Monday 7/28/25 Two months, damn

 It's been over 2 months, actually. Kind of crazy. And just goes to show that I have nothing to really write about. In the past, the more depressed I was, the more I was struggling, the more I would write. And now . . . well, now I'm doing so well. Writing about regular life seems so mundane, so boring. Because it kind of is. Like, we went to Japan again - and that was AWESOME - but there's not much else going on. I'm trying to work out consistently, eat healthier, do yoga (which I truly do love), and keep stress levels down.

My son, who you may or may not remember came out as trans, is not yet transitioning. Some days he dresses a little more femininely, some days more masculine, but he's the same kid regardless. He's working pretty much full time, saving money for - get this - school in Japan. He's going to go to Pikes Peak State College for a year or two and then he hopes to transfer to a university in Osaka, Japan. This came as a shock to hubs and I, but I mean, if he really wants it then more power to him. Might as well do it while you're young and without a ton of obligations. 

Other than that everything is status quo. Work is work. I was actually supposed to work today but was put on stand by (and have yet to be called off or called in). So I'm just chilling. Worked out, read a bit, going to maybe draw some . . . boring stuff. But, boring is good. Because it means I'm doing good. No news is good news, right?

Saturday 9//26/20 Birthday Fun

 So. Nothing much has been going on since my last post. Life is rather . . . boring. Which I guess is a good thing. Because I'm stable and doing well. But it's also boring. Ugh. What to do, what to do.

My birthday was yesterday. I turned 42. It's kind of hard to think of myself as being 42 since I still feel like I'm in my late 20's/early 30's. That's probably good. Better than feeling old. Hubby and I went up to Estes Park yesterday (small mountain town that I love) and hung out, walked the shops and around the lake, had lunch, and some delicious iced chai pumpkin lattes. It was a lovely day. And we topped it off with Chic-Fil-A, which I do love. 

I've still been having anger days. Those haven't seemed to go away at all. Once or twice a week. It's not crazy anger, thank goodness, but it's there, and it's annoying. But I'm dealing with it just fine, so that's good. Or at least I think I'm dealing with it fine. Hubs might beg to differ. 

Next week I'm going to start scanning my artwork into the computer. I'm not looking forward to this. At all. It's a boring, tedious process that takes forever. But it must be done! And having my artwork in the computer means I can share it here! For all of the 2-3 people who read my blog to see! Haha! Yes!

So yeah. Life is pretty boring right now. But I have no depression so that's good. 

The End. 

For today at least.  

Thursday 10/10/19

I'm curled up on my couch in a hoodie with a big fluffy blanket wrapped around me. The heat is turned on but I'm still cold. That's not surprising though - it went from 75 degrees and sunny yesterday to 20 degrees and snowing today. That's not uncommon here in Colorado. My body isn't used to the cold.

Everything has been super uneventful. Seriously. Nothing exciting is happening at all. I'm working my two 12's a week, trying to stay productive on my days off (doesn't always happen), and get to the gym despite the pain I'm having.  It's all rather boring. But that's a good thing I think. Usually when there's excitement with me it's the wrong kind.

I've been reading more, which is nice. Of course, I've been reading more because I don't have any inspiration for artwork. I want to draw and paint, I just don't know what I should draw and paint. I thought about joining an art challenge for the moth of October - called Inktober - but I couldn't come up with anything to draw after looking at the prompts. I felt overwhelmed. So I'm not doing it.

Mood wise I've been doing pretty darn good. Which is really amazing. I feel pretty great, actually. It's so weird not having my black cloud around. I don't want to sound too ambitious, but I'm hoping I get at least a year of this before my depression comes back. Wouldn't that be something? The most I usually get is a couple of months. But this time it feels different. I'm actually feeling - I'm not just flat or numb. So hopefully it will last.

Pain wise I'm about the same. Yesterday was a bad pain day where I was stiff and aching all over. Hubs and I went to the gym and tried to do legs. Well, he did legs, I tried. My knees hurt too bad to do much of anything. Stupid fibromyalgia.

Well, I don't really have much to write about right now. Probably I'll take a short nap and read. I'm going to try and write at least once a week, even if it's just boring mediocre stuff. So until next time . . .   

6/27/17

I've had an okay day today. I've actually had a pretty decent week. There's been nothing exciting, nothing note worthy . . . but I've been doing okay. We joined a new gym. The Y (I get a discount through my hospital - half off monthly dues). Yesterday I met with a personal trainer for an evaluation. She asked me all sorts of questions about working out and eating habits, etc, and did a body composition analysis. I found out I'm 46% fat. Ugh. How horrible is that?! She then did a mini workout with me and showed me different equipment and gave me ideas for future workouts. Then I did a workout after. Go me!

Today I was able to get up early and go to the gym and do a decent workout (which is unlike me - I've been slacking off big time lately). I was pretty proud of that. Did some artwork today (I've been slacking off big time with that, too), and even got reading done and a short nap. Not too bad.

The past couple of days I haven't felt as flat or withdrawn. I've felt more . . . human. I'm hoping this keeps up. Wouldn't that be nice?

6/19/17

I've done very poorly at posting every week (my last post was the beginning of May). Oh well, I guess. My life has been rather boring, nothing exciting going on. I'm stable, so that's good. I went into an irritable hypomanic state for about a week when I was put on a medication for acne (I got off that med ASAP). That was not fun. At all. My hubby was calling me "she-hulk". Denver Comic Con is coming up in a little less than 2 weeks and that will be awesome!

Anyway, that's all I got right now, like I said - I'm boring and I haven't had motivation to write.

Day 89

Here it is, day 89 of "normal", and I'm feeling pretty stuck. Why, you ask? Motivation. Or, more accurately, my lack of motivation. That's right. I'm lacking motivation for nearly everything. No, that isn't an exaggeration.

I'll be honest - I don't really have the motivation to write this post. Seriously. I feel I need to though. I feel I need to write more frequently, even if it's just mundane shit. And so here I am, sitting on the couch with the laptop in my lap, one big sigh after the other.

See it's just that I'm lacking motivation for so many things. Exercise, eating healthy, reading, drawing, painting, cleaning, getting up in the morning. It's very frustrating because I want to be able to do things, I just don't seem to care if I don't. Wasn't on the spin bike for a full 20 minutes? Oh well. Doesn't matter. Didn't vacuum the downstairs? Whatever. We're not downstairs all that much anyway.

The lack of motivation and not really caring (in addition to some other symptoms) are all symptoms of depression. I had a little over a week where I was having some strong depressive symptoms again and I keep thinking that maybe this is just carry-over from that. Except that the lack of motivation started before my depressive dip.

I'm not really sure what to do. I don't know how to increase my motivation (motivational speeches, etc don't work).

It sucks though, and is damn annoying.

Day 40

Wow. It's been a while since I last wrote. I'll be honest though, there isn't really anything exciting going on. Not really.

I've been trying to figure out how I feel, and this really is not an easy fucking task. Seriously. Because here's the thing - I'm not depressed. I'm not depressed. I'm just, normal, I guess.

But there's a problem with normal, and this is what I've been trying to figure out. See, I feel like something is missing. From my life. Like, something major, but I don't know what it is, only that it's gone.

And I still feel like I'm on the sidelines of my life. I'm just observing. Everything is passing me by, I feel left out out. And I'm pretty sure this shows at times. Like when I'm at work trying to take part in a conversation but I'm really just staring creepily at everyone while they're talking and I'm trying to nod and chuckle and look interested but I just look weird.

I go around at work and in life feeling withdrawn and reserved and quiet and not at all like myself. I have moments - don't get me wrong - where I'm more like myself. Where I come out of my shell and make jokes or act silly or, well, inappropriately because that's what I do . . . But those instances are few and far between. And I miss it.

I've been trying to get this all back. I've been trying like crazy to get it back. I go out of my way to make conversations at work. I'm making conversations with people I ordinarily wouldn't talk to (which makes me uncomfortable, honestly). I try making jokes, I try acting silly, but everything just falls flat (except for the towel penis incident).

People comment on how I seem so much more happy, more calm, more talkative, and like I'm doing so much better. And I guess yeah, I am. I mean, I'm not depressed, I'm purposefully trying to engage everyone in conversation, and I am doing so much better. I should just be fucking happy with this, right??

And yet I still feel empty. Hollow. I don't know what to do with myself. Literally and figuratively. I already spend one day a week volunteering with horses and disabled kids. I spend two days a week delivering babies. I paint . . . and then do fun stuff like clean the house. What the fuck more should I do . . .

Oh, and I also seem to have this whole anger thing. I'm very quick to anger and it's pretty volatile. Great fun.

So I don't know. Figuring this shit out is my ongoing project for now. In the background. I'm not letting it take center stage. My bipolar has been center stage for far too long so now it gets the back burner.

So yeah. There ya go.

Day 12

Weird that today is titled "day 12" when other days were higher up, yeah? Well, a lot of shit has happened since my last post. Like, I actually AM stable. Today is day 12 of being stable. And what does being stable look like for me?

I feel "normal", I guess. I don't really feel happy or sad, I just . . . am. It's kind of blah. Meh. No extreme moods, no hating myself, no wanting to die, no depression, no despair. So that's nice.

It feels very strange though. Everything I'm used to is gone. I almost don't know how to act or interact anymore. I feel awkward and small. I feel like I've lost part of myself. I feel like people don't trust me. I'm insignificant and pretty worthless at times. At least, I still feel that way.

I also feel like I'm walking on a tightrope. One misstep and I'll plummet into the abyss. Back into depression. Back where I was. I don't want to look down, I don't want to look back, I don't want to fall.

Today I felt myself waiver. I felt my foot slip just a little. How? My mood. I'm filled with impatient rage today (the type that is characteristic both in my depression and hypomania - not in feeling normal). I've felt like screaming and crying and throwing and breaking things. I don't really know how I've stopped myself (I have better self control than I give myself credit for I guess). I just want to go to bed. I want this day to be over. I'm just . . . I'm done. No more. And it's only 3pm.

I'd like to start writing more regularly, I just find it hard. Mainly thanks to ECT messing with my brain and making it difficult to form sentences. But maybe the more I do it, the easier it will get. Who knows. Maybe I'll shoot for once a week. Goals, people.

Normal . . .

. . . is boring.

No really. Normal is boring. At least when you're used to the constant crisis of bipolar disorder, being normal/stable/in remission is very boring.

I'm at home this morning, sitting on my couch, wondering what to do with myself. I feel like I need to be constantly doing something, constantly active/entertained/whatever. I don't know how to act or what to say or what to do. This is all very weird, people.

Everyone tells me that this is okay. Normal is good and okay. Boring is good and okay. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the heightened awareness that comes with mania or the deep emotion that comes with depression. Or if I said that part of me doesn't thrive on the chaos. . .

Stability is better though. Better for everyone. I can do so much more stable. I don't lose friends when I'm stable. Maybe I can get back to full time work . . .

Stability is good. Normal is good. This is okay, guys. I'll get used to it again.































Who am I trying to convince? You? Or me?