Thursday 4/20/23 Another long stretch

 Wow. It's been another long stretch since I've posted. There's a reason for this: I'm doing okay. I'm stable. I'm not depressed. Everything is status quo. I'm a normal functioning adult. Which is weird. Like, really weird. But I'm okay with it. I am. Or, at least, I'm trying to be. (Weird statement. I know. It's just that I'm so used to not being okay that being okay is completely different and a little scary).

I had therapy today and kind of hijacked it. Maybe a lot hijacked it. Because we didn't do much parts work - it was more talk therapy (like what I would do with Mike). But I felt it was a good session. We focused on mainly anxiety surrounding our trip to Japan. Because I'm super anxious about it. I woke up Tuesday morning at 2am and couldn't go back to sleep because my brain was coming up with every scenario possible of what could go wrong on the trip. So much fun. So Becky and I talked about it. She tried to reign me in and work some parts talk in, focusing on my anxious part, my creative part, etc. All in all though, it was a good session. I feel a little better about it. Maybe. 

There hasn't been much of anything else going on. I'm tired today, I have a headache. I've had a headache pretty much every day this week and last weekend. Not really digging it. I may just take a nap. We'll see. 

We found a gentleman to watch Moya while we're in Japan. Which is good because what to do with Moya has been a HUGE area of stress for me. I took her to a local kennel for a trial run last week. She apparently did great but I cried the whole way home after dropping her off because I was so worried and felt so bad. I really don't want her to be in a kennel for 2.5 weeks while we're gone. So we looked on Rover (a pet sitting website) and found a guy named Drew who happens to be a dog trainer. We met with him on Monday (with Moya, of course) and he really put me at ease. He's laid back and chill, good with dogs, and Moya seemed to get along well with his dog Echo. So Drew will be watching Moya while we're gone. I feel much better about this than leaving her in a kennel. Don't get me wrong - I'm still going to worry about her - but I know she'll be well cared for while we're away. *huge sigh of relief*

Anyway, that's all I got. I'm stable. I'm doing good. Moya is taken care of. Now I just have the rest of the Japan trip to worry about!

Thursday 10/21/21 Ugh

 I hate it when I feel compelled to write. I really do. Because usually the only time I feel compelled to write is when I'm not doing so good. Well, I'm not doing so good. 

I woke up this morning feeling like something had shifted, but I wasn't sure what. I took the boy to school, came home and made breakfast. It was while eating that I noticed the shift again. Staring off into space, feeling . . . down. Feeling . . . overwhelmed. Feeling . . . burnt out. Feeling not at all like myself, the self I've gotten so used to for the last year and a half. The self I sometimes take for granted. 

I ate my breakfast, drank my coffee, all the while feeling the weight of everything on me. I went back to bed. It's all I could do. I went back to bed and slept for another hour. When I woke up, I told myself everything was fine, it was going to be fine. I showered. I shaved my legs. I washed my hair. All the while feeling empty and lost. I posted about it on Instagram and texted my two best friends about it. And then? Then I lost it. I started sobbing. And God bless my dog Moya, she came running into the bedroom whining, licking my face, trying to make me feel better. Only, it didn't help. I sobbed harder. This was the snot everywhere kind of sobbing, the makeup-running-down-the-face kind of sobbing. Thank goodness my mascara is water proof. 

I did, eventually, pull myself together. Blew my nose, cleaned myself up. And now I sit here typing this out, my eyes burning and swollen from the tears, wondering what the hell happened. Wondering, why do I feel like this? I don't have an answer for myself. I think it's a combination of things. I'm burnt out at work. I feel overwhelmed by everything. My weight is not where I want it to be. I have no motivation. I'm in perimenopause. And I feel like this will never end. I find myself trying to pick out little things to look forward to - a coping mechanism from when I'm depressed. Right now I'm looking forward to the 30th because I'm getting my hair cut (it's far too long right now and annoying me). 

Maybe I need to go up on my Wellbutrin. Maybe I need a therapy appointment. Maybe I simply need a vacation. I don't know what I need. All I know is that I've had this underlying feeling of unease that I've been effectively ignoring and today it's come to a head. Today it's come to the surface and broken through and quite honestly I'm scared. I'm scared because I can't go back to the way things were. The way things were when my depression was out of control. 

I know I might be reading too much into this. I may very well be catastrophizing this . . . this breakdown I've had today. Lord knows I'm an expert in doing that. It's just that I feel so awful. And I haven't felt this way for so long. 

So anyway, that's where I'm at. Feeling down and stuck and on the verge of tears again. 

 

5/14/19

Ugh. I'm feeling pretty down today. And it's pretty freaking annoying. The past few days I'd been feeling better and then today -BOOM - down again. I'm trying to figure out why.

Let's talk about the good news though.

"Good" news.

We got another dog! Adopted her from a local rescue shelter. She is the sweetest, goofiest dog. We named her Moya. Which if you watch Farscape you'll get (our other dog is Zan). Anyway, we've been sorta looking for another dog for a month or so, checking the shelters here and there. On Saturday (today is Tuesday) we decided to go looking again just for goofs. We didn't expect that we would be coming home with a dog. But we took Moya on a walk and fell in love - my son especially. Long story short - she's ours!

So why the quotation marks around good above?

Well, getting a dog changes things up. It, in essence, throws my routine out the window. Things are different now. We need to get used to Moya and her quirks and mannerisms and she needs to get used to us and especially Zan (Zan is 16, deaf, and doesn't play well with others. Hell, she doesn't play at all). And the thing is, stupid as it may sound, this change up is hard for me to accept. Hard for me to deal with. Change is a hard concept for me to grasp. It terrifies me -  even when it's something as simple as getting a dog. You'd think I'd be happy - and I am, I guess - but I'm kind of struggling with this.

And it makes me feel horrible and stupid that I'm struggling with this. Which, of course, makes me feel worse. Nothing like bringing self hate to the party, am I right??

This is probably why I feel down today. I'm dealing with all of this stupidity in my head.

I'll work through it. Everything will be fine.