Thursday 5/4/23 Another 2 Weeks

 Well, another 2 weeks has gone by and I have nothing spectacular to report. I guess the big news is that I'm still stable, still doing well, and feeling "normal" (whatever that is). Which is wonderful, really. I had therapy 2 weeks ago and I don't see Becky again until after our trip to Japan. And I don't feel like I need to see her before that. Which is an amazing feeling. It's so weird to be stable again, but here I am. I'll just roll with it.

Speaking of the Japan trip . . . we leave on May 25th. Three weeks. OMG. It's come up so quickly! It's always felt so far off in the future and now it's just around the corner. We're only bringing carry on bags plus a personal bag each (we plan on doing laundry while there), so the other day I practice packed my suitcase to see what all I could fit in there - I want to be prepared! I could fit a whole lot more than I thought I was going to be able to fit in there. So that's awesome. I'm nervous about jet lag and how that's going to affect my mood. And I need to talk to Dr. M about when I should take my meds (I normally take them before bed, but with the 15ish hour time change I don't know if I should keep taking them on the same schedule which would mean taking them around lunch time, or if I should still take them before bed - I don't know!!). My mood is what worries me most (besides Moya, but I know she'll be in good hands). I guess we'll see how it goes and try to roll with it. 

That's really about it. Work has been work - but not bad - just work. Yeah. Can't really think of anything else. 

Okay bye. 

Friday 9/30/22 Therapy and Ketamine

 It's been a rough week. I've only worked like 1 day in the past 10 and it was difficult. Like, really difficult. I work tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm struggling you see. Every. Single. Day. I'm struggling. With depression, anger, and now anxiety (we just had to throw that into the mix too. I mean, why not?). I've been trying to stay busy, trying to do things . . . but it's just not working out for me. I go downstairs to paint and end up staring off into space because I can't seem to start. Or I start - like today - and get so anxious I can barely hold a paint brush. Or I just stare at my paper and cry. I don't dare try to sew because that sends my anger skyrocketing. And who needs that?

I had therapy yesterday and I also talked with the ketamine clinic. I have my first ketamine infusion next Thursday. I'm praying that this helps because it's all I have left. There's no more meds for me to try. I saw Dr. Marciniak this past Tuesday and he had me get a light box to try, even though my depression isn't seasonal. Because there's nothing else left. He did take me off of the Caplyta and started me back on Vraylar. Med wise I'm back at square one. 

So I got the light box and used it today. It's freaking bright. I'm trying to do self care crap but it's tiring and I don't see a point to it. I don't see a point to anything. But I'm trying. I'm trying everything. It's just that nothing is helping. And this anxiety man . . . it needs to go. I haven't had anxiety like this for years. 

So yeah. This is stupid.

Thursday 9/22/22 Anger

 I have been getting more and more angry with every passing day. Everything makes me mad. Even stupid little things that have no meaning . . . pissed off. I shouldn't be driving because of my rage - it's bad. If no one's in the truck with me I scream and cuss and cry. If someone is in the truck with me I'm able to bottle it up but then I lose it when I get home. This is becoming unbearable. Seriously. Everything is so overwhelming right now. Even simple tasks are hard for me to do. Like filling out my passport application. Apparently that's too much for me. I had to set it aside and walk away because I couldn't handle it. Even typing this out - I misspell something and I can feel the rage surging in me. Over a fucking TYPO!!! I can't even with myself. 

And this has been getting worse over the past week and a half. Every day worse. My depression is getting worse every day. I'm not really functioning. Everything is so hard. I don't know how I'm going to go to work on Saturday. I barely made it through Tuesday. I had to hide a lot. I feel so fucking bad. I cry at everything. I can't cope with anything. And I don't know what to do or how to handle this. The depression and anger is consuming me. 

I see Dr. Marciniak next Tuesday and Mike again next Thursday. Something has to change. I can't keep doing this. I can't handle this. I can't. As far as med changes go . . . there's not really anything we can do. The Caplyta is my 24th different medication. There's nothing left. Nothing to fall back on. I'm just . . . stuck. I'm going to call today to set up a consultation with a ketamine infusion clinic. Because I can't do this anymore. 

In other news, I still have no appetite. None. I don't care if I eat or not. I've lost 7 pounds in the past 2 weeks. Because I just. Don't. Care. I can eat something or I can starve. I don't care. Nothing sounds good. I've been living on toast. Literally. Because nothing sounds good and I truly don't care. I'm at the point where I want to throw in the towel. I want to give up. That would be easier. But I can't. I have to keep going for Jer and Ayden. Even though I don't want to, I keep pushing forward. And it sucks. I'm so tired. Probably going to go on intermittent FMLA. Because how the fuck am I supposed to work like this?

So. That's where I'm at. Hating life. Hating everything.  

Friday 9/2/22 Saw My Psychiatrist

 So I saw my psychiatrist this past Monday to talk about Lexapro's horrible failure at helping my depression. All the Lexapro did was increase my appetite so that over the 6 weeks I was on it I gained 10 pounds. Which just adds to the depression. Hooray. We agreed to stop it. And I talked to him about trying ketamine infusions. Which, to my surprise, he's for me trying it. With a catch. I guess. Kind of. He wanted me to wean off of Vraylar and start a new medication that's only been available for a short period of time - Caplyta. No one I know has heard of this medication. Of course not - it's brand new. So, he gave me enough samples of Caplyta to last me a month and I see him again in 4 weeks to see how I'm doing. 

I've taken the Caplyta 4 nights now and boy howdy am I groggy in the morning. I read through the information packet that came with the med and yeah. Sedation is the #1 side effect for it. And even though I'm taking it at night, the grogginess hits me in the morning and lasts several hours. I'm hoping this side effect will lessen with time. *Fingers crossed*

In other news, my depression is becoming more and more obvious. At work I try really hard to engage with others but I'm so withdrawn and flat. I'd rather be alone. I'm overall feeling more depressed as well, which sucks. Yesterday was particularly bad. So bad that I didn't volunteer (I was depressed, groggy, and felt like I was getting a cold). I remained depressed all day. I'm trying everything I can but nothing is helping. Hopefully this Caplyta will help. If not, hopefully ketamine will help. The sucky thing about ketamine is it's not covered by insurance, it's expensive (around $300 per treatment), and I have to have a ride home after each treatment. I don't know how that's going to work. Especially finding a ride. Because I don't want to rely on my mom for that. No, thank you. 

Anyway, that's about all that's been going on since last week. Now I want a nap.

Tuesday 7/19/22 Trying Something Different

 Hey there. So, I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and we're going to try something different. He's weaning me off of my Pristiq, and slowly adding Lexapro. The weaning of Pristiq will take 3 weeks, to try and minimize withdrawal symptoms. During those 3 weeks I'll slowly increase my Lexapro dose until I'm at 20mg. Now, I've been on Lexapro before, but it's been about 14 years. So maybe it will work for me. Dr. Marciniak doesn't think the Pristiq is working anymore as I've been on it for 5 years now. We'll see. I start the titration tonight. I'm a little nervous because when I skipped a dose of Pristiq I had horrible withdrawal symptoms. Of course, I won't be skipping any doses, just slowly weaning myself off of it. But I'm still nervous. Fingers crossed this works.

I'm still feeling mostly down, with a little blah thrown in for good measure. Which is annoying. I still have no motivation for anything, though I managed to get a couple of paintings done today. Go me. I also have plans to work out, but I'm not getting my hopes up for that. I really just want to go lie down. And, knowing me, I probably will. 

I'm hoping to hear from Mike this week, so we can set up a therapy appointment, but I doubt I will. Maybe next week? I don't know. I'd just really like to be seen. I'm struggling. I'm doing stuff on my own, but I'm struggling. I joined a mailing list called "Esteem". Answered a loooong questionnaire about my views of myself, my self esteem, etc. It's run by psychologists and is supposed to help me gain confidence in myself, boost myself esteem, and help me change my negative narrative about myself. I get emails every 2 days with info in them and a task to complete. I'm hoping it will help. I'm also still doing ACOA work on my own. Which is hard. I'd love to have Mike's help with that. But instead I'm just floating along, trying to figure shit out on my own. 

Anyway, there's not really anything new. I'm tired, I'm depressed, I'm switching meds. That's about it. 

Thursday 2/24/22 Another Heavy Sigh Day

Two posts close together. Weird. 

On Monday (my last post), I didn't really feel like writing. But I did. At least a little bit. Today I feel like writing . . . but I don't know how much. 

I had therapy this morning and I don't really know what to say anymore there. I feel like I'm beating a dead horse. I'm bipolar, I have depression, this is what I feel like, these are the things I'm doing to combat it, blah, blah, blah. Over and over again. I feel as though I'm boring Mike - which is a stupid way to feel - but I can't help it. In the 8-9 years I've been seeing Mike we've gone over all of my trauma ad nauseum. There isn't anything new to discuss. No reason I should be feeling the way I do except that I'm bipolar. And in a depressive episode. Which, honestly, is frustrating. Because yeah - I feel like I'm boring and whiney and undeserving. I feel like I shouldn't be in therapy, like I should be able to figure this out on my own by now. 

But I can't.

And as much as I let on that there is hope . . . I feel kind of lost and hopeless. Because this keeps going on. I keep having episodes. And I will keep having episodes for as long as I live. And that's a very daunting future. Even though I had a year of "normalcy" it's like I can't remember what it was like. The depression is so consuming, even though it's not nearly as bad as it was in the past. I'm still struggling. Every. Single. Day. I'm struggling. Quietly. Undetectable to most people, I'm struggling. 

See, my depression isn't the obvious sobbing, suicidal crisis. I'm not having breakdowns every day. This episode is insidious and quiet and unrelenting. No, I'm not sobbing over everything. In fact, I can't cry. It doesn't matter what happens, I can't cry. There's nothing there. This episode has left me an empty husk. An unfeeling thing with such limited emotions it's as if I feel nothing. I'm dead inside. Hollow. There's nothing left. I'm just going about the motions of life, doing what needs to be done, doing the bare minimum because I have no drive, no motivation, no life inside of me. This is a horrible way to feel, to feel nothing. And I'm lost as to what to do. 

Mike thinks my medications are to blame. Maybe they are. They're keeping the mania at bay - and probably the worst of my depression - but I'm left numb. I'm left unfeeling. And, I guess, I should clarify: I can feel anger. Anger, resentment, annoyance, irritability. I can feel those emotions. But joy? Happiness? Contentment? Sorrow, even? No. Those emotions are out of my grasp. 

I describe it as feeling "blah" or "meh". I'm just existing. I don't get excited for anything. I'm getting a new tattoo next Tuesday and I'm all, "yep. Whatever." Like I don't even care. Which, I guess, I really don't. Being so empty it's hard to care. About anything. All I want to do is sleep. Sleep and not wake up until I feel better. So I nap. A lot. Because then I don't have to deal with not feeling. 

I'm doing everything I know to do to beat this. Exercising, eating healthy, painting, therapy, my meds, supplements, praying, singing along to music, putting on a happy face . . . you name it, I'm probably doing it. I don't know what else to do. What the fuck am I supposed to do??? I'm so tired of this, tired of fighting a war I can't win. 

I guess I'll call my psychiatrist. Talk to him about adjusting my meds. I don't know what else to do. 

Tuesday 4/13/21

 Another week has gone by. I haven't really done much this past week. I've been a little lazy, actually. I deserve it though, don't I? I think so. I worked hard last week (it was crazy busy) and now I'm in a 5-day stretch off. It's wonderful. I needed it. What I really need is a vacation. Even just a mini vacation. Like a weekend getaway. Spend the night in Estes Park or something. Something simple where I don't have to worry about work or home stuff. Yes. That's the ticket!

So yesterday I did something I've been dreading - I cleaned out my closet. Which meant trying on tons of clothes. I'm quite surprised at how much doesn't fit me anymore. I've gained so much weight over the past several years (let's be honest - it's 85 pounds I've gained). Which is disgusting to me. A lot of the weight has to do with the medications I'm on. All three of them cause slowed metabolism and increased hunger. Yay. Go meds. Couple that with the depression I had been dealing with and an overall lack of movement . . . well, it's a recipe for disaster. So there was a lot of trying on clothes that don't fit anymore, and a lot of looking at myself in the mirror, and I was quite taken aback with how damn fat I really am. Most of the time I float through the world feeling pretty okay with myself but then I'll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or see a picture of myself (like the ones hubby took of my baptism), and I think oh my goodness how did I end up like this??? It's really disheartening. But yesterday, as I went through my clothes, I think it finally clicked. I need to try and lose the weight. I need to really try - not just say I'm going to and then be lazy and do nothing (which is what I have been doing). If for no other reason than to be healthy. For myself. For my family. If I don't put my foot down I'll just continue to get worse and I can't let that happen. 

What am I doing about it? Well, do you remember me writing about going paleo? I've been on a modified paleo diet for about 5 weeks and I've lost 10 pounds. Go me. I want to lose at least another 40. I've got my work cut out for me. So I'm going to be getting my butt to the gym. I'm going to actually go. And work out. I'm going to be getting my butt back on my spin bike. And I joined a program called Reset. Which helps you "reprogram" your mindset, gives you recipes, helps you make proper food decisions, helps you eat healthier. You eat healthier 5 days a week and then calorie count 2 days a week, so you don't feel deprived by calorie counting all the time. Maybe it's the extra little push I need. I signed up for a 12 week program. Hopefully the weight will keep coming off. 

In other news, I met some people at church! Sunday there was a pizza lunch at the church and we went and I met some lovely ladies. Joanne, and two others whose names escape me because my super power is forgetting people's names right after they tell them to me. It was nice to talk to some people, people I don't know, who welcomed me as if I were family. I felt less out of place (but still awkward because let's face it - I'm awkward). I had a good time there. Hopefully there will be more family functions we can go to so I can continue meeting people and maybe even make a few friends. 

And I've been drawing and painting birds. Yay birds! I had a custom order for some birds, but I've done more too. My creative juices are starting to flow. Kind of. Anyway, here are the custom birds I painted: a cardinal, a blue jay, and a pileated woodpecker.

I love how they turned out and so does the commissioner. Again, yay birds!

Anyhoo, that's all for this week. 

Thursday 12/3/20 Doc appt and a Christmas Fox

 Let's just get down to it.

I had an appointment yesterday with a urologist for urodynamic testing because I'm having trouble peeing (probably TMI, you're welcome). So yeah, especially at night, sometimes it takes several minutes of sitting on the toilet before I can actually go. Which is freaking annoying, to say the least. So I saw a urologist and she recommended this test. Urodynamic testing, in case you don't know, consists of putting a catheter in the urethra and in the rectum (along with several electrodes) to measure muscle contractility and some other stuff (like strength of your stream, how much you pee after your bladder is filled, etc). Let me tell you, it's uncomfortable. 

So they insert the catheters and begin filling my bladder with water. They fill it until I feel like I can't absolutely hold it for any longer and have to pee. Then they have you pee around the catheter. Which is actually kind of difficult to do because 1. you're peeing around a catheter, 2. you're not peeing into an actual toilet, and 3. because I have trouble peeing. So I wasn't able to pee much and what I did go I had to force out. But, thankfully, the urologist was able to get the info she needed from the test. And what did we find out? My bladder muscle is weak and isn't contracting like it should, making it difficult for me to pee and to empty my bladder. Fantastic. And she had a theory as to why this is happening - my Wellbutrin. 

I was started on Wellbutrin last June or July and started having trouble peeing in August. Apparently, antidepressants can cause the bladder muscle to weaken and not contract. So I have four options: 1. try going off my Wellbutrin and see if this helps, 2. go on another medication that could help me pee (only works in about 50% of people), 3. straight cath myself instead of actually peeing (um, NO), or 4. have surgery to implant a stimulator that forces my bladder to contract so I can pee. I'm choosing to try going off my Wellbutrin and see if that helps. I see my psychiatrist on the 14th and I'll talk to him about it then. To be honest, I'm scared to death to go off the Wellbutrin because I've been doing so well and I don't want to backslide mood wise. But I also don't want to go on another medication - especially if it only works in 50% of people - and I certainly don't want to cath myself or have surgery. I probably couldn't even have the surgery if I wanted it because of covid. 

So yeah. I'm going to try going off of Wellbutrin, as scary as that is. And I'll pray that I don't backslide and that it actually helps with being able to pee. Ugh. My body and brain hate me. 

In other news, I painted a fox with a santa hat and people really liked it. Enough so that I painted 3 more of the same picture because people were wanting it and I don't have a print shop as of right now. 

The original painting is the one in the upper left. The other three are my copycats. Pretty darn good, yeah? So I need to find a print shop so that I can make prints of my popular paintings, and I need to start charging more for the originals. Because I can't keep doing this. It's just dumb. 

Oh yeah - and at work now it's mandatory for us to float to other units to help out. We've never had to float before and it's a little nerve wracking. I haven't done med/surg nursing in 13 years. As of right now we're only supposed to be "helping hands" - meaning we're not supposed to take an assignment. But that could all change depending on how high the covid numbers get. I'm not looking forward to this, but I'm also not letting it ruin my mood. It is what it is, even if it's scary.