Wednesday 10/16/24 What a Pain

 Literally. A pain in my back. Ugh. Back pain sucks. It's been going on for around 4-5 months? Ever since I started semaglutide. It's not constant, thank God, but it hurts. It's mid back, from about T6-T11. A nagging ache that motrin and Tylenol don't touch. Laying down is the only thing that helps. It's worse at work and usually starts in the afternoon or evening and continues until I lay down to go to sleep. I'd rate it about a 5 on the pain scale. So I saw my doctor about it this morning and she wants me to stop the semaglutide for 3 weeks to see if the pain goes away. If not, then it's physical therapy and imaging. 

I'm a little nervous about stopping the semaglutide. I've lost 38 pounds on it so far. I was hoping to lose another 20. Without the semaglutide I'm worried about being able to do that. Of course, I had planned on stopping it when my current supply is gone (about a month and a week left) because I'm tired of the nausea all the time. So I'm just stopping sooner. I'll just need to be aware of how much I'm eating and continue with my new eating habits. And also work out consistently. I can do this. I know I can.

In other news, I got a new tattoo! Hooray! Finally! I got my Kitsune on my left forearm. It has 3 tails - one each for myself, Jeremy, and Ayden. With cherry blossoms and a lotus flower. I love it so much! I really wish I could get blogger to let me upload images but it just won't. I don't know why. I've tried everything I know to do. Oh well. Just know that it looks soooooo good! I posted pics on my Instagram, so I guess you could look there (@clparr82). 

Work is work. I thankfully haven't been charge every shift anymore. I've had some floor days and nursery days, which is lovely. So that's better. 

Anyhoo, that's all I guess.

Wednesday 8/9/23 At least I'm not at work

 At least I'm not at work. That's a good thing. I worked the past 2 days and realized I'm not terribly happy at work. I try to be, I really do. I try to talk to people, I try to stay up beat, I try to be happy. But I'm not. Not really. There are so many things about my job that really irritate me. Really annoy me. I don't know if I feel this way because I don't like my job anymore or because I've been feeling down lately. Or both. Who knows? But I don't like going. I don't want to be there. I don't like feeling this way but I can't seem to help it. Part of me thinks I need to get a different job. And part of me thinks that if I get a different job I'll still be unhappy, just unhappy in a new environment. Which is less than helpful. 

I started doing yoga and I'm trying to be mindful and focus on breathing and being thankful for what I have. I'm trying to be positive about everything. But it's so hard. I seem to have a naturally negative mindset. I've been trying to change this but it's daunting. I have a negative self image, negative self talk, negative outlook, and feel negatively towards most people. I need a complete overhaul. I'm hoping that practicing my breathing and mindfulness with yoga will help this. I ordered a book on yoga - it teaches the foundations of yoga, breathing, and basic poses. I started a 30 day yoga training today that's focused on listening and centering oneself. I also ordered another yoga program called Yoga Burn (which is more for toning up and getting in shape, but is still yoga). I need to get in shape. I think if I could get in shape and lose weight I'd overall feel better about things. Because my negative self image is forefront every day. I'm trying to accept where I am and work on bettering myself, but then I look in the mirror and just hate what I see. So out comes the negative self talk. I'm trying to actively counter this but again, it's hard. Because I seem to be hardwired for negativity. I must have some pretty shitty core beliefs. Maybe we can delve into this next week in therapy. I don't know. 

I know my negativity affects me at work (yeah, we just circled back to work again). And maybe, just maybe, if I could be more positive I wouldn't hate my job so much. At least I'm hoping that's the case. 

I work tomorrow and I'm going to try and get up early and do yoga before getting ready. I felt more peaceful and calm this morning after doing yoga and it would be great to feel that before work. Maybe I'd have a better day. We'll see if it happens. Because I have a hard time getting up earlier than needed. 

In other news, the functional practitioner got my blood work back. I have an appointment on Monday with them. Was hoping for this week, but it just didn't work out that way. Jeremy is going with me, they requested that he be there. Probably because the treatment plans they offer are expensive and not covered by insurance. That's my guess anyways. So yeah. I'll get answers on Monday. And maybe I'll write about it Monday afternoon. 

Anyway, I guess that's it for today. I'll leave you with a painting I did last week:

"Lift", 5X7, watercolor and ink. It, in a way, represents me trying to pull myself out of a darker space. I guess. 

Monday 7/31/23 Oy Vey

 I slept like crap last night. I think I was awake more than I was asleep. And it shows. I'm super fucking cranky today and have no motivation for anything. I managed to work out and shower. Go me. I have my mammogram at 12:45 so of course I don't want to do anything until I have to leave. I have time to do stuff - I just don't want to. I have enough time to do a painting or draw or clean something . . . but instead I'm sitting here on the couch bitching. I hate feeling this way.

Last week I saw the functional medicine practitioner and had a metric fuck-ton of bloodwork drawn. Like, it was a LOT of blood drawn. When they get the results (which can take 5-10 days), he'll contact me to set up an appointment to go over it all. I'm really hoping my blood work corroborates what I'm feeling. That I get answers and solutions. For now it's a waiting game. Which, today, annoys me. 

What also annoys me, since today seems to be a bitch fest, is my bladder. Well, my whole body, really. My body doesn't seem to want to utilize the water I give it for cellular functioning. No. Instead I almost immediately pee out everything I put in. I've had a bottle and a half of water this morning and I've peed 7 times. Seven times in the last 2 hours, mind you. And I have to go again. WTF body?? You need that water!! You're telling me I'm horribly thirsty but when I drink anything, out it comes! Seriously. What the hell. And this happens all the time. Every day. To the point where I don't want to drink anything because I'm sick of how often I have to pee. Makes me worry that I'm developing diabetes or kidney disease. Because frequent urination is a symptom of both.

In other news, my mood has been sinking a little. The past 2 weeks I've been down more than not. And, yes, that annoys me. What I should do is have a ketamine infusion before I get worse. But I don't want to do that. Why? The cost. I just spent nearly $500 for my bloodwork, I don't want to spend another $300 on myself for the infusion. Which my therapist thinks is stupid. That I should schedule an infusion every 2 months or so to keep me in tip top shape. Which, yes, preventative measures make sense, but I feel selfish and like a failure if I do this. Plus the financial burden. Yes, we can afford it. But I don't want to have to have it. Maybe it's stubborn pride. I don't know. It's just that we've spent so much money on my mental health and I hate that. I feel guilty because of it. Which, in turn, makes me feel shittier. If this was for Jeremy or Ayden I'd spend the money in a heart beat. But when it comes to myself . . . I can't bring myself to do it. Like I don't deserve it. 

Anyway. I guess that's enough bitching. Here. Here's a little snow fox I painted:

I like how it turned out. And that's good, especially with how I feel today.

Thursday 7/13/23 A Little Bit Off

 I'm a little bit off today. I woke up at 5:30am wide awake. But it was 5:30 and I didn't want to be up yet, so I went back to sleep. Kind of. Then I woke up at 6:30 and was terribly groggy. So groggy that I didn't get out of bed until 7:15. And I just can't today. I'm not feeling it. It's safe to say that I'm feeling down. More than just blah, which is how I have been feeling the past few days. I couldn't get myself to workout or do anything really. I had part of a protein shake, a little bit of coffee, and then I laid down again, stared at the ceiling. Forced myself to get up and shower.

There are several reasons for feeling this way, I think. Let's start with my weight. I've been trying to lose weight, for quite some time now. Been doing Noom for about 5 months. And I've been stuck. Not losing anything for the whole time. Until getting back from Japan. I started losing. I lost about 7 pounds. Go me! No, not so much. I've gained back 5 of those pounds. Without eating more. My weight just creeps up. I lose a pound, gain it back the next day. I can't seem to just steadily lose weight and it's fucking frustrating. I don't know what to do. I have body image issues - always have - and this is making it worse. Making me feel like a failure. A big, fat failure. I'm trying not to think like this, I know it doesn't help, but after gaining weight again for the 4th day in a row . . . well, it's hard not to. 

Next, let's talk about work. Ahhhhh, work. I don't want to go. At all. Like, desperately don't want to go. I don't exactly know why. I'm not enjoying my job anymore. I'm burnt out. And so much is changing there, not for the better. We have all new upper management and the only thing they're concerned with is making money. There have been cutbacks and layoffs - when we're already often short staffed. But what do they care? The CEOs and CNOs need to get their hefty paychecks and bonuses. Screw the floor staff. We have to do more with less and it's just getting stupid. And our manager quit. She was awesome. She fought for us. And now she's gone. The 3 people that applied for it . . . well, none of them are that good. I'm worried what this means for our unit. And I can't leave - I'm stuck until at least December because I signed a 2 year contract for a bonus. And even if I could leave, where would I go? Other units have it worse than us. And going to a new facility means I'd probably have to work night shift which I physically and mentally can't do. So I really AM stuck. I dread going in. What kind of a shit show is it going to be today? I'm having a hard time connecting with patients because I so desperately don't want to be there. Which makes me even more miserable. The whole situation just sucks.

Lastly, let's talk about faith. I've been struggling in my faith. When I was baptized (what was that, 3 years ago?) I was excited. I felt like I knew what this faith thing was all about. It was comforting to me. But as time has gone on, not so much. It's like I can't quite put a finger on what I actually believe. The Catholic faith seems so suffocating now, and I never even considered myself a true Catholic. I'm more a a cafeteria Catholic - take what I like and leave the rest. But now I'm struggling with even that. Going to mass is a chore - one I don't want to do. I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it. My prayer life is sporadic at best. I pray - I do - but it feels so forced and false. I don't know how to pray. My prayers are images in my mind more than anything else. Which doesn't feel right. I don't know how to describe it. I haven't told anyone about this. Because I feel bad. I feel like a fake and a failure because my faith is wavering. I know Jeremy would tell me to try harder, read the bible more, pray more . . . the problem is I don't want to. And that makes me feel terrible. I know faith is important to Jeremy. Mass is important to him. Prayer is important to him. I feel like I'm letting him down. And that's a shitty feeling. 

All of this came to a head today and I'm not dealing with it all that well. I've felt like crying all day. The tears don't come but they're right there. I managed to draw a little today. I designed my next tattoo (or what I would really like to be my next tattoo). A kitsune. 

This is the only thing that has made me feel somewhat okay today. Drawing this. I want it on my left thigh. I just have to convince Jeremy to let me get it. We'll see. I love foxes and kitsune commemorate our trip to Japan. 

So yeah. All this crap. I have therapy today at 4. We're supposed to be focusing on my body image issues but I have this other stuff too. I don't know. I guess we'll see how it goes. 

Wednesday 3/8/23 Happy Birthday

 Today Ayden turned 16. It's crazy to think that he's that old. He's been driving and will get his license in August. He has a girlfriend. Just . . . crazy. He's a good kid. I wish his grades were better, but he's a good kid. 

I don't have that much to write about today. This past week has been . . . okay. Not great, but okay. Friday and yesterday I worked and actually felt somewhat decent. More like my old self. My non-depressed self. So that's good. Today I'm a little more down and feel like napping the day away. I did some drawing, started laundry, but I don't know what else to do with myself. I don't feel like reading, or painting, or doing anything. It's annoying. It is what I'm used to though. The no motivation and whatnot with depression. I just wish I was more "okay" today too. Oh well.

I drew a couple of foxes today. I'm still trying to work out a tattoo design. This is my favorite:

It's the one I'm leaning towards, even though it's not in color. We'll see. Probably won't get a new tat until we're back from Japan. 

That's really all I have for today.

Tuesday 2/28/23 Almost March

 Tomorrow is March y'all. That's crazy. My son will be 16 on the 8th - which is also crazy. Time flies . . .

I feel like I need to write. I always feel like I need to write when I'm feeling crappy. Somehow, writing helps, even if only a tiny bit. I've just been consistently not doing good. I'm still down. Hell, let's call it what it is - depressed. I've been depressed. I'm having a hard time accomplishing anything other than basic tasks. I shower, I eat, I do laundry. I go to work and struggle to get by. I have no motivation or drive for anything. I'm having a hard time concentrating enough again to even read. I hate this. I don't know what to do. I'm seeing my new therapist every other week, taking my meds like a good girl, trying to exercise at least twice a week, trying to eat better, trying to stay positive (which is all fake and extremely difficult to do), and trying to socialize with people while at work and not be a complete downer. 

But I am a complete downer. I'm not any fun to be around right now. My mood is low. I'm sluggish. I'm not connecting with people. I'm struggling. I'm so burnt out at work. I dread going. And I don't know what to do about that. I've been in the birth center for almost 14 years and I've always loved my job. But now . . . I'm burnt out. I don't want to go. But I'm not sure I can leave (well, right now I can't leave as I had signed a 2 year contract for a bonus). And if I left, what would I do? Where would I go? I have a feeling that no matter what I do I'll be miserable because in general right now I'm miserable. So what would be the point? I might as well stay where I know my job and the people I work with. I don't know if I dread work because I'm depressed in general or if work is a major contributor to feeling depressed. Maybe it's both. Who knows. The only other area of nursing I'm interested in is psych and everyone agrees that that's probably a bad idea for me. And inpatient psych . . . yeah. Probably wouldn't be rewarding. It's treat the crisis and ship them out. And people in crisis can be nasty to others. How would dealing with that make me feel?

Ugh.

So I have no clue as to what to do. I can have another ketamine infusion in March if I want (boosters are once a month). I felt amazing after my last one but that feeling quickly faded. So I'm worried the same thing will happen again. Maybe I should go anyway. I don't know. I feel lost and sad and a little scared. And I'm so freaking tired of feeling this way. Why can't I have some toned down, euphoric hypomania? Just a little bit. Just for a little while. Is that too much to ask?

I did a painting titled "Emerge". It's kind of, trying to emerge from the darkness that is depression. Except instead of a person I drew a fox. I mean, why not?

Here it is. I like it, I guess. It came out how I envisioned it, so that's good. The problem, though, is that I'm not emerging from the darkness. I'm enveloped in it. I'm stuck. And I hate that.

Tuesday 10/19/21 Ummmm . . .

 Another week has gone by, nothing new is happening. I have a headache though. Woke up with it. It went away for a few hours, but it's back now. With a vengeance. Ugh. Stupid headache. 

So, last week I took care of a Spanish speaking patient. She knew a tiny bit of English, and, well, I know a tiny bit of Spanish. I only had to use the interpreter phone twice (when explaining medical stuff), the rest of the day we were able to communicate. But this experience has rekindled my desire to learn Spanish. Like, really learn it. No matter how hard it is or how long it takes. I tried to learn it about 2 years ago and had a hard time because my memory is shot from doing ECT for 3 years. I gave up. I hate that I gave up. I would be so much better off if I stuck with it. But noooooo, it was hard so I quit. I'm not going to do that this time. I'm going to learn. I still have my subscription to Babbel, which I used for the first time again yesterday. And all my learning Spanish books. And note cards I made. I'm going to do this!! 

I worked Sunday, primary nursery, and we had a sad situation. A gal came in for a labor check and there were no heart tones. She was a scheduled c-section the next day (Monday). And there were no heart tones. I assisted during her c-section to deliver a baby born sleeping. It was so very sad. I got weight and measurements, did hand prints and foot prints. This perfect baby boy who was called back by God too soon. My job is usually a happy one. But when it isn't, it isn't. I've prayed for this family every night. Maybe you could, too. 

In other news, I've been trying to stay productive with sewing and drawing/painting. For the most part I'm doing okay. I'm stock piling sock rats and little owls and soul suckers in hopes of doing a toy con with them. However, I don't think this year will be the year for me to do that. Maybe next year, when I have more time to prepare (the toy con I was going to do this year is in December and I feel overwhelmed). Anyway, here's a little fox I painted:

With his cute butterfly friend! I like him. And I thought I had him sold after I posted him on FB, but apparently some people think $20 for an original piece of artwork is too much. Whatever. I need to scan it and post it on Etsy. I'm going to be slowly raising my prices on original pieces as I plan to start offering prints of some of them. But yeah. People annoy me. 

Anyway, that's it for this week. 

Wednesday 10/13/21 More Tattoo Concept Art

 Well, well, well . . . it seems another week has gone by. It's been, actually, a very unproductive week for me. Mostly thanks to work and being lazy on my days off. It's all thanks to that, let's be honest. I've been feeling rather lazy as of late. Take this morning for example: got up at 7, took the boy to school, had breakfast and coffee, then laid back down for another hour before showering. And now I'm blogging instead of sewing or painting or cleaning. Lazy. I think I kind of need it though. Because of reasons. 

I had my yearly physical on Monday, so much fun. My doc felt some lumps in my right breast, one of which I knew was there (it's been biopsied before and has a marker in it), but there's a couple more now. It's been two years since my last mammogram, so hooray! I get to have another one done! It's scheduled for Nov. 9th. Otherwise I got a clean bill of health. She wants my labs to be drawn in February so that it's been a full year since the last time I had them done. I asked about the feelings of malaise I've been getting, and the headaches, every day for over a month now. She thinks it's probably diet related. Most likely sugar. Granted, in the past month and a half I have been eating a TON more sugar. A lot more than before I had my tooth pulled the end of August, so that kinda makes sense. So I guess I gotta cut back again. Which sucks because sugar is tasty. Oh well. 

I came up with a new tattoo concept for my left forearm which I really love. It's a fox, of course, and should fit nicely over my scars. 

I'm really digging this design. Like, I'm pretty positive this is it. This is my next tattoo. Now I just have to save up some money (cause tattoos are expensive, duh). But yeah, I'm stoked. 

The other day I texted my therapist just to check in, let him know how I was doing and that I appreciate him so much. He wrote me back that it warms his heart that I wrote him. Which warms my heart so much! I think it's actually been about a year since I last saw him and it's still weird to me to not be seeing him at least monthly. I'm doing so well though that I'd really have nothing to talk about, other than just shooting the shit (which, let's be honest, I would totally do with him). 

That's pretty much been the last week. Work is work. I'm still burnt out and now our unit is staffing the rest of the hospital. Every single day at least one or more people are floated to other units. Which really sucks and is annoying. I haven't floated for a few months so I know my time is coming. Probably tomorrow. I hate floating. We all do. It sucks. But there's nothing I can do about it, so I might as well not get my panties in a bunch over it.  

Friday 9/10/21 Tattoo Concepts

 I've been thinking for a long time about whether or not I want to cover my self harm scars on my left forearm. Part of me has always thought that they're a part of my story, and therefor I shouldn't cover them. After all - they're part of me. But the rest of me is a little ashamed of the scars and finds them to be ugly and stigmatizing. People look at you different when they see that you've cut yourself. Maybe they look at you with pity or, often, a hint of disgust. So I've thought long and hard over the past several months and have decided that I want to cover them - with a tattoo of course! I think tattoos (especially now) are more socially acceptable than self harm scars. 

Now, I'm not even sure my scars can be covered well. That's something I need to talk with my tattoo artist about. See, I have quite a few scars on the underside of my left forearm. But I've seen other scars - ones larger and more raised than mine - covered. And that's what I'd like to do. I have two concept drawings in the running. Both are foxes. I happen to love foxes. They are gorgeous creatures. I've used them in my personal art before. 

First up, my watercolor fox:

I truly love how this came out. But, as much as I love it, I'm leaning towards my second fox:

Black and grey. I think this will hide the scars better than my watercolor version. And I just really love it. 

We'll see what my artist has  to say about them both. I'd be happy with either, quite honestly. 

In other news, not much has been going on. Work is busy. It's always busy. I'm trying to make stuff - paintings, bookmarks, plushies. I need to have stuff if I'm going to sell at a con, right? I tried sewing today, tried to make a few small owls, but luck and skill was not on my side today. My sewing machine kept jamming and snagging the fabric, which royally pissed me off. So I decided to sew a sock rat, which is mostly hand sewing. That was disasterous. But I finished him. And I got 3 owls partially done. Along with drawing my black and grey fox. So that's something at least.  

Thursday 12/3/20 Doc appt and a Christmas Fox

 Let's just get down to it.

I had an appointment yesterday with a urologist for urodynamic testing because I'm having trouble peeing (probably TMI, you're welcome). So yeah, especially at night, sometimes it takes several minutes of sitting on the toilet before I can actually go. Which is freaking annoying, to say the least. So I saw a urologist and she recommended this test. Urodynamic testing, in case you don't know, consists of putting a catheter in the urethra and in the rectum (along with several electrodes) to measure muscle contractility and some other stuff (like strength of your stream, how much you pee after your bladder is filled, etc). Let me tell you, it's uncomfortable. 

So they insert the catheters and begin filling my bladder with water. They fill it until I feel like I can't absolutely hold it for any longer and have to pee. Then they have you pee around the catheter. Which is actually kind of difficult to do because 1. you're peeing around a catheter, 2. you're not peeing into an actual toilet, and 3. because I have trouble peeing. So I wasn't able to pee much and what I did go I had to force out. But, thankfully, the urologist was able to get the info she needed from the test. And what did we find out? My bladder muscle is weak and isn't contracting like it should, making it difficult for me to pee and to empty my bladder. Fantastic. And she had a theory as to why this is happening - my Wellbutrin. 

I was started on Wellbutrin last June or July and started having trouble peeing in August. Apparently, antidepressants can cause the bladder muscle to weaken and not contract. So I have four options: 1. try going off my Wellbutrin and see if this helps, 2. go on another medication that could help me pee (only works in about 50% of people), 3. straight cath myself instead of actually peeing (um, NO), or 4. have surgery to implant a stimulator that forces my bladder to contract so I can pee. I'm choosing to try going off my Wellbutrin and see if that helps. I see my psychiatrist on the 14th and I'll talk to him about it then. To be honest, I'm scared to death to go off the Wellbutrin because I've been doing so well and I don't want to backslide mood wise. But I also don't want to go on another medication - especially if it only works in 50% of people - and I certainly don't want to cath myself or have surgery. I probably couldn't even have the surgery if I wanted it because of covid. 

So yeah. I'm going to try going off of Wellbutrin, as scary as that is. And I'll pray that I don't backslide and that it actually helps with being able to pee. Ugh. My body and brain hate me. 

In other news, I painted a fox with a santa hat and people really liked it. Enough so that I painted 3 more of the same picture because people were wanting it and I don't have a print shop as of right now. 

The original painting is the one in the upper left. The other three are my copycats. Pretty darn good, yeah? So I need to find a print shop so that I can make prints of my popular paintings, and I need to start charging more for the originals. Because I can't keep doing this. It's just dumb. 

Oh yeah - and at work now it's mandatory for us to float to other units to help out. We've never had to float before and it's a little nerve wracking. I haven't done med/surg nursing in 13 years. As of right now we're only supposed to be "helping hands" - meaning we're not supposed to take an assignment. But that could all change depending on how high the covid numbers get. I'm not looking forward to this, but I'm also not letting it ruin my mood. It is what it is, even if it's scary. 

Thursday 10/15/20 Stuff and Stuff

 Welp, it's been a week since my last post and I'm happy to say I'm not struggling as much. I'm still feeling down, disinterested and withdrawn, but it's not as prominent? That's not the word I'm looking for. It's not as all encompassing. Or as bad, I should say. I guess. 

I haven't been sleeping all that well. I'm up about every hour - and not even because I have to pee! No, my brain is just being an asshole and waking me up. So I've felt pretty damn exhausted the past few days. I mean, if I'm not going to sleep, can I at least have some hypomania to go with it? Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is. Oh well. 

I've been painting a little more. Here's a couple of foxes I did:

 

Aren't they cute? The coffee one looks a little wonky to me. Like, he didn't look as wonky when he was just inked. But when I added watercolor he got wonky. That's okay though - I still love him. 

Here's a shout out to myself: both of these paintings (and others) are available in my Etsy shop!

I might as well toot my own horn, right?

Anyway, there's not really much of anything going on. My tooth I had a root canal in is still hurting after a month and a half so that sucks. I go back to the endodontist next Tuesday to have it looked at (my dentist doesn't know what to do about it). He said maybe steroid injections at the base of the tooth to stop inflammation while it heals. Boy doesn't that sound fun . . . or not. One of the two. 

So for now I guess I just keep plugging along, trying to sleep, and trying not to let my lower mood get to me. What more can I do?