Tuesday 5/16/23 Anniversary

 Well hello there. Not much going on here. It has still been rather boring as of late. Nothing exciting to report. Although, tomorrow is our 20th wedding anniversary. Twenty years of marriage!!! (We've been together for 23 years) It's pretty amazing how fast time goes by. I, of course, work tomorrow, so we won't be doing anything really to celebrate. Our celebration is our trip to Japan (we leave a week from Thursday). It's crazy though . . . 20 years. And I love him more than when I married him, if that's even possible. 

Speaking of our Japan trip, I can't believe we leave next week! It's crept up on me. It doesn't feel real, like it's still months away. But nope! It's next week! I think we have all of our ducks in a row. I hope so. Still have to go to the post office and put our mail on hold until we get back . . . I plan on doing that on Thursday. I'm soooooo not looking forward to the 14 hour plane ride from LA to Tokyo. That is going to be brutal. Just brutal. But it'll be worth it, I'm sure. 

As far as my mood goes, I'm good. Stable, mostly happy, normal range of emotions. It's stellar. I'm worried about becoming hypomanic in Japan because of a screwed up sleep cycle and all of the stimulation. I think I'll be okay, but I still worry. I see my psychiatrist today so I'll chat with him about it. Otherwise, all is good. All is status quo. All is boring, quite honestly. Which, compared to the alternative, isn't such a bad thing. 

I don't plan on writing again until I get back from Japan - so 3-4 weeks from now. Maybe I'll even share some photos :) 

Thursday 5/6/21 Feeling Better

 My last post was a Debbie Downer, wasn't it? Well, I'm happy to say that I'm feeling quite a bit better now. My mood is improved, though I'm still lacking in the motivation department. I worked the last 3 days - BUSY days - and was on call today. Thankfully, I was released from call, so no work for me today! Which is wonderful because I was freaking tired when I got up this morning. So tired that I took a mid morning nap already. I'm off tomorrow too, which is nice, because I still work Saturday and Sunday. 

Tuesday was the day I went to work extra because we had no one to work nursery. I made time and a half and my manager gave me a $125 gift card to say thank you for saving her butt. I wasn't expecting that so that was nice. And I'm spending my day today doing laundry. Yay laundry!!

There's nothing much going on. I'm planning on painting tomorrow - I have 4 bird sketches to paint. And probably more laundry. Cause laundry never ends. Ever. I'm just very grateful that I'm feeling like me again. I really was worried there for a minute. 

So anyway, short post is short. 

Tuesday 4/6/21 I was Baptized

 You read the title right! Saturday, April 3rd, I was baptized. Not only was I baptized, I was also confirmed, and had first communion. It's kind of a big deal.

Let's back up a minute though. Since September I've been doing RCIA classes at our church, learning about Catholicism and what it means to become a Catholic. Class is every Tuesday night from 6:30-8:30pm. Through May. That's a lot of classes! And a lot of learning! It's been soooo interesting going to these classes. At first I wasn't excited about it. Hubby asked if I would go to a class on Catholicism and I went, thinking it was just one class. Boy was I wrong! The first few weeks I didn't know what to think. I was skeptical and, honestly, overwhelmed. But the more I went, the more I enjoyed it. The more I learned, the more I could see myself becoming Catholic. It wasn't an easy decision - far from it. Because there are still some things about the Catholic faith that I haven't reconciled with (like birth control). But I felt it fit me. The deep seated traditions and rituals, which at first I found stuffy and rigid, became a comfort to me. I found myself actually enjoying mass (hubby and I had tried several different churches over the years and none of them felt right - they were all too . . . hippy dippy. But Catholic mass makes me feel calm and connected). 

So I've been doing these classes, went on a day long "retreat", and had been preparing for my baptism (I was never baptized as an infant or child). I was a little nervous, mostly excited. I didn't know what to expect - how I would feel, how exactly it would go . . . but I wasn't nearly as nervous as I thought I would be. The baptism happened at the Saturday Easter vigil mass (which is from 9pm to midnight - I'm usually in bed at 9pm!). I was to wear black to start and bring a change of clothes with me to change into after the baptism (which were white). 

Mass started out dark. The lights were out. Everyone had a candle and at the start of mass we all went outside to a bon fire and had our candles lit. We then proceeded back into the church, candle light lighting the way. It was beautiful. Hundreds of candles burning. There were 6 readings (regular mass has two), lots of singing, and then the homily. After the homily, Father Baron called those of us who were being baptized to come to the front (it was me, two children, and a teenager). We were paraded around the church with our sponsors and let back to the baptismal pool. I went third. I watched as the kids had holy water poured over their heads, wondering how I would feel. When it was my turn I stepped carefully into the pool (I was wearing a long skirt - I didn't want to trip!). Fr Baron poured water over me three times - in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Y'all, it took my breath away. Not in an oh-my-goodness-I'm-getting-water-poured-over-me-and-I-can't-breathe sort of way, but in an oh-my-goodness-I-can't-believe-this-is-happening-and-I-feel-so-amazing sort of way. It was amazing. It was shocking. I felt so joyful and so full. Just . . . full. Filled with joy and happiness and amazement that this was actually happening to me. I was being baptized! Jesus loves me! I was awestruck. I don't think my face showed my true feelings. Hubby took some pics (which are very unflattering, btw), and they don't show how I was feeling inside. I wanted to laugh and yell and proclaim my joy, but I didn't. I honestly didn't want people to think I was crazy or something. But that's how I felt. 

After we were all baptized, we headed up to the front of the church, wrapped in towels, to be confirmed. Fr Baron marked our foreheads with the sign of the cross with oil, announcing our chosen saint's name (mine was Dymphna, the patron saint of mental health). We then were dismissed to go and change our clothes. As I was walking back to the changing room I don't think I've ever felt so present. I dried my hair and face a bit (I was drenched), careful not to remove the oil from my forehead. I changed into a white blouse and skirt and made my way back to my pew. The four of us who were baptized were then invited back up to take first communion. The body and blood of Christ. In regular mass, you only consume the body of Christ (a very thin cracker) because of covid. But for us who were baptized, we were also given the option to drink the blood of Christ (wine). I chose to do both. My first time taking communion was a little surreal. When I sat back down I felt so calm and content and full. 

All in all, it was pretty darn amazing and awesome and wonderful. A memorable experience. I feel blessed.

(On a side note, I didn't explain any of this to hubby - it feels weird talking like this, opening up about what I experienced. Because I've never been religiously open before. I'm sure I'll get there. So for now, he'll just have to read this post.)

Wednesday 1-6-21 Tattoo Day!

 And just like that it's the new year. 

I skipped a week in blogging, though I doubt any of my 1-2 readers will have noticed. But yes! It's 2021 already! This past year has been the slowest yet quickest year ever. It's been weird and awful and sometimes wonderful. I've been stable and happy for 6 months - a huge feat for me! And I don't see that going away any time soon. 

So what's been going on . . . not much of anything really. Christmas was very low key - we did presents and dinner with my mother-in-law, and that was about it. For New Years I was in bed by 9:30 - I worked New Years Eve and New Years Day so no staying up late for me. Speaking of work, I've been working full time for a few weeks now and it's going great! (The extra money is nice, too!) But for the most part things have been pretty boring and status quo, which is fine by me (who needs drama anyway??). 

One fun thing of note is that I'm sewing again! Got my sewing machine up and running, bought fabric and thread and stuff and set about making my plush zombies again. I thought it would take me a while to figure out how to sew again, but muscle memory is a wonderful thing - it's almost like I never stopped! (I'm a bit slower sewing right now but I'm sure I'll pick up speed soon). Yesterday I sewed a plush zombie rabbit and he's not too shabby for my first plushie in 5 years. I'll be sewing more and my zombies will be going up for sale in my Etsy shop. I'm excited about this! And it gives me something more to do (because painting wise I've been feeling a bit uninspired). 

But now the really fun thing . . . I'm getting a new tattoo today!! I'm so excited and a little bit nervous. It's been a long time since I've gotten a tattoo (this one will be my 14th tattoo). It will be 2 magpies in flight -  two for joy - and will be on my right forearm. The tattoo, of course, is of a painting I did:

Most of my tattoos are my own artwork, which of course gives them more meaning to me. I happen to love magpies (all corvids, really, but especially magpies). Two magpies together represent joy - and I've been especially joyous since I've been stable and happy. This tattoo represents that joy and stability as well as my love of the bird. Aack! I can't wait! Noon today. An hour and twenty minutes from now. Don't worry - I'll share a pic of it in my next post. 

Anyway, that's about it. I hope everyone is having a great week so far and I hope 2021 is a better year for us all.

Saturday 11/28/20

 Sooooo . . . here we are again. Meeting on my blog. That I think only my hubby reads. Which is okay. I'm writing for myself - not for the masses. 

This past week has been, in all honesty, pretty boring. I've worked, I've painted. That's about it. It was Thanksgiving this past Thursday. A weird thanksgiving, amidst a pandemic. I worked, of course. But it was a slow day (only delivered one baby), and I was there with my bestie Lesley. A food truck came to the hospital, serving up thanksgiving staples for the employees for free. So that was nice. I talked with my grandparents and my mom (who surprisingly hadn't been drinking yet), hung out with Lesley a bit, and did a whole lotta nothing. All in all it was a good day.

My mood, amazingly, has been holding steady. I've been good. I'm laughing, I'm talking more, interacting with coworkers more, and just feeling really good. I feel stable. I feel normal. I feel human. It's so wonderful and awesome and I'm so blessed that I finally feel this way, for a prolonged period of time (5 months now). I did have some dipity doos a couple of months ago, but overall I have felt fantastic. 

I am officially working full time again now. Three 12 hour shifts a week. I'm excited about it. How strange is that? To be excited about working more. But I am. I think because it solidifies the truth that I'm doing better. Really, genuinely, doing better. And, of course, the extra money will be nice. I need to save up for my tattoo you know!

And, I'm not sure I've written about this yet (I don't remember and I'm too lazy right now to go back and look), but I've been doing the RCIA classes at my hubby's church. What's RCIA you ask? Well, it's classes to become Catholic. Yep. I'm doing that. Something that I never thought I'd be doing. If everything goes according to plan, I'll be baptized the Saturday evening mass before Easter Sunday (I was never baptized by my parents). It's kind of surreal to think about. And scary. And exciting. I'm having a sort of spiritual awakening, something I never thought would happen. I've been praying more - I don't have a routine down though. I don't even think I'm praying "correctly" (whatever that is). But I'm praying. And it feels good. It feels right. I can't believe I'm even typing this out - it's so foreign to me. But, that's where I am. 

So anyway, that's about it for now. I hope you all are doing well (points at hubby). 

Thursday 11/19/20 Therapy

 Well y'all, today I had my last "real" therapy session. What do I mean by "real"? I mean, my last regularly scheduled therapy session. Meaning, I'm no longer going to therapy. Which is crazy, and a little bit scary.

See, I've been going to therapy almost weekly for 8 years (sometimes I would go bi-weekly or monthly, but a lot of the time was weekly). Eight years people! That's a lot of therapy! And now, well, now I'm stable and have been for quite some time. My therapist and I had gone over my traumas years ago so there's not really anything I need to work on. In fact, todays session was a lot of BSing and laughing. 

But it is going to be weird not actually going. And of course, if I need a "tune up" all I have to do is call or text and set up an appointment. So yeah. I'm moving on. 

I've still been painting a lot - and have sold most of what I've painted. Which is convenient so that I don't have paintings lying around everywhere. And I need to save up money for my next tattoo. 

Here's what I painted today:

Well, one of the paintings I did today. I also painted a cardinal. Which I sold. But this is an artistic magpie! Isn't he cute? I love him.  I think he will be hanging on my wall soon. 

So anyway, I really want to give a shoutout to my therapist, Mike, for being awesome as hell and putting up with my crazy ass for 8 years. He's truly amazing.  

Friday 11/13/20 Friday the 13th

 Welp. It's Friday the 13th. In 2020. I'm bracing myself for some fucked up shit to happen. But hopefully it won't. This year has been awful enough already. 

Sooooo, guess what? I'm going back to full time! That's right! Full time baby! I've been working only two 12-hour shifts a week for the last 6 years (full time is three 12-hour shifts). And yeah - I'm finally going back to full time. Why, you ask? Well, because 1. I'm feeling good and stable and ready to tackle it, and 2. the extra money will be nice. It was actually a daunting decision to make, and one I'm still a little nervous about. But I think it will be good for me. And besides, I need to save up money for my next tattoo. 

Speaking of tattoos, I finally settled on what I want and where I want it. 

Here's what I will be getting:

Yes, I did paint that. I'm getting it on the back of my right forearm. I absolutely ADORE magpies (and other corvids as well), but magpies in particular because they are really quite beautiful. I'm hoping to have my tattoo done by January or February. We'll see. *fingers crossed*

There's another painting I did that came in a close second:

I just happen to like the first one a smidge more. I can't wait to have it done! It's been so long since I've gotten a tattoo (I'm not even sure how long - 6? 7 years?). I'm very overdue for one. 

In other news, I've been still feeling quite well. Upbeat, happy, and generally more relaxed and less cranky. Which is so freaking nice! 

Anyway, that's my little update. Here's to full time and a new tattoo!

Friday 11/6/20 Magpie Fun

 I'm tired. I worked three 12-hour shifts in a row. It's been years since I've done that. I normally don't even work two shifts in a row if I can help it - it takes a toll on me. But this week I did three. And today I'm tired. I'm trying my best not to nap but I may end up taking one anyway. We'll see. 

Overall I'm doing pretty darn good. Some little dippity dos here and there, but overall I'm stable and happy. Which is amazing, really. I've been feeling much better since the end of July (yes, I've had some drops, but I've come back up). It's pretty nice to be feeling this way. Hopefully it'll keep up.

In my last post I mentioned my next tattoo - two magpies. I've been sketching magpies and today I painted another:

I like him. This painting isn't for my tattoo necessarily. I just felt like painting him. Magpies are so gorgeous with their iridescent feathers. I love them. But what I need to be doing is painting stuff that I can sell so I can save up for my tattoo. I'm really itching to get it done. It's been a long time since I've gotten new ink. 

It's kind of weird . . . when I feel like crap all I want to do is write. And when I'm feeling good, I can't think of anything to say. Well, I guess that's all for now. 

Sunday 8-9-20 Depression and Lithium

 Hello my little weirdos! How's it going this lovely Sunday? It's sunny here in Colorado, supposed to be around 95 degrees today (have I mentioned I'm ready for fall?). I don't like it ridiculously hot - 75 with a breeze is perfect. But we don't always get what we want, do we? That's okay though, this is better than snow.

So things have been pretty status quo with me. There's nothing terribly new to report . . . I'm still doing very well, still feeling stable and happy and positive. One thing has changed though: the longer I go with feeling good, the more a small part of me misses the depression. How fucked up is that?? I still have little dipity dos here and there, and when I do, part of me embraces them and tries to hold on. I hate this. I hate this so much. I understand why - I'm so used to being depressed that that's what makes the most sense to me. But understanding it doesn't mean I have to like it. 

I'm working to squelch this part of me. I don't want to be drawn to depression. At all. Ever. I'm using all the tools I learned doing my program. I'm recognizing this as a part of me and working to let it go. Because how awful would it be if I managed to self sabotage and get bad again. Nope. We're not doing that. 

In other news, in my last post I mentioned that I'm decreasing my Lithium dose. I've been on 900mg (instead of 1350mg) for about 3 weeks now (that's 3 pills down to 2). I've noticed my tremors aren't quite as bad, my ankle swelling isn't as bad, and I've had no mood changes. So, I'm going to be going down to one pill. I'll do it a little more gradually - every other day. So last night I took 2, tonight I'll take one, tomorrow 2, and so on. For one to two weeks and then I'll stay at one pill. My goal is to get off of the Lithium. I've been on it for 6 or 7 years and it would be nice to get rid of one medication. We'll see how it goes I guess. I'm sure Dr. M won't be pleased with me (he doesn't know I'm doing this). But I don't have to worry about that until September when I see him again. 

There's not too much else going on. Work is busy. We delivered 25 babies in 24 hours - a record for my hospital. It's pretty amazing, really. I'm trying to pick up extra shifts  to prepare me for hopefully going back to full time in January. 

I'm feeling uninspired art wise lately. I'm going to try and come up with some ideas this week. That's my goal. At least 2 ideas. And then execute them. Hopefully I can live up to that.

  

Friday 7/31/20 Well it's Friday

Hello weirdos! It's Friday! And the last day of July! Which I'm having a hard time believing it's August tomorrow. This year has been the fastest, yet the slowest year EVER. 

So . . . what's been going on? How have you all been?

I'm surprisingly still doing well. My good, stable mood is holding steady. Which is amazing and awesome and nice! I'm loving feeling like myself again. I'm going to give it 6 months, and if I'm still doing well, I'm going to try and go back to working full time. Wouldn't that be amazing?! I haven't been full time for 6 years! I'd love to be able to contribute more to our income. So that is my goal. I'm also tossing around the idea of volunteering at the therapeutic riding center again. We'll see.

There isn't anything else much going on. I'm still working on my mental and emotional mastery program (I'm actually almost done!). When I finish it, I'm going to go back through the whole program again, really solidify all of the information. I'm really enjoying this program and it has been beyond helpful!

In my last post I discussed how I went down on my Lithium by myself without consulting my doc. Well, no ill effects so far. I still have my tremor but it is slightly less. I may just go down by another pill (from 3, down to 2, down to 1). We'll see. Going off of it completely would be nice. But again, we'll see. 

That's about it. Nothing else fun or exciting going on. Take care, my little weirdos!

Thursday 7/23/20 Therapy and stuff

Hello my little weirdos! How is everyone doing today? I hope you all are doing well :)

It's been about a week and a half since I last wrote and not too much has changed. I'm still feeling pretty dang good. More than good some days (like today). I feel like myself again! Which is AMAZING! I attribute this partly to being on Wellbutrin and mostly Ty Hicks' Mental and Emotional Mastery program that I've been working. This program has opened my eyes to my own toxic habits and is helping me change them permanently. It's the bomb diggity! So yeah, feeling better.

Anyway, I had therapy today and I had a good session. M and I talked about a myriad of topics including my continued good mood, how work is going (great), and, of course, my mom. Ugh. I hate talking about her, but considering I continue to have issues with my relationship with her, I need to continue to talk about her (my mom is an alcoholic, btw, has been since before I was born). I did drop a bomb on M too - I decreased my lithium dose without consulting my psychiatrist. 

Yep. 

I decreased my own medication without talking to my doc first. Might be a stupid move, we'll find out. I've been on my lower dose for 9 days and I don't feel a difference (yet). Why did I do this? Because my tremor (a side effect of lithium) has been getting progressively worse. I didn't want to decrease my dose at the same time I was starting Wellbutrin as two med changes at the same time can be dangerous. And I didn't decrease by much. I usually take 3 tablets a day, I decreased it to 2 (the tablets are 450mg each). We'll see how this plays out. I see Dr. M in September. I'm guessing he won't be pleased. Oh well. 

That's about it. Not much this week. I'm thinking about posting some of my artwork here . . . we'll see.  

Monday 7/6/20 Stuff and Things

Hello all my little weirdos (like, 2 people who actually read this blog)! How are you all doing?

I have officially been in my Mental and Emotional Mastery program for two weeks! I've gone through a lot of modules and have learned a lot of stuff. I've actually almost gotten through half of the material - which is supposed to take 2-3 months. So yeah . . . maybe I'm spending a little too much time on it. I'm going to slow my pace down and re-watch some of the beginning videos to make sure I really grasp the concepts. I spoke with Ty on the phone today (the mental health coach who created this program) to touch base on how I'm doing. Which is good. I'm doing good. 

Now last week when I wrote I was hypomanic. Well, my euphoria switched gears into irritability for a couple days, which sucked. I was able to mostly manage it though. Thank goodness. Dysphoric hypomania is not fun. So I'm not hypomanic anymore. Darn. 

I am, actually, doing well though. I'm not really feeling that depressed. Down at times, withdrawn, sometimes irritable . . . but not depressed. I've been able to change my negative thought patterns into more positive ones and actually sustain them. Which I haven't been able to do before (at least for a lasting period of time). I think my change in mood is three-fold: my enthusiasm for the program, actually working the program, and being on Wellbutrin. I think these have all contributed to the positive changes I'm seeing. I certainly have a more positive outlook, which is great.

Otherwise, there's not much new going on. I'm reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren and am enjoying it. It's a spiritual 40 day overhaul. You read a chapter a day for 40 days and the book helps you find purpose or meaning in your life. Today is day 16 for me. 

So yeah. I guess that's it.

Wednesday 9/4/19

I look over my shoulder and there it is: the black cloud. The same cloud that's followed me my whole life is back and it's getting closer. I try to run from it to no avail - the cloud easily keeps up. It's not raining - not yet - but the rain is inevitable. It always comes, no matter how little sun I've had.

This is how I'm feeling right now. I'm almost finished with my TMS treatment. I have 3 more regular sessions to go before I start my taper (3 weeks of 2 treatments per week). And then that's it. I'll be done. And I have to say I've done quite well with it. My depression scale scores have dropped dramatically, I've been feeling better, smiling, laughing, talking, interacting. That existential dread that I used to feel in the mornings is gone. I don't want to die. I don't want to die.

So what's the problem then?

It's that black cloud. It's back. It's not hovering over me quite yet, but it's there. I can feel it. That little tickle on the back of my neck . . . it's there. Little nuances I'm picking up on. Negative thinking, feeling empty, questioning my existence. That damn cloud is moving ever closer.

I'm working hard to keep it at bay. Countering my negative thoughts, filling my days with things I enjoy . . . I read a book called The Depression Cure by Stephen S Ilardi  and I'm following his program to combat depression (I recommend reading the book - it's very interesting and makes a lot of sense). I'm keeping up with therapy and follow up appointments, going to my TMS classes, eating healthier and exercising more. What more can I do? No really - what more?

That black cloud keeps moving closer and the rain is inevitable. So why run? What good will it do? If the rain is going to come . . . well, it's going to come.

Perhaps this time I should learn to dance in it.

Monday 8/19/19

It's been awhile since I last wrote and I'm happy to say I'm doing better. Today was my 16th TMS treatment and I'm already feeling the effects, I'm already getting better. Pretty amazing stuff!

With that being said, it's a very weird experience. Almost like I don't know how to act. I'm so used to being depressed that I'm not sure what "normal" looks like for me. You'd think it would come naturally, but for me, it doesn't.

I was getting ready for work yesterday and it dawned on me that I wasn't filled with existential dread. I didn't fear the day. I didn't feel hopeless and worthless and dead inside. Instead I felt hopeful. I felt as though I was ready to tackle anything. I felt, dare I say it, happy.

I don't really know what to do with this. I tend to over analyze everything and I'm trying not to do that here, lest I ruin it. I'm trying to just run with it, experience it, enjoy it. And thus far I haven't fucked it up so I guess I'm doing pretty good.

I have therapy on Thursday. I haven't seen M in 3 weeks so this will give me a chance to pick his brain. I really don't want to ruin this.

In other news, something I'm struggling with, is getting up in the morning and getting on the spin bike. It was my goal to do this while in treatment and I haven't been able to. Not even once. Which makes me feel horrible about myself and I'm worried that this is the little bit that will fuck everything up. Feels horrible about self = depression coming back. I don't know why I can't just get up in the morning. I don't know why I have to wait till the very last minute. I'm getting myself to the gym now but I need more. I need to lose weight. Not just for self esteem, but for health as well.

I'll get there I guess. I'm going to pick M's brain about this too.

That's all I got. Short post for today. But hey - happy.

1/22/19

I'm sitting in my living room, wrapped up in a blanket, sipping tea, and utterly enjoying myself. I'm relaxed and content, warm and happy.

And you have no idea how weird this is.

No seriously. It's really fucking weird. To not be depressed? To not feel empty and hopeless and down? To not want to die? It's really fucking weird. See, I'm so used to being depressed that I don't know what to do with myself or how to act when I'm not depressed. How stupid is that?

Actually, it's not that stupid. See, you do one thing for so long that you forget how to do the other thing. The other thing for me is being happy. But you know what? I'm going to own that. I'm going to make being happy my bitch! Yes I am!

It just means that I have to relearn how to be me. Truth be told, I've become more of an introvert and a bit awkward around people. Maybe that truly is the new me. If so, I can work with that. Maybe that's just how I was while dealing with depression and now I'll blossom. Time will tell.

At any rate, I'm actually feeling content and happy and I don't want to die and this is freaking HUGE y'all!

In other news, my talk with Dr. M went well and I am no longer doing ECT. He told me that if the depression comes back and I feel like I need a treatment I can just call and get on the schedule. He was fully supportive of me taking a break and seeing how I do without it for which I'm so grateful. It has officially been 9 weeks since my last ECT treatment and I'm doing good so hopefully that's an indication of things to come. 

1/14/19

Well, again it's been quite awhile since I posted. Eighteen days, geez. Oh well. I've been busy. I think I've mentioned before that hubby and I bought a house and, well, we've been moving in over the past week and a half.

Exciting stuff!!

Except that moving sucks and you never really know how much crap you have until you have to move it. Holy shit do we have a lot of crap! But that's okay - we can sell some stuff (gotta make room for more crap!).

Anyway, mood wise I've actually been doing pretty good. I still have the emptiness but it's not the driver anymore - it's hanging in the back seat. It still rears its ugly head and tries to take over - and sometimes it does - but I'm finding it easier to manage it. I think this past depressive episode is finally winding down (I mean golly it's only been almost 4 months). Which means I should have a couple of months or so before the next one hits.

So today I've been a little anxious. I have an appointment this afternoon with Dr. M to discuss me stopping ECT. I don't want to do it anymore as I'm not really seeing any benefit from it. Neither is my hubby or my friends. All I'm seeing is memory loss. Short term and long term. So I want to stop. I know Dr. M isn't going to be pleased with that and I'm sure he'll encourage me to continue it. But no, I want to stop. Hopefully the appointment goes smoothly.

11/29/18

It's been awhile since I've written . . . 13 days or so. I have things I want to say and I can't seem to get them out. I can't seem to form a coherent thought. Which is so frustrating it's not even funny. So this is just a quick note to say that I'm still here, and I'm still struggling. I haven't been necessarily feeling outright depressed, but more empty. Empty is not fun. It's no place to be. I don't feel anything.

That's not entirely true. I feel anger and anxiety. Those two emotions are ever present.

I've gotten better again at faking happiness, so that people are none the wiser as to what's really going on. But it's hard not to feel. I don't like it. 

8/24/18

It's been almost a month since my last post. I find that it's harder for me to write when I'm feeling good.  And that's how I've been feeling - good. I'm stable, I'm even happy. It's weird to be feeling this way and it seems to be a little weird for the people around me (hubby mentioned he's not quite sure how to act with me being "normal"). I've had coworkers and friends tell me that I'm acting like my old self, which honestly, is nice to hear.

So what am I writing about today? I'm happy and doing well, so what, really, am I writing about?

Well, let's just say that being stable and well isn't all it's cracked up to be. To put it bluntly, I don't know what to do with myself. I really don't. I have more time during the day to do things since I'm not crippled with depression and I don't know what to do. It also doesn't help since I seem to have developed the habit of procrastination. I procrastinate and procrastinate, putting things off until I have no time to do them and then I have to come up with excuses as to why I didn't get shit done. This only happens when I'm at home mind you, I don't do this at work.

Let's take today for example. Rather than get up and workout, which is what I had planned to do, I laid around in bed. Uh oh! It's time to take my son to school, guess I can't workout. When I got home from taking Ayden to school, I had coffee and perused Instagram for a little bit. Only "a little bit" turned into an hour and an hour turned into an hour and a half. No! I need to clean the bathrooms! And do the dishes! And work on a drawing!

So what did I do?

I went upstairs and laid down for "a few minutes" (like half an hour). The only reason I woke up is because my hubby texted me. Okay. I gotta clean. But I don't want to and I'm coming up with every excuse as to why I can't do it today. I had this overwhelming feeling of NOT wanting to get it done. But I cleaned. And I congratulated myself on getting it done (even though I did a shitty job). And then I showered instead of cleaning the second bathroom. I made excuses. And hey - it was already 11:30 and I hadn't even showered yet!

But I didn't want to shower. And I didn't want to shave or wash my hair or put on makeup or do any of those things at all. I wanted to go and lay back down and take yet another nap.

Why the fuck is it I just want to sleep?? Instead of drawing or painting or reading or working out or  watching TV. All I want to do is sleep. Every day I'm off I take a nap and I will purposefully NOT do something so that I can sleep. This to me doesn't seem normal. This seems like depression behavior but I'm not depressed. I don't like it. I want to do the things I used to love like painting and reading. I want to be able to clean the house without constantly coming up with excuses not to do it.  I want to be able to actually work out and not just say I'm going to. Tomorrow.

Seriously! I don't know what my problem is! What's wrong with me? Why can't I just get shit done like normal people do?? I guess I'll be exploring this with my hubby and therapist instead of hiding it and making excuses.