Thursday 12/1/22 Therapy

 It's already December and I'm not sure how I feel about that. 

I had therapy today. I thought it was going to be my last session with Mike and I was trying to prepare myself for such. Turns out he hasn't sold his house yet and is continuing to do therapy until he does so. So I see him again the beginning of January. To which I am grateful. I'm going to miss him so much when he retires and moves (to Pennsylvania). 

Anyway, it was a banger session. Talk centered around my mom and my childhood and my innate introvertedness. See, I'm shy. I'm an introvert. We were discussing if this is more "genetic" or environmental (most likely mostly environmental related to growing up in an alcoholic household). I don't necessarily want to be introverted. It would be nice to be able to talk with people freely, smoothly, without having to force it. I'm envious of people who can do that. So we talked at length about it and now I have homework (I don't like homework). Mike wants me to have a conversation with a coworker I don't know very well. So I can practice. Push me out of my comfort zone. I agreed to work on it. Working on it is the best I can do. 

I've been a mixed bag of emotions today. Mostly I've felt down and emotionally fragile. Volunteering was good and I felt better whilst doing it, even having a good conversation with one of the other volunteers (see, Mike? I can do it!). But I woke up feeling uneasy, anxious even. I know this is because I thought today was my last session with Mike. I even had a dream about it where Mike introduced me to my new therapist that would be replacing him. I didn't like it. Mike sensed my anxiety when I sat down. It got better throughout the session, and I'm not anxious now, but I still feel fragile - like I could cry at any moment, for any reason. Maybe I need to cry. I kind of feel as though I do. But I'm restraining myself. I don't know why. Maybe part of me is worried that if I do cry it'll lead to instability of mood. I have no idea really. I'm grasping at straws here. 

We were supposed to go out to dinner with my mom tonight. She called me around 11:30, drunk and sobbing because she had a headache and canceled dinner. I'm not going to lie - I was both relieved and angry about this. See, she has been hounding me via call, text, and email for several weeks wanting to go out for dinner. Finally settled on a day and time and restaurant and she cancels. Drunkinly cancels. I'll be honest - I didn't want to see her tonight. I don't want to see her ANY time, really. But bugging me constantly about going out and then canceling last minute just doesn't sit right with me. And, truth be told, if she had called me when she was sober to cancel, I wouldn't be angry. But she wasn't sober. She was drunk. She's always fucking drunk. It's another letdown in my life of being let down by her. It's frustrating. And there's nothing I can do about it. I'm trying not to let it mar my day. Talked about it in therapy, writing about it now, and then I'm going to forget it and move on. Look on the bright side - now I don't have to deal with her drunk self in person. 

I feel like I should leave you with a picture of a fox I painted. Why not?

Tuesday 5/31/22 Been a while

 Well hello there. It's actually been a while since I last posted. Weird. I try to write once a week, but I've been . . . distracted. "Distracted" probably isn't the correct word to use, but it works. I've been busy and unmotivated and blah and can hardly be bothered to do anything in my time off. I haven't been painting really, or reading. Or doing anything. Volunteering yes. But nothing else. I just can't seem to get off my butt and participate in life right now. 

I think in my last post (or maybe the one before it) I wrote that it would be awhile for me to have a therapy session. Well, Mike's surgery was pushed back to June 6th so he's making time for me this upcoming Thursday. Which is wonderful. I'll have to miss my afternoon volunteering, but I need to be seen. Having therapy helps. Having someone else to talk to helps. And not having to wait 14 or more weeks between sessions really helps. But I'm almost like, what do I talk about? Because there's nothing going on in my life. Like, nothing. I go to work, I volunteer, I eat, sleep, stare off into space. There's nothing. I'm not having as many "bad" days. Days where I'm close to crying and feeling depressed. Most of my days are nothingness. I'm just floating along through life, participating minimally, flat and blah and pretending that I'm okay. I'm good at pretending. I have no motivation to do anything that I normally enjoy. I have no motivation to work out. I have no motivation to try. 

Work is a chore and is bringing me anxiety. I don't want to go. I feel like I need some time off. Just to be away. There's some changes going on that are probably going to be not good. A new staffing grid. They want us working more short staffed. I've had some difficult days recently and this new grid is going to make things worse. Especially for us transition nursery nurses. We'll have no help but be expected to do more. It makes me anxious. If I could muster up any real feelings I'd be pissed. But I have nothing to muster up, except anxiety. And I can't change what they're doing, none of us can. So I fall into apathy and "why bother". Our manager is begging us to trust her, that this will work, and I can't seem to care. I just go in and do my job, try to keep the anxiety at bay, keep my head down and plug along. But it's exhausting. Because I have to keep up appearances that I'm A-okay. I have to be pleasant and upbeat with families. I have to try and connect. Even though all I want to do is hide. 

Volunteering - at least Thursdays - are an escape for me. I get to be with horses and hopefully feel like I'm making a difference. I still have to keep up appearances and participate and be upbeat. Which is hard, despite being with horses. I say that I enjoy my volunteer work, that I love it, that I'm getting something out of it. When, in reality, I'm just there. I'm just going through the motions. Don't get me wrong - it does help. I do feel better after a day of being out in the sun with horses. But it doesn't help as much as I think it should. And again I'm pretending. I don't want the powers that be or other volunteers to know that I'm struggling. So I pretend and tell myself I'm doing good for others and that I enjoy it, even when I don't feel it. What a crappy way to be.

As far as artwork and reading and stuff goes . . . well, I'm not doing it. I did a couple of simple paintings like a week and a half ago and that's all I've done. I can't concentrate long enough to read anything and I don't feel like doing any artwork. I have no motivation or inspiration. Every once in a while I'll get a little spark. A little idea. But then I try and expand on it, to make up a composition for a painting, and it falls flat. Or dies completely. I just don't have it in me to create right now. Not even vent art. Not even simple scribbles or colors. There's nothing there. Nothing. 

This is my life right now. Nothing. Float along, go through the motions, feeling nothing, feeling empty. And I hate it. And what's bad too is that I don't want to do anything. Or go anywhere. I don't get joy or satisfaction out of anything so why do it? Why go there? Why try? 

So yeah. Flat, empty, nothing. This is me. And I'm sick of it.  

Wednesday 4/27/22 Therapy

 I have therapy today, in two hours. This is the only reason I'm not still in bed and have showered. Because I'm going to therapy. Otherwise, today would be spent much like yesterday was - in bed. My mental health has taken a turn for the worse. I'm so empty that I don't care to do anything. Just sleep. It's easier that way. When I sleep I don't have to deal with how I'm feeling. Which is bad. 

Yesterday I went to a work meeting first thing in the morning. When I got home I got back in bed and stayed there until I had lunch. Then - you guessed it - back to bed. I got up to pick my son up from school and did stay up after that, mainly because hubby got home and I didn't want him to see how bad I was feeling. I went to Latigo to volunteer last night and got to do more with the horses, which was nice. I pretended that everything was A-okay. It wasn't. I still was feeling so numb. 

I hoped that playing with horses last night would help me feel better this morning but no, I feel like crap. Took Ayden to school, had breakfast and coffee, and then back to bed. I did, however, force myself to get up and put away laundry and shower. I even put on makeup in an attempt to not feel so crappy about myself. I still feel crappy about myself. I'm exhausted (for no real reason), empty, numb, and down. And I feel fat and gross and ugly. And, on top of it all, I have a headache. So much fun. 

So yeah. Therapy today. I don't know what we'll go over. I know Mike had said last time (which was 6-7 weeks ago) that we needed to start revisiting my traumas. And we started that last time. But I certainly don't feel up to that today. I feel like curling up in a ball and not existing. Or going to sleep and not waking up until I feel better. I think revisiting trauma will make me feel even worse - not something that I need today. 

On top of me feeling like crap I'm trying to be present and helpful and supportive of two friends who are going through a rough time. So I'm pretending even more like everything is okay. How can I be supportive and empathetic if I don't have my shit together?? 

And then my mom. My fucking mom who thinks we have some close relationship that grants her the ability to call me 3 or more times a day for support and venting, etc ( we do NOT have a relationship, hardly at all, but certainly not the one she thinks we have). She's expecting me to support her emotionally because she has no friends to turn to and for some reason doesn't want to talk to her husband. No, she calls me drunk and crying, looking for support that I can't - and won't - give. It's not my responsibility to be my mother's parent and friend. I don't want that roll. Ever. Because again, we do not have any sort of healthy relationship. She's a major trigger for me - just getting a text from her sends my anxiety spiraling. 

All this fucking shit to deal with. And work. Of course work. It's been busy and annoying and all consuming. I work tomorrow and two Thursdays in May; days which I could be volunteering but can't. I can't find anyone to switch days with me so that I could maybe have one of those Thursdays off. But no. No one wants to switch because God forbid someone return the favor of helping me out. 

Anyway, that's enough venting I guess. We'll see how therapy goes today. And how my evening goes. And how my life goes.  

Friday 4/22/22 Blah

 It's warm today, like 75 degrees, but windy as all get out. I have the back door open so my dog Moya can go in and out as she pleases and the wind keeps blowing the screen door shut. Moya is not pleased by this. It's been windy every day for a couple of weeks now and I'm over it. So freaking tired of the wind. At least it's not cold as well.

Yesterday I spent the day out at Norris Penrose. All day in the sun and wind. It was warm yesterday too - warm enough I didn't need my hoodie or anything. The people in the morning session (9 of them) weren't as engaged as they were last week. This week we were focusing on mindfulness and several people couldn't stand being quiet with their thoughts. I can appreciate this as when I'm in a dark place I don't want to be alone with my thoughts, either. And the horses were all being butt heads. We went on a walk through the trails to a horse obstacle course and the horses didn't really want anything to do with it. It's a good exercise for the participants in being mindful and present - if you're not present your horse isn't going to listen to you. The afternoon group was more engaged, the horses were more cooperative, and I think it was a great learning experience for all. 

In between the two groups I got to "long rein" a horse, Thumper (who is sweet as can be). Imagine a carriage being pulled by a horse, but I'm the "carriage" walking behind the horse, directing him with a pair of long reins. It's pretty darn cool and fun! Thumper was a good boy for me. The other horse was a bit of a butt and wanted to eat poop instead of walk nicely. It was so fun though!

As of late I've just been really blah. Just kind of empty. The only time I really feel okay is when I'm working with the horses. Then I feel okay. Yesterday morning I woke up feeling down and all I wanted to do was go back to bed. Sleep. All day. But I went and worked with the horses and felt so much better. It was the same this past Tuesday when I went out to Latigo for my volunteering. Blah and a little down all day, better after being with the horses. They really are therapeutic for me. And knowing that I'm helping other people out by being there. That helps too. Otherwise, yeah. Just blah. 

I'm so tired of feeling this way. I'm so tired of trying so hard to be okay. I'm so tired of pretending, putting on a show that everything is better. I feel better during and after working with the horses, but before - whether it's days of hours before - I'm a husk. Going through the motions. After being with the horses I think, hey, maybe I'm coming out of this depression. But then the next morning I wake up blah and empty and unmotivated. I'm not sure what more to do. And in May there are a couple of Thursdays that I'll miss because I'm working and no one will switch days with me. May 5th and the 19th. I'm not looking forward to missing these days. It makes me anxious. Stupid, I know. But I can't help it. 

Anyway, I did an ink drawing that I really like:

It's called "Bliss". And bliss is truly what I feel when I'm with the horses. It's my escape from myself. 

Tuesday 4/12/22 New Painting

 Figured I had better write today, as the rest of my week is jam packed. Like, no free time at all. I work Tomorrow, Friday, and Saturday, and then Thursday I'll be at the riding center (Norris Penrose) from 8:30am - 3:30pm. I have a long 4 days coming up. At least Thursday I'll be with horses. As I will be this evening. And was yesterday. 

I'd say my mood has been pretty blah since my last post. The exception being last Friday where I woke up pretty depressed (I was also pretty depressed last Wednesday and Thursday). But I had a training class at Norris Penrose and was playing with horses for 3 hours and it helped lift my spirits. Other than that I've been pretty blah. Which is better than depressed . . . but still not great. I don't want to be blah. I want to be more than that. I'm definitely lacking in the motivation department. Hardly doing anything but the bare minimum. Which I hate. But I can't seem to bring myself to do anything. Ugh.

So, Thursdays, when I'm able to, I'll be at Norris Penrose as a horse handler, working with kids and adults with mental health issues (mostly anxiety and depression, but some personality disorders as well). I'm looking forward to this. A lot. THIS is what I want to do, a lot more so than being a side walker, which is what I am out at Latigo. So I'm going to be trying to get every Thursday off, as well as Tuesdays. We'll see how that goes. 

Anyway, I did manage to paint today. A painting of a horse eye that I'm pretty proud of. It's titled, "Window to the Soul". 

It was nerve racking to paint! But I'm happy with the outcome. It's 5X7, watercolor. 

So yeah. That's all I've got for today. Two more weeks until I have therapy. 

Wednesday 4/6/22 Therapy?

 I'm supposed to have therapy tomorrow morning at 0800. But now I'm not. Mike texted me this morning, needing to cancel and reschedule our appointment (he has a sick family member he needs to visit). Which is fine, I guess, except now I have to wait another 3 weeks. That will be 6 weeks between appointments. Which, I guess, isn't so bad. Right? It's not like I'm in crisis or something. But, truth be told, I was wanting that appointment tomorrow. Really wanting it. And now it's not for another 3 weeks. Which, let's be honest, kind of sucks. 

When I saw the text from Mike this morning my heart sank. I felt kind of crushed. I teared up. I probably would have cried if I was able to muster up any emotion. But I get it. Family comes first. I just wish it didn't make me feel so crappy. And I feel like I'm selfish for feeling this way. Which makes me feel guilty. Which makes me feel more crappy. And I'm having an off day anyway, which makes me feel crappy. And then I tried to paint and ruined a painting, which makes me feel crappy. It's all around a crappy day for me. Way to be negative, self.

Yesterday I had my first volunteering shift at the riding center. I'm a side walker right now, which means I walk along side the horse and help keep the rider stable, help keep him focused on the task at hand. The class was an hour long, from 1715 - 1815. Kind of late, but oh well. It was the only opening they had for a regular position on Tuesdays. And it was good. It was fun. At least, I say it was fun. In all actuality I'm numb and blah and withdrawn. It was better than I thought it was going to be, but I think I'm trying to convince myself that I had fun. But I got to smell the barn smells and scratch some horses and get some exercise . . . so that was good. And it's the only way I can get my foot in the door to hopefully do more with the horses (like mucking stalls and grooming). So that was yesterday. 

I'm still very much just going through the motions of life. No real joy or happiness or contentment. I feel hollow, empty, like nothing matters so why try. And it's a real shitty way to feel. I'm so sick of it. It's this constant low level depression that just won't go away. I'm unfeeling. I've been drawing and painting quite a bit, but I'm not getting pleasure out of it - I'm doing it to pass the time. It distracts me so I don't wallow in how empty and pointless I feel. I'm so hoping that being around horses again will help. Because I don't know what else to do. The only thing treatment wise I have left to try is ketamine - and I'd rather avoid that if I can. I hate feeling so numb though. Maybe I really do need to see Dr. Marciniak again, see if there's any med tweak we can try. I don't know. I'm pretty sure there isn't. Horses are kind of my last ditch effort. 

Anyway, I guess I should end this on a positive note, right? Not be so negative. So here's a couple of brush style horses I painted yesterday:

 

I really like this style. It's loose and freeing. We'll end with that. 

Wednesday 3/23/22 HORSES!

 So guys, I woke up in a bad mood this morning. Cranky, down, yucky. Just not in a good place. Even knowing I was going to spend time with horses today. It was very annoying and I couldn't seem to shake it. I spent some time drawing this morning (horses, of course), and just felt very blah and down. I had an early lunch and drove out to the barn where I was meeting Nancy (long time acquaintance and friend - she was my "person" when I went through equine facilitated psychotherapy myself). Well, she owns her own equine facilitated psychotherapy practice now and invited me out to see the horses and chat.

I got to the barn right before noon and as I stepped out of my truck and breathed deep . . . it's like I was transported to a better place. There's something about the smell of horses, hay, and manure that just make a girl feel at home. I didn't realize how much I missed that smell until I was there. I walked inside and found Nancy. We talked and loved on horses for over an hour. It wasn't ideal, though, because the weather was crap (cold and incredibly windy out). We made the best of it. She showed me around the indoor stalls and arena, we went outside (we didn't stay outside long because of the wind), and she invited me to come and volunteer with her organization! Guys - I'm so excited! And honored that she wants me to volunteer (she said herself she's picky about who she has as volunteers). So far I'll be doing Thursday mornings in June, working with some tweens. There's no riding - just working with the kids as they navigate horsemanship, learning about themselves in the process. Eeeeeek! 

For a long time I've thought about getting into the mental health field. I've looked for per diem day shifts at the local inpatient mental health facilities (to no avail) and had even considered diving in full time into mental health. I've had these thoughts for years (I've even toyed with the idea of going back to school to be a psychiatric nurse practitioner). So how wonderful is it that I get to help Nancy out with kids fighting anxiety or depression?! SO wonderful! And I get to do it with HORSES! I'm hoping this is a great opportunity for me. Maybe - just maybe - I can eventually get my PATH certification and do this as a side job . . . ahh, the dreams I have. 

Anyway, here's Titan, a very good boy who loved scritches from me and was very interested in me.

I almost forgot how soft horse's noses are! It's like heaven! I can't wait to be around them more again!