Wednesday 1/10/24 Almost Done

 Well, I'm almost done with my first (and only) class. I have my final to take, which I plan on taking on Friday this week. And then, my friends, I am done. And let me tell you, I am soooooo looking forward to not doing school work every day I have off (and sometimes on days when I'm at work). I'm so burned out after just one class it's ridiculous. School anymore just isn't for me and now I know that. It kinda sucks, because I'm doing well (I have a 97% in the class) but I just can't do it. I've been completely miserable. But with an end in sight I feel free, I feel hopeful, I feel better. I'm glad I tried and found out. And I'm glad I found out early instead of 3-4 classes in and spending all that money (the master's program is NOT cheap). Am I a little bummed? Yeah, of course I am. But I think this is for the better. I wouldn't be able to handle 3 years of intense, back-to-back classes with no break whatsoever. I'm doing the right thing and I'm okay with it. And I'm lucky in that so far everyone is supporting me in my decision. No one is giving me a hard time except for myself. Which is good. Because I was worried about letting people down or people thinking less of me. An unfounded worry, I suppose.

There isn't much of anything else going on. I've been so focused on school that I have nothing new to report. I started reading a new book the other night - one just for fun (not my dumb textbook). It's nice to be able to just read for fun. I've missed it. 

That's all for now. Short and sweet, unlike me. ;)

Saturday 12/30/23 Decision Time

 Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. And, of course, with the new year comes new year's resolutions and whatnot. And, with the new year coming, I've made a major decision: I'm not going to do school anymore. That's right. I'm dropping out. I will finish my course that I'm currently in, but after that . . . I'm done. I don't see myself as being a nurse practitioner, I don't see myself surviving 3 years of school. I don't even see myself making it through one more class. Originally I thought I would try one more. Just to see how it goes. But I can't. It's too overwhelming. I'm so stressed already from my first class. I'm in survival mode. I can't do another 8 weeks of this. Hell, I still have 2 weeks to go in my current class and I'm wondering how I'm going to make it. 

So, no. I'm quitting. And I'm at peace with my decision. I feel as though a weight has been lifted. I'm still worried about disappointing people, but it will be okay. I told Jeremy last night, around 11pm, because I couldn't sleep. I didn't fall asleep until after 2am, and then I only slept fitfully. Which is how most nights have been since starting school. He said he wasn't disappointed in me and told me that he thought I was doing better than I give myself credit for. But he doesn't know what goes on inside my head. Or how anxious and tired I am. Or how overwhelmed I am. I'm just done.

So. No more school. I feel guilty about spending the money on it. On a new desk, laptop, monitor, keyboard and mouse, printer/scanner, tuition . . . But hey. At least now I know, I guess. It was an expensive learning experience. Oy vey.

As for new year's resolutions, I just want to be healthy and happy. Mentally and physically healthy and happy. That's it.

Thursday 12/21/23 Almost Christmas

 Well, it's almost Christmas. Isn't that great. I'm not big into Christmas, never have been, so I don't really care all that much. Though it would have been nice to have time off from school for it. But no, we don't get holidays off. We get to plug right on through. Joy.

I had my midterm last week, which I got a 90% on. The only reason I got a 90% was because it was open book. Had it not been open book I would have failed it. I only knew the answer to one question out of 50. Not good. It was hyper-specific and insanely difficult. I mean, open book and I still missed 5 questions. This doesn't make me optimistic for other tests. I don't know if in my next class tests will be open book or not. If not, then I do believe I'm screwed. And my 3P exam (the test I take after my first 3 classes) is closed book and proctored. So yeah. I'm really screwed. 

And, if I'm being completely honest, I'm not sure I want to continue in the program. I keep thinking, do I really want to be the person to diagnose and treat people? That's a LOT of responsibility. And I don't know if I want that kind of responsibility. It scares me, quite honestly. I'm not sure I can do it. I'm not sure I want to do it. And I feel like I can't tell people that. Because everyone is so proud of me going back to school. And I'm doing it and getting good grades and people are proud. Like Jeremy. I don't want to let him down by quitting but I don't know if I really want to continue. Because obviously, I can do it. I've proven that. But it's so hard and time consuming and overwhelming and I feel like I'm drowning and there's no end in sight. It's going to be like this (or worse) for the next 3 years. I don't think I can handle that. I'd like to have time for things other than work and school. That's all I have time for right now. Work and school. School and work. I'd like to workout and relax and paint and maybe try sculpting. I'd like to read for fun. For myself. Not because I have to for class (and, let's be honest, textbooks are boring as hell). 

I don't want to let people down. But I'm not happy right now. I try to be. I pretend that I am. But I'm tired and irritable and stressed and down. And again, there's no end in sight. If I had time off between classes, then maybe? But my next class starts literally the day after this class ends. I don't even get ONE day off. And then I think, what if I make it through the program. What if I make it, and pass state boards, what then? I have to work under a doctor for 3 years before I can independently prescribe. Where will I be working? Is it going to be somewhere I don't want to? Like the state hospital because no one will hire me? That worries me. Most nurse practitioners start off in a crap job for several years. 

I wish I had clear answers. I wish I could see the future. I wish I knew what I wanted. And I wish I didn't feel horrible for thinking this way.   

Tuesday 12/12/23 It Continues

It continues . . . schoolwork that is. I got 100% on my COPD pamphlet, so that's cool. I honestly figured that I wasn't going to get a good grade on it as I didn't feel it was that creative and creativity was a big portion of the grade. So I was surprised to see that yesterday. Go me. Taking my midterm on Friday so I can maybe have a little time to study (I've been doing this week's discussions today, along with a mandatory work class I had to do), but I work the next 2 days, so . . . when exactly am I going to study? I have no idea. 

In other news, I had therapy yesterday. It was a good session. At least my therapist said it was :) No, it was. My mood has been slipping though. I've been feeling more down this past week, more stressed, more close to tears, and more overwhelmed. I'm also questioning if school is what I really want to be doing. You know - do I really want to be a nurse practitioner and be the one responsible for diagnosing and treating patients? Is that what I truly want or is it only what I think I want? I have no idea, honestly. But I have these doubts in my head and it's making me anxious. Everyone seems to think that I would make a good psychiatric nurse practitioner except for me. But is this because it's not what I really want to do, or is it imposter syndrome? Am I just doubting my abilities so much that I don't want to do this? I have no idea and it's frustrating. I don't know what to do. Hopefully with time I'll figure it out. I had sure better figure it out. 

On that note, I registered for my next class. Advanced physical assessment. Don't know what to expect with that one, just like I didn't know what to expect with this one. And that, of course, makes me anxious. I'm showing that I can do it so far. Lowest grade a 95%? I'm killing it so far (we'll see how my midterm goes on Friday). It's just, I feel like ALL of my free time is school. Because it is. I really don't have time for anything else. I'd love to do some drawing or painting but I simply don't have time. I feel guilty taking the 10 minutes it's taken me to write this. I just don't know if this is the right direction for me. I already feel burnt out. I get no breaks. No breaks for holidays, no breaks between classes. No breaks at all. It's just go, go, go. All the time. There's always school work to be done. 

Time will tell I guess. I just hope it tells me soon.

Tuesday 12/5/23 School and More School

 Well guys, I'm part way through week 3 of my first class. And it is intense. I've done SO MUCH reading from my giant-ass textbook (that literally weighs 10 pounds), have posted 4 discussions and 8 replies, written a paper, and made an educational pamphlet on COPD. So. Much. Work. Next week I have 2 discussions and 4 replies to post and a test. My midterm. Yep. Midterm on week 4 because the class is only 8 weeks long. It's crazy, but I'm doing it. The lowest grade I've gotten so far is a 95% on my paper (I got docked on APA formatting). Haven't turned in my pamphlet yet, so not sure how that's going to be graded. We'll see. All my discussions I've gotten 100%. Go me.

I'm worried about my midterm though. It's soooooo much freaking information and I have trouble recalling information. My memory loss is at play for real. Stupid bipolar and stupid ECT have wrecked my memory. But, we'll see. Who knows - maybe I'll surprise myself. It's 50 questions and we have 150 minutes to take it (3 minutes per question). It's open book, but since it's timed I don't really have the luxury of spending too much time looking up info. So it's more like a closed book test, honestly. 

I haven't had much time for anything other than work and school. School and work. No time for artwork. I feel like I have no time to workout. I can't really read my giant textbook while on the spin bike or doing yoga, ya know? I also haven't been sleeping well the past week or so. Hard time falling asleep, hard time staying asleep, waking up early but being too groggy to really function. It's been great. And I don't have time to nap. I have too much reading to do (reading for next week is over 300 pages). Mood wise I've been mostly okay. Have been feeling a little more down lately, close to tears often, but mostly okay. Kind of. I'm sure the lack of sleep isn't helping. 

That's about it. I'm pretty boring right now. School and work, and work and school. Ugh.

Thursday 11/23/23 Thanksgiving

 This will probably be a short post as we are leaving soon for Denver for thanksgiving festivities. But it's been a while since I last wrote. And, well, school has started and it's been rough. School officially started this past Monday, the 20th. So yeah. I'm 4 days into school and I am freaking out. This is HARD y'all. Like, really hard. It's been over 17 years since I've been in school and I have no idea what I'm doing. I've never done online schooling before. This is all new to me. 

This first week I had 9 chapters to read in my Advanced Pathophysiology book (which is HUGE and weighs literally 10 pounds). Nine chapters. Each chapter has taken me 2 hours to read. I also had to make a discussion post (took me 3 hours to write a paragraph because my brain won't brain properly), respond to 2 other people's posts, and write a paper. All in week one. WTF. I am anxious, overwhelmed, and not happy. I've been close to tears every day this week. I'm frustrated with my stupid brain for not comprehending things and not responding how it used to. 

When I was in nursing school I could jam out papers in no time and had no issues remembering the material. But now . . . now I can't do that. If i were to take a test on those first 9 chapters I would fail it. My brain isn't processing or retaining the information. I can write my blog no problem - but writing a paper is proving nearly impossible. Everything is getting jumbled in my head and I can't seem to write anything that makes sense and is academic and professional. I know this is in large part due to 1. having bipolar disorder, and 2. having done 3 years of ECT. The ECT trashed my memory, both long and short term. I struggle with how to get around my city (that I've lived in since preschool) without GPS. It's pathetic. I used to have no trouble with that before ECT. That's just one example of my brain not braining. And it's becoming more evident now that I'm in school. Which frustrates and saddens me. 

I'm trying to stay positive and not get down on myself. I'm trying not to let my self limiting beliefs get in my way. I'm trying. But it's hard, so hard. A large part of me wants to throw in the towel right now, in week one. Part of me - a small part - wants to keep trying. I guess to make sure I'm truly giving it my all before I quit. It's just that I'm not sure I can handle 3 years of this. Of struggling, of feeling anxious and overwhelmed, of feeling unhappy. It's a lot. But I'm trying. 

I looked ahead to next week. I don't have a paper to write, per se, but I have two discussion questions that will each likely be 2-3 pages long. And the topics? Well, they're over my head. I don't have any idea how to answer them. I also have 6 chapters to read. It's nonstop. ALL of my free time is dedicated to school now and that kind of sucks. Royally sucks. 

Anyway, happy thanksgiving. I'll try to figure out school as best I can. We'll see what my first grades are (I'm nervous).  

Tuesday 11/7/23 Cold Feet

 Been like a week and a half since I last wrote. As the title suggests, I'm getting cold feet. About what, you ask?

School.

Starting school.

I start in less than 2 weeks and I'm getting cold feet. I bought a new laptop this past weekend and I have yet to open the box. I keep thinking, well, if I drop out now I can return the laptop, return my text book, not pay any fees . . . I'm just scared. I'm worried about how I'm going to do with my memory issues. Worried about how hard it's going to be, how much am I going to struggle, how little free time I'm going to have. All of my free time will be devoted to school and I'm not really digging that. I'm going to have to work harder than other people because of my memory issues. I'm just really scared. I keep telling  myself I'll never know if I don't try. I've only truly failed if I don't try. It's a lot though. And the university website shows I'm enrolled but I can't "see" my class. Like, in the online orientation I did, you could "see" your class - the requirements, what book(s) you need, etc. - but I can't see it. The "My Courses" icon isn't a clickable link. So I'm kind of lost. I guess I'm going to have to email my advisor and be like, am I missing something? Or am I just dumb? I don't know. 

I'm telling myself I just have to take one class. Just one class. If I don't like it, if I don't do well, I can quit. Just one class. Because I really won't know if I don't try. And who knows - maybe I'll actually do well. Maybe I'll enjoy it. We'll see. In less than 2 weeks we'll see.

In other news, I saw the cardiologist about my heart palpitations. My EKG there was normal (no surprise there). I'm having an echo done this upcoming Thursday and I get to wear a holter monitor for 3 days (it has been mailed out to me, should get it this week sometime). Some days the palpitations aren't too bad, other days they are awful. Sometimes I have 10-15 noticeable palpitations an hour. Sometimes I only have a couple. But they're still there and they're still annoying. And now I've been getting brain zaps as well. Which I think are totally unrelated to the palpitations (I've tried looking for a correlation online and have found nothing). Typically brain zaps occur when tapering off of an antidepressant - something I am not doing. So I have no idea why I'm getting them. But they, too, are annoying. What the heck is wrong with me??

Anyway, there's nothing much else going on at the moment. I'm not hating work as much as I was, which is good I guess. That's about it. 

Wednesday 10/4/23 I did it

 Well, I did it. I submitted my application and all my goodies (driver's license, transcripts, resume) to the nurse practitioner program at Post University. Just finished, actually. I feel accomplished but scared. Excited but really terrified. I mean, wow. It's real. I did it. I applied. And I really have mixed feelings about it. Mainly because I am scared. This is a big deal. A HUGE deal. Going back to school is no joke. It's going to be tough. Part of me is unsure that this is the right decision. This part of me is scared of new and different, wants everything to stay the same. It's questioning everything I'm doing and it's quite draining. I'm doing my best to listen to this part but ultimately am ignoring it. I should probably try to understand where it's coming from, comfort it, and help it see the good that could come from this decision. I'm sure that's what my therapist would want me to do. But it's hard to do that. I want to ignore it because this part is putting doubts in my mind, and those doubts are taking hold. Which is not good. 

See, I'm my own worst enemy. I have limiting core beliefs, poor self esteem, lack of confidence. And so these little doubts are trying to sabotage what I'm doing. Telling me that I can't do it. That I'm going to fail, so why even try? I hate this. I'm actively trying to change my beliefs, raise my self esteem and confidence levels, and stop self sabotaging. I know school is going to be hard and scary and new and different and above all . . . difficult. But maybe, just maybe, I need the challenge. Maybe I need something different. Maybe I can actually succeed and do some good with my education. The only way I'm going to know is if I try. Maybe I'll find out that school really isn't for me. And if that's the case, then I'll know. But I need to try. This is what Jeremy keeps telling me. That the only way I'll truly fail is by not even trying. I am scared though. I'm worried that because of my memory issues from having done three years of ECT I'll struggle, that I won't be able to retain information. But again, I won't know if I don't try. So try I will. 

To get me ready for school we retired my old art desk. I've had it for over 10 years (Jeremy built it for me using cabinets and a countertop). It served its purpose well but it was time for an upgrade. My new desk is pretty nice. And we got it for a steal (it was originally $1799 but we only ended up paying $681 for it!). I had to clear out my old desk and I got rid of a TON of stuff. It was a nice purge of the old. I also cleaned up my office a bit. I'm getting rid of all my sewing stuff as I don't enjoy sewing any more. It was fun back in the day (6-10 years ago), but it doesn't bring me joy any more. So, out with all of that stuff. Which cleared up some space in my office so it's not as cluttered.

Here's my new desk, all set up:

Quite lovely, yes? I love it. I still need to get a new chair, as my current one isn't the most comfortable. But it's coming along nicely. My own little workspace. The right side of the desk (where the printer is) will be for school, the left side for art (like I'll have time for art while in school, pfft). 

So anyway, I'm excited and terrified. I'm trying to squelch the negative side of me. I'm trying to see all the positives, boost my confidence levels, and move forward. My tentative start date will be November 20th. Just over a month away. Wish me luck.