Wednesday 7/17/24 Ugh

 I've had some more rough days. Both at work and at home. Yesterday and Monday in particular were not great. Monday I was down and had no energy. Yesterday I was irritable and down and couldn't seem to get out of my funk. I felt like Jer was mad at me (he wasn't). But I felt that way so it was harder for me to come out of my funk. I'm over feeling like this. Why? Why does it always have to come back? Yeah. I know. I have bipolar disorder. That's what it does. But why can't I go a little hypomanic? Just a little. My Vraylar does a little too good of a job at keeping my highs in check. 

A little hypomania would be so nice right now. I'd have energy. I could get stuff done. I could feel really good. But no. No, my stupid brain always has to swing the other way. It's frustrating. I'm frustrated and irritable and down. Lame.

Also, I'm so burned out with work. The past 2 months have been stupid busy. Like, STUPID busy. Everyday we're asking for help. Every. Single. Day. We're always short staffed. Morale is down. Everyone is tired of being overworked and short staffed. It sucks. This week was supposed to be better. There wasn't much actually scheduled c-section and induction wise. A nice breather. Well, ha ha, no. I got a text again this morning looking for help today. So what the fuck. Part of me feels obligated to go in and help. But I'm not going to. I work the next two days. And if we're looking for help again today, then most likely we'll need it for the next 2 days as well. Meaning I'll get to work short staffed yet again. Tomorrow I'm primary nursery (meaning I'm attending deliveries). There was only one c-section and 2 inductions scheduled when I looked on Sunday. I wonder if that's changed. Friday I'm charge again. Pretty much every single shift I'm charge is a shit show. Tons of deliveries, not enough discharges to absorb deliveries, not enough staff, drama on the floor . . . a regular old dumpster fire. This past Sunday was the exception - it was actually a pleasant day. I didn't want to rip my hair out at the end of the shift. But that's not how it usually goes. 

So Yeah. Work has been sucky, my mood is sinking, and I don't know what to do about it. At least, I guess, I'm losing weight. Slowly but steadily I'm losing weight. Down 25 pounds now. Go me. 

I was going to upload a recent painting that I did, since it's been awhile since I posted one, but my computer is being a bag of dicks and won't let me. Well, I guess it's not my computer, it's blogger blocking it for some reason. I don't know. So no painting today. Sorry.

Tuesday 5/16/23 Anniversary

 Well hello there. Not much going on here. It has still been rather boring as of late. Nothing exciting to report. Although, tomorrow is our 20th wedding anniversary. Twenty years of marriage!!! (We've been together for 23 years) It's pretty amazing how fast time goes by. I, of course, work tomorrow, so we won't be doing anything really to celebrate. Our celebration is our trip to Japan (we leave a week from Thursday). It's crazy though . . . 20 years. And I love him more than when I married him, if that's even possible. 

Speaking of our Japan trip, I can't believe we leave next week! It's crept up on me. It doesn't feel real, like it's still months away. But nope! It's next week! I think we have all of our ducks in a row. I hope so. Still have to go to the post office and put our mail on hold until we get back . . . I plan on doing that on Thursday. I'm soooooo not looking forward to the 14 hour plane ride from LA to Tokyo. That is going to be brutal. Just brutal. But it'll be worth it, I'm sure. 

As far as my mood goes, I'm good. Stable, mostly happy, normal range of emotions. It's stellar. I'm worried about becoming hypomanic in Japan because of a screwed up sleep cycle and all of the stimulation. I think I'll be okay, but I still worry. I see my psychiatrist today so I'll chat with him about it. Otherwise, all is good. All is status quo. All is boring, quite honestly. Which, compared to the alternative, isn't such a bad thing. 

I don't plan on writing again until I get back from Japan - so 3-4 weeks from now. Maybe I'll even share some photos :) 

Thursday 7/23/20 Therapy and stuff

Hello my little weirdos! How is everyone doing today? I hope you all are doing well :)

It's been about a week and a half since I last wrote and not too much has changed. I'm still feeling pretty dang good. More than good some days (like today). I feel like myself again! Which is AMAZING! I attribute this partly to being on Wellbutrin and mostly Ty Hicks' Mental and Emotional Mastery program that I've been working. This program has opened my eyes to my own toxic habits and is helping me change them permanently. It's the bomb diggity! So yeah, feeling better.

Anyway, I had therapy today and I had a good session. M and I talked about a myriad of topics including my continued good mood, how work is going (great), and, of course, my mom. Ugh. I hate talking about her, but considering I continue to have issues with my relationship with her, I need to continue to talk about her (my mom is an alcoholic, btw, has been since before I was born). I did drop a bomb on M too - I decreased my lithium dose without consulting my psychiatrist. 

Yep. 

I decreased my own medication without talking to my doc first. Might be a stupid move, we'll find out. I've been on my lower dose for 9 days and I don't feel a difference (yet). Why did I do this? Because my tremor (a side effect of lithium) has been getting progressively worse. I didn't want to decrease my dose at the same time I was starting Wellbutrin as two med changes at the same time can be dangerous. And I didn't decrease by much. I usually take 3 tablets a day, I decreased it to 2 (the tablets are 450mg each). We'll see how this plays out. I see Dr. M in September. I'm guessing he won't be pleased. Oh well. 

That's about it. Not much this week. I'm thinking about posting some of my artwork here . . . we'll see.  

Monday 7/6/20 Stuff and Things

Hello all my little weirdos (like, 2 people who actually read this blog)! How are you all doing?

I have officially been in my Mental and Emotional Mastery program for two weeks! I've gone through a lot of modules and have learned a lot of stuff. I've actually almost gotten through half of the material - which is supposed to take 2-3 months. So yeah . . . maybe I'm spending a little too much time on it. I'm going to slow my pace down and re-watch some of the beginning videos to make sure I really grasp the concepts. I spoke with Ty on the phone today (the mental health coach who created this program) to touch base on how I'm doing. Which is good. I'm doing good. 

Now last week when I wrote I was hypomanic. Well, my euphoria switched gears into irritability for a couple days, which sucked. I was able to mostly manage it though. Thank goodness. Dysphoric hypomania is not fun. So I'm not hypomanic anymore. Darn. 

I am, actually, doing well though. I'm not really feeling that depressed. Down at times, withdrawn, sometimes irritable . . . but not depressed. I've been able to change my negative thought patterns into more positive ones and actually sustain them. Which I haven't been able to do before (at least for a lasting period of time). I think my change in mood is three-fold: my enthusiasm for the program, actually working the program, and being on Wellbutrin. I think these have all contributed to the positive changes I'm seeing. I certainly have a more positive outlook, which is great.

Otherwise, there's not much new going on. I'm reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren and am enjoying it. It's a spiritual 40 day overhaul. You read a chapter a day for 40 days and the book helps you find purpose or meaning in your life. Today is day 16 for me. 

So yeah. I guess that's it.

Monday 6/29/20 Therapy

So I had therapy today and it was a blast. No really. It was. But that's because I'm hypomanic. I was suspecting that I was and my therapist was like, "yeah, you definitely are."

Let's back up a minute. Last night I slept - about as well as I normally do which means waking up every hour to pee (I drink a lot of water - thanks lithium). This is important because the previous 3 nights I didn't sleep. Maybe 2-3 hours a night. And I didn't feel tired. No. I felt energized! So apparently no sleep + Wellbutrin + starting my mental and emotional mastery program = hypomanic.

You guys, I feel so amazing. Now, I'm not crazy hypomanic - I'm just mildly hypomanic. Enough to feel great and have energy and laugh hysterically for 10 minutes straight at a picture that isn't even really that funny (I did that yesterday).

So in therapy today I talked about the mastery program and spirituality and depression and showed M my latest art and talked about purpose and religion and and and . . . But I was talking really fast and flitting from topic to topic and couldn't really sit still and I was laughing. A lot. M must have gotten a kick out of me because he was laughing too. But even still, it was a good session.

Now my hope is that this hypomania sticks around. For awhile. Or forever. One of the two. (Hopefully forever).