Tuesday 7/20/21 Been a Minute

 It's been a couple weeks since I last wrote. No real reason really, just nothing much to say I guess. 

I'm so burnt out at work. It's been so busy and I've been working my call shifts in addition to my regular shifts. I need a break. A real break. I'm taking ten days off the end of August (for getting my tooth pulled) and it can't come fast enough. I'm at the point where I practically dread going into work. I work the next two days and I wish I didn't. I'm so tired of work. I'm so burnt out. And I don't know what to do about it. I know everybody gets this way about their job from time to time . . . it's just that I've felt this way for the past several months with no end in sight. I'm crankier. I don't connect as much with my patients. And I'm losing patience. I'm just so tired. It's hard to find the joy in what I do right now. Maybe if it wasn't so damn busy all the time. Maybe if we weren't short staffed every single day. Maybe if I could just take a break. I don't know. But I'm sick of feeling this way. 

In my last post I believe I talked about joining Warrior Babe Blueprint - a nutrition and fitness program. I've watched quite a few of the modules now and I'm counting my macros. I'm working out consistently. And I lost four pounds this past week. It's pretty awesome. I'm on my way to a new, healthier, sustainable lifestyle. And I'm thankful for that. I've learned a lot through the modules and I'm now applying it to my life. I'm going to crush my weight loss goals!

This Friday I'm getting my next tattoo - a chickadee on a pine tree branch. It's weird, but I haven't gotten really excited about it. I think because I'm thinking that something is going to happen so that I can't get it. Which would suck. Because I really want this tattoo. I'm sure Friday morning I'll be excited. 

Also, the past couple of weeks I've been having more twangs of anxiety. They don't last long, but they're there. And it's annoying. I'm feeling anxious right now in fact. Which is super dumb because I'm just sitting on the couch typing this. Nothing else is going on. I mean, WTF brain?? What's up with this??

This post wouldn't be complete without me writing something about my grandpa. See, my grandpa has been deteriorating rapidly the past week or so. He has congestive heart failure and 3rd stage kidney failure. And, I guess, dementia. He has been acting erratically and was even sent to a psych hospital for suicidal and homicidal ideation. He punched a nurse there. They sent him back to the medical hospital because of his declining health. He remains there. My mom and her hubby are driving out to see him and help my grandma move into an assisted living facility. I don't know what's going to come of all of this. My grandpa is in bad shape and it would probably be best for him to pass. I hate to say that, but it's true. I know this has added stress to my life, even though I'm not particularly close to him. He's still family and this is rough. 

So I'm burnt out, with added family stress and anxiety resurfacing. No wonder I'm feeling like crap. I'm trying to prioritize self care, with naps and working out high up there on the list. 

I guess that's it for today.

Tuesday 7/6/21 Well, I did something . . .

 So yeah. As the title states, I did something. Something I think I'm going to be proud of. Something that I think is going to help me immensely. Something . . . that my hubby doesn't know about yet. Oops. So this thing I did, what is it? Well, I joined a  training program called Warrior Babe Blueprint. It is a program that will teach me how to eat appropriately for my body type to lose weight, gain muscle, and then maintain what I achieve. It's a program that is set up much like my Mental and Emotional Mastery program was set up (which, I might add, I excelled at). It's a series of learning modules that I go through at my own pace. I'll learn about macros and what to eat when, how to measure my food accurately (instead of just eyeballing it like I do now). I'll learn which cardio and strength training exercises are best suited to my body type and my goals. I'll learn how to take control of my body and make it into what I want. It will help me eat better, sleep better, be better. I'll have more energy and hopefully won't need my customary afternoon nap (pretty much every day I'm off I nap - not because I want to, but because I don't feel like I can't function without one). I am super excited to start this program!! I signed up today. The only problem is the cost - it's not cheap. But I'm looking at this as a major investment in myself. I invested in myself last year when I did Mental and Emotional Mastery, I'm investing in myself this year by doing this. I'm worth it. And the program comes with tons of support from nutrition and fitness coaches every step of the way. For life. I can use this program and the support of coaches for life. That's huge. This is a lifestyle change. A lifestyle change for the better. I'm going to get healthy and strong. I'm going to excel. I am going to do this!!

Anyway, there isn't much of anything else going on. Work and sleep and sleep and work. I worked the 4th of July, which I figured would be a nice, chill day. It wasn't. I did 7 deliveries. It was busy. One, for a Sunday, but then especially for a holiday Sunday! I definitely earned my time and a half. I worked yesterday too and it was just as dumb. And the vibe was off yesterday. It just seemed like a weird day. But I'm off today and the next 2 days, so that's nice (I plan on starting my new program tomorrow - power through the learning!). 

That's all for today. Keep it pretty short.

Tuesday 5/25/21 I Need Ink

 Well it's Tuesday again, funny how that happens. 

So there's not much new in my world, I'm really rather boring. Hubby got a new car (at least new to us). This was Saturday. A 2013 Toyota Venza. It's silver, fully loaded, all wheel drive . . . a real nice ride. He's been wanting a Venza for years so this is pretty cool. It's super comfy, too. 

I've discovered that junk food doesn't agree with me any more. Since I've been eating healthier and mostly clean, my tummy does NOT tolerate junk (think fast food, refined sugar, fried foods . . . ). I get crampy and gassy and yes, diarrhea. So much fun! I mean, I guess it's good, right? No longer eating junk is good (and has helped me lose 18 pounds so far), and with getting the bubble guts I have a good deterrent to junk food. But MAN would I like a greasy Culver's burger and side of cheese curds! Even my beloved Chic fil a does me wrong now. Ugh. Oh well, healthy eating it is. I've been thinking of taking a food sensitivity test though, to see if there's something specific I'm reacting to (ya know, like gluten or dairy). We'll see. 

In other news, I'm jonesing for some new ink. On the top part of my right forearm. I just need to convince hubby that I need another tattoo. I've even designed it! I did 3 different paintings: two of a chickadee with cherry blossoms and one with a chickadee on a pine tree branch. The cherry blossoms are okay, but I love the one I painted today.

Chickadee on a pine tree branch! Some back story - I love chickadees. They remind me of my dad. Because growing up I would spend the weekends with him and I loved watching and listening to the chickadees up in the mountains. And pine trees remind me of the mountains too, for obvious reasons. And while I do love cherry blossoms, I just happen to like this painting the best out of all of them. So I do believe, with about 90% certainty, that this is my next tattoo. Now I just have to get hubby on board.

There's nothing much else going on. I had to call in sick to work on Saturday because of said bubble guts. Yesterday I helped deliver a 27 week old baby (40 weeks is term). She was super tiny - not quite 2 pounds! It was pretty awesome. My mood has still been holding steady, doing good. And our weather is finally feeling like spring but I'm still wearing my hoodie today because for some reason I'm FREEZING. I need to go sit out in the sun.

Tuesday 5/18/21

My computer is annoying me. Every 2-3 minutes a virus protection warning pops up, urging me to purchase antivirus software. STOP IT!!!!

Anyway, it's Tuesday and I've got nothing going on. I slept in, took my son to school, had a chiropractor appointment, and then went to my mother-in-law's house to stay with her while my brother-in-law went to the gym and to the store. So yeah, my mother-in-law, E, is home. She was discharged from the hospital on Saturday afternoon and is now home and doing fairly well. Although she doesn't like having to have people take care of her. My brother-in-law, S, took a couple of weeks off to be home with her and to help her get around. I'm not sure what we'll do when the two weeks are up. If E can't get around by herself (like to the bathroom and such) I really don't know what we'll do. Hubby and I both work full time so it's not like we can stay over with her all the time. I hope to God that she's more mobile and independent in a couple of weeks. 

In other news, we're looking to buy a new car. Hubbs wants a Toyota Venza and I agree, they're nice (especially the new ones!). Sadly, we cannot afford a new one, so used it is! We found one yesterday that looked real nice, drove real nice, and we negotiated a good price . . . only to find out that the undercarriage is completely rusted out. Darn it!! So it was a no go. Still looking. 

Yesterday was also our anniversary. We've been married for 18 years, together for 21! Holy crap can you believe it??? It doesn't seem like it's been that long, but it has been. Crazy. We spent the day car shopping and being let down by the rusty Venza. Went out to dinner to Red Robin and my tummy hated me for that. We ordered their tower of onion rings - which is delicious - but my tummy no longer seems to handle junk food well. By the end of our meal I was in pain. Bloated, gassy, cramping. I went to bed early and was horribly uncomfortable laying down because of the cramping and bloat. Ugh. So much for junk food I guess. I get the same way when I eat something sweet - like cookies or donuts and whatnot. Which, let's be honest, kind of sucks. I want to be able to eat junk food every once in a while but my tummy says no. So no fried or greasy foods or sweets. Bummer. Oh well, maybe it will help me lose weight and be healthier.   

Tuesday 3/9/21 Test Results

 Well, another week has gone by. My son turned 14 yesterday, which is crazy. He's going to be driving soon! Aaaaaaaaa! We went to a Japanese ramen place for dinner Saturday night to celebrate and got ice cream after. He got lots of Manga books, games for his Switch . . . But yeah. Makes me feel old. And time definitely seems to be flying by.

Do you remember me having lots of lab work drawn? For my fatigue and other symptoms? I got the results in the mail the other day and I'm a little disappointed. Because everything is "normal" (well, my iron was high, and my triglycerides are slightly elevated). But "normal". I was so sure something was going  to come back out of whack. This is frustrating. I see my doc this Thursday to go over the results which just seems pointless. She's going to want to do a sleep study to look for sleep apnea. Because I snore sometimes. The really frustrating thing is, sure, sleep apnea could explain why I'm so tired, but it doesn't explain hair thinning, dry scalp, dry skin, cold sensitivity, and hot flashes. What about my other symptoms? This is annoying. And stupid. I have symptoms of hypothyroid but my levels are "normal". So I won't be treated. Or probably taken seriously. After all, blood tests don't lie, right? So I'm annoyed and frustrated and angry. 

And I have another reason I could be feeling tired: depression. Yeah. Stupid, fucking depression. I think that because I tried going off of Wellbutrin my depression is trying to come back. I've had a lot more negative thoughts, heavy sighs (lame, I know, but it's a symptom I get), not wanting to go to work, not wanting to get out of bed, and wanting to sleep the day away. All are symptoms of depression for me. Now, I don't really feel depressed. But I think I was on my way there before restarting the Wellbutrin. I'm, of course, hoping I don't advance further. And I think the depression is most likely the cause of the fatigue, rather than sleep apnea. But depression doesn't explain the other symptoms either. Which is, again, frustrating. I wish there was a clear cut answer. 

In other news, I mentioned last week that I was going to try to go paleo with my eating. Well, I'm doing it. I ate healthier last week and we bought tons of paleo foods on Sunday (like almond and coconut flour, almond butter, coconut milk, almond milk, lots of nuts and seeds . . . you get the idea). So of course shopping was expensive because we had to get all of the staples. And I'll be eating more meat and fruits and veggies, so lots of fresh produce. I've done amazing over the past week at not snacking on crap (especially at work) and avoiding refined sugar. And I even lost 2 pounds. I'm really hoping this will be a good change for me. My therapist would be proud - he told me to go paleo 2 years ago. 

Going paleo will take a lot more planning though. For all meals - not just dinner. I can't just make myself a sandwich and call it good - because I can't have bread (unless I make a paleo version myself). So there's going to be a lot more cooking on my part. And some baking. And I'm going to have to learn to like almond butter. It's definitely different than the Skippy peanut butter I'm used to. But I know I can do it. I want to get healthy, I want to lose weight. I got this! And hey, who knows, maybe it will help with the fatigue and depression. One can hope.