Tuesday 12/17/24 Damn, it's been awhile

 It's been a month and a half since I last wrote! Holy crap! I have to admit though, I haven't been spending much time in my office as of late (which is a shame). I've been doing other things. Like reading and cleaning and going through a stop-binge-and-emotional-eating program. I've missed being in my office. I cleaned it up, got rid of a bunch of crap, and organized it, so it's quite nice to be in. I've just been . . . busy, I guess. I haven't done any artwork in about a month as well (and my last artwork was a doodle). 

So. My eating program. It's set up so that I do a module a week, and each module is anywhere from 4 to 8ish videos chock full of info on emotional and binge eating and how to overcome it. I mostly emotionally eat (when I'm stressed, sad, anxious, bored, happy . . .), but this sometimes turns into binge eating. It mostly happens at work, where I just can't seem to control myself. So I've been doing this program. Tomorrow I'll unlock week 5. And I must say, I've been doing better. And not beating myself up when I have a slip up (which is something I was doing on the regular). I'm proud of myself. I've also been exercising consistently on my days off from work, doing yoga and weights. And I freaking LOVE yoga! I recently bought myself a nice yoga mat, which is a game changer (the mat I was using was a cheap foam-ish mat that I slipped on). So yeah. I've been doing good on that front. I haven't lost much weight - in fact, I've gained 9 pounds since being off the semaglutide. However, I don't really care because I'm feeling so much better. I didn't realize how horrible I felt on the semaglutide until I stopped it. It was awful. 

Mood wise I've been fabulous. I've been stable for, I don't know, over a year? I'm having normal emotions and a normal range of emotions, which is spectacular. I feel good. I don't really get anxious anymore, I haven't been depressed, haven't been irritable . . . I'm just doing so freaking good! It's a breath of fresh air, you have no idea. There is, however, one thing I really need to work on. And that's my impulsive purchases. I'm bad about that. Really bad. And it makes me feel guilty. With black Friday and cyber Monday I kinda went overboard. I bought several bracelets, a necklace, a new hoodie (which I did need), a new collar for Moya (which she did need), some artwork, a yoga inspired shirt, and various other little things. The small purchases add up. I know this. And yet I still do it. Funny thing, I feel I did good. Because I didn't buy half of the stuff I wanted. But still, it needs to stop. I'm going to apply the techniques I'm learning from my food course to spending, see if it helps. I'm hoping it does. Because yeah. Sometimes I think Jer wants to shake me because of this. 

Anyhoo, that's about it for now. Toodle loo.

Thursday 8/8/24 Stuff and Stuff

 Well, it's been a while again since I've written. There's nothing too exciting going on, at least not today. I went to the DMV to get custom plates for my new truck - they'll say ICKYDOG. I'm excited for them. And the DMV surprisingly didn't take long and wasn't nearly as expensive as I thought it would be, so yay! And I'm doing laundry, so much fun.

We did, however, go to California last week to visit my family (my grandma and uncle). It was a short trip (4 days) but was lovely. We stayed with my Uncle and aunt and saw 2 of my cousins and spent lots of time with my grandma (who isn't doing the greatest). We also went to Newport Beach and Little Tokyo (in LA), and got Ayden a haircut in LA (which looks good). It was a busy 4 days but it was nice to be gone from regular life for a bit. And always nice to see family.

Work is still work. I'm charge every shift and that's annoying. But there's not much I can do about that right now. Hopefully that will get better by the end of August. We're still busy and we're still short staffed. It is what it is, I guess.

My mood, however, is doing a little better. Not as much existential dread or irritability, which is good. Maybe our quick trip helped with that. 

I still can't get photos to upload here. I can view my images, but can't get them to upload. It's very annoying. So again, no artwork today.

Thursday 6/6/24 Been awhile again

 Yeah, it's been a while since I last wrote. Three weeks or so. There's just nothing that exciting going on. Going to work, reading, doing laundry . . . nothing exciting. I've hit a dry spell creatively and haven't done any art in 2 or more weeks. I'm going to try today to do something. Anything to get my creative juices flowing. We'll see what I come up with. 

My colonoscopy was largely normal - doc removed two very small polyps which were benign. Hooray. I don't think I need another one for 5 years. Which is good because the prep was AWFUL. It tastes like salt water with a hint of artificial lemon flavor. So gross. 

In other news, I feel my mood slipping a little bit. Trending towards the melancholy. I notice myself feeling a little down at times and more easily angered (which is usually a sign that I'm slipping). It's not bad, and it's not all the time, but it's there. And that's annoying. And possibly a reason for my artistic dry spell. 

I don't really have anything else right now. So toodle loo! 

Tuesday 12/5/23 School and More School

 Well guys, I'm part way through week 3 of my first class. And it is intense. I've done SO MUCH reading from my giant-ass textbook (that literally weighs 10 pounds), have posted 4 discussions and 8 replies, written a paper, and made an educational pamphlet on COPD. So. Much. Work. Next week I have 2 discussions and 4 replies to post and a test. My midterm. Yep. Midterm on week 4 because the class is only 8 weeks long. It's crazy, but I'm doing it. The lowest grade I've gotten so far is a 95% on my paper (I got docked on APA formatting). Haven't turned in my pamphlet yet, so not sure how that's going to be graded. We'll see. All my discussions I've gotten 100%. Go me.

I'm worried about my midterm though. It's soooooo much freaking information and I have trouble recalling information. My memory loss is at play for real. Stupid bipolar and stupid ECT have wrecked my memory. But, we'll see. Who knows - maybe I'll surprise myself. It's 50 questions and we have 150 minutes to take it (3 minutes per question). It's open book, but since it's timed I don't really have the luxury of spending too much time looking up info. So it's more like a closed book test, honestly. 

I haven't had much time for anything other than work and school. School and work. No time for artwork. I feel like I have no time to workout. I can't really read my giant textbook while on the spin bike or doing yoga, ya know? I also haven't been sleeping well the past week or so. Hard time falling asleep, hard time staying asleep, waking up early but being too groggy to really function. It's been great. And I don't have time to nap. I have too much reading to do (reading for next week is over 300 pages). Mood wise I've been mostly okay. Have been feeling a little more down lately, close to tears often, but mostly okay. Kind of. I'm sure the lack of sleep isn't helping. 

That's about it. I'm pretty boring right now. School and work, and work and school. Ugh.

Tuesday 3/14/23 Therapy

 Well, I just got home from therapy and I feel . . . weird. I don't know. 

So I think I've written before that my new therapist uses Internal Family Systems (IFS) as her main mode of, well, doing therapy. IFS basically says that we're made up of all these different parts - none of them "bad" - but all these different parts. Our job in therapy is to get to know these parts and nurture them, love them, give them what they need to thrive and work together inside of us. For example, today we worked with my "body image" part, my inner critic, and my "abandoned child" parts. IFS is completely different than what I'm used to doing in therapy. Mostly what Mike and I did in our sessions was talk therapy with some CBT thrown in for good measure. I've also done DBT and equine therapy. None of this is really that similar to IFS. It's a completely different animal. And it makes me . . . uncomfortable. I think because it is so different. 

I guess an example is warranted, right?

Okay. Let's take my body image part. I closed my eyes and imagined what this part would look like. What characteristics it had, its age, its memories. Everything I could imagine about it. Make it as concrete as possible. My therapist, Becky, guided me through this. How did this part feel? I determined that it was ageless but presented as a younger girl, maybe 7 or 8 years old, and felt ashamed and embarrassed. It felt small and maybe even weak. We tried to determine what this part needed to feel safe (I'm not sure). Maybe love and compassion. What was the earliest memory of this part (overhearing my step-mom comment on my weight and being embarrassed about being seen in my swimsuit after that - we were at a pool). Other things? Never feeling comfortable in my body. Not having confidence in my appearance. Always feeling "fat" or overweight, even when I wasn't. And when I wasn't overweight, not liking attention I was getting. 

I tend to binge eat. I've tried purging in the past but failed because for the life of me I can't make myself throw up. But I binge. In secret (sometimes out in the open, but mostly in secret). Binging because food temporarily makes me feel "better". Makes me feel calm. Makes me feel in control (when in reality I'm out of control). Food gave me a sense of comfort as a child while living in a chaotic, unpredictable environment (growing up with an alcoholic mother). Now, when I feel anxious/depressed/bored/tired/scared/or any number of other things, I binge. To try and seek comfort. To try and feel calm. To feel "better". My inner critic hates this part of me. Tries to shame and belittle it into not binging. Which makes the body image part feel bad and, probably, ultimately binge again. 

My job is to try and nurture this part. Show it compassion. Show it that I care for it and it can trust me. To show it that it doesn't need to binge anymore because I'm with it and care for it. And to give my inner critic another job besides mean-ass drill sergeant. Maybe it can be a coach and gently and lovingly work with the body image part to become better. 

So this is what we did in therapy today. Along with working a little with the abandoned child part of me as well. The abandoned child has been close to me since Mike retired as it was pretty horrifically triggered by that event. I already feel love and compassion for this part of me and have been trying to nurture it since that event. Even when I'm not aware I'm doing it. But now I need to consciously work with this part to heal. 

So yeah. That's IFS in a nutshell. It's totally different and I'm not quite sure how I buy into it yet. Time will tell, I suppose. 

In other news, this past week has been a little bit better mood wise. Although yesterday and this morning I was very meh. I did absolutely nothing yesterday, except read. I felt awful about that and I'm trying not to beat myself up over it (inner critic, I'm talking to you). This morning was also lazy with doing nothing but laundry and reading. I need to workout. I need to do things. I still just have no motivation or drive at all. And I hate that. Legit, really hate that. Even with doing nothing I feel like I have no time to myself. Like it's all work and volunteering and time is slipping away from me. I need to make better use of my time. I really do. But that's hard when the motivation is lacking. 

Anyway, I guess that's it. I have therapy again in 2 weeks. My homework is to be aware of my parts - especially the 3 we worked with today - and start trying to work with them instead of against them. So yeah. That's where I'm at.   

Tuesday 1/3/22 Happy New Year

 I guess. 

Well, it's 2023. A new year is upon us. I guess it's time for new year's resolutions and whatnot, right? I'm not really big on resolutions, but I did make one for this year - I want to get in better shape so I'm not having difficulties walking around Japan in May/June. See, most of our transportation in Japan will be walking. I mean, we'll take the bullet train between cities, but mostly we'll be walking. A lot. People on a forum for Japan travelers averaged above 20,000 steps per day. I'm not used to that much walking. I'm out of shape. As of right now, I don't think my hips can take it. So I'm going to work to get my ass in shape. Which will be good for weight loss (duh) as I'd like to lose another 40-50 pounds. 

I started yesterday. Did legs at the gym. And boy are my legs sore today! Today (so far), I've done a wall Pilates session, and I plan on getting on my spin bike this afternoon. I also started a hypnotherapy program to help stop binge and emotional eating. I've done the first two sessions and we'll see I suppose. I don't feel as though I'm being "hypnotized", I just feel relaxed during the sessions. On the company's Facebook page people talk about falling asleep during the sessions. I definitely don't do that. Just feel relaxed. I'm hoping I still benefit from the sessions though (I've been binging and eating junk food like nobody's business the past two months. Ugh). 

As far as my mood has been . . . I've been okay, I guess. Mostly meh. Blah. Indifferent. I have periods where I feel better, but also periods where I feel down. But mostly I'm stuck at meh. No motivation or drive to do anything (which makes me worry about the whole exercising thing). I haven't painted or drawn anything in about 2 weeks. No inspiration, no motivation. So why bother? I have drawings that need to be painted, I just don't care to. Which really kind of sucks because normally art makes me happy. I just . . . don't have it in me right now. Hopefully that will change.

I have therapy this Thursday. I don't get to actually see Mike in person though - it'll be through Zoom. He had a medical procedure done that he hasn't quite healed from, so, Zoom. I'd much rather see him in person. Especially, again, since I'm worried about this being our last session. I worry about this with every session I have, but this time I'm especially worried. It's been 5 weeks since our last session and a lot of stuff has happened. I've been emotionally fragile because of all of this and I'm not sure I can handle this being our last session (the emotionally fragile thing sucks - I tear up at random things, almost crying over a commercial or something). I guess we'll see.

First though, I have to get through tomorrow. Tomorrow I work and it's going to be stupid busy. Three scheduled c-sections before 11am. And 5 or more inductions. My backup is Amy and God love her she is so slow. And there is no one else scheduled tomorrow who can do nursery. I'm worried she may call in sick and it will be just me. Like, losing sleep over it, worried. I feel so burned out at work I don't want to go anymore. I honestly considered using an FMLA day tomorrow until I saw that there was no one else who can do nursery. I can't leave someone hanging like that - I'd feel too guilty. I know how shitty it is to be nursery without any backup. It sucks. So I'm praying that Amy doesn't call in sick. I'm trying to plan out our morning in my head so that I'm prepared and don't start the day off in a bad mood. This is so stupid. I shouldn't have to do this. 

I guess that's enough bitching for today. I'm praying that tomorrow goes smoothly, that Thursday isn't my last session with Mike, and that I get my butt in gear and in shape.  

Friday 12/9/22 Stuff and things

 Well, it's Friday. Nothing special about it.

I've managed to get two good workouts in this week, plus walking yesterday volunteering. It's a start. I downloaded a workout app that I "committed" to using at least twice a week. It has hundreds (if not thousands) of different workouts to choose from - Tuesday and today I did total body workouts (today was more of a HIIT workout, Tuesday was more strength focused). I was sore after Tuesday, and my legs are jello today. I'm hoping I can continue to be consistent and work out regularly. I really need to get in shape in general, but especially in time for our Japan trip - we're going to be walking a LOT the two weeks we're there! I don't want to be struggling to get around or totally exhausted. I've got a little over 5 months to get in shape. I can do it!

I did my first craft fair last weekend (the 3rd and 4th). I sold more than I thought I was going to sell, so that's good. I had kind of a crappy location - tucked in a corner of Doherty's small gym (which lots of people don't even know exists). They didn't have good signage for the small gym either. But I made around $600 so that's cool. I presigned up for next year with a request of being in the main gym or cafeteria - so I can get more exposure. All in all it was a good experience, although tiring. Lots of peopling (which I'm not very good at, being an introvert). We're going to professionally scan some of my personal artwork and make prints of them for next time. And, I guess, for my Etsy shop too. I don't know how much that's going to cost or which paintings to do or if people will like them . . . ugh.

Mood wise I've been holding pretty steady. I have times where I'm meh, or irritable, or down, but it usually doesn't last long. So that's good. Stable is good. I keep waiting for the depression to come back but it hasn't yet. It's been over a month since my last ketamine treatment, fingers crossed I can go 3 months or longer. 

That's about it. I'm pretty boring right now. 

Thursday 11/17/22 Ugh

 Why ugh?

Because I feel gross. I've been super bloated and gassy as of late and I'm slowly gaining weight. All things that are BAD. They are NOT GOOD. I haven't been terribly active, nor have I been eating well, so this is all my own doing, but damn. I need to accept the fact that sugary things make me bloat and feel gross and I need to stop eating them. But it's so freaking hard - they taste so good! 

I'm back up to 211lb. What the actual fuck. This is ridiculous. At my heaviest I weighed 240 - I lost 40lb on my own and was down to 198 . . . but now I'm back at 211. And I can't stand it. I hate seeing myself in pictures - I look so bad. So fat. And I just feel gross and bad. I'm sick of this. I need to get in shape - we're going to be mainly walking everywhere when we go to Japan in May, if I stay this out of shape I'm going to have problems keeping up, getting around. I mean, I'm seeing the chiropractor today because my hips have been bothering me (probably my excess weight and lack of movement). 

I need to make a big change. I'm at my tipping point, much like I was at when I was 240. I think I can do this. But I need to get  my butt in gear. Which is hard when, even though my mood has been decent, I still have no motivation for anything. I seem to do better exercising in the afternoon, but I feel so lazy and tired and drained and have a hard time doing anything. It's like I hit this hard slump after lunch. If I'm not at work I typically take a nap (it doesn't help that I haven't been sleeping the greatest the past few weeks). And after the nap I feel too lazy to do anything. And that's really it - I'm too lazy. I need to be more active. I'm going to strive to be more active. 

Now about my diet . . . it needs a complete overhaul. I need to be eating more plants. Less refined sugar. I have a hard time with cravings. Especially at work. If there's junk around (and there usually is), I eat it. And not just a little bit - oh no. It's like I'm compelled to eat, to stuff my face to discomfort. I hate that I do this but I can't seem to stop. I know that I'm an emotional eater. And that I eat when I'm bored or stressed. I really need to take steps to remedy this, I'm just not sure what those steps are. I've looked into a couple of eating coaches, but holy COW are they expensive! Thousands of dollars! I can't afford that right now. I was hoping that as my mood improved I would emotionally eat less - that's not the case. I'm eating just as much. And yes, it's affecting my mood. Because I beat myself up every time I overeat or stress or emotionally eat. My body feels gross, so so does my mind. 

I ordered some berberine supplements to try and help control my appetite. And some chlorella and collagen to help with my hair loss (another thing that eats away at my self esteem). I can pull most of my hair in a pony tail now (I've been growing it out from a pixie cut), and I can see thinning patches when I do this. My hair is already fine to begin with, but with the hair loss . . . well, it's not good. Other supplements I've tried haven't helped, but they were all biotin based. I already take a biotin supplement with my multivitamin, so extra biotin probably isn't going to do much. So chlorella. And collagen. And maybe if I can get my diet better that will help too. 

This post is so vain sounding. But I know that if I feel good physically it helps me feel good mentally. So I need to get my butt in gear. Get back into exercising. Eat healthier. Less refined sugar and carbs (which, self, make you bloat and feel gross anyway - why do you keep eating them??). So that's where I'm at.

Friday 7/15/22 Estes

 It's Friday again and we're half way through July already. Crazy how fast time is flying by this summer. But still going so. Slow. 

I was supposed to see my psychiatrist this past Tuesday but had to reschedule for next Monday (the 18th). The office called me Tuesday about an hour before my appointment, needing to cancel because they had lost power to the building. The receptionist told me they were sitting in the dark, calling people, and canceling appointments for the day. Which is a bummer that I had to reschedule, but things happen. At least I don't have to wait too long. I'm not sure what good the appointment is going to do anyway. I went back down to 300mg on my Wellbutrin (from 450mg) because the urinary side effects were too much. I've tried pretty much every medication there is. So I have no idea what the next step is going to be. There might not be a next step - this might be it. I don't know. 

I've still been down/depressed pretty much every day. No motivation to do anything. All I want  to do is sleep or mindlessly scroll social media. Which I don't even really pay attention to. Sleeping is easier. I kept myself from going back to bed this morning, we'll see if I can keep myself from napping. 

The only reprieve from this was yesterday. Yesterday we (hubs, son, and I) went to Estes Park and went horseback riding. It was a gorgeous ride into Rocky Mountain National Park. Narrow, rocky trails, waterfalls, a river, beautiful mountain scenery . . . one of my favorite things to do, in one of my favorite places to be. While riding I was able to stay in the moment and enjoy myself. Not think about how I was feeling that morning or the past week. Just enjoy myself. Which was so nice. When the ride was done we walked around the shops in Estes Park and had lunch. It started pouring so we hunkered down in a candy shop until the storm passed (it was only like 15 minutes). It was refreshing. We finished touring the shops, got some ice cream, and headed back to the car. 

But my better mood didn't last long. After seeing some of the pics my hubby took of our ride I was shocked to see just how fat I still am. My mood really did plummet. I've lost 40 pounds, but I still would like to lose another 40. And those extra 40 pounds are definitely showing up in the photos. There's no denying it or hiding from it. And it makes me feel like a horrible failure. And I have, in fact, gained 5 pounds over the last few weeks. Which doesn't seem like much, but when you still have 40 to lose . . . well, a 5 pound gain can seem devastating. And for me it was. I'm so self conscious of how I look, even more so now. I think I was fooling myself into thinking I wasn't as big as I am and seeing the proof was a bit too much for me to handle. 

I'm trying to to better with my eating but have gotten pretty lax over the past several weeks. Couple that with no exercise . . . recipe for disaster. I started a 14 day "jumpstart" into changing my thinking around food, which will hopefully change my actions around it (I tend to emotionally eat and binge eat). And I paid for and am starting a program to change my thinking about myself. To love myself more and to have confidence in myself. I'm really hoping these two things help me. I need all the help I can get. And see, I keep thinking my depression wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't so heavy. If I lost weight and was able to love myself I wouldn't struggle so much. I don't know if this is true or not . . . but I'm thinking it is. And sadly, when I'm feeling how I have been feeling, I have no motivation to eat healthy or exercise. I eat junk because it gives me a dopamine kick and helps me feel slightly better for a moment (but lousy in the long run). And working out . . . it just seems like so much work. When all I want to do is sleep and hide away, the last thing I want to do is go to the gym where there are people (and no motivation makes it difficult to workout at home). 

So I'm just stuck right now. Hating my body, hating myself, depressed, no motivation, and generally doing poorly. And of course I work all weekend, so I get to hide all of this away so that I'm functional. Joy.

Monday 5/2/22 Ugh

 Welp, here we are, it's Monday. It's 11:21am and I haven't showered or even changed out of my pajamas yet. I just don't care. It seems like too much work. I know I'd feel better if I did . . . but it seems so hard. I'm pretty down today and I don't want to do anything. 

I worked yesterday and it was a rough day - mood wise. I was on the floor and my assignment was a nice one - my patients were all nice and self sufficient, and hardly needed anything from me. An easy day. Except it wasn't. I felt so down and empty and lost. I tried to read but couldn't focus. I wanted to hide from everyone. If I had been at home I would have taken a nap (or several). But I was at work and couldn't nap, so I hid and didn't really talk to anyone. Even to two friends who were working yesterday as well. Nope. Just hid in the corner and tried not to feel like crap.

And something that sucks, something that I'm "dealing with", is that I won't have therapy again for 7 weeks because Mike is having major back surgery. I'm not trying to be selfish or anything, it just sucks that I have to wait that long (or possibly even longer). Therapy last Wednesday was basically me venting about being depressed and angry at that depression and Mike trying to point out all the good in me. Trying to make me see that I'm more than just my depression. Which I know, intellectually, but it's hard to feel that when I've been feeling so low.  I'm struggling right now. I'm trying so hard not to let it show, but I'm struggling. 

Today it's windy and cold and cloudy. Tomorrow I have to go into work to be fitted again for an N95 mask (I don't want to go). Wednesday I'm on call and praying that I don't get called in. And Thursday, when I should be volunteering, I'll be at work. I'm set up for a crappy week. I work Saturday as well. It's a week I'm not looking forward to. Especially when I feel the way I do. 

I'm being very negative, I know. I'm trying not to be, but I can't help it it seems. It's hard to be positive when feeling like crap all the time. Anyway, I guess I don't have anything else to write right now. I need to eat lunch, and I need to shower. 

Sunday 1/16/22 Covid

 It was just a matter of time before covid hit my household. With me being a nurse and my son going to public school . . . yeah. Just a matter of time. 

Ayden started with a stomach ache last Tuesday. He missed school Tuesday and Wednesday because of it. We were thinking food poisoning from tainted fish because he had no other symptoms. He went to school Thursday only to come home early with headache, nausea, chills, and feeling dizzy. Jer (hubby), took him for a covid test which came back positive this morning.

Yesterday I went to work with chest congestion, a slight cough and mild headache. Didn't really think anything of it. I texted Jer around 10 asking how he was doing and he said he was sick with chills, headache, etc. 

Uh oh.

I still decided it was nothing, but I was getting progressively worse as the day went on. So I called in sick for today just to be safe and of course Ayden's test came back positive. Jer and I got tested today and I'm sure we'll both be positive too. Turns out I have to be tested again by my work on Tuesday. Joy. Those nasal swabs tickle!

Overall I'm not feeling too bad. My headache this morning was awful, but some cold medicine and coffee helped that. I'm congested and coughing and the fatigue is no joke. But overall I'd say not too bad. Thank God. 

And, thankfully, my mood hasn't been too bad. I'm a little withdrawn, flat, meh, but not overly depressed (at least the last 3 days). So that's a win too. Because the last thing I need is to be depressed while I'm sick. That would be the worst. 

Wednesday 9/22/21 Birthday . . .

 My birthday is coming up. It's Saturday. I'll be 43. Craziness. I know I'm going out to dinner with my step mom, but other than that, I don't know. Probably not much of anything. Which is okay - I don't really need or want to do anything. Just eat and have a mojito or two. 

I work the next two days and I don't want to. Like, I really don't want to. Mainly because we've been floating nurses this week to other floors. Which, let's be honest, I hate. We all do. I feel worthless on other units. I'm not supposed to enter Covid rooms (which over half the rooms are Covid patients), not supposed to pass meds, just supposed to be helping hands or a sitter. So I can do vitals, pass trays, make beds . . . or sit in a room with a patient and chart what they're doing every 15 minutes. Joy. It fucking sucks. I think I'm safe Friday because I'm nursery that day, but tomorrow I'm scheduled for mom/baby. So if we're not busy I could be floated. It just makes for a wretched day. I know I should have a more positive attitude about it - that would go a long way in helping - but it's just hard to. I'm already burnt out, and working on another unit just compounds that. 

It also doesn't help that I'm in a piss poor mood today. Cranky, bitter, down, annoyed with everything . . . I don't think I'm very pleasant to be around today. I got stuff done - laundry, sewing, drawing, organized my studio quite a bit. I even took a short nap. But all of that hasn't helped my mood. I don't want to start a downward spiral because of my poor attitude. It truly can easily happen. I know part of it is thinking about work tomorrow. Part of it is my sewing machine snagging several times and poking myself with a needle. Part of it is because I woke up like this. And part of it is because for the last 3 weeks I've felt like I'm coming down with a cold. I don't ever get sick - I just have the ever-so-slightest feeling of malaise. A barely there headache. My neck is perpetually sore. I don't know what it is. Maybe I have the world's most mild case of Covid. Who knows. But it certainly puts a damper on my mood. Makes me want to nap. Not be productive. And annoys the hell out of me. 

Man this blog post is whiney. I hate when I'm like this. I don't want to cook tonight either. I want Burger King. Junk. I don't care right now. 

Anyway, happy birthday (early) to me. 

Tuesday 6/8/21 My brain, the asshole

 Sometimes my brain can be an asshole. But we know this - I'm bipolar. So really it's no surprise. But the past week I've had several down days, which is annoying, to say the least. Mostly I feel blah. But Sunday I felt down. Like, down. For no reason. I woke up feeling that way. So down I didn't want to go to church. But I went, and I'm glad I did because it helped a little. I found a perfect pinecone outside of our church and it helped lift my spirits a little bit. Then yesterday at work I was okay. My mood was pretty good.

Today though, today is not a good day. I'm cranky and annoyed with everything and feel down and blah all at the same time. I'm not in a good place today. And what doesn't help is that I just got off the phone with my mom. She called at 10:30 - in the morning - and she's already drunk. I have a very strained relationship with her (that's putting it lightly). And trying to talk to her when she's been drinking is horrendous. I can't. Fucking. Stand it. I'm not the best talking to her when she's sober (and, let's be honest, that's a rare thing), so dealing with her when she's drunk . . . let's just say it tries my patience. But I was the good daughter and talked to her on the phone, which really consists of me listening to her slur her words and complain about everything that is wrong in her life. She even complains about things that are good in her life. Everything is horrible and nothing is okay. It's exhausting and draining to have to listen to her and not lash out. So many of her problems would be solved if she didn't drink all day every day. 

But I digress. 

I tried to motivate myself this morning. To do something. Anything physical. I don't have the motivation. I don't have the drive. It's like I just don't care. But I did my face yoga (oh yeah - I started doing face yoga), and I stretched. It's all I could bring myself to do. On Thursday I'm going to try and do 10 minutes on the spin bike. Just 10. Start small. Make it a habit. Then increase my time gradually. That's my plan. Today I stretched, Thursday I'll do the spin bike. And then I'll try actual yoga. I mentioned last week that I had downloaded an app for yoga. Well, I have yet to use it. It intimidates me. So I'll start small. I'll build up. I'll get there. 

And today I emailed a guy about my next tattoo. I'm starting the process. Hopefully I can get my next one soon. Sooner rather than later. Hopefully it won't take long for this guy to get back to me. 

Anyway, that's about it. I had a lovely four day weekend this past weekend (except for my mood). There was much relaxing. And a drive up Rampart Range Rd into the mountains. Which I thoroughly enjoyed. The end.