Tuesday 2/23/21 Still Tired

Hi there. I'm still tired. Exhausted would be a more appropriate term, I think. And cold. My hands and feet are freezing, I'm in my hoodie, despite it being 62 degrees out (it's a gorgeous day). My hair seems to be thinning and I'm experiencing BO like I'm a teenager going through puberty again. WTF, body?? Seriously, it's ridiculous. Not to mention the muscle soreness and joint pain (thankfully mild). 

I have an appointment with my doctor this Friday. I'm sure I'll have lots of lab work drawn. I want to have lots of lab work drawn. I want to know what's going on. I have my suspicions. Sub-clinical hypothyroid is my top guess. Why subclinical? Well, I think my thyroid hormones will be within the normal range, but at the far end - not in the middle. I think this because my values always seem to be "normal" - I can't just have a clear cut answer. Which is annoying. But my symptoms match hypothyroidism. 

Though I have a feeling that my symptoms may be blamed on fibromyalgia. And who knows - maybe it really is fibromyalgia. But I think because of the muscle pain my doc might lean this way. And I could be totally off base. Who knows. 

There is a little worry in the back of my head though. A little worry that gets a little larger each day. Because I catch myself staring absently into space. Because I catch myself sighing heavily. Because I catch myself having more negative thoughts. 

Depression.

What if what I'm experiencing is depression trying to seep back into my life? I'm worried because I'm off of Welbutrin - I haven't taken it for a week now.  What if the Welbutrin was actually the reason I was feeling better and now that I'm off of it my depression is coming back. Slowly. Insidiously. What if . . .

The thing is, I don't feel depressed. I still feel happy. I still feel joyful. I don't have that emptiness in me that was all too consuming when I was depressed. But I still have that little worry. And I don't want it to be depression, obviously. And I don't want my doc to immediately jump to this conclusion because of my past. I want thorough testing done. I want all avenues checked before we make a diagnosis. I want this desperately not to be depression. 

I guess we'll see though. See what the doc says. And I'm not seeing my regular doc, btw. I'm seeing one of the PAs. Seeing my regular doc would have put my appointment time a month and a half away, instead of a week. Maybe fresh eyes will have a different perspective. 

I'm sick of feeling like this though. I want to be awake. I want to have energy. I don't want to be sore. I don't want to be cold or sweaty. Ugh. I want to feel how I did 3 months ago.

Anyway, I think I have my final version of my dove tattoo all painted out. It's a dove with cherry blossoms. And I'm really digging it.

Now I just gotta save up money . . . Sell some paintings and/or plushies. 

Tuesday 2/9/21 Tired

 As the title says, I'm tired. I've been exhausted for around 3-4 weeks now. Feeling run down, sore, stiff, and sleepy. I can't seem to get enough sleep. Pretty much every day I don't work I take a nap. I feel as though I absolutely have to take one to function. At work I down coffee and try to stay busy (not difficult with the baby boom going on). But I'm just. So. Tired.

I've thought about going to the doctor for my fatigue, but I'm pretty sure what he's going to say: it's your fibromyalgia. You're in a flare up. It'll pass. I've wondered about that - if it's fibromyalgia. I've been diagnosed with it, but I don't typically have the symptoms that go with it. Well, I did when I was diagnosed, and it would appear I do now as well. But I still remain skeptical. Wondering if it's my thyroid or something. 

My muscles and joints are stiff. My skin seems . . . sensitive. And I feel sore, as if I've had a good workout (which, sadly, I haven't). And then the fatigue. The tiredness. Literally aching to lie down and sleep. It's weird - I used to sleep to get a break from my depression. But I'm not depressed - not even close. I feel like I need to sleep to function. Like I'm so tired I can't possible make it through the day without a nap. 

I haven't really talked about this with my hubby. I'm sure he's noticed me sleeping more, taking more naps. But I haven't brought it up. I'm not sure why. I know part of me feels guilty about it. I feel kind of stupid and weak because of it. I don't want him to think that I'm getting depressed again, or, worse, that I'm making this up.

Oy vey. I hate it, that's for sure. I could be so much more productive if I wasn't dragging myself around and napping. I want to be more productive. I want this to go away. 

Well, let's shift gears a moment. Be more positive. I should be - finally - getting my magpie tattoo finished tomorrow. I'm excited about it! I so badly want to see it finished with all the blues and greens in it. So that's tomorrow. And I've been drawing out some ideas for my next tattoo, a dove. I'd like to have my right arm sleeved out with birds. Some day . . . 

Here are my ideas:

This first one is the one I'm leaning towards. I love it. The next one (below) is the runner up.

It's a close runner up, as I really like it as well. The third one I'm just kinda "meh" about.

It's not bad, I just like the other two more.

And a note about work: the first 9 days of February have been ridiculously busy. Like, busy y'all. So many babies. I think all the Covid pregnancies are starting to deliver. We've been full pretty much every day. 

Thursday 1/21/21 Sock Rats and Violation

I should be at work today. But I'm not. I was "delayed" (which basically means I'm "on call" but I don't get time and a half if I get called in). So I slept in, sewed a little, and sketched out a drawing of pigeons that I'm doing on commission. And now that I'm full with lunch I could use a nap. But sadly, I just got notified that I'm going into work at 2:30, so no nap for me. Bummer.

So maybe you're wondering what the "violation" in the title of this post is. Well, early Monday morning, our 4Runner was broken into. The passenger side window was smashed out and everything had been rummaged through. I was at work when hubby texted me a pic of the window. My stomach dropped and I felt a little sick inside. Having your vehicle broken into is such a violation of personal space. I was angry and frustrated and saddened. People are assholes. Hubby got everything cleaned up and got an appointment to have the window replaced the next day. But still - people are assholes. 

Let's move on to something a little more light hearted. 

Sock rats!

Yes, in addition to making my plush zombie animals again, I'm also making my sock rats. I've made 3 and have sold them all already. Phillipe, Josephine, and Banjo. They're pretty adorable. And they don't take too long to make. 

Here's Josephine:

Each rat is made from one sock and some felt. They're pretty cuddly and all are epic. I need to find more beads for the eyes, though. I'm running out. 

In other news, I've been freaking tired lately. I want to take a nap every. Single. Day. And I don't know why. I mean, I know some nights I don't sleep well and so I'm tired the next day. But even when I DO sleep well, I'm still tired. I'm sure my doc would pin this on either A. depression (I actually haven't been depressed since, like, last July), or B. fibromyalgia (which I'm not convinced I actually have). So I don't think going to the doctor about it would be helpful. It really is annoying though. I don't want to feel as though I need a nap every day. And this isn't wanting a nap. It's NEEDING a nap. I feel tired and groggy and worn out by the afternoon. Caffeine doesn't help. Nothing helps except taking a nap. It's stupid. 

Oh well. At least I was productive today before having to go into work. Go me!

Tuesday 11/12/19

So let's be honest here: I'm kinda struggling. Not big time struggling. Not relapsing into depression (God I hope not). But struggling just the same. I'm tired. I'm more down. I'm not enjoying things. I have no motivation. For anything. I don't feel like me.

Part of the problem is work. I feel so burnt out. I'm not enjoying my job right now (to remind y'all, I'm a nurse and I help deliver babies). But yeah, I'm burnt out. We've had so many changes over the past few months that it's pretty overwhelming. I feel like I'm drowning in the change and I can't keep up. And we've been so. Damn. Busy. That in itself is exhausting. And it just sucks not enjoying your job, a job I used to love.

Another problem is my damn brain. It's like it developed muscle memory for being depressed and now I'm falling into the unhealthy cycle of  depressive thinking. Negative thoughts abound, most of them not even conscious. Sleeping too much (I didn't get up until noon today), physically feeling worn and tired all the time (though I guess this could also be the fibromyalgia), anger, bitterness, and an overall negative outlook. Seriously brain, what the fuck? Why can't you get trapped in positive thinking? (I know the answer to that of course - I've been depressed my whole life - it's all my brain knows. Even with being bipolar, hypomania episodes are few and far between and short lived. My brain knows depression. Period.)

I hate feeling like this. It makes me worry that I'm going to fall back into depression, something I desperately don't want.  Hubby reminded me that feeling burnt out is normal from time to time, that everyone feels that way at some point. Strangely, I didn't find that particularly comforting. Probably my depressive brain talking.

Stupid brain.

I need a vacation.

Tuesday 11/5/19

I'm sitting on the couch wanting to blog but not knowing what the hell to blog about. I'm currently frustrated. Frustrated beyond belief - I'm almost shaking. My anxiety is through the roof and I can't seem to get it under control.

So. Yeah. A few weeks ago hubby and I bought a 2004 Toyota Sequoia. It had all this work done to it, was owned by a Toyota master mechanic, and was supposed to be a good vehicle. Well, It's been in the shop the past 1.5 weeks having work done on the brakes (can't seem to get them working properly). We found out today that the frame had been damaged (bent and welded - poorly - back together). This essentially makes the vehicle unsafe to drive.

What. The actual. Fuck.

Now we're stuck with this gigantic fucking SUV that we paid $8,000 for and we can't do anything with it. I mean technically we could sell it but hubby and I don't feel okay with doing that knowing what we know about the frame.

Just . . . seriously.

In other news, I went to the doctor last week to have my left hip looked at. It's been causing me a lot of pain and has been getting progressively worse. My doc thinks that I have arthritis and that my tendons are too tight. She ordered X-rays, prescribed maloxicam and physical therapy. She said if after a month of physical therapy and meds my hip wasn't notably better we'd need to do a CT scan to check the soft tissue. I got the X-ray results back today: normal. No arthritis. Which is good, but means they don't really know what's causing my pain. Which is not good. So we're staying the course with meds and physical therapy and I follow up next month.

It's just frustrating. I thought the X-ray would give a definitive answer, we'd have a course of treatment and BOOM! It would be better. But instead we're blindly stabbing in the dark for something that might help. Don't get me wrong - I'm sure physical therapy will be helpful - I'm just frustrated.

So that's my post. An obnoxious rant about what's frustrating me at the moment. I was hoping by getting it out I'd feel a little bit better. I don't. I'm still shaking and I feel like crying. Maybe I should. Maybe that would help.

Cheers.

Tuesday 10/22/19

The past 4 days have been pretty, um, annoying. My mood is not where it should be. I'll elaborate on that . . .

Last Friday I had a horrible day beating myself up because of my weight. So much so that I was in tears. I happened to glance in the mirror and really get a good look at how big I've gotten (I weigh in at 235 pounds, people), and I lost it. Every negative thought I've ever had came flooding back, making me feel worthless and useless. I did everything I could to counter these thoughts but in the end they won out.

Saturday I worked, primary nursery, meaning I would be doing all the deliveries myself. And it was busy (I did 6 deliveries - one a set of twins). I was bitter and angry and overwhelmed and tired and in pain and my mood was sinking fast. I tried desperately to keep my head above water, to tread faster and harder than I ever have. But the fact that I had to work so hard only made me more bitter and angry. I came home from work exhausted and utterly defeated (though I tried not to show it).

Sunday I worked, primary nursery again. And again it was busy and I did 5 deliveries by myself. I didn't feel like myself. I wasn't as bad as I was on Saturday, but I definitely wasn't myself. I was not quick to smile or laugh. I tended to shy away from conversation. I still felt angry and overwhelmed. When I got home, hubs said that on Monday I should do nothing. Just relax.

And that's what I did.

On Monday I didn't get out of bed until 12:30pm. And I only got up because I had therapy at 2. It felt good to do nothing. It felt restorative. But I also felt guilty. Guilty because I had accomplished nothing. I took those feelings and went to therapy and vomited up everything that I had gone through and felt over the last 3 days. My therapist, M, said that I did good to stay in bed and that I might need another day of doing nothing. Which helped to relieve my feelings of guilt. He also reassured me that what I was feeling was normal and not a bipolar backslide (I had been worrying that all of this was going to lead to a depressive episode).

Today I'm feeling a bit better. I slept in a little, did the dishes, went to the post office, and did some reading. I'm more calm, less bitter, less angry.

I still need to lose some fucking weight though. 

Thursday 10/10/19

I'm curled up on my couch in a hoodie with a big fluffy blanket wrapped around me. The heat is turned on but I'm still cold. That's not surprising though - it went from 75 degrees and sunny yesterday to 20 degrees and snowing today. That's not uncommon here in Colorado. My body isn't used to the cold.

Everything has been super uneventful. Seriously. Nothing exciting is happening at all. I'm working my two 12's a week, trying to stay productive on my days off (doesn't always happen), and get to the gym despite the pain I'm having.  It's all rather boring. But that's a good thing I think. Usually when there's excitement with me it's the wrong kind.

I've been reading more, which is nice. Of course, I've been reading more because I don't have any inspiration for artwork. I want to draw and paint, I just don't know what I should draw and paint. I thought about joining an art challenge for the moth of October - called Inktober - but I couldn't come up with anything to draw after looking at the prompts. I felt overwhelmed. So I'm not doing it.

Mood wise I've been doing pretty darn good. Which is really amazing. I feel pretty great, actually. It's so weird not having my black cloud around. I don't want to sound too ambitious, but I'm hoping I get at least a year of this before my depression comes back. Wouldn't that be something? The most I usually get is a couple of months. But this time it feels different. I'm actually feeling - I'm not just flat or numb. So hopefully it will last.

Pain wise I'm about the same. Yesterday was a bad pain day where I was stiff and aching all over. Hubs and I went to the gym and tried to do legs. Well, he did legs, I tried. My knees hurt too bad to do much of anything. Stupid fibromyalgia.

Well, I don't really have much to write about right now. Probably I'll take a short nap and read. I'm going to try and write at least once a week, even if it's just boring mediocre stuff. So until next time . . .   

Tuesday 10/1/19

So it's been a month since I last wrote (well, close enough), and I'm happy to say that my black cloud has dissipated. It's still there sometimes, when I'm by myself - or even in a group - lurking, waiting to take over. But, for the most part, it seems to be gone. And for this I'm grateful.

I went to my primary doc last week because I've been having joint pain. Let me be a little more specific: every joint except for my fingers and elbows have been hurting for the past 8 months and getting progressively worse over the last 2 months. And when I say hurting I mean H U R T I N G. Especially my hips and my wrists and thumbs. They ache. When I move I get sharp stabbing pain. I've also had random muscle soreness not congruent with working out. And we can't forget my headaches or fatigue (I actually went to my doc about 6 months ago because of the fatigue and he thought it was just my depression).

Well, now I have a diagnosis: Fibromyalgia.

Ugh. Yeah. Fibromyalgia. Joy. When he told me that my stomach dropped. Fibromyalgia is a chronic, lifelong illness that isn't very well understood or treated. Not necessarily the thing I want to hear. And it's weird, I immediately thought that I would have to reinvent myself. You know, as someone with both bipolar disorder and fibro.

But I don't really have to do that. I can still be me, just another version of me. One who's in pain from time to time. I don't know. I don't think that I've accepted that I have fibro. Maybe because I'm not as bad off as some other people are with it. I've been researching it like crazy and my symptoms certainly match those of fibro. If I'm in a flare right now - which my doc thinks I am - then it's tolerable. Will it always stay tolerable? Only time will tell. As of right now I've opted to go med free as I don't want to deal with more side effects (I deal with enough from my bipolar meds). I'm going to continue to research it and look for blogs to read. What I have started doing is taking more supplements. Glucosamine, collagen powder, turmeric, magnesium, and cinnamon. All have been touted to help fibromyalgia. We'll see.

So yeah. That's where I'm at. A new diagnosis that I don't want and haven't accepted. But I'll get there. Eventually.