Wednesday 8/9/23 At least I'm not at work

 At least I'm not at work. That's a good thing. I worked the past 2 days and realized I'm not terribly happy at work. I try to be, I really do. I try to talk to people, I try to stay up beat, I try to be happy. But I'm not. Not really. There are so many things about my job that really irritate me. Really annoy me. I don't know if I feel this way because I don't like my job anymore or because I've been feeling down lately. Or both. Who knows? But I don't like going. I don't want to be there. I don't like feeling this way but I can't seem to help it. Part of me thinks I need to get a different job. And part of me thinks that if I get a different job I'll still be unhappy, just unhappy in a new environment. Which is less than helpful. 

I started doing yoga and I'm trying to be mindful and focus on breathing and being thankful for what I have. I'm trying to be positive about everything. But it's so hard. I seem to have a naturally negative mindset. I've been trying to change this but it's daunting. I have a negative self image, negative self talk, negative outlook, and feel negatively towards most people. I need a complete overhaul. I'm hoping that practicing my breathing and mindfulness with yoga will help this. I ordered a book on yoga - it teaches the foundations of yoga, breathing, and basic poses. I started a 30 day yoga training today that's focused on listening and centering oneself. I also ordered another yoga program called Yoga Burn (which is more for toning up and getting in shape, but is still yoga). I need to get in shape. I think if I could get in shape and lose weight I'd overall feel better about things. Because my negative self image is forefront every day. I'm trying to accept where I am and work on bettering myself, but then I look in the mirror and just hate what I see. So out comes the negative self talk. I'm trying to actively counter this but again, it's hard. Because I seem to be hardwired for negativity. I must have some pretty shitty core beliefs. Maybe we can delve into this next week in therapy. I don't know. 

I know my negativity affects me at work (yeah, we just circled back to work again). And maybe, just maybe, if I could be more positive I wouldn't hate my job so much. At least I'm hoping that's the case. 

I work tomorrow and I'm going to try and get up early and do yoga before getting ready. I felt more peaceful and calm this morning after doing yoga and it would be great to feel that before work. Maybe I'd have a better day. We'll see if it happens. Because I have a hard time getting up earlier than needed. 

In other news, the functional practitioner got my blood work back. I have an appointment on Monday with them. Was hoping for this week, but it just didn't work out that way. Jeremy is going with me, they requested that he be there. Probably because the treatment plans they offer are expensive and not covered by insurance. That's my guess anyways. So yeah. I'll get answers on Monday. And maybe I'll write about it Monday afternoon. 

Anyway, I guess that's it for today. I'll leave you with a painting I did last week:

"Lift", 5X7, watercolor and ink. It, in a way, represents me trying to pull myself out of a darker space. I guess. 

Tuesday 1/17/23 The Dichotomy of Me

 The dichotomy of me. It's the title of a painting I did today. I haven't been painting, well, hardly at all as of late. But today I did two paintings, both personal. 

The Dichotomy of Me:

It's a reflection on bipolar disorder, I guess. I tend to hang on the side of depression more than anything (my mania is well controlled with antipsychotics). I've been feeling rather low for the past month or so. Getting progressively worse as the days go by. So I decided to bite the bullet and make an appointment for a booster ketamine infusion. I have it next Wednesday morning. I was hoping to go longer before needing an infusion, but I guess three months is respectable. I'm trying not to let myself feel like a failure for needing a booster, which is where my mind naturally goes. I naturally tend toward the negative. I'm actively working to change this. It's hard. I have to constantly be aware of my thoughts and counter them. It takes quite a bit of energy, but I'm trying. 

There really isn't anything much else going on. I'm trying to work out consistently, it's going okay. I'm trying not to nap all the time, which is what I want to do, because then I don't have to deal with how I'm feeling. I'm trying to come up with ideas for art - that's slow going. And I'm trying to remain positive. All of these are difficult things. But I'm plugging along, as best as I can. 

The other painting I did today is "There Will Be Signs":

There are signs to my declining mental health, and I'm too stubborn or too proud to admit that they're there. Until to day. Because I made the appointment for an infusion. I'm finally admitting to myself that I probably need a little help getting back to where I want to be. I'll get there. Eventually.

Friday 9/10/21 Tattoo Concepts

 I've been thinking for a long time about whether or not I want to cover my self harm scars on my left forearm. Part of me has always thought that they're a part of my story, and therefor I shouldn't cover them. After all - they're part of me. But the rest of me is a little ashamed of the scars and finds them to be ugly and stigmatizing. People look at you different when they see that you've cut yourself. Maybe they look at you with pity or, often, a hint of disgust. So I've thought long and hard over the past several months and have decided that I want to cover them - with a tattoo of course! I think tattoos (especially now) are more socially acceptable than self harm scars. 

Now, I'm not even sure my scars can be covered well. That's something I need to talk with my tattoo artist about. See, I have quite a few scars on the underside of my left forearm. But I've seen other scars - ones larger and more raised than mine - covered. And that's what I'd like to do. I have two concept drawings in the running. Both are foxes. I happen to love foxes. They are gorgeous creatures. I've used them in my personal art before. 

First up, my watercolor fox:

I truly love how this came out. But, as much as I love it, I'm leaning towards my second fox:

Black and grey. I think this will hide the scars better than my watercolor version. And I just really love it. 

We'll see what my artist has  to say about them both. I'd be happy with either, quite honestly. 

In other news, not much has been going on. Work is busy. It's always busy. I'm trying to make stuff - paintings, bookmarks, plushies. I need to have stuff if I'm going to sell at a con, right? I tried sewing today, tried to make a few small owls, but luck and skill was not on my side today. My sewing machine kept jamming and snagging the fabric, which royally pissed me off. So I decided to sew a sock rat, which is mostly hand sewing. That was disasterous. But I finished him. And I got 3 owls partially done. Along with drawing my black and grey fox. So that's something at least.  

Tuesday 1/26/21 Pigeons!

 Well hello there. Fancy meeting you here. 

So, I had a lady contact me through Etsy and ask if I would do a painting of pigeons for her (she had bought a pigeon painting I already had in my shop). She loved the painting she bought and wanted another one, but larger (the original was 5X7). I said yes. She told me about her pigeon themed room. It was kinda weird. But kinda cool. In a weird way. 

Here's the painting I did for her:

It's an 8X10, watercolors. She LOVED it. Here's the funny thing: I was going to charge her $30 for it. She refused to pay anything less than $50. She told me to edit my Etsy listing for it and charge her a "more appropriate price". Yeah. I was taken aback by that response. So I did, I charged her $50 for it. Both her and hubby told me I undersell my work. I'm my own worse critic I think. Well, I know this. I don't know what to charge for my paintings. I'm an unknown artist. I want to be fair. And I'm always worried that people don't like my work. And then today I got on my Deviant Art page and I had 96 notifications. All of them "likes" or comments on this painting. I was blown away. Seriously. People, apparently, like this painting. So maybe $50 is an appropriate price for it. 

In other news, we have snow here in Colorado. Lots of snow. And it's cold. Like, really cold. I'm over it. I'm ready for warmer weather. I mean, I love wearing my hoodie and all, but I wear it every. Single. Day. Because it's so cold. And I have to go to the post office today - which sucks in and of itself - but now I have to be out in the snow and cold, which makes it worse. Oh well. At least I have beefy new tires on my truck. 

I'm also excited because my tattoo will be finished next Tuesday! I've been impatiently waiting for Feb. 2nd to come along so I can have it done. I can't wait to see how it looks with color. I'll share pics when it's done. Also? It's much larger than I had originally planned. And I LOVE it. I was worried at first that it was too big, but nope. It's perfect. I'm already planning what to get for my next tattoo (probably much to my hubby's dismay). I would like a dove, on my right forearm (the inner part, by the crook of my elbow) to remind me that the Holy Spirit is with me, always. 

Anyhoo, that's about all for now. 

Thursday 1/21/21 Sock Rats and Violation

I should be at work today. But I'm not. I was "delayed" (which basically means I'm "on call" but I don't get time and a half if I get called in). So I slept in, sewed a little, and sketched out a drawing of pigeons that I'm doing on commission. And now that I'm full with lunch I could use a nap. But sadly, I just got notified that I'm going into work at 2:30, so no nap for me. Bummer.

So maybe you're wondering what the "violation" in the title of this post is. Well, early Monday morning, our 4Runner was broken into. The passenger side window was smashed out and everything had been rummaged through. I was at work when hubby texted me a pic of the window. My stomach dropped and I felt a little sick inside. Having your vehicle broken into is such a violation of personal space. I was angry and frustrated and saddened. People are assholes. Hubby got everything cleaned up and got an appointment to have the window replaced the next day. But still - people are assholes. 

Let's move on to something a little more light hearted. 

Sock rats!

Yes, in addition to making my plush zombie animals again, I'm also making my sock rats. I've made 3 and have sold them all already. Phillipe, Josephine, and Banjo. They're pretty adorable. And they don't take too long to make. 

Here's Josephine:

Each rat is made from one sock and some felt. They're pretty cuddly and all are epic. I need to find more beads for the eyes, though. I'm running out. 

In other news, I've been freaking tired lately. I want to take a nap every. Single. Day. And I don't know why. I mean, I know some nights I don't sleep well and so I'm tired the next day. But even when I DO sleep well, I'm still tired. I'm sure my doc would pin this on either A. depression (I actually haven't been depressed since, like, last July), or B. fibromyalgia (which I'm not convinced I actually have). So I don't think going to the doctor about it would be helpful. It really is annoying though. I don't want to feel as though I need a nap every day. And this isn't wanting a nap. It's NEEDING a nap. I feel tired and groggy and worn out by the afternoon. Caffeine doesn't help. Nothing helps except taking a nap. It's stupid. 

Oh well. At least I was productive today before having to go into work. Go me!

Thursday 1/14/21 Stuff and Stuff

 Well, well, well . . . if it isn't Thursday. Kinda snuck up on me. This past week has gone by relatively quickly. But not quickly enough. 

I got my tattoo last week, though it's not finished. I still need color in it. My arm was swelling enough that Don, my tattoo artist, wanted to hold off on color until another day. And that day is Feb. 2nd - groundhog day! It can't come quick enough! We went bigger with my tattoo than I had originally anticipated. A LOT bigger. But I absolutely LOVE it! And I can't wait for it to be finished! Surprisingly, it didn't really hurt at all. Which is good, cause I didn't really want to be in pain. 

There's not a whole lot else going on. I spent part of this morning picking out and writing about my Catholic saint. I am converting/becoming Catholic and part of the process is picking out a saint to pray to and emulate. I chose St. Dymphna, for obvious reasons (she's the patron saint of mental illness). I will be baptized before Easter and confirmed. I'm not really sure of the whole process. Don't judge - I'm new at this. 

And apart from that it's been work and sewing. I've taken up sewing again, did I mention that? I'm making my plush zombie animals again. So far I've made two bunnies, a squirrel, and a horse. The horse is a little derpy (the pattern is hard to sew). But yeah, I'm sewing again. I'm hoping people want to buy them like they did in the past, that would be nice. I'll have to upload some pictures so I can post them here. But not right now cause I'm too lazy. 

I got the second Covid vaccine last Thursday. I had chills Thursday night into Friday and my arm was crazy sore, but that's about it (apart from some fatigue). Not bad. And yeah. That's about it in the boring life of me.