Tuesday 2/16/21 Finally, My Tattoo

 Well, last Wednesday my magpie tattoo was finally finished! Hooray!!! I absolutely LOVE it! I gotta say though, it hurt like the dickens. I mean, it hurt bad. And it hurt bad for several days after, too. But it's worth it because it's beautiful (at least I think so). 

This pic was taken the day after getting inked. It was tender AF. I really love it though. It matches my painting amazingly! My tattoo artist, Don, never ceases to amaze me. And now I'm working on my next tattoo - a dove with cherry blossoms. I've kind of decided that I want to sleeve out my right arm with birds. Because, well, birds. I love birds. But I'm not just picking random birds - they all have meaning behind them and they are all my own work. Two magpies, for example, represent joy. And I have felt nothing but joy in my life since finding stability. My sparrows remind me that God is watching over me for "His eye is on the sparrow, so I know He watches me". And a dove, well, a dove represents the Holy Spirit (and I just really love cherry blossoms). So yeah. Meaning.

The dove will go on the inside of my right arm, just below the crook of my elbow. I'm trying to decide what will go on the top of my forearm. I'm leaning towards a sparrow in flight with daffodils or dandelions (I also love daffodils and dandelions). But we'll see. Tattoos are expensive and I'll need time to save up for them. 

In other news, I'm still crazy tired. I worked 4 of the last 5 days and all of them were busy. I slept in today, had breakfast and coffee, and then laid back down again for an hour. And I still feel like I need to nap. I'm sick and tired of this fatigue. I'm thinking I probably should see the doctor for it. I'm just being stubborn, hoping it will pass. But it's not. I'll discuss with hubs today and maybe call tomorrow to set up an appointment. 

Nothing much else going on except for ridiculously cold temperatures, which needs to take a hike because I'm sick of it and I want warmth and sunshine. I mean, it's been cold - in the negatives the past several days. Even the overhead sprinkler system at the hospital froze and burst yesterday, flooding part of the ground level. Oy. That's cold! Spring time where are you??

Tuesday 2/9/21 Tired

 As the title says, I'm tired. I've been exhausted for around 3-4 weeks now. Feeling run down, sore, stiff, and sleepy. I can't seem to get enough sleep. Pretty much every day I don't work I take a nap. I feel as though I absolutely have to take one to function. At work I down coffee and try to stay busy (not difficult with the baby boom going on). But I'm just. So. Tired.

I've thought about going to the doctor for my fatigue, but I'm pretty sure what he's going to say: it's your fibromyalgia. You're in a flare up. It'll pass. I've wondered about that - if it's fibromyalgia. I've been diagnosed with it, but I don't typically have the symptoms that go with it. Well, I did when I was diagnosed, and it would appear I do now as well. But I still remain skeptical. Wondering if it's my thyroid or something. 

My muscles and joints are stiff. My skin seems . . . sensitive. And I feel sore, as if I've had a good workout (which, sadly, I haven't). And then the fatigue. The tiredness. Literally aching to lie down and sleep. It's weird - I used to sleep to get a break from my depression. But I'm not depressed - not even close. I feel like I need to sleep to function. Like I'm so tired I can't possible make it through the day without a nap. 

I haven't really talked about this with my hubby. I'm sure he's noticed me sleeping more, taking more naps. But I haven't brought it up. I'm not sure why. I know part of me feels guilty about it. I feel kind of stupid and weak because of it. I don't want him to think that I'm getting depressed again, or, worse, that I'm making this up.

Oy vey. I hate it, that's for sure. I could be so much more productive if I wasn't dragging myself around and napping. I want to be more productive. I want this to go away. 

Well, let's shift gears a moment. Be more positive. I should be - finally - getting my magpie tattoo finished tomorrow. I'm excited about it! I so badly want to see it finished with all the blues and greens in it. So that's tomorrow. And I've been drawing out some ideas for my next tattoo, a dove. I'd like to have my right arm sleeved out with birds. Some day . . . 

Here are my ideas:

This first one is the one I'm leaning towards. I love it. The next one (below) is the runner up.

It's a close runner up, as I really like it as well. The third one I'm just kinda "meh" about.

It's not bad, I just like the other two more.

And a note about work: the first 9 days of February have been ridiculously busy. Like, busy y'all. So many babies. I think all the Covid pregnancies are starting to deliver. We've been full pretty much every day. 

Tuesday 2/2/21 Bummer, man

 So I am quite bummed out right now. I was supposed to have my magpie tattoo finished today, but alas, it's been pushed back to next week. My tattoo artist said it wasn't quite healed enough for him to finish it today. And that if he tried, it could scar up. Well, I really don't want scarring to ruin my tattoo, so I guess I'm waiting another week. Next Wednesday. In the meantime he said to loofa the shit out of it and apply copious amounts of lotion (I've been doing lotion but not scrubbing it). So yeah, no finished tattoo for me. 

On the bright side, it's 60 degrees here in Colorado today! It's gorgeous out! It's making me long for Spring time, warmer weather, and sun. I may have to sit outside and read a bit. 

And on the darker side, I just got off the phone with my mom, who says she thinks she's going to die soon. Of heart failure. Because her chest hurts where her ribs were broken. One thing that you have to keep in mind is that my mom is an alcoholic. Has been one since before I was born. She denies it to this day, but it's obvious when she's been drinking. Anyway, I talked to her this morning and she was fine. Hadn't been drinking, we had a nice conversation for an hour. But then she calls me up, just a few minutes ago, crying and going on about how she thinks she's going to die and that she's going to get her will in order. Has she heard anything from a doctor? Has she even gone to a doctor? No. Her chest hurts where her  ribs were broken so logically she must be dying. You have to understand that when my mom has been drinking every little thing is the end of the world. The drama never stops. She's dying, she's going to leave her husband, and on and on. It's so frustrating to deal with. And because everything is the "worst pain" or "worst experience" of her life, I don't know what's real or what's the alcohol anymore. Everything is drama. Oy. I don't know what to do. Her alcoholism is the elephant in the room that no one dares talk about. I mean, her husband has to know, right? It's a Jeckle and Hyde type of transformation - I don't know how he couldn't know. Does he just deal with it? Is he truly oblivious? I've never asked him. And my mom would deny it anyway. She could be drinking vodka from the bottle and tell you she doesn't drink. And she believes it, that's the sad part. Denial is a strong and strange thing. 

Well, it was good to get that out. I'll chat with hubs about it when he gets home. I texted my brother about it as well. He said he talked to her earlier today and she seemed okay at first but then started getting all weird and feeling sorry for herself. I don't know. Let's move on.

Last week I shared the pigeon painting I did for a commission. I included this little gem for her too:

Because who doesn't love a fat little pigeon?! This little painting measures 4in X 4in. It's small. And cute. And I hope she likes it. 

Wednesday 1-6-21 Tattoo Day!

 And just like that it's the new year. 

I skipped a week in blogging, though I doubt any of my 1-2 readers will have noticed. But yes! It's 2021 already! This past year has been the slowest yet quickest year ever. It's been weird and awful and sometimes wonderful. I've been stable and happy for 6 months - a huge feat for me! And I don't see that going away any time soon. 

So what's been going on . . . not much of anything really. Christmas was very low key - we did presents and dinner with my mother-in-law, and that was about it. For New Years I was in bed by 9:30 - I worked New Years Eve and New Years Day so no staying up late for me. Speaking of work, I've been working full time for a few weeks now and it's going great! (The extra money is nice, too!) But for the most part things have been pretty boring and status quo, which is fine by me (who needs drama anyway??). 

One fun thing of note is that I'm sewing again! Got my sewing machine up and running, bought fabric and thread and stuff and set about making my plush zombies again. I thought it would take me a while to figure out how to sew again, but muscle memory is a wonderful thing - it's almost like I never stopped! (I'm a bit slower sewing right now but I'm sure I'll pick up speed soon). Yesterday I sewed a plush zombie rabbit and he's not too shabby for my first plushie in 5 years. I'll be sewing more and my zombies will be going up for sale in my Etsy shop. I'm excited about this! And it gives me something more to do (because painting wise I've been feeling a bit uninspired). 

But now the really fun thing . . . I'm getting a new tattoo today!! I'm so excited and a little bit nervous. It's been a long time since I've gotten a tattoo (this one will be my 14th tattoo). It will be 2 magpies in flight -  two for joy - and will be on my right forearm. The tattoo, of course, is of a painting I did:

Most of my tattoos are my own artwork, which of course gives them more meaning to me. I happen to love magpies (all corvids, really, but especially magpies). Two magpies together represent joy - and I've been especially joyous since I've been stable and happy. This tattoo represents that joy and stability as well as my love of the bird. Aack! I can't wait! Noon today. An hour and twenty minutes from now. Don't worry - I'll share a pic of it in my next post. 

Anyway, that's about it. I hope everyone is having a great week so far and I hope 2021 is a better year for us all.

Thursday 11/19/20 Therapy

 Well y'all, today I had my last "real" therapy session. What do I mean by "real"? I mean, my last regularly scheduled therapy session. Meaning, I'm no longer going to therapy. Which is crazy, and a little bit scary.

See, I've been going to therapy almost weekly for 8 years (sometimes I would go bi-weekly or monthly, but a lot of the time was weekly). Eight years people! That's a lot of therapy! And now, well, now I'm stable and have been for quite some time. My therapist and I had gone over my traumas years ago so there's not really anything I need to work on. In fact, todays session was a lot of BSing and laughing. 

But it is going to be weird not actually going. And of course, if I need a "tune up" all I have to do is call or text and set up an appointment. So yeah. I'm moving on. 

I've still been painting a lot - and have sold most of what I've painted. Which is convenient so that I don't have paintings lying around everywhere. And I need to save up money for my next tattoo. 

Here's what I painted today:

Well, one of the paintings I did today. I also painted a cardinal. Which I sold. But this is an artistic magpie! Isn't he cute? I love him.  I think he will be hanging on my wall soon. 

So anyway, I really want to give a shoutout to my therapist, Mike, for being awesome as hell and putting up with my crazy ass for 8 years. He's truly amazing.  

Friday 11/13/20 Friday the 13th

 Welp. It's Friday the 13th. In 2020. I'm bracing myself for some fucked up shit to happen. But hopefully it won't. This year has been awful enough already. 

Sooooo, guess what? I'm going back to full time! That's right! Full time baby! I've been working only two 12-hour shifts a week for the last 6 years (full time is three 12-hour shifts). And yeah - I'm finally going back to full time. Why, you ask? Well, because 1. I'm feeling good and stable and ready to tackle it, and 2. the extra money will be nice. It was actually a daunting decision to make, and one I'm still a little nervous about. But I think it will be good for me. And besides, I need to save up money for my next tattoo. 

Speaking of tattoos, I finally settled on what I want and where I want it. 

Here's what I will be getting:

Yes, I did paint that. I'm getting it on the back of my right forearm. I absolutely ADORE magpies (and other corvids as well), but magpies in particular because they are really quite beautiful. I'm hoping to have my tattoo done by January or February. We'll see. *fingers crossed*

There's another painting I did that came in a close second:

I just happen to like the first one a smidge more. I can't wait to have it done! It's been so long since I've gotten a tattoo (I'm not even sure how long - 6? 7 years?). I'm very overdue for one. 

In other news, I've been still feeling quite well. Upbeat, happy, and generally more relaxed and less cranky. Which is so freaking nice! 

Anyway, that's my little update. Here's to full time and a new tattoo!

Friday 11/6/20 Magpie Fun

 I'm tired. I worked three 12-hour shifts in a row. It's been years since I've done that. I normally don't even work two shifts in a row if I can help it - it takes a toll on me. But this week I did three. And today I'm tired. I'm trying my best not to nap but I may end up taking one anyway. We'll see. 

Overall I'm doing pretty darn good. Some little dippity dos here and there, but overall I'm stable and happy. Which is amazing, really. I've been feeling much better since the end of July (yes, I've had some drops, but I've come back up). It's pretty nice to be feeling this way. Hopefully it'll keep up.

In my last post I mentioned my next tattoo - two magpies. I've been sketching magpies and today I painted another:

I like him. This painting isn't for my tattoo necessarily. I just felt like painting him. Magpies are so gorgeous with their iridescent feathers. I love them. But what I need to be doing is painting stuff that I can sell so I can save up for my tattoo. I'm really itching to get it done. It's been a long time since I've gotten new ink. 

It's kind of weird . . . when I feel like crap all I want to do is write. And when I'm feeling good, I can't think of anything to say. Well, I guess that's all for now. 

Friday 10/30/20 I'm Cranky. Again.

 You read that right. I was cranky last Friday, and now I'm cranky again. It's rather annoying. I know what part of the reason is: I slept horribly last night. I woke up 4 times on my own and my dog woke me up another 2 times to go out. So yeah - not good sleep. And then Moya (my dog) wouldn't let me sleep in. She was in my face whining at 7:20. I was not pleased. 

But then the crankiness just sort of continued. Little things that shouldn't piss me off are pissing me off. The top of my yoga pants keeps rolling down, I have laundry to put away, dishes in the sink to do, my tooth still hurts, my skin is dry, I don't like my hair today, my socks sit too low on my ankle . . . and on top of it all I'm tired. 

Today is lame.

And I feel a little down and lost today. Not much - but a little. Which also annoys me because I don't want to feel like this. 

I did, however, paint something the other day that I'm pretty proud of:

This cutie elk with her magpie friend. I think it came out pretty damn good. 

Yesterday I painted another magpie, and today I did two magpie paintings (both of which are tattoo concept paintings). I've finally decided on my next tattoo! It'll be two magpies (in the nursery rhyme, it's two for joy). So I'm busy coming up with concepts. Now I just have to save up enough money to get it done. . . and convince hubby that I need it. I'm sure I can do that. 

Anyway, other than being cranky, things aren't too bad. And that's good.