Monday 7/28/25 Two months, damn

 It's been over 2 months, actually. Kind of crazy. And just goes to show that I have nothing to really write about. In the past, the more depressed I was, the more I was struggling, the more I would write. And now . . . well, now I'm doing so well. Writing about regular life seems so mundane, so boring. Because it kind of is. Like, we went to Japan again - and that was AWESOME - but there's not much else going on. I'm trying to work out consistently, eat healthier, do yoga (which I truly do love), and keep stress levels down.

My son, who you may or may not remember came out as trans, is not yet transitioning. Some days he dresses a little more femininely, some days more masculine, but he's the same kid regardless. He's working pretty much full time, saving money for - get this - school in Japan. He's going to go to Pikes Peak State College for a year or two and then he hopes to transfer to a university in Osaka, Japan. This came as a shock to hubs and I, but I mean, if he really wants it then more power to him. Might as well do it while you're young and without a ton of obligations. 

Other than that everything is status quo. Work is work. I was actually supposed to work today but was put on stand by (and have yet to be called off or called in). So I'm just chilling. Worked out, read a bit, going to maybe draw some . . . boring stuff. But, boring is good. Because it means I'm doing good. No news is good news, right?

Tuesday 5/13/25 Been a bit again

 It's been 2 months since I last wrote. Surprisingly, not much has happened in the last 2 months. 

My son got a job, and sometimes he wears makeup to work. It's getting less weird to see him in makeup. We're still using male pronouns for now though I think this will change in the near future. I think that when we get back from vacation he's going to see a doctor and start hormone therapy. And I think when we start seeing changes in him that it will be a little more difficult to deal with. Because right now everything is status quo except for the occasional makeup wearing. It's easy to forget that he's transgender. But with hormone therapy that will change. And I see myself struggling with this a little more (as well as my hubby). But, time will tell.

We leave next week for Japan, the day after son graduates. That's another weird thing - he's graduating high school. It's crazy. He's a literal adult now. And I'm proud of him. He's such a good kid. We'll have his graduation party when we get back from Japan (I'm hoping people actually come - most of family lives out of town). 

So yeah. Big trip, second time to Japan. It'll be so nice to get away and not worry about work or normal day to day things. We have a lot planned, including a trip to Mount Fuji (which we didn't get to see last time). Go karts in the streets of Osaka, the World Fair, a sumo dinner experience . . . it'll be fun. And probably exhausting. But that's okay. 

I don't really have much else to report on right now. Maybe, when we get back, I can figure out how to post photos on here since as of right now that function isn't working. We'll see.  

Friday 8/23/24 Iced Coffee

 Iced coffee is the bomb diggity. I'm drinking some right now. I will almost never say no to an iced coffee - even in winter. 

Anyway, I am sore. I started lifting weights again this week and I probably did too much too soon. I haven't lifted weights in a long time (6, 7 months?) and I think I pushed myself a little too hard. I'm paying for it now. Oh well. I need to be consistently working out, and I need to be lifting weights. But I'll go a little easier on myself next week. I have, however, lost 30 pounds, which I'm pretty happy with. In a perfect world I'd lose another 20, but I'm getting tired of the constant nausea from the semaglutide. I'm not sure how much longer I'll stay on it.

I've found myself feeling blah lately. Not down or anything, just blah. No motivation, no inspiration, just a bump on a pickle. I don't like feeling this way but I can't seem to snap myself out of it. I don't know what I need. I know work isn't helping with this. I feel so exhausted on my days off that I don't accomplish much. We're short staffed every. Single. Day. And I'm fucking over it. And I'm charge. Every. Single. Shift. And I'm over that, too. I work this weekend and I'm  - surprise! - charge. And all next week too. I think the following week I start to do charge less. Thank god. But it's been miserable. Being constantly busy and constantly short staffed and constantly working my ass off. 

In other news, we booked our flights to Japan for next year. Very exciting stuff. This time we're flying straight from Denver to Tokyo - no layovers like last time, which will be nice. Last year we flew out of the Colorado Springs airport so we had to stop in Las Vegas before continuing on to LA, and then LA to Tokyo. On the way back was Tokyo to LA, LA to Phoenix, and Phoenix to Colorado Springs. Too many stops and chances of delayed flights (which Phoenix to Colorado Springs was delayed 3 hours). So yeah. This will be much nicer. Now we need to figure out our itinerary so we can book hotels. 

That's it for now.

Monday 5/13/24 Been a minute

 It's been a little bit since I last wrote. I'm at the end of having 8 days off in a row (it would have been 6 days but I had to call in sick one day, so 8). It's been nice. Really nice. Except for today I'm doing a bowel prep for a colonoscopy tomorrow morning. So much fun. So much. This is my first colonoscopy, just a routine one, because I'm the magical age of 45 and my doc wants me to have one. I have to drink the second half of my prep at 11pm tonight so I will literally be up all night pooping. Oy vey. Oh well, it'll be over soon. 

There really isn't anything much going on. I got a new truck - a 2017 Toyota Tacoma TRD Off Road. I love it. Her name is Betty. We traded in my 2009 Tacoma (Walter). It was time for an upgrade and Betty is fancy with all the bells and whistles. Walter was really starting to show his age (I think hubby thought he was ugly). And Betty only has 39,000 miles (Walter had 176,000). So that's fun!

We've been getting more into talking about our next trip to Japan, which is tentatively scheduled for next May/June. Going the same time of year as our first trip so it doesn't mess up school for Ayden (though I would prefer to go in October to see the fall colors). Only thing, we plan on staying in Osaka most of the time and in 2025 it's the World's Fair so it will probably be busier and more expensive. Don't know how that's going to work. We're debating on using a travel agent again to plan. I think that we should, just to be on the safe side with booking hotels, etc. (I'd have more peace of mind), but it does cost more money. I'd rather spend the extra though and not have any loose ends. We'll see. We're trying to figure out everything we want to do and see. We only spent 2 days in Osaka last time, hence spending more time there this time. There is a village north east of Tokyo (I think) that has tons of foxes and I would absolutely LOVE to visit it and see them. But it's quite a bit out of the way so I don't know if it will be feasible. We'll have to do more research. And we'll spend a day in Nara again to play with the deer (because I love them). Other than that everything is up in the air right now. 

On the weight loss front I'm still losing about 2 pounds a week. Which I keep telling myself is healthy, sustainable weight loss (I really wanted more dramatic results though). I just need to keep it up. I'll get there. I'm starting to see results in my tummy area, which is nice to actually see the change on me - not just the scale.

Anyway, that's it I guess.

Thursday 7/6/23 No, still no Japan pics

 It's been almost a month since my last post and I still haven't loaded any pics from Japan on my computer. I will at some point - I promise. 

Nothing much is going on. I think I'm coming out of my art block. I ordered myself some watercolor sketchbooks and I've been putting them to good use. Just sketching silly or cute things. Nothing "serious". Just having fun and it's helped. I'm feeling the creative itch again. I have ideas for paintings I want to do, so that's good. I even have 2 paintings sketched out. Go me!

Otherwise, there isn't much going on. Work is work. I was sick last week. My mood has been stable. That's about it. Maybe I'll have something more interesting soon. Like when I upload Japan pics. Or some of my sketches. Right now I'm boring. Sorry. I'm also cranky today, so there's that. 

Okay bye. 

Tuesday 6/13/23 Back from Japan

 It's been almost a month since I last wrote. Wow. Time flies . . .

The big news is that we're back from Japan. We got in late Saturday night (just before midnight). We had almost 24 hours of travel time with flights and layovers. We were exhausted and went straight to bed (and were exhausted enough to actually get a little bit of sleep - something I've lacked the past 2 nights). Sunday morning before we left to pick Moya (our dog) up from the pet sitter's we discovered that our pipes had backed up downstairs (both in the bathroom and utility room). Joy. Poop water everywhere. So whilst driving to get Moya we had to find an emergency plumber to come out to the house (which one did and a quick snaking of our pipes fixed the problem - apparently not flushing your toilets for over 2 weeks can cause this). Sunday was a long day. We had to grocery shop as we had no food in the house, which took way longer than it should have. Mainly because we spent almost 2 hours at Costco trying out and then purchasing a fancy massage chair (man I wish we had the chair already - 4-6 weeks). It was just a long day with jet lag. 

Yesterday we ran errands and otherwise did not really relax. Sunday night into Monday I got maybe 3 hours of sleep and last night I got around 2 hours. My body is still on Japan time and I couldn't fall asleep last night. And I got up 5 times in 3 hours to pee. I don't know what the hell my body is thinking. It's confused as hell. I go back to work tomorrow but I don't know how I'm going to function if I don't get any sleep. 

Anyway. The trip. It was amazing. Beautiful. Inspiring. Exhausting. We saw so many things and  did so much stuff. We were constantly go, go, go. Soooooo much walking. So much food! I wasn't as adventurous in my food experimentation as Jeremy was - he tried everything. Including a whole octopus and sea urchin. (Gross) I'd have to say my favorite food was okonomiyaki. It's a Japanese type pancake made with cabbage, eggs, protein of your choice (I had chicken), and covered in mayonnaise and Worcestershire sauce that has been thickened. Soooo freaking good. Takoyaki was tasty as well (fried octopus balls). We tried so many different things and ate what we wanted when we wanted. Surprisingly I didn't gain any weight (I ended up losing a pound - thanks walking!). 

We started in Tokyo, then spent 2 days in Osaka, 5 in Kyoto, and then back to Tokyo. While in Kyoto we took day trips to both Nara and Hiroshima. I have to say, Nara was my favorite. Why? Deer. Deer everywhere. Tame-ish deer whom you could feed. And they would bow for crackers. And they were so gentle taking the crackers from you. I love them! Kyoto was mostly temples and shrines, the bamboo forest, and a traditional tea ceremony which was very cool (I even got supplies to make my own traditional matcha tea). In Osaka we were mainly in the Dotonbori area which is food, food, and more food. Tokyo we were everywhere. Went to Team Labs which is an interactive, digital art experience. It's similar to MeowWolf but more relaxed and calming, less stimulating. We used public transport a LOT. Mostly trains and subways in Tokyo and other cities, taxis in Kyoto. And, well, lots of walking. It was very tiring and very awesome. 

I need to upload photos onto the computer and then I can post some here. It's going to be difficult to pick which ones to post (I took SO MANY pictures), but I'll try and post some from each place we went. Eventually I'll get to it. Right now I'm too tired to really think straight.

 

Tuesday 5/16/23 Anniversary

 Well hello there. Not much going on here. It has still been rather boring as of late. Nothing exciting to report. Although, tomorrow is our 20th wedding anniversary. Twenty years of marriage!!! (We've been together for 23 years) It's pretty amazing how fast time goes by. I, of course, work tomorrow, so we won't be doing anything really to celebrate. Our celebration is our trip to Japan (we leave a week from Thursday). It's crazy though . . . 20 years. And I love him more than when I married him, if that's even possible. 

Speaking of our Japan trip, I can't believe we leave next week! It's crept up on me. It doesn't feel real, like it's still months away. But nope! It's next week! I think we have all of our ducks in a row. I hope so. Still have to go to the post office and put our mail on hold until we get back . . . I plan on doing that on Thursday. I'm soooooo not looking forward to the 14 hour plane ride from LA to Tokyo. That is going to be brutal. Just brutal. But it'll be worth it, I'm sure. 

As far as my mood goes, I'm good. Stable, mostly happy, normal range of emotions. It's stellar. I'm worried about becoming hypomanic in Japan because of a screwed up sleep cycle and all of the stimulation. I think I'll be okay, but I still worry. I see my psychiatrist today so I'll chat with him about it. Otherwise, all is good. All is status quo. All is boring, quite honestly. Which, compared to the alternative, isn't such a bad thing. 

I don't plan on writing again until I get back from Japan - so 3-4 weeks from now. Maybe I'll even share some photos :) 

Thursday 5/4/23 Another 2 Weeks

 Well, another 2 weeks has gone by and I have nothing spectacular to report. I guess the big news is that I'm still stable, still doing well, and feeling "normal" (whatever that is). Which is wonderful, really. I had therapy 2 weeks ago and I don't see Becky again until after our trip to Japan. And I don't feel like I need to see her before that. Which is an amazing feeling. It's so weird to be stable again, but here I am. I'll just roll with it.

Speaking of the Japan trip . . . we leave on May 25th. Three weeks. OMG. It's come up so quickly! It's always felt so far off in the future and now it's just around the corner. We're only bringing carry on bags plus a personal bag each (we plan on doing laundry while there), so the other day I practice packed my suitcase to see what all I could fit in there - I want to be prepared! I could fit a whole lot more than I thought I was going to be able to fit in there. So that's awesome. I'm nervous about jet lag and how that's going to affect my mood. And I need to talk to Dr. M about when I should take my meds (I normally take them before bed, but with the 15ish hour time change I don't know if I should keep taking them on the same schedule which would mean taking them around lunch time, or if I should still take them before bed - I don't know!!). My mood is what worries me most (besides Moya, but I know she'll be in good hands). I guess we'll see how it goes and try to roll with it. 

That's really about it. Work has been work - but not bad - just work. Yeah. Can't really think of anything else. 

Okay bye. 

Thursday 4/20/23 Another long stretch

 Wow. It's been another long stretch since I've posted. There's a reason for this: I'm doing okay. I'm stable. I'm not depressed. Everything is status quo. I'm a normal functioning adult. Which is weird. Like, really weird. But I'm okay with it. I am. Or, at least, I'm trying to be. (Weird statement. I know. It's just that I'm so used to not being okay that being okay is completely different and a little scary).

I had therapy today and kind of hijacked it. Maybe a lot hijacked it. Because we didn't do much parts work - it was more talk therapy (like what I would do with Mike). But I felt it was a good session. We focused on mainly anxiety surrounding our trip to Japan. Because I'm super anxious about it. I woke up Tuesday morning at 2am and couldn't go back to sleep because my brain was coming up with every scenario possible of what could go wrong on the trip. So much fun. So Becky and I talked about it. She tried to reign me in and work some parts talk in, focusing on my anxious part, my creative part, etc. All in all though, it was a good session. I feel a little better about it. Maybe. 

There hasn't been much of anything else going on. I'm tired today, I have a headache. I've had a headache pretty much every day this week and last weekend. Not really digging it. I may just take a nap. We'll see. 

We found a gentleman to watch Moya while we're in Japan. Which is good because what to do with Moya has been a HUGE area of stress for me. I took her to a local kennel for a trial run last week. She apparently did great but I cried the whole way home after dropping her off because I was so worried and felt so bad. I really don't want her to be in a kennel for 2.5 weeks while we're gone. So we looked on Rover (a pet sitting website) and found a guy named Drew who happens to be a dog trainer. We met with him on Monday (with Moya, of course) and he really put me at ease. He's laid back and chill, good with dogs, and Moya seemed to get along well with his dog Echo. So Drew will be watching Moya while we're gone. I feel much better about this than leaving her in a kennel. Don't get me wrong - I'm still going to worry about her - but I know she'll be well cared for while we're away. *huge sigh of relief*

Anyway, that's all I got. I'm stable. I'm doing good. Moya is taken care of. Now I just have the rest of the Japan trip to worry about!

Tuesday 1/3/22 Happy New Year

 I guess. 

Well, it's 2023. A new year is upon us. I guess it's time for new year's resolutions and whatnot, right? I'm not really big on resolutions, but I did make one for this year - I want to get in better shape so I'm not having difficulties walking around Japan in May/June. See, most of our transportation in Japan will be walking. I mean, we'll take the bullet train between cities, but mostly we'll be walking. A lot. People on a forum for Japan travelers averaged above 20,000 steps per day. I'm not used to that much walking. I'm out of shape. As of right now, I don't think my hips can take it. So I'm going to work to get my ass in shape. Which will be good for weight loss (duh) as I'd like to lose another 40-50 pounds. 

I started yesterday. Did legs at the gym. And boy are my legs sore today! Today (so far), I've done a wall Pilates session, and I plan on getting on my spin bike this afternoon. I also started a hypnotherapy program to help stop binge and emotional eating. I've done the first two sessions and we'll see I suppose. I don't feel as though I'm being "hypnotized", I just feel relaxed during the sessions. On the company's Facebook page people talk about falling asleep during the sessions. I definitely don't do that. Just feel relaxed. I'm hoping I still benefit from the sessions though (I've been binging and eating junk food like nobody's business the past two months. Ugh). 

As far as my mood has been . . . I've been okay, I guess. Mostly meh. Blah. Indifferent. I have periods where I feel better, but also periods where I feel down. But mostly I'm stuck at meh. No motivation or drive to do anything (which makes me worry about the whole exercising thing). I haven't painted or drawn anything in about 2 weeks. No inspiration, no motivation. So why bother? I have drawings that need to be painted, I just don't care to. Which really kind of sucks because normally art makes me happy. I just . . . don't have it in me right now. Hopefully that will change.

I have therapy this Thursday. I don't get to actually see Mike in person though - it'll be through Zoom. He had a medical procedure done that he hasn't quite healed from, so, Zoom. I'd much rather see him in person. Especially, again, since I'm worried about this being our last session. I worry about this with every session I have, but this time I'm especially worried. It's been 5 weeks since our last session and a lot of stuff has happened. I've been emotionally fragile because of all of this and I'm not sure I can handle this being our last session (the emotionally fragile thing sucks - I tear up at random things, almost crying over a commercial or something). I guess we'll see.

First though, I have to get through tomorrow. Tomorrow I work and it's going to be stupid busy. Three scheduled c-sections before 11am. And 5 or more inductions. My backup is Amy and God love her she is so slow. And there is no one else scheduled tomorrow who can do nursery. I'm worried she may call in sick and it will be just me. Like, losing sleep over it, worried. I feel so burned out at work I don't want to go anymore. I honestly considered using an FMLA day tomorrow until I saw that there was no one else who can do nursery. I can't leave someone hanging like that - I'd feel too guilty. I know how shitty it is to be nursery without any backup. It sucks. So I'm praying that Amy doesn't call in sick. I'm trying to plan out our morning in my head so that I'm prepared and don't start the day off in a bad mood. This is so stupid. I shouldn't have to do this. 

I guess that's enough bitching for today. I'm praying that tomorrow goes smoothly, that Thursday isn't my last session with Mike, and that I get my butt in gear and in shape.  

Friday 12/9/22 Stuff and things

 Well, it's Friday. Nothing special about it.

I've managed to get two good workouts in this week, plus walking yesterday volunteering. It's a start. I downloaded a workout app that I "committed" to using at least twice a week. It has hundreds (if not thousands) of different workouts to choose from - Tuesday and today I did total body workouts (today was more of a HIIT workout, Tuesday was more strength focused). I was sore after Tuesday, and my legs are jello today. I'm hoping I can continue to be consistent and work out regularly. I really need to get in shape in general, but especially in time for our Japan trip - we're going to be walking a LOT the two weeks we're there! I don't want to be struggling to get around or totally exhausted. I've got a little over 5 months to get in shape. I can do it!

I did my first craft fair last weekend (the 3rd and 4th). I sold more than I thought I was going to sell, so that's good. I had kind of a crappy location - tucked in a corner of Doherty's small gym (which lots of people don't even know exists). They didn't have good signage for the small gym either. But I made around $600 so that's cool. I presigned up for next year with a request of being in the main gym or cafeteria - so I can get more exposure. All in all it was a good experience, although tiring. Lots of peopling (which I'm not very good at, being an introvert). We're going to professionally scan some of my personal artwork and make prints of them for next time. And, I guess, for my Etsy shop too. I don't know how much that's going to cost or which paintings to do or if people will like them . . . ugh.

Mood wise I've been holding pretty steady. I have times where I'm meh, or irritable, or down, but it usually doesn't last long. So that's good. Stable is good. I keep waiting for the depression to come back but it hasn't yet. It's been over a month since my last ketamine treatment, fingers crossed I can go 3 months or longer. 

That's about it. I'm pretty boring right now. 

Wednesday 11/23/22 Tomorrow is Thanksgiving

 Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and that's pretty crazy. November has gone by so quickly. Soon it will be Christmas and not too long after that - Japan (well, 5 months after, still that's not too long). 

We're not doing much for Thanksgiving, going to my mother-in-law's house. Brother-in-law will be there too (of course he will be - they live together). We're bringing green beans and dessert - a pumpkin cheesecake (don't go thinking I'm all fancy baking and whatnot - we got it at Costco). A very low key evening. 

What am I not doing this Thanksgiving? Seeing my mom. For which I am grateful. I don't want to. I don't feel like being angry and annoyed and embarrassed all day. Who would? Sadly, we're apparently seeing her the week after (bummer). She wants to get together and go out for dinner with my brother and his wife. As of yet we haven't decided on a day. Maybe she'll forget about it and we won't have to see her (fingers crossed). I know. I know that's a horrible thing to think. I'm well aware of that and it fills me with guilt. But every time we get together she's drunk (doesn't matter what time of day it is) and I feel like the little girl I used to be - angry, ashamed, abandoned, embarrassed. I hate it. I hate it. Which is why I don't even want to talk to my mom, let alone see her. 

But I digress. 

I weighed myself this morning and I lost almost 2 pounds this week. I've worked out every day so far and I'm having tea at night instead of dessert. Go me! I started doing yoga on Monday. I downloaded an app that customized a beginner's yoga program for me. I'm enjoying it so far. Each session is around 15-20 minutes long. I'm going to try my best to get up early on the days I work and do it too. We'll see how that works out (because I like my sleep). 

I've seen the chiropractor twice in the past week for some lower back pain. The pain has been going on for about 5 weeks - right over my right kidney. At first I truly thought that maybe I had kidney stones, except I don't have burning or blood tinged urine. So I've been stretching, icing, chiropractor . . . it still hurts. Finally decided to call the doctor and the earliest I can get in is December 14th. Which, let's be honest, is dumb. They told me if I get any other symptoms to go to an urgent care. Hopefully I won't need to do that. 

Not this weekend, but next weekend is my first craft fair. I'm excited/nervous about it. Kind of dreading it almost. What if I don't sell anything? That'll be a hit to my ego. And it will be a loooooong weekend. I work Friday and Monday, craft fair Saturday and Sunday. No down time (the fair is from 9-4). I'll have to go get everything set up after work on Friday night. Ugh. Not looking forward to that. Oh well, it'll be an experience. 

That's about it, I guess. Everything that's going on. So much fun.

Saturday 10/22/22 Stuff and Things

 Been a bit since I last posted! There hasn't been a ton going on, really. I've had five ketamine infusions so far - my 6th and final infusion is Monday. My 5th infusion (this past Thursday), was intense. The doc went up on the dose and boy could I tell a difference. I felt lost inside my own head. Momentarily thought maybe I wouldn't come back down. It wasn't scary, it was just intense. And I could see how someone might feel scared or anxious because of it. I was able to keep myself grounded enough though, kept reminding myself that I was safe, sitting in a comfy recliner. It took a bit longer to wear off, too. When I left the clinic I felt tipsy still (obviously I wasn't driving - my hubby was). 

So how have these infusions been treating me? Pretty good, actually. I'm feeling like myself again, which is amazing. I'm not happy all the time - don't get me wrong - but I'm feeling emotions. I have a range of emotions instead of feeling either depressed or nothing. I still have "blah" moments but hey, who doesn't? I'm better able to handle myself at work, I'm more quick to smile and laugh, I'm not getting overwhelmed. This is all pretty darn amazing! I'm just hoping these results last. Dr. Jeff (the anesthesiologist who runs the infusions) said that some people need a booster infusion once a month, others have gone a year before needing a booster - everyone is different. I'm really hoping I don't need to have one monthly (mainly because of the cost - each infusion is $275). And I mean, it would just be cool to be able to go longer. The important thing is that it works. It's helped me. That's HUGE. 

In other news, we're actively planning our trip to Japan. It's looking like we'll be there May 25th through June 10th. Craziness! We have a travel agent who is helping set up our itinerary, flights, hotels, etc. It makes me realize that yes, indeed, this is happening. Which, honestly, is a little scary. And exciting. But still scary. The highlight of the trip for me will be visiting Nara and seeing all the bowing deer. Seriously - the deer bow to you to be fed! I can't wait for that! I love deer! In addition, we'll be staying in Tokyo, Kyoto, and Osaka. It will be a whirlwind trip, lots to see and do. 

I've been painting here and there, not terribly frequently, but when I feel like it. I desperately need to update my Etsy shop, which I plan on doing on Monday and Wednesday this week. I have paintings I need to scan and post. Quite a few. I've been neglecting it. Oh well. I'll get there.  

Thursday 11/11/21 Ugh

 I'm really getting sick of my lack of motivation. Today is my 4th day off in a row (lucky me, right?) and I haven't accomplished anything! I made a sock rat yesterday and did laundry. Woohoo. Go me. Otherwise I've done nothing. It's frustrating. I need to suck it up and force myself to do stuff but it seems I just can't. I go downstairs to my office and sit and stare and do nothing. I have no inspiration for artwork and I can't bring myself to sew. I have a sink full of dirty dishes that sits there, mocking me. I need to dust and clean the bathrooms. But I don't. I have a drawing of a fox I need to paint. But I don't. I have the pattern pieces cut out for a soul sucker, I just need to sew it. But I don't. I can't stand this. 

I'm feeling more depressed again today. I don't want to use that word. Depressed. But it is what it is. I could say I'm feeling down, but that doesn't quite cover the apathy and the fatigue and the brain fog. I think I'm heading into another episode. I don't want to jump the gun saying this. I don't want to catastrophize or overthink this. But I can't deny that overall I'm feeling more melancholy. My thoughts are straying more and more towards the dark. I'm not finding the joy in little things. I'm not feeling happy or content. I'm feeling lost. I feel like I'm starting to struggle to keep my head above water. For a while - a long while - I was on the pier, my toes just brushing the water. But I've fallen in and I'm struggling to stay afloat. I'm not just gently treading water - oh no. And while I may not be violently thrashing about, quickly losing my air, I am struggling. I'm working hard. I'm looking for a life vest. I need something to hold on to. 

Work, I know, is a big contributor to how I'm feeling right now. Because I'm burnt out and overwhelmed. Because if we're not crazy busy we're floating to other units. And because the higher ups don't seem to care. Nobody does. I got a text last night asking for nurses to come to work today. So we're either really busy or there were several sick calls - or both. I work the next 3 days so I declined. Working four 12 hour shifts in a row is not good for my mental health. And I felt so freaking guilty for not going in today. The guilt eats away at me. But I know I would be worse off if I had gone in. It's a catch 22. Work and be miserable, don't work and be miserable. I have to opt for what will make me the least miserable. And today it was not working. 

And there's something else bothering me. Something that's so remote and so, honestly, stupid that I don't even want to write about it. But I'm going to. Because I need to. Here goes. We're planning a trip to Japan in a couple of years. My son desperately wants to go. He adores Japanese culture and is hooked on anime and manga. So hubby and I decided we would take him there hopefully for his 16th birthday. And, quite honestly, I'm terrified of this trip. I'm terrified of everything about it. The ridiculously long flight, the jet lag, the culture shock, the language barrier, the food . . . everything. It seems so daunting and scary and hard. I keep reminding myself that I can do hard things . . . but this seems like it's too much for me to handle. It's the trip of a lifetime and I'd almost rather not go. Because not going would be easier. Because not going is less scary. I hate this. I try my best to not even think about the trip, but the seed is there, in the back of my mind, festering. I'm sure this is contributing to my overwhelm. As stupid as it seems. 

I also feel like I'm in a major rut with life in general. I don't really do anything. We used to have friends over for games and dinners all the time. We'd go out with friends and do things. And now . . . we don't. The friends we used to hang with abandoned us when I was at my worst. The friends I have now, my two good friends, well, we don't really do anything. Get coffee every once in awhile, but that's it. We see each other at work and text each other . . . but that's all we do. And it kinda sucks. Hubby has some friends from church, but not ones we do anything with. It just feels like I should be doing more. And I'm not. 

And on top of all this - the icing on the cake - is that recently I haven't been enjoying my art or sewing. It feels stagnant. It feels not good enough. It feels forced. Imposter syndrome maybe. They say all artists have it to some extent. Well, count me in. Which is probably one of the reasons I have no motivation to create. I don't feel that my stuff is good enough. So why bother? 

Oh, and while I'm at this long drawn out dump of everything bothering me, I might as well talk about my weight. Overall I've lost 22 pounds. Something to be proud of, right? Well, I'm not. Because I fell off the wagon. I've all but given up. I have no motivation to workout. I'm finding it difficult to count and follow my macros. And I hate myself for this. I've dusted myself off. I'm trying again. But my overall apathy makes it hard to get anything done. I need to lose more weight. For my health. For my sanity. I weigh 218 pounds and I want to at least get down to 180. That's a LOT more weight to lose. And it seems daunting and impossible to do. And I beat myself up every chance I get. If I have a treat or a snack. If I don't workout. If I eat something unhealthy. You think it would motivate me. But no, it stagnates me. I feel worse, so I eat worse. I feel worse, so I don't work out because I don't think I deserve it. 

This post sucks. I need to change my mindset for the better. I need to flood myself with positivity. I need to eat healthy and workout. I need to take time off from work. I need to do something. I'll get there. Eventually. I always do. One foot in front of the other. Right? Right.