Tuesday 12/17/24 Damn, it's been awhile

 It's been a month and a half since I last wrote! Holy crap! I have to admit though, I haven't been spending much time in my office as of late (which is a shame). I've been doing other things. Like reading and cleaning and going through a stop-binge-and-emotional-eating program. I've missed being in my office. I cleaned it up, got rid of a bunch of crap, and organized it, so it's quite nice to be in. I've just been . . . busy, I guess. I haven't done any artwork in about a month as well (and my last artwork was a doodle). 

So. My eating program. It's set up so that I do a module a week, and each module is anywhere from 4 to 8ish videos chock full of info on emotional and binge eating and how to overcome it. I mostly emotionally eat (when I'm stressed, sad, anxious, bored, happy . . .), but this sometimes turns into binge eating. It mostly happens at work, where I just can't seem to control myself. So I've been doing this program. Tomorrow I'll unlock week 5. And I must say, I've been doing better. And not beating myself up when I have a slip up (which is something I was doing on the regular). I'm proud of myself. I've also been exercising consistently on my days off from work, doing yoga and weights. And I freaking LOVE yoga! I recently bought myself a nice yoga mat, which is a game changer (the mat I was using was a cheap foam-ish mat that I slipped on). So yeah. I've been doing good on that front. I haven't lost much weight - in fact, I've gained 9 pounds since being off the semaglutide. However, I don't really care because I'm feeling so much better. I didn't realize how horrible I felt on the semaglutide until I stopped it. It was awful. 

Mood wise I've been fabulous. I've been stable for, I don't know, over a year? I'm having normal emotions and a normal range of emotions, which is spectacular. I feel good. I don't really get anxious anymore, I haven't been depressed, haven't been irritable . . . I'm just doing so freaking good! It's a breath of fresh air, you have no idea. There is, however, one thing I really need to work on. And that's my impulsive purchases. I'm bad about that. Really bad. And it makes me feel guilty. With black Friday and cyber Monday I kinda went overboard. I bought several bracelets, a necklace, a new hoodie (which I did need), a new collar for Moya (which she did need), some artwork, a yoga inspired shirt, and various other little things. The small purchases add up. I know this. And yet I still do it. Funny thing, I feel I did good. Because I didn't buy half of the stuff I wanted. But still, it needs to stop. I'm going to apply the techniques I'm learning from my food course to spending, see if it helps. I'm hoping it does. Because yeah. Sometimes I think Jer wants to shake me because of this. 

Anyhoo, that's about it for now. Toodle loo.

Monday 11/4/24 Jury Duty!!

 That's right. I have jury duty today. Luckily I didn't have to show up at 8am - I'm a "backup juror". So I have to call at 11:30 to see if I have to go in this afternoon. I was supposed to work today so I kind of have a free day off, which I'm fine with. 

It's been a minute again since I've posted. There isn't anything much going on, I'm stable and happy, we're pretty boring . . . I always seem to post more when I'm not doing well. 

I guess the only exciting news is with Ayden - he was accepted to UCCS, which is his first choice in colleges. He'll be going into their psych program as he wants to be a therapist. Last Friday he got to tour the school and have lunch and a meet-and-greet with some of the academic advisors. I'm very proud of him. He's also been driving more since we bought him his own car. Which is great because, well, next year he'll be in college and there's no way we can drive him to and from classes. UCCS is about a 15 minute drive from our house which is very convenient. I believe Ayden is planning on living at home while he gets his degree to save some money (living in Colorado is freaking EXPENSIVE). We'll help him in whatever way we can.

As for my back pain, it's still there. Not as frequent, and not as bad, but I still get it. Wednesday will have been 3 weeks off of semaglutide so I guess I'll probably be going back to the doctor's office for imaging and physical therapy. Ugh. I was really hoping that it would go away. I don't think I'm going to start back up on the semaglutide though - it's been so nice not being nauseous all the time. I've actually been able to work out consistently these past 3 weeks which feels wonderful. I have however gained 3 pounds back. Annoying. Because my appetite is back with a vengeance. I feel hungry all the time, even after I've just finished eating. Which makes it really hard to eat less. I'm hoping the exercising will counteract the increase in calories so I don't gain more weight. I still want to lose another 20 pounds! Time will tell I guess.

Anyway, that's all for now. 

Wednesday 10/16/24 What a Pain

 Literally. A pain in my back. Ugh. Back pain sucks. It's been going on for around 4-5 months? Ever since I started semaglutide. It's not constant, thank God, but it hurts. It's mid back, from about T6-T11. A nagging ache that motrin and Tylenol don't touch. Laying down is the only thing that helps. It's worse at work and usually starts in the afternoon or evening and continues until I lay down to go to sleep. I'd rate it about a 5 on the pain scale. So I saw my doctor about it this morning and she wants me to stop the semaglutide for 3 weeks to see if the pain goes away. If not, then it's physical therapy and imaging. 

I'm a little nervous about stopping the semaglutide. I've lost 38 pounds on it so far. I was hoping to lose another 20. Without the semaglutide I'm worried about being able to do that. Of course, I had planned on stopping it when my current supply is gone (about a month and a week left) because I'm tired of the nausea all the time. So I'm just stopping sooner. I'll just need to be aware of how much I'm eating and continue with my new eating habits. And also work out consistently. I can do this. I know I can.

In other news, I got a new tattoo! Hooray! Finally! I got my Kitsune on my left forearm. It has 3 tails - one each for myself, Jeremy, and Ayden. With cherry blossoms and a lotus flower. I love it so much! I really wish I could get blogger to let me upload images but it just won't. I don't know why. I've tried everything I know to do. Oh well. Just know that it looks soooooo good! I posted pics on my Instagram, so I guess you could look there (@clparr82). 

Work is work. I thankfully haven't been charge every shift anymore. I've had some floor days and nursery days, which is lovely. So that's better. 

Anyhoo, that's all I guess.

Monday 9/9/24 Sick

 Sick. We've all been sick this past week and a half. It's been great fun. I didn't think one person could produce so much mucus, but here we are. I'm feeling better, mostly, still feel tired and run down, with a cough and runny nose and chest congestion. It started with Ayden, then Jeremy got sick, then me. I'm not enjoying this, to say the least. Oh well, life goes on.

There isn't anything else going on though. Work is work. I had to call in sick a day last week because of this cold. I was supposed to be nursery yesterday but ended up charge instead. Again. I'm so sick of being charge every single shift. It should start getting better this week - I'm scheduled on the floor the next two days I work, so . . . we'll see. 

My  weight loss has kind of stalled out at 30 pounds and I don't know how much longer I'm going to stay on the semiglutide. I'm tired of being nauseous all the time and gagging over everything (taking vitamins, drinking plain water, etc.). It's getting old. I was really hoping to lose another 20 pounds but I just don't know if that's going to happen. I definitely feel better where I'm at now than when I started - 30 pounds is a lot of weight! - but I still have a ways to go to be where I want to be. I don't know what my decision will be though. Time will tell I guess. 

That's all for now. I'm pretty boring.

Friday 8/23/24 Iced Coffee

 Iced coffee is the bomb diggity. I'm drinking some right now. I will almost never say no to an iced coffee - even in winter. 

Anyway, I am sore. I started lifting weights again this week and I probably did too much too soon. I haven't lifted weights in a long time (6, 7 months?) and I think I pushed myself a little too hard. I'm paying for it now. Oh well. I need to be consistently working out, and I need to be lifting weights. But I'll go a little easier on myself next week. I have, however, lost 30 pounds, which I'm pretty happy with. In a perfect world I'd lose another 20, but I'm getting tired of the constant nausea from the semaglutide. I'm not sure how much longer I'll stay on it.

I've found myself feeling blah lately. Not down or anything, just blah. No motivation, no inspiration, just a bump on a pickle. I don't like feeling this way but I can't seem to snap myself out of it. I don't know what I need. I know work isn't helping with this. I feel so exhausted on my days off that I don't accomplish much. We're short staffed every. Single. Day. And I'm fucking over it. And I'm charge. Every. Single. Shift. And I'm over that, too. I work this weekend and I'm  - surprise! - charge. And all next week too. I think the following week I start to do charge less. Thank god. But it's been miserable. Being constantly busy and constantly short staffed and constantly working my ass off. 

In other news, we booked our flights to Japan for next year. Very exciting stuff. This time we're flying straight from Denver to Tokyo - no layovers like last time, which will be nice. Last year we flew out of the Colorado Springs airport so we had to stop in Las Vegas before continuing on to LA, and then LA to Tokyo. On the way back was Tokyo to LA, LA to Phoenix, and Phoenix to Colorado Springs. Too many stops and chances of delayed flights (which Phoenix to Colorado Springs was delayed 3 hours). So yeah. This will be much nicer. Now we need to figure out our itinerary so we can book hotels. 

That's it for now.

Monday 5/13/24 Been a minute

 It's been a little bit since I last wrote. I'm at the end of having 8 days off in a row (it would have been 6 days but I had to call in sick one day, so 8). It's been nice. Really nice. Except for today I'm doing a bowel prep for a colonoscopy tomorrow morning. So much fun. So much. This is my first colonoscopy, just a routine one, because I'm the magical age of 45 and my doc wants me to have one. I have to drink the second half of my prep at 11pm tonight so I will literally be up all night pooping. Oy vey. Oh well, it'll be over soon. 

There really isn't anything much going on. I got a new truck - a 2017 Toyota Tacoma TRD Off Road. I love it. Her name is Betty. We traded in my 2009 Tacoma (Walter). It was time for an upgrade and Betty is fancy with all the bells and whistles. Walter was really starting to show his age (I think hubby thought he was ugly). And Betty only has 39,000 miles (Walter had 176,000). So that's fun!

We've been getting more into talking about our next trip to Japan, which is tentatively scheduled for next May/June. Going the same time of year as our first trip so it doesn't mess up school for Ayden (though I would prefer to go in October to see the fall colors). Only thing, we plan on staying in Osaka most of the time and in 2025 it's the World's Fair so it will probably be busier and more expensive. Don't know how that's going to work. We're debating on using a travel agent again to plan. I think that we should, just to be on the safe side with booking hotels, etc. (I'd have more peace of mind), but it does cost more money. I'd rather spend the extra though and not have any loose ends. We'll see. We're trying to figure out everything we want to do and see. We only spent 2 days in Osaka last time, hence spending more time there this time. There is a village north east of Tokyo (I think) that has tons of foxes and I would absolutely LOVE to visit it and see them. But it's quite a bit out of the way so I don't know if it will be feasible. We'll have to do more research. And we'll spend a day in Nara again to play with the deer (because I love them). Other than that everything is up in the air right now. 

On the weight loss front I'm still losing about 2 pounds a week. Which I keep telling myself is healthy, sustainable weight loss (I really wanted more dramatic results though). I just need to keep it up. I'll get there. I'm starting to see results in my tummy area, which is nice to actually see the change on me - not just the scale.

Anyway, that's it I guess.

Thursday 4/11/24 Biopsy

 Been a minute since I last posted. And nothing much is going on. I'm pretty damn boring. 

I had my biopsy done this past Tuesday and, well, it was pretty violent. No, seriously, it was. I was numbed up really well so I didn't feel anything but pressure. I had my head turned to the left as the biopsy was on the right side. Which means I could see the ultrasound. And I could see the needle being jammed in and out of my lymph node over and over again, just . . . repeatedly. Then the doc would take the needle out, pass it to a lab tech, and go back at it with a new needle. He did this for 4 needles. It looked so barbaric!! Thank GOD I was so numb!! My neck is so sore now. Luckily, I didn't bruise. My preliminary report came back with "normal morphology not consistent with lymphoma". So I'm guessing that's a good thing. I just have an enlarged lymph node for no good reason. I'm special like that. 

On the weight loss front, last night was my fourth injection, three weeks of tracking my weight loss, and I've lost 7 pounds. Just over 2 pounds a week. Not too shabby. I'm hoping this rate keeps up. I've had to find a happy medium between eating and feeling queasy. And also not feeling light headed. I don't really have an appetite and if I eat too much, or too frequently, I get queasy. But if I don't eat enough I feel weak and light headed. I haven't had much energy for exercise and, truth be told, I've felt pretty exhausted. The exhaustion may be a coincidence as I haven't been sleeping great for a few nights here and there, or maybe it's the decreased caloric intake. I'm not sure. Or a combo of the both, which seems pretty likely. 

I'm on my own as a charge nurse and I have no confidence in my abilities. Zero. I feel like an imposter. I'm sure as I do it more my confidence will build, but as of right now, I'm a fraud. I'm charge 2 days next week, like, literally throw me to the wolves. Hopefully I'll be fine. Hopefully they won't be shit days. I'm hoping I have time to build my confidence before I have a shit day. But you never can tell in nursing. 

Anyway, that's all really. Told you I was boring. 

Monday 3/25/24 Cold Again

 It's cold again here in Colorado. We had a big snow about a week, week and a half ago, then it got warm and it all melted. Well, now it's cold again. That's spring in Colorado though. I'm so ready for warmth and sunshine. I neeeeeeeed it!

Sooooo, what's been going on. Not a whole lot. I've had 2 days of charge nurse training (I have one more to go) and then I'm on my own. Work has been busy, annoyingly so. But that's job security I guess. I've worked every Sunday this month and I work Easter as well. Which is lame. Oh well. 

I had my physical a couple of weeks ago and two things happened: 1. my doc found a lump in my throat which she thought was a thyroid nodule. Had an ultrasound done and no, it's an enlarged lymph node. Which is apparently way too big, so I get to have it biposied. Fun times. And, 2. I started a weight loss medication. It's a once a week injectable (not Ozempic). I did my first injection last Wednesday. Thursday and Friday I was pretty nauseous, which is a common side effect of the medication. Which, of course, makes one not want to eat. After the nausea passed, however, I still don't want to eat. No appetite. And if I eat too much I get nauseous. And that, my friends, is how the medication works. You eat a whole lot less and don't really feel hungry. I decided to try the medication because I'm failing on my own at losing weight. I'm eating pretty healthy, a lot of whole foods, and working out and I'm either staying the same or actually gaining a pound or two. It's been frustrating. I'd like to lose anywhere from 40-60 pounds. I'm going to be weighing myself on Tuesdays and Fridays. Hopefully this helps. 

On a side note, in therapy we're working on my self-esteem/self-image and developing a healthy body image. My therapist isn't so sure that going on a weight loss drug is good for my self image. Because, what if it doesn't work? I'll blame myself, my self esteem will drop, I'll feel worse about myself, beat myself up, etc. I get where's she's coming from, I do. But, realistically, I need to lose weight. For my health, for my peace of mind, for my future mobility, for lots of reasons. So I'm taking the medication. And we'll go from there. I don't see her again for five and a half weeks or so and I'm hoping to have lost at least 10 pounds by then. That's 2 pounds a week - not so far fetched in my opinion. That's healthy weight loss. I'm going to keep eating healthy and working out, doing my part in the weight loss journey. Because I'm going to need to do that to keep off the weight after I stop the medication (I have 5 months of refills). 

So yeah. Hopefully I'll get used to the nausea (I've heard you do). I have ginger lozenges and tea to help me through it. And hopefully I'll lose weight. Fingers crossed. That's about all. Toodles! 

Thursday 7/13/23 A Little Bit Off

 I'm a little bit off today. I woke up at 5:30am wide awake. But it was 5:30 and I didn't want to be up yet, so I went back to sleep. Kind of. Then I woke up at 6:30 and was terribly groggy. So groggy that I didn't get out of bed until 7:15. And I just can't today. I'm not feeling it. It's safe to say that I'm feeling down. More than just blah, which is how I have been feeling the past few days. I couldn't get myself to workout or do anything really. I had part of a protein shake, a little bit of coffee, and then I laid down again, stared at the ceiling. Forced myself to get up and shower.

There are several reasons for feeling this way, I think. Let's start with my weight. I've been trying to lose weight, for quite some time now. Been doing Noom for about 5 months. And I've been stuck. Not losing anything for the whole time. Until getting back from Japan. I started losing. I lost about 7 pounds. Go me! No, not so much. I've gained back 5 of those pounds. Without eating more. My weight just creeps up. I lose a pound, gain it back the next day. I can't seem to just steadily lose weight and it's fucking frustrating. I don't know what to do. I have body image issues - always have - and this is making it worse. Making me feel like a failure. A big, fat failure. I'm trying not to think like this, I know it doesn't help, but after gaining weight again for the 4th day in a row . . . well, it's hard not to. 

Next, let's talk about work. Ahhhhh, work. I don't want to go. At all. Like, desperately don't want to go. I don't exactly know why. I'm not enjoying my job anymore. I'm burnt out. And so much is changing there, not for the better. We have all new upper management and the only thing they're concerned with is making money. There have been cutbacks and layoffs - when we're already often short staffed. But what do they care? The CEOs and CNOs need to get their hefty paychecks and bonuses. Screw the floor staff. We have to do more with less and it's just getting stupid. And our manager quit. She was awesome. She fought for us. And now she's gone. The 3 people that applied for it . . . well, none of them are that good. I'm worried what this means for our unit. And I can't leave - I'm stuck until at least December because I signed a 2 year contract for a bonus. And even if I could leave, where would I go? Other units have it worse than us. And going to a new facility means I'd probably have to work night shift which I physically and mentally can't do. So I really AM stuck. I dread going in. What kind of a shit show is it going to be today? I'm having a hard time connecting with patients because I so desperately don't want to be there. Which makes me even more miserable. The whole situation just sucks.

Lastly, let's talk about faith. I've been struggling in my faith. When I was baptized (what was that, 3 years ago?) I was excited. I felt like I knew what this faith thing was all about. It was comforting to me. But as time has gone on, not so much. It's like I can't quite put a finger on what I actually believe. The Catholic faith seems so suffocating now, and I never even considered myself a true Catholic. I'm more a a cafeteria Catholic - take what I like and leave the rest. But now I'm struggling with even that. Going to mass is a chore - one I don't want to do. I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it. My prayer life is sporadic at best. I pray - I do - but it feels so forced and false. I don't know how to pray. My prayers are images in my mind more than anything else. Which doesn't feel right. I don't know how to describe it. I haven't told anyone about this. Because I feel bad. I feel like a fake and a failure because my faith is wavering. I know Jeremy would tell me to try harder, read the bible more, pray more . . . the problem is I don't want to. And that makes me feel terrible. I know faith is important to Jeremy. Mass is important to him. Prayer is important to him. I feel like I'm letting him down. And that's a shitty feeling. 

All of this came to a head today and I'm not dealing with it all that well. I've felt like crying all day. The tears don't come but they're right there. I managed to draw a little today. I designed my next tattoo (or what I would really like to be my next tattoo). A kitsune. 

This is the only thing that has made me feel somewhat okay today. Drawing this. I want it on my left thigh. I just have to convince Jeremy to let me get it. We'll see. I love foxes and kitsune commemorate our trip to Japan. 

So yeah. All this crap. I have therapy today at 4. We're supposed to be focusing on my body image issues but I have this other stuff too. I don't know. I guess we'll see how it goes. 

Tuesday 1/3/22 Happy New Year

 I guess. 

Well, it's 2023. A new year is upon us. I guess it's time for new year's resolutions and whatnot, right? I'm not really big on resolutions, but I did make one for this year - I want to get in better shape so I'm not having difficulties walking around Japan in May/June. See, most of our transportation in Japan will be walking. I mean, we'll take the bullet train between cities, but mostly we'll be walking. A lot. People on a forum for Japan travelers averaged above 20,000 steps per day. I'm not used to that much walking. I'm out of shape. As of right now, I don't think my hips can take it. So I'm going to work to get my ass in shape. Which will be good for weight loss (duh) as I'd like to lose another 40-50 pounds. 

I started yesterday. Did legs at the gym. And boy are my legs sore today! Today (so far), I've done a wall Pilates session, and I plan on getting on my spin bike this afternoon. I also started a hypnotherapy program to help stop binge and emotional eating. I've done the first two sessions and we'll see I suppose. I don't feel as though I'm being "hypnotized", I just feel relaxed during the sessions. On the company's Facebook page people talk about falling asleep during the sessions. I definitely don't do that. Just feel relaxed. I'm hoping I still benefit from the sessions though (I've been binging and eating junk food like nobody's business the past two months. Ugh). 

As far as my mood has been . . . I've been okay, I guess. Mostly meh. Blah. Indifferent. I have periods where I feel better, but also periods where I feel down. But mostly I'm stuck at meh. No motivation or drive to do anything (which makes me worry about the whole exercising thing). I haven't painted or drawn anything in about 2 weeks. No inspiration, no motivation. So why bother? I have drawings that need to be painted, I just don't care to. Which really kind of sucks because normally art makes me happy. I just . . . don't have it in me right now. Hopefully that will change.

I have therapy this Thursday. I don't get to actually see Mike in person though - it'll be through Zoom. He had a medical procedure done that he hasn't quite healed from, so, Zoom. I'd much rather see him in person. Especially, again, since I'm worried about this being our last session. I worry about this with every session I have, but this time I'm especially worried. It's been 5 weeks since our last session and a lot of stuff has happened. I've been emotionally fragile because of all of this and I'm not sure I can handle this being our last session (the emotionally fragile thing sucks - I tear up at random things, almost crying over a commercial or something). I guess we'll see.

First though, I have to get through tomorrow. Tomorrow I work and it's going to be stupid busy. Three scheduled c-sections before 11am. And 5 or more inductions. My backup is Amy and God love her she is so slow. And there is no one else scheduled tomorrow who can do nursery. I'm worried she may call in sick and it will be just me. Like, losing sleep over it, worried. I feel so burned out at work I don't want to go anymore. I honestly considered using an FMLA day tomorrow until I saw that there was no one else who can do nursery. I can't leave someone hanging like that - I'd feel too guilty. I know how shitty it is to be nursery without any backup. It sucks. So I'm praying that Amy doesn't call in sick. I'm trying to plan out our morning in my head so that I'm prepared and don't start the day off in a bad mood. This is so stupid. I shouldn't have to do this. 

I guess that's enough bitching for today. I'm praying that tomorrow goes smoothly, that Thursday isn't my last session with Mike, and that I get my butt in gear and in shape.  

Wednesday 12/14/22 December

 Well, we're almost half way through December already, which is pretty crazy. Time sure is flying by. Before we know it it will be 2023 (which will hopefully be a better year).

I went to the doctor this morning as I've been having lower back pain. Only on the right, though. About where my kidney is and a little below that. I pretty much knew what he was going to say, but I still went. Annoying though is that my appointment was at 9:20 - fairly early morning - but he was already running 40 minutes behind. Ugh. My doc is always behind. He likes to take his time with patients - which is great - but it puts him far behind. Sometimes over an hour. Which is frustrating. So. What he said. 1. I need to wear better shoes, not my beloved Pumas, which are flat. 2. Arch support insoles in my shoes. 3. Lose weight (dude, I'm trying). And 4. Physical therapy. I'm not looking forward to physical therapy. Mainly because my insurance doesn't cover that much and it ends up being around $75 a visit. It gets expensive real quick. I'm hoping for like 2-3 visits where they can teach me the exercises and stretches and I can just do them at home. 

I ordered the insoles he recommended, which weren't, thankfully, expensive. And as for the weight loss . . . I'm trying. I really am. But I need to kick my efforts up a notch. I can't seem to get under 210. It's frustrating. I want to at least be down to 170, preferably 160. But I can't seem to get my weight to budge. For months now. If it changes it's because it's going up. I know I need to be more consistent with exercising, I know I could be eating better. It's just so freaking hard when I have no motivation. You'd think going to Japan would be enough motivation but I'm struggling. And it doesn't help that I've had several "bad mood" days this past week which makes doing anything that much more difficult. I haven't accomplished anything this week so far. No painting, no real cleaning, no working out, not even opening a book to read. I spent most of Monday in bed. I was supposed to work, was called off, and just stayed in bed. Worked yesterday. Today I feel like doing nothing except taking a nap. I have no energy. I know I'd feel better if I accomplished something . . . I just don't know if I will. Damn my self-sabotaging self. 

I really have nothing left to say this week. Hopefully I'll get my ass in gear.  

Wednesday 11/23/22 Tomorrow is Thanksgiving

 Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and that's pretty crazy. November has gone by so quickly. Soon it will be Christmas and not too long after that - Japan (well, 5 months after, still that's not too long). 

We're not doing much for Thanksgiving, going to my mother-in-law's house. Brother-in-law will be there too (of course he will be - they live together). We're bringing green beans and dessert - a pumpkin cheesecake (don't go thinking I'm all fancy baking and whatnot - we got it at Costco). A very low key evening. 

What am I not doing this Thanksgiving? Seeing my mom. For which I am grateful. I don't want to. I don't feel like being angry and annoyed and embarrassed all day. Who would? Sadly, we're apparently seeing her the week after (bummer). She wants to get together and go out for dinner with my brother and his wife. As of yet we haven't decided on a day. Maybe she'll forget about it and we won't have to see her (fingers crossed). I know. I know that's a horrible thing to think. I'm well aware of that and it fills me with guilt. But every time we get together she's drunk (doesn't matter what time of day it is) and I feel like the little girl I used to be - angry, ashamed, abandoned, embarrassed. I hate it. I hate it. Which is why I don't even want to talk to my mom, let alone see her. 

But I digress. 

I weighed myself this morning and I lost almost 2 pounds this week. I've worked out every day so far and I'm having tea at night instead of dessert. Go me! I started doing yoga on Monday. I downloaded an app that customized a beginner's yoga program for me. I'm enjoying it so far. Each session is around 15-20 minutes long. I'm going to try my best to get up early on the days I work and do it too. We'll see how that works out (because I like my sleep). 

I've seen the chiropractor twice in the past week for some lower back pain. The pain has been going on for about 5 weeks - right over my right kidney. At first I truly thought that maybe I had kidney stones, except I don't have burning or blood tinged urine. So I've been stretching, icing, chiropractor . . . it still hurts. Finally decided to call the doctor and the earliest I can get in is December 14th. Which, let's be honest, is dumb. They told me if I get any other symptoms to go to an urgent care. Hopefully I won't need to do that. 

Not this weekend, but next weekend is my first craft fair. I'm excited/nervous about it. Kind of dreading it almost. What if I don't sell anything? That'll be a hit to my ego. And it will be a loooooong weekend. I work Friday and Monday, craft fair Saturday and Sunday. No down time (the fair is from 9-4). I'll have to go get everything set up after work on Friday night. Ugh. Not looking forward to that. Oh well, it'll be an experience. 

That's about it, I guess. Everything that's going on. So much fun.

Thursday 11/17/22 Ugh

 Why ugh?

Because I feel gross. I've been super bloated and gassy as of late and I'm slowly gaining weight. All things that are BAD. They are NOT GOOD. I haven't been terribly active, nor have I been eating well, so this is all my own doing, but damn. I need to accept the fact that sugary things make me bloat and feel gross and I need to stop eating them. But it's so freaking hard - they taste so good! 

I'm back up to 211lb. What the actual fuck. This is ridiculous. At my heaviest I weighed 240 - I lost 40lb on my own and was down to 198 . . . but now I'm back at 211. And I can't stand it. I hate seeing myself in pictures - I look so bad. So fat. And I just feel gross and bad. I'm sick of this. I need to get in shape - we're going to be mainly walking everywhere when we go to Japan in May, if I stay this out of shape I'm going to have problems keeping up, getting around. I mean, I'm seeing the chiropractor today because my hips have been bothering me (probably my excess weight and lack of movement). 

I need to make a big change. I'm at my tipping point, much like I was at when I was 240. I think I can do this. But I need to get  my butt in gear. Which is hard when, even though my mood has been decent, I still have no motivation for anything. I seem to do better exercising in the afternoon, but I feel so lazy and tired and drained and have a hard time doing anything. It's like I hit this hard slump after lunch. If I'm not at work I typically take a nap (it doesn't help that I haven't been sleeping the greatest the past few weeks). And after the nap I feel too lazy to do anything. And that's really it - I'm too lazy. I need to be more active. I'm going to strive to be more active. 

Now about my diet . . . it needs a complete overhaul. I need to be eating more plants. Less refined sugar. I have a hard time with cravings. Especially at work. If there's junk around (and there usually is), I eat it. And not just a little bit - oh no. It's like I'm compelled to eat, to stuff my face to discomfort. I hate that I do this but I can't seem to stop. I know that I'm an emotional eater. And that I eat when I'm bored or stressed. I really need to take steps to remedy this, I'm just not sure what those steps are. I've looked into a couple of eating coaches, but holy COW are they expensive! Thousands of dollars! I can't afford that right now. I was hoping that as my mood improved I would emotionally eat less - that's not the case. I'm eating just as much. And yes, it's affecting my mood. Because I beat myself up every time I overeat or stress or emotionally eat. My body feels gross, so so does my mind. 

I ordered some berberine supplements to try and help control my appetite. And some chlorella and collagen to help with my hair loss (another thing that eats away at my self esteem). I can pull most of my hair in a pony tail now (I've been growing it out from a pixie cut), and I can see thinning patches when I do this. My hair is already fine to begin with, but with the hair loss . . . well, it's not good. Other supplements I've tried haven't helped, but they were all biotin based. I already take a biotin supplement with my multivitamin, so extra biotin probably isn't going to do much. So chlorella. And collagen. And maybe if I can get my diet better that will help too. 

This post is so vain sounding. But I know that if I feel good physically it helps me feel good mentally. So I need to get my butt in gear. Get back into exercising. Eat healthier. Less refined sugar and carbs (which, self, make you bloat and feel gross anyway - why do you keep eating them??). So that's where I'm at.

Thursday 9/15/22 Therapy

 I had therapy today and it was basically me crying the whole time. Seriously. And I cried this morning and while driving and after therapy when I got home. Crying is my thing today. My head hurts and my eyes are swollen and sting. Really the only time I wasn't crying was while I volunteered this morning. And even then it was touch and go.

In therapy Mike and I talked about his retirement. And how I move on. Because this is a loss I have to grieve and I'm certainly in no position to grieve a loss right now. But we talked about it and that was helpful. He has another therapist in mind for me, one with his group, and he wants to ease me into working with her. And I'm perfectly okay with that. 

Man I wish I could stop crying.

I had to call in sick yesterday because of how bad I've been. Constant crying and anger. Legit uncontrolled rage. And then I cry over that. I'm so sick of feeling this way. It needs to stop because I can't handle it. I can't keep doing this. I see Mike again in 2 weeks. I told him I would try and wear regular clothes (I wore jammie pants and a t-shirt today). 

In other news, I've been painting quite a bit, both paintings and bookmarks. I'm going to have a booth at a craft fair in December so I need inventory! I challenged myself to NOT paint anything depressing. So I've been painting scenery mostly, along with some animals. Nothing depressing so far. Go me. Sometimes painting helps calm me. It helps me to forget for a short time just how crappy I feel.

In addition to crippling depression and rage, I've lost my appetite. Nothing sounds good. I have to force myself to eat because I really don't care if I do or not. I lost 4 pounds this week, just because I'm not eating. I know this isn't good, I know I need to eat. I'm getting dizzy and light headed because of lack of calories. But I just don't care. Preparing food is too much work. It's too overwhelming. And nothing sounds good. At all. 

It's been a really rough, difficult week. I have a tattoo consult tomorrow and that's like my only thing to look forward to. I need things to look forward to to keep me going. 

That's where I'm at. And it sucks.

 

Monday 12/13/21 It's Monday

 It's Monday, the start of a new week. Ain't that grand?

Yeah, whatever.

Although my mood isn't complete shit today, which is nice. To be honest, my mood hasn't been complete shit for a few days, maybe 4 or 5. I haven't broken down, my anger has been a little less intense, and I don't completely hate life and myself. Maybe that's an improvement. Fingers crossed.

I am, however, flat and empty and withdrawn. This has been my steadfast state for the past month and a half (peppered with some shitty days of sobbing and feeling dark). This anhedonia is really and truly unpleasant. It's the slow erosion of self. Because I don't feel. I'm just floating along, going through the motions of life, trying to appear normal. Trying to interact. Trying to accomplish things. And mostly failing. Although I think I've perfected my fake laugh. Not that that's a real plus. 

I worked yesterday and two people I adore were working as well. Good friends I've known for a long time. So I figured work would be better. I don't know if it helped or not. Fake laugh, fake smile (which you can't see because we wear masks, of course), and fake interactions. People are noticing that I'm more quiet. A few have mentioned it. I brush it off as being tired. I have to lie to stay afloat. I don't want people to know that I'm struggling. So I smile and laugh all the while feeling dead inside.

 I did open up to my friend Tracy. I've known her for over 20 years. Told her how I was feeling and she offered support, which is nice. I hate sharing how I'm feeling with my good friends because I don't want to be a burden. I feel like I've failed them because I'm depressed again. I didn't really get a chance to talk with Beth, my other friend who was working yesterday. It was a pretty busy day and we never had time. She knows a little bit, just not everything. 

Like my eating. Which I'm really not. I have no appetite. At all. Nothing sounds good, everything seems like too much work, and I don't feel like eating. Now don't get me wrong - I get hungry. Physically hungry. I just don't want to eat anything. I force myself to, but I'm not eating much. Not as much as I should be. I lost four pounds in three days. I haven't weighed myself again to see if I've lost more. And somehow this isn't concerning to me. To be honest, I'm almost embracing it. Normally when I get depressed I eat comfort food, junk food, chocolate. I easily gain weight. And now I'm losing. So yeah, it may not be healthy but I'm embracing this. I know Tracy was worried about it, I'm sure hubby Jeremy is worried about it. I have a feeling my therapist is worried about it . . . but I'm not. 

I had a protein shake for breakfast - a whopping 110 calories. I'll probably have one for lunch. For dinner I'm making chicken fettuccini alfredo (we'll see how much of that I eat). I plan on going to the gym this afternoon to lift weights so I'll probably force myself to eat a protein bar beforehand. And I did the spin bike for 20 minutes this morning. Maybe not so healthy. Maybe this will become a problem. I don't know. But I'm not worried about it. 

I'm going to try not to nap today. This whole week actually. I've been spending so much time napping it's ridiculous. It's my escape from not feeling. I'm going to read instead. Maybe that's not the most productive use of my time, but if it keeps me awake . . . Because I have no motivation to do anything creative. Not draw or paint or sew. Reading is about all I can do. And even then I struggle. My mind wanders, I find it hard to concentrate. But I'm going to try.

In other news, I did my first confession on Saturday morning. I made an appointment with Fr Baron, our priest, so he could walk me through the process. I was nervous going in but I had no need to be. Fr Baron is so easy to talk to and nice and genuine and it was a very positive experience. I don't know why I waited so long! So now I have that under my belt. Go me!

That's it for today. That's all I got.  

Thursday 11/11/21 Ugh

 I'm really getting sick of my lack of motivation. Today is my 4th day off in a row (lucky me, right?) and I haven't accomplished anything! I made a sock rat yesterday and did laundry. Woohoo. Go me. Otherwise I've done nothing. It's frustrating. I need to suck it up and force myself to do stuff but it seems I just can't. I go downstairs to my office and sit and stare and do nothing. I have no inspiration for artwork and I can't bring myself to sew. I have a sink full of dirty dishes that sits there, mocking me. I need to dust and clean the bathrooms. But I don't. I have a drawing of a fox I need to paint. But I don't. I have the pattern pieces cut out for a soul sucker, I just need to sew it. But I don't. I can't stand this. 

I'm feeling more depressed again today. I don't want to use that word. Depressed. But it is what it is. I could say I'm feeling down, but that doesn't quite cover the apathy and the fatigue and the brain fog. I think I'm heading into another episode. I don't want to jump the gun saying this. I don't want to catastrophize or overthink this. But I can't deny that overall I'm feeling more melancholy. My thoughts are straying more and more towards the dark. I'm not finding the joy in little things. I'm not feeling happy or content. I'm feeling lost. I feel like I'm starting to struggle to keep my head above water. For a while - a long while - I was on the pier, my toes just brushing the water. But I've fallen in and I'm struggling to stay afloat. I'm not just gently treading water - oh no. And while I may not be violently thrashing about, quickly losing my air, I am struggling. I'm working hard. I'm looking for a life vest. I need something to hold on to. 

Work, I know, is a big contributor to how I'm feeling right now. Because I'm burnt out and overwhelmed. Because if we're not crazy busy we're floating to other units. And because the higher ups don't seem to care. Nobody does. I got a text last night asking for nurses to come to work today. So we're either really busy or there were several sick calls - or both. I work the next 3 days so I declined. Working four 12 hour shifts in a row is not good for my mental health. And I felt so freaking guilty for not going in today. The guilt eats away at me. But I know I would be worse off if I had gone in. It's a catch 22. Work and be miserable, don't work and be miserable. I have to opt for what will make me the least miserable. And today it was not working. 

And there's something else bothering me. Something that's so remote and so, honestly, stupid that I don't even want to write about it. But I'm going to. Because I need to. Here goes. We're planning a trip to Japan in a couple of years. My son desperately wants to go. He adores Japanese culture and is hooked on anime and manga. So hubby and I decided we would take him there hopefully for his 16th birthday. And, quite honestly, I'm terrified of this trip. I'm terrified of everything about it. The ridiculously long flight, the jet lag, the culture shock, the language barrier, the food . . . everything. It seems so daunting and scary and hard. I keep reminding myself that I can do hard things . . . but this seems like it's too much for me to handle. It's the trip of a lifetime and I'd almost rather not go. Because not going would be easier. Because not going is less scary. I hate this. I try my best to not even think about the trip, but the seed is there, in the back of my mind, festering. I'm sure this is contributing to my overwhelm. As stupid as it seems. 

I also feel like I'm in a major rut with life in general. I don't really do anything. We used to have friends over for games and dinners all the time. We'd go out with friends and do things. And now . . . we don't. The friends we used to hang with abandoned us when I was at my worst. The friends I have now, my two good friends, well, we don't really do anything. Get coffee every once in awhile, but that's it. We see each other at work and text each other . . . but that's all we do. And it kinda sucks. Hubby has some friends from church, but not ones we do anything with. It just feels like I should be doing more. And I'm not. 

And on top of all this - the icing on the cake - is that recently I haven't been enjoying my art or sewing. It feels stagnant. It feels not good enough. It feels forced. Imposter syndrome maybe. They say all artists have it to some extent. Well, count me in. Which is probably one of the reasons I have no motivation to create. I don't feel that my stuff is good enough. So why bother? 

Oh, and while I'm at this long drawn out dump of everything bothering me, I might as well talk about my weight. Overall I've lost 22 pounds. Something to be proud of, right? Well, I'm not. Because I fell off the wagon. I've all but given up. I have no motivation to workout. I'm finding it difficult to count and follow my macros. And I hate myself for this. I've dusted myself off. I'm trying again. But my overall apathy makes it hard to get anything done. I need to lose more weight. For my health. For my sanity. I weigh 218 pounds and I want to at least get down to 180. That's a LOT more weight to lose. And it seems daunting and impossible to do. And I beat myself up every chance I get. If I have a treat or a snack. If I don't workout. If I eat something unhealthy. You think it would motivate me. But no, it stagnates me. I feel worse, so I eat worse. I feel worse, so I don't work out because I don't think I deserve it. 

This post sucks. I need to change my mindset for the better. I need to flood myself with positivity. I need to eat healthy and workout. I need to take time off from work. I need to do something. I'll get there. Eventually. I always do. One foot in front of the other. Right? Right. 

Tuesday 7/6/21 Well, I did something . . .

 So yeah. As the title states, I did something. Something I think I'm going to be proud of. Something that I think is going to help me immensely. Something . . . that my hubby doesn't know about yet. Oops. So this thing I did, what is it? Well, I joined a  training program called Warrior Babe Blueprint. It is a program that will teach me how to eat appropriately for my body type to lose weight, gain muscle, and then maintain what I achieve. It's a program that is set up much like my Mental and Emotional Mastery program was set up (which, I might add, I excelled at). It's a series of learning modules that I go through at my own pace. I'll learn about macros and what to eat when, how to measure my food accurately (instead of just eyeballing it like I do now). I'll learn which cardio and strength training exercises are best suited to my body type and my goals. I'll learn how to take control of my body and make it into what I want. It will help me eat better, sleep better, be better. I'll have more energy and hopefully won't need my customary afternoon nap (pretty much every day I'm off I nap - not because I want to, but because I don't feel like I can't function without one). I am super excited to start this program!! I signed up today. The only problem is the cost - it's not cheap. But I'm looking at this as a major investment in myself. I invested in myself last year when I did Mental and Emotional Mastery, I'm investing in myself this year by doing this. I'm worth it. And the program comes with tons of support from nutrition and fitness coaches every step of the way. For life. I can use this program and the support of coaches for life. That's huge. This is a lifestyle change. A lifestyle change for the better. I'm going to get healthy and strong. I'm going to excel. I am going to do this!!

Anyway, there isn't much of anything else going on. Work and sleep and sleep and work. I worked the 4th of July, which I figured would be a nice, chill day. It wasn't. I did 7 deliveries. It was busy. One, for a Sunday, but then especially for a holiday Sunday! I definitely earned my time and a half. I worked yesterday too and it was just as dumb. And the vibe was off yesterday. It just seemed like a weird day. But I'm off today and the next 2 days, so that's nice (I plan on starting my new program tomorrow - power through the learning!). 

That's all for today. Keep it pretty short.

Tuesday 6/22/21 Two Weeks

 Wow. It's been two weeks since my last post. I meant to blog last week but just didn't get around to it. Maybe because there's nothing much exciting going on.

Work is still busy and we're back to mandatory floating again. Which sucks. I hate floating to other units. But the whole hospital is busy. In fact, most days we're at capacity. On all units. And there have been a lot of psych patients apparently because our nurses and CNAs are floating to be "sitters" (you basically "sit" in the patient's room and watch them if they're a risk to themselves or others). Great fun. Ugh. But you do what you gotta do I guess. It just sucks. 

My brain is still being an asshole on occasion. If I'm busy I seem to do okay. But when I have downtime I tend to trend downwards. I've had a couple days where I've been pretty down. Depressive symptoms. Which really annoys me. I'm fighting it as much as I can because I don't want to lose my foothold on stability. So I fight it. And sometimes fighting it means taking a nap. Sometimes I need to escape. 

I saw my psychiatrist today, I haven't seen him in 7 months. He's very happy with how well I'm doing. We're not changing any of my meds and I'll see him again in 6 months (sooner, of course, if I need to, but I'm hoping I don't). Being on the Wellbutrin I'm still having trouble peeing. I can pee, it just takes me a couple of minutes to start going sometimes (usually worse at night). Dr. M said that now I know what it feels like to be an old man with an enlarged prostate! Yes, I guess I can sympathize now. Ha! We had a good laugh over that. Although, that's something I'd rather not sympathize with . . .

Aaaaaand, I'm getting my next tattoo July 23rd! Hooray!! I'm so excited! I'm seeing a new artist (my old one can't be bothered to call me back). He's a little more pricey but I think he'll be worth it. His work is amazing. Soon I'll have a little chickadee on my forearm. I can't wait! I wish I was getting it sooner, but I guess I can wait a month (I really have no choice . . . ). 

On the weight loss front I seem to be stuck where I'm at. Nineteen pounds lost. I had started a new plan called G Plans and since I've been following it I haven't lost any weight. It's very frustrating. It has me eating quite a bit of food. Too much I think. I know it's supposed to "ignite my fat burning potential", but now I'm just stuck. For two weeks now. I'm thinking I might stray off of it and do what I was doing before - modified paleo diet, cutting refined carbs and sugars, and watching my calories. Admittedly, I need to move more. In some manner I need to be working out. I still haven't started my yoga app and I've slipped behind on my face yoga. Last week I did however use my spin bike twice. It's a start. I'll get there. I know I will. One way or another.  

Tuesday 6/1/21 I Got Nothing

 It's hard to believe it's June already. It certainly doesn't feel like it - 1. because May went by so quickly, and, 2. the weather has been chilly and rainy most of May so it doesn't feel like summer. But here it is, June 1st. Hubby turns 44 in two days. Haha! He's old! But then, so am I. 

It's also kind of weird that I have nothing much to talk about. There isn't much going on. We had a garage sale this past Saturday which - surprise - got rained out. We're selling all of our Halloween decorations. All of them. There's a lot. We've sold a decent percentage but there's still more to go. Quite a bit more to go. Ugh. Eventually we'll sell them all. 

As of Saturday I've lost 19 pounds. Go me! This is a huge accomplishment for me. And all of this is just from changing my eating habits - I haven't been to the gym in about a month and a half. Crazy. I'm changing that this week. I'm going to get my butt moving again. In fact, I downloaded a yoga app on my phone and I'm going to start using it. And lifting weights. And doing cardio. I'll probably have to start slow, but that's okay. As long as I'm moving. 

I've almost got hubby convinced to let me get my tattoo . . . I got an extra $200 from work for picking up extra days (as a thank you from my boss), so I need about $400 more, to be on the safe side. I told him it could be an early birthday gift for me :D So we'll see. Hopefully I'll be able to get it this summer. 

In other news, I was called off today from work which is very nice. I have lots of PTO to kill - I have as much as I can have and I can't accrue more until I use some. I like getting paid to sit at home. Though I am a little bored . . . oh well. Go to the gym this afternoon and maybe get on the spin bike. 

That's about it. There's nothing new or exciting going on.

The End.

Tuesday 5/18/21

My computer is annoying me. Every 2-3 minutes a virus protection warning pops up, urging me to purchase antivirus software. STOP IT!!!!

Anyway, it's Tuesday and I've got nothing going on. I slept in, took my son to school, had a chiropractor appointment, and then went to my mother-in-law's house to stay with her while my brother-in-law went to the gym and to the store. So yeah, my mother-in-law, E, is home. She was discharged from the hospital on Saturday afternoon and is now home and doing fairly well. Although she doesn't like having to have people take care of her. My brother-in-law, S, took a couple of weeks off to be home with her and to help her get around. I'm not sure what we'll do when the two weeks are up. If E can't get around by herself (like to the bathroom and such) I really don't know what we'll do. Hubby and I both work full time so it's not like we can stay over with her all the time. I hope to God that she's more mobile and independent in a couple of weeks. 

In other news, we're looking to buy a new car. Hubbs wants a Toyota Venza and I agree, they're nice (especially the new ones!). Sadly, we cannot afford a new one, so used it is! We found one yesterday that looked real nice, drove real nice, and we negotiated a good price . . . only to find out that the undercarriage is completely rusted out. Darn it!! So it was a no go. Still looking. 

Yesterday was also our anniversary. We've been married for 18 years, together for 21! Holy crap can you believe it??? It doesn't seem like it's been that long, but it has been. Crazy. We spent the day car shopping and being let down by the rusty Venza. Went out to dinner to Red Robin and my tummy hated me for that. We ordered their tower of onion rings - which is delicious - but my tummy no longer seems to handle junk food well. By the end of our meal I was in pain. Bloated, gassy, cramping. I went to bed early and was horribly uncomfortable laying down because of the cramping and bloat. Ugh. So much for junk food I guess. I get the same way when I eat something sweet - like cookies or donuts and whatnot. Which, let's be honest, kind of sucks. I want to be able to eat junk food every once in a while but my tummy says no. So no fried or greasy foods or sweets. Bummer. Oh well, maybe it will help me lose weight and be healthier.