Tuesday 6/13/23 Back from Japan

 It's been almost a month since I last wrote. Wow. Time flies . . .

The big news is that we're back from Japan. We got in late Saturday night (just before midnight). We had almost 24 hours of travel time with flights and layovers. We were exhausted and went straight to bed (and were exhausted enough to actually get a little bit of sleep - something I've lacked the past 2 nights). Sunday morning before we left to pick Moya (our dog) up from the pet sitter's we discovered that our pipes had backed up downstairs (both in the bathroom and utility room). Joy. Poop water everywhere. So whilst driving to get Moya we had to find an emergency plumber to come out to the house (which one did and a quick snaking of our pipes fixed the problem - apparently not flushing your toilets for over 2 weeks can cause this). Sunday was a long day. We had to grocery shop as we had no food in the house, which took way longer than it should have. Mainly because we spent almost 2 hours at Costco trying out and then purchasing a fancy massage chair (man I wish we had the chair already - 4-6 weeks). It was just a long day with jet lag. 

Yesterday we ran errands and otherwise did not really relax. Sunday night into Monday I got maybe 3 hours of sleep and last night I got around 2 hours. My body is still on Japan time and I couldn't fall asleep last night. And I got up 5 times in 3 hours to pee. I don't know what the hell my body is thinking. It's confused as hell. I go back to work tomorrow but I don't know how I'm going to function if I don't get any sleep. 

Anyway. The trip. It was amazing. Beautiful. Inspiring. Exhausting. We saw so many things and  did so much stuff. We were constantly go, go, go. Soooooo much walking. So much food! I wasn't as adventurous in my food experimentation as Jeremy was - he tried everything. Including a whole octopus and sea urchin. (Gross) I'd have to say my favorite food was okonomiyaki. It's a Japanese type pancake made with cabbage, eggs, protein of your choice (I had chicken), and covered in mayonnaise and Worcestershire sauce that has been thickened. Soooo freaking good. Takoyaki was tasty as well (fried octopus balls). We tried so many different things and ate what we wanted when we wanted. Surprisingly I didn't gain any weight (I ended up losing a pound - thanks walking!). 

We started in Tokyo, then spent 2 days in Osaka, 5 in Kyoto, and then back to Tokyo. While in Kyoto we took day trips to both Nara and Hiroshima. I have to say, Nara was my favorite. Why? Deer. Deer everywhere. Tame-ish deer whom you could feed. And they would bow for crackers. And they were so gentle taking the crackers from you. I love them! Kyoto was mostly temples and shrines, the bamboo forest, and a traditional tea ceremony which was very cool (I even got supplies to make my own traditional matcha tea). In Osaka we were mainly in the Dotonbori area which is food, food, and more food. Tokyo we were everywhere. Went to Team Labs which is an interactive, digital art experience. It's similar to MeowWolf but more relaxed and calming, less stimulating. We used public transport a LOT. Mostly trains and subways in Tokyo and other cities, taxis in Kyoto. And, well, lots of walking. It was very tiring and very awesome. 

I need to upload photos onto the computer and then I can post some here. It's going to be difficult to pick which ones to post (I took SO MANY pictures), but I'll try and post some from each place we went. Eventually I'll get to it. Right now I'm too tired to really think straight.

 

Tuesday 7/5/22 It's already July

Wow. July just kind of crept in there. Fast. This summer seems like it's flying by (but the days are moving slow as molasses - how is that possible?). Yesterday was the 4th, and I worked. Did 4 deliveries and it was a weird day. Just . . . weird. Today I'm off, I volunteer from 5:15 - 6:15pm. I don't feel like going, but I will. I haven't done anything today. Like, nothing. Unless you count listening to 2 webinars doing something (I don't). Well, laundry. I did finally start a load of laundry.

These past several days have been rough, mood wise. I've been more depressed, more down, more quiet, more withdrawn. And I hate it. It sucks. The increased dose of Wellbutrin seems to be having no effect except for my peeing issues. I still have a week before I see my psychiatrist again, but I'm pretty darn positive I'm going to drop back down to 300mg. I just don't know what more we will do. I don't know what else there is. Which is disheartening. And bleak. 

It's hard to go through the motions when all I want to do is hide away or sleep. I feel like I need to cry but I can't. I tear up, but, nothing comes. I think, maybe if I had an emotional release I'd feel better. But I just can't seem to do it. 

I'm trying to be proactive while I'm not in therapy (probably won't have a session until the beginning of August, maybe later). I read the book Perfect Daughters, which is a book about daughters of alcoholics. Wow did it hit home. And I'm doing a workbook for adult children of alcoholics. I'm just doing it slowly so as not to overwhelm myself. I listened to a webinar on becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable. And one on binge eating (yeah - I binge eat. I don't purge, but I binge). I'm trying to do things that will be helpful to me to heal my childhood trauma. Because maybe, just maybe, if I can move forward in this it will help my depression. And because it's something I just need to do. 

But I'm struggling. Really struggling. I'm beating myself up over being depressed. I'm beating myself up over binging yesterday at work (and every other time I binge). I'm beating myself up over everything. How I look, how I act, what I say, what I do . . . you name it, I'm probably beating myself up over it. Which, obviously, doesn't help at all on the depression front. I'm just so fucking miserable and I'm sick of it. I just want to be better. I want to be content and to experience happiness sometimes. I want to be free of self loathing. But I don't know what to do. I try to squash all of these negative thoughts when they come, which is difficult and exhausting. And they keep coming - they don't stop. 

And I'm tired of hiding my true self from everyone. I'm hiding my depression, albeit not very well right now. At work I've been quiet, withdrawn, and even standoffish. I can keep up a charade with my patients but am having a hard time with coworkers. It's so much work. And I'm tired. So very tired. 

I know all of my posts have been depressing as of late. But that's my reality. And, lets be honest, this blog gets like one view per post so . . . fuck it. I'm going to write what I feel like.   

Thursday 2/24/22 Another Heavy Sigh Day

Two posts close together. Weird. 

On Monday (my last post), I didn't really feel like writing. But I did. At least a little bit. Today I feel like writing . . . but I don't know how much. 

I had therapy this morning and I don't really know what to say anymore there. I feel like I'm beating a dead horse. I'm bipolar, I have depression, this is what I feel like, these are the things I'm doing to combat it, blah, blah, blah. Over and over again. I feel as though I'm boring Mike - which is a stupid way to feel - but I can't help it. In the 8-9 years I've been seeing Mike we've gone over all of my trauma ad nauseum. There isn't anything new to discuss. No reason I should be feeling the way I do except that I'm bipolar. And in a depressive episode. Which, honestly, is frustrating. Because yeah - I feel like I'm boring and whiney and undeserving. I feel like I shouldn't be in therapy, like I should be able to figure this out on my own by now. 

But I can't.

And as much as I let on that there is hope . . . I feel kind of lost and hopeless. Because this keeps going on. I keep having episodes. And I will keep having episodes for as long as I live. And that's a very daunting future. Even though I had a year of "normalcy" it's like I can't remember what it was like. The depression is so consuming, even though it's not nearly as bad as it was in the past. I'm still struggling. Every. Single. Day. I'm struggling. Quietly. Undetectable to most people, I'm struggling. 

See, my depression isn't the obvious sobbing, suicidal crisis. I'm not having breakdowns every day. This episode is insidious and quiet and unrelenting. No, I'm not sobbing over everything. In fact, I can't cry. It doesn't matter what happens, I can't cry. There's nothing there. This episode has left me an empty husk. An unfeeling thing with such limited emotions it's as if I feel nothing. I'm dead inside. Hollow. There's nothing left. I'm just going about the motions of life, doing what needs to be done, doing the bare minimum because I have no drive, no motivation, no life inside of me. This is a horrible way to feel, to feel nothing. And I'm lost as to what to do. 

Mike thinks my medications are to blame. Maybe they are. They're keeping the mania at bay - and probably the worst of my depression - but I'm left numb. I'm left unfeeling. And, I guess, I should clarify: I can feel anger. Anger, resentment, annoyance, irritability. I can feel those emotions. But joy? Happiness? Contentment? Sorrow, even? No. Those emotions are out of my grasp. 

I describe it as feeling "blah" or "meh". I'm just existing. I don't get excited for anything. I'm getting a new tattoo next Tuesday and I'm all, "yep. Whatever." Like I don't even care. Which, I guess, I really don't. Being so empty it's hard to care. About anything. All I want to do is sleep. Sleep and not wake up until I feel better. So I nap. A lot. Because then I don't have to deal with not feeling. 

I'm doing everything I know to do to beat this. Exercising, eating healthy, painting, therapy, my meds, supplements, praying, singing along to music, putting on a happy face . . . you name it, I'm probably doing it. I don't know what else to do. What the fuck am I supposed to do??? I'm so tired of this, tired of fighting a war I can't win. 

I guess I'll call my psychiatrist. Talk to him about adjusting my meds. I don't know what else to do. 

Monday 2/21/22 Heavy Sigh

 It's been that kind of day. A heavy sigh kind of day. I am . . . quite blah. And actually feeling a bit down today as well. I'm not sure why. I mean, the "blah" I get. That seems to be my go to state of being as of late. But feeling down too . . . ugh. I'm not digging it. 

I spent the morning painting. I had a custom pet portrait to do, a dog. I'm always nervous doing custom orders because I think the person will hate it. It came out cute and the gal loved it. So, yay for that! I guess I can stop beating myself up about it now. Maybe that's why I'm feeling down as well as blah. Who knows.

I'm tired of how I'm feeling. I'm tired of being tired. I'm not physically tired - this is more emotionally and mentally tired. My soul is tired. And no amount of sleep will help this. I'm not sure anything will help this. I just keep powering through, hoping I'll eventually start feeling better. It has to happen sometime, right? 

Nothing else of interest is really going on. I go to work. I work. I come home. On my days off I paint or draw or stare off into space or mindlessly scroll social media because I can't focus enough to read. Last Thursday I talked on the phone with a guy named Jacob. He has bipolar disorder and sees my therapist. It's amazing how similar yet different our symptoms are. It was a good conversation, although I felt more like I was being interviewed. 

It's weird, usually when I'm feeling down I have the urge to write. And today I really don't. Maybe it's because I've said it all before. Maybe it's because I don't want to be a downer. Maybe it's both of those things. I'm just so empty and anhedonic and apathetic and blah. I really don't want to exist like this. I want to go to sleep and wake up when this is over. Why can't I do that?

Wednesday 1/19/22 Ugh

 So yesterday I had a rapid covid test and I was still covid positive. Which means no work for me today. I could potentially go back Friday. But I may call off. We'll see. Otherwise it's 5 days off, work Friday, 5 days off. I may just want that extra day off. . . Overall though, covid isn't too bad. Like a bad cold. You know: congestion, cough, headache, chills, body aches . . . But the fatigue. Oh man the fatigue!! I have no energy. Lethargic. Just completely wiped out. That's the worst part about it. 

And yesterday I actually had a decent day mood wise. Like, I was able to laugh a bit, joke around, and be myself. It was nice. I even started thinking hey! Maybe my depression is lifting!

And then today happened.

I woke up feeling pretty darn down. I've stayed pretty darn down. And it makes me angry. And annoyed. And upset. And there's nothing I can do about it. I managed to shower, but I didn't wash my hair. And I didn't put on any makeup. I couldn't be bothered with it. That's the depression side of me taking over (not the covid tired side). Because yesterday I showered, did my hair and put on make up, even though I was covid tired. But today . . . no. And that sucks. 

And, I might as well get it out there, my mom keeps calling me. Every day. Drunk. Acting as though ME having covid is one  of the worst things  to ever happen to her. Yeah. She's acting as though I'm critically ill and is throwing herself a pity party about how horrific it is and about how I have to get better and oh by-the-way maybe she has covid too because she had a sinus infection a week ago and the antibiotics are making her nauseous. Seriously. I'm FUCKING OVER IT. She's making MY being sick all about HER. I'm tired of listening to her, I'm tired of dealing with her, and I'm not answering the phone anymore. I don't need to listen to her whine about what my symptoms are anymore. I'm done. I'm fucking done. 

In other news, I'm washing all the bedding today. Because clean bedding is awesome. 

That is all.

Tuesday 11/9/21 Work and Overwhelm

 Well, here we are again, you and I. A little over a week has gone by and I'm very tired and burnt out. I'm also feeling a little bit used. More on that in a minute. 

How are you, faithful reader? There's only one of you (or maybe there's more who stumble upon my blog and the count doesn't show it - who knows). I'm doing . . . okay. I've been battling a cold the past week and my congestion and cough are horrible. It's been keeping me up at night - most notably last night. Though I feel fine - not sick at all, really - just tired and congested. I hate colds like this, that linger. It's very annoying. I still worked, even though I was "under the weather". I don't like calling in sick and I felt well enough to work, so why not? We're all wearing masks anyway, so I'm probably not spreading too many germs. 

Last week I worked 4 days - two 12 hour shifts and two 6 hour shifts. The 6 hour shifts were brutally slow. Why two 6 hour shifts and not one 12 hour? Well, that's because I split 2 shifts with a coworker (who is also a good friend). So instead of one full shift, I ended up with two half shifts. The first was Sunday, Halloween. My friend worked the morning and I worked the back half so she could take her son trick or treating. It was a slow afternoon that dragged on and on. Then I worked Wednesday and Friday full shifts. Both days were steady. Then this past Saturday was my other half shift. Again, I worked the second half so my friend could get family photos done. And this is why I feel a bit used. See, I'm pretty flexible with my work schedule. And everyone seems to know this. So everyone comes to me with trades. I usually say yes, because if I don't have anything planned, then why not? Right? I'm a good egg, helping my coworkers out. Which has been leaving me feeling taken advantage of. Why? Because there have been a couple times when I really needed a trade and no one was there to help me. But it's just expected of me to trade with others, move my shifts around to accommodate everyone else. I've been getting more and more frustrated with this. And this last swap with my friend was kind of the last straw. Mainly because she just expected me to do the trade, no questions asked. It just rubbed me the wrong way. Especially since I've been so burnt out at work. I didn't feel appreciated. Just . . . used. 

And I am still burnt out. Really burnt out. I worked all last weekend - Friday, Saturday, and Sunday - and I'm working all this weekend too. I want to go to church and watch football but nooooo, my dumbass had to trade a shift. I'm trying to see the bright side. Like, it gives me 4 days off in a row. Time to recharge! Except I'm not recharging - I'm just annoyed and tired. I accomplished nothing yesterday and I've accomplished nothing today either. I'm so tired and I have no motivation. I get up, take the boy to school, have breakfast and coffee, and then go back to bed for an hour or so before I shower. Then I do nothing and end up taking a nap. This is what I do on my days off. And it is NOT recharging my battery. I feel worthless and pointless and unmotivated and lazy and fed up with myself. I hate that I'm doing this but I can't seem to stop or get out of this rut I'm in. It's like all I do is work and sleep my life away. Sounds like depression, doesn't it? I think there's a little bit there, hiding out in the shadows, not  really perceptible, but there none the less. And I think it's sapping my energy. My motivation. My joy. I think it's contributing to my burn out and overwhelm. And then my burn out and overwhelm make the depression that much stronger. It's a cycle. One I intend to break. I just don't know how. 

Tomorrow I'll start breaking it. Tomorrow I'm going to try something different. I'm going to get up early and shower before I take the boy to school. I'm not going to let myself lay back down. I'm not going to nap. I'm going to sew. I'm going to be productive. Tomorrow and Thursday (because starting Friday I'm back at work for 3 in a row). We'll see how I do. Fingers crossed.   

 

Monday 11/1/21 November . . .

 It's November. How the heck did that happen? Time seems to be flying by, but at the same time almost standing still. I don't know if that makes any sense. 

I'm feeling out of sorts today. Down, no motivation, no drive, no nothing. I feel like I'm running on empty. I didn't shower this morning until 10:30 - I laid in bed until then. I've managed to do laundry and the dishes, but that's it. I don't want to do anything else. Everything seems so hard. And pointless. And I know this feeling will pass - I felt this way a week and a half ago and it did, indeed, pass. But here I am again, feeling blah. I don't know what I need or what I'm, I guess, waiting for? I don't know. I just feel stuck. In a rut. And I can't seem to pull myself out of it. 

I had a good morning yesterday, went to mass, had coffee, hung out . . . and then I went in to work at 1 (I split the shift with another nurse). I got to work and I felt drained of all happiness. Drained of all my energy. Which made me realize just how burnt out I am at work. How much I don't want to be there, even though I do love my job. Something has to change, I just don't know what that something is. I don't want to change positions - I genuinely love what I do. I would be even more miserable on another unit (which, of course, we're all floating to other units to help out because the entire hospital is short staffed). And let's be honest - floating SUCKS. But I don't want to get into that right now. I want to reiterate how shocked I was at how unhappy I was at work yesterday. Maybe it's because I was bored. But, I found things to do. Maybe it's because of some of the people. But, I avoided them. I think I'm just horribly burnt out and I don't know what to do. And I know it's not just me - which is the sad thing. Most every nurse I know is burnt out right now. 

And then, last night I found out something terrible - my mom, who was supposed to fly to Arizona yesterday to help out my grandparents, was pushed by some asshole down an escalator. She spent the night in the hospital and fractured her arm and eye socket, and has 18 stitches in her face. She looks awful. I already hate people and this definitely does not instill hope in me for humanity. This hurts my heart and makes me incredibly angry. And I know it's probably contributing to my bad mood today. 

But what can I do? Everything is out of my control. The world is going to shit and there's nothing I can do. My mood is going to shit and there's nothing I can do. All of the positivity and mantras and napping, etc isn't doing anything. I'm still feeling crappy. All of this makes me wonder . . . maybe I don't love my job. Maybe I need something else. But what? I don't want to work on another unit. I really don't. When I think long and hard about it, I don't. Other units suck even more. Caring for new babies is rewarding. Helping new parents with their babies is rewarding. I need a break. I need a purpose. I need a why. I've lost my way it seems and I need some guidance. I need God's help in this. I guess I just put it in His hands and ask for help. Surrender. Have faith that He'll guide me straight. I don't know what else to do.  

Thursday 10/28/21 A Bit Better

 My last post was a bit of a downer, wasn't it? Yes, yes it was. I'm happy to say that I'm doing a bit better mentally this week, which is a good thing. I really am terribly burnt out at the moment and I need a good rest. 

I called in sick to work this morning. I worked yesterday - it was crazy busy. And so I was tired and I'm burnt out. And on Tuesday I hurt my back and have been in pain since then. It even hurt to just breathe. So I called in sick. For my back - so I could see my chiropractor today - and for my mental health - so I don't lose my shit. I saw my chiropractor about an hour ago and my back feels so much better. She worked on my right clavicle also which has been bothering me for the past two months (I'm icing it now as I type). I took Motrin, I had lunch, I'm relaxing. And I even think I'm going to book a massage! My chiropractor's hubby is a masseuse and he's very reasonably priced. So yes, I think a massage is in order. 

All of this is helping my mental state. I was able to sleep in this morning and have a lazy morning. I didn't get in the shower until 10. It is all much needed. Self care people! Let's be honest though - I  do feel guilty for calling in sick today. I don't like leaving my coworkers hanging. Night shift charge told me there was enough staff, but it still makes me feel guilty. However, I needed today. Sometimes you just gotta take a mental health day. 

Tomorrow we're going up to Denver to see Meow Wolf, an interactive art display. It should be cool. And a nice break from the daily grind. Saturday I get my hair cut, which I have been looking forward to because my hair is simply way too long (it's been 7 weeks since I last had it cut, and it wasn't quite short enough last time). Little things. Little snippets of self care, trying to combat my icky feels of last week. Because I really did feel pretty icky last week. I'm so glad I'm doing better. 

Thursday 9/30/21 Tired

 Well, another week has gone by and not much of anything is going on. Except work and laundry, the two constants. 

Work is still busy. Annoyingly so. But on the rare days we're not super busy, we're being floated to other units. Which sucks. Mostly we're being used as sitters, meaning we're sitting in a patient's room for the full 12 hour shift basically staring at them and charting what they're doing every 15 minutes. Being a sitter is horrifically boring and awkward. 

In other news, I'm sick of this pandemic. I know, I know, everyone is. But it's especially hard being a healthcare worker. I'm so burnt out it's not even funny. And I have it pretty cushy on my unit - we only have about one covid patient a week (whereas other units have over half of their patients with covid). But yet, I'm burnt out and sick of the pandemic. I'm sick of hearing about it constantly. I'm sick of all of the arguing and finger pointing. I'm sick of vaccine mandates (I believe in body autonomy). I'm sick of it all. 

I'm also tired. All. The. Time. Tired. It doesn't matter how much sleep I get, I'm tired. And being so tired is severely hampering my motivation to get stuff done. Should I do the dishes or nap? Sew or nap? Paint or nap? Often, napping wins. Especially after lunch - I get so groggy and sleepy after lunch. No matter what I eat. Healthy or junk, I'm sleepy. 

I haven't been to the gym in a month and a half. I lapsed at first when I had my tooth pulled because ANY physical activity - even going up the stairs at home - made the whole left side of my face throb in pain. But then when it got better, I just continued not going. I haven't gained any weight thank goodness, but I feel gross. 

For the past month, too, I've been feeling like I'm getting sick. The slightest bit of malaise. Slight sore throat, slight headache. And a cough that comes and goes. I'm sure I wrote about this in a previous post. I'm still dealing with it. Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm so freaking tired. 

Anyway, I painted today - 3 foxes - and did laundry and the dishes. So I guess I feel accomplished. And I'm blogging (not that this takes much brain power or physical ability). But at least I'm not napping, even though I desperately want to. 

The weather is cooler today, only around 50 degrees. Overcast and chilly. The leaves are changing and I'm hoping to go to the mountains on Saturday to see the aspens. A nice mountain drive. Clear my head. Get away, even if only for a day. 

Friday 8/20/21 Yeah

 Wow. It's been almost a month since I last wrote. Crazy. I didn't think it had been this long. And the sad thing? Nothing much is going on. It's pretty much been the same thing, over and over. 

Work is still busy as fuck. I'm still burnt out. I'm still working my extra shifts and being asked to work more (I don't though). But I only have 3 more shifts until I have 10 days off. Ten glorious days in a row without work. I'm so looking forward to it. The thing that sucks though is that the first day of the ten off I'm having a molar pulled. I am NOT looking forward to that. It's the molar I had a root canal done on. When the dentist did the root canal, some of the sealant went through the root and into my jaw. So this isn't going to be an easy wiggle-wiggle-pull type of procedure. No, they'll probably have to shatter the tooth and pull out the pieces. My dentist told me to do it under anesthesia because of the pain. Joy. And told me that I would be in pain for several days after. Severe pain. Double joy. So the first few days of my time off will be spent recovering from this. Oh! And I get to have nothing but soft foods for two weeks. Triple joy.

Let's move on to something less horrible - today marks the end of the first week of high school for my son. I can't believe I have a high schooler!! And to think that next March he can get his learner's permit. He'll be driving! It's pretty cool though, watching him grow and change over the years . . . He's such a good kid. The best kid really. I'm so proud of him. 

I've had a hard time with motivation and inspiration lately. The only thing I'm motivated to do is sleep. Nap. Go to bed. It's awful. I hate that I feel this way. And with my artwork I have no inspiration. No drive to do or make anything. Every once in awhile I'll get a little spark. The tiniest little burst of inspiration, but always at the most inopportune time. And then - poof - it's gone. I want to sew cute things, but I don't know what. Or how. (I'm really over the whole zombie thing). And I want to draw and paint things . . . I just don't know what. I see other people's work and I'm jealous - I wish I could create something that others want to buy. But I'm stuck in a rut. A rut with no creativity. 

In other news, I awoke to a text from my bank yesterday stating that they noticed suspicious activity on my debit card. Checked the account and someone apparently hacked my Etsy account and went on a spending spree. Luckily Etsy caught it, cancelled the orders, and the money was refunded. So yesterday and this morning were spent trying to get my account back and protected. We cancelled my bank card so I had to get a new one. I've changed my password on Etsy 4 times now (as I keep getting shut out and prompted to create a new password). It's been a stressful mess. So I changed my passwords to everything. Ugh. What a pain in the ass. 

That's about it. There's not much else going on. Work and blah and exhaustion.  

Thursday 7/29/21 I got my tattoo!

 Holy cow y'all! July is almost over! This summer has flown by! Just, really flown by. It's hard to believe that my son will be starting high school on August 16th - that's not far away. It's crazy. But it's happening. 

In other news, yes, I'm still burnt out at work. It's been a little better, but I'm still burnt out. This week is Monday, Wednesday, and Friday (although I was asked if I'd work today too - I declined). This week has been ever so slightly slower, but still busy in the big scheme of things. Still looking forward to my time off in August. 

Also, today has been weird. I woke up feeling weak and lightheaded and stayed that way all morning. I was planning on getting on the spin bike and doing legs, but I couldn't. Just walking bills out to the mailbox made me short of breath and feeling like I was going to pass out. I don't know what was up. I've also had the trots today, all morning really. That seems to have subsided now. Thank goodness! I don't like feeling how I was. I thought maybe low blood sugar or low blood pressure, but I have no way to test those theories. I've eaten breakfast and lunch and am feeling a bit better now, but still like I have no energy. Which is annoying. I want to be able to workout. 

And, like the title says, I did get my tattoo last Friday! I love it! I went with a new artist this time around and couldn't be happier. It only took 2 hours and didn't hurt at all. 

This was taken two days after having it done (it's currently in the peeling stage). My little chickadee. This is on the top of my right forearm. Pretty darn cool, right? It's my own artwork, as are most of my tattoos. 

Thursday 5/6/21 Feeling Better

 My last post was a Debbie Downer, wasn't it? Well, I'm happy to say that I'm feeling quite a bit better now. My mood is improved, though I'm still lacking in the motivation department. I worked the last 3 days - BUSY days - and was on call today. Thankfully, I was released from call, so no work for me today! Which is wonderful because I was freaking tired when I got up this morning. So tired that I took a mid morning nap already. I'm off tomorrow too, which is nice, because I still work Saturday and Sunday. 

Tuesday was the day I went to work extra because we had no one to work nursery. I made time and a half and my manager gave me a $125 gift card to say thank you for saving her butt. I wasn't expecting that so that was nice. And I'm spending my day today doing laundry. Yay laundry!!

There's nothing much going on. I'm planning on painting tomorrow - I have 4 bird sketches to paint. And probably more laundry. Cause laundry never ends. Ever. I'm just very grateful that I'm feeling like me again. I really was worried there for a minute. 

So anyway, short post is short. 

Friday 4/30/21 Work and Whatnot

 Wow. Two posts in one week. How weird.

Actually, I just feel like writing. See, I've been a little down in the dumps the past few days. Not really . . . bad, just a little down. No motivation. Cranky. Blah. And exhausted. Old patterns are trying to sneak their way back into my life and I'm actively fighting them every day. Which can be quite mentally draining. And I'm feeling it. For example, I'm off today. I figured I'd sleep in a little, have breakfast and coffee, shower, and then paint and read and clean up around the house. I got up, made coffee, and then went back to bed for an hour and a half. Got up again, had breakfast and drank my now-luke-warm coffee, and then went back to bed for another hour. Reluctantly, at 11am, I got up and showered. I wanted to stay in bed. All day. I feel so damn tired. Add to that the lack of motivation and you've got a recipe for disaster. 

I know part of the problem is work. It's been so damn busy the past 2 months and everyone is getting burnt out. We're all working our call shifts and we're short staffed most days. I've picked up extra on top of my call and I'm kind of done with it. But of course that didn't stop me from saying yes to picking up next Tuesday, making my week look like: work on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, on call on Thursday the whole day, and then working Saturday and Sunday. Seriously. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm a glutton for punishment I guess. 

I'm trying not to have a bad attitude when I work but the mornings when I'm getting ready are filled with heavy sighs and dread. I have to talk myself up, stop the negative commentary in my mind, and force myself to be positive and upbeat. The sad thing is, I'm finding myself having to do this on my days off, too. I'm more sensitive to people's comments and jokes (including hubby's) and I just don't feel like doing anything. No gym for the past 2 weeks, no spin bike. My bedtime keeps getting earlier because I'm tired, I'm "in the mood" very rarely and when I am I have trouble reaching orgasm. I'd rather sleep. It's annoying and all of this is making me feel worse. 

It's not depression - I wouldn't say it's depression. Yet. But if I don't nip this in the bud it could very well go that route. I've mentioned before that I feel like I need a vacation. Even a mini vacation, an overnight stay somewhere. Doesn't have to be expensive or fancy and we don't even have to do much of anything. Just some time away from everything. It's hard when I'm working so much and you have a dog you don't know what you're going to do with while you're gone. 

I'm really kind of ranting, aren't I? That's okay, it helps to get it out. That's why I sat down to write in the first place. The bottom line is that I'm tired and I don't want to get worse. I'm scared of getting worse. I've even been partaking in retail therapy again, something I know I shouldn't be doing because small purchases add up. I ordered some supplements ($120 worth, oh shit) and a new purse. In addition to some other purchases that I'm sure hubby won't be happy about. I guess it's good that I'm working extra next Tuesday . . . and possibly Thursday . . . 

 

Tuesday 3/23/21 Retreat

 Let's start by saying I had a busy week. Work has been crazy - all of the covid babies are starting to be delivered. We are almost always short staffed and its just been soooooo busy! Last night we delivered five babies in 30 minutes! So I've been tired. Still so damn tired. I know part of it is work (I also picked up an extra shift last week), but part of it . . . I don't know. Part of it is my stupid fatigue that won't leave me alone. And it's frustrating. I don't want to be this tired all the time. I have no energy and no motivation. It sucks.

But let's talk about something else. I've been going to RCIA classes since, um, September I think? I'll be honest - I don't know what RCIA stands for. But basically, it's a program of classes to become Catholic. Class is every Tuesday night from 6:30 - 8:30. There are videos, discussions, homework, Bible readings, prayer, and lots of learning. It's been interesting. And part way through I decided that yes, I'm going to become Catholic. Which actually was not an easy decision, as there are some aspects of Catholicism that I don't completely agree with. But I'm taking the plunge - both literally and figuratively. So this past Saturday was our retreat, a day long class so to speak. It started with 8am mass, followed by breakfast and then several hours of quiet, self-guided reflection. 

Saturday was the first time I attended mass by myself and it was very different than the masses held on Sundays. It was more informal and only 30 minutes long. But nice. The self guided reflection was not quite what I expected. I mean, I knew we were going to be given a packet to fill out, but I guess I thought there would be more to it. I was a little disappointed. It was more free journaling than anything. Most of the people at the retreat also gave their first confession (I was unable to as I have not yet been baptized). I think I would have gotten more out of the experience had I been able to confess. But alas, such was not the case. 

And speaking of baptism, I am being baptized. In about a week and a half at the Saturday night vigil before Easter. After lunch at the retreat we went over what to expect at the baptism (it's me and 3 kids). Let's just say I'll get soaked. It's not a full dunking, but yeah, soaked. At the Easter vigil I'll also be confirmed and have first communion. So this is a pretty big deal. I'm nervous and excited (maybe a little more nervous - I don't want to somehow screw this up). I start off wearing black clothes and then change into white clothes after the baptism, to represent the washing away of sin. Plus, you don't want to be sitting around for 3 hours in wet clothes. True story.

I'm not sure what to expect with all of this in terms of how I'm going to feel. Will it be a profound experience? I certainly hope so. But there's no way of knowing until I go through with it. This sounds utterly ridiculous coming from me, but I hope I'm filled with the holy spirit. I hope it's profound. I hope I am moved. 

Tuesday 3/16/21 A Winter Storm

 I have a day off! Yay! I worked this past Saturday, Sunday, and Monday (three 12 hour shifts in a row is tiring) and I have today off before working again Wednesday and Thursday. Ugh. I'm drained. I slept in this morning, had breakfast and coffee, and then went back to bed for an hour. Took a nice long shower and I feel somewhat human again. It was a long weekend. And I lost an hour of sleep Sunday because of daylight savings. And we had a blizzard. It wasn't too crazy of a blizzard, but it definitely made driving home Sunday night dangerous (it was almost white out conditions with the blowing snow). I almost had to stay the night at work Sunday night as the hospital called an "external disaster" alarm. So I couldn't leave until my relief showed up. Thankfully she did and I could go home. 

So remember my lab work? I saw my doc last Thursday and my iron ratio was high (45% is the upper limit and I'm at 60%). So she drew an iron level to see if that was elevated too. Luckily, it came back within the normal range. Which is nice because the only way to treat high iron levels is blood letting. Seriously. I'd have to donate blood at least monthly to keep high levels down (high levels of iron can damage the liver and the kidneys - it's called hemachromatosis). I still may have hemachromatosis, but my levels aren't high enough to need to be treated. So that is wonderful news! 

I've still been feeling fatigued, I still have my other symptoms, but for now we're just "watching" them. Doc doesn't want to do a sleep study yet (which I'm thankful for because I was not looking forward to that). But it's still frustrating. I don't want to have to feel this way. I was having hot flashes at work yesterday. It was pretty miserable. But, We'll wait and see how it goes I guess. I'm most likely in peri menopause. Damn I'm old!

Paleo is still going well. I meal planned lunches, made some healthy dinners. I'm not craving sugar as much as I thought I would, which is a miracle. It makes the whole going paleo thing a lot more feasible.

I have no new artwork to share. I haven't been feeling creative for the past 3 or more weeks. I was going to force myself this week but all I'm doing is working. Maybe Friday. We'll see. 

Tuesday 3/9/21 Test Results

 Well, another week has gone by. My son turned 14 yesterday, which is crazy. He's going to be driving soon! Aaaaaaaaa! We went to a Japanese ramen place for dinner Saturday night to celebrate and got ice cream after. He got lots of Manga books, games for his Switch . . . But yeah. Makes me feel old. And time definitely seems to be flying by.

Do you remember me having lots of lab work drawn? For my fatigue and other symptoms? I got the results in the mail the other day and I'm a little disappointed. Because everything is "normal" (well, my iron was high, and my triglycerides are slightly elevated). But "normal". I was so sure something was going  to come back out of whack. This is frustrating. I see my doc this Thursday to go over the results which just seems pointless. She's going to want to do a sleep study to look for sleep apnea. Because I snore sometimes. The really frustrating thing is, sure, sleep apnea could explain why I'm so tired, but it doesn't explain hair thinning, dry scalp, dry skin, cold sensitivity, and hot flashes. What about my other symptoms? This is annoying. And stupid. I have symptoms of hypothyroid but my levels are "normal". So I won't be treated. Or probably taken seriously. After all, blood tests don't lie, right? So I'm annoyed and frustrated and angry. 

And I have another reason I could be feeling tired: depression. Yeah. Stupid, fucking depression. I think that because I tried going off of Wellbutrin my depression is trying to come back. I've had a lot more negative thoughts, heavy sighs (lame, I know, but it's a symptom I get), not wanting to go to work, not wanting to get out of bed, and wanting to sleep the day away. All are symptoms of depression for me. Now, I don't really feel depressed. But I think I was on my way there before restarting the Wellbutrin. I'm, of course, hoping I don't advance further. And I think the depression is most likely the cause of the fatigue, rather than sleep apnea. But depression doesn't explain the other symptoms either. Which is, again, frustrating. I wish there was a clear cut answer. 

In other news, I mentioned last week that I was going to try to go paleo with my eating. Well, I'm doing it. I ate healthier last week and we bought tons of paleo foods on Sunday (like almond and coconut flour, almond butter, coconut milk, almond milk, lots of nuts and seeds . . . you get the idea). So of course shopping was expensive because we had to get all of the staples. And I'll be eating more meat and fruits and veggies, so lots of fresh produce. I've done amazing over the past week at not snacking on crap (especially at work) and avoiding refined sugar. And I even lost 2 pounds. I'm really hoping this will be a good change for me. My therapist would be proud - he told me to go paleo 2 years ago. 

Going paleo will take a lot more planning though. For all meals - not just dinner. I can't just make myself a sandwich and call it good - because I can't have bread (unless I make a paleo version myself). So there's going to be a lot more cooking on my part. And some baking. And I'm going to have to learn to like almond butter. It's definitely different than the Skippy peanut butter I'm used to. But I know I can do it. I want to get healthy, I want to lose weight. I got this! And hey, who knows, maybe it will help with the fatigue and depression. One can hope. 

Tuesday 2/23/21 Still Tired

Hi there. I'm still tired. Exhausted would be a more appropriate term, I think. And cold. My hands and feet are freezing, I'm in my hoodie, despite it being 62 degrees out (it's a gorgeous day). My hair seems to be thinning and I'm experiencing BO like I'm a teenager going through puberty again. WTF, body?? Seriously, it's ridiculous. Not to mention the muscle soreness and joint pain (thankfully mild). 

I have an appointment with my doctor this Friday. I'm sure I'll have lots of lab work drawn. I want to have lots of lab work drawn. I want to know what's going on. I have my suspicions. Sub-clinical hypothyroid is my top guess. Why subclinical? Well, I think my thyroid hormones will be within the normal range, but at the far end - not in the middle. I think this because my values always seem to be "normal" - I can't just have a clear cut answer. Which is annoying. But my symptoms match hypothyroidism. 

Though I have a feeling that my symptoms may be blamed on fibromyalgia. And who knows - maybe it really is fibromyalgia. But I think because of the muscle pain my doc might lean this way. And I could be totally off base. Who knows. 

There is a little worry in the back of my head though. A little worry that gets a little larger each day. Because I catch myself staring absently into space. Because I catch myself sighing heavily. Because I catch myself having more negative thoughts. 

Depression.

What if what I'm experiencing is depression trying to seep back into my life? I'm worried because I'm off of Welbutrin - I haven't taken it for a week now.  What if the Welbutrin was actually the reason I was feeling better and now that I'm off of it my depression is coming back. Slowly. Insidiously. What if . . .

The thing is, I don't feel depressed. I still feel happy. I still feel joyful. I don't have that emptiness in me that was all too consuming when I was depressed. But I still have that little worry. And I don't want it to be depression, obviously. And I don't want my doc to immediately jump to this conclusion because of my past. I want thorough testing done. I want all avenues checked before we make a diagnosis. I want this desperately not to be depression. 

I guess we'll see though. See what the doc says. And I'm not seeing my regular doc, btw. I'm seeing one of the PAs. Seeing my regular doc would have put my appointment time a month and a half away, instead of a week. Maybe fresh eyes will have a different perspective. 

I'm sick of feeling like this though. I want to be awake. I want to have energy. I don't want to be sore. I don't want to be cold or sweaty. Ugh. I want to feel how I did 3 months ago.

Anyway, I think I have my final version of my dove tattoo all painted out. It's a dove with cherry blossoms. And I'm really digging it.

Now I just gotta save up money . . . Sell some paintings and/or plushies. 

Tuesday 2/16/21 Finally, My Tattoo

 Well, last Wednesday my magpie tattoo was finally finished! Hooray!!! I absolutely LOVE it! I gotta say though, it hurt like the dickens. I mean, it hurt bad. And it hurt bad for several days after, too. But it's worth it because it's beautiful (at least I think so). 

This pic was taken the day after getting inked. It was tender AF. I really love it though. It matches my painting amazingly! My tattoo artist, Don, never ceases to amaze me. And now I'm working on my next tattoo - a dove with cherry blossoms. I've kind of decided that I want to sleeve out my right arm with birds. Because, well, birds. I love birds. But I'm not just picking random birds - they all have meaning behind them and they are all my own work. Two magpies, for example, represent joy. And I have felt nothing but joy in my life since finding stability. My sparrows remind me that God is watching over me for "His eye is on the sparrow, so I know He watches me". And a dove, well, a dove represents the Holy Spirit (and I just really love cherry blossoms). So yeah. Meaning.

The dove will go on the inside of my right arm, just below the crook of my elbow. I'm trying to decide what will go on the top of my forearm. I'm leaning towards a sparrow in flight with daffodils or dandelions (I also love daffodils and dandelions). But we'll see. Tattoos are expensive and I'll need time to save up for them. 

In other news, I'm still crazy tired. I worked 4 of the last 5 days and all of them were busy. I slept in today, had breakfast and coffee, and then laid back down again for an hour. And I still feel like I need to nap. I'm sick and tired of this fatigue. I'm thinking I probably should see the doctor for it. I'm just being stubborn, hoping it will pass. But it's not. I'll discuss with hubs today and maybe call tomorrow to set up an appointment. 

Nothing much else going on except for ridiculously cold temperatures, which needs to take a hike because I'm sick of it and I want warmth and sunshine. I mean, it's been cold - in the negatives the past several days. Even the overhead sprinkler system at the hospital froze and burst yesterday, flooding part of the ground level. Oy. That's cold! Spring time where are you??

Tuesday 2/9/21 Tired

 As the title says, I'm tired. I've been exhausted for around 3-4 weeks now. Feeling run down, sore, stiff, and sleepy. I can't seem to get enough sleep. Pretty much every day I don't work I take a nap. I feel as though I absolutely have to take one to function. At work I down coffee and try to stay busy (not difficult with the baby boom going on). But I'm just. So. Tired.

I've thought about going to the doctor for my fatigue, but I'm pretty sure what he's going to say: it's your fibromyalgia. You're in a flare up. It'll pass. I've wondered about that - if it's fibromyalgia. I've been diagnosed with it, but I don't typically have the symptoms that go with it. Well, I did when I was diagnosed, and it would appear I do now as well. But I still remain skeptical. Wondering if it's my thyroid or something. 

My muscles and joints are stiff. My skin seems . . . sensitive. And I feel sore, as if I've had a good workout (which, sadly, I haven't). And then the fatigue. The tiredness. Literally aching to lie down and sleep. It's weird - I used to sleep to get a break from my depression. But I'm not depressed - not even close. I feel like I need to sleep to function. Like I'm so tired I can't possible make it through the day without a nap. 

I haven't really talked about this with my hubby. I'm sure he's noticed me sleeping more, taking more naps. But I haven't brought it up. I'm not sure why. I know part of me feels guilty about it. I feel kind of stupid and weak because of it. I don't want him to think that I'm getting depressed again, or, worse, that I'm making this up.

Oy vey. I hate it, that's for sure. I could be so much more productive if I wasn't dragging myself around and napping. I want to be more productive. I want this to go away. 

Well, let's shift gears a moment. Be more positive. I should be - finally - getting my magpie tattoo finished tomorrow. I'm excited about it! I so badly want to see it finished with all the blues and greens in it. So that's tomorrow. And I've been drawing out some ideas for my next tattoo, a dove. I'd like to have my right arm sleeved out with birds. Some day . . . 

Here are my ideas:

This first one is the one I'm leaning towards. I love it. The next one (below) is the runner up.

It's a close runner up, as I really like it as well. The third one I'm just kinda "meh" about.

It's not bad, I just like the other two more.

And a note about work: the first 9 days of February have been ridiculously busy. Like, busy y'all. So many babies. I think all the Covid pregnancies are starting to deliver. We've been full pretty much every day. 

Thursday 1/21/21 Sock Rats and Violation

I should be at work today. But I'm not. I was "delayed" (which basically means I'm "on call" but I don't get time and a half if I get called in). So I slept in, sewed a little, and sketched out a drawing of pigeons that I'm doing on commission. And now that I'm full with lunch I could use a nap. But sadly, I just got notified that I'm going into work at 2:30, so no nap for me. Bummer.

So maybe you're wondering what the "violation" in the title of this post is. Well, early Monday morning, our 4Runner was broken into. The passenger side window was smashed out and everything had been rummaged through. I was at work when hubby texted me a pic of the window. My stomach dropped and I felt a little sick inside. Having your vehicle broken into is such a violation of personal space. I was angry and frustrated and saddened. People are assholes. Hubby got everything cleaned up and got an appointment to have the window replaced the next day. But still - people are assholes. 

Let's move on to something a little more light hearted. 

Sock rats!

Yes, in addition to making my plush zombie animals again, I'm also making my sock rats. I've made 3 and have sold them all already. Phillipe, Josephine, and Banjo. They're pretty adorable. And they don't take too long to make. 

Here's Josephine:

Each rat is made from one sock and some felt. They're pretty cuddly and all are epic. I need to find more beads for the eyes, though. I'm running out. 

In other news, I've been freaking tired lately. I want to take a nap every. Single. Day. And I don't know why. I mean, I know some nights I don't sleep well and so I'm tired the next day. But even when I DO sleep well, I'm still tired. I'm sure my doc would pin this on either A. depression (I actually haven't been depressed since, like, last July), or B. fibromyalgia (which I'm not convinced I actually have). So I don't think going to the doctor about it would be helpful. It really is annoying though. I don't want to feel as though I need a nap every day. And this isn't wanting a nap. It's NEEDING a nap. I feel tired and groggy and worn out by the afternoon. Caffeine doesn't help. Nothing helps except taking a nap. It's stupid. 

Oh well. At least I was productive today before having to go into work. Go me!