Tuesday 1/30/24 This is Nice

 Been a minute since I last wrote. I've been enjoying my time with no school work. It's so nice. I have time to draw and paint and read, to work out and nap, to relax. It's just so freaking nice. Guess I didn't realize how much I need those things in my life until I couldn't do them anymore. 

Last post I mentioned that I had homework for therapy. So I did 3 self portraits. I'm pleased with how they turned out. I need to scan them into the computer and maybe I'll share them here. We'll see. But I got them done, I've painted dragons (2024 is the year of the dragon), and today I'm painting koi fish. I'm also going to spend the afternoon sitting on the deck and reading (it's supposed to be 60 degrees here today). I've read 2 books over the past week and a half, Wabi Sabi and Ikigai (both books on living imperfectly and finding meaning in your life based on Japanese principles). The book I'm currently reading is on Buddhism and I ordered another book on Buddhism to read after this one. They all have been good reads, interesting and calming. I'm thoroughly enjoying myself.

Also I've been working out consistently these past 2 weeks. Three days a week. A good start. I'm proud of myself for that. And it feels good to be doing it as well, an added bonus. And I started a program called Golo. It's a lifestyle changing, weight loss program. I'll be eating more whole foods and less junk/processed foods. Which - lets be honest - we all should be doing this anyway. They have a supplement to take as well that is supposed to help with cravings and help balance blood sugar and insulin levels. I'm optimistic. Mainly because I'll be eating healthier, which will be good for my anyway. Hopefully eating cleaner and working out will help me drop some weight and be overall healthier (I know it will). I have to work on binge eating junk at work - especially on busy/stressful days. I tend to go overboard there. If there's junk out, I'll eat it. I've been doing hypnosis to help with this and I've been doing better. Go me. 

Work has been work. Yesterday was slow as hell and was the longest day ever. Tomorrow will be a shit show because the doctors decided it was a good idea to schedule EVERYTHING for the week on one day. Fucking stupid. But I'll get through. I'd love to have a week off with no work. Not necessarily to do anything, but just to not have to go to work. That would be nice. 

That's what's been up. Nothing exciting. Moods have been steady, no ups or downs, just an even keel. Which is also nice. 

Toodle loo!

Tuesday 1/16/24 No More School!

 School is done!! I ended up with a 95% in the class because I kind of bombed the final (got a 72% on that - every question had 2 right answers and I had to pick which one was most right, ugh). But hey - a 95% is damn good for struggling as much as I did, doubting myself as much as I did, and it being my first class in over 17 years. Go me! It's so nice to be done. Like, really nice. 

Anyway, I had therapy today and we're going to start working on my self esteem. Cause I kinda don't like myself all that much. I mean, I do, at times, but I'm really insecure, especially with how I look. Let's be honest - I could stand to lose some weight. Not just for looks - for health. On that thread, I'm starting working out again. And it's made me realize just how out of shape I am. I mean, wow. So I've got that to work on. And Becky gave me homework for our next session - to paint how I feel about myself. I have some ideas floating around . . . we'll see what I come up with. 

So yeah, that's about it. Another short post. That's okay. Maybe next week I'll have more to say. 

Tuesday 12/12/23 It Continues

It continues . . . schoolwork that is. I got 100% on my COPD pamphlet, so that's cool. I honestly figured that I wasn't going to get a good grade on it as I didn't feel it was that creative and creativity was a big portion of the grade. So I was surprised to see that yesterday. Go me. Taking my midterm on Friday so I can maybe have a little time to study (I've been doing this week's discussions today, along with a mandatory work class I had to do), but I work the next 2 days, so . . . when exactly am I going to study? I have no idea. 

In other news, I had therapy yesterday. It was a good session. At least my therapist said it was :) No, it was. My mood has been slipping though. I've been feeling more down this past week, more stressed, more close to tears, and more overwhelmed. I'm also questioning if school is what I really want to be doing. You know - do I really want to be a nurse practitioner and be the one responsible for diagnosing and treating patients? Is that what I truly want or is it only what I think I want? I have no idea, honestly. But I have these doubts in my head and it's making me anxious. Everyone seems to think that I would make a good psychiatric nurse practitioner except for me. But is this because it's not what I really want to do, or is it imposter syndrome? Am I just doubting my abilities so much that I don't want to do this? I have no idea and it's frustrating. I don't know what to do. Hopefully with time I'll figure it out. I had sure better figure it out. 

On that note, I registered for my next class. Advanced physical assessment. Don't know what to expect with that one, just like I didn't know what to expect with this one. And that, of course, makes me anxious. I'm showing that I can do it so far. Lowest grade a 95%? I'm killing it so far (we'll see how my midterm goes on Friday). It's just, I feel like ALL of my free time is school. Because it is. I really don't have time for anything else. I'd love to do some drawing or painting but I simply don't have time. I feel guilty taking the 10 minutes it's taken me to write this. I just don't know if this is the right direction for me. I already feel burnt out. I get no breaks. No breaks for holidays, no breaks between classes. No breaks at all. It's just go, go, go. All the time. There's always school work to be done. 

Time will tell I guess. I just hope it tells me soon.

Monday 10/16/23 I was Accepted

 Welp. I was accepted into my nurse practitioners program. Funny, I guess I never really realized that there was a chance that I wouldn't be accepted. I submitted my application and was like yep. I'm in. But then I got a call from my admissions rep congratulating me on getting in and it dawned on me that I could have been rejected. But anyway, I'm in. And yes, I'm still terrified. Everyone seems to think that I'll do so good and that this is just what I need to be doing. But I'm not convinced.

I saw my therapist last Thursday and told her that I had applied and had been accepted. She was proud of me and happy for me and mentioned that she thought it was going to take months to even get me thinking about applying. Well I proved her wrong! But no really - I'm as shocked as she was. We spent our time going over my fears of school and my perceived short comings. She's going to help me not self sabotage, which is good, because I tend to do that. I'll see her again the week before school starts (first day is November 20th!). I'm nervous. I'm scared shitless, lets be honest. Hopefully this will be good.

Today has been weird. I don't feel right. I've been sick this past week and a half with a cold - achy, congested, cough - but today I feel weird. Like I'm tipsy or something. Almost lightheaded but not quite. Kind of like I'm not real. I don't like it. I have reading I need to do and all I want to do is lie down because of how I feel. I spent the morning drawing a commission and I'm still in my jammies. And I feel tipsy and I really don't like it. I'll probably lie down for at least a little bit, hope this feeling passes. I can't focus or concentrate at the moment because of it. 

Ugh. Okay. I gotta go lie down. That's enough for today. 

Thursday 9/14/23 Therapy

 I had therapy this morning. In fact, I just got home from it. It was a good and productive session, but damn was I emotional. Anger and sadness. Sadness and anger. Lots of both. I don't necessarily know if I want to get into deep details here . . . I guess we'll just see what I write.

I'm still angry at work. I still don't want to go to work. And my anger is getting to the point where I'm going to break something or break down crying. Or both. And it's exhausting. I'm trying so hard to be a happy, positive, functioning adult yet I'm overwhelmed by this anger. I'm so tired of it. Something has to give. I don't know how to process or handle my anger. It's such an uncomfortable feeling and every time I think I'm getting the hang of it I go to work and it resurfaces. What kind of bullshit is that? My anger is directly stemming from work. From people I care for and love leaving, from all the changes going on, from being super busy and understaffed all the time, and from feeling trapped and stagnant in my position. I could apply for the charge nurse position, that would be something different. But then I'd just have a ton more stress and responsibility for a whopping $1 more an hour. Is that what I really want? I can look for a job somewhere else, but it will probably just be same shit, different location (and I'd be starting over). At least where I'm at I know the shit and the people I work with. But I do feel stagnant. Stuck. Bored sometimes with the work I do. Like I need something different and challenging. But what? I've toyed with the idea of going back to school for years, but it scares me. I've always thought I wanted to be a psychiatric nurse practitioner, that this was my calling. But school really scares me. What if I fail? What if I invest tons of time and money and fail? Or, worse, what if I succeed and hate it? Then what do I do?

I have all these thoughts and feelings and more coursing through me right now and I can't seem to figure anything out. I have tunnel vision. I'm confused as to what to do and clouded by my anger. I have homework to do - to talk with Jeremy about all of this and get his opinion on it. Which I will, tonight. Hopefully it will add some clarity. Because right now I'm lost. And it sucks.

In other news, a few nights ago my mom got really drunk and fell. Broke 6 ribs. She was in the hospital for 2 days. I'm supposed to call her today but I really don't feel like it. I don't want to hear the lie she comes up with as to why she fell. It sucks that she fell and is in a ton of pain. I feel awful for that. I feel bad for her. But at the same time I don't. She's never going to learn that it's her alcoholism causing this. That she fell because she was piss drunk. That she's fallen because of it before (4 or 5 times) and that she'll continue to fall and deteriorate because of it. She just doesn't see that and it's frustrating. It's like dealing with a toddler. I don't want to see her hurt but it's kind of like, what is it going to take for her to admit that she has a problem? I don't see how her husband can be okay with this. I don't know. The whole situation is fucked.

Anyway, that's all I feel like writing today. I feel emotionally drained, my dog is gassy and farting up a storm, and I'm tired.

 

Monday 8/21/23 Therapy

 I had therapy last Thursday and we covered a variety of topics: work, my physical health, art, and my best friend Lesley most likely moving out of state. My friend moving is what I want to focus on today.

See, I don't have many friends. People whom I consider good friends. Aside from my hubby, I have two. Yep. Only two. Beth and Lesley. And Lesley is my best friend. I've known her for 15 years. She's always been there for me, no matter what I've needed. And now . . . well, now she's probably moving out of state, back to Ohio. And I haven't really acknowledged this fact. In fact, I've been ignoring it and it's implications. Which came up with full force in therapy.

Becky asked me about my friends and other relationships. Most of my other "friends" are just people I'm friendly with at work - they're not people whom I consider friends. I casually mentioned that Lesley was going to most likely be moving and Becky asked me to elaborate on that. And so I did. And I got emotional. It took everything I had not to start crying which caught me off guard. See, mostly I've been frustrated with Lesley as of late. I haven't really thought of her actually moving. And apparently, this is going to be rough for me. 

Some back story on Lesley: she's an introvert. Very much so. She'd rather be at home more than anywhere else. Each year for my, Beth's, and her birthdays we would go out and get coffee. Give gifts. Have a good time. The past two years it's been like pulling teeth to get her to leave her house - even for this. We don't ask much of her - we know she's an introvert. But now it's getting worse. She's had a rough year - she lost two of her three dogs (her dogs are like her kids to her) and had back surgery, from which she's still recovering. I get that it's been a rough year for her, I do. But she's becoming even more reclusive because of it, if that's even possible. She's turning inward and giving in to her misery and isn't doing anything to help herself. She won't let anyone - including Beth and I - to do anything for her. I just see her getting worse and worse. If she didn't have her dog, Kevin, I think she'd throw in the towel. Which worries me, greatly. 

Since she's been on FMLA (which has been about 10 weeks, I think), it seems as though she's given up on life completely. She's giving up on everything she has. She's had a realtor come to her house, she's packing, she's making sure she has her nursing license squared away in Ohio . . . she's set on selling her house, moving back home to Ohio, and getting a nursing job where she doesn't have to leave her house. And she's being rather secretive about all of this. She's giving hints but isn't coming outright and saying it. I have to pry it out of her. I feel as though she's pulling away from us to try and make it easier on herself. 

All of this frustrates me and makes me angry. But, what I didn't realize, is how sad it's making me. Talking with Becky brought the sadness out. And I don't know what to do with it or how to handle it. Lesley leaving is going to be a loss I have to go through. We'll still text and send each other memes and face time, but it's not going to be the same. I won't see her at work. I can't just go over to her house or out to coffee with her. I'm going to miss her. And I didn't realize the impact of this until talking to Becky about it. The whole situation sucks. I want Lesley to be happy, but I don't want her to go. Which feels awfully selfish of me. 

Becky said I should write a letter to Lesley, telling her gently how I feel. And I thought I would. But I got home from therapy last Thursday feeling drained and I didn't. And then I swept my feelings under the rug and forgot about them. Or at least tried to. Until now. So here I am, writing everything out. I don't know what I would say to Lesley. I don't know how to put it gently. I don't want to make her feel bad. I don't want to make this harder for her. But my feelings matter too, I guess. So, here goes.

Lesley. You are my best friend and I love you. I wish you knew how much people cared about you. I wish you knew how much I care about you. I wish things were different and you hadn't have had such a rough year. But it feels like you're running away and giving up. It feels like you're pushing me away and not letting me in any more. It feels shitty. I want nothing more than for you to be happy but I feel like you're going about it the wrong way. And yes - I feel shitty and selfish for saying that. I don't want you to get to Ohio and still be unhappy, but now you have no support and no one that you know to help you. I'm going to miss you. Even though you drive me crazy sometimes, I'm going to miss you. Texting and face timing are not the same as seeing you in person and I'm worried that our friendship will suffer because of it. I feel it already has. I feel like you're not treating this as the big deal that it is. This is a huge life change and it's going to affect all of us, for better or worse. Most likely for worse. I don't want you to change your mind because of me. I want you to be happy. I just don't want to lose you as a friend and have you push me away because you think it'll be easier that way. It won't be. I'm angry and frustrated and sad. And I don't know how to tell you any of this without hurting your feelings or making you feel bad. I'm sorry for this. I just need you to know that you are loved and you are going to be missed. 

I don't know what else to say. I feel what I've written is not very good. In all honesty, I don't think I would show it to her. Unless I showed her this whole blog post for context. I hate the situation. I wish she could be happy here. I wish she wasn't leaving. I wish it didn't feel like I was losing my best friend. 

And yes, I'm crying. 

 

Thursday 7/13/23 A Little Bit Off

 I'm a little bit off today. I woke up at 5:30am wide awake. But it was 5:30 and I didn't want to be up yet, so I went back to sleep. Kind of. Then I woke up at 6:30 and was terribly groggy. So groggy that I didn't get out of bed until 7:15. And I just can't today. I'm not feeling it. It's safe to say that I'm feeling down. More than just blah, which is how I have been feeling the past few days. I couldn't get myself to workout or do anything really. I had part of a protein shake, a little bit of coffee, and then I laid down again, stared at the ceiling. Forced myself to get up and shower.

There are several reasons for feeling this way, I think. Let's start with my weight. I've been trying to lose weight, for quite some time now. Been doing Noom for about 5 months. And I've been stuck. Not losing anything for the whole time. Until getting back from Japan. I started losing. I lost about 7 pounds. Go me! No, not so much. I've gained back 5 of those pounds. Without eating more. My weight just creeps up. I lose a pound, gain it back the next day. I can't seem to just steadily lose weight and it's fucking frustrating. I don't know what to do. I have body image issues - always have - and this is making it worse. Making me feel like a failure. A big, fat failure. I'm trying not to think like this, I know it doesn't help, but after gaining weight again for the 4th day in a row . . . well, it's hard not to. 

Next, let's talk about work. Ahhhhh, work. I don't want to go. At all. Like, desperately don't want to go. I don't exactly know why. I'm not enjoying my job anymore. I'm burnt out. And so much is changing there, not for the better. We have all new upper management and the only thing they're concerned with is making money. There have been cutbacks and layoffs - when we're already often short staffed. But what do they care? The CEOs and CNOs need to get their hefty paychecks and bonuses. Screw the floor staff. We have to do more with less and it's just getting stupid. And our manager quit. She was awesome. She fought for us. And now she's gone. The 3 people that applied for it . . . well, none of them are that good. I'm worried what this means for our unit. And I can't leave - I'm stuck until at least December because I signed a 2 year contract for a bonus. And even if I could leave, where would I go? Other units have it worse than us. And going to a new facility means I'd probably have to work night shift which I physically and mentally can't do. So I really AM stuck. I dread going in. What kind of a shit show is it going to be today? I'm having a hard time connecting with patients because I so desperately don't want to be there. Which makes me even more miserable. The whole situation just sucks.

Lastly, let's talk about faith. I've been struggling in my faith. When I was baptized (what was that, 3 years ago?) I was excited. I felt like I knew what this faith thing was all about. It was comforting to me. But as time has gone on, not so much. It's like I can't quite put a finger on what I actually believe. The Catholic faith seems so suffocating now, and I never even considered myself a true Catholic. I'm more a a cafeteria Catholic - take what I like and leave the rest. But now I'm struggling with even that. Going to mass is a chore - one I don't want to do. I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it. My prayer life is sporadic at best. I pray - I do - but it feels so forced and false. I don't know how to pray. My prayers are images in my mind more than anything else. Which doesn't feel right. I don't know how to describe it. I haven't told anyone about this. Because I feel bad. I feel like a fake and a failure because my faith is wavering. I know Jeremy would tell me to try harder, read the bible more, pray more . . . the problem is I don't want to. And that makes me feel terrible. I know faith is important to Jeremy. Mass is important to him. Prayer is important to him. I feel like I'm letting him down. And that's a shitty feeling. 

All of this came to a head today and I'm not dealing with it all that well. I've felt like crying all day. The tears don't come but they're right there. I managed to draw a little today. I designed my next tattoo (or what I would really like to be my next tattoo). A kitsune. 

This is the only thing that has made me feel somewhat okay today. Drawing this. I want it on my left thigh. I just have to convince Jeremy to let me get it. We'll see. I love foxes and kitsune commemorate our trip to Japan. 

So yeah. All this crap. I have therapy today at 4. We're supposed to be focusing on my body image issues but I have this other stuff too. I don't know. I guess we'll see how it goes. 

Thursday 5/4/23 Another 2 Weeks

 Well, another 2 weeks has gone by and I have nothing spectacular to report. I guess the big news is that I'm still stable, still doing well, and feeling "normal" (whatever that is). Which is wonderful, really. I had therapy 2 weeks ago and I don't see Becky again until after our trip to Japan. And I don't feel like I need to see her before that. Which is an amazing feeling. It's so weird to be stable again, but here I am. I'll just roll with it.

Speaking of the Japan trip . . . we leave on May 25th. Three weeks. OMG. It's come up so quickly! It's always felt so far off in the future and now it's just around the corner. We're only bringing carry on bags plus a personal bag each (we plan on doing laundry while there), so the other day I practice packed my suitcase to see what all I could fit in there - I want to be prepared! I could fit a whole lot more than I thought I was going to be able to fit in there. So that's awesome. I'm nervous about jet lag and how that's going to affect my mood. And I need to talk to Dr. M about when I should take my meds (I normally take them before bed, but with the 15ish hour time change I don't know if I should keep taking them on the same schedule which would mean taking them around lunch time, or if I should still take them before bed - I don't know!!). My mood is what worries me most (besides Moya, but I know she'll be in good hands). I guess we'll see how it goes and try to roll with it. 

That's really about it. Work has been work - but not bad - just work. Yeah. Can't really think of anything else. 

Okay bye. 

Thursday 4/20/23 Another long stretch

 Wow. It's been another long stretch since I've posted. There's a reason for this: I'm doing okay. I'm stable. I'm not depressed. Everything is status quo. I'm a normal functioning adult. Which is weird. Like, really weird. But I'm okay with it. I am. Or, at least, I'm trying to be. (Weird statement. I know. It's just that I'm so used to not being okay that being okay is completely different and a little scary).

I had therapy today and kind of hijacked it. Maybe a lot hijacked it. Because we didn't do much parts work - it was more talk therapy (like what I would do with Mike). But I felt it was a good session. We focused on mainly anxiety surrounding our trip to Japan. Because I'm super anxious about it. I woke up Tuesday morning at 2am and couldn't go back to sleep because my brain was coming up with every scenario possible of what could go wrong on the trip. So much fun. So Becky and I talked about it. She tried to reign me in and work some parts talk in, focusing on my anxious part, my creative part, etc. All in all though, it was a good session. I feel a little better about it. Maybe. 

There hasn't been much of anything else going on. I'm tired today, I have a headache. I've had a headache pretty much every day this week and last weekend. Not really digging it. I may just take a nap. We'll see. 

We found a gentleman to watch Moya while we're in Japan. Which is good because what to do with Moya has been a HUGE area of stress for me. I took her to a local kennel for a trial run last week. She apparently did great but I cried the whole way home after dropping her off because I was so worried and felt so bad. I really don't want her to be in a kennel for 2.5 weeks while we're gone. So we looked on Rover (a pet sitting website) and found a guy named Drew who happens to be a dog trainer. We met with him on Monday (with Moya, of course) and he really put me at ease. He's laid back and chill, good with dogs, and Moya seemed to get along well with his dog Echo. So Drew will be watching Moya while we're gone. I feel much better about this than leaving her in a kennel. Don't get me wrong - I'm still going to worry about her - but I know she'll be well cared for while we're away. *huge sigh of relief*

Anyway, that's all I got. I'm stable. I'm doing good. Moya is taken care of. Now I just have the rest of the Japan trip to worry about!

Thursday 3/30/23 Been a While

 Wow. It's been 2 weeks since I last wrote. Quite honestly, nothing much has been going on. I'm relatively stable - not doing great, but not depressed either. I'm just kind of meh. I have good moments, I can feel happiness or joy or anger or any other feeling, but most of the time I'm just meh. No big deal. Whatever. 

I haven't been painting. At all. I haven't painted in like 3 weeks. I haven't really done much of anything. I go to work. I volunteer (like today). I nap. I tend to nap a lot. Most days I'm off. I hang out with my hubby. I'm pretty darn boring as of late. And that's okay. No drama. 

I had therapy on Tuesday with Becky. I needed to talk about my mom (we went to dinner with her last week and - surprise - she was drunk and acted a fool). I'm sick of dealing with her. I'm sick of talking to her, whether it be in person, on the phone, or text. She thinks that we're best friends. That not only am I her daughter, but also friend, confidant, and therapist. And I'm fucking sick of it. In reality we don't have ANY of those relationships, other than the fact that since she gave birth to me I guess that qualifies me as her daughter. We don't have a mother-daughter relationship. What little we do have is toxic. Because of her. Because she is an alcoholic. Because she's always been an alcoholic. And because she's delusional enough to think that she doesn't drink at all and therefore doesn't have a problem. I just can't anymore. And I vomited this all out to Becky on Tuesday. And, seeing how Becky uses the IFS model of therapy, we broke down what I was feeling into their respective parts. For example: I have a part that hates my mom. I have a protective part that puts up walls (like ignoring texts or calls from my mom). I have a part that I call naïve that holds out hope that someday maybe she'll stop drinking (Becky told me to call this a "hopeful part" instead of naïve). So my "hopeful" part and protective parts butt heads and that's where my internal conflict comes from. Okay . . . I guess that makes sense, on some level. I have a problem picking out my individual "parts". Becky is good at it. She pulled out like 5 or 6 parts in a matter of minutes whereas I couldn't really identify anything other than myself. But apparently my thoughts and conflicts are from my parts. Not "me". I have a hard time grasping this concept. It sounds like mumbo jumbo to me, and I'm not quite sure I buy into all of this yet. But I'll keep going and keep trying to identify parts on my own. Like the skeptical part of me, that isn't "me". This doesn't make sense. ANYWAY, Becky stressed that I don't have a relationship with my "mom" but with a person who is an addict. And that I do need to work on boundaries with her, for my own sanity. If my protective parts had their say I would cut her out of my life for good. But then there's a guilty part that thinks "but she's your mother. How could you do that to your mother??" Because she's a toxic drunk who only really cares about herself! Because just getting a text from her makes me anxious and makes my blood boil! Because I can't stand anything about her! But the guilt persists. And the stupid, annoying little "hopeful" part persists. I'm supposed to embrace these parts and nurture them, find out what they need, and then try to give them that. I'm supposed to do the same with my protective parts, which seems easier because I think "myself" is more in line with their thinking. But, then again, I don't know what "my self" is. I guess this means I have a long way to go in therapy. At least with the IFS model. Wow. That was a lot of rambling.

Anyway, I guess I'm okay over all and I need more therapy and boundaries. And more sunshine and warmth.  

Tuesday 3/14/23 Therapy

 Well, I just got home from therapy and I feel . . . weird. I don't know. 

So I think I've written before that my new therapist uses Internal Family Systems (IFS) as her main mode of, well, doing therapy. IFS basically says that we're made up of all these different parts - none of them "bad" - but all these different parts. Our job in therapy is to get to know these parts and nurture them, love them, give them what they need to thrive and work together inside of us. For example, today we worked with my "body image" part, my inner critic, and my "abandoned child" parts. IFS is completely different than what I'm used to doing in therapy. Mostly what Mike and I did in our sessions was talk therapy with some CBT thrown in for good measure. I've also done DBT and equine therapy. None of this is really that similar to IFS. It's a completely different animal. And it makes me . . . uncomfortable. I think because it is so different. 

I guess an example is warranted, right?

Okay. Let's take my body image part. I closed my eyes and imagined what this part would look like. What characteristics it had, its age, its memories. Everything I could imagine about it. Make it as concrete as possible. My therapist, Becky, guided me through this. How did this part feel? I determined that it was ageless but presented as a younger girl, maybe 7 or 8 years old, and felt ashamed and embarrassed. It felt small and maybe even weak. We tried to determine what this part needed to feel safe (I'm not sure). Maybe love and compassion. What was the earliest memory of this part (overhearing my step-mom comment on my weight and being embarrassed about being seen in my swimsuit after that - we were at a pool). Other things? Never feeling comfortable in my body. Not having confidence in my appearance. Always feeling "fat" or overweight, even when I wasn't. And when I wasn't overweight, not liking attention I was getting. 

I tend to binge eat. I've tried purging in the past but failed because for the life of me I can't make myself throw up. But I binge. In secret (sometimes out in the open, but mostly in secret). Binging because food temporarily makes me feel "better". Makes me feel calm. Makes me feel in control (when in reality I'm out of control). Food gave me a sense of comfort as a child while living in a chaotic, unpredictable environment (growing up with an alcoholic mother). Now, when I feel anxious/depressed/bored/tired/scared/or any number of other things, I binge. To try and seek comfort. To try and feel calm. To feel "better". My inner critic hates this part of me. Tries to shame and belittle it into not binging. Which makes the body image part feel bad and, probably, ultimately binge again. 

My job is to try and nurture this part. Show it compassion. Show it that I care for it and it can trust me. To show it that it doesn't need to binge anymore because I'm with it and care for it. And to give my inner critic another job besides mean-ass drill sergeant. Maybe it can be a coach and gently and lovingly work with the body image part to become better. 

So this is what we did in therapy today. Along with working a little with the abandoned child part of me as well. The abandoned child has been close to me since Mike retired as it was pretty horrifically triggered by that event. I already feel love and compassion for this part of me and have been trying to nurture it since that event. Even when I'm not aware I'm doing it. But now I need to consciously work with this part to heal. 

So yeah. That's IFS in a nutshell. It's totally different and I'm not quite sure how I buy into it yet. Time will tell, I suppose. 

In other news, this past week has been a little bit better mood wise. Although yesterday and this morning I was very meh. I did absolutely nothing yesterday, except read. I felt awful about that and I'm trying not to beat myself up over it (inner critic, I'm talking to you). This morning was also lazy with doing nothing but laundry and reading. I need to workout. I need to do things. I still just have no motivation or drive at all. And I hate that. Legit, really hate that. Even with doing nothing I feel like I have no time to myself. Like it's all work and volunteering and time is slipping away from me. I need to make better use of my time. I really do. But that's hard when the motivation is lacking. 

Anyway, I guess that's it. I have therapy again in 2 weeks. My homework is to be aware of my parts - especially the 3 we worked with today - and start trying to work with them instead of against them. So yeah. That's where I'm at.   

Tuesday 2/28/23 Almost March

 Tomorrow is March y'all. That's crazy. My son will be 16 on the 8th - which is also crazy. Time flies . . .

I feel like I need to write. I always feel like I need to write when I'm feeling crappy. Somehow, writing helps, even if only a tiny bit. I've just been consistently not doing good. I'm still down. Hell, let's call it what it is - depressed. I've been depressed. I'm having a hard time accomplishing anything other than basic tasks. I shower, I eat, I do laundry. I go to work and struggle to get by. I have no motivation or drive for anything. I'm having a hard time concentrating enough again to even read. I hate this. I don't know what to do. I'm seeing my new therapist every other week, taking my meds like a good girl, trying to exercise at least twice a week, trying to eat better, trying to stay positive (which is all fake and extremely difficult to do), and trying to socialize with people while at work and not be a complete downer. 

But I am a complete downer. I'm not any fun to be around right now. My mood is low. I'm sluggish. I'm not connecting with people. I'm struggling. I'm so burnt out at work. I dread going. And I don't know what to do about that. I've been in the birth center for almost 14 years and I've always loved my job. But now . . . I'm burnt out. I don't want to go. But I'm not sure I can leave (well, right now I can't leave as I had signed a 2 year contract for a bonus). And if I left, what would I do? Where would I go? I have a feeling that no matter what I do I'll be miserable because in general right now I'm miserable. So what would be the point? I might as well stay where I know my job and the people I work with. I don't know if I dread work because I'm depressed in general or if work is a major contributor to feeling depressed. Maybe it's both. Who knows. The only other area of nursing I'm interested in is psych and everyone agrees that that's probably a bad idea for me. And inpatient psych . . . yeah. Probably wouldn't be rewarding. It's treat the crisis and ship them out. And people in crisis can be nasty to others. How would dealing with that make me feel?

Ugh.

So I have no clue as to what to do. I can have another ketamine infusion in March if I want (boosters are once a month). I felt amazing after my last one but that feeling quickly faded. So I'm worried the same thing will happen again. Maybe I should go anyway. I don't know. I feel lost and sad and a little scared. And I'm so freaking tired of feeling this way. Why can't I have some toned down, euphoric hypomania? Just a little bit. Just for a little while. Is that too much to ask?

I did a painting titled "Emerge". It's kind of, trying to emerge from the darkness that is depression. Except instead of a person I drew a fox. I mean, why not?

Here it is. I like it, I guess. It came out how I envisioned it, so that's good. The problem, though, is that I'm not emerging from the darkness. I'm enveloped in it. I'm stuck. And I hate that.

Thursday 2/23/23 Therapy

 So I had therapy today - my second session with my new therapist. And I felt like such a goob the whole time. I felt close to tears almost the entire session and my voice showed it I think. See, my depression has hit me hard the past few days. Well, week or so. Let's be honest. And today, before therapy, I was close to tears. For no real reason. Just feeling like crap. So it's no surprise that I was feeling the same way in therapy. Beforehand I managed to start a few drawings (didn't paint though), so my time wasn't completely worthless (I wanted to stare off into space). 

But anyway. Therapy. Becky started by giving me a stack of cards with pictures on them. She instructed me to go through the stack and pick out any that resonated with me. I picked out around 8ish cards. We then discussed why each of them resonated with me. The cards basically represent some of my various "parts" (we're doing Internal Family Systems therapy, or IFS). Today we focused on a blocking part. A part of me that blocks out strong emotions. It doesn't necessarily keep me numb (well, sometimes maybe), but it keeps me from feeling strong emotions and being overwhelmed by them or "losing control". 

While reading the book No Bad Parts (which is about IFS), I came across and "abandoned girl" part of me. I felt a wave of sadness and intense grief come over me, started to tear up, and then BAM! Curtain dropped, wall up, the feelings were blocked. That's the work of this "blocking" part of me. It's scared that if I feel strong emotion like that that I'll become overwhelmed and won't be able to function, and will maybe spiral further into depression. It's kept me from fully feeling the grief over Mike retiring (except for the day of my last session with him when I did lose control and sobbed horribly). When I start to feel strong emotion over it, there's the blocking part, doing its job, keeping me from feeling. What it doesn't understand is that I need to feel these emotions, at least to an extent. So the work becomes reassuring this part that it's okay for me to feel, that I can handle it, and that I won't lose control. Which is probably easier said than done. 

We also talked in general about how I was doing, how the past two weeks have been. I took an FMLA day this past Tuesday as I felt I couldn't handle work. I work again Saturday and I plan on being there. WE talked about how that was going to look: with me probably putting on a false front and pretending that everything is okay. Which brought to light how I often keep people at an arm's distance and don't let too many people see the true me (Jer, Beth and Lesley are exceptions). And how I don't understand how anyone could genuinely care about me because I'm just . . . me. (This gets into being raised by an absent, alcoholic mother and not feeling cared for growing up. Joy.) So we opened a big 'ol box of worms. 

And now I'm feeling tearful and quite annoyed with myself for stupid things (I emailed Becky my Deviant Art page and forgot to put the ".com" in the URL so the link doesn't work so I feel stupid and inadequate and I'm beating myself up over it. Go me.). 

In other news, the last two weeks of volunteering were canceled due to snow so now it's been a month since I've gone. In a way it's a relief, but at the same time I miss it. 

Anyway, I guess that's it. There's more, I'm sure, but I'm hungry, I have to pee, and I have to pick up my son from school, so . . . that's it. 

Wednesday 2/15/23 Ugh

 My last post was rather uplifting; this one maybe not so much. 

I don't know. We'll see. It's been a rough couple of days again. I was feeling so good last Wednesday and Thursday and then Friday BAM! Back to being down. More lost, I think. I worked Saturday and was just feeling down the whole time. Sunday I was supposed to go to a Super Bowl party with Jer at his friend's house and I ended up not going - I was NOT feeling it. Thinking about socializing with a ton of people I don't know sounded awful and made me anxious. On top of that I was feeling pretty down all day, so I didn't go. I stayed home and read. Monday I was called off. Which was probably a good thing because I had an extra day to "recover" before working yesterday. Work yesterday was stupid busy. Busy enough that I couldn't pay attention to how I was feeling. Well, except a couple of fleeting moments of down time in which I felt down and exhausted. 

So ugh. Why did I have to go from hopeful and okay back to this? It's frustrating and annoying and stupid and not fair. I'm over it.

Today is a snow day for Ayden and Jer is working from home - we got a decent amount of snow over night and it's still snowing. I'm off and have accomplished nothing except starting a load of laundry. I talked to my mom on the phone for a bit earlier and surprisingly she hadn't been drinking. Guess I caught her early enough. Now I'm just sitting here, wondering what to do with myself. I don't feel like painting or drawing or reading or anything really. I'm not necessarily down today, but I'm kind of just here. Just existing. Going through the motions. I know things I should do, but I lack any sort of drive to DO them. I've been staring off into space. Real productive. 

I probably will read though, after lunch. I'm almost through No Bad Parts (the book I ordered last week that my new therapist Becky has). It's . . . interesting. A new take on mental illness and therapy. One I'm not sure I quite swallow. The beginning of the book made some sense but the further I get into it . . . I'm not so sure. I'm not going to go into it here - it's a LOT to explain. I'm trying to keep an open mind about it as it's what we'll be doing in therapy. So we'll see how it goes. The book has exercises to do throughout. I was able to do the first two, but the next several after that? Nope. Nothing. So I don't know. Again, I'm trying to keep an open mind and remain curious. I can see how some things would be helpful but am not quite grasping other things. Time will tell.

Anyway, I'm hungry. I should probably eat something.

Thursday 2/9/23 A New Beginning

 A lot happened this week. I took my first intermittent FMLA day on Tuesday, I had another ketamine infusion yesterday, and I saw my new therapist today. Quite a bit if you ask me. 

I worked this past Sunday and had a really rough go of it. I was even disassociating, and people noticed. So I felt it was best if I had an extra day off and called in sick on Tuesday (which gives me the whole week off because I don't work again until Saturday). I felt bad calling in, but I have the FMLA for exactly this reason so I might as well use it. 

Yesterday was another ketamine infusion. My last one (2 weeks ago) was less than helpful. It was dark and heavy and overbearing and I felt anxious. Yesterday, though, was the complete opposite. It was light and airy and and colorful and comforting like a big marshmallow hug. I felt calm and warm and joyful. I left feeling hopeful. I still feel hopeful, which is wonderful. My mood was immediately lifted and I went from feeling depressed to feeling pretty okay. 

And today. Today I saw my new therapist for the first time. Her name is Becky and she's super nice. She does things quite a bit differently than Mike does, which will hopefully be a good thing. A new perspective, you know? A fresh set of eyes. I didn't know what to expect going in today. I was keeping an open mind. She had me talk about my last session with Mike which brought up tears. I wasn't expecting that, honestly. For it to still be so raw and painful. But that's grief for ya. Rears its ugly head whenever it pleases. We made a game plan of what we're going to tackle and she wants to see me every other week for a bit so we can start to build a relationship. I think this will be good for me. I ordered a book she had in her office, No Bad Parts, by Richard Schwartz. She trained under Dr. Schwartz, apparently, and uses his theory in her practice. So hey - why not read up on it?

Wow. I don't really have much more to write. I thought there would be more, I really did. Maybe that's a good thing? 

Thursday 2/2/23 When the Feels Are Too Much

 

This is how I feel sometimes. Like I need to scream it out. My feelings get overwhelming and need to be released. 

Not today though. Today I'm apathetic. Today I just don't give two shits about anything. Today I don't care. I don't like feeling like this, like I don't care. I'd rather feel my feelings, I think. Even when they can be overwhelming, at least I'm feeling. 

This past week has been rough at times. Not all the time; but at times. I did a painting, "Growth Through Grief" (here, I'll share it with you)

And I thought to myself how much Mike would appreciate this painting. And I started crying, because he'll never see it and that crushed me. And that's the thing. That's how grief is. You can be doing fine and then BAM! It hits you out of nowhere and you're feeling it all over again. I've had moments this past week where I've been fine - a little down or meh, but otherwise fine. And I've had moments where I've not been fine. Where I've been close to tears or crying. And then I've had some moments like today where I feel nothing. Where I'm completely apathetic. I'm getting the whole gamut I guess.

I'm seeing my new therapist next Thursday. I had emailed her, asking for times a month out, and all I got was next Thursday at 10am. Maybe she just wants to see me, make sure I'm okay since losing Mike was hard and all. I don't know. I guess I'll find out. She seemed nice when I met her last week and I'm going to do my best to keep an open mind. Because, as Jeremy says, no one will ever be Mike. But maybe this will be good for me. A fresh set of eyes. Time will tell. 

I've come to realize that I'm utterly burnt out from work. Work has been . . . work. I've not been enjoying myself and every day I work I don't want to go. I almost dread it. I know a lot of people are burnt out. Last month was slower and this month will probably be slower, which means we work even harder because our grid sucks. We get more patients and have to do the CNA work on top of it (oh, and phlebotomy too, because God forbid the hospital keep phlebotomists on hand). And it's not better anywhere else, so leaving would be pointless (not to mention signing the 2 year contract for a bonus). I don't know how to make things better. I don't know how to make me better. I'm hoping that going to Japan - a nice long vacation - will help. But I don't know if it will. Maybe I'm ready for a change. I don't know. The only other area I'm interested in is psych. And everyone thinks that's a bad idea for me to pursue. I'll just keep plugging along I guess, hoping things will get better. 

Thursday 1/26/23 The End of an Era

 I'm having a rough go of it today. Today truly is the end of an era. Today I had to say goodbye to my therapist, Mike. I knew this day was coming (he told me about his retirement in what? July? August?), but that didn't make today any easier. In fact, it's been hard as hell. I can't stop crying. It's hard to say goodbye to someone that you love. And I did love Mike. Hell, still do of course. It's just . . . now I don't get to see him anymore. He's been with me through everything. All my ups and downs (my WAY ups and my WAY downs). He's played a pivotal role in my healing over these past 10 years. It's crazy to think that I've been seeing him for 10 years. Sometimes every week. Sometimes monthly. Sometimes we'd skip 6 or 8 months. But he was always there for me, only a phone call or text away. And now . . . he's not. I didn't think it was going to hit me this hard. I didn't think that I would be crying so hard that I would hyperventilate and almost pass out. My eyes are swollen and wet (thank god for water proof mascara), they sting. I have a headache from the crying. I've been feeling emotionally fragile and now I'm just shattered. I don't know how I'm going to put the pieces together again. Sounds almost comical - I mean, it's not like I lost my husband. Mike was my therapist. But he was also a friend and a father figure for me. He's seen me at my worst and at my best. He's been my biggest cheerleader besides my husband. And I don't get to see him anymore. I'm crushed.

He didn't leave me empty handed - he's having a colleague, a lady named Becky, take over for him. I'm glad he hand picked a new therapist for me, that he knows her and likes her. That helps. But I have to start over from scratch. I have to build a new therapeutic relationship with a stranger and that's daunting. I'm starting fresh and that's scary. Jeremy has told me many times that maybe this will be a good thing, a new set of eyes, a fresh perspective. And he could be right. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm scared and grieving. 

At the end of our session today is when we talked about him retiring. I was close to tears the whole time, knowing this was coming, and then we had to bring it out in the open. I held it together in front of him. Well, kind of. I started to cry and we hugged. I lost it when I got out to my truck. I cried so hard it hurt. I cried the whole way home and I haven't really stopped. I'll be okay for a few minutes and then the tears start up again. How long is this going to hurt? Why does it have to hurt so bad?

In other news, I had my first ketamine booster infusion yesterday. It was intense - probably the most intense one I have had (and we went down in the dose). Dr. Jeff told me it would be more intense because I haven't had an infusion since October. He wasn't lying. I'm worried that having to grieve a profound loss will cancel out any positive benefits of the booster. I guess if that's the case I'll have to have a booster next month. I don't really want to but if I must, I must. 

I guess that's it then. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel utterly directionless. Lost. And profoundly sad. 

Monday 1/9/23 It's Monday

 Hooray. It's Monday. Such excitement. Much joy. Many sarcasm. 

Another week has gone by, a week filled with nothing special, really. I'm stuck in the doldrums. A little melancholy, very much meh or blah. I'm mostly just kind of . . . here. Existing. Carrying on, going through the motions, but not getting much done. I haven't drawn or painted in almost a month now. I'd like to, I just can't seem to do it. I have no inspiration or motivation, no drive. I have no motivation to do anything. Not even putting dishes in the dishwasher. Barely even basic hygiene (I really had to force myself to shower this morning and I put on basically no makeup - too much work). This, of course, doesn't help how I'm feeling. I look in the mirror and see an ogre. An ugly thing that isn't taking care of herself. And part of me doesn't care. 

Today is especially bad for some reason. Yesterday was bad too. Yesterday I was at work and getting annoyed and irritated by everything. I wasn't "feeling it". I was down and more quiet, though I tried not to be. Today I'm down as well and all I want to do is sleep. Sleep the day away. I feel slow and lazy and done with everything. And it's weird, because for as awful as I'm feeling right now I'm not flat. Not empty. Not how I normally am when I'm depressed. I have emotions (it's just that most of my emotions are negative right now). I would even say that I'm emotionally fragile. A song or a video on Facebook or Instagram could make me cry. Literally. It's frustrating. I don't want to feel this way. 

I had therapy last Thursday and it was over Zoom. I really prefer in person, but that wasn't an option last week as Mike had had hernia surgery and wasn't recovered from it yet. Zoom is better than nothing. I cried while recounting the infant death. I talked about the holidays and Ayden and his girlfriend. I felt it was a productive session but I left it feeling I needed more. More of what, I don't know. But more. And today I did another session of hypnotherapy (have I mentioned before that I'm doing this?). Trying to get my binge eating under control, trying to eat more healthfully, trying to exercise and get in shape, trying to stay away from junk food. I certainly don't feel as though I'm being "hypnotized", listening to the recordings. But they do relax me, and maybe, somehow, they'll help. I can use all the help I can get. 

If these feelings continue, if I see no improvement over the next week or so, it may be time for a ketamine booster. I don't really want to, because I'm stubborn and want to be better on my own, but I may need to suck it up an go. It's been two months since my last treatment. I was hoping I'd make it until at least three. But I can't keep doing this. I can't keep feeling this way and getting nothing done. I can't make those around me miserable with my lack of, well, everything. 

So that's where we're at. Bit of a depressing post, I know. But, well, it seems that's where I'm at right now. Hopefully this week will be better. Hopefully I'll get stuff done. 

Tuesday 1/3/22 Happy New Year

 I guess. 

Well, it's 2023. A new year is upon us. I guess it's time for new year's resolutions and whatnot, right? I'm not really big on resolutions, but I did make one for this year - I want to get in better shape so I'm not having difficulties walking around Japan in May/June. See, most of our transportation in Japan will be walking. I mean, we'll take the bullet train between cities, but mostly we'll be walking. A lot. People on a forum for Japan travelers averaged above 20,000 steps per day. I'm not used to that much walking. I'm out of shape. As of right now, I don't think my hips can take it. So I'm going to work to get my ass in shape. Which will be good for weight loss (duh) as I'd like to lose another 40-50 pounds. 

I started yesterday. Did legs at the gym. And boy are my legs sore today! Today (so far), I've done a wall Pilates session, and I plan on getting on my spin bike this afternoon. I also started a hypnotherapy program to help stop binge and emotional eating. I've done the first two sessions and we'll see I suppose. I don't feel as though I'm being "hypnotized", I just feel relaxed during the sessions. On the company's Facebook page people talk about falling asleep during the sessions. I definitely don't do that. Just feel relaxed. I'm hoping I still benefit from the sessions though (I've been binging and eating junk food like nobody's business the past two months. Ugh). 

As far as my mood has been . . . I've been okay, I guess. Mostly meh. Blah. Indifferent. I have periods where I feel better, but also periods where I feel down. But mostly I'm stuck at meh. No motivation or drive to do anything (which makes me worry about the whole exercising thing). I haven't painted or drawn anything in about 2 weeks. No inspiration, no motivation. So why bother? I have drawings that need to be painted, I just don't care to. Which really kind of sucks because normally art makes me happy. I just . . . don't have it in me right now. Hopefully that will change.

I have therapy this Thursday. I don't get to actually see Mike in person though - it'll be through Zoom. He had a medical procedure done that he hasn't quite healed from, so, Zoom. I'd much rather see him in person. Especially, again, since I'm worried about this being our last session. I worry about this with every session I have, but this time I'm especially worried. It's been 5 weeks since our last session and a lot of stuff has happened. I've been emotionally fragile because of all of this and I'm not sure I can handle this being our last session (the emotionally fragile thing sucks - I tear up at random things, almost crying over a commercial or something). I guess we'll see.

First though, I have to get through tomorrow. Tomorrow I work and it's going to be stupid busy. Three scheduled c-sections before 11am. And 5 or more inductions. My backup is Amy and God love her she is so slow. And there is no one else scheduled tomorrow who can do nursery. I'm worried she may call in sick and it will be just me. Like, losing sleep over it, worried. I feel so burned out at work I don't want to go anymore. I honestly considered using an FMLA day tomorrow until I saw that there was no one else who can do nursery. I can't leave someone hanging like that - I'd feel too guilty. I know how shitty it is to be nursery without any backup. It sucks. So I'm praying that Amy doesn't call in sick. I'm trying to plan out our morning in my head so that I'm prepared and don't start the day off in a bad mood. This is so stupid. I shouldn't have to do this. 

I guess that's enough bitching for today. I'm praying that tomorrow goes smoothly, that Thursday isn't my last session with Mike, and that I get my butt in gear and in shape.  

Thursday 12/1/22 Therapy

 It's already December and I'm not sure how I feel about that. 

I had therapy today. I thought it was going to be my last session with Mike and I was trying to prepare myself for such. Turns out he hasn't sold his house yet and is continuing to do therapy until he does so. So I see him again the beginning of January. To which I am grateful. I'm going to miss him so much when he retires and moves (to Pennsylvania). 

Anyway, it was a banger session. Talk centered around my mom and my childhood and my innate introvertedness. See, I'm shy. I'm an introvert. We were discussing if this is more "genetic" or environmental (most likely mostly environmental related to growing up in an alcoholic household). I don't necessarily want to be introverted. It would be nice to be able to talk with people freely, smoothly, without having to force it. I'm envious of people who can do that. So we talked at length about it and now I have homework (I don't like homework). Mike wants me to have a conversation with a coworker I don't know very well. So I can practice. Push me out of my comfort zone. I agreed to work on it. Working on it is the best I can do. 

I've been a mixed bag of emotions today. Mostly I've felt down and emotionally fragile. Volunteering was good and I felt better whilst doing it, even having a good conversation with one of the other volunteers (see, Mike? I can do it!). But I woke up feeling uneasy, anxious even. I know this is because I thought today was my last session with Mike. I even had a dream about it where Mike introduced me to my new therapist that would be replacing him. I didn't like it. Mike sensed my anxiety when I sat down. It got better throughout the session, and I'm not anxious now, but I still feel fragile - like I could cry at any moment, for any reason. Maybe I need to cry. I kind of feel as though I do. But I'm restraining myself. I don't know why. Maybe part of me is worried that if I do cry it'll lead to instability of mood. I have no idea really. I'm grasping at straws here. 

We were supposed to go out to dinner with my mom tonight. She called me around 11:30, drunk and sobbing because she had a headache and canceled dinner. I'm not going to lie - I was both relieved and angry about this. See, she has been hounding me via call, text, and email for several weeks wanting to go out for dinner. Finally settled on a day and time and restaurant and she cancels. Drunkinly cancels. I'll be honest - I didn't want to see her tonight. I don't want to see her ANY time, really. But bugging me constantly about going out and then canceling last minute just doesn't sit right with me. And, truth be told, if she had called me when she was sober to cancel, I wouldn't be angry. But she wasn't sober. She was drunk. She's always fucking drunk. It's another letdown in my life of being let down by her. It's frustrating. And there's nothing I can do about it. I'm trying not to let it mar my day. Talked about it in therapy, writing about it now, and then I'm going to forget it and move on. Look on the bright side - now I don't have to deal with her drunk self in person. 

I feel like I should leave you with a picture of a fox I painted. Why not?