Wow. It's been 2 weeks since I last wrote. Quite honestly, nothing much has been going on. I'm relatively stable - not doing great, but not depressed either. I'm just kind of meh. I have good moments, I can feel happiness or joy or anger or any other feeling, but most of the time I'm just meh. No big deal. Whatever.
I haven't been painting. At all. I haven't painted in like 3 weeks. I haven't really done much of anything. I go to work. I volunteer (like today). I nap. I tend to nap a lot. Most days I'm off. I hang out with my hubby. I'm pretty darn boring as of late. And that's okay. No drama.
I had therapy on Tuesday with Becky. I needed to talk about my mom (we went to dinner with her last week and - surprise - she was drunk and acted a fool). I'm sick of dealing with her. I'm sick of talking to her, whether it be in person, on the phone, or text. She thinks that we're best friends. That not only am I her daughter, but also friend, confidant, and therapist. And I'm fucking sick of it. In reality we don't have ANY of those relationships, other than the fact that since she gave birth to me I guess that qualifies me as her daughter. We don't have a mother-daughter relationship. What little we do have is toxic. Because of her. Because she is an alcoholic. Because she's always been an alcoholic. And because she's delusional enough to think that she doesn't drink at all and therefore doesn't have a problem. I just can't anymore. And I vomited this all out to Becky on Tuesday. And, seeing how Becky uses the IFS model of therapy, we broke down what I was feeling into their respective parts. For example: I have a part that hates my mom. I have a protective part that puts up walls (like ignoring texts or calls from my mom). I have a part that I call naïve that holds out hope that someday maybe she'll stop drinking (Becky told me to call this a "hopeful part" instead of naïve). So my "hopeful" part and protective parts butt heads and that's where my internal conflict comes from. Okay . . . I guess that makes sense, on some level. I have a problem picking out my individual "parts". Becky is good at it. She pulled out like 5 or 6 parts in a matter of minutes whereas I couldn't really identify anything other than myself. But apparently my thoughts and conflicts are from my parts. Not "me". I have a hard time grasping this concept. It sounds like mumbo jumbo to me, and I'm not quite sure I buy into all of this yet. But I'll keep going and keep trying to identify parts on my own. Like the skeptical part of me, that isn't "me". This doesn't make sense. ANYWAY, Becky stressed that I don't have a relationship with my "mom" but with a person who is an addict. And that I do need to work on boundaries with her, for my own sanity. If my protective parts had their say I would cut her out of my life for good. But then there's a guilty part that thinks "but she's your mother. How could you do that to your mother??" Because she's a toxic drunk who only really cares about herself! Because just getting a text from her makes me anxious and makes my blood boil! Because I can't stand anything about her! But the guilt persists. And the stupid, annoying little "hopeful" part persists. I'm supposed to embrace these parts and nurture them, find out what they need, and then try to give them that. I'm supposed to do the same with my protective parts, which seems easier because I think "myself" is more in line with their thinking. But, then again, I don't know what "my self" is. I guess this means I have a long way to go in therapy. At least with the IFS model. Wow. That was a lot of rambling.
Anyway, I guess I'm okay over all and I need more therapy and boundaries. And more sunshine and warmth.
