Thursday 10/15/20 Stuff and Stuff

 Welp, it's been a week since my last post and I'm happy to say I'm not struggling as much. I'm still feeling down, disinterested and withdrawn, but it's not as prominent? That's not the word I'm looking for. It's not as all encompassing. Or as bad, I should say. I guess. 

I haven't been sleeping all that well. I'm up about every hour - and not even because I have to pee! No, my brain is just being an asshole and waking me up. So I've felt pretty damn exhausted the past few days. I mean, if I'm not going to sleep, can I at least have some hypomania to go with it? Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is. Oh well. 

I've been painting a little more. Here's a couple of foxes I did:

 

Aren't they cute? The coffee one looks a little wonky to me. Like, he didn't look as wonky when he was just inked. But when I added watercolor he got wonky. That's okay though - I still love him. 

Here's a shout out to myself: both of these paintings (and others) are available in my Etsy shop!

I might as well toot my own horn, right?

Anyway, there's not really much of anything going on. My tooth I had a root canal in is still hurting after a month and a half so that sucks. I go back to the endodontist next Tuesday to have it looked at (my dentist doesn't know what to do about it). He said maybe steroid injections at the base of the tooth to stop inflammation while it heals. Boy doesn't that sound fun . . . or not. One of the two. 

So for now I guess I just keep plugging along, trying to sleep, and trying not to let my lower mood get to me. What more can I do?

Thursday 10/8/20 Therapy and art

Two postings in one week? Holy cow! What's up with that?

I'll tell you. I had therapy today. It's been 8 weeks since my last appointment, which is quite a long time. The longest I've gone between sessions. Which is kinda weird. It shows that I've been doing better, even though I feel like I'm slipping. 

Speaking of slipping, M and I talked about that quite a bit today. And how I'm too hard on myself (I feel like a failure for having bad days and I do tend to beat myself up over it). The thing is, we don't really have an action plan. Nothing new at least. I'm to just keep plugging along, powering through, using all of my skills and tools that I've learned to fight back. Which in and of itself is kind of depressing. Because I'm using all of my skills and still back sliding a bit. I even started tearing up a bit while talking. Because it just seems so hopeless and pointless that I get to do this for the rest of my life. 

And unfair. 

But life isn't fair, is it? No, it isn't. And that sucks. 

I'm trying my best to stay positive. I've been painting upbeat, motivational things. Like this little guy:

  My positive paintings have been a hit with friends, coworkers and strangers alike. I've sold quite a few different ones. And some days I feel it. I feel like I can do the thing. But other days . . . I'd rather just sleep to escape. Today is a bit of a sleep-to-escape day. But I'm going to try not to. I'm going to try to read and power through. 

This is not the start of a depressive episode. It's not. I will beat whatever little funk I am in and get back to feeling good.