Wednesday 3/8/23 Happy Birthday

 Today Ayden turned 16. It's crazy to think that he's that old. He's been driving and will get his license in August. He has a girlfriend. Just . . . crazy. He's a good kid. I wish his grades were better, but he's a good kid. 

I don't have that much to write about today. This past week has been . . . okay. Not great, but okay. Friday and yesterday I worked and actually felt somewhat decent. More like my old self. My non-depressed self. So that's good. Today I'm a little more down and feel like napping the day away. I did some drawing, started laundry, but I don't know what else to do with myself. I don't feel like reading, or painting, or doing anything. It's annoying. It is what I'm used to though. The no motivation and whatnot with depression. I just wish I was more "okay" today too. Oh well.

I drew a couple of foxes today. I'm still trying to work out a tattoo design. This is my favorite:

It's the one I'm leaning towards, even though it's not in color. We'll see. Probably won't get a new tat until we're back from Japan. 

That's really all I have for today.

Friday 4/22/22 Blah

 It's warm today, like 75 degrees, but windy as all get out. I have the back door open so my dog Moya can go in and out as she pleases and the wind keeps blowing the screen door shut. Moya is not pleased by this. It's been windy every day for a couple of weeks now and I'm over it. So freaking tired of the wind. At least it's not cold as well.

Yesterday I spent the day out at Norris Penrose. All day in the sun and wind. It was warm yesterday too - warm enough I didn't need my hoodie or anything. The people in the morning session (9 of them) weren't as engaged as they were last week. This week we were focusing on mindfulness and several people couldn't stand being quiet with their thoughts. I can appreciate this as when I'm in a dark place I don't want to be alone with my thoughts, either. And the horses were all being butt heads. We went on a walk through the trails to a horse obstacle course and the horses didn't really want anything to do with it. It's a good exercise for the participants in being mindful and present - if you're not present your horse isn't going to listen to you. The afternoon group was more engaged, the horses were more cooperative, and I think it was a great learning experience for all. 

In between the two groups I got to "long rein" a horse, Thumper (who is sweet as can be). Imagine a carriage being pulled by a horse, but I'm the "carriage" walking behind the horse, directing him with a pair of long reins. It's pretty darn cool and fun! Thumper was a good boy for me. The other horse was a bit of a butt and wanted to eat poop instead of walk nicely. It was so fun though!

As of late I've just been really blah. Just kind of empty. The only time I really feel okay is when I'm working with the horses. Then I feel okay. Yesterday morning I woke up feeling down and all I wanted to do was go back to bed. Sleep. All day. But I went and worked with the horses and felt so much better. It was the same this past Tuesday when I went out to Latigo for my volunteering. Blah and a little down all day, better after being with the horses. They really are therapeutic for me. And knowing that I'm helping other people out by being there. That helps too. Otherwise, yeah. Just blah. 

I'm so tired of feeling this way. I'm so tired of trying so hard to be okay. I'm so tired of pretending, putting on a show that everything is better. I feel better during and after working with the horses, but before - whether it's days of hours before - I'm a husk. Going through the motions. After being with the horses I think, hey, maybe I'm coming out of this depression. But then the next morning I wake up blah and empty and unmotivated. I'm not sure what more to do. And in May there are a couple of Thursdays that I'll miss because I'm working and no one will switch days with me. May 5th and the 19th. I'm not looking forward to missing these days. It makes me anxious. Stupid, I know. But I can't help it. 

Anyway, I did an ink drawing that I really like:

It's called "Bliss". And bliss is truly what I feel when I'm with the horses. It's my escape from myself. 

Tuesday 2/16/21 Finally, My Tattoo

 Well, last Wednesday my magpie tattoo was finally finished! Hooray!!! I absolutely LOVE it! I gotta say though, it hurt like the dickens. I mean, it hurt bad. And it hurt bad for several days after, too. But it's worth it because it's beautiful (at least I think so). 

This pic was taken the day after getting inked. It was tender AF. I really love it though. It matches my painting amazingly! My tattoo artist, Don, never ceases to amaze me. And now I'm working on my next tattoo - a dove with cherry blossoms. I've kind of decided that I want to sleeve out my right arm with birds. Because, well, birds. I love birds. But I'm not just picking random birds - they all have meaning behind them and they are all my own work. Two magpies, for example, represent joy. And I have felt nothing but joy in my life since finding stability. My sparrows remind me that God is watching over me for "His eye is on the sparrow, so I know He watches me". And a dove, well, a dove represents the Holy Spirit (and I just really love cherry blossoms). So yeah. Meaning.

The dove will go on the inside of my right arm, just below the crook of my elbow. I'm trying to decide what will go on the top of my forearm. I'm leaning towards a sparrow in flight with daffodils or dandelions (I also love daffodils and dandelions). But we'll see. Tattoos are expensive and I'll need time to save up for them. 

In other news, I'm still crazy tired. I worked 4 of the last 5 days and all of them were busy. I slept in today, had breakfast and coffee, and then laid back down again for an hour. And I still feel like I need to nap. I'm sick and tired of this fatigue. I'm thinking I probably should see the doctor for it. I'm just being stubborn, hoping it will pass. But it's not. I'll discuss with hubs today and maybe call tomorrow to set up an appointment. 

Nothing much else going on except for ridiculously cold temperatures, which needs to take a hike because I'm sick of it and I want warmth and sunshine. I mean, it's been cold - in the negatives the past several days. Even the overhead sprinkler system at the hospital froze and burst yesterday, flooding part of the ground level. Oy. That's cold! Spring time where are you??