Wednesday 1/14/26 Another Sporadic Post

 Well, Happy New Year! It's been about 2.5 months since my last post, quite a while. See, when things are going alright I don't post much - I don't really have anything interesting to talk about (depression makes me want to write, doing well makes me not want to write). And I've been doing well, for a long while now. Which is awesome. But makes me boring, I guess.

I do have some news though: I tore the labrum in my right hip and will be having surgery on February 9th to repair it. I'll be on crutches for 4 weeks (bummer) and out of work for 12 weeks (yay?). Weeks 5-12 will probably be okay, and may be a nice break from the chaos that is work. But the first 4 weeks . . . uh, probably not so fun. I can't do much while being on crutches. I won't be able to put full weight on my right leg during this time and have a bending restriction which will make doing even normal tasks difficult (like putting on socks and showering, or making my lunch). So this will be fun. Hubby is taking the day of surgery off and working from home that first week to be able to help me, but after that . . . well, I won't have a ton of help at home. My son will be back in classes (he's getting his CNA certification, among other classes, so will be gone much of the day as well). So this shall prove . . . interesting. I'm not going to shower every day and will do so in the evenings when hubby is home rahter than in the mornings when I'm by myself - too much of a hassel (even with a shower chair). I'll be relegated to the upstairs for a while, which sucks as my studio is downstairs (our house is a split level - so when you enter the front door you can either go up or down). So maybe no art from me for a few weeks after surgery. I'll probably read a lot (I just bought 4 new books so I've got reading material). I have a feeling I'm going to be bored. Not working for 12 weeks is crazy to me (I only took 6 weeks off after I had my son). So yeah. I'll have to enlist friends coming over to entertain me until I'm off crutches and can drive. Ugh. But, I've been in pain for many months and haven't been sleeping well because of said pain, so something needs to be done (physical therapy and NSAIDS do nothing). 

In other news, work is busy. Still. It's always busy now. It's dumb. Really dumb. I feel bad about being gone for 12 weeks - especially since we have 3 other nurses who will be out the same time on maternity leave. So that sucks for my manager. But I guess that's why she gets paid the big bucks, to sort this shit out (she is bringing in 3 travel nurses for 12 weeks, so that'll help). 

Hmm . . . what else? Honestly, nothing really. Just plugging along with life. Toodle loo!

Tuesday 10/28/25 I'm making an appearance

 I really rarely write anymore, have you noticed? Probably not - I have like one or two people who look at my blog I think. But yeah, it's been since July, right? And it's the end of October. Holy cow. Time really flies.

Things are pretty status quo. My cousin Johnny got married the begining of October. We (hubby, son, and I) flew out to California for the wedding. We stayed only a long weekend, Friday through Monday. It was quite lovely though. Johnny got married at my other cousin's gourd farm (my cousin Jaime owns Welburn Farms - the largest gourd farm in the US). We stayed at the house on Jaime's ranch with my uncle, his wife, and my aunt. It was great to see family. We rented a car while out there and we paid for an upgraded car, because why not? We got a Maseratti. Yep. A Maseratti. We thought we were pretty hot stuff at first. But then we had to google how to turn on the headlights because we couldn't figure it out. WTF. And my cousin Jaime's ranch is in a canyon near Temecula. In this canyon you lose cell service. For the entire canyon area. When we were leaving to head back to San Diego on Sunday EVERY warning light came on in the car. Here we were, in this remote canyon wothout cell service, and the car going haywire. It was very concerning. We didn't stop until we reached Temecula (what if we stopped and the car wouldn't start again? We'd have MILES of walking to reach cell service). Stopped at a McDonalds and turned the car off. Started it again and it thankfully started back up. But with the check engine light on. Like, seriously. This car is a year old. WTF. So we drove the hour and a half back to San Diego and returned it, complained, and they refunded us a day's worth of fees. It was a little stressful. I don't recommend getting a Maseratti. 

Work. Ahhhh, work. It sucks. We've been so fucking busy. Every shift that I'm charge we're stupid busy and short staffed. Every. Single. Time. I'm so over it. And the one thing I really like about my job - nursery, where I attend deliveries - is being taken from us. Namely, those of us on mom/baby who do nursery. It is going to be transeferred to the labor nurses (who don't want to do it). Which royally sucks. It's going to take time - like a year or so - as we have to train the labor nurses how to take care of babies, but this really sucks. So that, coupled with how busy we are, makes me question if I want to stay working there. I'm pretty burnt out at the moment. I've been doing my job for 17 years. I'm fucking good at it. But I'm not sure I want to do it anymore. Which is terrifying. New is scary. And I'm limited with what I can do. Moving elsewhere in the hospital means going to night shift, which I physically and mentally can't do. I could do an out patinet surgery center. Several of our nurses have left to do this and relaly like it. However, that would be a massive pay cut (think $20 or more an hour). We can't really afford that. A coworker suggested doing preop/postop in my hospital, which I guess I could do. I don't want to be in the OR though - surgeons are dick wads. So I have no idea. Everything is up in the air right now. I don't want to lose nursery, I don't want to do charge, and I feel stuck. I don't know what to do. I'll figure it out eventually. Hopefully.

Weight loss. A little over a year ago I was on semaglutide. I lost around 35 pounds but was sick and lightheaded all the time. So I stopped it and gained all the weight back, rather rapidly. Well, I'm back on semaglutide, a low dose. I've lost 13 pounds. The weight loss is much slower than the first time, around .5-1 pound a week. Sustainable weight loss. Which is what I want. So I'm less likely to gain it back when I go off of it. With a smaller dose I'm much less nauseous, much less lightheaded. So, hopefully I'll continue to slowly lose weight and then be able to keep it off (because I don't want to be on it long term - it's expensive!).

My son is in college, doing well, and trying to put in place the steps needed for him to trnasfer to a school in Osaka, Japan in a couple of years. We'll see how that goes. I think he very much has rose colored glasses on right now. But he really wants to do it, so, more power to him. We'll help him with what we can. No transitioning yet, I think he may be having second thoughts. Which is fine by us, whatever makes him happy. He hasn't really wanted to talk about it. 

So anyway, that's about it. Pretty boring stuff, I know. I'm a boring person. And I'm okay with that.   

Monday 7/28/25 Two months, damn

 It's been over 2 months, actually. Kind of crazy. And just goes to show that I have nothing to really write about. In the past, the more depressed I was, the more I was struggling, the more I would write. And now . . . well, now I'm doing so well. Writing about regular life seems so mundane, so boring. Because it kind of is. Like, we went to Japan again - and that was AWESOME - but there's not much else going on. I'm trying to work out consistently, eat healthier, do yoga (which I truly do love), and keep stress levels down.

My son, who you may or may not remember came out as trans, is not yet transitioning. Some days he dresses a little more femininely, some days more masculine, but he's the same kid regardless. He's working pretty much full time, saving money for - get this - school in Japan. He's going to go to Pikes Peak State College for a year or two and then he hopes to transfer to a university in Osaka, Japan. This came as a shock to hubs and I, but I mean, if he really wants it then more power to him. Might as well do it while you're young and without a ton of obligations. 

Other than that everything is status quo. Work is work. I was actually supposed to work today but was put on stand by (and have yet to be called off or called in). So I'm just chilling. Worked out, read a bit, going to maybe draw some . . . boring stuff. But, boring is good. Because it means I'm doing good. No news is good news, right?

Monday 9/9/24 Sick

 Sick. We've all been sick this past week and a half. It's been great fun. I didn't think one person could produce so much mucus, but here we are. I'm feeling better, mostly, still feel tired and run down, with a cough and runny nose and chest congestion. It started with Ayden, then Jeremy got sick, then me. I'm not enjoying this, to say the least. Oh well, life goes on.

There isn't anything else going on though. Work is work. I had to call in sick a day last week because of this cold. I was supposed to be nursery yesterday but ended up charge instead. Again. I'm so sick of being charge every single shift. It should start getting better this week - I'm scheduled on the floor the next two days I work, so . . . we'll see. 

My  weight loss has kind of stalled out at 30 pounds and I don't know how much longer I'm going to stay on the semiglutide. I'm tired of being nauseous all the time and gagging over everything (taking vitamins, drinking plain water, etc.). It's getting old. I was really hoping to lose another 20 pounds but I just don't know if that's going to happen. I definitely feel better where I'm at now than when I started - 30 pounds is a lot of weight! - but I still have a ways to go to be where I want to be. I don't know what my decision will be though. Time will tell I guess. 

That's all for now. I'm pretty boring.

Friday 8/23/24 Iced Coffee

 Iced coffee is the bomb diggity. I'm drinking some right now. I will almost never say no to an iced coffee - even in winter. 

Anyway, I am sore. I started lifting weights again this week and I probably did too much too soon. I haven't lifted weights in a long time (6, 7 months?) and I think I pushed myself a little too hard. I'm paying for it now. Oh well. I need to be consistently working out, and I need to be lifting weights. But I'll go a little easier on myself next week. I have, however, lost 30 pounds, which I'm pretty happy with. In a perfect world I'd lose another 20, but I'm getting tired of the constant nausea from the semaglutide. I'm not sure how much longer I'll stay on it.

I've found myself feeling blah lately. Not down or anything, just blah. No motivation, no inspiration, just a bump on a pickle. I don't like feeling this way but I can't seem to snap myself out of it. I don't know what I need. I know work isn't helping with this. I feel so exhausted on my days off that I don't accomplish much. We're short staffed every. Single. Day. And I'm fucking over it. And I'm charge. Every. Single. Shift. And I'm over that, too. I work this weekend and I'm  - surprise! - charge. And all next week too. I think the following week I start to do charge less. Thank god. But it's been miserable. Being constantly busy and constantly short staffed and constantly working my ass off. 

In other news, we booked our flights to Japan for next year. Very exciting stuff. This time we're flying straight from Denver to Tokyo - no layovers like last time, which will be nice. Last year we flew out of the Colorado Springs airport so we had to stop in Las Vegas before continuing on to LA, and then LA to Tokyo. On the way back was Tokyo to LA, LA to Phoenix, and Phoenix to Colorado Springs. Too many stops and chances of delayed flights (which Phoenix to Colorado Springs was delayed 3 hours). So yeah. This will be much nicer. Now we need to figure out our itinerary so we can book hotels. 

That's it for now.

Thursday 8/8/24 Stuff and Stuff

 Well, it's been a while again since I've written. There's nothing too exciting going on, at least not today. I went to the DMV to get custom plates for my new truck - they'll say ICKYDOG. I'm excited for them. And the DMV surprisingly didn't take long and wasn't nearly as expensive as I thought it would be, so yay! And I'm doing laundry, so much fun.

We did, however, go to California last week to visit my family (my grandma and uncle). It was a short trip (4 days) but was lovely. We stayed with my Uncle and aunt and saw 2 of my cousins and spent lots of time with my grandma (who isn't doing the greatest). We also went to Newport Beach and Little Tokyo (in LA), and got Ayden a haircut in LA (which looks good). It was a busy 4 days but it was nice to be gone from regular life for a bit. And always nice to see family.

Work is still work. I'm charge every shift and that's annoying. But there's not much I can do about that right now. Hopefully that will get better by the end of August. We're still busy and we're still short staffed. It is what it is, I guess.

My mood, however, is doing a little better. Not as much existential dread or irritability, which is good. Maybe our quick trip helped with that. 

I still can't get photos to upload here. I can view my images, but can't get them to upload. It's very annoying. So again, no artwork today.

Wednesday 7/17/24 Ugh

 I've had some more rough days. Both at work and at home. Yesterday and Monday in particular were not great. Monday I was down and had no energy. Yesterday I was irritable and down and couldn't seem to get out of my funk. I felt like Jer was mad at me (he wasn't). But I felt that way so it was harder for me to come out of my funk. I'm over feeling like this. Why? Why does it always have to come back? Yeah. I know. I have bipolar disorder. That's what it does. But why can't I go a little hypomanic? Just a little. My Vraylar does a little too good of a job at keeping my highs in check. 

A little hypomania would be so nice right now. I'd have energy. I could get stuff done. I could feel really good. But no. No, my stupid brain always has to swing the other way. It's frustrating. I'm frustrated and irritable and down. Lame.

Also, I'm so burned out with work. The past 2 months have been stupid busy. Like, STUPID busy. Everyday we're asking for help. Every. Single. Day. We're always short staffed. Morale is down. Everyone is tired of being overworked and short staffed. It sucks. This week was supposed to be better. There wasn't much actually scheduled c-section and induction wise. A nice breather. Well, ha ha, no. I got a text again this morning looking for help today. So what the fuck. Part of me feels obligated to go in and help. But I'm not going to. I work the next two days. And if we're looking for help again today, then most likely we'll need it for the next 2 days as well. Meaning I'll get to work short staffed yet again. Tomorrow I'm primary nursery (meaning I'm attending deliveries). There was only one c-section and 2 inductions scheduled when I looked on Sunday. I wonder if that's changed. Friday I'm charge again. Pretty much every single shift I'm charge is a shit show. Tons of deliveries, not enough discharges to absorb deliveries, not enough staff, drama on the floor . . . a regular old dumpster fire. This past Sunday was the exception - it was actually a pleasant day. I didn't want to rip my hair out at the end of the shift. But that's not how it usually goes. 

So Yeah. Work has been sucky, my mood is sinking, and I don't know what to do about it. At least, I guess, I'm losing weight. Slowly but steadily I'm losing weight. Down 25 pounds now. Go me. 

I was going to upload a recent painting that I did, since it's been awhile since I posted one, but my computer is being a bag of dicks and won't let me. Well, I guess it's not my computer, it's blogger blocking it for some reason. I don't know. So no painting today. Sorry.

Monday 7/8/24 Rough

 Feeling rough again. Down. Melancholy. Irritable. All of those things. And, really, I have been for several days in a row now. This is very frustrating for me. I've had such a long streak of doing well and now, well, I'm not. I'm not depressed. I wouldn't say that, not yet. But I appear to be heading in that direction. This is so. Fucking. Annoying. I don't want to have another ketamine infusion. Those are expensive. And I'm already expensive because I'm on the semaglutide. I want to be back to how I was - content. Unbothered. Happier. Not how I am now.

It started out feeling down at times at work. If I wasn't doing something I'd get this mild existential dread. And it would pass, or I would get busy and forget about it. But it started happening more frequently. And now I'm feeling it at home. Yesterday I just wanted to be asleep. I was questioning what the point of being awake was. If I'm going to feel like crap I'd rather sleep through it. But alas, I cannot. No, I have to be a functional adult and do things. Which is dumb. Like work. I work tomorrow. And my friend/coworker is having her baby tomorrow and I'm going to have to be happy and whatnot and I'm just not feeling it. Maybe tomorrow will be different. And if not, hopefully I can put on a good show. 

I keep thinking, maybe if I could have a good cry I'd feel better. But I can't seem to get to that point - I can't cry. I can feel like I'm going to, even tear up a little, but I can't seem to do it. So I just feel down and angry. The irritability is a bitch, too. I feel so cranky over everything. I'm not snapping at Jeremy or Ayden or anything. I feel it most when I'm driving or I'm at work. I hate it. 

Anyway, not much of anything else is going on. I want to draw and paint but I have no motivation. I need to make my mom's birthday card (her birthday was yesterday - we're going out to dinner on Wednesday), but I'm lacking ideas. I'll come up with something, I'm sure, but probably not today. *sigh*

Tuesday 4/23/24 Work Shit

 So. Remember last time I posted I talked about being charge nurse two days in a row? And how I was nervous and was hoping for good days? Well, they were decent days. Not crazy busy, had enough staff, nothing too weird going on. Which was good. I even had a nurse tell me I was a good charge nurse, which made me feel good. I'm charge again this Friday, so we'll see how it goes. We're going to be staffed pretty fluffy as my hospital is under investigation by the state right now. See, there were several deaths on our medical/surgical floor in a short period of time (we call these "sentinel events"). And people weren't happy about that. So we were under investigation and it was found we were lacking the proper equipment to monitor patients (which nurses had been pointing out and complaining about for years). Not to mention that we're perpetually short staffed. So, to appease the state, the hospital purchased the appropriate equipment and increased our workload without increasing staff. Excuse me, what?? Nurses have been over worked and understaffed for YEARS and you want to increase our workload with more stupid menial tasks that don't improve patient safety? Without extra staff? Sounds like a great plan. Good job.

Spoiler alert: It wasn't a good plan.

State came back to see how the hospital was doing in preventing these sentinel events and discovered that we were understaffed (gasp!). So now we're in jeopardy of being shut down unless the hospital remedies this problem. So now we're staffed super fluffy. I was off for 4 days and I came back to this: more staff than we need, not sending people home when we can, calling in our on call person even though we don't need them because now the hospital wants to staff appropriately. And here's the dumb thing: I work in a highly specialized area - the birth center. Nurses who work med/surg, ICU, oncology, dialysis, etc want NOTHING to do with the birth center. NO ONE wants ANYTHING to do with the birth center (or NICU). But, if the hospital doesn't think we have enough staff, they're sending us nurses from these other units to "help". It's not helpful. They can get vital signs on the moms, and, well, that's about it. They don't know how to take care of babies. They don't know how to labor and deliver a patient. They don't know. The other night we had an ICU nurse sitting at our front desk and opening the door for visitors (we're a locked unit). Seriously??? This is a good use of resources??

Managers are now expected to take 36 hours of call every 2 weeks (in addition to working their 40 hour work week), to help on the floor if it's needed. Our labor and delivery manager was sent to the ED on Sunday to "help" (about all she could do was fetch water for patients). This is just stupid and is NOT the answer. If you let us hire and train staff to work our unit, and then let us schedule them to actually work on the unit instead of limiting us severely like you have been doing, that would be helpful. 

I understand that running a hospital is a business. There's a bottom line. But these issues could have been prevented years ago with appropriate staffing. Nurses all over the country complain about unsafe staffing ratios. We've been complaining for years and years. But it takes people dying before anything is done about it. Which is truly sad. The people running the hospitals don't work on the floor. They don't know how it is. They don't get it. They're more concerned about lining their pockets than the welfare of the patients. This is not how it should be. The hospital touts that patient safety is a priority but they don't actually make it a priority until they're under investigation and under threat of being shut down.

Wow. I'll get off my soap box now. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.   

Thursday 4/11/24 Biopsy

 Been a minute since I last posted. And nothing much is going on. I'm pretty damn boring. 

I had my biopsy done this past Tuesday and, well, it was pretty violent. No, seriously, it was. I was numbed up really well so I didn't feel anything but pressure. I had my head turned to the left as the biopsy was on the right side. Which means I could see the ultrasound. And I could see the needle being jammed in and out of my lymph node over and over again, just . . . repeatedly. Then the doc would take the needle out, pass it to a lab tech, and go back at it with a new needle. He did this for 4 needles. It looked so barbaric!! Thank GOD I was so numb!! My neck is so sore now. Luckily, I didn't bruise. My preliminary report came back with "normal morphology not consistent with lymphoma". So I'm guessing that's a good thing. I just have an enlarged lymph node for no good reason. I'm special like that. 

On the weight loss front, last night was my fourth injection, three weeks of tracking my weight loss, and I've lost 7 pounds. Just over 2 pounds a week. Not too shabby. I'm hoping this rate keeps up. I've had to find a happy medium between eating and feeling queasy. And also not feeling light headed. I don't really have an appetite and if I eat too much, or too frequently, I get queasy. But if I don't eat enough I feel weak and light headed. I haven't had much energy for exercise and, truth be told, I've felt pretty exhausted. The exhaustion may be a coincidence as I haven't been sleeping great for a few nights here and there, or maybe it's the decreased caloric intake. I'm not sure. Or a combo of the both, which seems pretty likely. 

I'm on my own as a charge nurse and I have no confidence in my abilities. Zero. I feel like an imposter. I'm sure as I do it more my confidence will build, but as of right now, I'm a fraud. I'm charge 2 days next week, like, literally throw me to the wolves. Hopefully I'll be fine. Hopefully they won't be shit days. I'm hoping I have time to build my confidence before I have a shit day. But you never can tell in nursing. 

Anyway, that's all really. Told you I was boring. 

Monday 3/25/24 Cold Again

 It's cold again here in Colorado. We had a big snow about a week, week and a half ago, then it got warm and it all melted. Well, now it's cold again. That's spring in Colorado though. I'm so ready for warmth and sunshine. I neeeeeeeed it!

Sooooo, what's been going on. Not a whole lot. I've had 2 days of charge nurse training (I have one more to go) and then I'm on my own. Work has been busy, annoyingly so. But that's job security I guess. I've worked every Sunday this month and I work Easter as well. Which is lame. Oh well. 

I had my physical a couple of weeks ago and two things happened: 1. my doc found a lump in my throat which she thought was a thyroid nodule. Had an ultrasound done and no, it's an enlarged lymph node. Which is apparently way too big, so I get to have it biposied. Fun times. And, 2. I started a weight loss medication. It's a once a week injectable (not Ozempic). I did my first injection last Wednesday. Thursday and Friday I was pretty nauseous, which is a common side effect of the medication. Which, of course, makes one not want to eat. After the nausea passed, however, I still don't want to eat. No appetite. And if I eat too much I get nauseous. And that, my friends, is how the medication works. You eat a whole lot less and don't really feel hungry. I decided to try the medication because I'm failing on my own at losing weight. I'm eating pretty healthy, a lot of whole foods, and working out and I'm either staying the same or actually gaining a pound or two. It's been frustrating. I'd like to lose anywhere from 40-60 pounds. I'm going to be weighing myself on Tuesdays and Fridays. Hopefully this helps. 

On a side note, in therapy we're working on my self-esteem/self-image and developing a healthy body image. My therapist isn't so sure that going on a weight loss drug is good for my self image. Because, what if it doesn't work? I'll blame myself, my self esteem will drop, I'll feel worse about myself, beat myself up, etc. I get where's she's coming from, I do. But, realistically, I need to lose weight. For my health, for my peace of mind, for my future mobility, for lots of reasons. So I'm taking the medication. And we'll go from there. I don't see her again for five and a half weeks or so and I'm hoping to have lost at least 10 pounds by then. That's 2 pounds a week - not so far fetched in my opinion. That's healthy weight loss. I'm going to keep eating healthy and working out, doing my part in the weight loss journey. Because I'm going to need to do that to keep off the weight after I stop the medication (I have 5 months of refills). 

So yeah. Hopefully I'll get used to the nausea (I've heard you do). I have ginger lozenges and tea to help me through it. And hopefully I'll lose weight. Fingers crossed. That's about all. Toodles! 

Friday 3/8/24 Charge Nurse

 Hi all! Two posts in one week, weird!

Just stopping by to say that I am officially the new relief charge nurse on my unit! Yep, I got the position (so the interview must have gone well!). I'll start my training in a week or two. 

Also, Ayden is 17 today! Happy birthday bud! He's at school (bummer) and heading to a friend's house after to spend the night with several friends. We're supplying pizza. 

That's it! Toodle loo!

Monday 3/4/24

 Been a minute again since I last wrote. I haven't been doing all that much. At least anything exciting. I've been reading and enjoying the mild weather here, working, and doing yoga. I have my interview for the charge nurse position this Wednesday. I'm a little nervous, but this afternoon I'm going to "practice" answering questions to prepare myself. I'm sure I'll do fine. Everyone else seems to think I will. 

The only other big news is that my son is turning 17 on Friday. Holy crap!! Seventeen! Where does the time go? He's spending the night at a friend's house on Friday, I don't know what else he wants to do. His girlfriend was supposed to be down this weekend to see him (she lives in Montrose - about 4 hours from us) but I guess she's coming the following week instead. So we'll have to come up with something to do for him. 

I've hit a dry spell art wise, haven't really drawn anything for the past couple of weeks except for a tattoo concept that I want to get on the side of my left forearm. It's a unalome with a lotus flower.

 I need to work a couple overtime shifts to earn some extra money so I can convince hubby to let me get another tattoo. We'll see when that happens. But yeah - that's the only thing I've drawn for quite a while. I was hoping inspiration would hit me today but so far I got nothing. Boooooo. Guess I'll scroll Pinterest looking for ideas. 

Anyway, that's it for now. Wish me luck on my interview!

Thursday 2/22/24

It's been a bit since I last wrote. At least it feels that way. 

Anyway, I'm happy to say that I've been working out consistently for the past 2-3 weeks. Go me! It feels so good! And I'm back to doing yoga which I really, truly LOVE. I'm not the best at it, not terribly graceful, but that's okay. I'll get there in time with practice. It just feels so good to move my body. I do yoga with Adriene (she's on youtube) and am also using the Asana Rebel app. The Asana Rebel app kicks my ass, in the best way possible. I know it's making me stronger. 

I'm also really itching to get a new tattoo. I have ideas for 2 tats I want, that can probably be done in the same session (they are smol). I just need to convince hubby that I need them. Wish me luck there :D

I "applied" to be a charge nurse at work again. I did it many years ago and then stepped down because of my mental health. I've been doing so much better for a while now so I think it's time to do it again. We'll see. I have to actually interview for it and I haven't done an interview since I started working at the birth center 16 years ago. So that's nerve wracking. Everyone is telling me I'll do fine. I'm not so sure. I should find out next week when the interview is. Wish me luck on that as well. 

Friday 2/9/24 Nothing special

 So I felt like writing, but I don't have much to say. I actually feel a little down today. There are reasons for this. I'm on call this afternoon and most likely I'll be going in to work. Bummer. I managed to hurt my back somehow (I have no idea how) and didn't work out today because of that (I can barely bend over). I've taken ibuprofen, had a hot shower, stretched, and am going to sit in our massage chair . . . but nothing is helping thus far. And it's snowing. Again. I'm tired of the snow. I want sunshine and warmth. We've had some nice days here and there and I've taken advantage of them by going on walks and sitting on the deck. The snow just kind of brings my mood down. It's pretty, but I want the sun. 

Wow, I guess I really don't have anything else to say. Life is boring right now. I go to work and relax on my days off. I'm tired of work and would love some time off, but I'm trying to save up my PTO. We're hoping to go to Japan again in 1-2 years, and, well, I'm going to need PTO to do that. 

Anyway, I guess that's it. Okay bye!

Tuesday 1/30/24 This is Nice

 Been a minute since I last wrote. I've been enjoying my time with no school work. It's so nice. I have time to draw and paint and read, to work out and nap, to relax. It's just so freaking nice. Guess I didn't realize how much I need those things in my life until I couldn't do them anymore. 

Last post I mentioned that I had homework for therapy. So I did 3 self portraits. I'm pleased with how they turned out. I need to scan them into the computer and maybe I'll share them here. We'll see. But I got them done, I've painted dragons (2024 is the year of the dragon), and today I'm painting koi fish. I'm also going to spend the afternoon sitting on the deck and reading (it's supposed to be 60 degrees here today). I've read 2 books over the past week and a half, Wabi Sabi and Ikigai (both books on living imperfectly and finding meaning in your life based on Japanese principles). The book I'm currently reading is on Buddhism and I ordered another book on Buddhism to read after this one. They all have been good reads, interesting and calming. I'm thoroughly enjoying myself.

Also I've been working out consistently these past 2 weeks. Three days a week. A good start. I'm proud of myself for that. And it feels good to be doing it as well, an added bonus. And I started a program called Golo. It's a lifestyle changing, weight loss program. I'll be eating more whole foods and less junk/processed foods. Which - lets be honest - we all should be doing this anyway. They have a supplement to take as well that is supposed to help with cravings and help balance blood sugar and insulin levels. I'm optimistic. Mainly because I'll be eating healthier, which will be good for my anyway. Hopefully eating cleaner and working out will help me drop some weight and be overall healthier (I know it will). I have to work on binge eating junk at work - especially on busy/stressful days. I tend to go overboard there. If there's junk out, I'll eat it. I've been doing hypnosis to help with this and I've been doing better. Go me. 

Work has been work. Yesterday was slow as hell and was the longest day ever. Tomorrow will be a shit show because the doctors decided it was a good idea to schedule EVERYTHING for the week on one day. Fucking stupid. But I'll get through. I'd love to have a week off with no work. Not necessarily to do anything, but just to not have to go to work. That would be nice. 

That's what's been up. Nothing exciting. Moods have been steady, no ups or downs, just an even keel. Which is also nice. 

Toodle loo!

Tuesday 12/12/23 It Continues

It continues . . . schoolwork that is. I got 100% on my COPD pamphlet, so that's cool. I honestly figured that I wasn't going to get a good grade on it as I didn't feel it was that creative and creativity was a big portion of the grade. So I was surprised to see that yesterday. Go me. Taking my midterm on Friday so I can maybe have a little time to study (I've been doing this week's discussions today, along with a mandatory work class I had to do), but I work the next 2 days, so . . . when exactly am I going to study? I have no idea. 

In other news, I had therapy yesterday. It was a good session. At least my therapist said it was :) No, it was. My mood has been slipping though. I've been feeling more down this past week, more stressed, more close to tears, and more overwhelmed. I'm also questioning if school is what I really want to be doing. You know - do I really want to be a nurse practitioner and be the one responsible for diagnosing and treating patients? Is that what I truly want or is it only what I think I want? I have no idea, honestly. But I have these doubts in my head and it's making me anxious. Everyone seems to think that I would make a good psychiatric nurse practitioner except for me. But is this because it's not what I really want to do, or is it imposter syndrome? Am I just doubting my abilities so much that I don't want to do this? I have no idea and it's frustrating. I don't know what to do. Hopefully with time I'll figure it out. I had sure better figure it out. 

On that note, I registered for my next class. Advanced physical assessment. Don't know what to expect with that one, just like I didn't know what to expect with this one. And that, of course, makes me anxious. I'm showing that I can do it so far. Lowest grade a 95%? I'm killing it so far (we'll see how my midterm goes on Friday). It's just, I feel like ALL of my free time is school. Because it is. I really don't have time for anything else. I'd love to do some drawing or painting but I simply don't have time. I feel guilty taking the 10 minutes it's taken me to write this. I just don't know if this is the right direction for me. I already feel burnt out. I get no breaks. No breaks for holidays, no breaks between classes. No breaks at all. It's just go, go, go. All the time. There's always school work to be done. 

Time will tell I guess. I just hope it tells me soon.

Tuesday 12/5/23 School and More School

 Well guys, I'm part way through week 3 of my first class. And it is intense. I've done SO MUCH reading from my giant-ass textbook (that literally weighs 10 pounds), have posted 4 discussions and 8 replies, written a paper, and made an educational pamphlet on COPD. So. Much. Work. Next week I have 2 discussions and 4 replies to post and a test. My midterm. Yep. Midterm on week 4 because the class is only 8 weeks long. It's crazy, but I'm doing it. The lowest grade I've gotten so far is a 95% on my paper (I got docked on APA formatting). Haven't turned in my pamphlet yet, so not sure how that's going to be graded. We'll see. All my discussions I've gotten 100%. Go me.

I'm worried about my midterm though. It's soooooo much freaking information and I have trouble recalling information. My memory loss is at play for real. Stupid bipolar and stupid ECT have wrecked my memory. But, we'll see. Who knows - maybe I'll surprise myself. It's 50 questions and we have 150 minutes to take it (3 minutes per question). It's open book, but since it's timed I don't really have the luxury of spending too much time looking up info. So it's more like a closed book test, honestly. 

I haven't had much time for anything other than work and school. School and work. No time for artwork. I feel like I have no time to workout. I can't really read my giant textbook while on the spin bike or doing yoga, ya know? I also haven't been sleeping well the past week or so. Hard time falling asleep, hard time staying asleep, waking up early but being too groggy to really function. It's been great. And I don't have time to nap. I have too much reading to do (reading for next week is over 300 pages). Mood wise I've been mostly okay. Have been feeling a little more down lately, close to tears often, but mostly okay. Kind of. I'm sure the lack of sleep isn't helping. 

That's about it. I'm pretty boring right now. School and work, and work and school. Ugh.

Tuesday 11/7/23 Cold Feet

 Been like a week and a half since I last wrote. As the title suggests, I'm getting cold feet. About what, you ask?

School.

Starting school.

I start in less than 2 weeks and I'm getting cold feet. I bought a new laptop this past weekend and I have yet to open the box. I keep thinking, well, if I drop out now I can return the laptop, return my text book, not pay any fees . . . I'm just scared. I'm worried about how I'm going to do with my memory issues. Worried about how hard it's going to be, how much am I going to struggle, how little free time I'm going to have. All of my free time will be devoted to school and I'm not really digging that. I'm going to have to work harder than other people because of my memory issues. I'm just really scared. I keep telling  myself I'll never know if I don't try. I've only truly failed if I don't try. It's a lot though. And the university website shows I'm enrolled but I can't "see" my class. Like, in the online orientation I did, you could "see" your class - the requirements, what book(s) you need, etc. - but I can't see it. The "My Courses" icon isn't a clickable link. So I'm kind of lost. I guess I'm going to have to email my advisor and be like, am I missing something? Or am I just dumb? I don't know. 

I'm telling myself I just have to take one class. Just one class. If I don't like it, if I don't do well, I can quit. Just one class. Because I really won't know if I don't try. And who knows - maybe I'll actually do well. Maybe I'll enjoy it. We'll see. In less than 2 weeks we'll see.

In other news, I saw the cardiologist about my heart palpitations. My EKG there was normal (no surprise there). I'm having an echo done this upcoming Thursday and I get to wear a holter monitor for 3 days (it has been mailed out to me, should get it this week sometime). Some days the palpitations aren't too bad, other days they are awful. Sometimes I have 10-15 noticeable palpitations an hour. Sometimes I only have a couple. But they're still there and they're still annoying. And now I've been getting brain zaps as well. Which I think are totally unrelated to the palpitations (I've tried looking for a correlation online and have found nothing). Typically brain zaps occur when tapering off of an antidepressant - something I am not doing. So I have no idea why I'm getting them. But they, too, are annoying. What the heck is wrong with me??

Anyway, there's nothing much else going on at the moment. I'm not hating work as much as I was, which is good I guess. That's about it. 

Thursday 10/26/23 Ummm, yes

 So I tried registering for my first class today and it's not going smoothly. AKA: I can't register. In my orientation I was told to go to one site to register - the site is "not available". In an email I was told to go to another site - it works, but when I try to register, the class I'm supposed to be taking is not available. Very frustrating. I emailed my academic advisor so we'll see. 

In other news I'm having crazy heart palpitations. It's been going on for 2 months, but it's getting progressively worse. To the point where I'm having trouble talking at times. I've felt my pulse several times during a "palpitation" and it's my heart actually stopping, and then starting again. Like it skips a beat or two and then keeps on going. It's a little worrisome. I'm not digging it. It kind of takes my breath away/makes me cough, and if I'm mid word speaking it screws it up. I see a cardiologist on the 3rd (a week from tomorrow). When I saw my primary care doc they did an EKG (normal) and lab work (normal). Which, it always is. They're not going to catch something on an EKG unless it happens during the 5 seconds the EKG is running. Which is frustrating. Because there's obviously something going on. What I'm feeling is not normal. It tends to be mild in the morning and gets worse as the day goes on. And yeah, I'm a little worried about it. Oy vey. 

There's not much anything else going on at the moment. Work is work, though it hasn't been as horrible as it had been before. Which is good. 

Oh. So something that is decidedly not good is that my best friend is moving away today. Like, far away. To Indiana. Basically starting over from scratch. New state, new house, new job, new everything. And I'm not liking it. I'm trying hard not to think about it too much because I'll cry. We had a going away party for her last night with lots of work peeps and it was good. But I cried on the way home because it made it so much more real. Today she closes on the sale of her home here and the purchase of her home there, and then is leaving. This truly breaks my heart. We'll still be in touch, obviously, texting, face timing, sending memes . . . but it won't be the same. Now I has a profound sad.