Thursday 10/26/23 Ummm, yes

 So I tried registering for my first class today and it's not going smoothly. AKA: I can't register. In my orientation I was told to go to one site to register - the site is "not available". In an email I was told to go to another site - it works, but when I try to register, the class I'm supposed to be taking is not available. Very frustrating. I emailed my academic advisor so we'll see. 

In other news I'm having crazy heart palpitations. It's been going on for 2 months, but it's getting progressively worse. To the point where I'm having trouble talking at times. I've felt my pulse several times during a "palpitation" and it's my heart actually stopping, and then starting again. Like it skips a beat or two and then keeps on going. It's a little worrisome. I'm not digging it. It kind of takes my breath away/makes me cough, and if I'm mid word speaking it screws it up. I see a cardiologist on the 3rd (a week from tomorrow). When I saw my primary care doc they did an EKG (normal) and lab work (normal). Which, it always is. They're not going to catch something on an EKG unless it happens during the 5 seconds the EKG is running. Which is frustrating. Because there's obviously something going on. What I'm feeling is not normal. It tends to be mild in the morning and gets worse as the day goes on. And yeah, I'm a little worried about it. Oy vey. 

There's not much anything else going on at the moment. Work is work, though it hasn't been as horrible as it had been before. Which is good. 

Oh. So something that is decidedly not good is that my best friend is moving away today. Like, far away. To Indiana. Basically starting over from scratch. New state, new house, new job, new everything. And I'm not liking it. I'm trying hard not to think about it too much because I'll cry. We had a going away party for her last night with lots of work peeps and it was good. But I cried on the way home because it made it so much more real. Today she closes on the sale of her home here and the purchase of her home there, and then is leaving. This truly breaks my heart. We'll still be in touch, obviously, texting, face timing, sending memes . . . but it won't be the same. Now I has a profound sad.   

Monday 8/21/23 Therapy

 I had therapy last Thursday and we covered a variety of topics: work, my physical health, art, and my best friend Lesley most likely moving out of state. My friend moving is what I want to focus on today.

See, I don't have many friends. People whom I consider good friends. Aside from my hubby, I have two. Yep. Only two. Beth and Lesley. And Lesley is my best friend. I've known her for 15 years. She's always been there for me, no matter what I've needed. And now . . . well, now she's probably moving out of state, back to Ohio. And I haven't really acknowledged this fact. In fact, I've been ignoring it and it's implications. Which came up with full force in therapy.

Becky asked me about my friends and other relationships. Most of my other "friends" are just people I'm friendly with at work - they're not people whom I consider friends. I casually mentioned that Lesley was going to most likely be moving and Becky asked me to elaborate on that. And so I did. And I got emotional. It took everything I had not to start crying which caught me off guard. See, mostly I've been frustrated with Lesley as of late. I haven't really thought of her actually moving. And apparently, this is going to be rough for me. 

Some back story on Lesley: she's an introvert. Very much so. She'd rather be at home more than anywhere else. Each year for my, Beth's, and her birthdays we would go out and get coffee. Give gifts. Have a good time. The past two years it's been like pulling teeth to get her to leave her house - even for this. We don't ask much of her - we know she's an introvert. But now it's getting worse. She's had a rough year - she lost two of her three dogs (her dogs are like her kids to her) and had back surgery, from which she's still recovering. I get that it's been a rough year for her, I do. But she's becoming even more reclusive because of it, if that's even possible. She's turning inward and giving in to her misery and isn't doing anything to help herself. She won't let anyone - including Beth and I - to do anything for her. I just see her getting worse and worse. If she didn't have her dog, Kevin, I think she'd throw in the towel. Which worries me, greatly. 

Since she's been on FMLA (which has been about 10 weeks, I think), it seems as though she's given up on life completely. She's giving up on everything she has. She's had a realtor come to her house, she's packing, she's making sure she has her nursing license squared away in Ohio . . . she's set on selling her house, moving back home to Ohio, and getting a nursing job where she doesn't have to leave her house. And she's being rather secretive about all of this. She's giving hints but isn't coming outright and saying it. I have to pry it out of her. I feel as though she's pulling away from us to try and make it easier on herself. 

All of this frustrates me and makes me angry. But, what I didn't realize, is how sad it's making me. Talking with Becky brought the sadness out. And I don't know what to do with it or how to handle it. Lesley leaving is going to be a loss I have to go through. We'll still text and send each other memes and face time, but it's not going to be the same. I won't see her at work. I can't just go over to her house or out to coffee with her. I'm going to miss her. And I didn't realize the impact of this until talking to Becky about it. The whole situation sucks. I want Lesley to be happy, but I don't want her to go. Which feels awfully selfish of me. 

Becky said I should write a letter to Lesley, telling her gently how I feel. And I thought I would. But I got home from therapy last Thursday feeling drained and I didn't. And then I swept my feelings under the rug and forgot about them. Or at least tried to. Until now. So here I am, writing everything out. I don't know what I would say to Lesley. I don't know how to put it gently. I don't want to make her feel bad. I don't want to make this harder for her. But my feelings matter too, I guess. So, here goes.

Lesley. You are my best friend and I love you. I wish you knew how much people cared about you. I wish you knew how much I care about you. I wish things were different and you hadn't have had such a rough year. But it feels like you're running away and giving up. It feels like you're pushing me away and not letting me in any more. It feels shitty. I want nothing more than for you to be happy but I feel like you're going about it the wrong way. And yes - I feel shitty and selfish for saying that. I don't want you to get to Ohio and still be unhappy, but now you have no support and no one that you know to help you. I'm going to miss you. Even though you drive me crazy sometimes, I'm going to miss you. Texting and face timing are not the same as seeing you in person and I'm worried that our friendship will suffer because of it. I feel it already has. I feel like you're not treating this as the big deal that it is. This is a huge life change and it's going to affect all of us, for better or worse. Most likely for worse. I don't want you to change your mind because of me. I want you to be happy. I just don't want to lose you as a friend and have you push me away because you think it'll be easier that way. It won't be. I'm angry and frustrated and sad. And I don't know how to tell you any of this without hurting your feelings or making you feel bad. I'm sorry for this. I just need you to know that you are loved and you are going to be missed. 

I don't know what else to say. I feel what I've written is not very good. In all honesty, I don't think I would show it to her. Unless I showed her this whole blog post for context. I hate the situation. I wish she could be happy here. I wish she wasn't leaving. I wish it didn't feel like I was losing my best friend. 

And yes, I'm crying. 

 

Thursday 2/23/23 Therapy

 So I had therapy today - my second session with my new therapist. And I felt like such a goob the whole time. I felt close to tears almost the entire session and my voice showed it I think. See, my depression has hit me hard the past few days. Well, week or so. Let's be honest. And today, before therapy, I was close to tears. For no real reason. Just feeling like crap. So it's no surprise that I was feeling the same way in therapy. Beforehand I managed to start a few drawings (didn't paint though), so my time wasn't completely worthless (I wanted to stare off into space). 

But anyway. Therapy. Becky started by giving me a stack of cards with pictures on them. She instructed me to go through the stack and pick out any that resonated with me. I picked out around 8ish cards. We then discussed why each of them resonated with me. The cards basically represent some of my various "parts" (we're doing Internal Family Systems therapy, or IFS). Today we focused on a blocking part. A part of me that blocks out strong emotions. It doesn't necessarily keep me numb (well, sometimes maybe), but it keeps me from feeling strong emotions and being overwhelmed by them or "losing control". 

While reading the book No Bad Parts (which is about IFS), I came across and "abandoned girl" part of me. I felt a wave of sadness and intense grief come over me, started to tear up, and then BAM! Curtain dropped, wall up, the feelings were blocked. That's the work of this "blocking" part of me. It's scared that if I feel strong emotion like that that I'll become overwhelmed and won't be able to function, and will maybe spiral further into depression. It's kept me from fully feeling the grief over Mike retiring (except for the day of my last session with him when I did lose control and sobbed horribly). When I start to feel strong emotion over it, there's the blocking part, doing its job, keeping me from feeling. What it doesn't understand is that I need to feel these emotions, at least to an extent. So the work becomes reassuring this part that it's okay for me to feel, that I can handle it, and that I won't lose control. Which is probably easier said than done. 

We also talked in general about how I was doing, how the past two weeks have been. I took an FMLA day this past Tuesday as I felt I couldn't handle work. I work again Saturday and I plan on being there. WE talked about how that was going to look: with me probably putting on a false front and pretending that everything is okay. Which brought to light how I often keep people at an arm's distance and don't let too many people see the true me (Jer, Beth and Lesley are exceptions). And how I don't understand how anyone could genuinely care about me because I'm just . . . me. (This gets into being raised by an absent, alcoholic mother and not feeling cared for growing up. Joy.) So we opened a big 'ol box of worms. 

And now I'm feeling tearful and quite annoyed with myself for stupid things (I emailed Becky my Deviant Art page and forgot to put the ".com" in the URL so the link doesn't work so I feel stupid and inadequate and I'm beating myself up over it. Go me.). 

In other news, the last two weeks of volunteering were canceled due to snow so now it's been a month since I've gone. In a way it's a relief, but at the same time I miss it. 

Anyway, I guess that's it. There's more, I'm sure, but I'm hungry, I have to pee, and I have to pick up my son from school, so . . . that's it. 

Thursday 1/26/23 The End of an Era

 I'm having a rough go of it today. Today truly is the end of an era. Today I had to say goodbye to my therapist, Mike. I knew this day was coming (he told me about his retirement in what? July? August?), but that didn't make today any easier. In fact, it's been hard as hell. I can't stop crying. It's hard to say goodbye to someone that you love. And I did love Mike. Hell, still do of course. It's just . . . now I don't get to see him anymore. He's been with me through everything. All my ups and downs (my WAY ups and my WAY downs). He's played a pivotal role in my healing over these past 10 years. It's crazy to think that I've been seeing him for 10 years. Sometimes every week. Sometimes monthly. Sometimes we'd skip 6 or 8 months. But he was always there for me, only a phone call or text away. And now . . . he's not. I didn't think it was going to hit me this hard. I didn't think that I would be crying so hard that I would hyperventilate and almost pass out. My eyes are swollen and wet (thank god for water proof mascara), they sting. I have a headache from the crying. I've been feeling emotionally fragile and now I'm just shattered. I don't know how I'm going to put the pieces together again. Sounds almost comical - I mean, it's not like I lost my husband. Mike was my therapist. But he was also a friend and a father figure for me. He's seen me at my worst and at my best. He's been my biggest cheerleader besides my husband. And I don't get to see him anymore. I'm crushed.

He didn't leave me empty handed - he's having a colleague, a lady named Becky, take over for him. I'm glad he hand picked a new therapist for me, that he knows her and likes her. That helps. But I have to start over from scratch. I have to build a new therapeutic relationship with a stranger and that's daunting. I'm starting fresh and that's scary. Jeremy has told me many times that maybe this will be a good thing, a new set of eyes, a fresh perspective. And he could be right. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm scared and grieving. 

At the end of our session today is when we talked about him retiring. I was close to tears the whole time, knowing this was coming, and then we had to bring it out in the open. I held it together in front of him. Well, kind of. I started to cry and we hugged. I lost it when I got out to my truck. I cried so hard it hurt. I cried the whole way home and I haven't really stopped. I'll be okay for a few minutes and then the tears start up again. How long is this going to hurt? Why does it have to hurt so bad?

In other news, I had my first ketamine booster infusion yesterday. It was intense - probably the most intense one I have had (and we went down in the dose). Dr. Jeff told me it would be more intense because I haven't had an infusion since October. He wasn't lying. I'm worried that having to grieve a profound loss will cancel out any positive benefits of the booster. I guess if that's the case I'll have to have a booster next month. I don't really want to but if I must, I must. 

I guess that's it then. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel utterly directionless. Lost. And profoundly sad. 

Thursday 10/21/21 Ugh

 I hate it when I feel compelled to write. I really do. Because usually the only time I feel compelled to write is when I'm not doing so good. Well, I'm not doing so good. 

I woke up this morning feeling like something had shifted, but I wasn't sure what. I took the boy to school, came home and made breakfast. It was while eating that I noticed the shift again. Staring off into space, feeling . . . down. Feeling . . . overwhelmed. Feeling . . . burnt out. Feeling not at all like myself, the self I've gotten so used to for the last year and a half. The self I sometimes take for granted. 

I ate my breakfast, drank my coffee, all the while feeling the weight of everything on me. I went back to bed. It's all I could do. I went back to bed and slept for another hour. When I woke up, I told myself everything was fine, it was going to be fine. I showered. I shaved my legs. I washed my hair. All the while feeling empty and lost. I posted about it on Instagram and texted my two best friends about it. And then? Then I lost it. I started sobbing. And God bless my dog Moya, she came running into the bedroom whining, licking my face, trying to make me feel better. Only, it didn't help. I sobbed harder. This was the snot everywhere kind of sobbing, the makeup-running-down-the-face kind of sobbing. Thank goodness my mascara is water proof. 

I did, eventually, pull myself together. Blew my nose, cleaned myself up. And now I sit here typing this out, my eyes burning and swollen from the tears, wondering what the hell happened. Wondering, why do I feel like this? I don't have an answer for myself. I think it's a combination of things. I'm burnt out at work. I feel overwhelmed by everything. My weight is not where I want it to be. I have no motivation. I'm in perimenopause. And I feel like this will never end. I find myself trying to pick out little things to look forward to - a coping mechanism from when I'm depressed. Right now I'm looking forward to the 30th because I'm getting my hair cut (it's far too long right now and annoying me). 

Maybe I need to go up on my Wellbutrin. Maybe I need a therapy appointment. Maybe I simply need a vacation. I don't know what I need. All I know is that I've had this underlying feeling of unease that I've been effectively ignoring and today it's come to a head. Today it's come to the surface and broken through and quite honestly I'm scared. I'm scared because I can't go back to the way things were. The way things were when my depression was out of control. 

I know I might be reading too much into this. I may very well be catastrophizing this . . . this breakdown I've had today. Lord knows I'm an expert in doing that. It's just that I feel so awful. And I haven't felt this way for so long. 

So anyway, that's where I'm at. Feeling down and stuck and on the verge of tears again. 

 

Tuesday 10/19/21 Ummmm . . .

 Another week has gone by, nothing new is happening. I have a headache though. Woke up with it. It went away for a few hours, but it's back now. With a vengeance. Ugh. Stupid headache. 

So, last week I took care of a Spanish speaking patient. She knew a tiny bit of English, and, well, I know a tiny bit of Spanish. I only had to use the interpreter phone twice (when explaining medical stuff), the rest of the day we were able to communicate. But this experience has rekindled my desire to learn Spanish. Like, really learn it. No matter how hard it is or how long it takes. I tried to learn it about 2 years ago and had a hard time because my memory is shot from doing ECT for 3 years. I gave up. I hate that I gave up. I would be so much better off if I stuck with it. But noooooo, it was hard so I quit. I'm not going to do that this time. I'm going to learn. I still have my subscription to Babbel, which I used for the first time again yesterday. And all my learning Spanish books. And note cards I made. I'm going to do this!! 

I worked Sunday, primary nursery, and we had a sad situation. A gal came in for a labor check and there were no heart tones. She was a scheduled c-section the next day (Monday). And there were no heart tones. I assisted during her c-section to deliver a baby born sleeping. It was so very sad. I got weight and measurements, did hand prints and foot prints. This perfect baby boy who was called back by God too soon. My job is usually a happy one. But when it isn't, it isn't. I've prayed for this family every night. Maybe you could, too. 

In other news, I've been trying to stay productive with sewing and drawing/painting. For the most part I'm doing okay. I'm stock piling sock rats and little owls and soul suckers in hopes of doing a toy con with them. However, I don't think this year will be the year for me to do that. Maybe next year, when I have more time to prepare (the toy con I was going to do this year is in December and I feel overwhelmed). Anyway, here's a little fox I painted:

With his cute butterfly friend! I like him. And I thought I had him sold after I posted him on FB, but apparently some people think $20 for an original piece of artwork is too much. Whatever. I need to scan it and post it on Etsy. I'm going to be slowly raising my prices on original pieces as I plan to start offering prints of some of them. But yeah. People annoy me. 

Anyway, that's it for this week. 

Friday 4/30/21 Work and Whatnot

 Wow. Two posts in one week. How weird.

Actually, I just feel like writing. See, I've been a little down in the dumps the past few days. Not really . . . bad, just a little down. No motivation. Cranky. Blah. And exhausted. Old patterns are trying to sneak their way back into my life and I'm actively fighting them every day. Which can be quite mentally draining. And I'm feeling it. For example, I'm off today. I figured I'd sleep in a little, have breakfast and coffee, shower, and then paint and read and clean up around the house. I got up, made coffee, and then went back to bed for an hour and a half. Got up again, had breakfast and drank my now-luke-warm coffee, and then went back to bed for another hour. Reluctantly, at 11am, I got up and showered. I wanted to stay in bed. All day. I feel so damn tired. Add to that the lack of motivation and you've got a recipe for disaster. 

I know part of the problem is work. It's been so damn busy the past 2 months and everyone is getting burnt out. We're all working our call shifts and we're short staffed most days. I've picked up extra on top of my call and I'm kind of done with it. But of course that didn't stop me from saying yes to picking up next Tuesday, making my week look like: work on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, on call on Thursday the whole day, and then working Saturday and Sunday. Seriously. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm a glutton for punishment I guess. 

I'm trying not to have a bad attitude when I work but the mornings when I'm getting ready are filled with heavy sighs and dread. I have to talk myself up, stop the negative commentary in my mind, and force myself to be positive and upbeat. The sad thing is, I'm finding myself having to do this on my days off, too. I'm more sensitive to people's comments and jokes (including hubby's) and I just don't feel like doing anything. No gym for the past 2 weeks, no spin bike. My bedtime keeps getting earlier because I'm tired, I'm "in the mood" very rarely and when I am I have trouble reaching orgasm. I'd rather sleep. It's annoying and all of this is making me feel worse. 

It's not depression - I wouldn't say it's depression. Yet. But if I don't nip this in the bud it could very well go that route. I've mentioned before that I feel like I need a vacation. Even a mini vacation, an overnight stay somewhere. Doesn't have to be expensive or fancy and we don't even have to do much of anything. Just some time away from everything. It's hard when I'm working so much and you have a dog you don't know what you're going to do with while you're gone. 

I'm really kind of ranting, aren't I? That's okay, it helps to get it out. That's why I sat down to write in the first place. The bottom line is that I'm tired and I don't want to get worse. I'm scared of getting worse. I've even been partaking in retail therapy again, something I know I shouldn't be doing because small purchases add up. I ordered some supplements ($120 worth, oh shit) and a new purse. In addition to some other purchases that I'm sure hubby won't be happy about. I guess it's good that I'm working extra next Tuesday . . . and possibly Thursday . . .