Tuesday 4/13/21

 Another week has gone by. I haven't really done much this past week. I've been a little lazy, actually. I deserve it though, don't I? I think so. I worked hard last week (it was crazy busy) and now I'm in a 5-day stretch off. It's wonderful. I needed it. What I really need is a vacation. Even just a mini vacation. Like a weekend getaway. Spend the night in Estes Park or something. Something simple where I don't have to worry about work or home stuff. Yes. That's the ticket!

So yesterday I did something I've been dreading - I cleaned out my closet. Which meant trying on tons of clothes. I'm quite surprised at how much doesn't fit me anymore. I've gained so much weight over the past several years (let's be honest - it's 85 pounds I've gained). Which is disgusting to me. A lot of the weight has to do with the medications I'm on. All three of them cause slowed metabolism and increased hunger. Yay. Go meds. Couple that with the depression I had been dealing with and an overall lack of movement . . . well, it's a recipe for disaster. So there was a lot of trying on clothes that don't fit anymore, and a lot of looking at myself in the mirror, and I was quite taken aback with how damn fat I really am. Most of the time I float through the world feeling pretty okay with myself but then I'll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or see a picture of myself (like the ones hubby took of my baptism), and I think oh my goodness how did I end up like this??? It's really disheartening. But yesterday, as I went through my clothes, I think it finally clicked. I need to try and lose the weight. I need to really try - not just say I'm going to and then be lazy and do nothing (which is what I have been doing). If for no other reason than to be healthy. For myself. For my family. If I don't put my foot down I'll just continue to get worse and I can't let that happen. 

What am I doing about it? Well, do you remember me writing about going paleo? I've been on a modified paleo diet for about 5 weeks and I've lost 10 pounds. Go me. I want to lose at least another 40. I've got my work cut out for me. So I'm going to be getting my butt to the gym. I'm going to actually go. And work out. I'm going to be getting my butt back on my spin bike. And I joined a program called Reset. Which helps you "reprogram" your mindset, gives you recipes, helps you make proper food decisions, helps you eat healthier. You eat healthier 5 days a week and then calorie count 2 days a week, so you don't feel deprived by calorie counting all the time. Maybe it's the extra little push I need. I signed up for a 12 week program. Hopefully the weight will keep coming off. 

In other news, I met some people at church! Sunday there was a pizza lunch at the church and we went and I met some lovely ladies. Joanne, and two others whose names escape me because my super power is forgetting people's names right after they tell them to me. It was nice to talk to some people, people I don't know, who welcomed me as if I were family. I felt less out of place (but still awkward because let's face it - I'm awkward). I had a good time there. Hopefully there will be more family functions we can go to so I can continue meeting people and maybe even make a few friends. 

And I've been drawing and painting birds. Yay birds! I had a custom order for some birds, but I've done more too. My creative juices are starting to flow. Kind of. Anyway, here are the custom birds I painted: a cardinal, a blue jay, and a pileated woodpecker.

I love how they turned out and so does the commissioner. Again, yay birds!

Anyhoo, that's all for this week. 

Tuesday 4/6/21 I was Baptized

 You read the title right! Saturday, April 3rd, I was baptized. Not only was I baptized, I was also confirmed, and had first communion. It's kind of a big deal.

Let's back up a minute though. Since September I've been doing RCIA classes at our church, learning about Catholicism and what it means to become a Catholic. Class is every Tuesday night from 6:30-8:30pm. Through May. That's a lot of classes! And a lot of learning! It's been soooo interesting going to these classes. At first I wasn't excited about it. Hubby asked if I would go to a class on Catholicism and I went, thinking it was just one class. Boy was I wrong! The first few weeks I didn't know what to think. I was skeptical and, honestly, overwhelmed. But the more I went, the more I enjoyed it. The more I learned, the more I could see myself becoming Catholic. It wasn't an easy decision - far from it. Because there are still some things about the Catholic faith that I haven't reconciled with (like birth control). But I felt it fit me. The deep seated traditions and rituals, which at first I found stuffy and rigid, became a comfort to me. I found myself actually enjoying mass (hubby and I had tried several different churches over the years and none of them felt right - they were all too . . . hippy dippy. But Catholic mass makes me feel calm and connected). 

So I've been doing these classes, went on a day long "retreat", and had been preparing for my baptism (I was never baptized as an infant or child). I was a little nervous, mostly excited. I didn't know what to expect - how I would feel, how exactly it would go . . . but I wasn't nearly as nervous as I thought I would be. The baptism happened at the Saturday Easter vigil mass (which is from 9pm to midnight - I'm usually in bed at 9pm!). I was to wear black to start and bring a change of clothes with me to change into after the baptism (which were white). 

Mass started out dark. The lights were out. Everyone had a candle and at the start of mass we all went outside to a bon fire and had our candles lit. We then proceeded back into the church, candle light lighting the way. It was beautiful. Hundreds of candles burning. There were 6 readings (regular mass has two), lots of singing, and then the homily. After the homily, Father Baron called those of us who were being baptized to come to the front (it was me, two children, and a teenager). We were paraded around the church with our sponsors and let back to the baptismal pool. I went third. I watched as the kids had holy water poured over their heads, wondering how I would feel. When it was my turn I stepped carefully into the pool (I was wearing a long skirt - I didn't want to trip!). Fr Baron poured water over me three times - in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Y'all, it took my breath away. Not in an oh-my-goodness-I'm-getting-water-poured-over-me-and-I-can't-breathe sort of way, but in an oh-my-goodness-I-can't-believe-this-is-happening-and-I-feel-so-amazing sort of way. It was amazing. It was shocking. I felt so joyful and so full. Just . . . full. Filled with joy and happiness and amazement that this was actually happening to me. I was being baptized! Jesus loves me! I was awestruck. I don't think my face showed my true feelings. Hubby took some pics (which are very unflattering, btw), and they don't show how I was feeling inside. I wanted to laugh and yell and proclaim my joy, but I didn't. I honestly didn't want people to think I was crazy or something. But that's how I felt. 

After we were all baptized, we headed up to the front of the church, wrapped in towels, to be confirmed. Fr Baron marked our foreheads with the sign of the cross with oil, announcing our chosen saint's name (mine was Dymphna, the patron saint of mental health). We then were dismissed to go and change our clothes. As I was walking back to the changing room I don't think I've ever felt so present. I dried my hair and face a bit (I was drenched), careful not to remove the oil from my forehead. I changed into a white blouse and skirt and made my way back to my pew. The four of us who were baptized were then invited back up to take first communion. The body and blood of Christ. In regular mass, you only consume the body of Christ (a very thin cracker) because of covid. But for us who were baptized, we were also given the option to drink the blood of Christ (wine). I chose to do both. My first time taking communion was a little surreal. When I sat back down I felt so calm and content and full. 

All in all, it was pretty darn amazing and awesome and wonderful. A memorable experience. I feel blessed.

(On a side note, I didn't explain any of this to hubby - it feels weird talking like this, opening up about what I experienced. Because I've never been religiously open before. I'm sure I'll get there. So for now, he'll just have to read this post.)

Tuesday 3/23/21 Retreat

 Let's start by saying I had a busy week. Work has been crazy - all of the covid babies are starting to be delivered. We are almost always short staffed and its just been soooooo busy! Last night we delivered five babies in 30 minutes! So I've been tired. Still so damn tired. I know part of it is work (I also picked up an extra shift last week), but part of it . . . I don't know. Part of it is my stupid fatigue that won't leave me alone. And it's frustrating. I don't want to be this tired all the time. I have no energy and no motivation. It sucks.

But let's talk about something else. I've been going to RCIA classes since, um, September I think? I'll be honest - I don't know what RCIA stands for. But basically, it's a program of classes to become Catholic. Class is every Tuesday night from 6:30 - 8:30. There are videos, discussions, homework, Bible readings, prayer, and lots of learning. It's been interesting. And part way through I decided that yes, I'm going to become Catholic. Which actually was not an easy decision, as there are some aspects of Catholicism that I don't completely agree with. But I'm taking the plunge - both literally and figuratively. So this past Saturday was our retreat, a day long class so to speak. It started with 8am mass, followed by breakfast and then several hours of quiet, self-guided reflection. 

Saturday was the first time I attended mass by myself and it was very different than the masses held on Sundays. It was more informal and only 30 minutes long. But nice. The self guided reflection was not quite what I expected. I mean, I knew we were going to be given a packet to fill out, but I guess I thought there would be more to it. I was a little disappointed. It was more free journaling than anything. Most of the people at the retreat also gave their first confession (I was unable to as I have not yet been baptized). I think I would have gotten more out of the experience had I been able to confess. But alas, such was not the case. 

And speaking of baptism, I am being baptized. In about a week and a half at the Saturday night vigil before Easter. After lunch at the retreat we went over what to expect at the baptism (it's me and 3 kids). Let's just say I'll get soaked. It's not a full dunking, but yeah, soaked. At the Easter vigil I'll also be confirmed and have first communion. So this is a pretty big deal. I'm nervous and excited (maybe a little more nervous - I don't want to somehow screw this up). I start off wearing black clothes and then change into white clothes after the baptism, to represent the washing away of sin. Plus, you don't want to be sitting around for 3 hours in wet clothes. True story.

I'm not sure what to expect with all of this in terms of how I'm going to feel. Will it be a profound experience? I certainly hope so. But there's no way of knowing until I go through with it. This sounds utterly ridiculous coming from me, but I hope I'm filled with the holy spirit. I hope it's profound. I hope I am moved. 

Saturday 11/28/20

 Sooooo . . . here we are again. Meeting on my blog. That I think only my hubby reads. Which is okay. I'm writing for myself - not for the masses. 

This past week has been, in all honesty, pretty boring. I've worked, I've painted. That's about it. It was Thanksgiving this past Thursday. A weird thanksgiving, amidst a pandemic. I worked, of course. But it was a slow day (only delivered one baby), and I was there with my bestie Lesley. A food truck came to the hospital, serving up thanksgiving staples for the employees for free. So that was nice. I talked with my grandparents and my mom (who surprisingly hadn't been drinking yet), hung out with Lesley a bit, and did a whole lotta nothing. All in all it was a good day.

My mood, amazingly, has been holding steady. I've been good. I'm laughing, I'm talking more, interacting with coworkers more, and just feeling really good. I feel stable. I feel normal. I feel human. It's so wonderful and awesome and I'm so blessed that I finally feel this way, for a prolonged period of time (5 months now). I did have some dipity doos a couple of months ago, but overall I have felt fantastic. 

I am officially working full time again now. Three 12 hour shifts a week. I'm excited about it. How strange is that? To be excited about working more. But I am. I think because it solidifies the truth that I'm doing better. Really, genuinely, doing better. And, of course, the extra money will be nice. I need to save up for my tattoo you know!

And, I'm not sure I've written about this yet (I don't remember and I'm too lazy right now to go back and look), but I've been doing the RCIA classes at my hubby's church. What's RCIA you ask? Well, it's classes to become Catholic. Yep. I'm doing that. Something that I never thought I'd be doing. If everything goes according to plan, I'll be baptized the Saturday evening mass before Easter Sunday (I was never baptized by my parents). It's kind of surreal to think about. And scary. And exciting. I'm having a sort of spiritual awakening, something I never thought would happen. I've been praying more - I don't have a routine down though. I don't even think I'm praying "correctly" (whatever that is). But I'm praying. And it feels good. It feels right. I can't believe I'm even typing this out - it's so foreign to me. But, that's where I am. 

So anyway, that's about it for now. I hope you all are doing well (points at hubby).