Tuesday 8/15/23 Results

 Well hello there. I saw the functional medicine practitioner yesterday and got the results of my bloodwork: my thyroid is fine. Which is, I guess, good news, right? But then why am I having symptoms? Well, I have other stuff wrong with me. Mainly gut issues. Absorption issues. My body is not utilizing what I'm giving it. Not even water - my labs showed me to be pretty dehydrated (even though I drink tons of water, my body just isn't using it at a cellular level - I just pee it all out). I'm really low in key nutrients: magnesium, zinc, calcium, protein. All of which can give me hypothyroid like symptoms and depression. My iron is double what it should be - meaning my body isn't utilizing it as it should and this is what's likely causing my heart palpitations (excess iron is often deposited around the heart). My kidney functioning is down, my fasting blood sugar was elevated (they said probably due to reactive hypoglycemia), and my cholesterol wasn't stellar. It was lots of information. After this information dump they went over the gist of the plan they laid out for me. Detox, remove major food groups then slowly reintroduce them to see what's causing me gut inflammation, exercise, supplements, more blood work, meeting with them every other week for 6 months . . . all for the low, low price of $7600. Oh. My. God. I knew their program was going to be expensive, but $7600??? I was thinking around 2-3 grand. So that really just made it unavailable to me. So yeah. No working with them right now. So I did some research and found a new multivitamin without iron (which they suggested), a good magnesium supplement, and digestive enzymes to help my body use nutrients. I don't know how I'm going to get over being dehydrated - I drink around 70-80oz of water a day. I don't think I can drink more than that - especially with how much it makes me pee (I mean, I got up 4 times last night to pee!). I'm going to try and eat more whole foods and cut out refined sugar where I can. I'm taking a good probiotic. I'm trying to exercise consistently. 

Speaking of exercising, I've been doing yoga. Every day for 7 days straight so far. And I'm loving it. I look forward to it. I'm even getting up early before work to do it (3 days so far). I ordered a Pilates bar with bands so I can start doing some Pilates (something else I'm looking forward to and excited about). Yesterday I did chest and arms; today I did shoulders and back (lifting). Thursday I'll do legs. Like, I'm trying. I haven't felt excited about working out for a loooooong time. Years. But with yoga and Pilates I'm getting excited about it. About getting stronger and transforming my body. I really want to do this and that's something I haven't felt for years. And maybe getting this bloodwork back is the kick in the pants I need to really start taking care of myself. Now if only I could change my mindset . . .

Mindset. That's something else I need to work on. I'm okay when I'm not at work. Maybe a little blah here and there, but mostly okay. But at work, man. I'm just not happy. I'm not enjoying myself. I'm struggling. I find it hard to engage with people, to connect with patients. I don't want to do anything. I haven't been going out of my way to help people - instead I retreat and hide away. Which is not how I want to be. But I don't know how to change it. I'm burnt out. I'm tired. And I don't know if it's just depression making me feel this way or if I really need to change jobs. I'm just so worried that if I change jobs I'll be unhappy there, too. At least where I'm at I know my job and the people I work with. Starting over is so scary. Everything just feels so . . . stagnant. And I've been feeling this for awhile. For the better part of a year. It's getting more and more pronounced as time moves on. To the point where I dread going to work. And, what makes it hard too is that I don't have many friends. I have people I'm friendly with, but not many actual friends. My best friend Lesley is out on FMLA and most likely not coming back. In fact, she's probably moving to Ohio. My other good friend, Beth, only works weekends so I rarely see her. And my friend Tracy, I hardly ever see her. Like, I don't think I've seen her once in the past month. Everyone else are coworkers who I can mostly be friendly with, but don't really open up to. And that makes for a long day when you aren't really talking and don't want to be there in the first place. Ugh. I wish I knew what to do. 

So anyway, I guess I'll leave you with some artwork:

This is "Mushroom", part of my Growth series. I like how he turned out. It's 5X7, ballpoint pen.

Monday 7/24/23 Well, it's a Monday

 It's Monday. How . . . wonderful. I've been super cranky today for no real reason. I woke up this way. Cranky with no motivation. I forced myself to workout, go me. I have 4 drawings that I'm working on that need to be painted . . . that didn't get done today. Nope. I worked out, went to the store, listened to a podcast, had lunch, took a nap. And now I'm here, writing a bunch of BS while drinking matcha. Oy. 

I have a "consultation" on Wednesday. Basically a doctor's visit. Because I have almost every hypothyroid symptom one can have but my actual doctor keeps brushing me off because my thyroid levels are in the "normal" range. So I'm seeing a functional medicine doc to go over my history and symptoms and get their opinion. I'm tired of being cold. I'm tired of losing so much hair. I'm tired of dry skin and not being to lose weight no matter how little or how much I eat. I'm tired of feeling like I need a nap to get through the day (or tons of caffeine). So yeah. I have a consult on Wednesday. We'll se how that goes. It's an hour long and I have a ton of paperwork to fill out. But maybe they'll have answers for me. 

In other news, my mood has been slightly better overall? Maybe? On my days off I'm okay. Friday at work I was surprisingly okay (which was good because I had a VERY difficult patient who required tons of attention and "love"). Yesterday I was less okay, but not bad. I work tomorrow and I'm not really looking forward to it. Makes me realize I'm truly burnt out. I don't really enjoy my job most days and that sucks. 

Wow. I don't really have more I want to write. Mainly because I'm in such a negative headspace right now. So instead I'll share some paintings from my Growth series. 

 First up is Red Fox. With an aspen tree -  2 of my favorite things.

Next we have Fawn.

And last, Mountain Bluebird. 

These are the first 3 paintings in the series. I have 2 more sketched out (that I should have painted today, but didn't). I'm not really sure where I'm going with this series but I have a tiny bit of inspiration so I'm running with it. 

Wednesday 12/14/22 December

 Well, we're almost half way through December already, which is pretty crazy. Time sure is flying by. Before we know it it will be 2023 (which will hopefully be a better year).

I went to the doctor this morning as I've been having lower back pain. Only on the right, though. About where my kidney is and a little below that. I pretty much knew what he was going to say, but I still went. Annoying though is that my appointment was at 9:20 - fairly early morning - but he was already running 40 minutes behind. Ugh. My doc is always behind. He likes to take his time with patients - which is great - but it puts him far behind. Sometimes over an hour. Which is frustrating. So. What he said. 1. I need to wear better shoes, not my beloved Pumas, which are flat. 2. Arch support insoles in my shoes. 3. Lose weight (dude, I'm trying). And 4. Physical therapy. I'm not looking forward to physical therapy. Mainly because my insurance doesn't cover that much and it ends up being around $75 a visit. It gets expensive real quick. I'm hoping for like 2-3 visits where they can teach me the exercises and stretches and I can just do them at home. 

I ordered the insoles he recommended, which weren't, thankfully, expensive. And as for the weight loss . . . I'm trying. I really am. But I need to kick my efforts up a notch. I can't seem to get under 210. It's frustrating. I want to at least be down to 170, preferably 160. But I can't seem to get my weight to budge. For months now. If it changes it's because it's going up. I know I need to be more consistent with exercising, I know I could be eating better. It's just so freaking hard when I have no motivation. You'd think going to Japan would be enough motivation but I'm struggling. And it doesn't help that I've had several "bad mood" days this past week which makes doing anything that much more difficult. I haven't accomplished anything this week so far. No painting, no real cleaning, no working out, not even opening a book to read. I spent most of Monday in bed. I was supposed to work, was called off, and just stayed in bed. Worked yesterday. Today I feel like doing nothing except taking a nap. I have no energy. I know I'd feel better if I accomplished something . . . I just don't know if I will. Damn my self-sabotaging self. 

I really have nothing left to say this week. Hopefully I'll get my ass in gear.  

Wednesday 10/13/21 More Tattoo Concept Art

 Well, well, well . . . it seems another week has gone by. It's been, actually, a very unproductive week for me. Mostly thanks to work and being lazy on my days off. It's all thanks to that, let's be honest. I've been feeling rather lazy as of late. Take this morning for example: got up at 7, took the boy to school, had breakfast and coffee, then laid back down for another hour before showering. And now I'm blogging instead of sewing or painting or cleaning. Lazy. I think I kind of need it though. Because of reasons. 

I had my yearly physical on Monday, so much fun. My doc felt some lumps in my right breast, one of which I knew was there (it's been biopsied before and has a marker in it), but there's a couple more now. It's been two years since my last mammogram, so hooray! I get to have another one done! It's scheduled for Nov. 9th. Otherwise I got a clean bill of health. She wants my labs to be drawn in February so that it's been a full year since the last time I had them done. I asked about the feelings of malaise I've been getting, and the headaches, every day for over a month now. She thinks it's probably diet related. Most likely sugar. Granted, in the past month and a half I have been eating a TON more sugar. A lot more than before I had my tooth pulled the end of August, so that kinda makes sense. So I guess I gotta cut back again. Which sucks because sugar is tasty. Oh well. 

I came up with a new tattoo concept for my left forearm which I really love. It's a fox, of course, and should fit nicely over my scars. 

I'm really digging this design. Like, I'm pretty positive this is it. This is my next tattoo. Now I just have to save up some money (cause tattoos are expensive, duh). But yeah, I'm stoked. 

The other day I texted my therapist just to check in, let him know how I was doing and that I appreciate him so much. He wrote me back that it warms his heart that I wrote him. Which warms my heart so much! I think it's actually been about a year since I last saw him and it's still weird to me to not be seeing him at least monthly. I'm doing so well though that I'd really have nothing to talk about, other than just shooting the shit (which, let's be honest, I would totally do with him). 

That's pretty much been the last week. Work is work. I'm still burnt out and now our unit is staffing the rest of the hospital. Every single day at least one or more people are floated to other units. Which really sucks and is annoying. I haven't floated for a few months so I know my time is coming. Probably tomorrow. I hate floating. We all do. It sucks. But there's nothing I can do about it, so I might as well not get my panties in a bunch over it.  

Tuesday 3/16/21 A Winter Storm

 I have a day off! Yay! I worked this past Saturday, Sunday, and Monday (three 12 hour shifts in a row is tiring) and I have today off before working again Wednesday and Thursday. Ugh. I'm drained. I slept in this morning, had breakfast and coffee, and then went back to bed for an hour. Took a nice long shower and I feel somewhat human again. It was a long weekend. And I lost an hour of sleep Sunday because of daylight savings. And we had a blizzard. It wasn't too crazy of a blizzard, but it definitely made driving home Sunday night dangerous (it was almost white out conditions with the blowing snow). I almost had to stay the night at work Sunday night as the hospital called an "external disaster" alarm. So I couldn't leave until my relief showed up. Thankfully she did and I could go home. 

So remember my lab work? I saw my doc last Thursday and my iron ratio was high (45% is the upper limit and I'm at 60%). So she drew an iron level to see if that was elevated too. Luckily, it came back within the normal range. Which is nice because the only way to treat high iron levels is blood letting. Seriously. I'd have to donate blood at least monthly to keep high levels down (high levels of iron can damage the liver and the kidneys - it's called hemachromatosis). I still may have hemachromatosis, but my levels aren't high enough to need to be treated. So that is wonderful news! 

I've still been feeling fatigued, I still have my other symptoms, but for now we're just "watching" them. Doc doesn't want to do a sleep study yet (which I'm thankful for because I was not looking forward to that). But it's still frustrating. I don't want to have to feel this way. I was having hot flashes at work yesterday. It was pretty miserable. But, We'll wait and see how it goes I guess. I'm most likely in peri menopause. Damn I'm old!

Paleo is still going well. I meal planned lunches, made some healthy dinners. I'm not craving sugar as much as I thought I would, which is a miracle. It makes the whole going paleo thing a lot more feasible.

I have no new artwork to share. I haven't been feeling creative for the past 3 or more weeks. I was going to force myself this week but all I'm doing is working. Maybe Friday. We'll see. 

Tuesday 3/9/21 Test Results

 Well, another week has gone by. My son turned 14 yesterday, which is crazy. He's going to be driving soon! Aaaaaaaaa! We went to a Japanese ramen place for dinner Saturday night to celebrate and got ice cream after. He got lots of Manga books, games for his Switch . . . But yeah. Makes me feel old. And time definitely seems to be flying by.

Do you remember me having lots of lab work drawn? For my fatigue and other symptoms? I got the results in the mail the other day and I'm a little disappointed. Because everything is "normal" (well, my iron was high, and my triglycerides are slightly elevated). But "normal". I was so sure something was going  to come back out of whack. This is frustrating. I see my doc this Thursday to go over the results which just seems pointless. She's going to want to do a sleep study to look for sleep apnea. Because I snore sometimes. The really frustrating thing is, sure, sleep apnea could explain why I'm so tired, but it doesn't explain hair thinning, dry scalp, dry skin, cold sensitivity, and hot flashes. What about my other symptoms? This is annoying. And stupid. I have symptoms of hypothyroid but my levels are "normal". So I won't be treated. Or probably taken seriously. After all, blood tests don't lie, right? So I'm annoyed and frustrated and angry. 

And I have another reason I could be feeling tired: depression. Yeah. Stupid, fucking depression. I think that because I tried going off of Wellbutrin my depression is trying to come back. I've had a lot more negative thoughts, heavy sighs (lame, I know, but it's a symptom I get), not wanting to go to work, not wanting to get out of bed, and wanting to sleep the day away. All are symptoms of depression for me. Now, I don't really feel depressed. But I think I was on my way there before restarting the Wellbutrin. I'm, of course, hoping I don't advance further. And I think the depression is most likely the cause of the fatigue, rather than sleep apnea. But depression doesn't explain the other symptoms either. Which is, again, frustrating. I wish there was a clear cut answer. 

In other news, I mentioned last week that I was going to try to go paleo with my eating. Well, I'm doing it. I ate healthier last week and we bought tons of paleo foods on Sunday (like almond and coconut flour, almond butter, coconut milk, almond milk, lots of nuts and seeds . . . you get the idea). So of course shopping was expensive because we had to get all of the staples. And I'll be eating more meat and fruits and veggies, so lots of fresh produce. I've done amazing over the past week at not snacking on crap (especially at work) and avoiding refined sugar. And I even lost 2 pounds. I'm really hoping this will be a good change for me. My therapist would be proud - he told me to go paleo 2 years ago. 

Going paleo will take a lot more planning though. For all meals - not just dinner. I can't just make myself a sandwich and call it good - because I can't have bread (unless I make a paleo version myself). So there's going to be a lot more cooking on my part. And some baking. And I'm going to have to learn to like almond butter. It's definitely different than the Skippy peanut butter I'm used to. But I know I can do it. I want to get healthy, I want to lose weight. I got this! And hey, who knows, maybe it will help with the fatigue and depression. One can hope. 

Tuesday 3/2/21 Paleo

 I saw the doctor last Friday for my fatigue and various other symptoms. She thinks it's most likely my thyroid causing the problems, but we drew boatloads of blood to test everything - thyroid, hormones, vitamin deficiencies, anemia . . . you name it, we're testing for it. She wants to be thorough. Which is fine by me. I should get the results back sometime this week and then meet next week to discuss them. 

In the meantime, I've decided to try a modified paleo diet to try and lose weight and to hopefully help me to feel better. So lots of seeds, nuts, fruits, and veggies for me! I'm actually excited to be trying it - I've been reading up on it quite a bit and it seems to make sense to me. I'm not giving up dairy completely however - I'll be cutting back but not giving it up (I love cheese too much!). I'm cutting out as much refined sugars as I can and focusing on healthy fats and protein. I'm hoping this will jumpstart some weight loss for me. *fingers crossed*

Nothing much else has gone on in the past week. It's been pretty boring. Work and reading and reading and work. Work continues to be busy, ridiculously busy. So many babies being born. I'm feeling a little burnt out, like I need a vacation. February was busy and March is looking to be even busier. Ugh. Job security I guess. 

Well, this has been a short post. I don't have any artwork to share as I haven't been motivated to sew or paint recently. I've been mostly reading. Which is a fine way to spend my time. Maybe Thursday or Friday I'll get creative. We'll see.

Tuesday 2/23/21 Still Tired

Hi there. I'm still tired. Exhausted would be a more appropriate term, I think. And cold. My hands and feet are freezing, I'm in my hoodie, despite it being 62 degrees out (it's a gorgeous day). My hair seems to be thinning and I'm experiencing BO like I'm a teenager going through puberty again. WTF, body?? Seriously, it's ridiculous. Not to mention the muscle soreness and joint pain (thankfully mild). 

I have an appointment with my doctor this Friday. I'm sure I'll have lots of lab work drawn. I want to have lots of lab work drawn. I want to know what's going on. I have my suspicions. Sub-clinical hypothyroid is my top guess. Why subclinical? Well, I think my thyroid hormones will be within the normal range, but at the far end - not in the middle. I think this because my values always seem to be "normal" - I can't just have a clear cut answer. Which is annoying. But my symptoms match hypothyroidism. 

Though I have a feeling that my symptoms may be blamed on fibromyalgia. And who knows - maybe it really is fibromyalgia. But I think because of the muscle pain my doc might lean this way. And I could be totally off base. Who knows. 

There is a little worry in the back of my head though. A little worry that gets a little larger each day. Because I catch myself staring absently into space. Because I catch myself sighing heavily. Because I catch myself having more negative thoughts. 

Depression.

What if what I'm experiencing is depression trying to seep back into my life? I'm worried because I'm off of Welbutrin - I haven't taken it for a week now.  What if the Welbutrin was actually the reason I was feeling better and now that I'm off of it my depression is coming back. Slowly. Insidiously. What if . . .

The thing is, I don't feel depressed. I still feel happy. I still feel joyful. I don't have that emptiness in me that was all too consuming when I was depressed. But I still have that little worry. And I don't want it to be depression, obviously. And I don't want my doc to immediately jump to this conclusion because of my past. I want thorough testing done. I want all avenues checked before we make a diagnosis. I want this desperately not to be depression. 

I guess we'll see though. See what the doc says. And I'm not seeing my regular doc, btw. I'm seeing one of the PAs. Seeing my regular doc would have put my appointment time a month and a half away, instead of a week. Maybe fresh eyes will have a different perspective. 

I'm sick of feeling like this though. I want to be awake. I want to have energy. I don't want to be sore. I don't want to be cold or sweaty. Ugh. I want to feel how I did 3 months ago.

Anyway, I think I have my final version of my dove tattoo all painted out. It's a dove with cherry blossoms. And I'm really digging it.

Now I just gotta save up money . . . Sell some paintings and/or plushies. 

Sunday 8-9-20 Depression and Lithium

 Hello my little weirdos! How's it going this lovely Sunday? It's sunny here in Colorado, supposed to be around 95 degrees today (have I mentioned I'm ready for fall?). I don't like it ridiculously hot - 75 with a breeze is perfect. But we don't always get what we want, do we? That's okay though, this is better than snow.

So things have been pretty status quo with me. There's nothing terribly new to report . . . I'm still doing very well, still feeling stable and happy and positive. One thing has changed though: the longer I go with feeling good, the more a small part of me misses the depression. How fucked up is that?? I still have little dipity dos here and there, and when I do, part of me embraces them and tries to hold on. I hate this. I hate this so much. I understand why - I'm so used to being depressed that that's what makes the most sense to me. But understanding it doesn't mean I have to like it. 

I'm working to squelch this part of me. I don't want to be drawn to depression. At all. Ever. I'm using all the tools I learned doing my program. I'm recognizing this as a part of me and working to let it go. Because how awful would it be if I managed to self sabotage and get bad again. Nope. We're not doing that. 

In other news, in my last post I mentioned that I'm decreasing my Lithium dose. I've been on 900mg (instead of 1350mg) for about 3 weeks now (that's 3 pills down to 2). I've noticed my tremors aren't quite as bad, my ankle swelling isn't as bad, and I've had no mood changes. So, I'm going to be going down to one pill. I'll do it a little more gradually - every other day. So last night I took 2, tonight I'll take one, tomorrow 2, and so on. For one to two weeks and then I'll stay at one pill. My goal is to get off of the Lithium. I've been on it for 6 or 7 years and it would be nice to get rid of one medication. We'll see how it goes I guess. I'm sure Dr. M won't be pleased with me (he doesn't know I'm doing this). But I don't have to worry about that until September when I see him again. 

There's not too much else going on. Work is busy. We delivered 25 babies in 24 hours - a record for my hospital. It's pretty amazing, really. I'm trying to pick up extra shifts  to prepare me for hopefully going back to full time in January. 

I'm feeling uninspired art wise lately. I'm going to try and come up with some ideas this week. That's my goal. At least 2 ideas. And then execute them. Hopefully I can live up to that.

  

Friday 7/31/20 Well it's Friday

Hello weirdos! It's Friday! And the last day of July! Which I'm having a hard time believing it's August tomorrow. This year has been the fastest, yet the slowest year EVER. 

So . . . what's been going on? How have you all been?

I'm surprisingly still doing well. My good, stable mood is holding steady. Which is amazing and awesome and nice! I'm loving feeling like myself again. I'm going to give it 6 months, and if I'm still doing well, I'm going to try and go back to working full time. Wouldn't that be amazing?! I haven't been full time for 6 years! I'd love to be able to contribute more to our income. So that is my goal. I'm also tossing around the idea of volunteering at the therapeutic riding center again. We'll see.

There isn't anything else much going on. I'm still working on my mental and emotional mastery program (I'm actually almost done!). When I finish it, I'm going to go back through the whole program again, really solidify all of the information. I'm really enjoying this program and it has been beyond helpful!

In my last post I discussed how I went down on my Lithium by myself without consulting my doc. Well, no ill effects so far. I still have my tremor but it is slightly less. I may just go down by another pill (from 3, down to 2, down to 1). We'll see. Going off of it completely would be nice. But again, we'll see. 

That's about it. Nothing else fun or exciting going on. Take care, my little weirdos!

Thursday 6/4/20 Therapy

Well. Therapy was a bit different today than it normally is. Different in a good way, different in a weird way . . . just, different. It started with M meeting me outside his office. I was a bit confused, actually.

"Do you remember a few months ago when I said I had someone in a similar situation as you?" M asked. "And I thought you two could meet?"

"Umm, no, not really," I replied.

"Well I do, and his appointment was just before yours. I thought you could meet him and talk a little bit. Are you okay with that?"

"Sure, I guess." M ushered me into the building and into his office. Truthfully, I was a little taken aback. I almost never mind talking to other people with bipolar disorder - I usually enjoy it - but my initial thought was that this would eat into my session. And I wasn't too keen on that. I had stuff I wanted to talk about.

As I walked into M's office I saw a rather good looking young fellow who introduced himself as Jacob. He was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt but looked put together. I introduced myself and took a seat in M's rocking chair - he insisted I sit there. M had Jacob and I start by giving each other some background info about ourselves, including why we were seeing M.

"Well," I said, "I'm seeing M because I'm bat shit crazy." (enter slightly tense laughter here) "Actually, that's kinda true. I was diagnosed 10 years ago, and I've been diagnosed as both bipolar 1 and 2, no one seems to know which I really am. Not that it matters. I also have chronic PTSD. I've dealt with depression since I was in 5th grade, misdiagnosed as Major Depression for many years. I've had my ups and downs, but I mostly struggle with the depression side of bipolar.  I'm a nurse, I deliver babies, I love my job. I'm married and we have a 13 year old son. My husband is the most supportive person I know and I would be lost without him. I've been hospitalized 6 times - once for mania and 5 times for depression/suicidal ideation. Um . . . and I have a dog."

Jacob was attentive while I rambled on, nodding here and there. He told me he had also been dealing with depression since he was young and was misdiagnosed as ADHD, anxiety, and Major Depression until he was diagnosed bipolar 2 a year and a half ago. He's struggled with ups and downs too, mostly downs. He's struggled with drugs and alcohol in the past but feels he has that aspect under control. He mostly used the drugs and alcohol to numb his symptoms. His father is his biggest supporter, along with a few close friends.

Now, to be fair, there was more that Jacob said. He was very well spoken and very out spoken. And, honestly, I don't remember it all.

We talked for 45 minutes about our experiences, meds, psychiatrists, hospitalizations, support systems, stigma, coping mechanisms, art (he draws and plays music, I draw/paint), and therapy. I thoroughly enjoyed talking with him.

After 45 minutes M "kicked him out" so we could talk. Jacob asked for my number to talk again, which I gave him. And then M and I had a 20 minute mini session. I told him about my crap moods, about feeling like a burden, about cutting. It was an intense mini session, and that, coupled with all the talking with Jacob . . . well, I'm a bit worn out. Mentally, not physically. Obviously.

In other news, I had maintenance TMS again on Tuesday. They re-mapped my brain and upped the intensity slightly. Hopefully this helps. Wednesday I did a short workout which felt nice. Nice to move my body again. Though I'm sore today. And I see Dr. M next Tuesday. And, well, I might be firing him. I think I need a med change. I don't think my current combo is working like it should be. So if all he does is offer ECT, then I'll find myself a different doctor. One who is willing to work WITH me. I hope I don't have to fire Dr. M - I've been with him for 5-6 years. But I need someone who's going to listen to me.

I think that's all I got in me. I might need a nap. 

Monday 5/25/20 Memorial Day

It's Memorial Day and I'm actually off. Which is nice, except it means I'll probably be working the 4th of July. That's okay though - I don't need that day off anymore (I wanted it off for the Denver Pop Culture Con, but that has been rescheduled for November - Thanksgiving weekend, of course *obvious eye roll*). But anyway, I'm off and my mother-in-law and brother-in-law are coming over for dinner. We're grilling. Burgers and hot dogs cause we're cheap and lazy :)

I've been dealing with the steady erosion of self. I've been feeling pretty badly. My usual: empty, depressed, hollow, numb, hopeless, pointless . . . you get the idea. All the bad stuff. It's been pretty relentless. I've cut twice. I might do it more. I struggle at work. I struggle at home. I wake up in the morning only looking forward to bed. In short, it sucks.

I don't have therapy again until June 4th. At my last session M told me to call if I need to be seen sooner (since we were going 3 and a half weeks between sessions). Well, yeah, I need to be seen sooner. I mean, I feel that way for sure. But have I called him? No. No I haven't.

Why the hell not?? You need him, call him!

Sounds easy, right? Well, for me it's not. I haven't called him because I don't want to be a burden. That's how I feel right now, like I'm a burden on everyone. And I hate feeling like that. But that's what I am -  a burden. I'm having to do maintenance TMS - which is $200 a pop. That makes me a financial burden. I'm not pulling my weight with the housework. Burden. I'm relying on hubby emotionally so much right now. Burden.

Trust me - I know this is the depression talking. But it's putting up a strong argument. One that I have no retort to.

So no, I haven't called M because I don't want to be a burden to him too. I feel that he needs this break from me because I'm so annoying and a drain.

So I don't know what to do. Well, that's a lie. Because I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to wait until my scheduled appointment. So that I'm less of a burden and don't feel so crappy about myself.

I'm truly thinking I need a medication tweak. I don't see my psychiatrist until June 9th, of course. And, quite honestly, I'm dreading seeing him. See, I don't think he'll adjust my meds. I think all he's going to do is suggest ECT again, which I absolutely won't do. I think he's kinda done with me. I think he's given up on me. And that hurts. I don't want to have to find another psychiatrist. And I mean, I like Dr. M, I just think he's truly given up on me. Don't ask me why I feel that way, I don't know why. It's probably the depression talking. Again, depression puts up a compelling argument.

So anyway, yeah, I'm a mess right now. So much negative self talk that I can't seem to counter or squelch. I'll get there though, right? I mean, I have to, because I can't keep doing this. 

Friday 3/13/20

It's Friday the 13th. Any of you out there superstitious? I'm not.

Actually, that's a lie. I am a little. Why? Because I'm a nurse and we see weird shit and trends. Like laboring patients coming in on a full moon. Always busier on a full moon. So why not Friday the 13th?

Anyway, I have updates from my last sorrow filled post. Not many, but some.

I saw my psychiatrist this week and discussed my returning depression. He, predictably, suggested ECT. Which I declined. No med changes. Why? because I've already been on 23 different meds. So yeah, there's not really anything out there for me to try. What to do, what to do . . .

I told him about what I was doing: maintenance TMS.  Now, I mentioned this in my last post as an option for me except that it was cost prohibitive. Well, hubby almost forced me to do it. He insisted. (I think he read my last post). We have some money in savings, we do, but I feel like a financial burden pulling from that. I feel selfish, using that money solely for me. I feel awful about it, quite honestly.

But hubby, he told me not to worry about it. He told me to let him worry about it. So I gave in. I let him take my worry from me and I had a session of maintenance TMS done this week. I had it done Tuesday. I saw my psych doc on Wednesday. Today is Friday and I'm feeling a little better. I worked yesterday and it was busy and I handled myself well and even had a little fun. So I'm doing better, I am.

I'm not all the way there. There have been several times today where I've come close to breaking down. But I'm better. I'm getting there. I may need another session or two of TMS to bring me all the way back, and if I do, well then, I do. I'm trying not to worry about it (which is hard to do with anxiety). But I'm trying.

Friday 1/10/20

Well. It's been a long time since I've blogged. Well over a month. Some things have happened, some things have changed.

My last post dealt with the dark cloud hanging over me. And, well, it's still there, but it's a lot smaller. It's not as impressive. It's not as overpowering. That's not to say that it doesn't get bad at times - it does - but it's much more manageable.

Probably the biggest thing that's happened is that I had surgery 2 days ago. In my last post I mentioned my extremely painful pilonidal cyst (a cyst on my tailbone). I saw my dermatologist who referred me to a general surgeon who decided it would be best for me to have surgery to remove it. The weeks leading up to surgery I was terrified and in denial about it. Because essentially, I was having surgery on my butt crack. Okay, literally I was having surgery on my butt crack. I didn't know what to expect of surgery or my recovery. I was scared and anxious. However, the surgery went well. I'm 2 days post op writing this and I'm not having any pain. I'm sore and tired for sure, but I'm not having any pain. I have a JP drain coming out of the surgical site that is draining excess blood and fluid that I get to empty several times a day (it looks like a rubber grenade attached to some tubing). I see my surgeon on Tuesday (14th) and will hopefully have the drain removed.

I have 2 commissions to complete over my time off from surgery (I have the next 3 weeks off). One is for 6 paintings! Six paintings that I really don't feel like doing. If I'm being honest. I still don't have inspiration or motivation to do things. That's one thing that hasn't changed since my last post. So these commissions are a daunting task.

So there you have it, short and sweet. An update since my last post. Goody gumdrops.

Tuesday 11/5/19

I'm sitting on the couch wanting to blog but not knowing what the hell to blog about. I'm currently frustrated. Frustrated beyond belief - I'm almost shaking. My anxiety is through the roof and I can't seem to get it under control.

So. Yeah. A few weeks ago hubby and I bought a 2004 Toyota Sequoia. It had all this work done to it, was owned by a Toyota master mechanic, and was supposed to be a good vehicle. Well, It's been in the shop the past 1.5 weeks having work done on the brakes (can't seem to get them working properly). We found out today that the frame had been damaged (bent and welded - poorly - back together). This essentially makes the vehicle unsafe to drive.

What. The actual. Fuck.

Now we're stuck with this gigantic fucking SUV that we paid $8,000 for and we can't do anything with it. I mean technically we could sell it but hubby and I don't feel okay with doing that knowing what we know about the frame.

Just . . . seriously.

In other news, I went to the doctor last week to have my left hip looked at. It's been causing me a lot of pain and has been getting progressively worse. My doc thinks that I have arthritis and that my tendons are too tight. She ordered X-rays, prescribed maloxicam and physical therapy. She said if after a month of physical therapy and meds my hip wasn't notably better we'd need to do a CT scan to check the soft tissue. I got the X-ray results back today: normal. No arthritis. Which is good, but means they don't really know what's causing my pain. Which is not good. So we're staying the course with meds and physical therapy and I follow up next month.

It's just frustrating. I thought the X-ray would give a definitive answer, we'd have a course of treatment and BOOM! It would be better. But instead we're blindly stabbing in the dark for something that might help. Don't get me wrong - I'm sure physical therapy will be helpful - I'm just frustrated.

So that's my post. An obnoxious rant about what's frustrating me at the moment. I was hoping by getting it out I'd feel a little bit better. I don't. I'm still shaking and I feel like crying. Maybe I should. Maybe that would help.

Cheers.

6/7/19

It doesn't matter why. That's what I've decided. Did you read my last post? Maybe you should. See, I've been depressed since then (May 17th). And it doesn't really matter why. I don't think there's a reason anyway except my bipolar. No trigger, no cause. Just my brain being a bag of dicks.

I'm depressed. I'm empty. I'm hollow. I'm fake. I'm down, defeated, hopeless, and overwhelmed. I'm nothing.

All of the things and none of the things.

I feel I'm getting worse. Slowly but surely getting worse.

I went to the doctor on Wednesday (the 5th). On top of the depression I've been having dizzy/lightheaded spells and tremors in my hands and right leg. Fun right? Fucking laugh riot, let me tell ya. She truly believes that it is my lithium. That I'm having withdrawal symptoms (I'm subtherapeutic right now) and that I need to increase my dose. But to be safe I had an EKG, orthostatic blood pressures, a ton of blood work, and I get to wear a heart monitor for a month (no, not something like a FitBit - I have electrodes that attach to my chest and connect to a box with a button I push every time I have symptoms). And she wanted me to see my Pdoc ASAP. I already had an appointment with him on the 27th, but she wants me in sooner. Earliest I could get in is the 17th. That way we can discuss my depression and lithium.

I'm so tired right now. Not physically tired. Mentally. Emotionally tired. All I want to do is sleep to escape reality. See, sleep is like death but without the commitment. I don't have to deal with my feelings (or lack there of) while I'm asleep. And I've been sleeping more. Napping. Trying to stay in bed as late as I can in the mornings.

Withdrawing. I'm not interacting as much as I normally do. Some coworkers have noticed.

I'm trying. Fake it till ya make it, right? But it's getting hard anymore. It drains me so much. But still I try because what else am I going to do?

2/8/19

This post will be relatively short. Probably.

Anyway, I went to the doctor this week (my primary physician) as I've been extremely fatigued as of late. For the past 2 months really. I have several symptoms of hypothyroidism and I wanted to get it checked out. Doc thinks I'm just not sleeping well, doesn't think I'm hypothyroid, but ran a crap ton of labs on me just to be sure. Now I'm just waiting for those results to come back. In the meantime, I'm on water restriction after 7pm and no caffeine after 7pm, to see if that helps my sleeping (currently I wake up 3-4 times a night to pee).

We'll see.

Today has actually been kind of a crap day. My mood is low, I'm being really hard on myself for everything you could possibly think of, and I'm, well, fatigued. So it's been a rough day. I'd really like to curl up in bed, go to sleep, and not wake up until tomorrow morning (it's 2:30pm  right now). But alas, I can't. I have to push through the day and be an adult. I don't understand why I have to, maybe one of you could explain that to me.

So yeah. I just had to get that out. Hope you all are having a great day. You know, my one person who reads this.