Monday 7/28/25 Two months, damn

 It's been over 2 months, actually. Kind of crazy. And just goes to show that I have nothing to really write about. In the past, the more depressed I was, the more I was struggling, the more I would write. And now . . . well, now I'm doing so well. Writing about regular life seems so mundane, so boring. Because it kind of is. Like, we went to Japan again - and that was AWESOME - but there's not much else going on. I'm trying to work out consistently, eat healthier, do yoga (which I truly do love), and keep stress levels down.

My son, who you may or may not remember came out as trans, is not yet transitioning. Some days he dresses a little more femininely, some days more masculine, but he's the same kid regardless. He's working pretty much full time, saving money for - get this - school in Japan. He's going to go to Pikes Peak State College for a year or two and then he hopes to transfer to a university in Osaka, Japan. This came as a shock to hubs and I, but I mean, if he really wants it then more power to him. Might as well do it while you're young and without a ton of obligations. 

Other than that everything is status quo. Work is work. I was actually supposed to work today but was put on stand by (and have yet to be called off or called in). So I'm just chilling. Worked out, read a bit, going to maybe draw some . . . boring stuff. But, boring is good. Because it means I'm doing good. No news is good news, right?

Tuesday 1/16/24 No More School!

 School is done!! I ended up with a 95% in the class because I kind of bombed the final (got a 72% on that - every question had 2 right answers and I had to pick which one was most right, ugh). But hey - a 95% is damn good for struggling as much as I did, doubting myself as much as I did, and it being my first class in over 17 years. Go me! It's so nice to be done. Like, really nice. 

Anyway, I had therapy today and we're going to start working on my self esteem. Cause I kinda don't like myself all that much. I mean, I do, at times, but I'm really insecure, especially with how I look. Let's be honest - I could stand to lose some weight. Not just for looks - for health. On that thread, I'm starting working out again. And it's made me realize just how out of shape I am. I mean, wow. So I've got that to work on. And Becky gave me homework for our next session - to paint how I feel about myself. I have some ideas floating around . . . we'll see what I come up with. 

So yeah, that's about it. Another short post. That's okay. Maybe next week I'll have more to say. 

Wednesday 1/10/24 Almost Done

 Well, I'm almost done with my first (and only) class. I have my final to take, which I plan on taking on Friday this week. And then, my friends, I am done. And let me tell you, I am soooooo looking forward to not doing school work every day I have off (and sometimes on days when I'm at work). I'm so burned out after just one class it's ridiculous. School anymore just isn't for me and now I know that. It kinda sucks, because I'm doing well (I have a 97% in the class) but I just can't do it. I've been completely miserable. But with an end in sight I feel free, I feel hopeful, I feel better. I'm glad I tried and found out. And I'm glad I found out early instead of 3-4 classes in and spending all that money (the master's program is NOT cheap). Am I a little bummed? Yeah, of course I am. But I think this is for the better. I wouldn't be able to handle 3 years of intense, back-to-back classes with no break whatsoever. I'm doing the right thing and I'm okay with it. And I'm lucky in that so far everyone is supporting me in my decision. No one is giving me a hard time except for myself. Which is good. Because I was worried about letting people down or people thinking less of me. An unfounded worry, I suppose.

There isn't much of anything else going on. I've been so focused on school that I have nothing new to report. I started reading a new book the other night - one just for fun (not my dumb textbook). It's nice to be able to just read for fun. I've missed it. 

That's all for now. Short and sweet, unlike me. ;)

Thursday 1/4/24 New Year

 Welp. It's 2024. Pretty crazy. I worked new year's eve day, which was fine. Even got off a little early (5:45pm), which was nice. I was in bed by 9:30 I think and then woken up by neighborhood fireworks at midnight. So, technically I rang in the new year awake ;) 

Monday and Tuesday was homework all day. Tuesday night we (hubby, son, and myself) met up with my stepmom, her hubby, and my stepsister and her family for dinner. Then on to Cripple Creek for the Ice Castles, which was crazy cold and pretty nifty (it was around 20 degrees F). It was nice to see everyone and hang out, even though it was freezing cold. Yesterday was work and today has been reading the last few chapters in my textbook. Which I am now done with. Yes, done. Over 1500 pages in my gigantic, 10lb textbook read over the past 7 weeks. Holy crap. That's a lot of reading. Next week is my last week of class. I have 2 discussion questions (and 4 replies) and my final exam to do and I'm officially done. 

I thought I'd feel more like a failure for taking one class and giving up. I thought I'd be beating myself up more. But maybe there's too much relief in being done. I've really, truly been struggling mentally and emotionally with school (not that you'd be able to tell from the outside - I'm good at hiding it). And who knows, maybe I'm finally mature enough emotionally to not need to beat myself up. Thanks, therapy. I still feel guilty. Because of the money we've spent. New desk, laptop, printer/scanner, accessories, textbook, the cost of the class . . . that's a lot of money that I feel like I'm throwing away. That I didn't deserve to have spent on me. Okay, maybe I'm beating myself up a little bit. I can't help it - it's in my nature. 

In other news, I've been working out. Not every day, not yet. But 3 days this past week, and I'm proud of myself for that (keep in mind I haven't worked out for the past 4 months). So 3 days consistently is big for me. I'm trying to get back into the groove of working out. Getting strong, increasing endurance. I need to, desperately. My goal is to do yoga on the mornings I work and lift weights/cardio on my days off. I need to build up to that though because I'm so freaking out of shape. I'll get there.

My eating is slowly getting better as well. Not as much binging on junk, which is huge. I've been doing hypnosis sessions (recorded, online) and I think it's helping. Finally. Because the binging was getting out of control. But now, not so much. 

Anyway, there's not much else going on. I'm quitting school, trying to get in shape, and getting back to making artwork (maybe there's some paper mache in the future). We'll see.

Saturday 12/30/23 Decision Time

 Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. And, of course, with the new year comes new year's resolutions and whatnot. And, with the new year coming, I've made a major decision: I'm not going to do school anymore. That's right. I'm dropping out. I will finish my course that I'm currently in, but after that . . . I'm done. I don't see myself as being a nurse practitioner, I don't see myself surviving 3 years of school. I don't even see myself making it through one more class. Originally I thought I would try one more. Just to see how it goes. But I can't. It's too overwhelming. I'm so stressed already from my first class. I'm in survival mode. I can't do another 8 weeks of this. Hell, I still have 2 weeks to go in my current class and I'm wondering how I'm going to make it. 

So, no. I'm quitting. And I'm at peace with my decision. I feel as though a weight has been lifted. I'm still worried about disappointing people, but it will be okay. I told Jeremy last night, around 11pm, because I couldn't sleep. I didn't fall asleep until after 2am, and then I only slept fitfully. Which is how most nights have been since starting school. He said he wasn't disappointed in me and told me that he thought I was doing better than I give myself credit for. But he doesn't know what goes on inside my head. Or how anxious and tired I am. Or how overwhelmed I am. I'm just done.

So. No more school. I feel guilty about spending the money on it. On a new desk, laptop, monitor, keyboard and mouse, printer/scanner, tuition . . . But hey. At least now I know, I guess. It was an expensive learning experience. Oy vey.

As for new year's resolutions, I just want to be healthy and happy. Mentally and physically healthy and happy. That's it.

Thursday 12/21/23 Almost Christmas

 Well, it's almost Christmas. Isn't that great. I'm not big into Christmas, never have been, so I don't really care all that much. Though it would have been nice to have time off from school for it. But no, we don't get holidays off. We get to plug right on through. Joy.

I had my midterm last week, which I got a 90% on. The only reason I got a 90% was because it was open book. Had it not been open book I would have failed it. I only knew the answer to one question out of 50. Not good. It was hyper-specific and insanely difficult. I mean, open book and I still missed 5 questions. This doesn't make me optimistic for other tests. I don't know if in my next class tests will be open book or not. If not, then I do believe I'm screwed. And my 3P exam (the test I take after my first 3 classes) is closed book and proctored. So yeah. I'm really screwed. 

And, if I'm being completely honest, I'm not sure I want to continue in the program. I keep thinking, do I really want to be the person to diagnose and treat people? That's a LOT of responsibility. And I don't know if I want that kind of responsibility. It scares me, quite honestly. I'm not sure I can do it. I'm not sure I want to do it. And I feel like I can't tell people that. Because everyone is so proud of me going back to school. And I'm doing it and getting good grades and people are proud. Like Jeremy. I don't want to let him down by quitting but I don't know if I really want to continue. Because obviously, I can do it. I've proven that. But it's so hard and time consuming and overwhelming and I feel like I'm drowning and there's no end in sight. It's going to be like this (or worse) for the next 3 years. I don't think I can handle that. I'd like to have time for things other than work and school. That's all I have time for right now. Work and school. School and work. I'd like to workout and relax and paint and maybe try sculpting. I'd like to read for fun. For myself. Not because I have to for class (and, let's be honest, textbooks are boring as hell). 

I don't want to let people down. But I'm not happy right now. I try to be. I pretend that I am. But I'm tired and irritable and stressed and down. And again, there's no end in sight. If I had time off between classes, then maybe? But my next class starts literally the day after this class ends. I don't even get ONE day off. And then I think, what if I make it through the program. What if I make it, and pass state boards, what then? I have to work under a doctor for 3 years before I can independently prescribe. Where will I be working? Is it going to be somewhere I don't want to? Like the state hospital because no one will hire me? That worries me. Most nurse practitioners start off in a crap job for several years. 

I wish I had clear answers. I wish I could see the future. I wish I knew what I wanted. And I wish I didn't feel horrible for thinking this way.   

Tuesday 12/12/23 It Continues

It continues . . . schoolwork that is. I got 100% on my COPD pamphlet, so that's cool. I honestly figured that I wasn't going to get a good grade on it as I didn't feel it was that creative and creativity was a big portion of the grade. So I was surprised to see that yesterday. Go me. Taking my midterm on Friday so I can maybe have a little time to study (I've been doing this week's discussions today, along with a mandatory work class I had to do), but I work the next 2 days, so . . . when exactly am I going to study? I have no idea. 

In other news, I had therapy yesterday. It was a good session. At least my therapist said it was :) No, it was. My mood has been slipping though. I've been feeling more down this past week, more stressed, more close to tears, and more overwhelmed. I'm also questioning if school is what I really want to be doing. You know - do I really want to be a nurse practitioner and be the one responsible for diagnosing and treating patients? Is that what I truly want or is it only what I think I want? I have no idea, honestly. But I have these doubts in my head and it's making me anxious. Everyone seems to think that I would make a good psychiatric nurse practitioner except for me. But is this because it's not what I really want to do, or is it imposter syndrome? Am I just doubting my abilities so much that I don't want to do this? I have no idea and it's frustrating. I don't know what to do. Hopefully with time I'll figure it out. I had sure better figure it out. 

On that note, I registered for my next class. Advanced physical assessment. Don't know what to expect with that one, just like I didn't know what to expect with this one. And that, of course, makes me anxious. I'm showing that I can do it so far. Lowest grade a 95%? I'm killing it so far (we'll see how my midterm goes on Friday). It's just, I feel like ALL of my free time is school. Because it is. I really don't have time for anything else. I'd love to do some drawing or painting but I simply don't have time. I feel guilty taking the 10 minutes it's taken me to write this. I just don't know if this is the right direction for me. I already feel burnt out. I get no breaks. No breaks for holidays, no breaks between classes. No breaks at all. It's just go, go, go. All the time. There's always school work to be done. 

Time will tell I guess. I just hope it tells me soon.

Tuesday 12/5/23 School and More School

 Well guys, I'm part way through week 3 of my first class. And it is intense. I've done SO MUCH reading from my giant-ass textbook (that literally weighs 10 pounds), have posted 4 discussions and 8 replies, written a paper, and made an educational pamphlet on COPD. So. Much. Work. Next week I have 2 discussions and 4 replies to post and a test. My midterm. Yep. Midterm on week 4 because the class is only 8 weeks long. It's crazy, but I'm doing it. The lowest grade I've gotten so far is a 95% on my paper (I got docked on APA formatting). Haven't turned in my pamphlet yet, so not sure how that's going to be graded. We'll see. All my discussions I've gotten 100%. Go me.

I'm worried about my midterm though. It's soooooo much freaking information and I have trouble recalling information. My memory loss is at play for real. Stupid bipolar and stupid ECT have wrecked my memory. But, we'll see. Who knows - maybe I'll surprise myself. It's 50 questions and we have 150 minutes to take it (3 minutes per question). It's open book, but since it's timed I don't really have the luxury of spending too much time looking up info. So it's more like a closed book test, honestly. 

I haven't had much time for anything other than work and school. School and work. No time for artwork. I feel like I have no time to workout. I can't really read my giant textbook while on the spin bike or doing yoga, ya know? I also haven't been sleeping well the past week or so. Hard time falling asleep, hard time staying asleep, waking up early but being too groggy to really function. It's been great. And I don't have time to nap. I have too much reading to do (reading for next week is over 300 pages). Mood wise I've been mostly okay. Have been feeling a little more down lately, close to tears often, but mostly okay. Kind of. I'm sure the lack of sleep isn't helping. 

That's about it. I'm pretty boring right now. School and work, and work and school. Ugh.

Thursday 11/23/23 Thanksgiving

 This will probably be a short post as we are leaving soon for Denver for thanksgiving festivities. But it's been a while since I last wrote. And, well, school has started and it's been rough. School officially started this past Monday, the 20th. So yeah. I'm 4 days into school and I am freaking out. This is HARD y'all. Like, really hard. It's been over 17 years since I've been in school and I have no idea what I'm doing. I've never done online schooling before. This is all new to me. 

This first week I had 9 chapters to read in my Advanced Pathophysiology book (which is HUGE and weighs literally 10 pounds). Nine chapters. Each chapter has taken me 2 hours to read. I also had to make a discussion post (took me 3 hours to write a paragraph because my brain won't brain properly), respond to 2 other people's posts, and write a paper. All in week one. WTF. I am anxious, overwhelmed, and not happy. I've been close to tears every day this week. I'm frustrated with my stupid brain for not comprehending things and not responding how it used to. 

When I was in nursing school I could jam out papers in no time and had no issues remembering the material. But now . . . now I can't do that. If i were to take a test on those first 9 chapters I would fail it. My brain isn't processing or retaining the information. I can write my blog no problem - but writing a paper is proving nearly impossible. Everything is getting jumbled in my head and I can't seem to write anything that makes sense and is academic and professional. I know this is in large part due to 1. having bipolar disorder, and 2. having done 3 years of ECT. The ECT trashed my memory, both long and short term. I struggle with how to get around my city (that I've lived in since preschool) without GPS. It's pathetic. I used to have no trouble with that before ECT. That's just one example of my brain not braining. And it's becoming more evident now that I'm in school. Which frustrates and saddens me. 

I'm trying to stay positive and not get down on myself. I'm trying not to let my self limiting beliefs get in my way. I'm trying. But it's hard, so hard. A large part of me wants to throw in the towel right now, in week one. Part of me - a small part - wants to keep trying. I guess to make sure I'm truly giving it my all before I quit. It's just that I'm not sure I can handle 3 years of this. Of struggling, of feeling anxious and overwhelmed, of feeling unhappy. It's a lot. But I'm trying. 

I looked ahead to next week. I don't have a paper to write, per se, but I have two discussion questions that will each likely be 2-3 pages long. And the topics? Well, they're over my head. I don't have any idea how to answer them. I also have 6 chapters to read. It's nonstop. ALL of my free time is dedicated to school now and that kind of sucks. Royally sucks. 

Anyway, happy thanksgiving. I'll try to figure out school as best I can. We'll see what my first grades are (I'm nervous).  

Tuesday 11/7/23 Cold Feet

 Been like a week and a half since I last wrote. As the title suggests, I'm getting cold feet. About what, you ask?

School.

Starting school.

I start in less than 2 weeks and I'm getting cold feet. I bought a new laptop this past weekend and I have yet to open the box. I keep thinking, well, if I drop out now I can return the laptop, return my text book, not pay any fees . . . I'm just scared. I'm worried about how I'm going to do with my memory issues. Worried about how hard it's going to be, how much am I going to struggle, how little free time I'm going to have. All of my free time will be devoted to school and I'm not really digging that. I'm going to have to work harder than other people because of my memory issues. I'm just really scared. I keep telling  myself I'll never know if I don't try. I've only truly failed if I don't try. It's a lot though. And the university website shows I'm enrolled but I can't "see" my class. Like, in the online orientation I did, you could "see" your class - the requirements, what book(s) you need, etc. - but I can't see it. The "My Courses" icon isn't a clickable link. So I'm kind of lost. I guess I'm going to have to email my advisor and be like, am I missing something? Or am I just dumb? I don't know. 

I'm telling myself I just have to take one class. Just one class. If I don't like it, if I don't do well, I can quit. Just one class. Because I really won't know if I don't try. And who knows - maybe I'll actually do well. Maybe I'll enjoy it. We'll see. In less than 2 weeks we'll see.

In other news, I saw the cardiologist about my heart palpitations. My EKG there was normal (no surprise there). I'm having an echo done this upcoming Thursday and I get to wear a holter monitor for 3 days (it has been mailed out to me, should get it this week sometime). Some days the palpitations aren't too bad, other days they are awful. Sometimes I have 10-15 noticeable palpitations an hour. Sometimes I only have a couple. But they're still there and they're still annoying. And now I've been getting brain zaps as well. Which I think are totally unrelated to the palpitations (I've tried looking for a correlation online and have found nothing). Typically brain zaps occur when tapering off of an antidepressant - something I am not doing. So I have no idea why I'm getting them. But they, too, are annoying. What the heck is wrong with me??

Anyway, there's nothing much else going on at the moment. I'm not hating work as much as I was, which is good I guess. That's about it. 

Thursday 10/26/23 Ummm, yes

 So I tried registering for my first class today and it's not going smoothly. AKA: I can't register. In my orientation I was told to go to one site to register - the site is "not available". In an email I was told to go to another site - it works, but when I try to register, the class I'm supposed to be taking is not available. Very frustrating. I emailed my academic advisor so we'll see. 

In other news I'm having crazy heart palpitations. It's been going on for 2 months, but it's getting progressively worse. To the point where I'm having trouble talking at times. I've felt my pulse several times during a "palpitation" and it's my heart actually stopping, and then starting again. Like it skips a beat or two and then keeps on going. It's a little worrisome. I'm not digging it. It kind of takes my breath away/makes me cough, and if I'm mid word speaking it screws it up. I see a cardiologist on the 3rd (a week from tomorrow). When I saw my primary care doc they did an EKG (normal) and lab work (normal). Which, it always is. They're not going to catch something on an EKG unless it happens during the 5 seconds the EKG is running. Which is frustrating. Because there's obviously something going on. What I'm feeling is not normal. It tends to be mild in the morning and gets worse as the day goes on. And yeah, I'm a little worried about it. Oy vey. 

There's not much anything else going on at the moment. Work is work, though it hasn't been as horrible as it had been before. Which is good. 

Oh. So something that is decidedly not good is that my best friend is moving away today. Like, far away. To Indiana. Basically starting over from scratch. New state, new house, new job, new everything. And I'm not liking it. I'm trying hard not to think about it too much because I'll cry. We had a going away party for her last night with lots of work peeps and it was good. But I cried on the way home because it made it so much more real. Today she closes on the sale of her home here and the purchase of her home there, and then is leaving. This truly breaks my heart. We'll still be in touch, obviously, texting, face timing, sending memes . . . but it won't be the same. Now I has a profound sad.   

Monday 10/16/23 I was Accepted

 Welp. I was accepted into my nurse practitioners program. Funny, I guess I never really realized that there was a chance that I wouldn't be accepted. I submitted my application and was like yep. I'm in. But then I got a call from my admissions rep congratulating me on getting in and it dawned on me that I could have been rejected. But anyway, I'm in. And yes, I'm still terrified. Everyone seems to think that I'll do so good and that this is just what I need to be doing. But I'm not convinced.

I saw my therapist last Thursday and told her that I had applied and had been accepted. She was proud of me and happy for me and mentioned that she thought it was going to take months to even get me thinking about applying. Well I proved her wrong! But no really - I'm as shocked as she was. We spent our time going over my fears of school and my perceived short comings. She's going to help me not self sabotage, which is good, because I tend to do that. I'll see her again the week before school starts (first day is November 20th!). I'm nervous. I'm scared shitless, lets be honest. Hopefully this will be good.

Today has been weird. I don't feel right. I've been sick this past week and a half with a cold - achy, congested, cough - but today I feel weird. Like I'm tipsy or something. Almost lightheaded but not quite. Kind of like I'm not real. I don't like it. I have reading I need to do and all I want to do is lie down because of how I feel. I spent the morning drawing a commission and I'm still in my jammies. And I feel tipsy and I really don't like it. I'll probably lie down for at least a little bit, hope this feeling passes. I can't focus or concentrate at the moment because of it. 

Ugh. Okay. I gotta go lie down. That's enough for today. 

Wednesday 10/4/23 I did it

 Well, I did it. I submitted my application and all my goodies (driver's license, transcripts, resume) to the nurse practitioner program at Post University. Just finished, actually. I feel accomplished but scared. Excited but really terrified. I mean, wow. It's real. I did it. I applied. And I really have mixed feelings about it. Mainly because I am scared. This is a big deal. A HUGE deal. Going back to school is no joke. It's going to be tough. Part of me is unsure that this is the right decision. This part of me is scared of new and different, wants everything to stay the same. It's questioning everything I'm doing and it's quite draining. I'm doing my best to listen to this part but ultimately am ignoring it. I should probably try to understand where it's coming from, comfort it, and help it see the good that could come from this decision. I'm sure that's what my therapist would want me to do. But it's hard to do that. I want to ignore it because this part is putting doubts in my mind, and those doubts are taking hold. Which is not good. 

See, I'm my own worst enemy. I have limiting core beliefs, poor self esteem, lack of confidence. And so these little doubts are trying to sabotage what I'm doing. Telling me that I can't do it. That I'm going to fail, so why even try? I hate this. I'm actively trying to change my beliefs, raise my self esteem and confidence levels, and stop self sabotaging. I know school is going to be hard and scary and new and different and above all . . . difficult. But maybe, just maybe, I need the challenge. Maybe I need something different. Maybe I can actually succeed and do some good with my education. The only way I'm going to know is if I try. Maybe I'll find out that school really isn't for me. And if that's the case, then I'll know. But I need to try. This is what Jeremy keeps telling me. That the only way I'll truly fail is by not even trying. I am scared though. I'm worried that because of my memory issues from having done three years of ECT I'll struggle, that I won't be able to retain information. But again, I won't know if I don't try. So try I will. 

To get me ready for school we retired my old art desk. I've had it for over 10 years (Jeremy built it for me using cabinets and a countertop). It served its purpose well but it was time for an upgrade. My new desk is pretty nice. And we got it for a steal (it was originally $1799 but we only ended up paying $681 for it!). I had to clear out my old desk and I got rid of a TON of stuff. It was a nice purge of the old. I also cleaned up my office a bit. I'm getting rid of all my sewing stuff as I don't enjoy sewing any more. It was fun back in the day (6-10 years ago), but it doesn't bring me joy any more. So, out with all of that stuff. Which cleared up some space in my office so it's not as cluttered.

Here's my new desk, all set up:

Quite lovely, yes? I love it. I still need to get a new chair, as my current one isn't the most comfortable. But it's coming along nicely. My own little workspace. The right side of the desk (where the printer is) will be for school, the left side for art (like I'll have time for art while in school, pfft). 

So anyway, I'm excited and terrified. I'm trying to squelch the negative side of me. I'm trying to see all the positives, boost my confidence levels, and move forward. My tentative start date will be November 20th. Just over a month away. Wish me luck.

Tuesday 9/26/23 Birthday

 Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 45. I'm not one of those people who are upset about aging, but man - I'm getting close to 50! Holy cow! I spent the day at work. And, not surprisingly, it was a shit show. Again. I'm so sick of it always being this way. Even did compressions on a baby for 3.5 minutes. Happy birthday to me. But what was nice was I came home from work to find that Jer had decorated a little bit for my birthday, gotten me a card and a cake and my favorite candy bar and gotten my a cute little succulent. That was nice. I was glad for that - it helped.

This morning I talked with a gal from Post University about their PMHNP program (psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner). And I just ordered my transcripts from UCCS (where I got my BSN from). This is terrifying y'all. I'm doing it. I'm going to go back to school. I'm going to become a nurse practitioner. In mental health. Oh MAN this is scary. But I can do it. I know I can. I just need to convince myself of that. And that's hard. So hard. I have low self esteem. I never think I'm good enough. I have imposter syndrome. So convincing myself that I can go back to school, to get my NP, is tough. But I'm determined. I've talked with some people at work about it and they all think I should do it and that I would be good at being a mental health practitioner. This gives me hope. Other people believe I can do it, maybe I can believe that myself. I have a lot of work to do - both before I enroll and after (obviously after - I'll be in school!). I could start as early as October 16th. Wow. Maybe that's too soon. Maybe November would be better. I don't know. I just know that I'm scared and excited. Schooling will require 16-20 hours a week. Which is a lot. Especially on top of working full time. All of my free time is going to be spent studying. Wow. Courses are 8 weeks, one course at a time. Which feels more doable. Sort of. A regular semester is 16 weeks, so it's still like I'm taking 2 classes a semester, they're just not concurrent. Two years and 10 months to complete. Wow. I mean, the time is going to pass no matter what, I might as well be doing something with it, right? This is crazy.

I'm going to stop now. I have a headache and things to do. And I'm a ball of anxiety. Mild anxiety, but anxiety none the less.  

Wednesday 9/20/23 Stuff n Stuff

 Welp, here we are again, hanging out on my blog. I'm in a 3 day stretch of being off from work and it's glorious. I worked Sunday and Monday, and I work Friday. And I don't want to go in on Friday. It's still a literal dumpster fire at work. An understaffed shit show. And I'm so tired and burnt out. Monday made me not want to do my job anymore. We had 8 deliveries before 1pm and it was getting unsafe. My coworker and I voiced our concerns, only to be shot down by management, saying we were not in the position to make that decision. Basically saying that our concerns didn't matter and they weren't going to even look into them. Wow, okay. Thanks for that. Thanks for making us feel valued. 

I'm thinking more and more that I want to go back to school for my PMHNP (psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner). I've been researching schools and talking with coworkers who are getting their NP right now. Most of them are getting their family practice NP, so my trajectory will be a bit different, but at least I'm getting an idea. The prospect of going back to school is truly terrifying. I'm scared. It's going to be hard and different and costly. It's going to take time. It's going to take a lot of effort. And it's really, really scary. I haven't been in school for over 17 years. I haven't yet worked in psych but it's what I want my NP in. So that's scary too. I have no experience in psych. How much harder will that make my schooling? I have personal experience . . . but no working experience. Oy. I'm almost paralyzed with fear. I read a quote today that said, "if nothing changed over the next 10 years, would you be happy?" And it got me thinking, would I be happy? No, I don't think I would be. In my private life, yes, because my private life is good. But my work life? No. I've been doing the same thing for 15 years. The past 4 or so years have been trying. Have been difficult. And the burnout is real, y'all. I'm finding myself not enjoying my job. I'm more cynical and angry. I have less empathy and tolerance and patience. I don't like who I am when I'm at work. I don't feel valued or appreciated. Even by coworkers. I feel like I'm done. Like I need to move on, find something else. And that something else just happens to involve more education. But I'm scared. 

I just finished an online psychiatric first aid course. Just a little something I figured I'd try, test the waters I guess you could say. And I did fine. It would be cool to take a psychology class or two to get a feel of what being back in school is like, but I'm not really finding anything online that I don't have to be enrolled in college to take. I think it would be helpful. I need to relearn APA format for writing papers. I haven't written a paper in FOREVER. Can I even write a paper?? My coworker says she has a paper to write about every other week. They're not long papers - 2-5 pages - but still. That's a lot of papers for someone who hasn't written anything in almost 20 years. So scary. But I can do hard things, right? Sure I can. Sure I can. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I'm leaning more and more on taking the leap. Going back to school. It'll just be hard. I'll still have to work full time, which sucks. But there's no way around that. I'll have to make it work. At least I don't have small children to take care of. Ayden takes care of himself (now if he would just start driving . . .). 

Okay. That's all for today. I'm waiting for a call from Chamberlain University to discuss their PMHNP program. So scary.

Sunday 1/16/22 Covid

 It was just a matter of time before covid hit my household. With me being a nurse and my son going to public school . . . yeah. Just a matter of time. 

Ayden started with a stomach ache last Tuesday. He missed school Tuesday and Wednesday because of it. We were thinking food poisoning from tainted fish because he had no other symptoms. He went to school Thursday only to come home early with headache, nausea, chills, and feeling dizzy. Jer (hubby), took him for a covid test which came back positive this morning.

Yesterday I went to work with chest congestion, a slight cough and mild headache. Didn't really think anything of it. I texted Jer around 10 asking how he was doing and he said he was sick with chills, headache, etc. 

Uh oh.

I still decided it was nothing, but I was getting progressively worse as the day went on. So I called in sick for today just to be safe and of course Ayden's test came back positive. Jer and I got tested today and I'm sure we'll both be positive too. Turns out I have to be tested again by my work on Tuesday. Joy. Those nasal swabs tickle!

Overall I'm not feeling too bad. My headache this morning was awful, but some cold medicine and coffee helped that. I'm congested and coughing and the fatigue is no joke. But overall I'd say not too bad. Thank God. 

And, thankfully, my mood hasn't been too bad. I'm a little withdrawn, flat, meh, but not overly depressed (at least the last 3 days). So that's a win too. Because the last thing I need is to be depressed while I'm sick. That would be the worst.