Monday 7/31/23 Oy Vey

 I slept like crap last night. I think I was awake more than I was asleep. And it shows. I'm super fucking cranky today and have no motivation for anything. I managed to work out and shower. Go me. I have my mammogram at 12:45 so of course I don't want to do anything until I have to leave. I have time to do stuff - I just don't want to. I have enough time to do a painting or draw or clean something . . . but instead I'm sitting here on the couch bitching. I hate feeling this way.

Last week I saw the functional medicine practitioner and had a metric fuck-ton of bloodwork drawn. Like, it was a LOT of blood drawn. When they get the results (which can take 5-10 days), he'll contact me to set up an appointment to go over it all. I'm really hoping my blood work corroborates what I'm feeling. That I get answers and solutions. For now it's a waiting game. Which, today, annoys me. 

What also annoys me, since today seems to be a bitch fest, is my bladder. Well, my whole body, really. My body doesn't seem to want to utilize the water I give it for cellular functioning. No. Instead I almost immediately pee out everything I put in. I've had a bottle and a half of water this morning and I've peed 7 times. Seven times in the last 2 hours, mind you. And I have to go again. WTF body?? You need that water!! You're telling me I'm horribly thirsty but when I drink anything, out it comes! Seriously. What the hell. And this happens all the time. Every day. To the point where I don't want to drink anything because I'm sick of how often I have to pee. Makes me worry that I'm developing diabetes or kidney disease. Because frequent urination is a symptom of both.

In other news, my mood has been sinking a little. The past 2 weeks I've been down more than not. And, yes, that annoys me. What I should do is have a ketamine infusion before I get worse. But I don't want to do that. Why? The cost. I just spent nearly $500 for my bloodwork, I don't want to spend another $300 on myself for the infusion. Which my therapist thinks is stupid. That I should schedule an infusion every 2 months or so to keep me in tip top shape. Which, yes, preventative measures make sense, but I feel selfish and like a failure if I do this. Plus the financial burden. Yes, we can afford it. But I don't want to have to have it. Maybe it's stubborn pride. I don't know. It's just that we've spent so much money on my mental health and I hate that. I feel guilty because of it. Which, in turn, makes me feel shittier. If this was for Jeremy or Ayden I'd spend the money in a heart beat. But when it comes to myself . . . I can't bring myself to do it. Like I don't deserve it. 

Anyway. I guess that's enough bitching. Here. Here's a little snow fox I painted:

I like how it turned out. And that's good, especially with how I feel today.

Monday 7/24/23 Well, it's a Monday

 It's Monday. How . . . wonderful. I've been super cranky today for no real reason. I woke up this way. Cranky with no motivation. I forced myself to workout, go me. I have 4 drawings that I'm working on that need to be painted . . . that didn't get done today. Nope. I worked out, went to the store, listened to a podcast, had lunch, took a nap. And now I'm here, writing a bunch of BS while drinking matcha. Oy. 

I have a "consultation" on Wednesday. Basically a doctor's visit. Because I have almost every hypothyroid symptom one can have but my actual doctor keeps brushing me off because my thyroid levels are in the "normal" range. So I'm seeing a functional medicine doc to go over my history and symptoms and get their opinion. I'm tired of being cold. I'm tired of losing so much hair. I'm tired of dry skin and not being to lose weight no matter how little or how much I eat. I'm tired of feeling like I need a nap to get through the day (or tons of caffeine). So yeah. I have a consult on Wednesday. We'll se how that goes. It's an hour long and I have a ton of paperwork to fill out. But maybe they'll have answers for me. 

In other news, my mood has been slightly better overall? Maybe? On my days off I'm okay. Friday at work I was surprisingly okay (which was good because I had a VERY difficult patient who required tons of attention and "love"). Yesterday I was less okay, but not bad. I work tomorrow and I'm not really looking forward to it. Makes me realize I'm truly burnt out. I don't really enjoy my job most days and that sucks. 

Wow. I don't really have more I want to write. Mainly because I'm in such a negative headspace right now. So instead I'll share some paintings from my Growth series. 

 First up is Red Fox. With an aspen tree -  2 of my favorite things.

Next we have Fawn.

And last, Mountain Bluebird. 

These are the first 3 paintings in the series. I have 2 more sketched out (that I should have painted today, but didn't). I'm not really sure where I'm going with this series but I have a tiny bit of inspiration so I'm running with it. 

Thursday 2/2/23 When the Feels Are Too Much

 

This is how I feel sometimes. Like I need to scream it out. My feelings get overwhelming and need to be released. 

Not today though. Today I'm apathetic. Today I just don't give two shits about anything. Today I don't care. I don't like feeling like this, like I don't care. I'd rather feel my feelings, I think. Even when they can be overwhelming, at least I'm feeling. 

This past week has been rough at times. Not all the time; but at times. I did a painting, "Growth Through Grief" (here, I'll share it with you)

And I thought to myself how much Mike would appreciate this painting. And I started crying, because he'll never see it and that crushed me. And that's the thing. That's how grief is. You can be doing fine and then BAM! It hits you out of nowhere and you're feeling it all over again. I've had moments this past week where I've been fine - a little down or meh, but otherwise fine. And I've had moments where I've not been fine. Where I've been close to tears or crying. And then I've had some moments like today where I feel nothing. Where I'm completely apathetic. I'm getting the whole gamut I guess.

I'm seeing my new therapist next Thursday. I had emailed her, asking for times a month out, and all I got was next Thursday at 10am. Maybe she just wants to see me, make sure I'm okay since losing Mike was hard and all. I don't know. I guess I'll find out. She seemed nice when I met her last week and I'm going to do my best to keep an open mind. Because, as Jeremy says, no one will ever be Mike. But maybe this will be good for me. A fresh set of eyes. Time will tell. 

I've come to realize that I'm utterly burnt out from work. Work has been . . . work. I've not been enjoying myself and every day I work I don't want to go. I almost dread it. I know a lot of people are burnt out. Last month was slower and this month will probably be slower, which means we work even harder because our grid sucks. We get more patients and have to do the CNA work on top of it (oh, and phlebotomy too, because God forbid the hospital keep phlebotomists on hand). And it's not better anywhere else, so leaving would be pointless (not to mention signing the 2 year contract for a bonus). I don't know how to make things better. I don't know how to make me better. I'm hoping that going to Japan - a nice long vacation - will help. But I don't know if it will. Maybe I'm ready for a change. I don't know. The only other area I'm interested in is psych. And everyone thinks that's a bad idea for me to pursue. I'll just keep plugging along I guess, hoping things will get better. 

Tuesday 1/17/23 The Dichotomy of Me

 The dichotomy of me. It's the title of a painting I did today. I haven't been painting, well, hardly at all as of late. But today I did two paintings, both personal. 

The Dichotomy of Me:

It's a reflection on bipolar disorder, I guess. I tend to hang on the side of depression more than anything (my mania is well controlled with antipsychotics). I've been feeling rather low for the past month or so. Getting progressively worse as the days go by. So I decided to bite the bullet and make an appointment for a booster ketamine infusion. I have it next Wednesday morning. I was hoping to go longer before needing an infusion, but I guess three months is respectable. I'm trying not to let myself feel like a failure for needing a booster, which is where my mind naturally goes. I naturally tend toward the negative. I'm actively working to change this. It's hard. I have to constantly be aware of my thoughts and counter them. It takes quite a bit of energy, but I'm trying. 

There really isn't anything much else going on. I'm trying to work out consistently, it's going okay. I'm trying not to nap all the time, which is what I want to do, because then I don't have to deal with how I'm feeling. I'm trying to come up with ideas for art - that's slow going. And I'm trying to remain positive. All of these are difficult things. But I'm plugging along, as best as I can. 

The other painting I did today is "There Will Be Signs":

There are signs to my declining mental health, and I'm too stubborn or too proud to admit that they're there. Until to day. Because I made the appointment for an infusion. I'm finally admitting to myself that I probably need a little help getting back to where I want to be. I'll get there. Eventually.

Tuesday 11/8/22 Some Art

 I'm sitting here on the couch, not quite sure what to do with myself. I don't know how I want to fill my time today. Yesterday I painted quite a bit, uploaded a TON of paintings to my Etsy shop . . . today I'm just not feeling it. I'm not necessarily down, but I'm not great either. I'm meh. Blah. Indifferent. I don't like feeling like this. I'm as of yet undecided on whether I'll keep my ketamine booster appointment. I mean, I'm not depressed, just meh or down. I'm not sure that really qualifies me as needing the booster. I don't know. I'll give it another week and we'll see. 

Anyway, I've been painting quite a bit. Figured I'd share a few of them here.

This first one I titled "Anemone". Mostly just playing with color and shapes.

This second one is just swirls of color, kind of like what I would see during an infusion.

Cherry blossoms. I love cherry blossoms. 

Some daisies. 

This one is "Nautilus". Swirls of shapes and blues that I would see during an infusion.

This last one is "Sink". Some infusions I felt like I was floating. Others like I was sinking in sand or something. Always so much blue though. Blue was the predominant color I would see. Some purples and oranges and greens here and there, but mostly blues. 

There's quite a few more, plus all the dragon paintings (well, 4 dragon paintings). I've been busy. But I don't know if I want to paint today. We'll see. I don't know what I want to do today.
 

Tuesday 4/12/22 New Painting

 Figured I had better write today, as the rest of my week is jam packed. Like, no free time at all. I work Tomorrow, Friday, and Saturday, and then Thursday I'll be at the riding center (Norris Penrose) from 8:30am - 3:30pm. I have a long 4 days coming up. At least Thursday I'll be with horses. As I will be this evening. And was yesterday. 

I'd say my mood has been pretty blah since my last post. The exception being last Friday where I woke up pretty depressed (I was also pretty depressed last Wednesday and Thursday). But I had a training class at Norris Penrose and was playing with horses for 3 hours and it helped lift my spirits. Other than that I've been pretty blah. Which is better than depressed . . . but still not great. I don't want to be blah. I want to be more than that. I'm definitely lacking in the motivation department. Hardly doing anything but the bare minimum. Which I hate. But I can't seem to bring myself to do anything. Ugh.

So, Thursdays, when I'm able to, I'll be at Norris Penrose as a horse handler, working with kids and adults with mental health issues (mostly anxiety and depression, but some personality disorders as well). I'm looking forward to this. A lot. THIS is what I want to do, a lot more so than being a side walker, which is what I am out at Latigo. So I'm going to be trying to get every Thursday off, as well as Tuesdays. We'll see how that goes. 

Anyway, I did manage to paint today. A painting of a horse eye that I'm pretty proud of. It's titled, "Window to the Soul". 

It was nerve racking to paint! But I'm happy with the outcome. It's 5X7, watercolor. 

So yeah. That's all I've got for today. Two more weeks until I have therapy. 

Wednesday 2/9/22 How About Some Horses

 So I painted some horses. Five paintings. Two are alright; three are crap. I'm out of practice painting horses and it shows. Oh well, practice makes perfect right?

Here's one of the okay paintings:

It's not too bad, just also not great. I can do better. Maybe I was just having an off day on Monday. Well, I know I was having an off day, in more areas than just painting. Monday was a day of feeling like crap, hating myself, and being depressed. It was not fun. But what can you do? Press on, like always. So I painted - poorly - and carried on. 

I worked yesterday and it was set up to be a horrifically busy day delivering babies. But then, it wasn't. We only did 5 deliveries (and left 7 in labor for night shift - oops!). And my mood was mostly okay. Withdrawn, but okay. Which was a God send after how I was feeling on Monday. 

Today I'm very blah. Numb. Flat. Nothing. Existing. And I'm not digging it. I painted again today, just a couple of paintings. Other than that I've been kind of floating around, not really doing anything. I want to work out but I have no motivation. It would be so much easier to sleep. And that's pretty much my life. No motivation, let's just sleep. Feeling bad? Let's just sleep. Bored? Sleep. Hungry? Sleep. I don't want to be this way but I can't seem to change it. Now, I'm not always sleeping. No. Sometimes I'm staring off into space or scrolling social media. Because these things are easier than dealing with my feelings. Which often don't feel good. 

Ugh. This sucks y'all. 

Sunday 1/30/22 Back to Work

 I was back to work this past week, after being off for 11 days (thanks to covid and a well-placed vacation day). Yep. Back to the grind. My days back weren't bad days . . . just . . . days. They weren't insanely busy (thank God), and I worked with good people. But - to be honest - I just wasn't feeling it. I would have much rather been at home. Mood wise I was down, withdrawn, quiet, maybe even a little stand-offish. I tried not to let my depression get the best of me, but, truth is, it kinda did. I tried so hard to interact and joke and laugh but everything fell flat. I felt so empty and numb. A shell of who I'm supposed to be. And it sucked. I'm not sure people notice that I'm struggling. Which, I guess, is the goal of my pretending. But I wish someone would notice and be like, "hey, are you really okay?"

In other news, I've created a lot of art recently. All in all I think I'll have 18 paintings to show my therapist on Thursday. Eighteen. That's a lot of painting. Most are melancholy, a few aren't. He had suggested that I paint with color - most of them are monochromatic grey. What can I do though? It's how I'm feeling. Grey. Monochromatic. No color, no life. 

Here's a few of my latest paintings:

I included a couple of "color" paintings, and a couple of "not color" paintings. The monochromatic grey definitely outweigh the color ones though. It'll give us something to talk about in therapy, right? Right. 

I guess I'll leave it at that. Hopefully we all have a good week. 

Thursday 12/16/21 I Was Creative . . . Kind Of

 A second post this week. Weird. 

Yesterday I was a little creative. I was on my spin bike, listening to music, when I had an idea for a painting. So after I finished working out and showered, I actually painted something. This is a huge accomplishment since I haven't done anything creative in almost 2 months. And it felt good to paint again. Even if it was only something simple. 

Here's what I painted:

It's called "Dark Clouds". It's 5X7, watercolor and ink. It's kind of a personal piece. Dark clouds breed dark thoughts, and while my thoughts haven't been too dark, they are there, lurking. It was a quick painting and I like how it turned out. 

I also painted this yesterday:

Because depression lies. And for me - someone who's been depressed most of their life - there's a sense of familiarity and almost . . . comfort, in being depressed again. It's a sick sort of comfort, one that is all together unwell. But see, depression lies. Depression is lying to me, telling me that this is my natural state. This is untrue. My year and a half of stability are my natural state. But depression is there, whispering lies in my ear, trying to get me to give in. I truly am doing everything in my power to fight this depressive episode. But those lies are tempting at times. At times it seems easier to give in than fight. Fighting takes a lot of energy and I'm so very tired. 

But I will continue fighting. I'm strong and I'm stubborn and I will prevail. Even if it's eventually.  

Tuesday 10/19/21 Ummmm . . .

 Another week has gone by, nothing new is happening. I have a headache though. Woke up with it. It went away for a few hours, but it's back now. With a vengeance. Ugh. Stupid headache. 

So, last week I took care of a Spanish speaking patient. She knew a tiny bit of English, and, well, I know a tiny bit of Spanish. I only had to use the interpreter phone twice (when explaining medical stuff), the rest of the day we were able to communicate. But this experience has rekindled my desire to learn Spanish. Like, really learn it. No matter how hard it is or how long it takes. I tried to learn it about 2 years ago and had a hard time because my memory is shot from doing ECT for 3 years. I gave up. I hate that I gave up. I would be so much better off if I stuck with it. But noooooo, it was hard so I quit. I'm not going to do that this time. I'm going to learn. I still have my subscription to Babbel, which I used for the first time again yesterday. And all my learning Spanish books. And note cards I made. I'm going to do this!! 

I worked Sunday, primary nursery, and we had a sad situation. A gal came in for a labor check and there were no heart tones. She was a scheduled c-section the next day (Monday). And there were no heart tones. I assisted during her c-section to deliver a baby born sleeping. It was so very sad. I got weight and measurements, did hand prints and foot prints. This perfect baby boy who was called back by God too soon. My job is usually a happy one. But when it isn't, it isn't. I've prayed for this family every night. Maybe you could, too. 

In other news, I've been trying to stay productive with sewing and drawing/painting. For the most part I'm doing okay. I'm stock piling sock rats and little owls and soul suckers in hopes of doing a toy con with them. However, I don't think this year will be the year for me to do that. Maybe next year, when I have more time to prepare (the toy con I was going to do this year is in December and I feel overwhelmed). Anyway, here's a little fox I painted:

With his cute butterfly friend! I like him. And I thought I had him sold after I posted him on FB, but apparently some people think $20 for an original piece of artwork is too much. Whatever. I need to scan it and post it on Etsy. I'm going to be slowly raising my prices on original pieces as I plan to start offering prints of some of them. But yeah. People annoy me. 

Anyway, that's it for this week. 

Tuesday 5/25/21 I Need Ink

 Well it's Tuesday again, funny how that happens. 

So there's not much new in my world, I'm really rather boring. Hubby got a new car (at least new to us). This was Saturday. A 2013 Toyota Venza. It's silver, fully loaded, all wheel drive . . . a real nice ride. He's been wanting a Venza for years so this is pretty cool. It's super comfy, too. 

I've discovered that junk food doesn't agree with me any more. Since I've been eating healthier and mostly clean, my tummy does NOT tolerate junk (think fast food, refined sugar, fried foods . . . ). I get crampy and gassy and yes, diarrhea. So much fun! I mean, I guess it's good, right? No longer eating junk is good (and has helped me lose 18 pounds so far), and with getting the bubble guts I have a good deterrent to junk food. But MAN would I like a greasy Culver's burger and side of cheese curds! Even my beloved Chic fil a does me wrong now. Ugh. Oh well, healthy eating it is. I've been thinking of taking a food sensitivity test though, to see if there's something specific I'm reacting to (ya know, like gluten or dairy). We'll see. 

In other news, I'm jonesing for some new ink. On the top part of my right forearm. I just need to convince hubby that I need another tattoo. I've even designed it! I did 3 different paintings: two of a chickadee with cherry blossoms and one with a chickadee on a pine tree branch. The cherry blossoms are okay, but I love the one I painted today.

Chickadee on a pine tree branch! Some back story - I love chickadees. They remind me of my dad. Because growing up I would spend the weekends with him and I loved watching and listening to the chickadees up in the mountains. And pine trees remind me of the mountains too, for obvious reasons. And while I do love cherry blossoms, I just happen to like this painting the best out of all of them. So I do believe, with about 90% certainty, that this is my next tattoo. Now I just have to get hubby on board.

There's nothing much else going on. I had to call in sick to work on Saturday because of said bubble guts. Yesterday I helped deliver a 27 week old baby (40 weeks is term). She was super tiny - not quite 2 pounds! It was pretty awesome. My mood has still been holding steady, doing good. And our weather is finally feeling like spring but I'm still wearing my hoodie today because for some reason I'm FREEZING. I need to go sit out in the sun.

Tuesday 4/20/21

 Well, today is every pot head's favorite day *insert eye roll here*. I don't have any funny one liners about this so stop looking for one.

Every week when I sit down to blog I realize just how boring my life is. Like, really boring. There's nothing new or exciting going on, there's was nothing exciting over the weekend (I worked Saturday), and there's nothing really exciting coming up. Huh. Boring. Which is okay, I guess, it just doesn't make for an exciting blog post. 

I worked yesterday and it was busy, again, just like it always is. Lots of babies being born. I was nursery yesterday. The day wasn't too bad but then right before shift change it got hectic. I went to a delivery where the poor mom had been pushing for almost 7 hours (usually after 4 hours of pushing mom has a c-section). But this mom was adamant that she was going to deliver vaginally. So that equated to almost 7 hours of pushing and the use of a vacuum to help pull the baby out. Now, not only does 7 hours of pushing exhaust the mom, it exhausts the baby too. So this kiddo came out limp, blue, and not breathing - my kind of delivery! (I like resuscitating). It took a couple minutes to get baby to breathe on her own - she was pretty shell shocked. But we got her going. While we (the other transition nursery nurse and I) were working on the baby I heard the OB doctor say "code white activate". This is not a good thing. Mom's uterus was tired from all of the contracting and mom was starting to hemorrhage. Bad. Within a minute the room was full of nurses and techs, blood bank and lab, and another doctor. I'd like to say it was a smooth operation, but it wasn't. There were too many people. But, within minutes, mom had a second IV started, was getting a blood transfusion, and the doctors were able to get the bleeding (which was profuse) to stop. During all of this I stayed with the baby, trying to keep her out of the NICU, and talked to and comforted the father. The baby ultimately ended up going to the NICU - she needed more time to transition and needed a little bit of oxygen. Mom has a long recovery ahead of her, but her and baby were doing well despite everything that happened. I said a prayer for them during the scenario and again last night that they would recover well and quickly. 

This is what I do everyday at work. Help bring new life into this world and sometimes participate in scary situations. I love it. I LOVE IT! I can't imagine doing anything else. And I really AM weird in that I love doing resuscitations. Most people want to avoid that - I dive right in. So I guess there was some excitement this past week. 

Anyway, I'm still painting birds. Here's some more:

 A blue tit, blue bird, and chickadee! Painted just for fun. I sketched out some more today that I plan on painting tomorrow. I'm really on a bird kick right now. 

Tuesday 4/13/21

 Another week has gone by. I haven't really done much this past week. I've been a little lazy, actually. I deserve it though, don't I? I think so. I worked hard last week (it was crazy busy) and now I'm in a 5-day stretch off. It's wonderful. I needed it. What I really need is a vacation. Even just a mini vacation. Like a weekend getaway. Spend the night in Estes Park or something. Something simple where I don't have to worry about work or home stuff. Yes. That's the ticket!

So yesterday I did something I've been dreading - I cleaned out my closet. Which meant trying on tons of clothes. I'm quite surprised at how much doesn't fit me anymore. I've gained so much weight over the past several years (let's be honest - it's 85 pounds I've gained). Which is disgusting to me. A lot of the weight has to do with the medications I'm on. All three of them cause slowed metabolism and increased hunger. Yay. Go meds. Couple that with the depression I had been dealing with and an overall lack of movement . . . well, it's a recipe for disaster. So there was a lot of trying on clothes that don't fit anymore, and a lot of looking at myself in the mirror, and I was quite taken aback with how damn fat I really am. Most of the time I float through the world feeling pretty okay with myself but then I'll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or see a picture of myself (like the ones hubby took of my baptism), and I think oh my goodness how did I end up like this??? It's really disheartening. But yesterday, as I went through my clothes, I think it finally clicked. I need to try and lose the weight. I need to really try - not just say I'm going to and then be lazy and do nothing (which is what I have been doing). If for no other reason than to be healthy. For myself. For my family. If I don't put my foot down I'll just continue to get worse and I can't let that happen. 

What am I doing about it? Well, do you remember me writing about going paleo? I've been on a modified paleo diet for about 5 weeks and I've lost 10 pounds. Go me. I want to lose at least another 40. I've got my work cut out for me. So I'm going to be getting my butt to the gym. I'm going to actually go. And work out. I'm going to be getting my butt back on my spin bike. And I joined a program called Reset. Which helps you "reprogram" your mindset, gives you recipes, helps you make proper food decisions, helps you eat healthier. You eat healthier 5 days a week and then calorie count 2 days a week, so you don't feel deprived by calorie counting all the time. Maybe it's the extra little push I need. I signed up for a 12 week program. Hopefully the weight will keep coming off. 

In other news, I met some people at church! Sunday there was a pizza lunch at the church and we went and I met some lovely ladies. Joanne, and two others whose names escape me because my super power is forgetting people's names right after they tell them to me. It was nice to talk to some people, people I don't know, who welcomed me as if I were family. I felt less out of place (but still awkward because let's face it - I'm awkward). I had a good time there. Hopefully there will be more family functions we can go to so I can continue meeting people and maybe even make a few friends. 

And I've been drawing and painting birds. Yay birds! I had a custom order for some birds, but I've done more too. My creative juices are starting to flow. Kind of. Anyway, here are the custom birds I painted: a cardinal, a blue jay, and a pileated woodpecker.

I love how they turned out and so does the commissioner. Again, yay birds!

Anyhoo, that's all for this week. 

Tuesday 3/30/21 World Bipolar Day

 Today is World Bipolar Day. Exciting, I know. Most people don't know about it, never heard of it. There is no fan fare, no parties or parades. No, World Bipolar Day is a quiet day, but an important one. Why? Because there is so much misinformation and stigma surrounding bipolar disorder and today is a day to raise awareness of this often misunderstood disorder. 

I myself was diagnosed with bipolar disorder around 10 years ago, after having been misdiagnosed with depression for many, many years (I started with depression as early as grade school). It has been estimated that around 60% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder were misdiagnosed at first. This is alarming because a proper diagnosis is needed for effective treatment. 

There are several different types of bipolar disorder (bipolar 1, bipolar 2, cyclothymia, bipolar disorder not otherwise specified), with bipolar 1 and bipolar 2 being the most known about. I have been diagnosed with both bipolar 1 and bipolar 2, though I more closely fall into the category of bipolar 2 (I tend to deal mostly with depression and have short periods of hypomania, as opposed to the full mania seen with bipolar 1). Both types of bipolar disorder can disrupt life greatly. I'm living proof of this. It's taken me the 10 years since being diagnosed to become stable (and I've been pretty stable for almost a year now). I've been on 24 different medications and combos of meds, have done DBT, CBT, equine therapy, group therapy, support groups, ECT, TMS, acupuncture, diet changes, supplements, exercise . . . you name it, I've probably tried it.  My psychiatrist and therapist have been absolutely amazing and supportive of me, trying everything they could think of. My family and true friends have been amazingly supportive of me (I've lost several friends due to my illness). I couldn't have done this without them. 

In short, bipolar disorder sucks. But we need to raise awareness of it so people don't suffer in silence.

In other news, I finally got my butt drawing and painting again. At least a little bit. I've painted 4 birds recently. Yay birds!! Here's 3 of them:

A great tit, dark eyed junco, and robin. I love how they turned out. I want to paint more birds! And so I shall. At some point. Probably not today though. Or the next two days, as I work. 

Also I should mention that I'm being baptized this Saturday, the 3rd. I'm excited and nervous. It'll be done during the Easter vigil mass. A mass that runs from 9pm - 12am. Ugh. So late! I usually go to bed at 9! I finally have my clothes picked out: a black skirt with black top before my baptism and a light grey skirt with white top for after. I'll also be confirmed and receive first communion at this mass. Everything at once! So that's cool. 

Anyway, nothing much else is going on. Work is busy, like always. Moya is a poop face, like always. Oh, and I've lost 8lbs so far just by eating mildly paleo. Go me! 

 

Tuesday 2/23/21 Still Tired

Hi there. I'm still tired. Exhausted would be a more appropriate term, I think. And cold. My hands and feet are freezing, I'm in my hoodie, despite it being 62 degrees out (it's a gorgeous day). My hair seems to be thinning and I'm experiencing BO like I'm a teenager going through puberty again. WTF, body?? Seriously, it's ridiculous. Not to mention the muscle soreness and joint pain (thankfully mild). 

I have an appointment with my doctor this Friday. I'm sure I'll have lots of lab work drawn. I want to have lots of lab work drawn. I want to know what's going on. I have my suspicions. Sub-clinical hypothyroid is my top guess. Why subclinical? Well, I think my thyroid hormones will be within the normal range, but at the far end - not in the middle. I think this because my values always seem to be "normal" - I can't just have a clear cut answer. Which is annoying. But my symptoms match hypothyroidism. 

Though I have a feeling that my symptoms may be blamed on fibromyalgia. And who knows - maybe it really is fibromyalgia. But I think because of the muscle pain my doc might lean this way. And I could be totally off base. Who knows. 

There is a little worry in the back of my head though. A little worry that gets a little larger each day. Because I catch myself staring absently into space. Because I catch myself sighing heavily. Because I catch myself having more negative thoughts. 

Depression.

What if what I'm experiencing is depression trying to seep back into my life? I'm worried because I'm off of Welbutrin - I haven't taken it for a week now.  What if the Welbutrin was actually the reason I was feeling better and now that I'm off of it my depression is coming back. Slowly. Insidiously. What if . . .

The thing is, I don't feel depressed. I still feel happy. I still feel joyful. I don't have that emptiness in me that was all too consuming when I was depressed. But I still have that little worry. And I don't want it to be depression, obviously. And I don't want my doc to immediately jump to this conclusion because of my past. I want thorough testing done. I want all avenues checked before we make a diagnosis. I want this desperately not to be depression. 

I guess we'll see though. See what the doc says. And I'm not seeing my regular doc, btw. I'm seeing one of the PAs. Seeing my regular doc would have put my appointment time a month and a half away, instead of a week. Maybe fresh eyes will have a different perspective. 

I'm sick of feeling like this though. I want to be awake. I want to have energy. I don't want to be sore. I don't want to be cold or sweaty. Ugh. I want to feel how I did 3 months ago.

Anyway, I think I have my final version of my dove tattoo all painted out. It's a dove with cherry blossoms. And I'm really digging it.

Now I just gotta save up money . . . Sell some paintings and/or plushies. 

Tuesday 2/2/21 Bummer, man

 So I am quite bummed out right now. I was supposed to have my magpie tattoo finished today, but alas, it's been pushed back to next week. My tattoo artist said it wasn't quite healed enough for him to finish it today. And that if he tried, it could scar up. Well, I really don't want scarring to ruin my tattoo, so I guess I'm waiting another week. Next Wednesday. In the meantime he said to loofa the shit out of it and apply copious amounts of lotion (I've been doing lotion but not scrubbing it). So yeah, no finished tattoo for me. 

On the bright side, it's 60 degrees here in Colorado today! It's gorgeous out! It's making me long for Spring time, warmer weather, and sun. I may have to sit outside and read a bit. 

And on the darker side, I just got off the phone with my mom, who says she thinks she's going to die soon. Of heart failure. Because her chest hurts where her ribs were broken. One thing that you have to keep in mind is that my mom is an alcoholic. Has been one since before I was born. She denies it to this day, but it's obvious when she's been drinking. Anyway, I talked to her this morning and she was fine. Hadn't been drinking, we had a nice conversation for an hour. But then she calls me up, just a few minutes ago, crying and going on about how she thinks she's going to die and that she's going to get her will in order. Has she heard anything from a doctor? Has she even gone to a doctor? No. Her chest hurts where her  ribs were broken so logically she must be dying. You have to understand that when my mom has been drinking every little thing is the end of the world. The drama never stops. She's dying, she's going to leave her husband, and on and on. It's so frustrating to deal with. And because everything is the "worst pain" or "worst experience" of her life, I don't know what's real or what's the alcohol anymore. Everything is drama. Oy. I don't know what to do. Her alcoholism is the elephant in the room that no one dares talk about. I mean, her husband has to know, right? It's a Jeckle and Hyde type of transformation - I don't know how he couldn't know. Does he just deal with it? Is he truly oblivious? I've never asked him. And my mom would deny it anyway. She could be drinking vodka from the bottle and tell you she doesn't drink. And she believes it, that's the sad part. Denial is a strong and strange thing. 

Well, it was good to get that out. I'll chat with hubs about it when he gets home. I texted my brother about it as well. He said he talked to her earlier today and she seemed okay at first but then started getting all weird and feeling sorry for herself. I don't know. Let's move on.

Last week I shared the pigeon painting I did for a commission. I included this little gem for her too:

Because who doesn't love a fat little pigeon?! This little painting measures 4in X 4in. It's small. And cute. And I hope she likes it. 

Tuesday 1/26/21 Pigeons!

 Well hello there. Fancy meeting you here. 

So, I had a lady contact me through Etsy and ask if I would do a painting of pigeons for her (she had bought a pigeon painting I already had in my shop). She loved the painting she bought and wanted another one, but larger (the original was 5X7). I said yes. She told me about her pigeon themed room. It was kinda weird. But kinda cool. In a weird way. 

Here's the painting I did for her:

It's an 8X10, watercolors. She LOVED it. Here's the funny thing: I was going to charge her $30 for it. She refused to pay anything less than $50. She told me to edit my Etsy listing for it and charge her a "more appropriate price". Yeah. I was taken aback by that response. So I did, I charged her $50 for it. Both her and hubby told me I undersell my work. I'm my own worse critic I think. Well, I know this. I don't know what to charge for my paintings. I'm an unknown artist. I want to be fair. And I'm always worried that people don't like my work. And then today I got on my Deviant Art page and I had 96 notifications. All of them "likes" or comments on this painting. I was blown away. Seriously. People, apparently, like this painting. So maybe $50 is an appropriate price for it. 

In other news, we have snow here in Colorado. Lots of snow. And it's cold. Like, really cold. I'm over it. I'm ready for warmer weather. I mean, I love wearing my hoodie and all, but I wear it every. Single. Day. Because it's so cold. And I have to go to the post office today - which sucks in and of itself - but now I have to be out in the snow and cold, which makes it worse. Oh well. At least I have beefy new tires on my truck. 

I'm also excited because my tattoo will be finished next Tuesday! I've been impatiently waiting for Feb. 2nd to come along so I can have it done. I can't wait to see how it looks with color. I'll share pics when it's done. Also? It's much larger than I had originally planned. And I LOVE it. I was worried at first that it was too big, but nope. It's perfect. I'm already planning what to get for my next tattoo (probably much to my hubby's dismay). I would like a dove, on my right forearm (the inner part, by the crook of my elbow) to remind me that the Holy Spirit is with me, always. 

Anyhoo, that's about all for now. 

Wednesday 1-6-21 Tattoo Day!

 And just like that it's the new year. 

I skipped a week in blogging, though I doubt any of my 1-2 readers will have noticed. But yes! It's 2021 already! This past year has been the slowest yet quickest year ever. It's been weird and awful and sometimes wonderful. I've been stable and happy for 6 months - a huge feat for me! And I don't see that going away any time soon. 

So what's been going on . . . not much of anything really. Christmas was very low key - we did presents and dinner with my mother-in-law, and that was about it. For New Years I was in bed by 9:30 - I worked New Years Eve and New Years Day so no staying up late for me. Speaking of work, I've been working full time for a few weeks now and it's going great! (The extra money is nice, too!) But for the most part things have been pretty boring and status quo, which is fine by me (who needs drama anyway??). 

One fun thing of note is that I'm sewing again! Got my sewing machine up and running, bought fabric and thread and stuff and set about making my plush zombies again. I thought it would take me a while to figure out how to sew again, but muscle memory is a wonderful thing - it's almost like I never stopped! (I'm a bit slower sewing right now but I'm sure I'll pick up speed soon). Yesterday I sewed a plush zombie rabbit and he's not too shabby for my first plushie in 5 years. I'll be sewing more and my zombies will be going up for sale in my Etsy shop. I'm excited about this! And it gives me something more to do (because painting wise I've been feeling a bit uninspired). 

But now the really fun thing . . . I'm getting a new tattoo today!! I'm so excited and a little bit nervous. It's been a long time since I've gotten a tattoo (this one will be my 14th tattoo). It will be 2 magpies in flight -  two for joy - and will be on my right forearm. The tattoo, of course, is of a painting I did:

Most of my tattoos are my own artwork, which of course gives them more meaning to me. I happen to love magpies (all corvids, really, but especially magpies). Two magpies together represent joy - and I've been especially joyous since I've been stable and happy. This tattoo represents that joy and stability as well as my love of the bird. Aack! I can't wait! Noon today. An hour and twenty minutes from now. Don't worry - I'll share a pic of it in my next post. 

Anyway, that's about it. I hope everyone is having a great week so far and I hope 2021 is a better year for us all.

Friday 12/18/20 Covid Vaccine and Stuff

 Well it's Friday again. Another week has gone by. And nothing terribly exciting has happened. I painted some bookmarks, a couple of paintings (which I'll share below), worked (it's been busy), and got the first dose of the Covid vaccine. 

Wait, what? The covid vaccine? Yep. I got the first dose of it Wednesday night after I got off work. I get my second dose January 7th (I hear the side effects of the second dose can be pretty bad). The side effects for this first dose weren't too bad: arm soreness where I got the shot, and some minor body aches, headache, and sore throat. That went away after several hours. I was nervous to get it. I mean, yeah there was a test sample of 40,000 people, but we don't know any long term side effects of this vaccine. A vaccine that was developed insanely rapidly. But talking with fellow nurses helped calm my fears and I decided that if I can do something to protect myself - that will ultimately help protect my family - then I need to do it. So I got the vaccine. Hopefully I won't get some weird cancer in 2 years or something. 

Working full time is so far working well for me. And the extra money of course is nice. We were busy this past week and I didn't have to float to another unit which is always stellar. I work again tomorrow but I'm primary nursery, so no floating for me tomorrow either. I enjoy not floating. 

I seriously don't know what else to write about. Writing comes so naturally when I'm feeling like shit. But when I'm well, I'm at a loss for words. It kind of sucks because I enjoy writing but my life is pretty freaking boring. I don't really go anywhere other than work and grocery shopping - thanks covid. We're not going on any adventures or anything. It's too cold to go on walks or hiking. So yeah. Boring. Nothing going on. 

But, without further adieu, here's my two paintings I did:

A judgmental pigeon

He's judging you. Harshly.

And a mountain bluebird

Well there you have it. Another week in the boring life of me. Yay.

Thursday 11/19/20 Therapy

 Well y'all, today I had my last "real" therapy session. What do I mean by "real"? I mean, my last regularly scheduled therapy session. Meaning, I'm no longer going to therapy. Which is crazy, and a little bit scary.

See, I've been going to therapy almost weekly for 8 years (sometimes I would go bi-weekly or monthly, but a lot of the time was weekly). Eight years people! That's a lot of therapy! And now, well, now I'm stable and have been for quite some time. My therapist and I had gone over my traumas years ago so there's not really anything I need to work on. In fact, todays session was a lot of BSing and laughing. 

But it is going to be weird not actually going. And of course, if I need a "tune up" all I have to do is call or text and set up an appointment. So yeah. I'm moving on. 

I've still been painting a lot - and have sold most of what I've painted. Which is convenient so that I don't have paintings lying around everywhere. And I need to save up money for my next tattoo. 

Here's what I painted today:

Well, one of the paintings I did today. I also painted a cardinal. Which I sold. But this is an artistic magpie! Isn't he cute? I love him.  I think he will be hanging on my wall soon. 

So anyway, I really want to give a shoutout to my therapist, Mike, for being awesome as hell and putting up with my crazy ass for 8 years. He's truly amazing.