Tuesday 5/13/25 Been a bit again

 It's been 2 months since I last wrote. Surprisingly, not much has happened in the last 2 months. 

My son got a job, and sometimes he wears makeup to work. It's getting less weird to see him in makeup. We're still using male pronouns for now though I think this will change in the near future. I think that when we get back from vacation he's going to see a doctor and start hormone therapy. And I think when we start seeing changes in him that it will be a little more difficult to deal with. Because right now everything is status quo except for the occasional makeup wearing. It's easy to forget that he's transgender. But with hormone therapy that will change. And I see myself struggling with this a little more (as well as my hubby). But, time will tell.

We leave next week for Japan, the day after son graduates. That's another weird thing - he's graduating high school. It's crazy. He's a literal adult now. And I'm proud of him. He's such a good kid. We'll have his graduation party when we get back from Japan (I'm hoping people actually come - most of family lives out of town). 

So yeah. Big trip, second time to Japan. It'll be so nice to get away and not worry about work or normal day to day things. We have a lot planned, including a trip to Mount Fuji (which we didn't get to see last time). Go karts in the streets of Osaka, the World Fair, a sumo dinner experience . . . it'll be fun. And probably exhausting. But that's okay. 

I don't really have much else to report on right now. Maybe, when we get back, I can figure out how to post photos on here since as of right now that function isn't working. We'll see.  

Tuesday 6/13/23 Back from Japan

 It's been almost a month since I last wrote. Wow. Time flies . . .

The big news is that we're back from Japan. We got in late Saturday night (just before midnight). We had almost 24 hours of travel time with flights and layovers. We were exhausted and went straight to bed (and were exhausted enough to actually get a little bit of sleep - something I've lacked the past 2 nights). Sunday morning before we left to pick Moya (our dog) up from the pet sitter's we discovered that our pipes had backed up downstairs (both in the bathroom and utility room). Joy. Poop water everywhere. So whilst driving to get Moya we had to find an emergency plumber to come out to the house (which one did and a quick snaking of our pipes fixed the problem - apparently not flushing your toilets for over 2 weeks can cause this). Sunday was a long day. We had to grocery shop as we had no food in the house, which took way longer than it should have. Mainly because we spent almost 2 hours at Costco trying out and then purchasing a fancy massage chair (man I wish we had the chair already - 4-6 weeks). It was just a long day with jet lag. 

Yesterday we ran errands and otherwise did not really relax. Sunday night into Monday I got maybe 3 hours of sleep and last night I got around 2 hours. My body is still on Japan time and I couldn't fall asleep last night. And I got up 5 times in 3 hours to pee. I don't know what the hell my body is thinking. It's confused as hell. I go back to work tomorrow but I don't know how I'm going to function if I don't get any sleep. 

Anyway. The trip. It was amazing. Beautiful. Inspiring. Exhausting. We saw so many things and  did so much stuff. We were constantly go, go, go. Soooooo much walking. So much food! I wasn't as adventurous in my food experimentation as Jeremy was - he tried everything. Including a whole octopus and sea urchin. (Gross) I'd have to say my favorite food was okonomiyaki. It's a Japanese type pancake made with cabbage, eggs, protein of your choice (I had chicken), and covered in mayonnaise and Worcestershire sauce that has been thickened. Soooo freaking good. Takoyaki was tasty as well (fried octopus balls). We tried so many different things and ate what we wanted when we wanted. Surprisingly I didn't gain any weight (I ended up losing a pound - thanks walking!). 

We started in Tokyo, then spent 2 days in Osaka, 5 in Kyoto, and then back to Tokyo. While in Kyoto we took day trips to both Nara and Hiroshima. I have to say, Nara was my favorite. Why? Deer. Deer everywhere. Tame-ish deer whom you could feed. And they would bow for crackers. And they were so gentle taking the crackers from you. I love them! Kyoto was mostly temples and shrines, the bamboo forest, and a traditional tea ceremony which was very cool (I even got supplies to make my own traditional matcha tea). In Osaka we were mainly in the Dotonbori area which is food, food, and more food. Tokyo we were everywhere. Went to Team Labs which is an interactive, digital art experience. It's similar to MeowWolf but more relaxed and calming, less stimulating. We used public transport a LOT. Mostly trains and subways in Tokyo and other cities, taxis in Kyoto. And, well, lots of walking. It was very tiring and very awesome. 

I need to upload photos onto the computer and then I can post some here. It's going to be difficult to pick which ones to post (I took SO MANY pictures), but I'll try and post some from each place we went. Eventually I'll get to it. Right now I'm too tired to really think straight.

 

Thursday 5/4/23 Another 2 Weeks

 Well, another 2 weeks has gone by and I have nothing spectacular to report. I guess the big news is that I'm still stable, still doing well, and feeling "normal" (whatever that is). Which is wonderful, really. I had therapy 2 weeks ago and I don't see Becky again until after our trip to Japan. And I don't feel like I need to see her before that. Which is an amazing feeling. It's so weird to be stable again, but here I am. I'll just roll with it.

Speaking of the Japan trip . . . we leave on May 25th. Three weeks. OMG. It's come up so quickly! It's always felt so far off in the future and now it's just around the corner. We're only bringing carry on bags plus a personal bag each (we plan on doing laundry while there), so the other day I practice packed my suitcase to see what all I could fit in there - I want to be prepared! I could fit a whole lot more than I thought I was going to be able to fit in there. So that's awesome. I'm nervous about jet lag and how that's going to affect my mood. And I need to talk to Dr. M about when I should take my meds (I normally take them before bed, but with the 15ish hour time change I don't know if I should keep taking them on the same schedule which would mean taking them around lunch time, or if I should still take them before bed - I don't know!!). My mood is what worries me most (besides Moya, but I know she'll be in good hands). I guess we'll see how it goes and try to roll with it. 

That's really about it. Work has been work - but not bad - just work. Yeah. Can't really think of anything else. 

Okay bye. 

Friday 12/9/22 Stuff and things

 Well, it's Friday. Nothing special about it.

I've managed to get two good workouts in this week, plus walking yesterday volunteering. It's a start. I downloaded a workout app that I "committed" to using at least twice a week. It has hundreds (if not thousands) of different workouts to choose from - Tuesday and today I did total body workouts (today was more of a HIIT workout, Tuesday was more strength focused). I was sore after Tuesday, and my legs are jello today. I'm hoping I can continue to be consistent and work out regularly. I really need to get in shape in general, but especially in time for our Japan trip - we're going to be walking a LOT the two weeks we're there! I don't want to be struggling to get around or totally exhausted. I've got a little over 5 months to get in shape. I can do it!

I did my first craft fair last weekend (the 3rd and 4th). I sold more than I thought I was going to sell, so that's good. I had kind of a crappy location - tucked in a corner of Doherty's small gym (which lots of people don't even know exists). They didn't have good signage for the small gym either. But I made around $600 so that's cool. I presigned up for next year with a request of being in the main gym or cafeteria - so I can get more exposure. All in all it was a good experience, although tiring. Lots of peopling (which I'm not very good at, being an introvert). We're going to professionally scan some of my personal artwork and make prints of them for next time. And, I guess, for my Etsy shop too. I don't know how much that's going to cost or which paintings to do or if people will like them . . . ugh.

Mood wise I've been holding pretty steady. I have times where I'm meh, or irritable, or down, but it usually doesn't last long. So that's good. Stable is good. I keep waiting for the depression to come back but it hasn't yet. It's been over a month since my last ketamine treatment, fingers crossed I can go 3 months or longer. 

That's about it. I'm pretty boring right now. 

Tuesday 10/11/22 Ketamine Infusions

 Today I had my second ketamine infusion (my first one was last Thursday). I have my 3rd this Friday. The infusions are . . . interesting. It's very difficult to describe what they're like because they're ever changing and fluid and just . . . I don't know.

So they start by starting an IV and getting an initial set of vital signs. The ketamine is mixed with 60ml of saline and is infused over 40 minutes. My first dose was 35mg, my second was 40mg. The ketamine dose is weight based and isn't enough to put you to sleep. It's just enough to give you a controlled high. And that's basically what it is - a controlled high. Or trip, if you prefer. I sit in a comfortable recliner, sleep mask on, ear buds in. The music is meditation music, very soft and lulling. The nurse leaves a pulse ox on one finger and a blood pressure cuff on so they can monitor vitals during the infusion. The room is a comfortable temperature and the lights are dimmed (though I can't tell that because I have a sleep mask on). The infusion starts.

At first I feel warmth flow throughout my body and an almost sinking feeling, like I'm becoming one with the chair. Then floating. Drifting along either in water or air, I'm not sure, but definitely floating. Despite having my eyes closed and a sleep mask on I see colors. Mostly greens, blues, and purples, forming undulating waves that change into geometric patterns and then back to waves. It's very calming and relaxing. I can feel my pulse throughout my body but it is not bothersome - rather, it's comforting. The soft music seems to be coming from everywhere, from within me - not from my headphones. There is no sense of time. Thoughts come and go, seemingly random, but sometimes purposeful. However, I cannot grasp onto them. They flow through me, in front of me, behind me, with the colors and shapes. I feel warm and heavy and somehow outside of my body, but still attached to it. Occasionally, I can feel the blood pressure cuff squeeze my arm, a reminder that I'm grounded. If I feel like I'm floating too high I merely move my fingers and feel the chair and I know that I'm safe and comfortable. This continues on for some time before I start to feel sensations: the chair beneath me, my position, my shoes, my fingers. The colors dissipate and I'm more aware of my surroundings. I feel the blood pressure cuff and pulse ox being removed. I sit for a few minutes before removing my eye mask and ear buds. I feel calm, a little tipsy perhaps. But calm and comfortable and relaxed. The doctor and nurse come in and check on me and it's time to go. Hubby is there to drive me home. The tipsiness wears off quickly, before I'm even down to the car. 

That's the gist of how it feels. Last Thursday was more floating, today was more of almost being enveloped by marshmallows. Cushiony soft surrounding me, pressing in on me. I felt more today than last Thursday, presumably because of the increased dose. The downfall today was that even though I went to the bathroom right before the infusion started, as I was coming to I realized I had to pee. Like, bad. I had to call out for the nurse and she helped me to the bathroom as I was still a bit unsteady on my feet. Luckily it didn't happen while the infusion was still going. But it was annoying nonetheless (damn bladder). 

After my first infusion, I noticed at work the next day I was less overwhelmed. I was able to joke a little bit and actually genuinely smile. It was a breath of fresh air. It gives me hope that these infusions will help with the depression. 

I have therapy on Thursday, most likely my last session with Mike. And that will be difficult. Then an infusion on Friday, and 2 next week. This week and next week feel impossibly long. This week because I'm off every day until Saturday, next week because I have something every day - I work Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and have infusions Tuesday and Thursday. When I'm home I don't know what to do with myself and when I'm at work I don't know how I'll make it through the day. So yeah, a long 2 weeks. But I'll make it through. I always do.