Thoughts Saturday 5/2/26

 My 12 weeks off from work for my hip surgery are almost up. One more week. I go back to work May 10th (Mother's Day, bummer). And one thing I've realized is that I REALLY don't want to go back. I've ben enjoying my time off. Immensly. I've been able to paint so much. I haven't been stressed. I've felt more at peace. If it were possible I'd quit and just do art. But, alas, that is not possible. My art barely sells. We need my nursing income. It sucks. But, it is what it is. 

I've decided that I'm going to step down from being charge. That is where the main sourse of my work stress is. I don't want it anymore. I plan on seeing how work is going after stepping down before I make a decision to find another job. Part of me wants something different. Part of me wants to stay. I like my coworkers, I like my actual job well enough, I like the demographic of patients I serve . . . but I don't like the hospital system. They pile more and more on nurses without extra pay or help. So much relies on us. I feel like it's at a breaking point. I mean, my hospital can't even reliably have phlebotomy on staff - nurses have to do all of their own blood draws. This is a HOSPITAL for pete's sake. We should have phlebotomy. Patient loads are havier, patients are sicker (yes, even new moms), and we're always short staffed. Almost every day of my leave I've seen posts in our floor facebook page begging for help. Almost every. Single. Day. Something has to change. 

That's why I'm thinking about leaving. But will it be better anywhere else? Will I like what I'm doing somewhere else? I'm limited as to where I can go because I can't work nights (most hospital jobs you have to start of nights). I could do out patient surgery - a few of my coworkers have left to do that and seem to really like it. Only problem is that it would be a $15 an hour pay cut (if not more). So I don't know. Part of me is hoping that after I step down from charge and I don't have to worry about staffing and all the BS that goes along with it I'll like my job more and will be happier. Time will tell. 

In other news, I've been substantially more down the past 3-4 weeks. I don't know if it's perimenopause related or if it's depression rearing its ugly head. But it's most certainly annoying. Right now I'm just dealing with it. If it gets worse then I'll be hitting up the ketamine clinic because I'm not playing that game. I'm not going to get worse. 

That's about it for now. Toodle loo. 

Wednesday 7/17/24 Ugh

 I've had some more rough days. Both at work and at home. Yesterday and Monday in particular were not great. Monday I was down and had no energy. Yesterday I was irritable and down and couldn't seem to get out of my funk. I felt like Jer was mad at me (he wasn't). But I felt that way so it was harder for me to come out of my funk. I'm over feeling like this. Why? Why does it always have to come back? Yeah. I know. I have bipolar disorder. That's what it does. But why can't I go a little hypomanic? Just a little. My Vraylar does a little too good of a job at keeping my highs in check. 

A little hypomania would be so nice right now. I'd have energy. I could get stuff done. I could feel really good. But no. No, my stupid brain always has to swing the other way. It's frustrating. I'm frustrated and irritable and down. Lame.

Also, I'm so burned out with work. The past 2 months have been stupid busy. Like, STUPID busy. Everyday we're asking for help. Every. Single. Day. We're always short staffed. Morale is down. Everyone is tired of being overworked and short staffed. It sucks. This week was supposed to be better. There wasn't much actually scheduled c-section and induction wise. A nice breather. Well, ha ha, no. I got a text again this morning looking for help today. So what the fuck. Part of me feels obligated to go in and help. But I'm not going to. I work the next two days. And if we're looking for help again today, then most likely we'll need it for the next 2 days as well. Meaning I'll get to work short staffed yet again. Tomorrow I'm primary nursery (meaning I'm attending deliveries). There was only one c-section and 2 inductions scheduled when I looked on Sunday. I wonder if that's changed. Friday I'm charge again. Pretty much every single shift I'm charge is a shit show. Tons of deliveries, not enough discharges to absorb deliveries, not enough staff, drama on the floor . . . a regular old dumpster fire. This past Sunday was the exception - it was actually a pleasant day. I didn't want to rip my hair out at the end of the shift. But that's not how it usually goes. 

So Yeah. Work has been sucky, my mood is sinking, and I don't know what to do about it. At least, I guess, I'm losing weight. Slowly but steadily I'm losing weight. Down 25 pounds now. Go me. 

I was going to upload a recent painting that I did, since it's been awhile since I posted one, but my computer is being a bag of dicks and won't let me. Well, I guess it's not my computer, it's blogger blocking it for some reason. I don't know. So no painting today. Sorry.

Monday 7/8/24 Rough

 Feeling rough again. Down. Melancholy. Irritable. All of those things. And, really, I have been for several days in a row now. This is very frustrating for me. I've had such a long streak of doing well and now, well, I'm not. I'm not depressed. I wouldn't say that, not yet. But I appear to be heading in that direction. This is so. Fucking. Annoying. I don't want to have another ketamine infusion. Those are expensive. And I'm already expensive because I'm on the semaglutide. I want to be back to how I was - content. Unbothered. Happier. Not how I am now.

It started out feeling down at times at work. If I wasn't doing something I'd get this mild existential dread. And it would pass, or I would get busy and forget about it. But it started happening more frequently. And now I'm feeling it at home. Yesterday I just wanted to be asleep. I was questioning what the point of being awake was. If I'm going to feel like crap I'd rather sleep through it. But alas, I cannot. No, I have to be a functional adult and do things. Which is dumb. Like work. I work tomorrow. And my friend/coworker is having her baby tomorrow and I'm going to have to be happy and whatnot and I'm just not feeling it. Maybe tomorrow will be different. And if not, hopefully I can put on a good show. 

I keep thinking, maybe if I could have a good cry I'd feel better. But I can't seem to get to that point - I can't cry. I can feel like I'm going to, even tear up a little, but I can't seem to do it. So I just feel down and angry. The irritability is a bitch, too. I feel so cranky over everything. I'm not snapping at Jeremy or Ayden or anything. I feel it most when I'm driving or I'm at work. I hate it. 

Anyway, not much of anything else is going on. I want to draw and paint but I have no motivation. I need to make my mom's birthday card (her birthday was yesterday - we're going out to dinner on Wednesday), but I'm lacking ideas. I'll come up with something, I'm sure, but probably not today. *sigh*

Wednesday 6/26/24 Blah

 Originally I wasn't going to write today. I don't have much of anything to say. But I'm feeling pretty low today and I don't know why. I slept okay, had breakfast, worked out, showered . . . and then, this *vaguely gestures at self*. I don't know. I don't know what my deal is today. I know I've been trending down again, but it hasn't been bad - just noticeable. Today though . . . I just want to hide away. Or stare off into space. Or doom-scroll. I really don't feel great. Really, I want to go back to bed and wait for the day to pass. But alas, I cannot. I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon and I feel like I should try and be productive. I tried to read. Made myself an iced matcha latte, sat out on the deck with a book. But I couldn't read. I couldn't focus. So now I'm in my studio writing this, hoping that if I get it off my chest I'll feel better. 

I'd love to paint. I'd love to be creative. But the thought of trying to do that is overwhelming right now. Everything is a little overwhelming right now. I worked yesterday, I work the next 2 days, and I don't want to. I notice my down feelings more at work. So, knowing how I'm feeling right now, I don't want to feel like this tomorrow. It will be noticeable to people because I'll pretty much shut down. Ugh. 

I just wish I knew the cause of this. If there was something that triggered me to feel like crap. If there was, I have no idea what it was. Oh well, what can ya do? Guess I'll scroll pinterest and make lunch, go to my appointment. Ciao. 

Friday 9/8/23 Ketamine

 

I drew this yesterday. And this - me hating people - is why I had a ketamine infusion today. 

See, I've been very angry as of late. About everything. Like, literally everything. My sock slightly twisted? Angry. Work? Angry. I have to pee? AGAIN?? Angry. Life in general? Angry. And I've been feeling more melancholy as well. Not all the time - but more frequently. This is usually the first sign of a depressive episode coming on for me. Anger and melancholy. The anger isn't as common as the melancholy, but it's definitely a signal I need to pay attention to. So I did. And had a ketamine infusion to nip the depression in the butt (my therapist will be proud of me - she suggested I have an infusion at our last session). 

Today's infusion was relaxing and random. Lots of purples and dark blues. At one point it felt like I was laying on the forest floor, looking up at the stars. The next moment I was watching polar bears run and wondering if "walrus" was a real word (I saw walruses as well). It still feels like a strange word to me. The infusions are so hard to describe because everything is swirling and moving and flowing and changing form one minute to the next. There's no real sense of self or time. The meditation music I listen to feels alive and pulses with the colors and shapes. Everything is very abstract and fluid. Sometimes I feel as though I'm in a small and comforting place. Other times in vast expanses with no end in sight. But the whole experience is warm and calm and relaxing and invokes wonder and awe. 

Let's be honest though - I was trippin' balls, y'all. Just in a safe and legal way. I don't really understand how ketamine helps depression (I'm not sure science quite understands it), but it helps and is another tool at my disposal. So I'll use it. Hopefully I'll be a little more compassionate and empathetic and a little less angry. One can hope.

Tuesday 8/15/23 Results

 Well hello there. I saw the functional medicine practitioner yesterday and got the results of my bloodwork: my thyroid is fine. Which is, I guess, good news, right? But then why am I having symptoms? Well, I have other stuff wrong with me. Mainly gut issues. Absorption issues. My body is not utilizing what I'm giving it. Not even water - my labs showed me to be pretty dehydrated (even though I drink tons of water, my body just isn't using it at a cellular level - I just pee it all out). I'm really low in key nutrients: magnesium, zinc, calcium, protein. All of which can give me hypothyroid like symptoms and depression. My iron is double what it should be - meaning my body isn't utilizing it as it should and this is what's likely causing my heart palpitations (excess iron is often deposited around the heart). My kidney functioning is down, my fasting blood sugar was elevated (they said probably due to reactive hypoglycemia), and my cholesterol wasn't stellar. It was lots of information. After this information dump they went over the gist of the plan they laid out for me. Detox, remove major food groups then slowly reintroduce them to see what's causing me gut inflammation, exercise, supplements, more blood work, meeting with them every other week for 6 months . . . all for the low, low price of $7600. Oh. My. God. I knew their program was going to be expensive, but $7600??? I was thinking around 2-3 grand. So that really just made it unavailable to me. So yeah. No working with them right now. So I did some research and found a new multivitamin without iron (which they suggested), a good magnesium supplement, and digestive enzymes to help my body use nutrients. I don't know how I'm going to get over being dehydrated - I drink around 70-80oz of water a day. I don't think I can drink more than that - especially with how much it makes me pee (I mean, I got up 4 times last night to pee!). I'm going to try and eat more whole foods and cut out refined sugar where I can. I'm taking a good probiotic. I'm trying to exercise consistently. 

Speaking of exercising, I've been doing yoga. Every day for 7 days straight so far. And I'm loving it. I look forward to it. I'm even getting up early before work to do it (3 days so far). I ordered a Pilates bar with bands so I can start doing some Pilates (something else I'm looking forward to and excited about). Yesterday I did chest and arms; today I did shoulders and back (lifting). Thursday I'll do legs. Like, I'm trying. I haven't felt excited about working out for a loooooong time. Years. But with yoga and Pilates I'm getting excited about it. About getting stronger and transforming my body. I really want to do this and that's something I haven't felt for years. And maybe getting this bloodwork back is the kick in the pants I need to really start taking care of myself. Now if only I could change my mindset . . .

Mindset. That's something else I need to work on. I'm okay when I'm not at work. Maybe a little blah here and there, but mostly okay. But at work, man. I'm just not happy. I'm not enjoying myself. I'm struggling. I find it hard to engage with people, to connect with patients. I don't want to do anything. I haven't been going out of my way to help people - instead I retreat and hide away. Which is not how I want to be. But I don't know how to change it. I'm burnt out. I'm tired. And I don't know if it's just depression making me feel this way or if I really need to change jobs. I'm just so worried that if I change jobs I'll be unhappy there, too. At least where I'm at I know my job and the people I work with. Starting over is so scary. Everything just feels so . . . stagnant. And I've been feeling this for awhile. For the better part of a year. It's getting more and more pronounced as time moves on. To the point where I dread going to work. And, what makes it hard too is that I don't have many friends. I have people I'm friendly with, but not many actual friends. My best friend Lesley is out on FMLA and most likely not coming back. In fact, she's probably moving to Ohio. My other good friend, Beth, only works weekends so I rarely see her. And my friend Tracy, I hardly ever see her. Like, I don't think I've seen her once in the past month. Everyone else are coworkers who I can mostly be friendly with, but don't really open up to. And that makes for a long day when you aren't really talking and don't want to be there in the first place. Ugh. I wish I knew what to do. 

So anyway, I guess I'll leave you with some artwork:

This is "Mushroom", part of my Growth series. I like how he turned out. It's 5X7, ballpoint pen.

Wednesday 3/8/23 Happy Birthday

 Today Ayden turned 16. It's crazy to think that he's that old. He's been driving and will get his license in August. He has a girlfriend. Just . . . crazy. He's a good kid. I wish his grades were better, but he's a good kid. 

I don't have that much to write about today. This past week has been . . . okay. Not great, but okay. Friday and yesterday I worked and actually felt somewhat decent. More like my old self. My non-depressed self. So that's good. Today I'm a little more down and feel like napping the day away. I did some drawing, started laundry, but I don't know what else to do with myself. I don't feel like reading, or painting, or doing anything. It's annoying. It is what I'm used to though. The no motivation and whatnot with depression. I just wish I was more "okay" today too. Oh well.

I drew a couple of foxes today. I'm still trying to work out a tattoo design. This is my favorite:

It's the one I'm leaning towards, even though it's not in color. We'll see. Probably won't get a new tat until we're back from Japan. 

That's really all I have for today.

Tuesday 2/28/23 Almost March

 Tomorrow is March y'all. That's crazy. My son will be 16 on the 8th - which is also crazy. Time flies . . .

I feel like I need to write. I always feel like I need to write when I'm feeling crappy. Somehow, writing helps, even if only a tiny bit. I've just been consistently not doing good. I'm still down. Hell, let's call it what it is - depressed. I've been depressed. I'm having a hard time accomplishing anything other than basic tasks. I shower, I eat, I do laundry. I go to work and struggle to get by. I have no motivation or drive for anything. I'm having a hard time concentrating enough again to even read. I hate this. I don't know what to do. I'm seeing my new therapist every other week, taking my meds like a good girl, trying to exercise at least twice a week, trying to eat better, trying to stay positive (which is all fake and extremely difficult to do), and trying to socialize with people while at work and not be a complete downer. 

But I am a complete downer. I'm not any fun to be around right now. My mood is low. I'm sluggish. I'm not connecting with people. I'm struggling. I'm so burnt out at work. I dread going. And I don't know what to do about that. I've been in the birth center for almost 14 years and I've always loved my job. But now . . . I'm burnt out. I don't want to go. But I'm not sure I can leave (well, right now I can't leave as I had signed a 2 year contract for a bonus). And if I left, what would I do? Where would I go? I have a feeling that no matter what I do I'll be miserable because in general right now I'm miserable. So what would be the point? I might as well stay where I know my job and the people I work with. I don't know if I dread work because I'm depressed in general or if work is a major contributor to feeling depressed. Maybe it's both. Who knows. The only other area of nursing I'm interested in is psych and everyone agrees that that's probably a bad idea for me. And inpatient psych . . . yeah. Probably wouldn't be rewarding. It's treat the crisis and ship them out. And people in crisis can be nasty to others. How would dealing with that make me feel?

Ugh.

So I have no clue as to what to do. I can have another ketamine infusion in March if I want (boosters are once a month). I felt amazing after my last one but that feeling quickly faded. So I'm worried the same thing will happen again. Maybe I should go anyway. I don't know. I feel lost and sad and a little scared. And I'm so freaking tired of feeling this way. Why can't I have some toned down, euphoric hypomania? Just a little bit. Just for a little while. Is that too much to ask?

I did a painting titled "Emerge". It's kind of, trying to emerge from the darkness that is depression. Except instead of a person I drew a fox. I mean, why not?

Here it is. I like it, I guess. It came out how I envisioned it, so that's good. The problem, though, is that I'm not emerging from the darkness. I'm enveloped in it. I'm stuck. And I hate that.

Thursday 2/23/23 Therapy

 So I had therapy today - my second session with my new therapist. And I felt like such a goob the whole time. I felt close to tears almost the entire session and my voice showed it I think. See, my depression has hit me hard the past few days. Well, week or so. Let's be honest. And today, before therapy, I was close to tears. For no real reason. Just feeling like crap. So it's no surprise that I was feeling the same way in therapy. Beforehand I managed to start a few drawings (didn't paint though), so my time wasn't completely worthless (I wanted to stare off into space). 

But anyway. Therapy. Becky started by giving me a stack of cards with pictures on them. She instructed me to go through the stack and pick out any that resonated with me. I picked out around 8ish cards. We then discussed why each of them resonated with me. The cards basically represent some of my various "parts" (we're doing Internal Family Systems therapy, or IFS). Today we focused on a blocking part. A part of me that blocks out strong emotions. It doesn't necessarily keep me numb (well, sometimes maybe), but it keeps me from feeling strong emotions and being overwhelmed by them or "losing control". 

While reading the book No Bad Parts (which is about IFS), I came across and "abandoned girl" part of me. I felt a wave of sadness and intense grief come over me, started to tear up, and then BAM! Curtain dropped, wall up, the feelings were blocked. That's the work of this "blocking" part of me. It's scared that if I feel strong emotion like that that I'll become overwhelmed and won't be able to function, and will maybe spiral further into depression. It's kept me from fully feeling the grief over Mike retiring (except for the day of my last session with him when I did lose control and sobbed horribly). When I start to feel strong emotion over it, there's the blocking part, doing its job, keeping me from feeling. What it doesn't understand is that I need to feel these emotions, at least to an extent. So the work becomes reassuring this part that it's okay for me to feel, that I can handle it, and that I won't lose control. Which is probably easier said than done. 

We also talked in general about how I was doing, how the past two weeks have been. I took an FMLA day this past Tuesday as I felt I couldn't handle work. I work again Saturday and I plan on being there. WE talked about how that was going to look: with me probably putting on a false front and pretending that everything is okay. Which brought to light how I often keep people at an arm's distance and don't let too many people see the true me (Jer, Beth and Lesley are exceptions). And how I don't understand how anyone could genuinely care about me because I'm just . . . me. (This gets into being raised by an absent, alcoholic mother and not feeling cared for growing up. Joy.) So we opened a big 'ol box of worms. 

And now I'm feeling tearful and quite annoyed with myself for stupid things (I emailed Becky my Deviant Art page and forgot to put the ".com" in the URL so the link doesn't work so I feel stupid and inadequate and I'm beating myself up over it. Go me.). 

In other news, the last two weeks of volunteering were canceled due to snow so now it's been a month since I've gone. In a way it's a relief, but at the same time I miss it. 

Anyway, I guess that's it. There's more, I'm sure, but I'm hungry, I have to pee, and I have to pick up my son from school, so . . . that's it. 

Wednesday 2/15/23 Ugh

 My last post was rather uplifting; this one maybe not so much. 

I don't know. We'll see. It's been a rough couple of days again. I was feeling so good last Wednesday and Thursday and then Friday BAM! Back to being down. More lost, I think. I worked Saturday and was just feeling down the whole time. Sunday I was supposed to go to a Super Bowl party with Jer at his friend's house and I ended up not going - I was NOT feeling it. Thinking about socializing with a ton of people I don't know sounded awful and made me anxious. On top of that I was feeling pretty down all day, so I didn't go. I stayed home and read. Monday I was called off. Which was probably a good thing because I had an extra day to "recover" before working yesterday. Work yesterday was stupid busy. Busy enough that I couldn't pay attention to how I was feeling. Well, except a couple of fleeting moments of down time in which I felt down and exhausted. 

So ugh. Why did I have to go from hopeful and okay back to this? It's frustrating and annoying and stupid and not fair. I'm over it.

Today is a snow day for Ayden and Jer is working from home - we got a decent amount of snow over night and it's still snowing. I'm off and have accomplished nothing except starting a load of laundry. I talked to my mom on the phone for a bit earlier and surprisingly she hadn't been drinking. Guess I caught her early enough. Now I'm just sitting here, wondering what to do with myself. I don't feel like painting or drawing or reading or anything really. I'm not necessarily down today, but I'm kind of just here. Just existing. Going through the motions. I know things I should do, but I lack any sort of drive to DO them. I've been staring off into space. Real productive. 

I probably will read though, after lunch. I'm almost through No Bad Parts (the book I ordered last week that my new therapist Becky has). It's . . . interesting. A new take on mental illness and therapy. One I'm not sure I quite swallow. The beginning of the book made some sense but the further I get into it . . . I'm not so sure. I'm not going to go into it here - it's a LOT to explain. I'm trying to keep an open mind about it as it's what we'll be doing in therapy. So we'll see how it goes. The book has exercises to do throughout. I was able to do the first two, but the next several after that? Nope. Nothing. So I don't know. Again, I'm trying to keep an open mind and remain curious. I can see how some things would be helpful but am not quite grasping other things. Time will tell.

Anyway, I'm hungry. I should probably eat something.

Thursday 2/9/23 A New Beginning

 A lot happened this week. I took my first intermittent FMLA day on Tuesday, I had another ketamine infusion yesterday, and I saw my new therapist today. Quite a bit if you ask me. 

I worked this past Sunday and had a really rough go of it. I was even disassociating, and people noticed. So I felt it was best if I had an extra day off and called in sick on Tuesday (which gives me the whole week off because I don't work again until Saturday). I felt bad calling in, but I have the FMLA for exactly this reason so I might as well use it. 

Yesterday was another ketamine infusion. My last one (2 weeks ago) was less than helpful. It was dark and heavy and overbearing and I felt anxious. Yesterday, though, was the complete opposite. It was light and airy and and colorful and comforting like a big marshmallow hug. I felt calm and warm and joyful. I left feeling hopeful. I still feel hopeful, which is wonderful. My mood was immediately lifted and I went from feeling depressed to feeling pretty okay. 

And today. Today I saw my new therapist for the first time. Her name is Becky and she's super nice. She does things quite a bit differently than Mike does, which will hopefully be a good thing. A new perspective, you know? A fresh set of eyes. I didn't know what to expect going in today. I was keeping an open mind. She had me talk about my last session with Mike which brought up tears. I wasn't expecting that, honestly. For it to still be so raw and painful. But that's grief for ya. Rears its ugly head whenever it pleases. We made a game plan of what we're going to tackle and she wants to see me every other week for a bit so we can start to build a relationship. I think this will be good for me. I ordered a book she had in her office, No Bad Parts, by Richard Schwartz. She trained under Dr. Schwartz, apparently, and uses his theory in her practice. So hey - why not read up on it?

Wow. I don't really have much more to write. I thought there would be more, I really did. Maybe that's a good thing? 

Thursday 2/2/23 When the Feels Are Too Much

 

This is how I feel sometimes. Like I need to scream it out. My feelings get overwhelming and need to be released. 

Not today though. Today I'm apathetic. Today I just don't give two shits about anything. Today I don't care. I don't like feeling like this, like I don't care. I'd rather feel my feelings, I think. Even when they can be overwhelming, at least I'm feeling. 

This past week has been rough at times. Not all the time; but at times. I did a painting, "Growth Through Grief" (here, I'll share it with you)

And I thought to myself how much Mike would appreciate this painting. And I started crying, because he'll never see it and that crushed me. And that's the thing. That's how grief is. You can be doing fine and then BAM! It hits you out of nowhere and you're feeling it all over again. I've had moments this past week where I've been fine - a little down or meh, but otherwise fine. And I've had moments where I've not been fine. Where I've been close to tears or crying. And then I've had some moments like today where I feel nothing. Where I'm completely apathetic. I'm getting the whole gamut I guess.

I'm seeing my new therapist next Thursday. I had emailed her, asking for times a month out, and all I got was next Thursday at 10am. Maybe she just wants to see me, make sure I'm okay since losing Mike was hard and all. I don't know. I guess I'll find out. She seemed nice when I met her last week and I'm going to do my best to keep an open mind. Because, as Jeremy says, no one will ever be Mike. But maybe this will be good for me. A fresh set of eyes. Time will tell. 

I've come to realize that I'm utterly burnt out from work. Work has been . . . work. I've not been enjoying myself and every day I work I don't want to go. I almost dread it. I know a lot of people are burnt out. Last month was slower and this month will probably be slower, which means we work even harder because our grid sucks. We get more patients and have to do the CNA work on top of it (oh, and phlebotomy too, because God forbid the hospital keep phlebotomists on hand). And it's not better anywhere else, so leaving would be pointless (not to mention signing the 2 year contract for a bonus). I don't know how to make things better. I don't know how to make me better. I'm hoping that going to Japan - a nice long vacation - will help. But I don't know if it will. Maybe I'm ready for a change. I don't know. The only other area I'm interested in is psych. And everyone thinks that's a bad idea for me to pursue. I'll just keep plugging along I guess, hoping things will get better. 

Thursday 1/26/23 The End of an Era

 I'm having a rough go of it today. Today truly is the end of an era. Today I had to say goodbye to my therapist, Mike. I knew this day was coming (he told me about his retirement in what? July? August?), but that didn't make today any easier. In fact, it's been hard as hell. I can't stop crying. It's hard to say goodbye to someone that you love. And I did love Mike. Hell, still do of course. It's just . . . now I don't get to see him anymore. He's been with me through everything. All my ups and downs (my WAY ups and my WAY downs). He's played a pivotal role in my healing over these past 10 years. It's crazy to think that I've been seeing him for 10 years. Sometimes every week. Sometimes monthly. Sometimes we'd skip 6 or 8 months. But he was always there for me, only a phone call or text away. And now . . . he's not. I didn't think it was going to hit me this hard. I didn't think that I would be crying so hard that I would hyperventilate and almost pass out. My eyes are swollen and wet (thank god for water proof mascara), they sting. I have a headache from the crying. I've been feeling emotionally fragile and now I'm just shattered. I don't know how I'm going to put the pieces together again. Sounds almost comical - I mean, it's not like I lost my husband. Mike was my therapist. But he was also a friend and a father figure for me. He's seen me at my worst and at my best. He's been my biggest cheerleader besides my husband. And I don't get to see him anymore. I'm crushed.

He didn't leave me empty handed - he's having a colleague, a lady named Becky, take over for him. I'm glad he hand picked a new therapist for me, that he knows her and likes her. That helps. But I have to start over from scratch. I have to build a new therapeutic relationship with a stranger and that's daunting. I'm starting fresh and that's scary. Jeremy has told me many times that maybe this will be a good thing, a new set of eyes, a fresh perspective. And he could be right. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm scared and grieving. 

At the end of our session today is when we talked about him retiring. I was close to tears the whole time, knowing this was coming, and then we had to bring it out in the open. I held it together in front of him. Well, kind of. I started to cry and we hugged. I lost it when I got out to my truck. I cried so hard it hurt. I cried the whole way home and I haven't really stopped. I'll be okay for a few minutes and then the tears start up again. How long is this going to hurt? Why does it have to hurt so bad?

In other news, I had my first ketamine booster infusion yesterday. It was intense - probably the most intense one I have had (and we went down in the dose). Dr. Jeff told me it would be more intense because I haven't had an infusion since October. He wasn't lying. I'm worried that having to grieve a profound loss will cancel out any positive benefits of the booster. I guess if that's the case I'll have to have a booster next month. I don't really want to but if I must, I must. 

I guess that's it then. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel utterly directionless. Lost. And profoundly sad. 

Tuesday 1/17/23 The Dichotomy of Me

 The dichotomy of me. It's the title of a painting I did today. I haven't been painting, well, hardly at all as of late. But today I did two paintings, both personal. 

The Dichotomy of Me:

It's a reflection on bipolar disorder, I guess. I tend to hang on the side of depression more than anything (my mania is well controlled with antipsychotics). I've been feeling rather low for the past month or so. Getting progressively worse as the days go by. So I decided to bite the bullet and make an appointment for a booster ketamine infusion. I have it next Wednesday morning. I was hoping to go longer before needing an infusion, but I guess three months is respectable. I'm trying not to let myself feel like a failure for needing a booster, which is where my mind naturally goes. I naturally tend toward the negative. I'm actively working to change this. It's hard. I have to constantly be aware of my thoughts and counter them. It takes quite a bit of energy, but I'm trying. 

There really isn't anything much else going on. I'm trying to work out consistently, it's going okay. I'm trying not to nap all the time, which is what I want to do, because then I don't have to deal with how I'm feeling. I'm trying to come up with ideas for art - that's slow going. And I'm trying to remain positive. All of these are difficult things. But I'm plugging along, as best as I can. 

The other painting I did today is "There Will Be Signs":

There are signs to my declining mental health, and I'm too stubborn or too proud to admit that they're there. Until to day. Because I made the appointment for an infusion. I'm finally admitting to myself that I probably need a little help getting back to where I want to be. I'll get there. Eventually.

Monday 1/9/23 It's Monday

 Hooray. It's Monday. Such excitement. Much joy. Many sarcasm. 

Another week has gone by, a week filled with nothing special, really. I'm stuck in the doldrums. A little melancholy, very much meh or blah. I'm mostly just kind of . . . here. Existing. Carrying on, going through the motions, but not getting much done. I haven't drawn or painted in almost a month now. I'd like to, I just can't seem to do it. I have no inspiration or motivation, no drive. I have no motivation to do anything. Not even putting dishes in the dishwasher. Barely even basic hygiene (I really had to force myself to shower this morning and I put on basically no makeup - too much work). This, of course, doesn't help how I'm feeling. I look in the mirror and see an ogre. An ugly thing that isn't taking care of herself. And part of me doesn't care. 

Today is especially bad for some reason. Yesterday was bad too. Yesterday I was at work and getting annoyed and irritated by everything. I wasn't "feeling it". I was down and more quiet, though I tried not to be. Today I'm down as well and all I want to do is sleep. Sleep the day away. I feel slow and lazy and done with everything. And it's weird, because for as awful as I'm feeling right now I'm not flat. Not empty. Not how I normally am when I'm depressed. I have emotions (it's just that most of my emotions are negative right now). I would even say that I'm emotionally fragile. A song or a video on Facebook or Instagram could make me cry. Literally. It's frustrating. I don't want to feel this way. 

I had therapy last Thursday and it was over Zoom. I really prefer in person, but that wasn't an option last week as Mike had had hernia surgery and wasn't recovered from it yet. Zoom is better than nothing. I cried while recounting the infant death. I talked about the holidays and Ayden and his girlfriend. I felt it was a productive session but I left it feeling I needed more. More of what, I don't know. But more. And today I did another session of hypnotherapy (have I mentioned before that I'm doing this?). Trying to get my binge eating under control, trying to eat more healthfully, trying to exercise and get in shape, trying to stay away from junk food. I certainly don't feel as though I'm being "hypnotized", listening to the recordings. But they do relax me, and maybe, somehow, they'll help. I can use all the help I can get. 

If these feelings continue, if I see no improvement over the next week or so, it may be time for a ketamine booster. I don't really want to, because I'm stubborn and want to be better on my own, but I may need to suck it up an go. It's been two months since my last treatment. I was hoping I'd make it until at least three. But I can't keep doing this. I can't keep feeling this way and getting nothing done. I can't make those around me miserable with my lack of, well, everything. 

So that's where we're at. Bit of a depressing post, I know. But, well, it seems that's where I'm at right now. Hopefully this week will be better. Hopefully I'll get stuff done. 

Thursday 12/22/22 A Horrible Day

 I've been doing quite poorly the past week. Feeling down and depressed, irritable and annoyed. There was an event that triggered this. A rather horrible event that happened last Friday.

I was at work, in transition nursery, attending deliveries like I always do, when the unthinkable happened. Room 16 went for a crash c-section because we lost baby's heart tones. I called NICU to let them know and the team was assembled - high risk trans nurse, myself, respiratory therapist, nurse practitioner, and the neonatologist. We were prepared. We had our equipment ready. Decision to incision was about 4 minutes. The baby was born grey and lifeless. CPR was started immediately. The baby was intubated, umbilical lines placed, epinephrine given. At first I thought the baby would turn around, start breathing, start crying.

That did not happen.

Five doses of epinephrine were given. Sodium bicarb, and 40ml bolus of saline. Compressions for 20 minutes before time of death was called. We worked so hard to save this little life but God had other plans. The neonatologist approached the dad outside of the OR to tell him the bad news. He was brought in to see his son, Cade. He lost it, as any parent would. We all cried with him, what else could we do? He and his son were taken to a private room with our social worker and a nurse while mom was taken to recovery to wake up (she had been put under general anesthesia). 

It was awful. The whole situation just terribly awful. In my nearly 14 years of doing nursery this is only the second life I've lost. Both instances were traumatic. The first one, 8 years ago, sent me into psychosis. I had delusions and hallucinations for months. This time I'm much more stable but my brain has decided depression is the way to go. I feel so horrible for this family. I've been praying for them daily. I don't know what else to do. I'm hoping as I get more remote from the delivery, as I talk about it with Mike in a couple of weeks, the depression will dissipate and I won't need a round of ketamine. But for now I grieve. There's no way to make sense of it. 

So I've been down, depressed, irritable, and annoyed. I'm trying not to dwell. I'm trying to be upbeat and positive. I'm trying to let go. I'm doing all the things to make myself okay. And yet, I'm not. Not really. But I'm hopeful I'll get there, one way or another. 

And then, to add insult to injury, I found out something horrifying yesterday. My son has his first girlfriend. He's 15. And my hubby and I found out yesterday that she gave him oral sex. He's FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS OLD. That is NOT okay. I felt literally sick to my stomach when hubby texted me. I felt like curling up in a ball and crying. What the actual fuck is going on here?? My sweet little boy isn't so sweet and innocent anymore. I feel like I've lost something. I feel angry and confused and sick and concerned and horrified and sad. I didn't need this right now - I'm already emotionally fragile. Hubby had a long talk with him yesterday. I haven't seen him yet as he went to his grandma's house last night before I got home from work. So I'll see him today and have a chat with him. What do I even say?

I need a break from adulting.

Friday 12/9/22 Stuff and things

 Well, it's Friday. Nothing special about it.

I've managed to get two good workouts in this week, plus walking yesterday volunteering. It's a start. I downloaded a workout app that I "committed" to using at least twice a week. It has hundreds (if not thousands) of different workouts to choose from - Tuesday and today I did total body workouts (today was more of a HIIT workout, Tuesday was more strength focused). I was sore after Tuesday, and my legs are jello today. I'm hoping I can continue to be consistent and work out regularly. I really need to get in shape in general, but especially in time for our Japan trip - we're going to be walking a LOT the two weeks we're there! I don't want to be struggling to get around or totally exhausted. I've got a little over 5 months to get in shape. I can do it!

I did my first craft fair last weekend (the 3rd and 4th). I sold more than I thought I was going to sell, so that's good. I had kind of a crappy location - tucked in a corner of Doherty's small gym (which lots of people don't even know exists). They didn't have good signage for the small gym either. But I made around $600 so that's cool. I presigned up for next year with a request of being in the main gym or cafeteria - so I can get more exposure. All in all it was a good experience, although tiring. Lots of peopling (which I'm not very good at, being an introvert). We're going to professionally scan some of my personal artwork and make prints of them for next time. And, I guess, for my Etsy shop too. I don't know how much that's going to cost or which paintings to do or if people will like them . . . ugh.

Mood wise I've been holding pretty steady. I have times where I'm meh, or irritable, or down, but it usually doesn't last long. So that's good. Stable is good. I keep waiting for the depression to come back but it hasn't yet. It's been over a month since my last ketamine treatment, fingers crossed I can go 3 months or longer. 

That's about it. I'm pretty boring right now. 

Thursday 12/1/22 Therapy

 It's already December and I'm not sure how I feel about that. 

I had therapy today. I thought it was going to be my last session with Mike and I was trying to prepare myself for such. Turns out he hasn't sold his house yet and is continuing to do therapy until he does so. So I see him again the beginning of January. To which I am grateful. I'm going to miss him so much when he retires and moves (to Pennsylvania). 

Anyway, it was a banger session. Talk centered around my mom and my childhood and my innate introvertedness. See, I'm shy. I'm an introvert. We were discussing if this is more "genetic" or environmental (most likely mostly environmental related to growing up in an alcoholic household). I don't necessarily want to be introverted. It would be nice to be able to talk with people freely, smoothly, without having to force it. I'm envious of people who can do that. So we talked at length about it and now I have homework (I don't like homework). Mike wants me to have a conversation with a coworker I don't know very well. So I can practice. Push me out of my comfort zone. I agreed to work on it. Working on it is the best I can do. 

I've been a mixed bag of emotions today. Mostly I've felt down and emotionally fragile. Volunteering was good and I felt better whilst doing it, even having a good conversation with one of the other volunteers (see, Mike? I can do it!). But I woke up feeling uneasy, anxious even. I know this is because I thought today was my last session with Mike. I even had a dream about it where Mike introduced me to my new therapist that would be replacing him. I didn't like it. Mike sensed my anxiety when I sat down. It got better throughout the session, and I'm not anxious now, but I still feel fragile - like I could cry at any moment, for any reason. Maybe I need to cry. I kind of feel as though I do. But I'm restraining myself. I don't know why. Maybe part of me is worried that if I do cry it'll lead to instability of mood. I have no idea really. I'm grasping at straws here. 

We were supposed to go out to dinner with my mom tonight. She called me around 11:30, drunk and sobbing because she had a headache and canceled dinner. I'm not going to lie - I was both relieved and angry about this. See, she has been hounding me via call, text, and email for several weeks wanting to go out for dinner. Finally settled on a day and time and restaurant and she cancels. Drunkinly cancels. I'll be honest - I didn't want to see her tonight. I don't want to see her ANY time, really. But bugging me constantly about going out and then canceling last minute just doesn't sit right with me. And, truth be told, if she had called me when she was sober to cancel, I wouldn't be angry. But she wasn't sober. She was drunk. She's always fucking drunk. It's another letdown in my life of being let down by her. It's frustrating. And there's nothing I can do about it. I'm trying not to let it mar my day. Talked about it in therapy, writing about it now, and then I'm going to forget it and move on. Look on the bright side - now I don't have to deal with her drunk self in person. 

I feel like I should leave you with a picture of a fox I painted. Why not?

Tuesday 11/8/22 Some Art

 I'm sitting here on the couch, not quite sure what to do with myself. I don't know how I want to fill my time today. Yesterday I painted quite a bit, uploaded a TON of paintings to my Etsy shop . . . today I'm just not feeling it. I'm not necessarily down, but I'm not great either. I'm meh. Blah. Indifferent. I don't like feeling like this. I'm as of yet undecided on whether I'll keep my ketamine booster appointment. I mean, I'm not depressed, just meh or down. I'm not sure that really qualifies me as needing the booster. I don't know. I'll give it another week and we'll see. 

Anyway, I've been painting quite a bit. Figured I'd share a few of them here.

This first one I titled "Anemone". Mostly just playing with color and shapes.

This second one is just swirls of color, kind of like what I would see during an infusion.

Cherry blossoms. I love cherry blossoms. 

Some daisies. 

This one is "Nautilus". Swirls of shapes and blues that I would see during an infusion.

This last one is "Sink". Some infusions I felt like I was floating. Others like I was sinking in sand or something. Always so much blue though. Blue was the predominant color I would see. Some purples and oranges and greens here and there, but mostly blues. 

There's quite a few more, plus all the dragon paintings (well, 4 dragon paintings). I've been busy. But I don't know if I want to paint today. We'll see. I don't know what I want to do today.
 

Wednesday 11/2/22 It's November, Y'all

 Wow. It's November already. That seems crazy to me. Time seems to be flying by. And it's been, what, 10 days since I last posted? Something like that. 

So I've finished my 6 initial treatments of ketamine, my last treatment being a week ago Monday. My last 2 infusions were intense, as Dr. Jeff used the max dose for my weight. Felt like I was lost inside my brain and wasn't going to be able to come down. Had to ground myself numerous times, remind myself that I was not lost, I was, indeed, in a cushy recliner and safe. They weren't scary or anxiety inducing, just intense. I have a booster scheduled for Nov. 22nd, if I need it. If not, I cancel. I'm really hoping I don't need it, buuuuut . . . .

. . . . I've been starting to feel a little down again. Having periods where I feel meh, then do okay, then feel down. Or I just feel meh or down. Now, I know I'm not going to feel happy all of the time. I'm going to experience a full range of emotions and that's okay - even the "bad" ones. But I definitely don't like it, feeling meh or down. It makes me worry that I'm going to be stuck needing boosters every month to feel normal, to feel okay. That scares me, to be honest. I just want to be stable and okay, not meh and down. I keep telling myself that it's okay if I need boosters - it's just like needing to take my medications. But I feel like this is different. Like I've failed somehow if I need continued boosters. I'm working on stopping this negative spiral of thinking because it's not going to do me any good. But also, the infusions are expensive - $275 each - and I don't want that to be an added expense, especially since we're still saving for our Japan trip. Ugh.

Today I was supposed to work but I was put on "standby" (meaning I can get called in at any time). I'm glad I'm not at work. I'm feeling down this morning and I don't want to be around people (everyone thinks I'm better, I'm "cured" of my depression, and I don't want to show them otherwise, let them down somehow - it's stupid that this is how my mind works). My bestie says I'm feeling this way because my brain IS stupid and doesn't know how to feel normal. Which could very much be true. At any rate, I'm down this morning and I just want to go back to sleep. 

I have therapy tomorrow and I think this session will truly be my last one with Mike. Which is a real bummer. If I'm feeling okay I think I can handle that. If I'm feeling like I am right now . . . not so much. Him retiring is a loss I'm going to have to grieve. And in this state I'm not sure I can handle that. Not that I have any choice in the matter.

Let's move on. Artwork wise I've been trying to capture what I've seen during my infusions. Most notably dragons and cherry blossoms. I've done several paintings, none of them quite up to snuff. I like the dragons I've drawn and am considering getting one of them tattooed on me. We'll see. I'll give it some time to mull over before I make a final decision. I've been trying to paint waves and have discovered that I just don't have the skill to adequately do so. Which is disappointing. But I'll keep trying. 

I really hope I don't get called in today. Fingers crossed.