Friday 8/20/21 Yeah

 Wow. It's been almost a month since I last wrote. Crazy. I didn't think it had been this long. And the sad thing? Nothing much is going on. It's pretty much been the same thing, over and over. 

Work is still busy as fuck. I'm still burnt out. I'm still working my extra shifts and being asked to work more (I don't though). But I only have 3 more shifts until I have 10 days off. Ten glorious days in a row without work. I'm so looking forward to it. The thing that sucks though is that the first day of the ten off I'm having a molar pulled. I am NOT looking forward to that. It's the molar I had a root canal done on. When the dentist did the root canal, some of the sealant went through the root and into my jaw. So this isn't going to be an easy wiggle-wiggle-pull type of procedure. No, they'll probably have to shatter the tooth and pull out the pieces. My dentist told me to do it under anesthesia because of the pain. Joy. And told me that I would be in pain for several days after. Severe pain. Double joy. So the first few days of my time off will be spent recovering from this. Oh! And I get to have nothing but soft foods for two weeks. Triple joy.

Let's move on to something less horrible - today marks the end of the first week of high school for my son. I can't believe I have a high schooler!! And to think that next March he can get his learner's permit. He'll be driving! It's pretty cool though, watching him grow and change over the years . . . He's such a good kid. The best kid really. I'm so proud of him. 

I've had a hard time with motivation and inspiration lately. The only thing I'm motivated to do is sleep. Nap. Go to bed. It's awful. I hate that I feel this way. And with my artwork I have no inspiration. No drive to do or make anything. Every once in awhile I'll get a little spark. The tiniest little burst of inspiration, but always at the most inopportune time. And then - poof - it's gone. I want to sew cute things, but I don't know what. Or how. (I'm really over the whole zombie thing). And I want to draw and paint things . . . I just don't know what. I see other people's work and I'm jealous - I wish I could create something that others want to buy. But I'm stuck in a rut. A rut with no creativity. 

In other news, I awoke to a text from my bank yesterday stating that they noticed suspicious activity on my debit card. Checked the account and someone apparently hacked my Etsy account and went on a spending spree. Luckily Etsy caught it, cancelled the orders, and the money was refunded. So yesterday and this morning were spent trying to get my account back and protected. We cancelled my bank card so I had to get a new one. I've changed my password on Etsy 4 times now (as I keep getting shut out and prompted to create a new password). It's been a stressful mess. So I changed my passwords to everything. Ugh. What a pain in the ass. 

That's about it. There's not much else going on. Work and blah and exhaustion.  

Tuesday 1/26/21 Pigeons!

 Well hello there. Fancy meeting you here. 

So, I had a lady contact me through Etsy and ask if I would do a painting of pigeons for her (she had bought a pigeon painting I already had in my shop). She loved the painting she bought and wanted another one, but larger (the original was 5X7). I said yes. She told me about her pigeon themed room. It was kinda weird. But kinda cool. In a weird way. 

Here's the painting I did for her:

It's an 8X10, watercolors. She LOVED it. Here's the funny thing: I was going to charge her $30 for it. She refused to pay anything less than $50. She told me to edit my Etsy listing for it and charge her a "more appropriate price". Yeah. I was taken aback by that response. So I did, I charged her $50 for it. Both her and hubby told me I undersell my work. I'm my own worse critic I think. Well, I know this. I don't know what to charge for my paintings. I'm an unknown artist. I want to be fair. And I'm always worried that people don't like my work. And then today I got on my Deviant Art page and I had 96 notifications. All of them "likes" or comments on this painting. I was blown away. Seriously. People, apparently, like this painting. So maybe $50 is an appropriate price for it. 

In other news, we have snow here in Colorado. Lots of snow. And it's cold. Like, really cold. I'm over it. I'm ready for warmer weather. I mean, I love wearing my hoodie and all, but I wear it every. Single. Day. Because it's so cold. And I have to go to the post office today - which sucks in and of itself - but now I have to be out in the snow and cold, which makes it worse. Oh well. At least I have beefy new tires on my truck. 

I'm also excited because my tattoo will be finished next Tuesday! I've been impatiently waiting for Feb. 2nd to come along so I can have it done. I can't wait to see how it looks with color. I'll share pics when it's done. Also? It's much larger than I had originally planned. And I LOVE it. I was worried at first that it was too big, but nope. It's perfect. I'm already planning what to get for my next tattoo (probably much to my hubby's dismay). I would like a dove, on my right forearm (the inner part, by the crook of my elbow) to remind me that the Holy Spirit is with me, always. 

Anyhoo, that's about all for now. 

Wednesday 1-6-21 Tattoo Day!

 And just like that it's the new year. 

I skipped a week in blogging, though I doubt any of my 1-2 readers will have noticed. But yes! It's 2021 already! This past year has been the slowest yet quickest year ever. It's been weird and awful and sometimes wonderful. I've been stable and happy for 6 months - a huge feat for me! And I don't see that going away any time soon. 

So what's been going on . . . not much of anything really. Christmas was very low key - we did presents and dinner with my mother-in-law, and that was about it. For New Years I was in bed by 9:30 - I worked New Years Eve and New Years Day so no staying up late for me. Speaking of work, I've been working full time for a few weeks now and it's going great! (The extra money is nice, too!) But for the most part things have been pretty boring and status quo, which is fine by me (who needs drama anyway??). 

One fun thing of note is that I'm sewing again! Got my sewing machine up and running, bought fabric and thread and stuff and set about making my plush zombies again. I thought it would take me a while to figure out how to sew again, but muscle memory is a wonderful thing - it's almost like I never stopped! (I'm a bit slower sewing right now but I'm sure I'll pick up speed soon). Yesterday I sewed a plush zombie rabbit and he's not too shabby for my first plushie in 5 years. I'll be sewing more and my zombies will be going up for sale in my Etsy shop. I'm excited about this! And it gives me something more to do (because painting wise I've been feeling a bit uninspired). 

But now the really fun thing . . . I'm getting a new tattoo today!! I'm so excited and a little bit nervous. It's been a long time since I've gotten a tattoo (this one will be my 14th tattoo). It will be 2 magpies in flight -  two for joy - and will be on my right forearm. The tattoo, of course, is of a painting I did:

Most of my tattoos are my own artwork, which of course gives them more meaning to me. I happen to love magpies (all corvids, really, but especially magpies). Two magpies together represent joy - and I've been especially joyous since I've been stable and happy. This tattoo represents that joy and stability as well as my love of the bird. Aack! I can't wait! Noon today. An hour and twenty minutes from now. Don't worry - I'll share a pic of it in my next post. 

Anyway, that's about it. I hope everyone is having a great week so far and I hope 2021 is a better year for us all.

Thursday 10/15/20 Stuff and Stuff

 Welp, it's been a week since my last post and I'm happy to say I'm not struggling as much. I'm still feeling down, disinterested and withdrawn, but it's not as prominent? That's not the word I'm looking for. It's not as all encompassing. Or as bad, I should say. I guess. 

I haven't been sleeping all that well. I'm up about every hour - and not even because I have to pee! No, my brain is just being an asshole and waking me up. So I've felt pretty damn exhausted the past few days. I mean, if I'm not going to sleep, can I at least have some hypomania to go with it? Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is. Oh well. 

I've been painting a little more. Here's a couple of foxes I did:

 

Aren't they cute? The coffee one looks a little wonky to me. Like, he didn't look as wonky when he was just inked. But when I added watercolor he got wonky. That's okay though - I still love him. 

Here's a shout out to myself: both of these paintings (and others) are available in my Etsy shop!

I might as well toot my own horn, right?

Anyway, there's not really much of anything going on. My tooth I had a root canal in is still hurting after a month and a half so that sucks. I go back to the endodontist next Tuesday to have it looked at (my dentist doesn't know what to do about it). He said maybe steroid injections at the base of the tooth to stop inflammation while it heals. Boy doesn't that sound fun . . . or not. One of the two. 

So for now I guess I just keep plugging along, trying to sleep, and trying not to let my lower mood get to me. What more can I do?

Wednesday 9/30/20 Ugh

 It's hard to believe that it's almost October. Like, tomorrow is October! How crazy is that?? This has by far been the fastest, slowest year ever. Yes, both fast and slow. 

I'm writing today because I've actually had a couple of crap days and I feel the need to purge. Monday was a day of rage. Anger way out of proportion to what was going on. And what was going on? Nothing. Nothing was going on. I was just pissed off at everything. 

Every. Little. Thing.

Everything made me mad. It probably would have been comical to anyone watching me, but for me it was pure hell. Nothing triggered it - I woke up pissed. I managed to not scream and throw things. Barely. 

Yesterday and Monday I spent the day scanning paintings into the computer. Fifteen paintings to put in my Etsy shop and 179 personal paintings. That's 194 paintings I scanned. It took forever. But it's done. So Monday I was a ball of rage, and yesterday I was blah. All I did was plug along, scanning paintings, not really feeling. Didn't go to the gym because I wasn't really feeling it. Didn't do anything except scan paintings. 

And that brings us to today. Where I am blah and unmotivated and uninspired and frustrated because of this. I'm not depressed - I want to make that clear. I don't even think that I'm necessarily down . . . I'm just . . . here. I don't even know how to describe it. I'm just existing today. I'm physically taking up space but that's it. I'm flat. Emotionless. There are heavy, exasperated sighs often. I don't want to do anything. I have drawings to paint, the kitchen to clean, dinner to get in the crock pot. And I stare off into space, sighing occasionally. 

And that's why I needed to write today. Because maybe if I get this off my chest I'll feel better and become more animated. Maybe I'll accomplish something. Because right now? I was overwhelmed with having to decide what to have for lunch. Because right now I want to lay down and sleep until tomorrow. And again - I don't feel depressed. Not how I normally feel when I'm depressed. I'm just . . . so  . . . I don't know. BLAH. Flat. Kind of checked out for the day. 

I'm trying not to let this get me down. Because it can. And in the past it would have. I would take this as a sign I was getting bad again and I'm not letting myself do that this time. Not this time brain. Everyone has blah, uninspired, unmotivated days. That's normal, right? (please say it's normal) And that's what I'm experiencing - a transient off day. I'll be better soon. 

Hopefully by tomorrow because I work.