Friday 9/8/23 Ketamine

 

I drew this yesterday. And this - me hating people - is why I had a ketamine infusion today. 

See, I've been very angry as of late. About everything. Like, literally everything. My sock slightly twisted? Angry. Work? Angry. I have to pee? AGAIN?? Angry. Life in general? Angry. And I've been feeling more melancholy as well. Not all the time - but more frequently. This is usually the first sign of a depressive episode coming on for me. Anger and melancholy. The anger isn't as common as the melancholy, but it's definitely a signal I need to pay attention to. So I did. And had a ketamine infusion to nip the depression in the butt (my therapist will be proud of me - she suggested I have an infusion at our last session). 

Today's infusion was relaxing and random. Lots of purples and dark blues. At one point it felt like I was laying on the forest floor, looking up at the stars. The next moment I was watching polar bears run and wondering if "walrus" was a real word (I saw walruses as well). It still feels like a strange word to me. The infusions are so hard to describe because everything is swirling and moving and flowing and changing form one minute to the next. There's no real sense of self or time. The meditation music I listen to feels alive and pulses with the colors and shapes. Everything is very abstract and fluid. Sometimes I feel as though I'm in a small and comforting place. Other times in vast expanses with no end in sight. But the whole experience is warm and calm and relaxing and invokes wonder and awe. 

Let's be honest though - I was trippin' balls, y'all. Just in a safe and legal way. I don't really understand how ketamine helps depression (I'm not sure science quite understands it), but it helps and is another tool at my disposal. So I'll use it. Hopefully I'll be a little more compassionate and empathetic and a little less angry. One can hope.

Tuesday 2/28/23 Almost March

 Tomorrow is March y'all. That's crazy. My son will be 16 on the 8th - which is also crazy. Time flies . . .

I feel like I need to write. I always feel like I need to write when I'm feeling crappy. Somehow, writing helps, even if only a tiny bit. I've just been consistently not doing good. I'm still down. Hell, let's call it what it is - depressed. I've been depressed. I'm having a hard time accomplishing anything other than basic tasks. I shower, I eat, I do laundry. I go to work and struggle to get by. I have no motivation or drive for anything. I'm having a hard time concentrating enough again to even read. I hate this. I don't know what to do. I'm seeing my new therapist every other week, taking my meds like a good girl, trying to exercise at least twice a week, trying to eat better, trying to stay positive (which is all fake and extremely difficult to do), and trying to socialize with people while at work and not be a complete downer. 

But I am a complete downer. I'm not any fun to be around right now. My mood is low. I'm sluggish. I'm not connecting with people. I'm struggling. I'm so burnt out at work. I dread going. And I don't know what to do about that. I've been in the birth center for almost 14 years and I've always loved my job. But now . . . I'm burnt out. I don't want to go. But I'm not sure I can leave (well, right now I can't leave as I had signed a 2 year contract for a bonus). And if I left, what would I do? Where would I go? I have a feeling that no matter what I do I'll be miserable because in general right now I'm miserable. So what would be the point? I might as well stay where I know my job and the people I work with. I don't know if I dread work because I'm depressed in general or if work is a major contributor to feeling depressed. Maybe it's both. Who knows. The only other area of nursing I'm interested in is psych and everyone agrees that that's probably a bad idea for me. And inpatient psych . . . yeah. Probably wouldn't be rewarding. It's treat the crisis and ship them out. And people in crisis can be nasty to others. How would dealing with that make me feel?

Ugh.

So I have no clue as to what to do. I can have another ketamine infusion in March if I want (boosters are once a month). I felt amazing after my last one but that feeling quickly faded. So I'm worried the same thing will happen again. Maybe I should go anyway. I don't know. I feel lost and sad and a little scared. And I'm so freaking tired of feeling this way. Why can't I have some toned down, euphoric hypomania? Just a little bit. Just for a little while. Is that too much to ask?

I did a painting titled "Emerge". It's kind of, trying to emerge from the darkness that is depression. Except instead of a person I drew a fox. I mean, why not?

Here it is. I like it, I guess. It came out how I envisioned it, so that's good. The problem, though, is that I'm not emerging from the darkness. I'm enveloped in it. I'm stuck. And I hate that.

Thursday 2/9/23 A New Beginning

 A lot happened this week. I took my first intermittent FMLA day on Tuesday, I had another ketamine infusion yesterday, and I saw my new therapist today. Quite a bit if you ask me. 

I worked this past Sunday and had a really rough go of it. I was even disassociating, and people noticed. So I felt it was best if I had an extra day off and called in sick on Tuesday (which gives me the whole week off because I don't work again until Saturday). I felt bad calling in, but I have the FMLA for exactly this reason so I might as well use it. 

Yesterday was another ketamine infusion. My last one (2 weeks ago) was less than helpful. It was dark and heavy and overbearing and I felt anxious. Yesterday, though, was the complete opposite. It was light and airy and and colorful and comforting like a big marshmallow hug. I felt calm and warm and joyful. I left feeling hopeful. I still feel hopeful, which is wonderful. My mood was immediately lifted and I went from feeling depressed to feeling pretty okay. 

And today. Today I saw my new therapist for the first time. Her name is Becky and she's super nice. She does things quite a bit differently than Mike does, which will hopefully be a good thing. A new perspective, you know? A fresh set of eyes. I didn't know what to expect going in today. I was keeping an open mind. She had me talk about my last session with Mike which brought up tears. I wasn't expecting that, honestly. For it to still be so raw and painful. But that's grief for ya. Rears its ugly head whenever it pleases. We made a game plan of what we're going to tackle and she wants to see me every other week for a bit so we can start to build a relationship. I think this will be good for me. I ordered a book she had in her office, No Bad Parts, by Richard Schwartz. She trained under Dr. Schwartz, apparently, and uses his theory in her practice. So hey - why not read up on it?

Wow. I don't really have much more to write. I thought there would be more, I really did. Maybe that's a good thing? 

Thursday 1/26/23 The End of an Era

 I'm having a rough go of it today. Today truly is the end of an era. Today I had to say goodbye to my therapist, Mike. I knew this day was coming (he told me about his retirement in what? July? August?), but that didn't make today any easier. In fact, it's been hard as hell. I can't stop crying. It's hard to say goodbye to someone that you love. And I did love Mike. Hell, still do of course. It's just . . . now I don't get to see him anymore. He's been with me through everything. All my ups and downs (my WAY ups and my WAY downs). He's played a pivotal role in my healing over these past 10 years. It's crazy to think that I've been seeing him for 10 years. Sometimes every week. Sometimes monthly. Sometimes we'd skip 6 or 8 months. But he was always there for me, only a phone call or text away. And now . . . he's not. I didn't think it was going to hit me this hard. I didn't think that I would be crying so hard that I would hyperventilate and almost pass out. My eyes are swollen and wet (thank god for water proof mascara), they sting. I have a headache from the crying. I've been feeling emotionally fragile and now I'm just shattered. I don't know how I'm going to put the pieces together again. Sounds almost comical - I mean, it's not like I lost my husband. Mike was my therapist. But he was also a friend and a father figure for me. He's seen me at my worst and at my best. He's been my biggest cheerleader besides my husband. And I don't get to see him anymore. I'm crushed.

He didn't leave me empty handed - he's having a colleague, a lady named Becky, take over for him. I'm glad he hand picked a new therapist for me, that he knows her and likes her. That helps. But I have to start over from scratch. I have to build a new therapeutic relationship with a stranger and that's daunting. I'm starting fresh and that's scary. Jeremy has told me many times that maybe this will be a good thing, a new set of eyes, a fresh perspective. And he could be right. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm scared and grieving. 

At the end of our session today is when we talked about him retiring. I was close to tears the whole time, knowing this was coming, and then we had to bring it out in the open. I held it together in front of him. Well, kind of. I started to cry and we hugged. I lost it when I got out to my truck. I cried so hard it hurt. I cried the whole way home and I haven't really stopped. I'll be okay for a few minutes and then the tears start up again. How long is this going to hurt? Why does it have to hurt so bad?

In other news, I had my first ketamine booster infusion yesterday. It was intense - probably the most intense one I have had (and we went down in the dose). Dr. Jeff told me it would be more intense because I haven't had an infusion since October. He wasn't lying. I'm worried that having to grieve a profound loss will cancel out any positive benefits of the booster. I guess if that's the case I'll have to have a booster next month. I don't really want to but if I must, I must. 

I guess that's it then. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel utterly directionless. Lost. And profoundly sad. 

Monday 1/9/23 It's Monday

 Hooray. It's Monday. Such excitement. Much joy. Many sarcasm. 

Another week has gone by, a week filled with nothing special, really. I'm stuck in the doldrums. A little melancholy, very much meh or blah. I'm mostly just kind of . . . here. Existing. Carrying on, going through the motions, but not getting much done. I haven't drawn or painted in almost a month now. I'd like to, I just can't seem to do it. I have no inspiration or motivation, no drive. I have no motivation to do anything. Not even putting dishes in the dishwasher. Barely even basic hygiene (I really had to force myself to shower this morning and I put on basically no makeup - too much work). This, of course, doesn't help how I'm feeling. I look in the mirror and see an ogre. An ugly thing that isn't taking care of herself. And part of me doesn't care. 

Today is especially bad for some reason. Yesterday was bad too. Yesterday I was at work and getting annoyed and irritated by everything. I wasn't "feeling it". I was down and more quiet, though I tried not to be. Today I'm down as well and all I want to do is sleep. Sleep the day away. I feel slow and lazy and done with everything. And it's weird, because for as awful as I'm feeling right now I'm not flat. Not empty. Not how I normally am when I'm depressed. I have emotions (it's just that most of my emotions are negative right now). I would even say that I'm emotionally fragile. A song or a video on Facebook or Instagram could make me cry. Literally. It's frustrating. I don't want to feel this way. 

I had therapy last Thursday and it was over Zoom. I really prefer in person, but that wasn't an option last week as Mike had had hernia surgery and wasn't recovered from it yet. Zoom is better than nothing. I cried while recounting the infant death. I talked about the holidays and Ayden and his girlfriend. I felt it was a productive session but I left it feeling I needed more. More of what, I don't know. But more. And today I did another session of hypnotherapy (have I mentioned before that I'm doing this?). Trying to get my binge eating under control, trying to eat more healthfully, trying to exercise and get in shape, trying to stay away from junk food. I certainly don't feel as though I'm being "hypnotized", listening to the recordings. But they do relax me, and maybe, somehow, they'll help. I can use all the help I can get. 

If these feelings continue, if I see no improvement over the next week or so, it may be time for a ketamine booster. I don't really want to, because I'm stubborn and want to be better on my own, but I may need to suck it up an go. It's been two months since my last treatment. I was hoping I'd make it until at least three. But I can't keep doing this. I can't keep feeling this way and getting nothing done. I can't make those around me miserable with my lack of, well, everything. 

So that's where we're at. Bit of a depressing post, I know. But, well, it seems that's where I'm at right now. Hopefully this week will be better. Hopefully I'll get stuff done. 

Friday 12/9/22 Stuff and things

 Well, it's Friday. Nothing special about it.

I've managed to get two good workouts in this week, plus walking yesterday volunteering. It's a start. I downloaded a workout app that I "committed" to using at least twice a week. It has hundreds (if not thousands) of different workouts to choose from - Tuesday and today I did total body workouts (today was more of a HIIT workout, Tuesday was more strength focused). I was sore after Tuesday, and my legs are jello today. I'm hoping I can continue to be consistent and work out regularly. I really need to get in shape in general, but especially in time for our Japan trip - we're going to be walking a LOT the two weeks we're there! I don't want to be struggling to get around or totally exhausted. I've got a little over 5 months to get in shape. I can do it!

I did my first craft fair last weekend (the 3rd and 4th). I sold more than I thought I was going to sell, so that's good. I had kind of a crappy location - tucked in a corner of Doherty's small gym (which lots of people don't even know exists). They didn't have good signage for the small gym either. But I made around $600 so that's cool. I presigned up for next year with a request of being in the main gym or cafeteria - so I can get more exposure. All in all it was a good experience, although tiring. Lots of peopling (which I'm not very good at, being an introvert). We're going to professionally scan some of my personal artwork and make prints of them for next time. And, I guess, for my Etsy shop too. I don't know how much that's going to cost or which paintings to do or if people will like them . . . ugh.

Mood wise I've been holding pretty steady. I have times where I'm meh, or irritable, or down, but it usually doesn't last long. So that's good. Stable is good. I keep waiting for the depression to come back but it hasn't yet. It's been over a month since my last ketamine treatment, fingers crossed I can go 3 months or longer. 

That's about it. I'm pretty boring right now. 

Tuesday 11/8/22 Some Art

 I'm sitting here on the couch, not quite sure what to do with myself. I don't know how I want to fill my time today. Yesterday I painted quite a bit, uploaded a TON of paintings to my Etsy shop . . . today I'm just not feeling it. I'm not necessarily down, but I'm not great either. I'm meh. Blah. Indifferent. I don't like feeling like this. I'm as of yet undecided on whether I'll keep my ketamine booster appointment. I mean, I'm not depressed, just meh or down. I'm not sure that really qualifies me as needing the booster. I don't know. I'll give it another week and we'll see. 

Anyway, I've been painting quite a bit. Figured I'd share a few of them here.

This first one I titled "Anemone". Mostly just playing with color and shapes.

This second one is just swirls of color, kind of like what I would see during an infusion.

Cherry blossoms. I love cherry blossoms. 

Some daisies. 

This one is "Nautilus". Swirls of shapes and blues that I would see during an infusion.

This last one is "Sink". Some infusions I felt like I was floating. Others like I was sinking in sand or something. Always so much blue though. Blue was the predominant color I would see. Some purples and oranges and greens here and there, but mostly blues. 

There's quite a few more, plus all the dragon paintings (well, 4 dragon paintings). I've been busy. But I don't know if I want to paint today. We'll see. I don't know what I want to do today.
 

Wednesday 11/2/22 It's November, Y'all

 Wow. It's November already. That seems crazy to me. Time seems to be flying by. And it's been, what, 10 days since I last posted? Something like that. 

So I've finished my 6 initial treatments of ketamine, my last treatment being a week ago Monday. My last 2 infusions were intense, as Dr. Jeff used the max dose for my weight. Felt like I was lost inside my brain and wasn't going to be able to come down. Had to ground myself numerous times, remind myself that I was not lost, I was, indeed, in a cushy recliner and safe. They weren't scary or anxiety inducing, just intense. I have a booster scheduled for Nov. 22nd, if I need it. If not, I cancel. I'm really hoping I don't need it, buuuuut . . . .

. . . . I've been starting to feel a little down again. Having periods where I feel meh, then do okay, then feel down. Or I just feel meh or down. Now, I know I'm not going to feel happy all of the time. I'm going to experience a full range of emotions and that's okay - even the "bad" ones. But I definitely don't like it, feeling meh or down. It makes me worry that I'm going to be stuck needing boosters every month to feel normal, to feel okay. That scares me, to be honest. I just want to be stable and okay, not meh and down. I keep telling myself that it's okay if I need boosters - it's just like needing to take my medications. But I feel like this is different. Like I've failed somehow if I need continued boosters. I'm working on stopping this negative spiral of thinking because it's not going to do me any good. But also, the infusions are expensive - $275 each - and I don't want that to be an added expense, especially since we're still saving for our Japan trip. Ugh.

Today I was supposed to work but I was put on "standby" (meaning I can get called in at any time). I'm glad I'm not at work. I'm feeling down this morning and I don't want to be around people (everyone thinks I'm better, I'm "cured" of my depression, and I don't want to show them otherwise, let them down somehow - it's stupid that this is how my mind works). My bestie says I'm feeling this way because my brain IS stupid and doesn't know how to feel normal. Which could very much be true. At any rate, I'm down this morning and I just want to go back to sleep. 

I have therapy tomorrow and I think this session will truly be my last one with Mike. Which is a real bummer. If I'm feeling okay I think I can handle that. If I'm feeling like I am right now . . . not so much. Him retiring is a loss I'm going to have to grieve. And in this state I'm not sure I can handle that. Not that I have any choice in the matter.

Let's move on. Artwork wise I've been trying to capture what I've seen during my infusions. Most notably dragons and cherry blossoms. I've done several paintings, none of them quite up to snuff. I like the dragons I've drawn and am considering getting one of them tattooed on me. We'll see. I'll give it some time to mull over before I make a final decision. I've been trying to paint waves and have discovered that I just don't have the skill to adequately do so. Which is disappointing. But I'll keep trying. 

I really hope I don't get called in today. Fingers crossed.

Saturday 10/22/22 Stuff and Things

 Been a bit since I last posted! There hasn't been a ton going on, really. I've had five ketamine infusions so far - my 6th and final infusion is Monday. My 5th infusion (this past Thursday), was intense. The doc went up on the dose and boy could I tell a difference. I felt lost inside my own head. Momentarily thought maybe I wouldn't come back down. It wasn't scary, it was just intense. And I could see how someone might feel scared or anxious because of it. I was able to keep myself grounded enough though, kept reminding myself that I was safe, sitting in a comfy recliner. It took a bit longer to wear off, too. When I left the clinic I felt tipsy still (obviously I wasn't driving - my hubby was). 

So how have these infusions been treating me? Pretty good, actually. I'm feeling like myself again, which is amazing. I'm not happy all the time - don't get me wrong - but I'm feeling emotions. I have a range of emotions instead of feeling either depressed or nothing. I still have "blah" moments but hey, who doesn't? I'm better able to handle myself at work, I'm more quick to smile and laugh, I'm not getting overwhelmed. This is all pretty darn amazing! I'm just hoping these results last. Dr. Jeff (the anesthesiologist who runs the infusions) said that some people need a booster infusion once a month, others have gone a year before needing a booster - everyone is different. I'm really hoping I don't need to have one monthly (mainly because of the cost - each infusion is $275). And I mean, it would just be cool to be able to go longer. The important thing is that it works. It's helped me. That's HUGE. 

In other news, we're actively planning our trip to Japan. It's looking like we'll be there May 25th through June 10th. Craziness! We have a travel agent who is helping set up our itinerary, flights, hotels, etc. It makes me realize that yes, indeed, this is happening. Which, honestly, is a little scary. And exciting. But still scary. The highlight of the trip for me will be visiting Nara and seeing all the bowing deer. Seriously - the deer bow to you to be fed! I can't wait for that! I love deer! In addition, we'll be staying in Tokyo, Kyoto, and Osaka. It will be a whirlwind trip, lots to see and do. 

I've been painting here and there, not terribly frequently, but when I feel like it. I desperately need to update my Etsy shop, which I plan on doing on Monday and Wednesday this week. I have paintings I need to scan and post. Quite a few. I've been neglecting it. Oh well. I'll get there.  

Tuesday 10/11/22 Ketamine Infusions

 Today I had my second ketamine infusion (my first one was last Thursday). I have my 3rd this Friday. The infusions are . . . interesting. It's very difficult to describe what they're like because they're ever changing and fluid and just . . . I don't know.

So they start by starting an IV and getting an initial set of vital signs. The ketamine is mixed with 60ml of saline and is infused over 40 minutes. My first dose was 35mg, my second was 40mg. The ketamine dose is weight based and isn't enough to put you to sleep. It's just enough to give you a controlled high. And that's basically what it is - a controlled high. Or trip, if you prefer. I sit in a comfortable recliner, sleep mask on, ear buds in. The music is meditation music, very soft and lulling. The nurse leaves a pulse ox on one finger and a blood pressure cuff on so they can monitor vitals during the infusion. The room is a comfortable temperature and the lights are dimmed (though I can't tell that because I have a sleep mask on). The infusion starts.

At first I feel warmth flow throughout my body and an almost sinking feeling, like I'm becoming one with the chair. Then floating. Drifting along either in water or air, I'm not sure, but definitely floating. Despite having my eyes closed and a sleep mask on I see colors. Mostly greens, blues, and purples, forming undulating waves that change into geometric patterns and then back to waves. It's very calming and relaxing. I can feel my pulse throughout my body but it is not bothersome - rather, it's comforting. The soft music seems to be coming from everywhere, from within me - not from my headphones. There is no sense of time. Thoughts come and go, seemingly random, but sometimes purposeful. However, I cannot grasp onto them. They flow through me, in front of me, behind me, with the colors and shapes. I feel warm and heavy and somehow outside of my body, but still attached to it. Occasionally, I can feel the blood pressure cuff squeeze my arm, a reminder that I'm grounded. If I feel like I'm floating too high I merely move my fingers and feel the chair and I know that I'm safe and comfortable. This continues on for some time before I start to feel sensations: the chair beneath me, my position, my shoes, my fingers. The colors dissipate and I'm more aware of my surroundings. I feel the blood pressure cuff and pulse ox being removed. I sit for a few minutes before removing my eye mask and ear buds. I feel calm, a little tipsy perhaps. But calm and comfortable and relaxed. The doctor and nurse come in and check on me and it's time to go. Hubby is there to drive me home. The tipsiness wears off quickly, before I'm even down to the car. 

That's the gist of how it feels. Last Thursday was more floating, today was more of almost being enveloped by marshmallows. Cushiony soft surrounding me, pressing in on me. I felt more today than last Thursday, presumably because of the increased dose. The downfall today was that even though I went to the bathroom right before the infusion started, as I was coming to I realized I had to pee. Like, bad. I had to call out for the nurse and she helped me to the bathroom as I was still a bit unsteady on my feet. Luckily it didn't happen while the infusion was still going. But it was annoying nonetheless (damn bladder). 

After my first infusion, I noticed at work the next day I was less overwhelmed. I was able to joke a little bit and actually genuinely smile. It was a breath of fresh air. It gives me hope that these infusions will help with the depression. 

I have therapy on Thursday, most likely my last session with Mike. And that will be difficult. Then an infusion on Friday, and 2 next week. This week and next week feel impossibly long. This week because I'm off every day until Saturday, next week because I have something every day - I work Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and have infusions Tuesday and Thursday. When I'm home I don't know what to do with myself and when I'm at work I don't know how I'll make it through the day. So yeah, a long 2 weeks. But I'll make it through. I always do.  

Thursday 10/6/22 Ketamine

 Today I have my first ketamine infusion. It's scheduled at 12:30 so I'll be leaving the house in about an hour. I figured I'd be more anxious than I am - I'm really quite bored. Maybe as the time gets closer or when I actually get there . . . But for now, bored. Numb. Withdrawn. Flat. I have an hour to kill and I don't know what to do with myself. Drawing, painting, sewing, reading . . . all sound horrible. I have no desire to do any of that. I was looking through landscapes on Pinterest, trying to find inspiration, and all I got was frustrated. I hate this. I hate this numbness and lack of motivation/drive to do anything. I end up just sitting and staring at the wall. Or laying in bed doing the same. 

I haven't been getting anything accomplished. No housework (save for laundry), no hobbies, no nothing. I just don't care. I need to be figuring things out for the craft fair I'm doing in December but I just don't care enough to. I should be sewing or painting. But I don't care. I should be reading or cleaning. But I don't care. I wish I could at least read, because reading can be an escape. But I can't stay focused long enough to comprehend anything. So mostly I end up staring off into space or scrolling social media as a way to pass the time. Neither of which are good options. I feel like such a failure because of this. 

So hopefully the ketamine will help. I decided to write before the infusion as I don't know what state I'll be in after. Maybe I'll feel loopy or sleepy. Maybe I'll feel fine. I don't know. Perhaps, if I don't go to work tomorrow, I'll  hop on here and write about my experience. Yeah. I'm considering calling in tomorrow. And Saturday as I'm on call. Work keeps me busy but it's so draining. It's hard to keep up the illusion that I'm okay. It's exhausting, really. And people have started noticing that I'm not at my best. And I almost feel like a fraud to myself for pretending I'm okay when I'm not. I don't know. It's weird. And I also have a cold, which is annoying. 

Friday 9/30/22 Therapy and Ketamine

 It's been a rough week. I've only worked like 1 day in the past 10 and it was difficult. Like, really difficult. I work tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm struggling you see. Every. Single. Day. I'm struggling. With depression, anger, and now anxiety (we just had to throw that into the mix too. I mean, why not?). I've been trying to stay busy, trying to do things . . . but it's just not working out for me. I go downstairs to paint and end up staring off into space because I can't seem to start. Or I start - like today - and get so anxious I can barely hold a paint brush. Or I just stare at my paper and cry. I don't dare try to sew because that sends my anger skyrocketing. And who needs that?

I had therapy yesterday and I also talked with the ketamine clinic. I have my first ketamine infusion next Thursday. I'm praying that this helps because it's all I have left. There's no more meds for me to try. I saw Dr. Marciniak this past Tuesday and he had me get a light box to try, even though my depression isn't seasonal. Because there's nothing else left. He did take me off of the Caplyta and started me back on Vraylar. Med wise I'm back at square one. 

So I got the light box and used it today. It's freaking bright. I'm trying to do self care crap but it's tiring and I don't see a point to it. I don't see a point to anything. But I'm trying. I'm trying everything. It's just that nothing is helping. And this anxiety man . . . it needs to go. I haven't had anxiety like this for years. 

So yeah. This is stupid.

Friday 9/2/22 Saw My Psychiatrist

 So I saw my psychiatrist this past Monday to talk about Lexapro's horrible failure at helping my depression. All the Lexapro did was increase my appetite so that over the 6 weeks I was on it I gained 10 pounds. Which just adds to the depression. Hooray. We agreed to stop it. And I talked to him about trying ketamine infusions. Which, to my surprise, he's for me trying it. With a catch. I guess. Kind of. He wanted me to wean off of Vraylar and start a new medication that's only been available for a short period of time - Caplyta. No one I know has heard of this medication. Of course not - it's brand new. So, he gave me enough samples of Caplyta to last me a month and I see him again in 4 weeks to see how I'm doing. 

I've taken the Caplyta 4 nights now and boy howdy am I groggy in the morning. I read through the information packet that came with the med and yeah. Sedation is the #1 side effect for it. And even though I'm taking it at night, the grogginess hits me in the morning and lasts several hours. I'm hoping this side effect will lessen with time. *Fingers crossed*

In other news, my depression is becoming more and more obvious. At work I try really hard to engage with others but I'm so withdrawn and flat. I'd rather be alone. I'm overall feeling more depressed as well, which sucks. Yesterday was particularly bad. So bad that I didn't volunteer (I was depressed, groggy, and felt like I was getting a cold). I remained depressed all day. I'm trying everything I can but nothing is helping. Hopefully this Caplyta will help. If not, hopefully ketamine will help. The sucky thing about ketamine is it's not covered by insurance, it's expensive (around $300 per treatment), and I have to have a ride home after each treatment. I don't know how that's going to work. Especially finding a ride. Because I don't want to rely on my mom for that. No, thank you. 

Anyway, that's about all that's been going on since last week. Now I want a nap.

Wednesday 8/24/22 Therapy

 I just got home from my therapy appointment. And I don't know what to do with myself. It was a good appointment, talked mostly ACOA stuff. Pretty much the whole session was ACOA. Which is good, it's stuff I need to work through. My next session is in 3 weeks. I think that one will be my last session with Mike as he retires in October. *heavy sigh* I don't know what I'm going to do after that. 

Today I'm feeling pretty damn low. Very depressed. I don't want to do anything, I have no motivation. I need to clean the kitchen and bathrooms and dust . . . I need do watch more Mental and Emotional Mastery. I need to workout and read and work on my ACOA workbook. I have all these things I "need" to do and I don't want to do anything. I want to lay down and sleep. I'm so tired of being depressed. Physically, mentally, emotionally tired. I'm tired of being too tired and unmotivated to accomplish anything. I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm just tired. 

I've been on Lexapro for several weeks now and I don't think it's doing squat. I've noticed no change at all. If anything, I've been feeling a little worse. I see Marciniak next Monday, we'll see what he says I guess. I don't want to continue to take it though if it's not doing anything. That's pointless. I don't have anything else to try though - I've been on pretty much everything. Only treatment I haven't tried is ketamine. I know 3 people who have tried ketamine with mixed results. And there's problems to getting it - it's expensive and I have to find a ride home every time I go. Which I believe there's an induction phase and then a maintenance phase. I'm just not quite sure about it. My one friend who has done it says the day is pretty much wasted because you're basically sleepy and high afterwards. I don't know. I don't know what to do. 

This post is kind of jumping around. That's how my head feels. Too many trains of thought, but they're all moving so slowly. I can't concentrate. I want to go lay down. Sleep. Escape.