Tuesday 1/14/25 Oh my . . .

 Been almost a month again since my last post. My posts are so sporadic now which, I guess, is a good thing. It means I'm doing well. When I'm depressed my posts are weekly or more frequently than that. So we're going to call sporadic posts a good thing. 

The past month has been pretty, uh, routine. There's not much of anything going on. I finally did some artwork (a doodle in my sketchbook and a painting) and have a few sketches I need to paint. Though I don't feel like painting today. I actually don't feel like doing much of anything today. I had physical therapy this morning and now I'm just meh. Unmotivated. My therapist did some dry needling in my right SI joint and now I'm all achy and sore (dry needling is where they take acupuncture needles and insert them deep into the muscle and then sometimes apply a light current through them). I was going to do yoga when I got home but I'm just not feeling it today. I worked out yesterday, will workout on Thursday and Saturday, so I guess it's okay to take today off. 

I don't think I've mentioned why I'm in physical therapy. My right lower back (truly my right SI joint) has been hurting for months. I saw my doc, we did x-rays, and she recommended PT. It took over a month for me to get in to PT, which is kind of dumb. While waiting for PT, the pain was constantly achy with sharp stabs. It hurt mostly when I was sitting, so I couldn't sit for long periods. Standing, walking, laying down . . . mostly okay. Now it's mainly achy, though I do get sharp stabs with certain movements. It's a lot better than what it was though. There was no injury, no reason I could see as to why I'm hurting. My therapist thinks it's repetitive motions from work and that my muscles finally said screw you. At least I'm able to sit comfortably now without it hurting too much. I'm trying to strengthen my core and I'm doing my exercises at home, but so far I haven't noticed much of a difference. And PT is expensive (my copay is $77 each visit), so I was hoping to not have to have many sessions. So far I've had 4 and have another one this Thursday. Oy. 

Everything else is status quo. I need to figure out what I'm going to do with my day, besides laundry. Never ending laundry. 

Monday 3/4/24

 Been a minute again since I last wrote. I haven't been doing all that much. At least anything exciting. I've been reading and enjoying the mild weather here, working, and doing yoga. I have my interview for the charge nurse position this Wednesday. I'm a little nervous, but this afternoon I'm going to "practice" answering questions to prepare myself. I'm sure I'll do fine. Everyone else seems to think I will. 

The only other big news is that my son is turning 17 on Friday. Holy crap!! Seventeen! Where does the time go? He's spending the night at a friend's house on Friday, I don't know what else he wants to do. His girlfriend was supposed to be down this weekend to see him (she lives in Montrose - about 4 hours from us) but I guess she's coming the following week instead. So we'll have to come up with something to do for him. 

I've hit a dry spell art wise, haven't really drawn anything for the past couple of weeks except for a tattoo concept that I want to get on the side of my left forearm. It's a unalome with a lotus flower.

 I need to work a couple overtime shifts to earn some extra money so I can convince hubby to let me get another tattoo. We'll see when that happens. But yeah - that's the only thing I've drawn for quite a while. I was hoping inspiration would hit me today but so far I got nothing. Boooooo. Guess I'll scroll Pinterest looking for ideas. 

Anyway, that's it for now. Wish me luck on my interview!

Tuesday 1/30/24 This is Nice

 Been a minute since I last wrote. I've been enjoying my time with no school work. It's so nice. I have time to draw and paint and read, to work out and nap, to relax. It's just so freaking nice. Guess I didn't realize how much I need those things in my life until I couldn't do them anymore. 

Last post I mentioned that I had homework for therapy. So I did 3 self portraits. I'm pleased with how they turned out. I need to scan them into the computer and maybe I'll share them here. We'll see. But I got them done, I've painted dragons (2024 is the year of the dragon), and today I'm painting koi fish. I'm also going to spend the afternoon sitting on the deck and reading (it's supposed to be 60 degrees here today). I've read 2 books over the past week and a half, Wabi Sabi and Ikigai (both books on living imperfectly and finding meaning in your life based on Japanese principles). The book I'm currently reading is on Buddhism and I ordered another book on Buddhism to read after this one. They all have been good reads, interesting and calming. I'm thoroughly enjoying myself.

Also I've been working out consistently these past 2 weeks. Three days a week. A good start. I'm proud of myself for that. And it feels good to be doing it as well, an added bonus. And I started a program called Golo. It's a lifestyle changing, weight loss program. I'll be eating more whole foods and less junk/processed foods. Which - lets be honest - we all should be doing this anyway. They have a supplement to take as well that is supposed to help with cravings and help balance blood sugar and insulin levels. I'm optimistic. Mainly because I'll be eating healthier, which will be good for my anyway. Hopefully eating cleaner and working out will help me drop some weight and be overall healthier (I know it will). I have to work on binge eating junk at work - especially on busy/stressful days. I tend to go overboard there. If there's junk out, I'll eat it. I've been doing hypnosis to help with this and I've been doing better. Go me. 

Work has been work. Yesterday was slow as hell and was the longest day ever. Tomorrow will be a shit show because the doctors decided it was a good idea to schedule EVERYTHING for the week on one day. Fucking stupid. But I'll get through. I'd love to have a week off with no work. Not necessarily to do anything, but just to not have to go to work. That would be nice. 

That's what's been up. Nothing exciting. Moods have been steady, no ups or downs, just an even keel. Which is also nice. 

Toodle loo!

Tuesday 1/16/24 No More School!

 School is done!! I ended up with a 95% in the class because I kind of bombed the final (got a 72% on that - every question had 2 right answers and I had to pick which one was most right, ugh). But hey - a 95% is damn good for struggling as much as I did, doubting myself as much as I did, and it being my first class in over 17 years. Go me! It's so nice to be done. Like, really nice. 

Anyway, I had therapy today and we're going to start working on my self esteem. Cause I kinda don't like myself all that much. I mean, I do, at times, but I'm really insecure, especially with how I look. Let's be honest - I could stand to lose some weight. Not just for looks - for health. On that thread, I'm starting working out again. And it's made me realize just how out of shape I am. I mean, wow. So I've got that to work on. And Becky gave me homework for our next session - to paint how I feel about myself. I have some ideas floating around . . . we'll see what I come up with. 

So yeah, that's about it. Another short post. That's okay. Maybe next week I'll have more to say. 

Thursday 1/4/24 New Year

 Welp. It's 2024. Pretty crazy. I worked new year's eve day, which was fine. Even got off a little early (5:45pm), which was nice. I was in bed by 9:30 I think and then woken up by neighborhood fireworks at midnight. So, technically I rang in the new year awake ;) 

Monday and Tuesday was homework all day. Tuesday night we (hubby, son, and myself) met up with my stepmom, her hubby, and my stepsister and her family for dinner. Then on to Cripple Creek for the Ice Castles, which was crazy cold and pretty nifty (it was around 20 degrees F). It was nice to see everyone and hang out, even though it was freezing cold. Yesterday was work and today has been reading the last few chapters in my textbook. Which I am now done with. Yes, done. Over 1500 pages in my gigantic, 10lb textbook read over the past 7 weeks. Holy crap. That's a lot of reading. Next week is my last week of class. I have 2 discussion questions (and 4 replies) and my final exam to do and I'm officially done. 

I thought I'd feel more like a failure for taking one class and giving up. I thought I'd be beating myself up more. But maybe there's too much relief in being done. I've really, truly been struggling mentally and emotionally with school (not that you'd be able to tell from the outside - I'm good at hiding it). And who knows, maybe I'm finally mature enough emotionally to not need to beat myself up. Thanks, therapy. I still feel guilty. Because of the money we've spent. New desk, laptop, printer/scanner, accessories, textbook, the cost of the class . . . that's a lot of money that I feel like I'm throwing away. That I didn't deserve to have spent on me. Okay, maybe I'm beating myself up a little bit. I can't help it - it's in my nature. 

In other news, I've been working out. Not every day, not yet. But 3 days this past week, and I'm proud of myself for that (keep in mind I haven't worked out for the past 4 months). So 3 days consistently is big for me. I'm trying to get back into the groove of working out. Getting strong, increasing endurance. I need to, desperately. My goal is to do yoga on the mornings I work and lift weights/cardio on my days off. I need to build up to that though because I'm so freaking out of shape. I'll get there.

My eating is slowly getting better as well. Not as much binging on junk, which is huge. I've been doing hypnosis sessions (recorded, online) and I think it's helping. Finally. Because the binging was getting out of control. But now, not so much. 

Anyway, there's not much else going on. I'm quitting school, trying to get in shape, and getting back to making artwork (maybe there's some paper mache in the future). We'll see.

Tuesday 8/15/23 Results

 Well hello there. I saw the functional medicine practitioner yesterday and got the results of my bloodwork: my thyroid is fine. Which is, I guess, good news, right? But then why am I having symptoms? Well, I have other stuff wrong with me. Mainly gut issues. Absorption issues. My body is not utilizing what I'm giving it. Not even water - my labs showed me to be pretty dehydrated (even though I drink tons of water, my body just isn't using it at a cellular level - I just pee it all out). I'm really low in key nutrients: magnesium, zinc, calcium, protein. All of which can give me hypothyroid like symptoms and depression. My iron is double what it should be - meaning my body isn't utilizing it as it should and this is what's likely causing my heart palpitations (excess iron is often deposited around the heart). My kidney functioning is down, my fasting blood sugar was elevated (they said probably due to reactive hypoglycemia), and my cholesterol wasn't stellar. It was lots of information. After this information dump they went over the gist of the plan they laid out for me. Detox, remove major food groups then slowly reintroduce them to see what's causing me gut inflammation, exercise, supplements, more blood work, meeting with them every other week for 6 months . . . all for the low, low price of $7600. Oh. My. God. I knew their program was going to be expensive, but $7600??? I was thinking around 2-3 grand. So that really just made it unavailable to me. So yeah. No working with them right now. So I did some research and found a new multivitamin without iron (which they suggested), a good magnesium supplement, and digestive enzymes to help my body use nutrients. I don't know how I'm going to get over being dehydrated - I drink around 70-80oz of water a day. I don't think I can drink more than that - especially with how much it makes me pee (I mean, I got up 4 times last night to pee!). I'm going to try and eat more whole foods and cut out refined sugar where I can. I'm taking a good probiotic. I'm trying to exercise consistently. 

Speaking of exercising, I've been doing yoga. Every day for 7 days straight so far. And I'm loving it. I look forward to it. I'm even getting up early before work to do it (3 days so far). I ordered a Pilates bar with bands so I can start doing some Pilates (something else I'm looking forward to and excited about). Yesterday I did chest and arms; today I did shoulders and back (lifting). Thursday I'll do legs. Like, I'm trying. I haven't felt excited about working out for a loooooong time. Years. But with yoga and Pilates I'm getting excited about it. About getting stronger and transforming my body. I really want to do this and that's something I haven't felt for years. And maybe getting this bloodwork back is the kick in the pants I need to really start taking care of myself. Now if only I could change my mindset . . .

Mindset. That's something else I need to work on. I'm okay when I'm not at work. Maybe a little blah here and there, but mostly okay. But at work, man. I'm just not happy. I'm not enjoying myself. I'm struggling. I find it hard to engage with people, to connect with patients. I don't want to do anything. I haven't been going out of my way to help people - instead I retreat and hide away. Which is not how I want to be. But I don't know how to change it. I'm burnt out. I'm tired. And I don't know if it's just depression making me feel this way or if I really need to change jobs. I'm just so worried that if I change jobs I'll be unhappy there, too. At least where I'm at I know my job and the people I work with. Starting over is so scary. Everything just feels so . . . stagnant. And I've been feeling this for awhile. For the better part of a year. It's getting more and more pronounced as time moves on. To the point where I dread going to work. And, what makes it hard too is that I don't have many friends. I have people I'm friendly with, but not many actual friends. My best friend Lesley is out on FMLA and most likely not coming back. In fact, she's probably moving to Ohio. My other good friend, Beth, only works weekends so I rarely see her. And my friend Tracy, I hardly ever see her. Like, I don't think I've seen her once in the past month. Everyone else are coworkers who I can mostly be friendly with, but don't really open up to. And that makes for a long day when you aren't really talking and don't want to be there in the first place. Ugh. I wish I knew what to do. 

So anyway, I guess I'll leave you with some artwork:

This is "Mushroom", part of my Growth series. I like how he turned out. It's 5X7, ballpoint pen.

Wednesday 8/9/23 At least I'm not at work

 At least I'm not at work. That's a good thing. I worked the past 2 days and realized I'm not terribly happy at work. I try to be, I really do. I try to talk to people, I try to stay up beat, I try to be happy. But I'm not. Not really. There are so many things about my job that really irritate me. Really annoy me. I don't know if I feel this way because I don't like my job anymore or because I've been feeling down lately. Or both. Who knows? But I don't like going. I don't want to be there. I don't like feeling this way but I can't seem to help it. Part of me thinks I need to get a different job. And part of me thinks that if I get a different job I'll still be unhappy, just unhappy in a new environment. Which is less than helpful. 

I started doing yoga and I'm trying to be mindful and focus on breathing and being thankful for what I have. I'm trying to be positive about everything. But it's so hard. I seem to have a naturally negative mindset. I've been trying to change this but it's daunting. I have a negative self image, negative self talk, negative outlook, and feel negatively towards most people. I need a complete overhaul. I'm hoping that practicing my breathing and mindfulness with yoga will help this. I ordered a book on yoga - it teaches the foundations of yoga, breathing, and basic poses. I started a 30 day yoga training today that's focused on listening and centering oneself. I also ordered another yoga program called Yoga Burn (which is more for toning up and getting in shape, but is still yoga). I need to get in shape. I think if I could get in shape and lose weight I'd overall feel better about things. Because my negative self image is forefront every day. I'm trying to accept where I am and work on bettering myself, but then I look in the mirror and just hate what I see. So out comes the negative self talk. I'm trying to actively counter this but again, it's hard. Because I seem to be hardwired for negativity. I must have some pretty shitty core beliefs. Maybe we can delve into this next week in therapy. I don't know. 

I know my negativity affects me at work (yeah, we just circled back to work again). And maybe, just maybe, if I could be more positive I wouldn't hate my job so much. At least I'm hoping that's the case. 

I work tomorrow and I'm going to try and get up early and do yoga before getting ready. I felt more peaceful and calm this morning after doing yoga and it would be great to feel that before work. Maybe I'd have a better day. We'll see if it happens. Because I have a hard time getting up earlier than needed. 

In other news, the functional practitioner got my blood work back. I have an appointment on Monday with them. Was hoping for this week, but it just didn't work out that way. Jeremy is going with me, they requested that he be there. Probably because the treatment plans they offer are expensive and not covered by insurance. That's my guess anyways. So yeah. I'll get answers on Monday. And maybe I'll write about it Monday afternoon. 

Anyway, I guess that's it for today. I'll leave you with a painting I did last week:

"Lift", 5X7, watercolor and ink. It, in a way, represents me trying to pull myself out of a darker space. I guess. 

Monday 7/31/23 Oy Vey

 I slept like crap last night. I think I was awake more than I was asleep. And it shows. I'm super fucking cranky today and have no motivation for anything. I managed to work out and shower. Go me. I have my mammogram at 12:45 so of course I don't want to do anything until I have to leave. I have time to do stuff - I just don't want to. I have enough time to do a painting or draw or clean something . . . but instead I'm sitting here on the couch bitching. I hate feeling this way.

Last week I saw the functional medicine practitioner and had a metric fuck-ton of bloodwork drawn. Like, it was a LOT of blood drawn. When they get the results (which can take 5-10 days), he'll contact me to set up an appointment to go over it all. I'm really hoping my blood work corroborates what I'm feeling. That I get answers and solutions. For now it's a waiting game. Which, today, annoys me. 

What also annoys me, since today seems to be a bitch fest, is my bladder. Well, my whole body, really. My body doesn't seem to want to utilize the water I give it for cellular functioning. No. Instead I almost immediately pee out everything I put in. I've had a bottle and a half of water this morning and I've peed 7 times. Seven times in the last 2 hours, mind you. And I have to go again. WTF body?? You need that water!! You're telling me I'm horribly thirsty but when I drink anything, out it comes! Seriously. What the hell. And this happens all the time. Every day. To the point where I don't want to drink anything because I'm sick of how often I have to pee. Makes me worry that I'm developing diabetes or kidney disease. Because frequent urination is a symptom of both.

In other news, my mood has been sinking a little. The past 2 weeks I've been down more than not. And, yes, that annoys me. What I should do is have a ketamine infusion before I get worse. But I don't want to do that. Why? The cost. I just spent nearly $500 for my bloodwork, I don't want to spend another $300 on myself for the infusion. Which my therapist thinks is stupid. That I should schedule an infusion every 2 months or so to keep me in tip top shape. Which, yes, preventative measures make sense, but I feel selfish and like a failure if I do this. Plus the financial burden. Yes, we can afford it. But I don't want to have to have it. Maybe it's stubborn pride. I don't know. It's just that we've spent so much money on my mental health and I hate that. I feel guilty because of it. Which, in turn, makes me feel shittier. If this was for Jeremy or Ayden I'd spend the money in a heart beat. But when it comes to myself . . . I can't bring myself to do it. Like I don't deserve it. 

Anyway. I guess that's enough bitching. Here. Here's a little snow fox I painted:

I like how it turned out. And that's good, especially with how I feel today.

Monday 7/24/23 Well, it's a Monday

 It's Monday. How . . . wonderful. I've been super cranky today for no real reason. I woke up this way. Cranky with no motivation. I forced myself to workout, go me. I have 4 drawings that I'm working on that need to be painted . . . that didn't get done today. Nope. I worked out, went to the store, listened to a podcast, had lunch, took a nap. And now I'm here, writing a bunch of BS while drinking matcha. Oy. 

I have a "consultation" on Wednesday. Basically a doctor's visit. Because I have almost every hypothyroid symptom one can have but my actual doctor keeps brushing me off because my thyroid levels are in the "normal" range. So I'm seeing a functional medicine doc to go over my history and symptoms and get their opinion. I'm tired of being cold. I'm tired of losing so much hair. I'm tired of dry skin and not being to lose weight no matter how little or how much I eat. I'm tired of feeling like I need a nap to get through the day (or tons of caffeine). So yeah. I have a consult on Wednesday. We'll se how that goes. It's an hour long and I have a ton of paperwork to fill out. But maybe they'll have answers for me. 

In other news, my mood has been slightly better overall? Maybe? On my days off I'm okay. Friday at work I was surprisingly okay (which was good because I had a VERY difficult patient who required tons of attention and "love"). Yesterday I was less okay, but not bad. I work tomorrow and I'm not really looking forward to it. Makes me realize I'm truly burnt out. I don't really enjoy my job most days and that sucks. 

Wow. I don't really have more I want to write. Mainly because I'm in such a negative headspace right now. So instead I'll share some paintings from my Growth series. 

 First up is Red Fox. With an aspen tree -  2 of my favorite things.

Next we have Fawn.

And last, Mountain Bluebird. 

These are the first 3 paintings in the series. I have 2 more sketched out (that I should have painted today, but didn't). I'm not really sure where I'm going with this series but I have a tiny bit of inspiration so I'm running with it. 

Thursday 7/13/23 A Little Bit Off

 I'm a little bit off today. I woke up at 5:30am wide awake. But it was 5:30 and I didn't want to be up yet, so I went back to sleep. Kind of. Then I woke up at 6:30 and was terribly groggy. So groggy that I didn't get out of bed until 7:15. And I just can't today. I'm not feeling it. It's safe to say that I'm feeling down. More than just blah, which is how I have been feeling the past few days. I couldn't get myself to workout or do anything really. I had part of a protein shake, a little bit of coffee, and then I laid down again, stared at the ceiling. Forced myself to get up and shower.

There are several reasons for feeling this way, I think. Let's start with my weight. I've been trying to lose weight, for quite some time now. Been doing Noom for about 5 months. And I've been stuck. Not losing anything for the whole time. Until getting back from Japan. I started losing. I lost about 7 pounds. Go me! No, not so much. I've gained back 5 of those pounds. Without eating more. My weight just creeps up. I lose a pound, gain it back the next day. I can't seem to just steadily lose weight and it's fucking frustrating. I don't know what to do. I have body image issues - always have - and this is making it worse. Making me feel like a failure. A big, fat failure. I'm trying not to think like this, I know it doesn't help, but after gaining weight again for the 4th day in a row . . . well, it's hard not to. 

Next, let's talk about work. Ahhhhh, work. I don't want to go. At all. Like, desperately don't want to go. I don't exactly know why. I'm not enjoying my job anymore. I'm burnt out. And so much is changing there, not for the better. We have all new upper management and the only thing they're concerned with is making money. There have been cutbacks and layoffs - when we're already often short staffed. But what do they care? The CEOs and CNOs need to get their hefty paychecks and bonuses. Screw the floor staff. We have to do more with less and it's just getting stupid. And our manager quit. She was awesome. She fought for us. And now she's gone. The 3 people that applied for it . . . well, none of them are that good. I'm worried what this means for our unit. And I can't leave - I'm stuck until at least December because I signed a 2 year contract for a bonus. And even if I could leave, where would I go? Other units have it worse than us. And going to a new facility means I'd probably have to work night shift which I physically and mentally can't do. So I really AM stuck. I dread going in. What kind of a shit show is it going to be today? I'm having a hard time connecting with patients because I so desperately don't want to be there. Which makes me even more miserable. The whole situation just sucks.

Lastly, let's talk about faith. I've been struggling in my faith. When I was baptized (what was that, 3 years ago?) I was excited. I felt like I knew what this faith thing was all about. It was comforting to me. But as time has gone on, not so much. It's like I can't quite put a finger on what I actually believe. The Catholic faith seems so suffocating now, and I never even considered myself a true Catholic. I'm more a a cafeteria Catholic - take what I like and leave the rest. But now I'm struggling with even that. Going to mass is a chore - one I don't want to do. I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it. My prayer life is sporadic at best. I pray - I do - but it feels so forced and false. I don't know how to pray. My prayers are images in my mind more than anything else. Which doesn't feel right. I don't know how to describe it. I haven't told anyone about this. Because I feel bad. I feel like a fake and a failure because my faith is wavering. I know Jeremy would tell me to try harder, read the bible more, pray more . . . the problem is I don't want to. And that makes me feel terrible. I know faith is important to Jeremy. Mass is important to him. Prayer is important to him. I feel like I'm letting him down. And that's a shitty feeling. 

All of this came to a head today and I'm not dealing with it all that well. I've felt like crying all day. The tears don't come but they're right there. I managed to draw a little today. I designed my next tattoo (or what I would really like to be my next tattoo). A kitsune. 

This is the only thing that has made me feel somewhat okay today. Drawing this. I want it on my left thigh. I just have to convince Jeremy to let me get it. We'll see. I love foxes and kitsune commemorate our trip to Japan. 

So yeah. All this crap. I have therapy today at 4. We're supposed to be focusing on my body image issues but I have this other stuff too. I don't know. I guess we'll see how it goes. 

Thursday 7/6/23 No, still no Japan pics

 It's been almost a month since my last post and I still haven't loaded any pics from Japan on my computer. I will at some point - I promise. 

Nothing much is going on. I think I'm coming out of my art block. I ordered myself some watercolor sketchbooks and I've been putting them to good use. Just sketching silly or cute things. Nothing "serious". Just having fun and it's helped. I'm feeling the creative itch again. I have ideas for paintings I want to do, so that's good. I even have 2 paintings sketched out. Go me!

Otherwise, there isn't much going on. Work is work. I was sick last week. My mood has been stable. That's about it. Maybe I'll have something more interesting soon. Like when I upload Japan pics. Or some of my sketches. Right now I'm boring. Sorry. I'm also cranky today, so there's that. 

Okay bye. 

Wednesday 3/8/23 Happy Birthday

 Today Ayden turned 16. It's crazy to think that he's that old. He's been driving and will get his license in August. He has a girlfriend. Just . . . crazy. He's a good kid. I wish his grades were better, but he's a good kid. 

I don't have that much to write about today. This past week has been . . . okay. Not great, but okay. Friday and yesterday I worked and actually felt somewhat decent. More like my old self. My non-depressed self. So that's good. Today I'm a little more down and feel like napping the day away. I did some drawing, started laundry, but I don't know what else to do with myself. I don't feel like reading, or painting, or doing anything. It's annoying. It is what I'm used to though. The no motivation and whatnot with depression. I just wish I was more "okay" today too. Oh well.

I drew a couple of foxes today. I'm still trying to work out a tattoo design. This is my favorite:

It's the one I'm leaning towards, even though it's not in color. We'll see. Probably won't get a new tat until we're back from Japan. 

That's really all I have for today.

Tuesday 2/28/23 Almost March

 Tomorrow is March y'all. That's crazy. My son will be 16 on the 8th - which is also crazy. Time flies . . .

I feel like I need to write. I always feel like I need to write when I'm feeling crappy. Somehow, writing helps, even if only a tiny bit. I've just been consistently not doing good. I'm still down. Hell, let's call it what it is - depressed. I've been depressed. I'm having a hard time accomplishing anything other than basic tasks. I shower, I eat, I do laundry. I go to work and struggle to get by. I have no motivation or drive for anything. I'm having a hard time concentrating enough again to even read. I hate this. I don't know what to do. I'm seeing my new therapist every other week, taking my meds like a good girl, trying to exercise at least twice a week, trying to eat better, trying to stay positive (which is all fake and extremely difficult to do), and trying to socialize with people while at work and not be a complete downer. 

But I am a complete downer. I'm not any fun to be around right now. My mood is low. I'm sluggish. I'm not connecting with people. I'm struggling. I'm so burnt out at work. I dread going. And I don't know what to do about that. I've been in the birth center for almost 14 years and I've always loved my job. But now . . . I'm burnt out. I don't want to go. But I'm not sure I can leave (well, right now I can't leave as I had signed a 2 year contract for a bonus). And if I left, what would I do? Where would I go? I have a feeling that no matter what I do I'll be miserable because in general right now I'm miserable. So what would be the point? I might as well stay where I know my job and the people I work with. I don't know if I dread work because I'm depressed in general or if work is a major contributor to feeling depressed. Maybe it's both. Who knows. The only other area of nursing I'm interested in is psych and everyone agrees that that's probably a bad idea for me. And inpatient psych . . . yeah. Probably wouldn't be rewarding. It's treat the crisis and ship them out. And people in crisis can be nasty to others. How would dealing with that make me feel?

Ugh.

So I have no clue as to what to do. I can have another ketamine infusion in March if I want (boosters are once a month). I felt amazing after my last one but that feeling quickly faded. So I'm worried the same thing will happen again. Maybe I should go anyway. I don't know. I feel lost and sad and a little scared. And I'm so freaking tired of feeling this way. Why can't I have some toned down, euphoric hypomania? Just a little bit. Just for a little while. Is that too much to ask?

I did a painting titled "Emerge". It's kind of, trying to emerge from the darkness that is depression. Except instead of a person I drew a fox. I mean, why not?

Here it is. I like it, I guess. It came out how I envisioned it, so that's good. The problem, though, is that I'm not emerging from the darkness. I'm enveloped in it. I'm stuck. And I hate that.

Thursday 2/2/23 When the Feels Are Too Much

 

This is how I feel sometimes. Like I need to scream it out. My feelings get overwhelming and need to be released. 

Not today though. Today I'm apathetic. Today I just don't give two shits about anything. Today I don't care. I don't like feeling like this, like I don't care. I'd rather feel my feelings, I think. Even when they can be overwhelming, at least I'm feeling. 

This past week has been rough at times. Not all the time; but at times. I did a painting, "Growth Through Grief" (here, I'll share it with you)

And I thought to myself how much Mike would appreciate this painting. And I started crying, because he'll never see it and that crushed me. And that's the thing. That's how grief is. You can be doing fine and then BAM! It hits you out of nowhere and you're feeling it all over again. I've had moments this past week where I've been fine - a little down or meh, but otherwise fine. And I've had moments where I've not been fine. Where I've been close to tears or crying. And then I've had some moments like today where I feel nothing. Where I'm completely apathetic. I'm getting the whole gamut I guess.

I'm seeing my new therapist next Thursday. I had emailed her, asking for times a month out, and all I got was next Thursday at 10am. Maybe she just wants to see me, make sure I'm okay since losing Mike was hard and all. I don't know. I guess I'll find out. She seemed nice when I met her last week and I'm going to do my best to keep an open mind. Because, as Jeremy says, no one will ever be Mike. But maybe this will be good for me. A fresh set of eyes. Time will tell. 

I've come to realize that I'm utterly burnt out from work. Work has been . . . work. I've not been enjoying myself and every day I work I don't want to go. I almost dread it. I know a lot of people are burnt out. Last month was slower and this month will probably be slower, which means we work even harder because our grid sucks. We get more patients and have to do the CNA work on top of it (oh, and phlebotomy too, because God forbid the hospital keep phlebotomists on hand). And it's not better anywhere else, so leaving would be pointless (not to mention signing the 2 year contract for a bonus). I don't know how to make things better. I don't know how to make me better. I'm hoping that going to Japan - a nice long vacation - will help. But I don't know if it will. Maybe I'm ready for a change. I don't know. The only other area I'm interested in is psych. And everyone thinks that's a bad idea for me to pursue. I'll just keep plugging along I guess, hoping things will get better. 

Tuesday 1/17/23 The Dichotomy of Me

 The dichotomy of me. It's the title of a painting I did today. I haven't been painting, well, hardly at all as of late. But today I did two paintings, both personal. 

The Dichotomy of Me:

It's a reflection on bipolar disorder, I guess. I tend to hang on the side of depression more than anything (my mania is well controlled with antipsychotics). I've been feeling rather low for the past month or so. Getting progressively worse as the days go by. So I decided to bite the bullet and make an appointment for a booster ketamine infusion. I have it next Wednesday morning. I was hoping to go longer before needing an infusion, but I guess three months is respectable. I'm trying not to let myself feel like a failure for needing a booster, which is where my mind naturally goes. I naturally tend toward the negative. I'm actively working to change this. It's hard. I have to constantly be aware of my thoughts and counter them. It takes quite a bit of energy, but I'm trying. 

There really isn't anything much else going on. I'm trying to work out consistently, it's going okay. I'm trying not to nap all the time, which is what I want to do, because then I don't have to deal with how I'm feeling. I'm trying to come up with ideas for art - that's slow going. And I'm trying to remain positive. All of these are difficult things. But I'm plugging along, as best as I can. 

The other painting I did today is "There Will Be Signs":

There are signs to my declining mental health, and I'm too stubborn or too proud to admit that they're there. Until to day. Because I made the appointment for an infusion. I'm finally admitting to myself that I probably need a little help getting back to where I want to be. I'll get there. Eventually.

Wednesday 11/23/22 Tomorrow is Thanksgiving

 Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and that's pretty crazy. November has gone by so quickly. Soon it will be Christmas and not too long after that - Japan (well, 5 months after, still that's not too long). 

We're not doing much for Thanksgiving, going to my mother-in-law's house. Brother-in-law will be there too (of course he will be - they live together). We're bringing green beans and dessert - a pumpkin cheesecake (don't go thinking I'm all fancy baking and whatnot - we got it at Costco). A very low key evening. 

What am I not doing this Thanksgiving? Seeing my mom. For which I am grateful. I don't want to. I don't feel like being angry and annoyed and embarrassed all day. Who would? Sadly, we're apparently seeing her the week after (bummer). She wants to get together and go out for dinner with my brother and his wife. As of yet we haven't decided on a day. Maybe she'll forget about it and we won't have to see her (fingers crossed). I know. I know that's a horrible thing to think. I'm well aware of that and it fills me with guilt. But every time we get together she's drunk (doesn't matter what time of day it is) and I feel like the little girl I used to be - angry, ashamed, abandoned, embarrassed. I hate it. I hate it. Which is why I don't even want to talk to my mom, let alone see her. 

But I digress. 

I weighed myself this morning and I lost almost 2 pounds this week. I've worked out every day so far and I'm having tea at night instead of dessert. Go me! I started doing yoga on Monday. I downloaded an app that customized a beginner's yoga program for me. I'm enjoying it so far. Each session is around 15-20 minutes long. I'm going to try my best to get up early on the days I work and do it too. We'll see how that works out (because I like my sleep). 

I've seen the chiropractor twice in the past week for some lower back pain. The pain has been going on for about 5 weeks - right over my right kidney. At first I truly thought that maybe I had kidney stones, except I don't have burning or blood tinged urine. So I've been stretching, icing, chiropractor . . . it still hurts. Finally decided to call the doctor and the earliest I can get in is December 14th. Which, let's be honest, is dumb. They told me if I get any other symptoms to go to an urgent care. Hopefully I won't need to do that. 

Not this weekend, but next weekend is my first craft fair. I'm excited/nervous about it. Kind of dreading it almost. What if I don't sell anything? That'll be a hit to my ego. And it will be a loooooong weekend. I work Friday and Monday, craft fair Saturday and Sunday. No down time (the fair is from 9-4). I'll have to go get everything set up after work on Friday night. Ugh. Not looking forward to that. Oh well, it'll be an experience. 

That's about it, I guess. Everything that's going on. So much fun.

Tuesday 11/8/22 Some Art

 I'm sitting here on the couch, not quite sure what to do with myself. I don't know how I want to fill my time today. Yesterday I painted quite a bit, uploaded a TON of paintings to my Etsy shop . . . today I'm just not feeling it. I'm not necessarily down, but I'm not great either. I'm meh. Blah. Indifferent. I don't like feeling like this. I'm as of yet undecided on whether I'll keep my ketamine booster appointment. I mean, I'm not depressed, just meh or down. I'm not sure that really qualifies me as needing the booster. I don't know. I'll give it another week and we'll see. 

Anyway, I've been painting quite a bit. Figured I'd share a few of them here.

This first one I titled "Anemone". Mostly just playing with color and shapes.

This second one is just swirls of color, kind of like what I would see during an infusion.

Cherry blossoms. I love cherry blossoms. 

Some daisies. 

This one is "Nautilus". Swirls of shapes and blues that I would see during an infusion.

This last one is "Sink". Some infusions I felt like I was floating. Others like I was sinking in sand or something. Always so much blue though. Blue was the predominant color I would see. Some purples and oranges and greens here and there, but mostly blues. 

There's quite a few more, plus all the dragon paintings (well, 4 dragon paintings). I've been busy. But I don't know if I want to paint today. We'll see. I don't know what I want to do today.
 

Wednesday 11/2/22 It's November, Y'all

 Wow. It's November already. That seems crazy to me. Time seems to be flying by. And it's been, what, 10 days since I last posted? Something like that. 

So I've finished my 6 initial treatments of ketamine, my last treatment being a week ago Monday. My last 2 infusions were intense, as Dr. Jeff used the max dose for my weight. Felt like I was lost inside my brain and wasn't going to be able to come down. Had to ground myself numerous times, remind myself that I was not lost, I was, indeed, in a cushy recliner and safe. They weren't scary or anxiety inducing, just intense. I have a booster scheduled for Nov. 22nd, if I need it. If not, I cancel. I'm really hoping I don't need it, buuuuut . . . .

. . . . I've been starting to feel a little down again. Having periods where I feel meh, then do okay, then feel down. Or I just feel meh or down. Now, I know I'm not going to feel happy all of the time. I'm going to experience a full range of emotions and that's okay - even the "bad" ones. But I definitely don't like it, feeling meh or down. It makes me worry that I'm going to be stuck needing boosters every month to feel normal, to feel okay. That scares me, to be honest. I just want to be stable and okay, not meh and down. I keep telling myself that it's okay if I need boosters - it's just like needing to take my medications. But I feel like this is different. Like I've failed somehow if I need continued boosters. I'm working on stopping this negative spiral of thinking because it's not going to do me any good. But also, the infusions are expensive - $275 each - and I don't want that to be an added expense, especially since we're still saving for our Japan trip. Ugh.

Today I was supposed to work but I was put on "standby" (meaning I can get called in at any time). I'm glad I'm not at work. I'm feeling down this morning and I don't want to be around people (everyone thinks I'm better, I'm "cured" of my depression, and I don't want to show them otherwise, let them down somehow - it's stupid that this is how my mind works). My bestie says I'm feeling this way because my brain IS stupid and doesn't know how to feel normal. Which could very much be true. At any rate, I'm down this morning and I just want to go back to sleep. 

I have therapy tomorrow and I think this session will truly be my last one with Mike. Which is a real bummer. If I'm feeling okay I think I can handle that. If I'm feeling like I am right now . . . not so much. Him retiring is a loss I'm going to have to grieve. And in this state I'm not sure I can handle that. Not that I have any choice in the matter.

Let's move on. Artwork wise I've been trying to capture what I've seen during my infusions. Most notably dragons and cherry blossoms. I've done several paintings, none of them quite up to snuff. I like the dragons I've drawn and am considering getting one of them tattooed on me. We'll see. I'll give it some time to mull over before I make a final decision. I've been trying to paint waves and have discovered that I just don't have the skill to adequately do so. Which is disappointing. But I'll keep trying. 

I really hope I don't get called in today. Fingers crossed.

Friday 9/9/22 Well, I painted a little

 Look at that - another week has gone by. There's nothing special going on, nothing new, really. I do, however, feel more depressed than last week. I'm getting worse. I'm crying more. I'm angry more. I just feel worse. And I'm getting brain zaps again (probably because the Lexapro is completely out of my system). It's not fun. This week has not been fun. 

I'm painting though. I'm painting mostly scenery pictures, pretty things. I'm trying to paint non-depressing things basically, in hopes that it helps my mental health.

It hasn't.

Well, I guess it does for a very short period of time when I'm actually painting. It distracts me from how I'm feeling for a little bit. So that's a win I suppose. 

Today I painted 24 bookmarks. Took me about 3 hours. I like them. 

Next Thursday I have therapy with Mike. I think it's my last session with him. I'm not looking forward to it. Especially with how much I'm crying at stupid stuff - I'll probably lose my shit when I have to say goodbye. It's going to be hard. 

And next Friday I have a consult for my next tattoo - a daffodil on my left forearm (and also a very thin wedding band on my ring finger). I'm looking forward to that at least. Something to keep me going. 

I don't feel like writing more. I feel like crap. That is all. 

Friday 7/22/22 Retiring

 So I was at work on Wednesday, checking my email in the afternoon. I had an email from Mike (therapist), with the subject line "session". I thought oh thank God we can set up a session finally! I opened it immediately, feeling just a little giddy and excited, only to read that 1. Mike wants to know how I'm doing, and 2. he's retiring. 

Wait, what?

Retiring??? No. I must have read that wrong. I read the email again. He's retiring in October. He wants to meet to discuss this. 

Oh shit.

Seriously? Retiring? No. No, it can't be. He wants to meet August 3rd at 8am, if I can. I, of course, am scheduled to work that day. I make a decision - I'm calling in sick that day so that I can meet up with him. If not that morning, then who knows when? He's been out what, 6? 8 weeks from back surgery? I've been struggling. I need to see him. I check with a few people to see if they could possibly switch me days. No one can. Of course. So calling in it is. Which makes me feel guilty, but I have to do it. 

Then the emotions hit. I race to the break room and cry. I can't seem to stop. Luckily only one person walked in on this as I cried for 45 minutes, trying to pull myself together because I have patients to take care of dammit! 

I texted my hubby and best friend the news. They tried to help me see it in a positive light. Maybe this will be good for me, I'll get a different perspective on things. It doesn't help. See, Mike has been a solid fixture in my life for almost 10 years. Ten years. He's been there for me at my worst, he's seen me at my best. He's kept me from killing myself several times. He's always there for me. He knows me. He knows my history inside and out. I'm comfortable with him. I freaking love this man! (in a platonic way, of course). I can't imagine not being able to see him again. I know he has several therapists in his group that he can refer me to, but . . . it's just not the same. It'll be like I'm starting over from scratch. Having to rehash all of my traumas and history. Trying to build a foundation and relationship and trust with a new person. It all sounds so awful. Truly awful.

I'm trying to stay positive about this because the last thing I need is something else to cause me to spiral. But it's hard. In trying to remain positive, I decided to make him a card:

The inside:

I have to make it light. Funny, even. I don't want to let him know how much I'm reeling. I wrote a rather long paragraph in the card, thanking him for everything he's done for me. Wishing him a happy retirement. Because that's what I'm supposed to do, right? Take the high road, be an adult. Even though I don't want to be. Even though I feel lost and - almost - betrayed. 

As of right now I don't know what the future holds for me therapy wise. I'll find out August 3rd. Until then I'll just keep fumbling along, doing the best I can. It's all I can do.