Wednesday 3/8/23 Happy Birthday

 Today Ayden turned 16. It's crazy to think that he's that old. He's been driving and will get his license in August. He has a girlfriend. Just . . . crazy. He's a good kid. I wish his grades were better, but he's a good kid. 

I don't have that much to write about today. This past week has been . . . okay. Not great, but okay. Friday and yesterday I worked and actually felt somewhat decent. More like my old self. My non-depressed self. So that's good. Today I'm a little more down and feel like napping the day away. I did some drawing, started laundry, but I don't know what else to do with myself. I don't feel like reading, or painting, or doing anything. It's annoying. It is what I'm used to though. The no motivation and whatnot with depression. I just wish I was more "okay" today too. Oh well.

I drew a couple of foxes today. I'm still trying to work out a tattoo design. This is my favorite:

It's the one I'm leaning towards, even though it's not in color. We'll see. Probably won't get a new tat until we're back from Japan. 

That's really all I have for today.

Wednesday 10/13/21 More Tattoo Concept Art

 Well, well, well . . . it seems another week has gone by. It's been, actually, a very unproductive week for me. Mostly thanks to work and being lazy on my days off. It's all thanks to that, let's be honest. I've been feeling rather lazy as of late. Take this morning for example: got up at 7, took the boy to school, had breakfast and coffee, then laid back down for another hour before showering. And now I'm blogging instead of sewing or painting or cleaning. Lazy. I think I kind of need it though. Because of reasons. 

I had my yearly physical on Monday, so much fun. My doc felt some lumps in my right breast, one of which I knew was there (it's been biopsied before and has a marker in it), but there's a couple more now. It's been two years since my last mammogram, so hooray! I get to have another one done! It's scheduled for Nov. 9th. Otherwise I got a clean bill of health. She wants my labs to be drawn in February so that it's been a full year since the last time I had them done. I asked about the feelings of malaise I've been getting, and the headaches, every day for over a month now. She thinks it's probably diet related. Most likely sugar. Granted, in the past month and a half I have been eating a TON more sugar. A lot more than before I had my tooth pulled the end of August, so that kinda makes sense. So I guess I gotta cut back again. Which sucks because sugar is tasty. Oh well. 

I came up with a new tattoo concept for my left forearm which I really love. It's a fox, of course, and should fit nicely over my scars. 

I'm really digging this design. Like, I'm pretty positive this is it. This is my next tattoo. Now I just have to save up some money (cause tattoos are expensive, duh). But yeah, I'm stoked. 

The other day I texted my therapist just to check in, let him know how I was doing and that I appreciate him so much. He wrote me back that it warms his heart that I wrote him. Which warms my heart so much! I think it's actually been about a year since I last saw him and it's still weird to me to not be seeing him at least monthly. I'm doing so well though that I'd really have nothing to talk about, other than just shooting the shit (which, let's be honest, I would totally do with him). 

That's pretty much been the last week. Work is work. I'm still burnt out and now our unit is staffing the rest of the hospital. Every single day at least one or more people are floated to other units. Which really sucks and is annoying. I haven't floated for a few months so I know my time is coming. Probably tomorrow. I hate floating. We all do. It sucks. But there's nothing I can do about it, so I might as well not get my panties in a bunch over it.  

Friday 9/10/21 Tattoo Concepts

 I've been thinking for a long time about whether or not I want to cover my self harm scars on my left forearm. Part of me has always thought that they're a part of my story, and therefor I shouldn't cover them. After all - they're part of me. But the rest of me is a little ashamed of the scars and finds them to be ugly and stigmatizing. People look at you different when they see that you've cut yourself. Maybe they look at you with pity or, often, a hint of disgust. So I've thought long and hard over the past several months and have decided that I want to cover them - with a tattoo of course! I think tattoos (especially now) are more socially acceptable than self harm scars. 

Now, I'm not even sure my scars can be covered well. That's something I need to talk with my tattoo artist about. See, I have quite a few scars on the underside of my left forearm. But I've seen other scars - ones larger and more raised than mine - covered. And that's what I'd like to do. I have two concept drawings in the running. Both are foxes. I happen to love foxes. They are gorgeous creatures. I've used them in my personal art before. 

First up, my watercolor fox:

I truly love how this came out. But, as much as I love it, I'm leaning towards my second fox:

Black and grey. I think this will hide the scars better than my watercolor version. And I just really love it. 

We'll see what my artist has  to say about them both. I'd be happy with either, quite honestly. 

In other news, not much has been going on. Work is busy. It's always busy. I'm trying to make stuff - paintings, bookmarks, plushies. I need to have stuff if I'm going to sell at a con, right? I tried sewing today, tried to make a few small owls, but luck and skill was not on my side today. My sewing machine kept jamming and snagging the fabric, which royally pissed me off. So I decided to sew a sock rat, which is mostly hand sewing. That was disasterous. But I finished him. And I got 3 owls partially done. Along with drawing my black and grey fox. So that's something at least.