Tuesday 10/28/25 I'm making an appearance

 I really rarely write anymore, have you noticed? Probably not - I have like one or two people who look at my blog I think. But yeah, it's been since July, right? And it's the end of October. Holy cow. Time really flies.

Things are pretty status quo. My cousin Johnny got married the begining of October. We (hubby, son, and I) flew out to California for the wedding. We stayed only a long weekend, Friday through Monday. It was quite lovely though. Johnny got married at my other cousin's gourd farm (my cousin Jaime owns Welburn Farms - the largest gourd farm in the US). We stayed at the house on Jaime's ranch with my uncle, his wife, and my aunt. It was great to see family. We rented a car while out there and we paid for an upgraded car, because why not? We got a Maseratti. Yep. A Maseratti. We thought we were pretty hot stuff at first. But then we had to google how to turn on the headlights because we couldn't figure it out. WTF. And my cousin Jaime's ranch is in a canyon near Temecula. In this canyon you lose cell service. For the entire canyon area. When we were leaving to head back to San Diego on Sunday EVERY warning light came on in the car. Here we were, in this remote canyon wothout cell service, and the car going haywire. It was very concerning. We didn't stop until we reached Temecula (what if we stopped and the car wouldn't start again? We'd have MILES of walking to reach cell service). Stopped at a McDonalds and turned the car off. Started it again and it thankfully started back up. But with the check engine light on. Like, seriously. This car is a year old. WTF. So we drove the hour and a half back to San Diego and returned it, complained, and they refunded us a day's worth of fees. It was a little stressful. I don't recommend getting a Maseratti. 

Work. Ahhhh, work. It sucks. We've been so fucking busy. Every shift that I'm charge we're stupid busy and short staffed. Every. Single. Time. I'm so over it. And the one thing I really like about my job - nursery, where I attend deliveries - is being taken from us. Namely, those of us on mom/baby who do nursery. It is going to be transeferred to the labor nurses (who don't want to do it). Which royally sucks. It's going to take time - like a year or so - as we have to train the labor nurses how to take care of babies, but this really sucks. So that, coupled with how busy we are, makes me question if I want to stay working there. I'm pretty burnt out at the moment. I've been doing my job for 17 years. I'm fucking good at it. But I'm not sure I want to do it anymore. Which is terrifying. New is scary. And I'm limited with what I can do. Moving elsewhere in the hospital means going to night shift, which I physically and mentally can't do. I could do an out patinet surgery center. Several of our nurses have left to do this and relaly like it. However, that would be a massive pay cut (think $20 or more an hour). We can't really afford that. A coworker suggested doing preop/postop in my hospital, which I guess I could do. I don't want to be in the OR though - surgeons are dick wads. So I have no idea. Everything is up in the air right now. I don't want to lose nursery, I don't want to do charge, and I feel stuck. I don't know what to do. I'll figure it out eventually. Hopefully.

Weight loss. A little over a year ago I was on semaglutide. I lost around 35 pounds but was sick and lightheaded all the time. So I stopped it and gained all the weight back, rather rapidly. Well, I'm back on semaglutide, a low dose. I've lost 13 pounds. The weight loss is much slower than the first time, around .5-1 pound a week. Sustainable weight loss. Which is what I want. So I'm less likely to gain it back when I go off of it. With a smaller dose I'm much less nauseous, much less lightheaded. So, hopefully I'll continue to slowly lose weight and then be able to keep it off (because I don't want to be on it long term - it's expensive!).

My son is in college, doing well, and trying to put in place the steps needed for him to trnasfer to a school in Osaka, Japan in a couple of years. We'll see how that goes. I think he very much has rose colored glasses on right now. But he really wants to do it, so, more power to him. We'll help him with what we can. No transitioning yet, I think he may be having second thoughts. Which is fine by us, whatever makes him happy. He hasn't really wanted to talk about it. 

So anyway, that's about it. Pretty boring stuff, I know. I'm a boring person. And I'm okay with that.   

Monday 7/28/25 Two months, damn

 It's been over 2 months, actually. Kind of crazy. And just goes to show that I have nothing to really write about. In the past, the more depressed I was, the more I was struggling, the more I would write. And now . . . well, now I'm doing so well. Writing about regular life seems so mundane, so boring. Because it kind of is. Like, we went to Japan again - and that was AWESOME - but there's not much else going on. I'm trying to work out consistently, eat healthier, do yoga (which I truly do love), and keep stress levels down.

My son, who you may or may not remember came out as trans, is not yet transitioning. Some days he dresses a little more femininely, some days more masculine, but he's the same kid regardless. He's working pretty much full time, saving money for - get this - school in Japan. He's going to go to Pikes Peak State College for a year or two and then he hopes to transfer to a university in Osaka, Japan. This came as a shock to hubs and I, but I mean, if he really wants it then more power to him. Might as well do it while you're young and without a ton of obligations. 

Other than that everything is status quo. Work is work. I was actually supposed to work today but was put on stand by (and have yet to be called off or called in). So I'm just chilling. Worked out, read a bit, going to maybe draw some . . . boring stuff. But, boring is good. Because it means I'm doing good. No news is good news, right?

Tuesday 5/13/25 Been a bit again

 It's been 2 months since I last wrote. Surprisingly, not much has happened in the last 2 months. 

My son got a job, and sometimes he wears makeup to work. It's getting less weird to see him in makeup. We're still using male pronouns for now though I think this will change in the near future. I think that when we get back from vacation he's going to see a doctor and start hormone therapy. And I think when we start seeing changes in him that it will be a little more difficult to deal with. Because right now everything is status quo except for the occasional makeup wearing. It's easy to forget that he's transgender. But with hormone therapy that will change. And I see myself struggling with this a little more (as well as my hubby). But, time will tell.

We leave next week for Japan, the day after son graduates. That's another weird thing - he's graduating high school. It's crazy. He's a literal adult now. And I'm proud of him. He's such a good kid. We'll have his graduation party when we get back from Japan (I'm hoping people actually come - most of family lives out of town). 

So yeah. Big trip, second time to Japan. It'll be so nice to get away and not worry about work or normal day to day things. We have a lot planned, including a trip to Mount Fuji (which we didn't get to see last time). Go karts in the streets of Osaka, the World Fair, a sumo dinner experience . . . it'll be fun. And probably exhausting. But that's okay. 

I don't really have much else to report on right now. Maybe, when we get back, I can figure out how to post photos on here since as of right now that function isn't working. We'll see.  

Thursday 8/8/24 Stuff and Stuff

 Well, it's been a while again since I've written. There's nothing too exciting going on, at least not today. I went to the DMV to get custom plates for my new truck - they'll say ICKYDOG. I'm excited for them. And the DMV surprisingly didn't take long and wasn't nearly as expensive as I thought it would be, so yay! And I'm doing laundry, so much fun.

We did, however, go to California last week to visit my family (my grandma and uncle). It was a short trip (4 days) but was lovely. We stayed with my Uncle and aunt and saw 2 of my cousins and spent lots of time with my grandma (who isn't doing the greatest). We also went to Newport Beach and Little Tokyo (in LA), and got Ayden a haircut in LA (which looks good). It was a busy 4 days but it was nice to be gone from regular life for a bit. And always nice to see family.

Work is still work. I'm charge every shift and that's annoying. But there's not much I can do about that right now. Hopefully that will get better by the end of August. We're still busy and we're still short staffed. It is what it is, I guess.

My mood, however, is doing a little better. Not as much existential dread or irritability, which is good. Maybe our quick trip helped with that. 

I still can't get photos to upload here. I can view my images, but can't get them to upload. It's very annoying. So again, no artwork today.

Monday 5/13/24 Been a minute

 It's been a little bit since I last wrote. I'm at the end of having 8 days off in a row (it would have been 6 days but I had to call in sick one day, so 8). It's been nice. Really nice. Except for today I'm doing a bowel prep for a colonoscopy tomorrow morning. So much fun. So much. This is my first colonoscopy, just a routine one, because I'm the magical age of 45 and my doc wants me to have one. I have to drink the second half of my prep at 11pm tonight so I will literally be up all night pooping. Oy vey. Oh well, it'll be over soon. 

There really isn't anything much going on. I got a new truck - a 2017 Toyota Tacoma TRD Off Road. I love it. Her name is Betty. We traded in my 2009 Tacoma (Walter). It was time for an upgrade and Betty is fancy with all the bells and whistles. Walter was really starting to show his age (I think hubby thought he was ugly). And Betty only has 39,000 miles (Walter had 176,000). So that's fun!

We've been getting more into talking about our next trip to Japan, which is tentatively scheduled for next May/June. Going the same time of year as our first trip so it doesn't mess up school for Ayden (though I would prefer to go in October to see the fall colors). Only thing, we plan on staying in Osaka most of the time and in 2025 it's the World's Fair so it will probably be busier and more expensive. Don't know how that's going to work. We're debating on using a travel agent again to plan. I think that we should, just to be on the safe side with booking hotels, etc. (I'd have more peace of mind), but it does cost more money. I'd rather spend the extra though and not have any loose ends. We'll see. We're trying to figure out everything we want to do and see. We only spent 2 days in Osaka last time, hence spending more time there this time. There is a village north east of Tokyo (I think) that has tons of foxes and I would absolutely LOVE to visit it and see them. But it's quite a bit out of the way so I don't know if it will be feasible. We'll have to do more research. And we'll spend a day in Nara again to play with the deer (because I love them). Other than that everything is up in the air right now. 

On the weight loss front I'm still losing about 2 pounds a week. Which I keep telling myself is healthy, sustainable weight loss (I really wanted more dramatic results though). I just need to keep it up. I'll get there. I'm starting to see results in my tummy area, which is nice to actually see the change on me - not just the scale.

Anyway, that's it I guess.

Tuesday 6/13/23 Back from Japan

 It's been almost a month since I last wrote. Wow. Time flies . . .

The big news is that we're back from Japan. We got in late Saturday night (just before midnight). We had almost 24 hours of travel time with flights and layovers. We were exhausted and went straight to bed (and were exhausted enough to actually get a little bit of sleep - something I've lacked the past 2 nights). Sunday morning before we left to pick Moya (our dog) up from the pet sitter's we discovered that our pipes had backed up downstairs (both in the bathroom and utility room). Joy. Poop water everywhere. So whilst driving to get Moya we had to find an emergency plumber to come out to the house (which one did and a quick snaking of our pipes fixed the problem - apparently not flushing your toilets for over 2 weeks can cause this). Sunday was a long day. We had to grocery shop as we had no food in the house, which took way longer than it should have. Mainly because we spent almost 2 hours at Costco trying out and then purchasing a fancy massage chair (man I wish we had the chair already - 4-6 weeks). It was just a long day with jet lag. 

Yesterday we ran errands and otherwise did not really relax. Sunday night into Monday I got maybe 3 hours of sleep and last night I got around 2 hours. My body is still on Japan time and I couldn't fall asleep last night. And I got up 5 times in 3 hours to pee. I don't know what the hell my body is thinking. It's confused as hell. I go back to work tomorrow but I don't know how I'm going to function if I don't get any sleep. 

Anyway. The trip. It was amazing. Beautiful. Inspiring. Exhausting. We saw so many things and  did so much stuff. We were constantly go, go, go. Soooooo much walking. So much food! I wasn't as adventurous in my food experimentation as Jeremy was - he tried everything. Including a whole octopus and sea urchin. (Gross) I'd have to say my favorite food was okonomiyaki. It's a Japanese type pancake made with cabbage, eggs, protein of your choice (I had chicken), and covered in mayonnaise and Worcestershire sauce that has been thickened. Soooo freaking good. Takoyaki was tasty as well (fried octopus balls). We tried so many different things and ate what we wanted when we wanted. Surprisingly I didn't gain any weight (I ended up losing a pound - thanks walking!). 

We started in Tokyo, then spent 2 days in Osaka, 5 in Kyoto, and then back to Tokyo. While in Kyoto we took day trips to both Nara and Hiroshima. I have to say, Nara was my favorite. Why? Deer. Deer everywhere. Tame-ish deer whom you could feed. And they would bow for crackers. And they were so gentle taking the crackers from you. I love them! Kyoto was mostly temples and shrines, the bamboo forest, and a traditional tea ceremony which was very cool (I even got supplies to make my own traditional matcha tea). In Osaka we were mainly in the Dotonbori area which is food, food, and more food. Tokyo we were everywhere. Went to Team Labs which is an interactive, digital art experience. It's similar to MeowWolf but more relaxed and calming, less stimulating. We used public transport a LOT. Mostly trains and subways in Tokyo and other cities, taxis in Kyoto. And, well, lots of walking. It was very tiring and very awesome. 

I need to upload photos onto the computer and then I can post some here. It's going to be difficult to pick which ones to post (I took SO MANY pictures), but I'll try and post some from each place we went. Eventually I'll get to it. Right now I'm too tired to really think straight.

 

Tuesday 5/16/23 Anniversary

 Well hello there. Not much going on here. It has still been rather boring as of late. Nothing exciting to report. Although, tomorrow is our 20th wedding anniversary. Twenty years of marriage!!! (We've been together for 23 years) It's pretty amazing how fast time goes by. I, of course, work tomorrow, so we won't be doing anything really to celebrate. Our celebration is our trip to Japan (we leave a week from Thursday). It's crazy though . . . 20 years. And I love him more than when I married him, if that's even possible. 

Speaking of our Japan trip, I can't believe we leave next week! It's crept up on me. It doesn't feel real, like it's still months away. But nope! It's next week! I think we have all of our ducks in a row. I hope so. Still have to go to the post office and put our mail on hold until we get back . . . I plan on doing that on Thursday. I'm soooooo not looking forward to the 14 hour plane ride from LA to Tokyo. That is going to be brutal. Just brutal. But it'll be worth it, I'm sure. 

As far as my mood goes, I'm good. Stable, mostly happy, normal range of emotions. It's stellar. I'm worried about becoming hypomanic in Japan because of a screwed up sleep cycle and all of the stimulation. I think I'll be okay, but I still worry. I see my psychiatrist today so I'll chat with him about it. Otherwise, all is good. All is status quo. All is boring, quite honestly. Which, compared to the alternative, isn't such a bad thing. 

I don't plan on writing again until I get back from Japan - so 3-4 weeks from now. Maybe I'll even share some photos :) 

Thursday 5/4/23 Another 2 Weeks

 Well, another 2 weeks has gone by and I have nothing spectacular to report. I guess the big news is that I'm still stable, still doing well, and feeling "normal" (whatever that is). Which is wonderful, really. I had therapy 2 weeks ago and I don't see Becky again until after our trip to Japan. And I don't feel like I need to see her before that. Which is an amazing feeling. It's so weird to be stable again, but here I am. I'll just roll with it.

Speaking of the Japan trip . . . we leave on May 25th. Three weeks. OMG. It's come up so quickly! It's always felt so far off in the future and now it's just around the corner. We're only bringing carry on bags plus a personal bag each (we plan on doing laundry while there), so the other day I practice packed my suitcase to see what all I could fit in there - I want to be prepared! I could fit a whole lot more than I thought I was going to be able to fit in there. So that's awesome. I'm nervous about jet lag and how that's going to affect my mood. And I need to talk to Dr. M about when I should take my meds (I normally take them before bed, but with the 15ish hour time change I don't know if I should keep taking them on the same schedule which would mean taking them around lunch time, or if I should still take them before bed - I don't know!!). My mood is what worries me most (besides Moya, but I know she'll be in good hands). I guess we'll see how it goes and try to roll with it. 

That's really about it. Work has been work - but not bad - just work. Yeah. Can't really think of anything else. 

Okay bye. 

Thursday 4/20/23 Another long stretch

 Wow. It's been another long stretch since I've posted. There's a reason for this: I'm doing okay. I'm stable. I'm not depressed. Everything is status quo. I'm a normal functioning adult. Which is weird. Like, really weird. But I'm okay with it. I am. Or, at least, I'm trying to be. (Weird statement. I know. It's just that I'm so used to not being okay that being okay is completely different and a little scary).

I had therapy today and kind of hijacked it. Maybe a lot hijacked it. Because we didn't do much parts work - it was more talk therapy (like what I would do with Mike). But I felt it was a good session. We focused on mainly anxiety surrounding our trip to Japan. Because I'm super anxious about it. I woke up Tuesday morning at 2am and couldn't go back to sleep because my brain was coming up with every scenario possible of what could go wrong on the trip. So much fun. So Becky and I talked about it. She tried to reign me in and work some parts talk in, focusing on my anxious part, my creative part, etc. All in all though, it was a good session. I feel a little better about it. Maybe. 

There hasn't been much of anything else going on. I'm tired today, I have a headache. I've had a headache pretty much every day this week and last weekend. Not really digging it. I may just take a nap. We'll see. 

We found a gentleman to watch Moya while we're in Japan. Which is good because what to do with Moya has been a HUGE area of stress for me. I took her to a local kennel for a trial run last week. She apparently did great but I cried the whole way home after dropping her off because I was so worried and felt so bad. I really don't want her to be in a kennel for 2.5 weeks while we're gone. So we looked on Rover (a pet sitting website) and found a guy named Drew who happens to be a dog trainer. We met with him on Monday (with Moya, of course) and he really put me at ease. He's laid back and chill, good with dogs, and Moya seemed to get along well with his dog Echo. So Drew will be watching Moya while we're gone. I feel much better about this than leaving her in a kennel. Don't get me wrong - I'm still going to worry about her - but I know she'll be well cared for while we're away. *huge sigh of relief*

Anyway, that's all I got. I'm stable. I'm doing good. Moya is taken care of. Now I just have the rest of the Japan trip to worry about!

Saturday 10/22/22 Stuff and Things

 Been a bit since I last posted! There hasn't been a ton going on, really. I've had five ketamine infusions so far - my 6th and final infusion is Monday. My 5th infusion (this past Thursday), was intense. The doc went up on the dose and boy could I tell a difference. I felt lost inside my own head. Momentarily thought maybe I wouldn't come back down. It wasn't scary, it was just intense. And I could see how someone might feel scared or anxious because of it. I was able to keep myself grounded enough though, kept reminding myself that I was safe, sitting in a comfy recliner. It took a bit longer to wear off, too. When I left the clinic I felt tipsy still (obviously I wasn't driving - my hubby was). 

So how have these infusions been treating me? Pretty good, actually. I'm feeling like myself again, which is amazing. I'm not happy all the time - don't get me wrong - but I'm feeling emotions. I have a range of emotions instead of feeling either depressed or nothing. I still have "blah" moments but hey, who doesn't? I'm better able to handle myself at work, I'm more quick to smile and laugh, I'm not getting overwhelmed. This is all pretty darn amazing! I'm just hoping these results last. Dr. Jeff (the anesthesiologist who runs the infusions) said that some people need a booster infusion once a month, others have gone a year before needing a booster - everyone is different. I'm really hoping I don't need to have one monthly (mainly because of the cost - each infusion is $275). And I mean, it would just be cool to be able to go longer. The important thing is that it works. It's helped me. That's HUGE. 

In other news, we're actively planning our trip to Japan. It's looking like we'll be there May 25th through June 10th. Craziness! We have a travel agent who is helping set up our itinerary, flights, hotels, etc. It makes me realize that yes, indeed, this is happening. Which, honestly, is a little scary. And exciting. But still scary. The highlight of the trip for me will be visiting Nara and seeing all the bowing deer. Seriously - the deer bow to you to be fed! I can't wait for that! I love deer! In addition, we'll be staying in Tokyo, Kyoto, and Osaka. It will be a whirlwind trip, lots to see and do. 

I've been painting here and there, not terribly frequently, but when I feel like it. I desperately need to update my Etsy shop, which I plan on doing on Monday and Wednesday this week. I have paintings I need to scan and post. Quite a few. I've been neglecting it. Oh well. I'll get there.  

Monday 1/24/22 Well, it's Monday

 Would you look at that! It's Monday already. And it's not too shabby of a day, either. Mainly because I'm home and not at work today. Speaking of work, I go back this Thursday after having 11 days off. Thanks Covid! In all reality, I had taken a day of vacation this week so I would have 5 days off in a row, but then had to miss all 3 shifts last week due to having covid. So 11 days off in a row. It's been nice (for the most part - when I wasn't sick as sick can be). But Thursday . . . back to the grind. 

I'm honestly not looking forward to going back. Being off has made me realize just how burnt out I am. I mean, my cuticles are healed! (I pick at my cuticles when I'm stressed/anxious/depressed). My mood has been a bit better during this time off - even when I was actively sick. I haven't been as down or depressed or anxious or overwhelmed. It's actually amazing. But now I'm going back and I'm wondering how that's going to make me feel. If everything will come crashing down again. I know. A very pessimistic view. I can't help it. 

It also makes me wonder if I need a change of pace at work. I've been doing bedside nursing for almost 16 years. Maybe I need a change? Except, what would a change look like? Working at an office? Yuck! I'm so used to doing three 12 hour shifts I'm not sure how I'd handle five 8's. Quite honestly I don't want to. So maybe a different area? But where? I KNOW I don't want to do anything med/surg related. My only other area of interest is psych. Which everyone thinks would be too triggering for me. Including my psychiatrist and therapist. 

So what do I do to get out of this work related rut I'm in? Ahhhh, that's the question, isn't it? And I have no idea. I'm thinking I'm going to have to schedule myself vacation days here and there so I have extra time off. That's the only thing I can really think of. I don't know what else to do. An actual vacation might be nice, but I don't see one happening anytime in the near future (since we're saving up for Japan). So what do I do . . . . ?

I spent some time drawing today, which was nice. Now I have 6 drawings I need to paint. I'll have a lot of artwork to bring to my next therapy appointment! Which, sadly, is not until a week from Thursday (Feb. 3rd). That will be 5 weeks between appointments (I had to cancel last week since I had covid). Oh well. What can you do?

I guess I don't have much of anything else going on. Is that a good or a bad thing?  

Thursday 11/11/21 Ugh

 I'm really getting sick of my lack of motivation. Today is my 4th day off in a row (lucky me, right?) and I haven't accomplished anything! I made a sock rat yesterday and did laundry. Woohoo. Go me. Otherwise I've done nothing. It's frustrating. I need to suck it up and force myself to do stuff but it seems I just can't. I go downstairs to my office and sit and stare and do nothing. I have no inspiration for artwork and I can't bring myself to sew. I have a sink full of dirty dishes that sits there, mocking me. I need to dust and clean the bathrooms. But I don't. I have a drawing of a fox I need to paint. But I don't. I have the pattern pieces cut out for a soul sucker, I just need to sew it. But I don't. I can't stand this. 

I'm feeling more depressed again today. I don't want to use that word. Depressed. But it is what it is. I could say I'm feeling down, but that doesn't quite cover the apathy and the fatigue and the brain fog. I think I'm heading into another episode. I don't want to jump the gun saying this. I don't want to catastrophize or overthink this. But I can't deny that overall I'm feeling more melancholy. My thoughts are straying more and more towards the dark. I'm not finding the joy in little things. I'm not feeling happy or content. I'm feeling lost. I feel like I'm starting to struggle to keep my head above water. For a while - a long while - I was on the pier, my toes just brushing the water. But I've fallen in and I'm struggling to stay afloat. I'm not just gently treading water - oh no. And while I may not be violently thrashing about, quickly losing my air, I am struggling. I'm working hard. I'm looking for a life vest. I need something to hold on to. 

Work, I know, is a big contributor to how I'm feeling right now. Because I'm burnt out and overwhelmed. Because if we're not crazy busy we're floating to other units. And because the higher ups don't seem to care. Nobody does. I got a text last night asking for nurses to come to work today. So we're either really busy or there were several sick calls - or both. I work the next 3 days so I declined. Working four 12 hour shifts in a row is not good for my mental health. And I felt so freaking guilty for not going in today. The guilt eats away at me. But I know I would be worse off if I had gone in. It's a catch 22. Work and be miserable, don't work and be miserable. I have to opt for what will make me the least miserable. And today it was not working. 

And there's something else bothering me. Something that's so remote and so, honestly, stupid that I don't even want to write about it. But I'm going to. Because I need to. Here goes. We're planning a trip to Japan in a couple of years. My son desperately wants to go. He adores Japanese culture and is hooked on anime and manga. So hubby and I decided we would take him there hopefully for his 16th birthday. And, quite honestly, I'm terrified of this trip. I'm terrified of everything about it. The ridiculously long flight, the jet lag, the culture shock, the language barrier, the food . . . everything. It seems so daunting and scary and hard. I keep reminding myself that I can do hard things . . . but this seems like it's too much for me to handle. It's the trip of a lifetime and I'd almost rather not go. Because not going would be easier. Because not going is less scary. I hate this. I try my best to not even think about the trip, but the seed is there, in the back of my mind, festering. I'm sure this is contributing to my overwhelm. As stupid as it seems. 

I also feel like I'm in a major rut with life in general. I don't really do anything. We used to have friends over for games and dinners all the time. We'd go out with friends and do things. And now . . . we don't. The friends we used to hang with abandoned us when I was at my worst. The friends I have now, my two good friends, well, we don't really do anything. Get coffee every once in awhile, but that's it. We see each other at work and text each other . . . but that's all we do. And it kinda sucks. Hubby has some friends from church, but not ones we do anything with. It just feels like I should be doing more. And I'm not. 

And on top of all this - the icing on the cake - is that recently I haven't been enjoying my art or sewing. It feels stagnant. It feels not good enough. It feels forced. Imposter syndrome maybe. They say all artists have it to some extent. Well, count me in. Which is probably one of the reasons I have no motivation to create. I don't feel that my stuff is good enough. So why bother? 

Oh, and while I'm at this long drawn out dump of everything bothering me, I might as well talk about my weight. Overall I've lost 22 pounds. Something to be proud of, right? Well, I'm not. Because I fell off the wagon. I've all but given up. I have no motivation to workout. I'm finding it difficult to count and follow my macros. And I hate myself for this. I've dusted myself off. I'm trying again. But my overall apathy makes it hard to get anything done. I need to lose more weight. For my health. For my sanity. I weigh 218 pounds and I want to at least get down to 180. That's a LOT more weight to lose. And it seems daunting and impossible to do. And I beat myself up every chance I get. If I have a treat or a snack. If I don't workout. If I eat something unhealthy. You think it would motivate me. But no, it stagnates me. I feel worse, so I eat worse. I feel worse, so I don't work out because I don't think I deserve it. 

This post sucks. I need to change my mindset for the better. I need to flood myself with positivity. I need to eat healthy and workout. I need to take time off from work. I need to do something. I'll get there. Eventually. I always do. One foot in front of the other. Right? Right. 

Friday 9/17/21

 Well, another week has gone by and there's nothing really exciting going on. Like, nothing exciting. Work and work and more work. And some time drawing and painting and sewing. There's a toy con in December that I'm thinking about getting a booth at so I need to have product for that, right? So that means I've got to stay busy on my days off drawing and painting and sewing. I really could have used a nap today but I didn't. I did 5 paintings and sewed two little owls instead. Which makes 7 owls I've made. Although I sold 2 of them so now I only have 5. They're cute little things. But anyway . . .

I still feel burnt out at work. It's just so stupidly busy. I already need another break. I have around 240 PTO hours so I can certainly afford to take one. But I neglected to do so on the next schedule so I'm shit out of luck for awhile. The holidays are coming up and everyone has requested time off so I'll be hard pressed to get something. Maybe I'll do what I did in August and take a day off here and there so I have a longer span of time off. We'll see. I need to though. 

My birthday is next Saturday. I want to get another tattoo for it (if you saw last week's post you know what I'm leaning towards). I just have to convince hubby to let me get it sooner rather than later. 

Ugh. That's it I guess. Nothing else going on.

Tuesday 8/31/21 Stuff 'n stuff

 Tomorrow is September, which is crazy. This summer has gone by so freaking fast. It's going to be my birthday soon!! Yay!

On the tooth front . . . ohmygosh I've been in so much pain y'all. Like, ridiculous amounts of pain. I've been taking motrin, tylenol, naproxen, and norco around the clock. Today was the first day (in a week) I haven't been near tears several times a day. It's this gnawing, throbbing, aching pain that just doesn't go away. My lord it's terrible. I'm now at the point where I get to "irrigate" the giant hole where my tooth was. It looks like a freaking cavern in my mouth. And I irrigate it after every time I eat something to make sure no food bits get left behind in there. Gross. And last night while I was irrigating the stitch came out. Which, they told me it would, but it was so nasty. This little spider looking thing falling out of my mouth. Ugh. No bueno. I really hope I never have to have another tooth pulled because this has sucked balls. Like, a lot.

Okay. Enough about that.

Soooooooo, I'm seriously thinking about trying to get a booth at a con. To sell my art and plushies. Colorado Springs Comic Con would be freaking amazing but I may need to start out smaller. Like a toy con or something. Which means I better get producing! Art and plushies! And I have to find a decently priced print shop so I can make prints of some of my Bipolar Chronicles stuff. How awesome would that be?? To have a booth and sell my stuff?? Hell yeah! (I just ordered some fabric, teehee!)

I go back to work this Friday. This past week has gone by way too quickly. Ten days off wasn't enough time. I want MOAR! Oh well. Back to the grind. But now, with the prospect of a con, maybe I'll have some drive and motivation to do stuff on my days off. Like draw and paint and sew. Hopefully. And hopefully my morale will be a bit better because I was pretty darn burnt out before this little break. 

Wednesday 8/25/21 My Tooth

 Well, I had my tooth yanked yesterday. The procedure itself wasn't that bad as I was under anesthesia. But the aftermath? Ugh. 

The dentist numbed me up in addition to the anesthesia, so when I woke up I felt pretty darn good, albeit a little sleepy. We went home and I slept for a couple hours, then decided that I should eat something. I removed the bloody gauze from my mouth and made myself some oatmeal and a protein shake. Which was a bad idea in hindsight. It made me nauseous. Now I'm nauseous and still groggy so I put more gauze in my mouth and went and laid back down. I slept for a couple more hours and when I woke up I was in an incredible amount of pain - the numbness had worn off and I could feel everything. My mouth was throbbing and aching and had stabbing pain, my head was throbbing and aching. I was a mess. I took motrin and naproxen but for 2 hours I was in pain. 

I went to bed at my normal time, despite sleeping all day, and I took a Norco before bed so I'd be sure to sleep. I drooled though. I drooled blood onto my pillow. So today I had to wash the sheets because I got bloody drool on them. Go me. But hey - clean sheets and jammies tonight! 

Today the pain hasn't been too bad. I took Motrin this morning and after lunch, along with a dose of Tylenol, and I'm doing pretty good. A little bit of throbbing, definitely sore and bruised, but a lot better than I was last night. 

What a great way to spend my "vacation" time. I don't go back to work until the 3rd. Another week and a couple days off to relax and do whatever. Probably nap. Definitely nap. And draw and sew. But most definitely nap. 

Thursday 7/29/21 I got my tattoo!

 Holy cow y'all! July is almost over! This summer has flown by! Just, really flown by. It's hard to believe that my son will be starting high school on August 16th - that's not far away. It's crazy. But it's happening. 

In other news, yes, I'm still burnt out at work. It's been a little better, but I'm still burnt out. This week is Monday, Wednesday, and Friday (although I was asked if I'd work today too - I declined). This week has been ever so slightly slower, but still busy in the big scheme of things. Still looking forward to my time off in August. 

Also, today has been weird. I woke up feeling weak and lightheaded and stayed that way all morning. I was planning on getting on the spin bike and doing legs, but I couldn't. Just walking bills out to the mailbox made me short of breath and feeling like I was going to pass out. I don't know what was up. I've also had the trots today, all morning really. That seems to have subsided now. Thank goodness! I don't like feeling how I was. I thought maybe low blood sugar or low blood pressure, but I have no way to test those theories. I've eaten breakfast and lunch and am feeling a bit better now, but still like I have no energy. Which is annoying. I want to be able to workout. 

And, like the title says, I did get my tattoo last Friday! I love it! I went with a new artist this time around and couldn't be happier. It only took 2 hours and didn't hurt at all. 

This was taken two days after having it done (it's currently in the peeling stage). My little chickadee. This is on the top of my right forearm. Pretty darn cool, right? It's my own artwork, as are most of my tattoos. 

Wednesday 6/30/21 Dentist Fun

 Does anyone really like going to the dentist? I certainly don't. Even for cleanings. But I went to the dentist on Monday for tooth pain. My lower left molar, the one that's furthest back. Now, ten months ago this tooth cracked and I had a root canal done with a crown put on. Root canals are not pleasant. No one wants a root canal. And I have TMJ pretty bad so keeping my mouth wide open for an hour and a half was torture (even though they used a bite block). So I had this done and have had pain in that tooth since. It's not constant and some days are worse than others. Last week I had excruciating pain and decided it was high time I went back to the dentist (I saw the dentist and endodontist after the root canal for pain and was told to "just wait longer"). Well, my tooth hasn't healed. And there's shadowing in my jaw bone (apparently that's bad). I was given two choices: have them drill into the side of my jaw, scrape everything out, and fill it with more sealant (which I was told probably won't heal since I didn't heal from the root canal), or have my tooth pulled. I don't like either choice. At all. But I opted to go for having my tooth pulled. Of course, my dentist can't do it. No, I have to go to an oral surgeon to have it pulled. Under anesthesia. Because the extraction is "sure to be brutal because of how much sealant I have in that tooth". Um, what? My dentist further told me that I would need 3-5 days off after having the tooth pulled because I would be in "so much pain I won't be able to work". Oh joy. This just keeps getting better and better. And I can only have soft foods for at least two weeks after. To say I'm not looking forward to this is an understatement. But I scheduled it, for August 24th. That way I can work that Sunday and Monday (22nd and 23rd) and use a day of vacation so I have a full week off after having it done. I'm not one for mouth pain. I'm kind of a wuss in that department. Yeah I know I've had pain the last 10 months, but it's been more of a dull companion than anything else. When it got bad I went in. So I get to have a tooth pulled. Which, even though you won't be able to see it (since it's a molar), makes me feel, I don't know, weird. I'll get over it, I'm sure. 

Tomorrow is July, which is crazy! Time is flying by! I'm glad though because July 23rd I get my new tattoo. Something to look forward to. Because I don't think we're really going to do anything this summer. No big vacation or anything. Even getting away for a night or two proves hard to do when you have no one to watch your dog. It's okay though. We can take a couple of day trips. That's better than nothing. 

That's about it. There's nothing much else going on. Work and naps. No motivation. Same old, same old. 

 

Friday 4/30/21 Work and Whatnot

 Wow. Two posts in one week. How weird.

Actually, I just feel like writing. See, I've been a little down in the dumps the past few days. Not really . . . bad, just a little down. No motivation. Cranky. Blah. And exhausted. Old patterns are trying to sneak their way back into my life and I'm actively fighting them every day. Which can be quite mentally draining. And I'm feeling it. For example, I'm off today. I figured I'd sleep in a little, have breakfast and coffee, shower, and then paint and read and clean up around the house. I got up, made coffee, and then went back to bed for an hour and a half. Got up again, had breakfast and drank my now-luke-warm coffee, and then went back to bed for another hour. Reluctantly, at 11am, I got up and showered. I wanted to stay in bed. All day. I feel so damn tired. Add to that the lack of motivation and you've got a recipe for disaster. 

I know part of the problem is work. It's been so damn busy the past 2 months and everyone is getting burnt out. We're all working our call shifts and we're short staffed most days. I've picked up extra on top of my call and I'm kind of done with it. But of course that didn't stop me from saying yes to picking up next Tuesday, making my week look like: work on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, on call on Thursday the whole day, and then working Saturday and Sunday. Seriously. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm a glutton for punishment I guess. 

I'm trying not to have a bad attitude when I work but the mornings when I'm getting ready are filled with heavy sighs and dread. I have to talk myself up, stop the negative commentary in my mind, and force myself to be positive and upbeat. The sad thing is, I'm finding myself having to do this on my days off, too. I'm more sensitive to people's comments and jokes (including hubby's) and I just don't feel like doing anything. No gym for the past 2 weeks, no spin bike. My bedtime keeps getting earlier because I'm tired, I'm "in the mood" very rarely and when I am I have trouble reaching orgasm. I'd rather sleep. It's annoying and all of this is making me feel worse. 

It's not depression - I wouldn't say it's depression. Yet. But if I don't nip this in the bud it could very well go that route. I've mentioned before that I feel like I need a vacation. Even a mini vacation, an overnight stay somewhere. Doesn't have to be expensive or fancy and we don't even have to do much of anything. Just some time away from everything. It's hard when I'm working so much and you have a dog you don't know what you're going to do with while you're gone. 

I'm really kind of ranting, aren't I? That's okay, it helps to get it out. That's why I sat down to write in the first place. The bottom line is that I'm tired and I don't want to get worse. I'm scared of getting worse. I've even been partaking in retail therapy again, something I know I shouldn't be doing because small purchases add up. I ordered some supplements ($120 worth, oh shit) and a new purse. In addition to some other purchases that I'm sure hubby won't be happy about. I guess it's good that I'm working extra next Tuesday . . . and possibly Thursday . . . 

 

Friday 2/7/2020

Hey there, I'm back. It's been a bit. It's cold and snowy here in Colorado. In fact, it's snowing right now. An unofficial snow day (my son stayed home from school - we're both sick). Well, let's get to it.

I went back to work this week after having 3.5 weeks off for my surgery. I worked Monday and yesterday. Monday was hell - we delivered 9 babies. Not the welcome back I was hoping for (I was hoping for a nice leisurely day *laughs*). I was exhausted and cranky by the end of the day. Thursday I floated to NICU, which I hate doing. I don't work in the NICU because I don't like it, so why would I want to float there?? Second day back and I can't even work on my own unit. I was, again, rather cranky.

Why am I telling you this? Well, because work has become an increasingly larger and larger problem for me. See, I'm burnt out. I was incredibly burnt out before my surgery. I thought having 3 and a half weeks off would help the situation. I thought I would go back refreshed.

That's not what happened.

I went back to work bitter and angry and tired. I went back to work and learned there were more changes made that are out of my control. I went back to work and I struggled. I struggled to keep my head above water. I struggled to keep up. I struggled to care. I'm a nurse - I'm supposed to care. I didn't.

I don't know what to make of this, honestly. I feel like I need to get away. From everything. From adulting. Maybe that would help. Maybe I need a change. I don't know. I just know I'm not happy.

My black cloud is my ever close companion right now. I'm not enveloped - my cloud is on the sidelines, inching closer every day. I still feel the effects though. I thought, maybe this is why I'm hating my job. Maybe this is why I feel overwhelmed. But alas, I was feeling these things before my black cloud came back. The cloud certainly makes it worse, but it's not the cause.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to. Hubby? Obviously. Therapist? Of course. But who else? I work with my 2 closest friends (can't talk to other coworkers because of gossip). I can talk to my 2 friends but I don't think they'll get the depth of what I'm feeling. I'm not even sure I do.

I feel incredibly lost.


  

10/15/18

Well, here I am, a week post-ECT, and I seem to have leveled out. Right back into my depression that I was in before I had ECT. I had my post-ECT high for about 2 days and then the irritability and depression came back, stronger than ever.

I'm sitting here in bed, in the middle of the day (it's 1:45pm right now), wondering how and why it got so bad and wondering what to do with myself. I have stuff I want to write about, truly, but I can't seem to get the thoughts out of my head. I feel sluggish and cloudy.

I'm leaving on Friday for Texas to go to my sister's house. Her baby shower is this weekend. I'm driving down there with my stepmom. I want to be there for my sister but I'm not looking forward to this trip. I just think it's going to be really hard because of my current state. Driving down with M I'm not worried about, it's really the actual baby shower. A big 'ol party full of people I don't know all talking and laughing and having a good time while I feel like death warmed over . . . I'm not looking forward to it. Hopefully there will be alcohol. Funny - I don't drink except for instances like this. Which thankfully don't happen often.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll be fine, and I get to see my sister and my stepmom, whom I both love dearly.

I really can't think straight. My mind is a jumbled mess. I can't hold on to a single thought for more than a few seconds before it's replaced with something else. I can't write right now. I just can't do it. Maybe I'll try again later.