Monday 12/13/21 It's Monday

 It's Monday, the start of a new week. Ain't that grand?

Yeah, whatever.

Although my mood isn't complete shit today, which is nice. To be honest, my mood hasn't been complete shit for a few days, maybe 4 or 5. I haven't broken down, my anger has been a little less intense, and I don't completely hate life and myself. Maybe that's an improvement. Fingers crossed.

I am, however, flat and empty and withdrawn. This has been my steadfast state for the past month and a half (peppered with some shitty days of sobbing and feeling dark). This anhedonia is really and truly unpleasant. It's the slow erosion of self. Because I don't feel. I'm just floating along, going through the motions of life, trying to appear normal. Trying to interact. Trying to accomplish things. And mostly failing. Although I think I've perfected my fake laugh. Not that that's a real plus. 

I worked yesterday and two people I adore were working as well. Good friends I've known for a long time. So I figured work would be better. I don't know if it helped or not. Fake laugh, fake smile (which you can't see because we wear masks, of course), and fake interactions. People are noticing that I'm more quiet. A few have mentioned it. I brush it off as being tired. I have to lie to stay afloat. I don't want people to know that I'm struggling. So I smile and laugh all the while feeling dead inside.

 I did open up to my friend Tracy. I've known her for over 20 years. Told her how I was feeling and she offered support, which is nice. I hate sharing how I'm feeling with my good friends because I don't want to be a burden. I feel like I've failed them because I'm depressed again. I didn't really get a chance to talk with Beth, my other friend who was working yesterday. It was a pretty busy day and we never had time. She knows a little bit, just not everything. 

Like my eating. Which I'm really not. I have no appetite. At all. Nothing sounds good, everything seems like too much work, and I don't feel like eating. Now don't get me wrong - I get hungry. Physically hungry. I just don't want to eat anything. I force myself to, but I'm not eating much. Not as much as I should be. I lost four pounds in three days. I haven't weighed myself again to see if I've lost more. And somehow this isn't concerning to me. To be honest, I'm almost embracing it. Normally when I get depressed I eat comfort food, junk food, chocolate. I easily gain weight. And now I'm losing. So yeah, it may not be healthy but I'm embracing this. I know Tracy was worried about it, I'm sure hubby Jeremy is worried about it. I have a feeling my therapist is worried about it . . . but I'm not. 

I had a protein shake for breakfast - a whopping 110 calories. I'll probably have one for lunch. For dinner I'm making chicken fettuccini alfredo (we'll see how much of that I eat). I plan on going to the gym this afternoon to lift weights so I'll probably force myself to eat a protein bar beforehand. And I did the spin bike for 20 minutes this morning. Maybe not so healthy. Maybe this will become a problem. I don't know. But I'm not worried about it. 

I'm going to try not to nap today. This whole week actually. I've been spending so much time napping it's ridiculous. It's my escape from not feeling. I'm going to read instead. Maybe that's not the most productive use of my time, but if it keeps me awake . . . Because I have no motivation to do anything creative. Not draw or paint or sew. Reading is about all I can do. And even then I struggle. My mind wanders, I find it hard to concentrate. But I'm going to try.

In other news, I did my first confession on Saturday morning. I made an appointment with Fr Baron, our priest, so he could walk me through the process. I was nervous going in but I had no need to be. Fr Baron is so easy to talk to and nice and genuine and it was a very positive experience. I don't know why I waited so long! So now I have that under my belt. Go me!

That's it for today. That's all I got.  

Tuesday 3/23/21 Retreat

 Let's start by saying I had a busy week. Work has been crazy - all of the covid babies are starting to be delivered. We are almost always short staffed and its just been soooooo busy! Last night we delivered five babies in 30 minutes! So I've been tired. Still so damn tired. I know part of it is work (I also picked up an extra shift last week), but part of it . . . I don't know. Part of it is my stupid fatigue that won't leave me alone. And it's frustrating. I don't want to be this tired all the time. I have no energy and no motivation. It sucks.

But let's talk about something else. I've been going to RCIA classes since, um, September I think? I'll be honest - I don't know what RCIA stands for. But basically, it's a program of classes to become Catholic. Class is every Tuesday night from 6:30 - 8:30. There are videos, discussions, homework, Bible readings, prayer, and lots of learning. It's been interesting. And part way through I decided that yes, I'm going to become Catholic. Which actually was not an easy decision, as there are some aspects of Catholicism that I don't completely agree with. But I'm taking the plunge - both literally and figuratively. So this past Saturday was our retreat, a day long class so to speak. It started with 8am mass, followed by breakfast and then several hours of quiet, self-guided reflection. 

Saturday was the first time I attended mass by myself and it was very different than the masses held on Sundays. It was more informal and only 30 minutes long. But nice. The self guided reflection was not quite what I expected. I mean, I knew we were going to be given a packet to fill out, but I guess I thought there would be more to it. I was a little disappointed. It was more free journaling than anything. Most of the people at the retreat also gave their first confession (I was unable to as I have not yet been baptized). I think I would have gotten more out of the experience had I been able to confess. But alas, such was not the case. 

And speaking of baptism, I am being baptized. In about a week and a half at the Saturday night vigil before Easter. After lunch at the retreat we went over what to expect at the baptism (it's me and 3 kids). Let's just say I'll get soaked. It's not a full dunking, but yeah, soaked. At the Easter vigil I'll also be confirmed and have first communion. So this is a pretty big deal. I'm nervous and excited (maybe a little more nervous - I don't want to somehow screw this up). I start off wearing black clothes and then change into white clothes after the baptism, to represent the washing away of sin. Plus, you don't want to be sitting around for 3 hours in wet clothes. True story.

I'm not sure what to expect with all of this in terms of how I'm going to feel. Will it be a profound experience? I certainly hope so. But there's no way of knowing until I go through with it. This sounds utterly ridiculous coming from me, but I hope I'm filled with the holy spirit. I hope it's profound. I hope I am moved.