Wednesday 12/14/22 December

 Well, we're almost half way through December already, which is pretty crazy. Time sure is flying by. Before we know it it will be 2023 (which will hopefully be a better year).

I went to the doctor this morning as I've been having lower back pain. Only on the right, though. About where my kidney is and a little below that. I pretty much knew what he was going to say, but I still went. Annoying though is that my appointment was at 9:20 - fairly early morning - but he was already running 40 minutes behind. Ugh. My doc is always behind. He likes to take his time with patients - which is great - but it puts him far behind. Sometimes over an hour. Which is frustrating. So. What he said. 1. I need to wear better shoes, not my beloved Pumas, which are flat. 2. Arch support insoles in my shoes. 3. Lose weight (dude, I'm trying). And 4. Physical therapy. I'm not looking forward to physical therapy. Mainly because my insurance doesn't cover that much and it ends up being around $75 a visit. It gets expensive real quick. I'm hoping for like 2-3 visits where they can teach me the exercises and stretches and I can just do them at home. 

I ordered the insoles he recommended, which weren't, thankfully, expensive. And as for the weight loss . . . I'm trying. I really am. But I need to kick my efforts up a notch. I can't seem to get under 210. It's frustrating. I want to at least be down to 170, preferably 160. But I can't seem to get my weight to budge. For months now. If it changes it's because it's going up. I know I need to be more consistent with exercising, I know I could be eating better. It's just so freaking hard when I have no motivation. You'd think going to Japan would be enough motivation but I'm struggling. And it doesn't help that I've had several "bad mood" days this past week which makes doing anything that much more difficult. I haven't accomplished anything this week so far. No painting, no real cleaning, no working out, not even opening a book to read. I spent most of Monday in bed. I was supposed to work, was called off, and just stayed in bed. Worked yesterday. Today I feel like doing nothing except taking a nap. I have no energy. I know I'd feel better if I accomplished something . . . I just don't know if I will. Damn my self-sabotaging self. 

I really have nothing left to say this week. Hopefully I'll get my ass in gear.  

Tuesday 2/23/21 Still Tired

Hi there. I'm still tired. Exhausted would be a more appropriate term, I think. And cold. My hands and feet are freezing, I'm in my hoodie, despite it being 62 degrees out (it's a gorgeous day). My hair seems to be thinning and I'm experiencing BO like I'm a teenager going through puberty again. WTF, body?? Seriously, it's ridiculous. Not to mention the muscle soreness and joint pain (thankfully mild). 

I have an appointment with my doctor this Friday. I'm sure I'll have lots of lab work drawn. I want to have lots of lab work drawn. I want to know what's going on. I have my suspicions. Sub-clinical hypothyroid is my top guess. Why subclinical? Well, I think my thyroid hormones will be within the normal range, but at the far end - not in the middle. I think this because my values always seem to be "normal" - I can't just have a clear cut answer. Which is annoying. But my symptoms match hypothyroidism. 

Though I have a feeling that my symptoms may be blamed on fibromyalgia. And who knows - maybe it really is fibromyalgia. But I think because of the muscle pain my doc might lean this way. And I could be totally off base. Who knows. 

There is a little worry in the back of my head though. A little worry that gets a little larger each day. Because I catch myself staring absently into space. Because I catch myself sighing heavily. Because I catch myself having more negative thoughts. 

Depression.

What if what I'm experiencing is depression trying to seep back into my life? I'm worried because I'm off of Welbutrin - I haven't taken it for a week now.  What if the Welbutrin was actually the reason I was feeling better and now that I'm off of it my depression is coming back. Slowly. Insidiously. What if . . .

The thing is, I don't feel depressed. I still feel happy. I still feel joyful. I don't have that emptiness in me that was all too consuming when I was depressed. But I still have that little worry. And I don't want it to be depression, obviously. And I don't want my doc to immediately jump to this conclusion because of my past. I want thorough testing done. I want all avenues checked before we make a diagnosis. I want this desperately not to be depression. 

I guess we'll see though. See what the doc says. And I'm not seeing my regular doc, btw. I'm seeing one of the PAs. Seeing my regular doc would have put my appointment time a month and a half away, instead of a week. Maybe fresh eyes will have a different perspective. 

I'm sick of feeling like this though. I want to be awake. I want to have energy. I don't want to be sore. I don't want to be cold or sweaty. Ugh. I want to feel how I did 3 months ago.

Anyway, I think I have my final version of my dove tattoo all painted out. It's a dove with cherry blossoms. And I'm really digging it.

Now I just gotta save up money . . . Sell some paintings and/or plushies.