Wednesday 7/1/26 Some Health Stuff

 Hola y'all, how's it going? Been a couple of months again so here's a life update . . .

I went to my doctor's office a few weeks ago as I have been experiencing ridiculous fatigue. Like, it's bad. I can't make it through the day without a nap and/or obscene amounts of caffeine. In addition I've been getting headaches daily, along with swollen lymph nodes, a sore throat, a feeling like I'm *maybe* getting sick but I never do, and night sweats. My doc initially was thinking lymphoma except I don't have unexplained weight loss (dang it!). We talked at length about my symptoms and he wanted me to start Allegra and Pepcid daily, thinking maybe the swollen lymph nodes and sore throat were allergies, and to do some lab work. So I did that. The lymph node swelling and sore throat have dies down considerably, even though I stopped taking the meds a week and a half ago (I took them for about a week). My blood work showed a normal CBC, which is good. However, my iron levels are elevated and UIBC level is low, which points to hemochromotosis (which could explain the fatigue). So doc wanted me to have genetic testing done to see if I have the mutation that causes hemochromotosis. Cool. Did that. And I don't have the gene mutation. Which means my body is holding on to iron for some unknown reason, which can be bad. If my body starts depositing the excess iron onto my organs, say my liver, spleen, and heart, bad things can happen. Like heart disease, diabetes, overt organ failure . . . It's not ideal. So what do I get to do? Wait. Yep, wait, and have my iron levels drawn again in 2-3 months. I'm less than pleased with this option. I figured I'd get a referral to hematology for more testing. But no, we wait instead. Ugh.

So I'm trying a different approach. See, I'm in perimenopause. Have been for probably a couple of years. Hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, irritability, NO libido, vaginal dryness (probably TMI - suck it up). And then my fatigue is getting progressively worse. Then I remembered a coworker talking about her horrible fatigue and how starting hormone therapy helped immensly. Maybe perimenopause is what's really causing my fatigue and the high iron is just a fluke. So I made an appointment with my coworker's OB/GYN (whom I also happen to work with at the birth center I work at). Sadly, though, that appointment isn't until September 1st. That was the first available spot with her. Which sucks royally. But hey, I'll take it. 

In the meantime, I have switched to an iron free multivitamin and am going to avoid dietary iron as much as I can (which basically means less red meat - even though I rarely eat it anyway). And I guess I just plug along and power through, taking naps when I can and drinking obscene amounts of caffeine. Which I kinda hate doing but the days I work (12 hour shifts) I literally hurt I'm so tired. I don't know what else to do. 

Maybe my iron levels will level out in 2-3 months on an iron free vitamin. And maybe I'll start hormone replacement therapy. And maybe I'll start to feel better. I'm hoping this is the case because how I've been feeling really sucks. Fatigue and headaches daily. It's not fun. 

And as this has been going on I've been working more than usual (I've worked every single one of my call shifts and have picked up extra on top of that). It's been stupid busy and there's no end in sight. Even over this holiday weekend we're going to be busy (and I work Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and on call Monday). This just makes my fatigue worse. I spend my days off trying to recuperate. And I've had terrible art block as well. Usually my art is a welcome release for me, something I immensly enjoy. But no. I don't feel creative, just oh so tired. I hate this. 

Oh well. Hopefully in a couple of months I'll have more answers and will be feeling better. Fingers crossed.

Tuesday 3/16/21 A Winter Storm

 I have a day off! Yay! I worked this past Saturday, Sunday, and Monday (three 12 hour shifts in a row is tiring) and I have today off before working again Wednesday and Thursday. Ugh. I'm drained. I slept in this morning, had breakfast and coffee, and then went back to bed for an hour. Took a nice long shower and I feel somewhat human again. It was a long weekend. And I lost an hour of sleep Sunday because of daylight savings. And we had a blizzard. It wasn't too crazy of a blizzard, but it definitely made driving home Sunday night dangerous (it was almost white out conditions with the blowing snow). I almost had to stay the night at work Sunday night as the hospital called an "external disaster" alarm. So I couldn't leave until my relief showed up. Thankfully she did and I could go home. 

So remember my lab work? I saw my doc last Thursday and my iron ratio was high (45% is the upper limit and I'm at 60%). So she drew an iron level to see if that was elevated too. Luckily, it came back within the normal range. Which is nice because the only way to treat high iron levels is blood letting. Seriously. I'd have to donate blood at least monthly to keep high levels down (high levels of iron can damage the liver and the kidneys - it's called hemachromatosis). I still may have hemachromatosis, but my levels aren't high enough to need to be treated. So that is wonderful news! 

I've still been feeling fatigued, I still have my other symptoms, but for now we're just "watching" them. Doc doesn't want to do a sleep study yet (which I'm thankful for because I was not looking forward to that). But it's still frustrating. I don't want to have to feel this way. I was having hot flashes at work yesterday. It was pretty miserable. But, We'll wait and see how it goes I guess. I'm most likely in peri menopause. Damn I'm old!

Paleo is still going well. I meal planned lunches, made some healthy dinners. I'm not craving sugar as much as I thought I would, which is a miracle. It makes the whole going paleo thing a lot more feasible.

I have no new artwork to share. I haven't been feeling creative for the past 3 or more weeks. I was going to force myself this week but all I'm doing is working. Maybe Friday. We'll see. 

Tuesday 2/23/21 Still Tired

Hi there. I'm still tired. Exhausted would be a more appropriate term, I think. And cold. My hands and feet are freezing, I'm in my hoodie, despite it being 62 degrees out (it's a gorgeous day). My hair seems to be thinning and I'm experiencing BO like I'm a teenager going through puberty again. WTF, body?? Seriously, it's ridiculous. Not to mention the muscle soreness and joint pain (thankfully mild). 

I have an appointment with my doctor this Friday. I'm sure I'll have lots of lab work drawn. I want to have lots of lab work drawn. I want to know what's going on. I have my suspicions. Sub-clinical hypothyroid is my top guess. Why subclinical? Well, I think my thyroid hormones will be within the normal range, but at the far end - not in the middle. I think this because my values always seem to be "normal" - I can't just have a clear cut answer. Which is annoying. But my symptoms match hypothyroidism. 

Though I have a feeling that my symptoms may be blamed on fibromyalgia. And who knows - maybe it really is fibromyalgia. But I think because of the muscle pain my doc might lean this way. And I could be totally off base. Who knows. 

There is a little worry in the back of my head though. A little worry that gets a little larger each day. Because I catch myself staring absently into space. Because I catch myself sighing heavily. Because I catch myself having more negative thoughts. 

Depression.

What if what I'm experiencing is depression trying to seep back into my life? I'm worried because I'm off of Welbutrin - I haven't taken it for a week now.  What if the Welbutrin was actually the reason I was feeling better and now that I'm off of it my depression is coming back. Slowly. Insidiously. What if . . .

The thing is, I don't feel depressed. I still feel happy. I still feel joyful. I don't have that emptiness in me that was all too consuming when I was depressed. But I still have that little worry. And I don't want it to be depression, obviously. And I don't want my doc to immediately jump to this conclusion because of my past. I want thorough testing done. I want all avenues checked before we make a diagnosis. I want this desperately not to be depression. 

I guess we'll see though. See what the doc says. And I'm not seeing my regular doc, btw. I'm seeing one of the PAs. Seeing my regular doc would have put my appointment time a month and a half away, instead of a week. Maybe fresh eyes will have a different perspective. 

I'm sick of feeling like this though. I want to be awake. I want to have energy. I don't want to be sore. I don't want to be cold or sweaty. Ugh. I want to feel how I did 3 months ago.

Anyway, I think I have my final version of my dove tattoo all painted out. It's a dove with cherry blossoms. And I'm really digging it.

Now I just gotta save up money . . . Sell some paintings and/or plushies. 

Tuesday 2/16/21 Finally, My Tattoo

 Well, last Wednesday my magpie tattoo was finally finished! Hooray!!! I absolutely LOVE it! I gotta say though, it hurt like the dickens. I mean, it hurt bad. And it hurt bad for several days after, too. But it's worth it because it's beautiful (at least I think so). 

This pic was taken the day after getting inked. It was tender AF. I really love it though. It matches my painting amazingly! My tattoo artist, Don, never ceases to amaze me. And now I'm working on my next tattoo - a dove with cherry blossoms. I've kind of decided that I want to sleeve out my right arm with birds. Because, well, birds. I love birds. But I'm not just picking random birds - they all have meaning behind them and they are all my own work. Two magpies, for example, represent joy. And I have felt nothing but joy in my life since finding stability. My sparrows remind me that God is watching over me for "His eye is on the sparrow, so I know He watches me". And a dove, well, a dove represents the Holy Spirit (and I just really love cherry blossoms). So yeah. Meaning.

The dove will go on the inside of my right arm, just below the crook of my elbow. I'm trying to decide what will go on the top of my forearm. I'm leaning towards a sparrow in flight with daffodils or dandelions (I also love daffodils and dandelions). But we'll see. Tattoos are expensive and I'll need time to save up for them. 

In other news, I'm still crazy tired. I worked 4 of the last 5 days and all of them were busy. I slept in today, had breakfast and coffee, and then laid back down again for an hour. And I still feel like I need to nap. I'm sick and tired of this fatigue. I'm thinking I probably should see the doctor for it. I'm just being stubborn, hoping it will pass. But it's not. I'll discuss with hubs today and maybe call tomorrow to set up an appointment. 

Nothing much else going on except for ridiculously cold temperatures, which needs to take a hike because I'm sick of it and I want warmth and sunshine. I mean, it's been cold - in the negatives the past several days. Even the overhead sprinkler system at the hospital froze and burst yesterday, flooding part of the ground level. Oy. That's cold! Spring time where are you??

Tuesday 2/9/21 Tired

 As the title says, I'm tired. I've been exhausted for around 3-4 weeks now. Feeling run down, sore, stiff, and sleepy. I can't seem to get enough sleep. Pretty much every day I don't work I take a nap. I feel as though I absolutely have to take one to function. At work I down coffee and try to stay busy (not difficult with the baby boom going on). But I'm just. So. Tired.

I've thought about going to the doctor for my fatigue, but I'm pretty sure what he's going to say: it's your fibromyalgia. You're in a flare up. It'll pass. I've wondered about that - if it's fibromyalgia. I've been diagnosed with it, but I don't typically have the symptoms that go with it. Well, I did when I was diagnosed, and it would appear I do now as well. But I still remain skeptical. Wondering if it's my thyroid or something. 

My muscles and joints are stiff. My skin seems . . . sensitive. And I feel sore, as if I've had a good workout (which, sadly, I haven't). And then the fatigue. The tiredness. Literally aching to lie down and sleep. It's weird - I used to sleep to get a break from my depression. But I'm not depressed - not even close. I feel like I need to sleep to function. Like I'm so tired I can't possible make it through the day without a nap. 

I haven't really talked about this with my hubby. I'm sure he's noticed me sleeping more, taking more naps. But I haven't brought it up. I'm not sure why. I know part of me feels guilty about it. I feel kind of stupid and weak because of it. I don't want him to think that I'm getting depressed again, or, worse, that I'm making this up.

Oy vey. I hate it, that's for sure. I could be so much more productive if I wasn't dragging myself around and napping. I want to be more productive. I want this to go away. 

Well, let's shift gears a moment. Be more positive. I should be - finally - getting my magpie tattoo finished tomorrow. I'm excited about it! I so badly want to see it finished with all the blues and greens in it. So that's tomorrow. And I've been drawing out some ideas for my next tattoo, a dove. I'd like to have my right arm sleeved out with birds. Some day . . . 

Here are my ideas:

This first one is the one I'm leaning towards. I love it. The next one (below) is the runner up.

It's a close runner up, as I really like it as well. The third one I'm just kinda "meh" about.

It's not bad, I just like the other two more.

And a note about work: the first 9 days of February have been ridiculously busy. Like, busy y'all. So many babies. I think all the Covid pregnancies are starting to deliver. We've been full pretty much every day. 

Thursday 1/21/21 Sock Rats and Violation

I should be at work today. But I'm not. I was "delayed" (which basically means I'm "on call" but I don't get time and a half if I get called in). So I slept in, sewed a little, and sketched out a drawing of pigeons that I'm doing on commission. And now that I'm full with lunch I could use a nap. But sadly, I just got notified that I'm going into work at 2:30, so no nap for me. Bummer.

So maybe you're wondering what the "violation" in the title of this post is. Well, early Monday morning, our 4Runner was broken into. The passenger side window was smashed out and everything had been rummaged through. I was at work when hubby texted me a pic of the window. My stomach dropped and I felt a little sick inside. Having your vehicle broken into is such a violation of personal space. I was angry and frustrated and saddened. People are assholes. Hubby got everything cleaned up and got an appointment to have the window replaced the next day. But still - people are assholes. 

Let's move on to something a little more light hearted. 

Sock rats!

Yes, in addition to making my plush zombie animals again, I'm also making my sock rats. I've made 3 and have sold them all already. Phillipe, Josephine, and Banjo. They're pretty adorable. And they don't take too long to make. 

Here's Josephine:

Each rat is made from one sock and some felt. They're pretty cuddly and all are epic. I need to find more beads for the eyes, though. I'm running out. 

In other news, I've been freaking tired lately. I want to take a nap every. Single. Day. And I don't know why. I mean, I know some nights I don't sleep well and so I'm tired the next day. But even when I DO sleep well, I'm still tired. I'm sure my doc would pin this on either A. depression (I actually haven't been depressed since, like, last July), or B. fibromyalgia (which I'm not convinced I actually have). So I don't think going to the doctor about it would be helpful. It really is annoying though. I don't want to feel as though I need a nap every day. And this isn't wanting a nap. It's NEEDING a nap. I feel tired and groggy and worn out by the afternoon. Caffeine doesn't help. Nothing helps except taking a nap. It's stupid. 

Oh well. At least I was productive today before having to go into work. Go me!

Tuesday 11/12/19

So let's be honest here: I'm kinda struggling. Not big time struggling. Not relapsing into depression (God I hope not). But struggling just the same. I'm tired. I'm more down. I'm not enjoying things. I have no motivation. For anything. I don't feel like me.

Part of the problem is work. I feel so burnt out. I'm not enjoying my job right now (to remind y'all, I'm a nurse and I help deliver babies). But yeah, I'm burnt out. We've had so many changes over the past few months that it's pretty overwhelming. I feel like I'm drowning in the change and I can't keep up. And we've been so. Damn. Busy. That in itself is exhausting. And it just sucks not enjoying your job, a job I used to love.

Another problem is my damn brain. It's like it developed muscle memory for being depressed and now I'm falling into the unhealthy cycle of  depressive thinking. Negative thoughts abound, most of them not even conscious. Sleeping too much (I didn't get up until noon today), physically feeling worn and tired all the time (though I guess this could also be the fibromyalgia), anger, bitterness, and an overall negative outlook. Seriously brain, what the fuck? Why can't you get trapped in positive thinking? (I know the answer to that of course - I've been depressed my whole life - it's all my brain knows. Even with being bipolar, hypomania episodes are few and far between and short lived. My brain knows depression. Period.)

I hate feeling like this. It makes me worry that I'm going to fall back into depression, something I desperately don't want.  Hubby reminded me that feeling burnt out is normal from time to time, that everyone feels that way at some point. Strangely, I didn't find that particularly comforting. Probably my depressive brain talking.

Stupid brain.

I need a vacation.

6/7/19

It doesn't matter why. That's what I've decided. Did you read my last post? Maybe you should. See, I've been depressed since then (May 17th). And it doesn't really matter why. I don't think there's a reason anyway except my bipolar. No trigger, no cause. Just my brain being a bag of dicks.

I'm depressed. I'm empty. I'm hollow. I'm fake. I'm down, defeated, hopeless, and overwhelmed. I'm nothing.

All of the things and none of the things.

I feel I'm getting worse. Slowly but surely getting worse.

I went to the doctor on Wednesday (the 5th). On top of the depression I've been having dizzy/lightheaded spells and tremors in my hands and right leg. Fun right? Fucking laugh riot, let me tell ya. She truly believes that it is my lithium. That I'm having withdrawal symptoms (I'm subtherapeutic right now) and that I need to increase my dose. But to be safe I had an EKG, orthostatic blood pressures, a ton of blood work, and I get to wear a heart monitor for a month (no, not something like a FitBit - I have electrodes that attach to my chest and connect to a box with a button I push every time I have symptoms). And she wanted me to see my Pdoc ASAP. I already had an appointment with him on the 27th, but she wants me in sooner. Earliest I could get in is the 17th. That way we can discuss my depression and lithium.

I'm so tired right now. Not physically tired. Mentally. Emotionally tired. All I want to do is sleep to escape reality. See, sleep is like death but without the commitment. I don't have to deal with my feelings (or lack there of) while I'm asleep. And I've been sleeping more. Napping. Trying to stay in bed as late as I can in the mornings.

Withdrawing. I'm not interacting as much as I normally do. Some coworkers have noticed.

I'm trying. Fake it till ya make it, right? But it's getting hard anymore. It drains me so much. But still I try because what else am I going to do?

2/17/19

I'm sitting on the couch drinking tea, listening to music. I should be content. I should feel good. But I don't. I'm not sure what's going on other than I'm having an identity crisis of sorts. I guess. I really don't know.

I was putting on makeup this morning and took a really good look at myself. Y'all, I don't even recognize myself. I've gained so much weight - so much fucking weight - that I don't recognize myself anymore. I'm not who I used to be and it brought me to tears.

I feel so fat and disgusting and ugly right now it's not even funny. My self esteem is nonexistent. It makes me feel so low. I'm trying to make changes in my diet and physical activity to combat this but it's proven to be REALLY. FUCKING. HARD. I'm trying. My diet is actually pretty good. I need to get active though, I know this, but it's so hard when all you want to do is sleep. I've been so exhausted the past few months so it's been hard.

I'm trying.

And you know what? It's not just the weight (though that's the main thing), it's also the fact that I'm getting older. I'm 40 people and my face is changing. I have more wrinkles, I have grey hair. I think this is harder for me to swallow  than I ever thought it would be. I just assumed I would age gracefully.

Apparently I'm not. 

2/8/19

This post will be relatively short. Probably.

Anyway, I went to the doctor this week (my primary physician) as I've been extremely fatigued as of late. For the past 2 months really. I have several symptoms of hypothyroidism and I wanted to get it checked out. Doc thinks I'm just not sleeping well, doesn't think I'm hypothyroid, but ran a crap ton of labs on me just to be sure. Now I'm just waiting for those results to come back. In the meantime, I'm on water restriction after 7pm and no caffeine after 7pm, to see if that helps my sleeping (currently I wake up 3-4 times a night to pee).

We'll see.

Today has actually been kind of a crap day. My mood is low, I'm being really hard on myself for everything you could possibly think of, and I'm, well, fatigued. So it's been a rough day. I'd really like to curl up in bed, go to sleep, and not wake up until tomorrow morning (it's 2:30pm  right now). But alas, I can't. I have to push through the day and be an adult. I don't understand why I have to, maybe one of you could explain that to me.

So yeah. I just had to get that out. Hope you all are having a great day. You know, my one person who reads this.