Monday 7/24/23 Well, it's a Monday

 It's Monday. How . . . wonderful. I've been super cranky today for no real reason. I woke up this way. Cranky with no motivation. I forced myself to workout, go me. I have 4 drawings that I'm working on that need to be painted . . . that didn't get done today. Nope. I worked out, went to the store, listened to a podcast, had lunch, took a nap. And now I'm here, writing a bunch of BS while drinking matcha. Oy. 

I have a "consultation" on Wednesday. Basically a doctor's visit. Because I have almost every hypothyroid symptom one can have but my actual doctor keeps brushing me off because my thyroid levels are in the "normal" range. So I'm seeing a functional medicine doc to go over my history and symptoms and get their opinion. I'm tired of being cold. I'm tired of losing so much hair. I'm tired of dry skin and not being to lose weight no matter how little or how much I eat. I'm tired of feeling like I need a nap to get through the day (or tons of caffeine). So yeah. I have a consult on Wednesday. We'll se how that goes. It's an hour long and I have a ton of paperwork to fill out. But maybe they'll have answers for me. 

In other news, my mood has been slightly better overall? Maybe? On my days off I'm okay. Friday at work I was surprisingly okay (which was good because I had a VERY difficult patient who required tons of attention and "love"). Yesterday I was less okay, but not bad. I work tomorrow and I'm not really looking forward to it. Makes me realize I'm truly burnt out. I don't really enjoy my job most days and that sucks. 

Wow. I don't really have more I want to write. Mainly because I'm in such a negative headspace right now. So instead I'll share some paintings from my Growth series. 

 First up is Red Fox. With an aspen tree -  2 of my favorite things.

Next we have Fawn.

And last, Mountain Bluebird. 

These are the first 3 paintings in the series. I have 2 more sketched out (that I should have painted today, but didn't). I'm not really sure where I'm going with this series but I have a tiny bit of inspiration so I'm running with it. 

Tuesday 3/9/21 Test Results

 Well, another week has gone by. My son turned 14 yesterday, which is crazy. He's going to be driving soon! Aaaaaaaaa! We went to a Japanese ramen place for dinner Saturday night to celebrate and got ice cream after. He got lots of Manga books, games for his Switch . . . But yeah. Makes me feel old. And time definitely seems to be flying by.

Do you remember me having lots of lab work drawn? For my fatigue and other symptoms? I got the results in the mail the other day and I'm a little disappointed. Because everything is "normal" (well, my iron was high, and my triglycerides are slightly elevated). But "normal". I was so sure something was going  to come back out of whack. This is frustrating. I see my doc this Thursday to go over the results which just seems pointless. She's going to want to do a sleep study to look for sleep apnea. Because I snore sometimes. The really frustrating thing is, sure, sleep apnea could explain why I'm so tired, but it doesn't explain hair thinning, dry scalp, dry skin, cold sensitivity, and hot flashes. What about my other symptoms? This is annoying. And stupid. I have symptoms of hypothyroid but my levels are "normal". So I won't be treated. Or probably taken seriously. After all, blood tests don't lie, right? So I'm annoyed and frustrated and angry. 

And I have another reason I could be feeling tired: depression. Yeah. Stupid, fucking depression. I think that because I tried going off of Wellbutrin my depression is trying to come back. I've had a lot more negative thoughts, heavy sighs (lame, I know, but it's a symptom I get), not wanting to go to work, not wanting to get out of bed, and wanting to sleep the day away. All are symptoms of depression for me. Now, I don't really feel depressed. But I think I was on my way there before restarting the Wellbutrin. I'm, of course, hoping I don't advance further. And I think the depression is most likely the cause of the fatigue, rather than sleep apnea. But depression doesn't explain the other symptoms either. Which is, again, frustrating. I wish there was a clear cut answer. 

In other news, I mentioned last week that I was going to try to go paleo with my eating. Well, I'm doing it. I ate healthier last week and we bought tons of paleo foods on Sunday (like almond and coconut flour, almond butter, coconut milk, almond milk, lots of nuts and seeds . . . you get the idea). So of course shopping was expensive because we had to get all of the staples. And I'll be eating more meat and fruits and veggies, so lots of fresh produce. I've done amazing over the past week at not snacking on crap (especially at work) and avoiding refined sugar. And I even lost 2 pounds. I'm really hoping this will be a good change for me. My therapist would be proud - he told me to go paleo 2 years ago. 

Going paleo will take a lot more planning though. For all meals - not just dinner. I can't just make myself a sandwich and call it good - because I can't have bread (unless I make a paleo version myself). So there's going to be a lot more cooking on my part. And some baking. And I'm going to have to learn to like almond butter. It's definitely different than the Skippy peanut butter I'm used to. But I know I can do it. I want to get healthy, I want to lose weight. I got this! And hey, who knows, maybe it will help with the fatigue and depression. One can hope. 

Tuesday 2/23/21 Still Tired

Hi there. I'm still tired. Exhausted would be a more appropriate term, I think. And cold. My hands and feet are freezing, I'm in my hoodie, despite it being 62 degrees out (it's a gorgeous day). My hair seems to be thinning and I'm experiencing BO like I'm a teenager going through puberty again. WTF, body?? Seriously, it's ridiculous. Not to mention the muscle soreness and joint pain (thankfully mild). 

I have an appointment with my doctor this Friday. I'm sure I'll have lots of lab work drawn. I want to have lots of lab work drawn. I want to know what's going on. I have my suspicions. Sub-clinical hypothyroid is my top guess. Why subclinical? Well, I think my thyroid hormones will be within the normal range, but at the far end - not in the middle. I think this because my values always seem to be "normal" - I can't just have a clear cut answer. Which is annoying. But my symptoms match hypothyroidism. 

Though I have a feeling that my symptoms may be blamed on fibromyalgia. And who knows - maybe it really is fibromyalgia. But I think because of the muscle pain my doc might lean this way. And I could be totally off base. Who knows. 

There is a little worry in the back of my head though. A little worry that gets a little larger each day. Because I catch myself staring absently into space. Because I catch myself sighing heavily. Because I catch myself having more negative thoughts. 

Depression.

What if what I'm experiencing is depression trying to seep back into my life? I'm worried because I'm off of Welbutrin - I haven't taken it for a week now.  What if the Welbutrin was actually the reason I was feeling better and now that I'm off of it my depression is coming back. Slowly. Insidiously. What if . . .

The thing is, I don't feel depressed. I still feel happy. I still feel joyful. I don't have that emptiness in me that was all too consuming when I was depressed. But I still have that little worry. And I don't want it to be depression, obviously. And I don't want my doc to immediately jump to this conclusion because of my past. I want thorough testing done. I want all avenues checked before we make a diagnosis. I want this desperately not to be depression. 

I guess we'll see though. See what the doc says. And I'm not seeing my regular doc, btw. I'm seeing one of the PAs. Seeing my regular doc would have put my appointment time a month and a half away, instead of a week. Maybe fresh eyes will have a different perspective. 

I'm sick of feeling like this though. I want to be awake. I want to have energy. I don't want to be sore. I don't want to be cold or sweaty. Ugh. I want to feel how I did 3 months ago.

Anyway, I think I have my final version of my dove tattoo all painted out. It's a dove with cherry blossoms. And I'm really digging it.

Now I just gotta save up money . . . Sell some paintings and/or plushies. 

2/8/19

This post will be relatively short. Probably.

Anyway, I went to the doctor this week (my primary physician) as I've been extremely fatigued as of late. For the past 2 months really. I have several symptoms of hypothyroidism and I wanted to get it checked out. Doc thinks I'm just not sleeping well, doesn't think I'm hypothyroid, but ran a crap ton of labs on me just to be sure. Now I'm just waiting for those results to come back. In the meantime, I'm on water restriction after 7pm and no caffeine after 7pm, to see if that helps my sleeping (currently I wake up 3-4 times a night to pee).

We'll see.

Today has actually been kind of a crap day. My mood is low, I'm being really hard on myself for everything you could possibly think of, and I'm, well, fatigued. So it's been a rough day. I'd really like to curl up in bed, go to sleep, and not wake up until tomorrow morning (it's 2:30pm  right now). But alas, I can't. I have to push through the day and be an adult. I don't understand why I have to, maybe one of you could explain that to me.

So yeah. I just had to get that out. Hope you all are having a great day. You know, my one person who reads this.