It's Friday again and we're half way through July already. Crazy how fast time is flying by this summer. But still going so. Slow.
I was supposed to see my psychiatrist this past Tuesday but had to reschedule for next Monday (the 18th). The office called me Tuesday about an hour before my appointment, needing to cancel because they had lost power to the building. The receptionist told me they were sitting in the dark, calling people, and canceling appointments for the day. Which is a bummer that I had to reschedule, but things happen. At least I don't have to wait too long. I'm not sure what good the appointment is going to do anyway. I went back down to 300mg on my Wellbutrin (from 450mg) because the urinary side effects were too much. I've tried pretty much every medication there is. So I have no idea what the next step is going to be. There might not be a next step - this might be it. I don't know.
I've still been down/depressed pretty much every day. No motivation to do anything. All I want to do is sleep or mindlessly scroll social media. Which I don't even really pay attention to. Sleeping is easier. I kept myself from going back to bed this morning, we'll see if I can keep myself from napping.
The only reprieve from this was yesterday. Yesterday we (hubs, son, and I) went to Estes Park and went horseback riding. It was a gorgeous ride into Rocky Mountain National Park. Narrow, rocky trails, waterfalls, a river, beautiful mountain scenery . . . one of my favorite things to do, in one of my favorite places to be. While riding I was able to stay in the moment and enjoy myself. Not think about how I was feeling that morning or the past week. Just enjoy myself. Which was so nice. When the ride was done we walked around the shops in Estes Park and had lunch. It started pouring so we hunkered down in a candy shop until the storm passed (it was only like 15 minutes). It was refreshing. We finished touring the shops, got some ice cream, and headed back to the car.
But my better mood didn't last long. After seeing some of the pics my hubby took of our ride I was shocked to see just how fat I still am. My mood really did plummet. I've lost 40 pounds, but I still would like to lose another 40. And those extra 40 pounds are definitely showing up in the photos. There's no denying it or hiding from it. And it makes me feel like a horrible failure. And I have, in fact, gained 5 pounds over the last few weeks. Which doesn't seem like much, but when you still have 40 to lose . . . well, a 5 pound gain can seem devastating. And for me it was. I'm so self conscious of how I look, even more so now. I think I was fooling myself into thinking I wasn't as big as I am and seeing the proof was a bit too much for me to handle.
I'm trying to to better with my eating but have gotten pretty lax over the past several weeks. Couple that with no exercise . . . recipe for disaster. I started a 14 day "jumpstart" into changing my thinking around food, which will hopefully change my actions around it (I tend to emotionally eat and binge eat). And I paid for and am starting a program to change my thinking about myself. To love myself more and to have confidence in myself. I'm really hoping these two things help me. I need all the help I can get. And see, I keep thinking my depression wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't so heavy. If I lost weight and was able to love myself I wouldn't struggle so much. I don't know if this is true or not . . . but I'm thinking it is. And sadly, when I'm feeling how I have been feeling, I have no motivation to eat healthy or exercise. I eat junk because it gives me a dopamine kick and helps me feel slightly better for a moment (but lousy in the long run). And working out . . . it just seems like so much work. When all I want to do is sleep and hide away, the last thing I want to do is go to the gym where there are people (and no motivation makes it difficult to workout at home).
So I'm just stuck right now. Hating my body, hating myself, depressed, no motivation, and generally doing poorly. And of course I work all weekend, so I get to hide all of this away so that I'm functional. Joy.
