Wednesday 10/16/24 What a Pain

 Literally. A pain in my back. Ugh. Back pain sucks. It's been going on for around 4-5 months? Ever since I started semaglutide. It's not constant, thank God, but it hurts. It's mid back, from about T6-T11. A nagging ache that motrin and Tylenol don't touch. Laying down is the only thing that helps. It's worse at work and usually starts in the afternoon or evening and continues until I lay down to go to sleep. I'd rate it about a 5 on the pain scale. So I saw my doctor about it this morning and she wants me to stop the semaglutide for 3 weeks to see if the pain goes away. If not, then it's physical therapy and imaging. 

I'm a little nervous about stopping the semaglutide. I've lost 38 pounds on it so far. I was hoping to lose another 20. Without the semaglutide I'm worried about being able to do that. Of course, I had planned on stopping it when my current supply is gone (about a month and a week left) because I'm tired of the nausea all the time. So I'm just stopping sooner. I'll just need to be aware of how much I'm eating and continue with my new eating habits. And also work out consistently. I can do this. I know I can.

In other news, I got a new tattoo! Hooray! Finally! I got my Kitsune on my left forearm. It has 3 tails - one each for myself, Jeremy, and Ayden. With cherry blossoms and a lotus flower. I love it so much! I really wish I could get blogger to let me upload images but it just won't. I don't know why. I've tried everything I know to do. Oh well. Just know that it looks soooooo good! I posted pics on my Instagram, so I guess you could look there (@clparr82). 

Work is work. I thankfully haven't been charge every shift anymore. I've had some floor days and nursery days, which is lovely. So that's better. 

Anyhoo, that's all I guess.

Monday 3/4/24

 Been a minute again since I last wrote. I haven't been doing all that much. At least anything exciting. I've been reading and enjoying the mild weather here, working, and doing yoga. I have my interview for the charge nurse position this Wednesday. I'm a little nervous, but this afternoon I'm going to "practice" answering questions to prepare myself. I'm sure I'll do fine. Everyone else seems to think I will. 

The only other big news is that my son is turning 17 on Friday. Holy crap!! Seventeen! Where does the time go? He's spending the night at a friend's house on Friday, I don't know what else he wants to do. His girlfriend was supposed to be down this weekend to see him (she lives in Montrose - about 4 hours from us) but I guess she's coming the following week instead. So we'll have to come up with something to do for him. 

I've hit a dry spell art wise, haven't really drawn anything for the past couple of weeks except for a tattoo concept that I want to get on the side of my left forearm. It's a unalome with a lotus flower.

 I need to work a couple overtime shifts to earn some extra money so I can convince hubby to let me get another tattoo. We'll see when that happens. But yeah - that's the only thing I've drawn for quite a while. I was hoping inspiration would hit me today but so far I got nothing. Boooooo. Guess I'll scroll Pinterest looking for ideas. 

Anyway, that's it for now. Wish me luck on my interview!

Thursday 2/22/24

It's been a bit since I last wrote. At least it feels that way. 

Anyway, I'm happy to say that I've been working out consistently for the past 2-3 weeks. Go me! It feels so good! And I'm back to doing yoga which I really, truly LOVE. I'm not the best at it, not terribly graceful, but that's okay. I'll get there in time with practice. It just feels so good to move my body. I do yoga with Adriene (she's on youtube) and am also using the Asana Rebel app. The Asana Rebel app kicks my ass, in the best way possible. I know it's making me stronger. 

I'm also really itching to get a new tattoo. I have ideas for 2 tats I want, that can probably be done in the same session (they are smol). I just need to convince hubby that I need them. Wish me luck there :D

I "applied" to be a charge nurse at work again. I did it many years ago and then stepped down because of my mental health. I've been doing so much better for a while now so I think it's time to do it again. We'll see. I have to actually interview for it and I haven't done an interview since I started working at the birth center 16 years ago. So that's nerve wracking. Everyone is telling me I'll do fine. I'm not so sure. I should find out next week when the interview is. Wish me luck on that as well. 

Wednesday 3/8/23 Happy Birthday

 Today Ayden turned 16. It's crazy to think that he's that old. He's been driving and will get his license in August. He has a girlfriend. Just . . . crazy. He's a good kid. I wish his grades were better, but he's a good kid. 

I don't have that much to write about today. This past week has been . . . okay. Not great, but okay. Friday and yesterday I worked and actually felt somewhat decent. More like my old self. My non-depressed self. So that's good. Today I'm a little more down and feel like napping the day away. I did some drawing, started laundry, but I don't know what else to do with myself. I don't feel like reading, or painting, or doing anything. It's annoying. It is what I'm used to though. The no motivation and whatnot with depression. I just wish I was more "okay" today too. Oh well.

I drew a couple of foxes today. I'm still trying to work out a tattoo design. This is my favorite:

It's the one I'm leaning towards, even though it's not in color. We'll see. Probably won't get a new tat until we're back from Japan. 

That's really all I have for today.

Thursday 9/15/22 Therapy

 I had therapy today and it was basically me crying the whole time. Seriously. And I cried this morning and while driving and after therapy when I got home. Crying is my thing today. My head hurts and my eyes are swollen and sting. Really the only time I wasn't crying was while I volunteered this morning. And even then it was touch and go.

In therapy Mike and I talked about his retirement. And how I move on. Because this is a loss I have to grieve and I'm certainly in no position to grieve a loss right now. But we talked about it and that was helpful. He has another therapist in mind for me, one with his group, and he wants to ease me into working with her. And I'm perfectly okay with that. 

Man I wish I could stop crying.

I had to call in sick yesterday because of how bad I've been. Constant crying and anger. Legit uncontrolled rage. And then I cry over that. I'm so sick of feeling this way. It needs to stop because I can't handle it. I can't keep doing this. I see Mike again in 2 weeks. I told him I would try and wear regular clothes (I wore jammie pants and a t-shirt today). 

In other news, I've been painting quite a bit, both paintings and bookmarks. I'm going to have a booth at a craft fair in December so I need inventory! I challenged myself to NOT paint anything depressing. So I've been painting scenery mostly, along with some animals. Nothing depressing so far. Go me. Sometimes painting helps calm me. It helps me to forget for a short time just how crappy I feel.

In addition to crippling depression and rage, I've lost my appetite. Nothing sounds good. I have to force myself to eat because I really don't care if I do or not. I lost 4 pounds this week, just because I'm not eating. I know this isn't good, I know I need to eat. I'm getting dizzy and light headed because of lack of calories. But I just don't care. Preparing food is too much work. It's too overwhelming. And nothing sounds good. At all. 

It's been a really rough, difficult week. I have a tattoo consult tomorrow and that's like my only thing to look forward to. I need things to look forward to to keep me going. 

That's where I'm at. And it sucks.

 

Friday 9/9/22 Well, I painted a little

 Look at that - another week has gone by. There's nothing special going on, nothing new, really. I do, however, feel more depressed than last week. I'm getting worse. I'm crying more. I'm angry more. I just feel worse. And I'm getting brain zaps again (probably because the Lexapro is completely out of my system). It's not fun. This week has not been fun. 

I'm painting though. I'm painting mostly scenery pictures, pretty things. I'm trying to paint non-depressing things basically, in hopes that it helps my mental health.

It hasn't.

Well, I guess it does for a very short period of time when I'm actually painting. It distracts me from how I'm feeling for a little bit. So that's a win I suppose. 

Today I painted 24 bookmarks. Took me about 3 hours. I like them. 

Next Thursday I have therapy with Mike. I think it's my last session with him. I'm not looking forward to it. Especially with how much I'm crying at stupid stuff - I'll probably lose my shit when I have to say goodbye. It's going to be hard. 

And next Friday I have a consult for my next tattoo - a daffodil on my left forearm (and also a very thin wedding band on my ring finger). I'm looking forward to that at least. Something to keep me going. 

I don't feel like writing more. I feel like crap. That is all. 

Wednesday 3/9/22 Down

 I'm feeling pretty crappy today. Down, depressed, and blah. I woke up feeling this way. I felt this way yesterday. I'm hoping I don't feel this way tomorrow. 

I think I know part of the reason I'm feeling depressed - because I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I bought a 16 week workout plan to try something different to get in shape (it was $67 - so it's not like it broke the bank, but still). So why does that make me feel guilty? Because it was an impulse buy. And I keep impulse buying things. Like protein powder. I have 6 months worth of protein powder (or more). Or supplements. I keep trying different supplements. Or vitamin water. I keep impulse buying things that I don't really need (now, I use protein powder every day, along with the vitamin water . . . but I don't need so much of it). It's a problem. A real problem. Jeremy has pointed this out to me numerous times. And I know it's a problem. Little purchases add up. I need to stop. But it's like I can't. It's like my brain is being hijacked. I buy because I think it'll make me feel better. I get a little dopamine rush when I purchase something, and then another little rush when the item comes in the mail. It is, quite frankly, like an addiction. One that I need to stop. 

Why am I like this? Why do I have to be this way?? I hate it about myself. And I beat myself up over it and that makes me feel worse. Then what happens? I buy something to try and make myself feel better and the cycle starts again. I see this happening. I know it's happening. And I can't seem to stop it. I don't know how to stop it. I guess I'm going to start asking Jeremy every time before I buy something. Ask permission almost. Because then maybe he can talk some sense into me. Though I'm embarrassed to have to do that. Which makes me feel worse. I hate this. So. Much. I hate that I'm like this. Weak. 

In other news, I'm going to be volunteering at the riding center again. It's now called Stable Strides (it used to be Pikes Peak Therapeutic Riding Center). So I'm going to be volunteering, working with kids with disabilities and playing with horses. I'm very much looking forward to it. Mainly the playing with horses part, if I'm honest. But it'll be good for me. Of course, much to Jeremy's dismay, I'll need to buy a couple of volunteer shirts to wear on the days that I'm there. And I'd like a hoodie for the chilly days (there I go, spending more money). My orientation is on April 2nd (I need to go through orientation again because it's been 6 years since I volunteered there). 

I also decided on a design for my next tattoo, the one to cover my self harm scars - it'll be Chance, my therapy horse. He was my special boy and I think that he'll be perfect to cover my scars. I did a quick painting of how I want it to look - grey scale with just a hint of color on Chance's halter and the cherry blossoms. 

Here's the original photo:

I don't know when I'll be able to get it done, however. I just got a new tattoo last week, and we're having to rebuild our deck. So it may be awhile. That's okay though - I can wait. Maybe a little impatiently, but I can wait. 

And I need to stop buying things in order for me to be able to get it. That's a stipulation I'm putting on myself. If I want my new tattoo I can't impulse buy stuff. And I need to check with Jeremy before I buy anything. Two stipulations. That I must follow. 

Anyway, I guess that's all. I hate myself right now and I feel like crap. 

Monday 11/15/21 Look, it's Monday

 Well it's Monday. A new week. A new start. A new day. 

I'm off today, having worked the last 3 days (and of course I work tomorrow). I haven't done anything today except start laundry. I plan on doing the dishes as well, but I don't know if much else will get accomplished. I've been doing a lot of sitting and staring off into space. I have no motivation. Surprise! That's the story of my life right now. No motivation. Feeling down. Accomplishing nothing. 

I'm over it.

But I don't know what to do about it. I really don't. I'm trying, I really am. And I'm failing. Everything that I did in my mental and emotional mastery program . . . it's not helping. Thinking positively . . . not helping. Trying to change habits . . . not helping. Forcing myself to do things . . . not helping. Praying . . . not helping. I'm at my wits end. 

I'm supposed to see my psychiatrist in December. Maybe I should see him sooner. Maybe I should go back up on my Wellbutrin (I'm on 150mg - I used to be on 300mg). Maybe I should see my therapist. Maybe I should do all of this. And continue doing everything else. Throw everything I can at this. I'm tenacious. I'm not giving up. And I'm not going back to being depressed. I'm not. It's not an option. 

The past 4 days I've been a lifeline for a friend who's going through a rough patch. A really rough patch. She reached out to me and I've been trying to help her. Giving her words of encouragement, pulling her back from the ledge. She asked me about my sparrows and I sketched one for her which she got tattooed on her yesterday. She had a ketamine infusion today and is starting to feel a little bit better. Her trials remind me of what I've gone through in the past. And what I could potentially go through again. It scares me. I'm so glad I can be there for her though. It helps to have someone who understands. 

Today I'm down and flat. I just want to sleep. Take a nap until hubby gets home and we go to the gym. Because yeah, I'm forcing myself to go to the gym. I have to. I'll feel worse if I don't go. I'm trying to eat healthy again and count my macros. I'm trying to make working out a habit. I'm trying. 

Anyway, here's my friend's little sparrow:

Sparrows are a symbol of hope for me. I have a few tattooed on me, too. Hopefully this little sparrow can help guide my friend out of the dark. 

Wednesday 10/13/21 More Tattoo Concept Art

 Well, well, well . . . it seems another week has gone by. It's been, actually, a very unproductive week for me. Mostly thanks to work and being lazy on my days off. It's all thanks to that, let's be honest. I've been feeling rather lazy as of late. Take this morning for example: got up at 7, took the boy to school, had breakfast and coffee, then laid back down for another hour before showering. And now I'm blogging instead of sewing or painting or cleaning. Lazy. I think I kind of need it though. Because of reasons. 

I had my yearly physical on Monday, so much fun. My doc felt some lumps in my right breast, one of which I knew was there (it's been biopsied before and has a marker in it), but there's a couple more now. It's been two years since my last mammogram, so hooray! I get to have another one done! It's scheduled for Nov. 9th. Otherwise I got a clean bill of health. She wants my labs to be drawn in February so that it's been a full year since the last time I had them done. I asked about the feelings of malaise I've been getting, and the headaches, every day for over a month now. She thinks it's probably diet related. Most likely sugar. Granted, in the past month and a half I have been eating a TON more sugar. A lot more than before I had my tooth pulled the end of August, so that kinda makes sense. So I guess I gotta cut back again. Which sucks because sugar is tasty. Oh well. 

I came up with a new tattoo concept for my left forearm which I really love. It's a fox, of course, and should fit nicely over my scars. 

I'm really digging this design. Like, I'm pretty positive this is it. This is my next tattoo. Now I just have to save up some money (cause tattoos are expensive, duh). But yeah, I'm stoked. 

The other day I texted my therapist just to check in, let him know how I was doing and that I appreciate him so much. He wrote me back that it warms his heart that I wrote him. Which warms my heart so much! I think it's actually been about a year since I last saw him and it's still weird to me to not be seeing him at least monthly. I'm doing so well though that I'd really have nothing to talk about, other than just shooting the shit (which, let's be honest, I would totally do with him). 

That's pretty much been the last week. Work is work. I'm still burnt out and now our unit is staffing the rest of the hospital. Every single day at least one or more people are floated to other units. Which really sucks and is annoying. I haven't floated for a few months so I know my time is coming. Probably tomorrow. I hate floating. We all do. It sucks. But there's nothing I can do about it, so I might as well not get my panties in a bunch over it.  

Friday 9/17/21

 Well, another week has gone by and there's nothing really exciting going on. Like, nothing exciting. Work and work and more work. And some time drawing and painting and sewing. There's a toy con in December that I'm thinking about getting a booth at so I need to have product for that, right? So that means I've got to stay busy on my days off drawing and painting and sewing. I really could have used a nap today but I didn't. I did 5 paintings and sewed two little owls instead. Which makes 7 owls I've made. Although I sold 2 of them so now I only have 5. They're cute little things. But anyway . . .

I still feel burnt out at work. It's just so stupidly busy. I already need another break. I have around 240 PTO hours so I can certainly afford to take one. But I neglected to do so on the next schedule so I'm shit out of luck for awhile. The holidays are coming up and everyone has requested time off so I'll be hard pressed to get something. Maybe I'll do what I did in August and take a day off here and there so I have a longer span of time off. We'll see. I need to though. 

My birthday is next Saturday. I want to get another tattoo for it (if you saw last week's post you know what I'm leaning towards). I just have to convince hubby to let me get it sooner rather than later. 

Ugh. That's it I guess. Nothing else going on.

Friday 9/10/21 Tattoo Concepts

 I've been thinking for a long time about whether or not I want to cover my self harm scars on my left forearm. Part of me has always thought that they're a part of my story, and therefor I shouldn't cover them. After all - they're part of me. But the rest of me is a little ashamed of the scars and finds them to be ugly and stigmatizing. People look at you different when they see that you've cut yourself. Maybe they look at you with pity or, often, a hint of disgust. So I've thought long and hard over the past several months and have decided that I want to cover them - with a tattoo of course! I think tattoos (especially now) are more socially acceptable than self harm scars. 

Now, I'm not even sure my scars can be covered well. That's something I need to talk with my tattoo artist about. See, I have quite a few scars on the underside of my left forearm. But I've seen other scars - ones larger and more raised than mine - covered. And that's what I'd like to do. I have two concept drawings in the running. Both are foxes. I happen to love foxes. They are gorgeous creatures. I've used them in my personal art before. 

First up, my watercolor fox:

I truly love how this came out. But, as much as I love it, I'm leaning towards my second fox:

Black and grey. I think this will hide the scars better than my watercolor version. And I just really love it. 

We'll see what my artist has  to say about them both. I'd be happy with either, quite honestly. 

In other news, not much has been going on. Work is busy. It's always busy. I'm trying to make stuff - paintings, bookmarks, plushies. I need to have stuff if I'm going to sell at a con, right? I tried sewing today, tried to make a few small owls, but luck and skill was not on my side today. My sewing machine kept jamming and snagging the fabric, which royally pissed me off. So I decided to sew a sock rat, which is mostly hand sewing. That was disasterous. But I finished him. And I got 3 owls partially done. Along with drawing my black and grey fox. So that's something at least.  

Thursday 7/29/21 I got my tattoo!

 Holy cow y'all! July is almost over! This summer has flown by! Just, really flown by. It's hard to believe that my son will be starting high school on August 16th - that's not far away. It's crazy. But it's happening. 

In other news, yes, I'm still burnt out at work. It's been a little better, but I'm still burnt out. This week is Monday, Wednesday, and Friday (although I was asked if I'd work today too - I declined). This week has been ever so slightly slower, but still busy in the big scheme of things. Still looking forward to my time off in August. 

Also, today has been weird. I woke up feeling weak and lightheaded and stayed that way all morning. I was planning on getting on the spin bike and doing legs, but I couldn't. Just walking bills out to the mailbox made me short of breath and feeling like I was going to pass out. I don't know what was up. I've also had the trots today, all morning really. That seems to have subsided now. Thank goodness! I don't like feeling how I was. I thought maybe low blood sugar or low blood pressure, but I have no way to test those theories. I've eaten breakfast and lunch and am feeling a bit better now, but still like I have no energy. Which is annoying. I want to be able to workout. 

And, like the title says, I did get my tattoo last Friday! I love it! I went with a new artist this time around and couldn't be happier. It only took 2 hours and didn't hurt at all. 

This was taken two days after having it done (it's currently in the peeling stage). My little chickadee. This is on the top of my right forearm. Pretty darn cool, right? It's my own artwork, as are most of my tattoos. 

Tuesday 7/20/21 Been a Minute

 It's been a couple weeks since I last wrote. No real reason really, just nothing much to say I guess. 

I'm so burnt out at work. It's been so busy and I've been working my call shifts in addition to my regular shifts. I need a break. A real break. I'm taking ten days off the end of August (for getting my tooth pulled) and it can't come fast enough. I'm at the point where I practically dread going into work. I work the next two days and I wish I didn't. I'm so tired of work. I'm so burnt out. And I don't know what to do about it. I know everybody gets this way about their job from time to time . . . it's just that I've felt this way for the past several months with no end in sight. I'm crankier. I don't connect as much with my patients. And I'm losing patience. I'm just so tired. It's hard to find the joy in what I do right now. Maybe if it wasn't so damn busy all the time. Maybe if we weren't short staffed every single day. Maybe if I could just take a break. I don't know. But I'm sick of feeling this way. 

In my last post I believe I talked about joining Warrior Babe Blueprint - a nutrition and fitness program. I've watched quite a few of the modules now and I'm counting my macros. I'm working out consistently. And I lost four pounds this past week. It's pretty awesome. I'm on my way to a new, healthier, sustainable lifestyle. And I'm thankful for that. I've learned a lot through the modules and I'm now applying it to my life. I'm going to crush my weight loss goals!

This Friday I'm getting my next tattoo - a chickadee on a pine tree branch. It's weird, but I haven't gotten really excited about it. I think because I'm thinking that something is going to happen so that I can't get it. Which would suck. Because I really want this tattoo. I'm sure Friday morning I'll be excited. 

Also, the past couple of weeks I've been having more twangs of anxiety. They don't last long, but they're there. And it's annoying. I'm feeling anxious right now in fact. Which is super dumb because I'm just sitting on the couch typing this. Nothing else is going on. I mean, WTF brain?? What's up with this??

This post wouldn't be complete without me writing something about my grandpa. See, my grandpa has been deteriorating rapidly the past week or so. He has congestive heart failure and 3rd stage kidney failure. And, I guess, dementia. He has been acting erratically and was even sent to a psych hospital for suicidal and homicidal ideation. He punched a nurse there. They sent him back to the medical hospital because of his declining health. He remains there. My mom and her hubby are driving out to see him and help my grandma move into an assisted living facility. I don't know what's going to come of all of this. My grandpa is in bad shape and it would probably be best for him to pass. I hate to say that, but it's true. I know this has added stress to my life, even though I'm not particularly close to him. He's still family and this is rough. 

So I'm burnt out, with added family stress and anxiety resurfacing. No wonder I'm feeling like crap. I'm trying to prioritize self care, with naps and working out high up there on the list. 

I guess that's it for today.

Wednesday 6/30/21 Dentist Fun

 Does anyone really like going to the dentist? I certainly don't. Even for cleanings. But I went to the dentist on Monday for tooth pain. My lower left molar, the one that's furthest back. Now, ten months ago this tooth cracked and I had a root canal done with a crown put on. Root canals are not pleasant. No one wants a root canal. And I have TMJ pretty bad so keeping my mouth wide open for an hour and a half was torture (even though they used a bite block). So I had this done and have had pain in that tooth since. It's not constant and some days are worse than others. Last week I had excruciating pain and decided it was high time I went back to the dentist (I saw the dentist and endodontist after the root canal for pain and was told to "just wait longer"). Well, my tooth hasn't healed. And there's shadowing in my jaw bone (apparently that's bad). I was given two choices: have them drill into the side of my jaw, scrape everything out, and fill it with more sealant (which I was told probably won't heal since I didn't heal from the root canal), or have my tooth pulled. I don't like either choice. At all. But I opted to go for having my tooth pulled. Of course, my dentist can't do it. No, I have to go to an oral surgeon to have it pulled. Under anesthesia. Because the extraction is "sure to be brutal because of how much sealant I have in that tooth". Um, what? My dentist further told me that I would need 3-5 days off after having the tooth pulled because I would be in "so much pain I won't be able to work". Oh joy. This just keeps getting better and better. And I can only have soft foods for at least two weeks after. To say I'm not looking forward to this is an understatement. But I scheduled it, for August 24th. That way I can work that Sunday and Monday (22nd and 23rd) and use a day of vacation so I have a full week off after having it done. I'm not one for mouth pain. I'm kind of a wuss in that department. Yeah I know I've had pain the last 10 months, but it's been more of a dull companion than anything else. When it got bad I went in. So I get to have a tooth pulled. Which, even though you won't be able to see it (since it's a molar), makes me feel, I don't know, weird. I'll get over it, I'm sure. 

Tomorrow is July, which is crazy! Time is flying by! I'm glad though because July 23rd I get my new tattoo. Something to look forward to. Because I don't think we're really going to do anything this summer. No big vacation or anything. Even getting away for a night or two proves hard to do when you have no one to watch your dog. It's okay though. We can take a couple of day trips. That's better than nothing. 

That's about it. There's nothing much else going on. Work and naps. No motivation. Same old, same old. 

 

Tuesday 6/22/21 Two Weeks

 Wow. It's been two weeks since my last post. I meant to blog last week but just didn't get around to it. Maybe because there's nothing much exciting going on.

Work is still busy and we're back to mandatory floating again. Which sucks. I hate floating to other units. But the whole hospital is busy. In fact, most days we're at capacity. On all units. And there have been a lot of psych patients apparently because our nurses and CNAs are floating to be "sitters" (you basically "sit" in the patient's room and watch them if they're a risk to themselves or others). Great fun. Ugh. But you do what you gotta do I guess. It just sucks. 

My brain is still being an asshole on occasion. If I'm busy I seem to do okay. But when I have downtime I tend to trend downwards. I've had a couple days where I've been pretty down. Depressive symptoms. Which really annoys me. I'm fighting it as much as I can because I don't want to lose my foothold on stability. So I fight it. And sometimes fighting it means taking a nap. Sometimes I need to escape. 

I saw my psychiatrist today, I haven't seen him in 7 months. He's very happy with how well I'm doing. We're not changing any of my meds and I'll see him again in 6 months (sooner, of course, if I need to, but I'm hoping I don't). Being on the Wellbutrin I'm still having trouble peeing. I can pee, it just takes me a couple of minutes to start going sometimes (usually worse at night). Dr. M said that now I know what it feels like to be an old man with an enlarged prostate! Yes, I guess I can sympathize now. Ha! We had a good laugh over that. Although, that's something I'd rather not sympathize with . . .

Aaaaaand, I'm getting my next tattoo July 23rd! Hooray!! I'm so excited! I'm seeing a new artist (my old one can't be bothered to call me back). He's a little more pricey but I think he'll be worth it. His work is amazing. Soon I'll have a little chickadee on my forearm. I can't wait! I wish I was getting it sooner, but I guess I can wait a month (I really have no choice . . . ). 

On the weight loss front I seem to be stuck where I'm at. Nineteen pounds lost. I had started a new plan called G Plans and since I've been following it I haven't lost any weight. It's very frustrating. It has me eating quite a bit of food. Too much I think. I know it's supposed to "ignite my fat burning potential", but now I'm just stuck. For two weeks now. I'm thinking I might stray off of it and do what I was doing before - modified paleo diet, cutting refined carbs and sugars, and watching my calories. Admittedly, I need to move more. In some manner I need to be working out. I still haven't started my yoga app and I've slipped behind on my face yoga. Last week I did however use my spin bike twice. It's a start. I'll get there. I know I will. One way or another.  

Tuesday 6/8/21 My brain, the asshole

 Sometimes my brain can be an asshole. But we know this - I'm bipolar. So really it's no surprise. But the past week I've had several down days, which is annoying, to say the least. Mostly I feel blah. But Sunday I felt down. Like, down. For no reason. I woke up feeling that way. So down I didn't want to go to church. But I went, and I'm glad I did because it helped a little. I found a perfect pinecone outside of our church and it helped lift my spirits a little bit. Then yesterday at work I was okay. My mood was pretty good.

Today though, today is not a good day. I'm cranky and annoyed with everything and feel down and blah all at the same time. I'm not in a good place today. And what doesn't help is that I just got off the phone with my mom. She called at 10:30 - in the morning - and she's already drunk. I have a very strained relationship with her (that's putting it lightly). And trying to talk to her when she's been drinking is horrendous. I can't. Fucking. Stand it. I'm not the best talking to her when she's sober (and, let's be honest, that's a rare thing), so dealing with her when she's drunk . . . let's just say it tries my patience. But I was the good daughter and talked to her on the phone, which really consists of me listening to her slur her words and complain about everything that is wrong in her life. She even complains about things that are good in her life. Everything is horrible and nothing is okay. It's exhausting and draining to have to listen to her and not lash out. So many of her problems would be solved if she didn't drink all day every day. 

But I digress. 

I tried to motivate myself this morning. To do something. Anything physical. I don't have the motivation. I don't have the drive. It's like I just don't care. But I did my face yoga (oh yeah - I started doing face yoga), and I stretched. It's all I could bring myself to do. On Thursday I'm going to try and do 10 minutes on the spin bike. Just 10. Start small. Make it a habit. Then increase my time gradually. That's my plan. Today I stretched, Thursday I'll do the spin bike. And then I'll try actual yoga. I mentioned last week that I had downloaded an app for yoga. Well, I have yet to use it. It intimidates me. So I'll start small. I'll build up. I'll get there. 

And today I emailed a guy about my next tattoo. I'm starting the process. Hopefully I can get my next one soon. Sooner rather than later. Hopefully it won't take long for this guy to get back to me. 

Anyway, that's about it. I had a lovely four day weekend this past weekend (except for my mood). There was much relaxing. And a drive up Rampart Range Rd into the mountains. Which I thoroughly enjoyed. The end.   

Tuesday 6/1/21 I Got Nothing

 It's hard to believe it's June already. It certainly doesn't feel like it - 1. because May went by so quickly, and, 2. the weather has been chilly and rainy most of May so it doesn't feel like summer. But here it is, June 1st. Hubby turns 44 in two days. Haha! He's old! But then, so am I. 

It's also kind of weird that I have nothing much to talk about. There isn't much going on. We had a garage sale this past Saturday which - surprise - got rained out. We're selling all of our Halloween decorations. All of them. There's a lot. We've sold a decent percentage but there's still more to go. Quite a bit more to go. Ugh. Eventually we'll sell them all. 

As of Saturday I've lost 19 pounds. Go me! This is a huge accomplishment for me. And all of this is just from changing my eating habits - I haven't been to the gym in about a month and a half. Crazy. I'm changing that this week. I'm going to get my butt moving again. In fact, I downloaded a yoga app on my phone and I'm going to start using it. And lifting weights. And doing cardio. I'll probably have to start slow, but that's okay. As long as I'm moving. 

I've almost got hubby convinced to let me get my tattoo . . . I got an extra $200 from work for picking up extra days (as a thank you from my boss), so I need about $400 more, to be on the safe side. I told him it could be an early birthday gift for me :D So we'll see. Hopefully I'll be able to get it this summer. 

In other news, I was called off today from work which is very nice. I have lots of PTO to kill - I have as much as I can have and I can't accrue more until I use some. I like getting paid to sit at home. Though I am a little bored . . . oh well. Go to the gym this afternoon and maybe get on the spin bike. 

That's about it. There's nothing new or exciting going on.

The End.

Tuesday 5/25/21 I Need Ink

 Well it's Tuesday again, funny how that happens. 

So there's not much new in my world, I'm really rather boring. Hubby got a new car (at least new to us). This was Saturday. A 2013 Toyota Venza. It's silver, fully loaded, all wheel drive . . . a real nice ride. He's been wanting a Venza for years so this is pretty cool. It's super comfy, too. 

I've discovered that junk food doesn't agree with me any more. Since I've been eating healthier and mostly clean, my tummy does NOT tolerate junk (think fast food, refined sugar, fried foods . . . ). I get crampy and gassy and yes, diarrhea. So much fun! I mean, I guess it's good, right? No longer eating junk is good (and has helped me lose 18 pounds so far), and with getting the bubble guts I have a good deterrent to junk food. But MAN would I like a greasy Culver's burger and side of cheese curds! Even my beloved Chic fil a does me wrong now. Ugh. Oh well, healthy eating it is. I've been thinking of taking a food sensitivity test though, to see if there's something specific I'm reacting to (ya know, like gluten or dairy). We'll see. 

In other news, I'm jonesing for some new ink. On the top part of my right forearm. I just need to convince hubby that I need another tattoo. I've even designed it! I did 3 different paintings: two of a chickadee with cherry blossoms and one with a chickadee on a pine tree branch. The cherry blossoms are okay, but I love the one I painted today.

Chickadee on a pine tree branch! Some back story - I love chickadees. They remind me of my dad. Because growing up I would spend the weekends with him and I loved watching and listening to the chickadees up in the mountains. And pine trees remind me of the mountains too, for obvious reasons. And while I do love cherry blossoms, I just happen to like this painting the best out of all of them. So I do believe, with about 90% certainty, that this is my next tattoo. Now I just have to get hubby on board.

There's nothing much else going on. I had to call in sick to work on Saturday because of said bubble guts. Yesterday I helped deliver a 27 week old baby (40 weeks is term). She was super tiny - not quite 2 pounds! It was pretty awesome. My mood has still been holding steady, doing good. And our weather is finally feeling like spring but I'm still wearing my hoodie today because for some reason I'm FREEZING. I need to go sit out in the sun.

Tuesday 2/16/21 Finally, My Tattoo

 Well, last Wednesday my magpie tattoo was finally finished! Hooray!!! I absolutely LOVE it! I gotta say though, it hurt like the dickens. I mean, it hurt bad. And it hurt bad for several days after, too. But it's worth it because it's beautiful (at least I think so). 

This pic was taken the day after getting inked. It was tender AF. I really love it though. It matches my painting amazingly! My tattoo artist, Don, never ceases to amaze me. And now I'm working on my next tattoo - a dove with cherry blossoms. I've kind of decided that I want to sleeve out my right arm with birds. Because, well, birds. I love birds. But I'm not just picking random birds - they all have meaning behind them and they are all my own work. Two magpies, for example, represent joy. And I have felt nothing but joy in my life since finding stability. My sparrows remind me that God is watching over me for "His eye is on the sparrow, so I know He watches me". And a dove, well, a dove represents the Holy Spirit (and I just really love cherry blossoms). So yeah. Meaning.

The dove will go on the inside of my right arm, just below the crook of my elbow. I'm trying to decide what will go on the top of my forearm. I'm leaning towards a sparrow in flight with daffodils or dandelions (I also love daffodils and dandelions). But we'll see. Tattoos are expensive and I'll need time to save up for them. 

In other news, I'm still crazy tired. I worked 4 of the last 5 days and all of them were busy. I slept in today, had breakfast and coffee, and then laid back down again for an hour. And I still feel like I need to nap. I'm sick and tired of this fatigue. I'm thinking I probably should see the doctor for it. I'm just being stubborn, hoping it will pass. But it's not. I'll discuss with hubs today and maybe call tomorrow to set up an appointment. 

Nothing much else going on except for ridiculously cold temperatures, which needs to take a hike because I'm sick of it and I want warmth and sunshine. I mean, it's been cold - in the negatives the past several days. Even the overhead sprinkler system at the hospital froze and burst yesterday, flooding part of the ground level. Oy. That's cold! Spring time where are you??

Tuesday 2/9/21 Tired

 As the title says, I'm tired. I've been exhausted for around 3-4 weeks now. Feeling run down, sore, stiff, and sleepy. I can't seem to get enough sleep. Pretty much every day I don't work I take a nap. I feel as though I absolutely have to take one to function. At work I down coffee and try to stay busy (not difficult with the baby boom going on). But I'm just. So. Tired.

I've thought about going to the doctor for my fatigue, but I'm pretty sure what he's going to say: it's your fibromyalgia. You're in a flare up. It'll pass. I've wondered about that - if it's fibromyalgia. I've been diagnosed with it, but I don't typically have the symptoms that go with it. Well, I did when I was diagnosed, and it would appear I do now as well. But I still remain skeptical. Wondering if it's my thyroid or something. 

My muscles and joints are stiff. My skin seems . . . sensitive. And I feel sore, as if I've had a good workout (which, sadly, I haven't). And then the fatigue. The tiredness. Literally aching to lie down and sleep. It's weird - I used to sleep to get a break from my depression. But I'm not depressed - not even close. I feel like I need to sleep to function. Like I'm so tired I can't possible make it through the day without a nap. 

I haven't really talked about this with my hubby. I'm sure he's noticed me sleeping more, taking more naps. But I haven't brought it up. I'm not sure why. I know part of me feels guilty about it. I feel kind of stupid and weak because of it. I don't want him to think that I'm getting depressed again, or, worse, that I'm making this up.

Oy vey. I hate it, that's for sure. I could be so much more productive if I wasn't dragging myself around and napping. I want to be more productive. I want this to go away. 

Well, let's shift gears a moment. Be more positive. I should be - finally - getting my magpie tattoo finished tomorrow. I'm excited about it! I so badly want to see it finished with all the blues and greens in it. So that's tomorrow. And I've been drawing out some ideas for my next tattoo, a dove. I'd like to have my right arm sleeved out with birds. Some day . . . 

Here are my ideas:

This first one is the one I'm leaning towards. I love it. The next one (below) is the runner up.

It's a close runner up, as I really like it as well. The third one I'm just kinda "meh" about.

It's not bad, I just like the other two more.

And a note about work: the first 9 days of February have been ridiculously busy. Like, busy y'all. So many babies. I think all the Covid pregnancies are starting to deliver. We've been full pretty much every day.