Monday 7/24/23 Well, it's a Monday

 It's Monday. How . . . wonderful. I've been super cranky today for no real reason. I woke up this way. Cranky with no motivation. I forced myself to workout, go me. I have 4 drawings that I'm working on that need to be painted . . . that didn't get done today. Nope. I worked out, went to the store, listened to a podcast, had lunch, took a nap. And now I'm here, writing a bunch of BS while drinking matcha. Oy. 

I have a "consultation" on Wednesday. Basically a doctor's visit. Because I have almost every hypothyroid symptom one can have but my actual doctor keeps brushing me off because my thyroid levels are in the "normal" range. So I'm seeing a functional medicine doc to go over my history and symptoms and get their opinion. I'm tired of being cold. I'm tired of losing so much hair. I'm tired of dry skin and not being to lose weight no matter how little or how much I eat. I'm tired of feeling like I need a nap to get through the day (or tons of caffeine). So yeah. I have a consult on Wednesday. We'll se how that goes. It's an hour long and I have a ton of paperwork to fill out. But maybe they'll have answers for me. 

In other news, my mood has been slightly better overall? Maybe? On my days off I'm okay. Friday at work I was surprisingly okay (which was good because I had a VERY difficult patient who required tons of attention and "love"). Yesterday I was less okay, but not bad. I work tomorrow and I'm not really looking forward to it. Makes me realize I'm truly burnt out. I don't really enjoy my job most days and that sucks. 

Wow. I don't really have more I want to write. Mainly because I'm in such a negative headspace right now. So instead I'll share some paintings from my Growth series. 

 First up is Red Fox. With an aspen tree -  2 of my favorite things.

Next we have Fawn.

And last, Mountain Bluebird. 

These are the first 3 paintings in the series. I have 2 more sketched out (that I should have painted today, but didn't). I'm not really sure where I'm going with this series but I have a tiny bit of inspiration so I'm running with it. 

Wednesday 3/8/23 Happy Birthday

 Today Ayden turned 16. It's crazy to think that he's that old. He's been driving and will get his license in August. He has a girlfriend. Just . . . crazy. He's a good kid. I wish his grades were better, but he's a good kid. 

I don't have that much to write about today. This past week has been . . . okay. Not great, but okay. Friday and yesterday I worked and actually felt somewhat decent. More like my old self. My non-depressed self. So that's good. Today I'm a little more down and feel like napping the day away. I did some drawing, started laundry, but I don't know what else to do with myself. I don't feel like reading, or painting, or doing anything. It's annoying. It is what I'm used to though. The no motivation and whatnot with depression. I just wish I was more "okay" today too. Oh well.

I drew a couple of foxes today. I'm still trying to work out a tattoo design. This is my favorite:

It's the one I'm leaning towards, even though it's not in color. We'll see. Probably won't get a new tat until we're back from Japan. 

That's really all I have for today.

Tuesday 11/8/22 Some Art

 I'm sitting here on the couch, not quite sure what to do with myself. I don't know how I want to fill my time today. Yesterday I painted quite a bit, uploaded a TON of paintings to my Etsy shop . . . today I'm just not feeling it. I'm not necessarily down, but I'm not great either. I'm meh. Blah. Indifferent. I don't like feeling like this. I'm as of yet undecided on whether I'll keep my ketamine booster appointment. I mean, I'm not depressed, just meh or down. I'm not sure that really qualifies me as needing the booster. I don't know. I'll give it another week and we'll see. 

Anyway, I've been painting quite a bit. Figured I'd share a few of them here.

This first one I titled "Anemone". Mostly just playing with color and shapes.

This second one is just swirls of color, kind of like what I would see during an infusion.

Cherry blossoms. I love cherry blossoms. 

Some daisies. 

This one is "Nautilus". Swirls of shapes and blues that I would see during an infusion.

This last one is "Sink". Some infusions I felt like I was floating. Others like I was sinking in sand or something. Always so much blue though. Blue was the predominant color I would see. Some purples and oranges and greens here and there, but mostly blues. 

There's quite a few more, plus all the dragon paintings (well, 4 dragon paintings). I've been busy. But I don't know if I want to paint today. We'll see. I don't know what I want to do today.
 

Monday 6/20/22 Drowning

 I'm not really sure what I want to write about today. I'm feeling pretty down. I had all of the intentions of sleeping in today but was up at 6am (I actually woke up at 4am and laid in bed for two hours, trying to fall back asleep). I had an idea for a drawing so after breakfast I took my coffee downstairs with me to my studio and got to it. I spent 3 hours on it, between sketching and inking it. Then I took the dog on a short walk, showered, started laundry, and had lunch. And now, now I'm writing. I'm trying to keep myself busy so I don't have to deal with how I'm feeling. 

I'm at the "go-to-sleep-and-not-wake-up-until-I-feel-better" stage. Quite honestly I'm surprised at what I've accomplished today because I truly have no motivation. I forced myself to go on my walk. I didn't want to go. But I figured getting out of the house would be good for me. It didn't help. Nothing helps.

Last week - Tuesday - I saw my psychiatrist. He upped my dose of Wellbutrin from 300mg to 450mg - the max dose. I am an idiot for how I tried to go off of the Pristiq, and he's keeping me on it for now. I see him again July 12th to see how the increased dose is working. So far no change in my mood. Except I feel a wee bit more cranky. Irritable. Maybe that's a coincidence. We'll see. If there's no real change in my mood in a month I'm going to talk to him about going off the Pristiq. Maybe with one less antidepressant I'll have a greater range of moods. I don't know. Maybe I'm talking out of my ass. I just don't know what to do. And I'm tired of feeling this way. 

On the up side, I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow morning. I'm growing it out from a pixie cut (which is a long and arduous process), but it needs a trim desperately. I'm starting to get a mullet in back, not the look I'm going for. So at least that's something small I can look forward to.

I wish I could see Mike. It's only been two weeks since his surgery, so it'll be at least another 4-6 weeks before I can see him. I hate that. I wish it was sooner. But I have no choice but to wait. I need some support. I know he said if I needed anything to email him, but I don't want to be a needy burden. So I wait. 

I'm reading a book on adult daughters of alcoholics. And I have an ACOA workbook to work through. Fun times. But the book on adult daughters, Perfect Daughters, is spot on. It's like the story of my life. Which is scary and sad and infuriating and comforting all at the same time. Maybe, just maybe I can find some closure to this chapter of my life. As my mom continues to drive me crazy. It's in her head now that I'm her best friend and therapist and I'm going to help her through all life's obstacles. Fighting with her husband? Call Cami. Worried about grandma? Call Cami. Have a bad dream? Call Cami. Every. Little. Thing. I AM NEITHER YOUR FRIEND NOR THERAPIST. I am basically your estranged daughter who truly wants nothing to do with you. And I feel horribly guilty for feeling this way. But I have no real relationship with her. Talking to her is torture - especially since 99 times out of 100 she's drunk when she calls me. But I feel bad and guilty because I'm not a "good daughter". I don't know what to do. 

So that's where I'm at. Feeling like crap about everything and not having motivation to do anything. What a glorious place to be. I guess I could share the artwork I did this morning:

It's titled "Drowning". It's 8X10, watercolor and ink. Mostly ink. I like how it turned out. 

 

Friday 4/22/22 Blah

 It's warm today, like 75 degrees, but windy as all get out. I have the back door open so my dog Moya can go in and out as she pleases and the wind keeps blowing the screen door shut. Moya is not pleased by this. It's been windy every day for a couple of weeks now and I'm over it. So freaking tired of the wind. At least it's not cold as well.

Yesterday I spent the day out at Norris Penrose. All day in the sun and wind. It was warm yesterday too - warm enough I didn't need my hoodie or anything. The people in the morning session (9 of them) weren't as engaged as they were last week. This week we were focusing on mindfulness and several people couldn't stand being quiet with their thoughts. I can appreciate this as when I'm in a dark place I don't want to be alone with my thoughts, either. And the horses were all being butt heads. We went on a walk through the trails to a horse obstacle course and the horses didn't really want anything to do with it. It's a good exercise for the participants in being mindful and present - if you're not present your horse isn't going to listen to you. The afternoon group was more engaged, the horses were more cooperative, and I think it was a great learning experience for all. 

In between the two groups I got to "long rein" a horse, Thumper (who is sweet as can be). Imagine a carriage being pulled by a horse, but I'm the "carriage" walking behind the horse, directing him with a pair of long reins. It's pretty darn cool and fun! Thumper was a good boy for me. The other horse was a bit of a butt and wanted to eat poop instead of walk nicely. It was so fun though!

As of late I've just been really blah. Just kind of empty. The only time I really feel okay is when I'm working with the horses. Then I feel okay. Yesterday morning I woke up feeling down and all I wanted to do was go back to bed. Sleep. All day. But I went and worked with the horses and felt so much better. It was the same this past Tuesday when I went out to Latigo for my volunteering. Blah and a little down all day, better after being with the horses. They really are therapeutic for me. And knowing that I'm helping other people out by being there. That helps too. Otherwise, yeah. Just blah. 

I'm so tired of feeling this way. I'm so tired of trying so hard to be okay. I'm so tired of pretending, putting on a show that everything is better. I feel better during and after working with the horses, but before - whether it's days of hours before - I'm a husk. Going through the motions. After being with the horses I think, hey, maybe I'm coming out of this depression. But then the next morning I wake up blah and empty and unmotivated. I'm not sure what more to do. And in May there are a couple of Thursdays that I'll miss because I'm working and no one will switch days with me. May 5th and the 19th. I'm not looking forward to missing these days. It makes me anxious. Stupid, I know. But I can't help it. 

Anyway, I did an ink drawing that I really like:

It's called "Bliss". And bliss is truly what I feel when I'm with the horses. It's my escape from myself. 

Wednesday 4/6/22 Therapy?

 I'm supposed to have therapy tomorrow morning at 0800. But now I'm not. Mike texted me this morning, needing to cancel and reschedule our appointment (he has a sick family member he needs to visit). Which is fine, I guess, except now I have to wait another 3 weeks. That will be 6 weeks between appointments. Which, I guess, isn't so bad. Right? It's not like I'm in crisis or something. But, truth be told, I was wanting that appointment tomorrow. Really wanting it. And now it's not for another 3 weeks. Which, let's be honest, kind of sucks. 

When I saw the text from Mike this morning my heart sank. I felt kind of crushed. I teared up. I probably would have cried if I was able to muster up any emotion. But I get it. Family comes first. I just wish it didn't make me feel so crappy. And I feel like I'm selfish for feeling this way. Which makes me feel guilty. Which makes me feel more crappy. And I'm having an off day anyway, which makes me feel crappy. And then I tried to paint and ruined a painting, which makes me feel crappy. It's all around a crappy day for me. Way to be negative, self.

Yesterday I had my first volunteering shift at the riding center. I'm a side walker right now, which means I walk along side the horse and help keep the rider stable, help keep him focused on the task at hand. The class was an hour long, from 1715 - 1815. Kind of late, but oh well. It was the only opening they had for a regular position on Tuesdays. And it was good. It was fun. At least, I say it was fun. In all actuality I'm numb and blah and withdrawn. It was better than I thought it was going to be, but I think I'm trying to convince myself that I had fun. But I got to smell the barn smells and scratch some horses and get some exercise . . . so that was good. And it's the only way I can get my foot in the door to hopefully do more with the horses (like mucking stalls and grooming). So that was yesterday. 

I'm still very much just going through the motions of life. No real joy or happiness or contentment. I feel hollow, empty, like nothing matters so why try. And it's a real shitty way to feel. I'm so sick of it. It's this constant low level depression that just won't go away. I'm unfeeling. I've been drawing and painting quite a bit, but I'm not getting pleasure out of it - I'm doing it to pass the time. It distracts me so I don't wallow in how empty and pointless I feel. I'm so hoping that being around horses again will help. Because I don't know what else to do. The only thing treatment wise I have left to try is ketamine - and I'd rather avoid that if I can. I hate feeling so numb though. Maybe I really do need to see Dr. Marciniak again, see if there's any med tweak we can try. I don't know. I'm pretty sure there isn't. Horses are kind of my last ditch effort. 

Anyway, I guess I should end this on a positive note, right? Not be so negative. So here's a couple of brush style horses I painted yesterday:

 

I really like this style. It's loose and freeing. We'll end with that. 

Monday 1/24/22 Well, it's Monday

 Would you look at that! It's Monday already. And it's not too shabby of a day, either. Mainly because I'm home and not at work today. Speaking of work, I go back this Thursday after having 11 days off. Thanks Covid! In all reality, I had taken a day of vacation this week so I would have 5 days off in a row, but then had to miss all 3 shifts last week due to having covid. So 11 days off in a row. It's been nice (for the most part - when I wasn't sick as sick can be). But Thursday . . . back to the grind. 

I'm honestly not looking forward to going back. Being off has made me realize just how burnt out I am. I mean, my cuticles are healed! (I pick at my cuticles when I'm stressed/anxious/depressed). My mood has been a bit better during this time off - even when I was actively sick. I haven't been as down or depressed or anxious or overwhelmed. It's actually amazing. But now I'm going back and I'm wondering how that's going to make me feel. If everything will come crashing down again. I know. A very pessimistic view. I can't help it. 

It also makes me wonder if I need a change of pace at work. I've been doing bedside nursing for almost 16 years. Maybe I need a change? Except, what would a change look like? Working at an office? Yuck! I'm so used to doing three 12 hour shifts I'm not sure how I'd handle five 8's. Quite honestly I don't want to. So maybe a different area? But where? I KNOW I don't want to do anything med/surg related. My only other area of interest is psych. Which everyone thinks would be too triggering for me. Including my psychiatrist and therapist. 

So what do I do to get out of this work related rut I'm in? Ahhhh, that's the question, isn't it? And I have no idea. I'm thinking I'm going to have to schedule myself vacation days here and there so I have extra time off. That's the only thing I can really think of. I don't know what else to do. An actual vacation might be nice, but I don't see one happening anytime in the near future (since we're saving up for Japan). So what do I do . . . . ?

I spent some time drawing today, which was nice. Now I have 6 drawings I need to paint. I'll have a lot of artwork to bring to my next therapy appointment! Which, sadly, is not until a week from Thursday (Feb. 3rd). That will be 5 weeks between appointments (I had to cancel last week since I had covid). Oh well. What can you do?

I guess I don't have much of anything else going on. Is that a good or a bad thing?  

Friday 9/10/21 Tattoo Concepts

 I've been thinking for a long time about whether or not I want to cover my self harm scars on my left forearm. Part of me has always thought that they're a part of my story, and therefor I shouldn't cover them. After all - they're part of me. But the rest of me is a little ashamed of the scars and finds them to be ugly and stigmatizing. People look at you different when they see that you've cut yourself. Maybe they look at you with pity or, often, a hint of disgust. So I've thought long and hard over the past several months and have decided that I want to cover them - with a tattoo of course! I think tattoos (especially now) are more socially acceptable than self harm scars. 

Now, I'm not even sure my scars can be covered well. That's something I need to talk with my tattoo artist about. See, I have quite a few scars on the underside of my left forearm. But I've seen other scars - ones larger and more raised than mine - covered. And that's what I'd like to do. I have two concept drawings in the running. Both are foxes. I happen to love foxes. They are gorgeous creatures. I've used them in my personal art before. 

First up, my watercolor fox:

I truly love how this came out. But, as much as I love it, I'm leaning towards my second fox:

Black and grey. I think this will hide the scars better than my watercolor version. And I just really love it. 

We'll see what my artist has  to say about them both. I'd be happy with either, quite honestly. 

In other news, not much has been going on. Work is busy. It's always busy. I'm trying to make stuff - paintings, bookmarks, plushies. I need to have stuff if I'm going to sell at a con, right? I tried sewing today, tried to make a few small owls, but luck and skill was not on my side today. My sewing machine kept jamming and snagging the fabric, which royally pissed me off. So I decided to sew a sock rat, which is mostly hand sewing. That was disasterous. But I finished him. And I got 3 owls partially done. Along with drawing my black and grey fox. So that's something at least.  

Tuesday 4/20/21

 Well, today is every pot head's favorite day *insert eye roll here*. I don't have any funny one liners about this so stop looking for one.

Every week when I sit down to blog I realize just how boring my life is. Like, really boring. There's nothing new or exciting going on, there's was nothing exciting over the weekend (I worked Saturday), and there's nothing really exciting coming up. Huh. Boring. Which is okay, I guess, it just doesn't make for an exciting blog post. 

I worked yesterday and it was busy, again, just like it always is. Lots of babies being born. I was nursery yesterday. The day wasn't too bad but then right before shift change it got hectic. I went to a delivery where the poor mom had been pushing for almost 7 hours (usually after 4 hours of pushing mom has a c-section). But this mom was adamant that she was going to deliver vaginally. So that equated to almost 7 hours of pushing and the use of a vacuum to help pull the baby out. Now, not only does 7 hours of pushing exhaust the mom, it exhausts the baby too. So this kiddo came out limp, blue, and not breathing - my kind of delivery! (I like resuscitating). It took a couple minutes to get baby to breathe on her own - she was pretty shell shocked. But we got her going. While we (the other transition nursery nurse and I) were working on the baby I heard the OB doctor say "code white activate". This is not a good thing. Mom's uterus was tired from all of the contracting and mom was starting to hemorrhage. Bad. Within a minute the room was full of nurses and techs, blood bank and lab, and another doctor. I'd like to say it was a smooth operation, but it wasn't. There were too many people. But, within minutes, mom had a second IV started, was getting a blood transfusion, and the doctors were able to get the bleeding (which was profuse) to stop. During all of this I stayed with the baby, trying to keep her out of the NICU, and talked to and comforted the father. The baby ultimately ended up going to the NICU - she needed more time to transition and needed a little bit of oxygen. Mom has a long recovery ahead of her, but her and baby were doing well despite everything that happened. I said a prayer for them during the scenario and again last night that they would recover well and quickly. 

This is what I do everyday at work. Help bring new life into this world and sometimes participate in scary situations. I love it. I LOVE IT! I can't imagine doing anything else. And I really AM weird in that I love doing resuscitations. Most people want to avoid that - I dive right in. So I guess there was some excitement this past week. 

Anyway, I'm still painting birds. Here's some more:

 A blue tit, blue bird, and chickadee! Painted just for fun. I sketched out some more today that I plan on painting tomorrow. I'm really on a bird kick right now. 

Friday 12/18/20 Covid Vaccine and Stuff

 Well it's Friday again. Another week has gone by. And nothing terribly exciting has happened. I painted some bookmarks, a couple of paintings (which I'll share below), worked (it's been busy), and got the first dose of the Covid vaccine. 

Wait, what? The covid vaccine? Yep. I got the first dose of it Wednesday night after I got off work. I get my second dose January 7th (I hear the side effects of the second dose can be pretty bad). The side effects for this first dose weren't too bad: arm soreness where I got the shot, and some minor body aches, headache, and sore throat. That went away after several hours. I was nervous to get it. I mean, yeah there was a test sample of 40,000 people, but we don't know any long term side effects of this vaccine. A vaccine that was developed insanely rapidly. But talking with fellow nurses helped calm my fears and I decided that if I can do something to protect myself - that will ultimately help protect my family - then I need to do it. So I got the vaccine. Hopefully I won't get some weird cancer in 2 years or something. 

Working full time is so far working well for me. And the extra money of course is nice. We were busy this past week and I didn't have to float to another unit which is always stellar. I work again tomorrow but I'm primary nursery, so no floating for me tomorrow either. I enjoy not floating. 

I seriously don't know what else to write about. Writing comes so naturally when I'm feeling like shit. But when I'm well, I'm at a loss for words. It kind of sucks because I enjoy writing but my life is pretty freaking boring. I don't really go anywhere other than work and grocery shopping - thanks covid. We're not going on any adventures or anything. It's too cold to go on walks or hiking. So yeah. Boring. Nothing going on. 

But, without further adieu, here's my two paintings I did:

A judgmental pigeon

He's judging you. Harshly.

And a mountain bluebird

Well there you have it. Another week in the boring life of me. Yay.

Friday 11/6/20 Magpie Fun

 I'm tired. I worked three 12-hour shifts in a row. It's been years since I've done that. I normally don't even work two shifts in a row if I can help it - it takes a toll on me. But this week I did three. And today I'm tired. I'm trying my best not to nap but I may end up taking one anyway. We'll see. 

Overall I'm doing pretty darn good. Some little dippity dos here and there, but overall I'm stable and happy. Which is amazing, really. I've been feeling much better since the end of July (yes, I've had some drops, but I've come back up). It's pretty nice to be feeling this way. Hopefully it'll keep up.

In my last post I mentioned my next tattoo - two magpies. I've been sketching magpies and today I painted another:

I like him. This painting isn't for my tattoo necessarily. I just felt like painting him. Magpies are so gorgeous with their iridescent feathers. I love them. But what I need to be doing is painting stuff that I can sell so I can save up for my tattoo. I'm really itching to get it done. It's been a long time since I've gotten new ink. 

It's kind of weird . . . when I feel like crap all I want to do is write. And when I'm feeling good, I can't think of anything to say. Well, I guess that's all for now.