Tuesday 7/19/22 Trying Something Different

 Hey there. So, I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and we're going to try something different. He's weaning me off of my Pristiq, and slowly adding Lexapro. The weaning of Pristiq will take 3 weeks, to try and minimize withdrawal symptoms. During those 3 weeks I'll slowly increase my Lexapro dose until I'm at 20mg. Now, I've been on Lexapro before, but it's been about 14 years. So maybe it will work for me. Dr. Marciniak doesn't think the Pristiq is working anymore as I've been on it for 5 years now. We'll see. I start the titration tonight. I'm a little nervous because when I skipped a dose of Pristiq I had horrible withdrawal symptoms. Of course, I won't be skipping any doses, just slowly weaning myself off of it. But I'm still nervous. Fingers crossed this works.

I'm still feeling mostly down, with a little blah thrown in for good measure. Which is annoying. I still have no motivation for anything, though I managed to get a couple of paintings done today. Go me. I also have plans to work out, but I'm not getting my hopes up for that. I really just want to go lie down. And, knowing me, I probably will. 

I'm hoping to hear from Mike this week, so we can set up a therapy appointment, but I doubt I will. Maybe next week? I don't know. I'd just really like to be seen. I'm struggling. I'm doing stuff on my own, but I'm struggling. I joined a mailing list called "Esteem". Answered a loooong questionnaire about my views of myself, my self esteem, etc. It's run by psychologists and is supposed to help me gain confidence in myself, boost myself esteem, and help me change my negative narrative about myself. I get emails every 2 days with info in them and a task to complete. I'm hoping it will help. I'm also still doing ACOA work on my own. Which is hard. I'd love to have Mike's help with that. But instead I'm just floating along, trying to figure shit out on my own. 

Anyway, there's not really anything new. I'm tired, I'm depressed, I'm switching meds. That's about it. 

Tuesday 7/5/22 It's already July

Wow. July just kind of crept in there. Fast. This summer seems like it's flying by (but the days are moving slow as molasses - how is that possible?). Yesterday was the 4th, and I worked. Did 4 deliveries and it was a weird day. Just . . . weird. Today I'm off, I volunteer from 5:15 - 6:15pm. I don't feel like going, but I will. I haven't done anything today. Like, nothing. Unless you count listening to 2 webinars doing something (I don't). Well, laundry. I did finally start a load of laundry.

These past several days have been rough, mood wise. I've been more depressed, more down, more quiet, more withdrawn. And I hate it. It sucks. The increased dose of Wellbutrin seems to be having no effect except for my peeing issues. I still have a week before I see my psychiatrist again, but I'm pretty darn positive I'm going to drop back down to 300mg. I just don't know what more we will do. I don't know what else there is. Which is disheartening. And bleak. 

It's hard to go through the motions when all I want to do is hide away or sleep. I feel like I need to cry but I can't. I tear up, but, nothing comes. I think, maybe if I had an emotional release I'd feel better. But I just can't seem to do it. 

I'm trying to be proactive while I'm not in therapy (probably won't have a session until the beginning of August, maybe later). I read the book Perfect Daughters, which is a book about daughters of alcoholics. Wow did it hit home. And I'm doing a workbook for adult children of alcoholics. I'm just doing it slowly so as not to overwhelm myself. I listened to a webinar on becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable. And one on binge eating (yeah - I binge eat. I don't purge, but I binge). I'm trying to do things that will be helpful to me to heal my childhood trauma. Because maybe, just maybe, if I can move forward in this it will help my depression. And because it's something I just need to do. 

But I'm struggling. Really struggling. I'm beating myself up over being depressed. I'm beating myself up over binging yesterday at work (and every other time I binge). I'm beating myself up over everything. How I look, how I act, what I say, what I do . . . you name it, I'm probably beating myself up over it. Which, obviously, doesn't help at all on the depression front. I'm just so fucking miserable and I'm sick of it. I just want to be better. I want to be content and to experience happiness sometimes. I want to be free of self loathing. But I don't know what to do. I try to squash all of these negative thoughts when they come, which is difficult and exhausting. And they keep coming - they don't stop. 

And I'm tired of hiding my true self from everyone. I'm hiding my depression, albeit not very well right now. At work I've been quiet, withdrawn, and even standoffish. I can keep up a charade with my patients but am having a hard time with coworkers. It's so much work. And I'm tired. So very tired. 

I know all of my posts have been depressing as of late. But that's my reality. And, lets be honest, this blog gets like one view per post so . . . fuck it. I'm going to write what I feel like.