Thursday 1/4/24 New Year

 Welp. It's 2024. Pretty crazy. I worked new year's eve day, which was fine. Even got off a little early (5:45pm), which was nice. I was in bed by 9:30 I think and then woken up by neighborhood fireworks at midnight. So, technically I rang in the new year awake ;) 

Monday and Tuesday was homework all day. Tuesday night we (hubby, son, and myself) met up with my stepmom, her hubby, and my stepsister and her family for dinner. Then on to Cripple Creek for the Ice Castles, which was crazy cold and pretty nifty (it was around 20 degrees F). It was nice to see everyone and hang out, even though it was freezing cold. Yesterday was work and today has been reading the last few chapters in my textbook. Which I am now done with. Yes, done. Over 1500 pages in my gigantic, 10lb textbook read over the past 7 weeks. Holy crap. That's a lot of reading. Next week is my last week of class. I have 2 discussion questions (and 4 replies) and my final exam to do and I'm officially done. 

I thought I'd feel more like a failure for taking one class and giving up. I thought I'd be beating myself up more. But maybe there's too much relief in being done. I've really, truly been struggling mentally and emotionally with school (not that you'd be able to tell from the outside - I'm good at hiding it). And who knows, maybe I'm finally mature enough emotionally to not need to beat myself up. Thanks, therapy. I still feel guilty. Because of the money we've spent. New desk, laptop, printer/scanner, accessories, textbook, the cost of the class . . . that's a lot of money that I feel like I'm throwing away. That I didn't deserve to have spent on me. Okay, maybe I'm beating myself up a little bit. I can't help it - it's in my nature. 

In other news, I've been working out. Not every day, not yet. But 3 days this past week, and I'm proud of myself for that (keep in mind I haven't worked out for the past 4 months). So 3 days consistently is big for me. I'm trying to get back into the groove of working out. Getting strong, increasing endurance. I need to, desperately. My goal is to do yoga on the mornings I work and lift weights/cardio on my days off. I need to build up to that though because I'm so freaking out of shape. I'll get there.

My eating is slowly getting better as well. Not as much binging on junk, which is huge. I've been doing hypnosis sessions (recorded, online) and I think it's helping. Finally. Because the binging was getting out of control. But now, not so much. 

Anyway, there's not much else going on. I'm quitting school, trying to get in shape, and getting back to making artwork (maybe there's some paper mache in the future). We'll see.

Tuesday 1/3/22 Happy New Year

 I guess. 

Well, it's 2023. A new year is upon us. I guess it's time for new year's resolutions and whatnot, right? I'm not really big on resolutions, but I did make one for this year - I want to get in better shape so I'm not having difficulties walking around Japan in May/June. See, most of our transportation in Japan will be walking. I mean, we'll take the bullet train between cities, but mostly we'll be walking. A lot. People on a forum for Japan travelers averaged above 20,000 steps per day. I'm not used to that much walking. I'm out of shape. As of right now, I don't think my hips can take it. So I'm going to work to get my ass in shape. Which will be good for weight loss (duh) as I'd like to lose another 40-50 pounds. 

I started yesterday. Did legs at the gym. And boy are my legs sore today! Today (so far), I've done a wall Pilates session, and I plan on getting on my spin bike this afternoon. I also started a hypnotherapy program to help stop binge and emotional eating. I've done the first two sessions and we'll see I suppose. I don't feel as though I'm being "hypnotized", I just feel relaxed during the sessions. On the company's Facebook page people talk about falling asleep during the sessions. I definitely don't do that. Just feel relaxed. I'm hoping I still benefit from the sessions though (I've been binging and eating junk food like nobody's business the past two months. Ugh). 

As far as my mood has been . . . I've been okay, I guess. Mostly meh. Blah. Indifferent. I have periods where I feel better, but also periods where I feel down. But mostly I'm stuck at meh. No motivation or drive to do anything (which makes me worry about the whole exercising thing). I haven't painted or drawn anything in about 2 weeks. No inspiration, no motivation. So why bother? I have drawings that need to be painted, I just don't care to. Which really kind of sucks because normally art makes me happy. I just . . . don't have it in me right now. Hopefully that will change.

I have therapy this Thursday. I don't get to actually see Mike in person though - it'll be through Zoom. He had a medical procedure done that he hasn't quite healed from, so, Zoom. I'd much rather see him in person. Especially, again, since I'm worried about this being our last session. I worry about this with every session I have, but this time I'm especially worried. It's been 5 weeks since our last session and a lot of stuff has happened. I've been emotionally fragile because of all of this and I'm not sure I can handle this being our last session (the emotionally fragile thing sucks - I tear up at random things, almost crying over a commercial or something). I guess we'll see.

First though, I have to get through tomorrow. Tomorrow I work and it's going to be stupid busy. Three scheduled c-sections before 11am. And 5 or more inductions. My backup is Amy and God love her she is so slow. And there is no one else scheduled tomorrow who can do nursery. I'm worried she may call in sick and it will be just me. Like, losing sleep over it, worried. I feel so burned out at work I don't want to go anymore. I honestly considered using an FMLA day tomorrow until I saw that there was no one else who can do nursery. I can't leave someone hanging like that - I'd feel too guilty. I know how shitty it is to be nursery without any backup. It sucks. So I'm praying that Amy doesn't call in sick. I'm trying to plan out our morning in my head so that I'm prepared and don't start the day off in a bad mood. This is so stupid. I shouldn't have to do this. 

I guess that's enough bitching for today. I'm praying that tomorrow goes smoothly, that Thursday isn't my last session with Mike, and that I get my butt in gear and in shape.