-worth issues scream even louder. I can't hum to myself and ignore the cacophony. No, I'm bombarded with a level of self loathing you can't even imagine, which brings my mood down even lower than before.

Why is this? Why don't I feel worthy of treatment? I know that I'm scared. Scared of what stable and well will look like. I've always been scared of that. When you've lived your entire life with depression . . . well, remission is terrifying. Is this why I don't feel worthy?

I'm also scared that I'll fail, that treatment won't work for me. And where will I be then? Because I can't keep living like this. I can't. This is no way to live.

Hubby has this grand plan that I'll start TMS, I'll get back in the gym, and I'll get better and lose weight and everything will be all hunky-dory. And I'm scared that I'll fail him. I don't even deserve treatment, let alone having it work well for me. I'm worried it won't work. That I won't get back in the gym. That I won't get better and/or lose weight.

I'm worried that everything will fall to pieces and I'll be left worse off than I am now because I will have lost my only shred of hope.

Damn I wish I could have had therapy today.

M did call me back, by the way, and apologized. He said I could smack him. And I might take him up on that because I have to wait another week to see him.

In the meantime I guess I keep plugging through, picking myself up by the boot straps. I just wish I knew how to keep doing that.

3/22/19

Well. I'm having a bit of a rough go of it today. Which is annoying. My mood is down - not depressed - but down. And all because my brain is an asshole and won't shut up. My brain likes being an asshole, and it's good at it. Too good at it. What's it doing . . .?

I was getting ready this morning and happened to really look at myself in the mirror. I look at myself in the mirror all the time but this morning . . . this morning was different. I was immediately filled with self loathing. I could see every flaw, every wrinkle, every fold of fat. I could see it all. The bags under my eyes, the dull grey color of my eyes, how my hair was just laying there, no volume, no real style. How ugly and fat I was.

You look hideous. You look old and worn out. You're fat. Are you even trying to lose weight because it looks like you're gaining more. You're so frumpy. You have no sense of style. How does Jeremy even still love you? Ayden is embarrassed by you. You have wrinkles every where I can see your pores you don't do anything with your hair look how your stomach hangs you look pale I'm surprised Jeremy hasn't leftyouyou'reworthlessyouhavenothingtogivewhydon'tyoujustkillyourself . . . . . .

All of the negative thoughts started running together. It was hard to even separate them. My eyes welled up with tears as I stood there looking at myself and listening to my brain barrage me. I couldn't move. I was frozen there, trying my best not to cry because Ayden was in his room next door. I didn't want him to hear me.

Even 6 months ago this would have gotten to me. This would have hit me hard. Now, that's not to say that it didn't hit me. On the contrary. My mood went south in a heartbeat. But the difference between now and 6 months ago is now I'm stable. Now I know how to counter these thoughts and practice self care. And that's what I did. I countered these thoughts. I told myself that I was beautiful in and out. That even though I was overweight and not where I want to be that didn't make Jeremy love me any less. And you know what?

It kind of helped.

That sounds stupid, doesn't it? I'm sure you were waiting for me to say that it worked. That I went about my day feeling happy with no more negative self talk. But that's simply not true. That's, sadly, not how my brain works. It has been barraging me with negative comments all day. So much so that I feel mentally exhausted. But I'm countering them. I'm keeping myself from going deeper. I'm writing about it in hopes that this will help.

Six months ago I would have felt like shit. Today I feel down and worn out, but definitely not like shit. So I'd say that's progress.    

2/25/19

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why does part of me want to be sick again? What kind of twisted, fucked up person am I??

No, seriously.

What. The actual. Fuck. Is wrong with me?

There is a small part of me that wants to be sick again. That wants to be hospitalized again. And I just . . . I don't understand it. At all. I can't even fathom wanting to be sick again. It's awful. It's horrible. And to actually want to be like that? Depressed again? Suicidal again? No. I don't get it.

It's actually very difficult for me to even write about this, to get it out there. I'm embarrassed of it. Ashamed of it. And it makes me feel guilty. Guilty because I've gone through so much and worked so hard to get stable and part of me wants to throw it all away. And for what? Attention?

Attention. That's about the only thing I can come up with. Because I do get more attention when I'm sick. But that attention? It's not worth my stability. So I don't know . . .

What else could it be . . . Familiarity? I am used to being depressed. I've spent most of my life depressed and let's be honest - stability is a little scary. I don't know how to act. I don't know what "normal" is.

But stability is so wonderful. It's so much better than the hell of depression. Stability is even better than hypomania (let's be honest - that's because I usually get irritable hypomania, not euphoric). Stability is necessary for my family, necessary for work, necessary for me.

So why? Why does part of me want to be sick again?

1/22/19

I'm sitting in my living room, wrapped up in a blanket, sipping tea, and utterly enjoying myself. I'm relaxed and content, warm and happy.

And you have no idea how weird this is.

No seriously. It's really fucking weird. To not be depressed? To not feel empty and hopeless and down? To not want to die? It's really fucking weird. See, I'm so used to being depressed that I don't know what to do with myself or how to act when I'm not depressed. How stupid is that?

Actually, it's not that stupid. See, you do one thing for so long that you forget how to do the other thing. The other thing for me is being happy. But you know what? I'm going to own that. I'm going to make being happy my bitch! Yes I am!

It just means that I have to relearn how to be me. Truth be told, I've become more of an introvert and a bit awkward around people. Maybe that truly is the new me. If so, I can work with that. Maybe that's just how I was while dealing with depression and now I'll blossom. Time will tell.

At any rate, I'm actually feeling content and happy and I don't want to die and this is freaking HUGE y'all!

In other news, my talk with Dr. M went well and I am no longer doing ECT. He told me that if the depression comes back and I feel like I need a treatment I can just call and get on the schedule. He was fully supportive of me taking a break and seeing how I do without it for which I'm so grateful. It has officially been 9 weeks since my last ECT treatment and I'm doing good so hopefully that's an indication of things to come. 

12/27/18

Well, I survived Christmas. Isn't that nice? Sure it is. It's nice.

I survived, but I'm not doing great. No, sadly, I'm still empty and tired and drained and fake and close to tears more often than I'd like. It's really frustrating. I'm tired of it, so fucking tired of it, but I think this is truly my baseline. I think this is as good as it gets. I think I'm either this, or I'm worse. And seriously, that sucks.

I worked yesterday and it was ridiculously busy. We did 6 c-sections and 3 vaginal deliveries (normally we do 2 c-sections in a day). I was running around like crazy (for those of you who don't remember, I'm a nursery nurse at a busy birth center - so I attend all of the deliveries). It was physically tiring, yes, but more than that it was mentally exhausting. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball somewhere and not exist. It was like I couldn't cope. My facade of being okay started crumbling. I was struggling. I started binging on cookies and caramel popcorn (I'm an emotional eater and there was junk food everywhere). When I got home I had nothing left for my hubby or son. I was done. I wasn't very interactive. I went to bed.

And then I didn't sleep well because I was mulling over and over about how I wasn't very interactive with my family. Guilt. Beating myself up. Self hatred. All stuff I'm very good at. Too good at. So I lost quite a bit of sleep.

Today is a low day for me. Today I'm disgusted with myself. For my binging yesterday, for coming unraveled and not coping, for not giving my family the attention they deserve. I've been beating myself up today, contributing to my low feelings. Making them worse. I should be packing. We move in a week. And I did pack, a little. But I couldn't focus. I couldn't concentrate. My mind is a mess. So I packed 3 boxes and had to call it quits. Which makes me feel bad that I didn't do more. Making me feel worse. It's a downward spiral.

Maybe if the next 2-3 weeks were over. Maybe if we were moved and unpacked and settled and I was getting into a routine. Maybe then things would be okay. Maybe then I would feel better. Probably not, but maybe.    

Hang on, hang on
When all is shattered, when all your hope is gone
Who knows
How long
But there's a twilight, a nighttime, and a dawn
We break, we bend
With hand, in hand
When hope is gone
Just hang on, hang on
          -Guster

These lyrics are helping me get through. This song. Hang On . Because that's what I have to do . Hang on. I really have no other choice.

12/10/18

This post may not make much sense. I don't know. I just got home from seeing my psychiatrist and I have a whopping headache, right above my left eye. I can't concentrate.

Let's talk about my appointment with my psychiatrist Dr. M. I like Dr. M. I trust him. I think he does a  good job. But sometimes I don't think he really hears me. Like today. He told me that he thinks I'm doing better than I have been in a long time. That I'm not having extreme ups and downs. I still may be cycling, but I'm stable. I'm stable.

Which, you know what, that's true I guess. I'm not having extreme ups and downs. I'm manageable right now. But I am still cycling, mostly with depression. I'm swimming just below the surface, trying desperately to break through to gasp for air. But it's not happening. The surface is frozen solid and I'm trapped below, slowly losing my steam.

To most people I seem fine. I seem normal. Maybe even like my old self, albeit a little quiet. This is because I'm pretending. I'm putting up a facade that everything is okay. People expect it to be. So they look past the quietness, they look past the blank stares and the vacant look in my eyes. My hubby can tell, as can my close friends. But most people can't.

Most days I'm empty and emotionless. Numb. A husk of who I should be. I have a flat affect and I have to pretend to have feelings to fit in. I even pretend around my hubby because I don't want him to have to deal with me like that day in and day out. Sometimes, I'll even have real feelings. Sadly though, they're not good ones. They're hopelessness, despair, dread, sadness, guilt, and shame. All the feelings of "real" depression.

I explained this to Dr. M and he kind of dismissed it. He said that yes, I'm cycling, but to hang in there and it would get better. Hang in there and it will get better?? I've been in this current down cycle for 4 freaking months! When? When is it going to get better? Of course he can't answer that question. I asked about uppers and he said no. He was worried that 1. they could make me manic, and 2. they could make my depression worse.

Great.

Flailing desperately below the surface appears to be as good as it gets for me.

It'a a damn good thing I'm stubborn.