Monday 8/8/22 High School

 This morning I took the boy to his high school so he could pick up his schedule, new student ID, laptop, etc. It's hard to believe he's going to be a sophmore. 10th grade. He's driving, get's his official permit on the 17th . . . he's growing up. It's crazy. But in a good way. He's a good kid. A really good kid. 

Last night was my first night Pristiq free and on 20mg of Lexapro. So far I haven't had any brain zaps or other withdrawal symptoms, which is good. Hopefully I won't. And, now that I'm on the full 20mg of Lexapro, I'm hoping to start feeling better. Although, to be honest, I'm not all that hopeful. I've really been struggling the past several weeks. To where I don't just feel blah or down - I feel depressed. Like, legit depressed. To where I don't want to do anything. Just sleep. Or scroll social media, or stare off into space. It's not good. I hate that I feel this way again. I'm doing everything I can to NOT feel like this. I'm forcing myself to do stuff, even when I desperately don't want to. And I started my Emotional and Mental Mastery program again. I did it like 3 years ago, and it helped. So I figured why not start again? I'm 3 videos in and there's 133 videos, with homework and tasks to do. The only thing different this time is that I won't have the check up calls with Ty Hicks, the guy who created the program. I'm hoping it will help. I need something to help. I'm so tired of feeling like this. It sucks, royally. So I'm going to work the program again, take my meds, see Mike when I can, see Marciniak, do my Esteem Quest tasks (another program I'm doing to try and help with my confidence and self esteem), get enough sleep, eat healthier, exercise . . . what more can I do? I don't even know. I'm doing everything I can think of. 

I guess that's all I have today. Anything more will just be me venting about how I'm feeling. And I don't really want to do that. 

Saturday 7/30/22 I don't know . . .

 It's been a week since my last post, and I don't know what to write about. I'm still struggling, work is busy and frustrating, I have no motivation. It's a Saturday and I'm chilling at home instead of being out with hubby and son because I have a blood draw to do at one. 

A blood draw? Yep. I signed up for a program/study called Zoe. They test my biology to see what foods will work best in my diet. I'm wearing a continuous glucose monitor for 1-2 weeks to see trends in my blood sugar, collected a poop sample last night (omg so gross) to check my gut flora/health, and am doing a blood draw today at 1. The blood draw is really just a finger stick and I collect 4-5 drops of blood. It will test my body's reaction to sugar and fat (I had to eat these special muffins they sent me for breakfast and lunch). It's all supposed to help me eat better for my body and hopefully lose weight. *fingers crossed*

I have a custom order of 3 paintings to do - 2 dogs and a cat - but I haven't started them yet. Again, no motivation. I'm going to try and start them on Monday. Hopefully. 

Otherwise I'm just floating along, not really doing anything, not really feeling anything except depression. I'm still calling in sick on Wednesday so I can see Mike - haven't found anyone to trade shifts with me (which is annoying because I often trade shifts with people who need it, but as soon as I do, no one seems to want to help). 

So anyway, that's about it. I hate how I'm feeling. I'm sick of it. The weaning off of Pristiq is going well. Slowly adding the Lexapro. Nothing so far, but that's not surprising as I'm not on the full dose of Lexapro yet (I'm taking half a pill right now). We'll see. Again, *fingers crossed*

Okay bye. 

Tuesday 7/6/21 Well, I did something . . .

 So yeah. As the title states, I did something. Something I think I'm going to be proud of. Something that I think is going to help me immensely. Something . . . that my hubby doesn't know about yet. Oops. So this thing I did, what is it? Well, I joined a  training program called Warrior Babe Blueprint. It is a program that will teach me how to eat appropriately for my body type to lose weight, gain muscle, and then maintain what I achieve. It's a program that is set up much like my Mental and Emotional Mastery program was set up (which, I might add, I excelled at). It's a series of learning modules that I go through at my own pace. I'll learn about macros and what to eat when, how to measure my food accurately (instead of just eyeballing it like I do now). I'll learn which cardio and strength training exercises are best suited to my body type and my goals. I'll learn how to take control of my body and make it into what I want. It will help me eat better, sleep better, be better. I'll have more energy and hopefully won't need my customary afternoon nap (pretty much every day I'm off I nap - not because I want to, but because I don't feel like I can't function without one). I am super excited to start this program!! I signed up today. The only problem is the cost - it's not cheap. But I'm looking at this as a major investment in myself. I invested in myself last year when I did Mental and Emotional Mastery, I'm investing in myself this year by doing this. I'm worth it. And the program comes with tons of support from nutrition and fitness coaches every step of the way. For life. I can use this program and the support of coaches for life. That's huge. This is a lifestyle change. A lifestyle change for the better. I'm going to get healthy and strong. I'm going to excel. I am going to do this!!

Anyway, there isn't much of anything else going on. Work and sleep and sleep and work. I worked the 4th of July, which I figured would be a nice, chill day. It wasn't. I did 7 deliveries. It was busy. One, for a Sunday, but then especially for a holiday Sunday! I definitely earned my time and a half. I worked yesterday too and it was just as dumb. And the vibe was off yesterday. It just seemed like a weird day. But I'm off today and the next 2 days, so that's nice (I plan on starting my new program tomorrow - power through the learning!). 

That's all for today. Keep it pretty short.

Tuesday 10/6/20 Double Ugh

 Hey there! How's everyone doing (all 2 of my readers)?

Let's just get down to it. I've been having a series of down days. Last week when I posted I had had three. Well, now I've had more than that. Like, pretty much every day. Ugh.

Now, they're not terrible days, and I wouldn't say I'm depressed, but I'm definitely down. I feel that black cloud looming. And I'm not okay with it. For 3 months I've been doing so well . . . and now, just . . . ugh. I have no motivation, no drive, no inspiration, no real desire to do anything. I'm forcing myself to draw and paint - because at least that's something. I want to read, but I can't focus. I've been napping. Which when I do it every day is never a good sign. 

I feel myself slipping into old thought patterns. I'm trying desperately not to. But I am none the less. I've been thinking I need to start re-watching the videos in the depression program I did. Maybe having it fresh in my mind would help. Because just reading my notes isn't really doing anything. And I have therapy this Thursday. It's been 8 weeks since my last session. Before, I felt like I didn't need it anymore - today? Yeah. I need it. Maybe I'll gain some insight. 

I feel like a failure. Hubs and I spent a lot of money for me to go through the depression program and now I'm slipping again. Back sliding. Was it truly a waste of money? A few weeks ago it didn't seem that way, but now . . . now I almost feel otherwise. It's like I'm doomed to keep getting depressed. I just can't seem to shake it off completely. 

I'm trying not to catastrophize what I'm feeling, but boy is it hard. I'm trying to stay positive and do all the tricks I learned in my program. I'm trying to keep busy. But it seems like it isn't quite enough. 

Saturday 8/29/20 - Well Damn

 Only a few days since my last post. Kinda weird, eh? Yeah. I'm having an off day today. Very cranky, a little down, a lot frustrated. See, the past 2 months I've been feeling damn good. Happy and content and good. And today . . . I'm not. And it really is very frustrating. Now, I know my moods are going to fluctuate. I know this. But that doesn't mean I want them to. Why can't I just be rainbows and sunshine all the time? Why do I have to have off days?

When I have an off day I think my depression is coming back. That all the hard work I put into doing my program isn't working. And that scares me. And tends to compound my bad mood. I start a spiral. A downward spiral. And this is not a good thing. It brings me back to my old habits. Habits I'm trying to lose. 

I made myself take a break today. Instead of going out with my hubby and son I stayed home and took a nap. It was a short nap, but it was a nap. Then I went through all my notes from the program, really studied them and thought about them. And those two things helped. A bit. I'm better now than I was earlier today. I was seeing darkness earlier today and now I'm not. Or at least not as much. Which is why I felt the need to write. 

Ugh. I just want to be perpetually better. Where I don't have to think about it, where I don't have to try so damn hard. I know I'll get there . . . eventually.  I just wish I was there now. Oh well.

In other news, I saw the endodontist on Wednesday and had a root canal done. Delightful. Actually, the root canal itself isn't all that bad - he numbed me up good so that I didn't feel a thing. But now my tooth aches and I can't chew on my left side and if I accidentally clench down I get sharp zingers of pain. I still have to get my permanent crown place which will hopefully be done on Tuesday. Until then it's aches and zingers and chewing on my right side. It's really not that much fun.

Monday 7/6/20 Stuff and Things

Hello all my little weirdos (like, 2 people who actually read this blog)! How are you all doing?

I have officially been in my Mental and Emotional Mastery program for two weeks! I've gone through a lot of modules and have learned a lot of stuff. I've actually almost gotten through half of the material - which is supposed to take 2-3 months. So yeah . . . maybe I'm spending a little too much time on it. I'm going to slow my pace down and re-watch some of the beginning videos to make sure I really grasp the concepts. I spoke with Ty on the phone today (the mental health coach who created this program) to touch base on how I'm doing. Which is good. I'm doing good. 

Now last week when I wrote I was hypomanic. Well, my euphoria switched gears into irritability for a couple days, which sucked. I was able to mostly manage it though. Thank goodness. Dysphoric hypomania is not fun. So I'm not hypomanic anymore. Darn. 

I am, actually, doing well though. I'm not really feeling that depressed. Down at times, withdrawn, sometimes irritable . . . but not depressed. I've been able to change my negative thought patterns into more positive ones and actually sustain them. Which I haven't been able to do before (at least for a lasting period of time). I think my change in mood is three-fold: my enthusiasm for the program, actually working the program, and being on Wellbutrin. I think these have all contributed to the positive changes I'm seeing. I certainly have a more positive outlook, which is great.

Otherwise, there's not much new going on. I'm reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren and am enjoying it. It's a spiritual 40 day overhaul. You read a chapter a day for 40 days and the book helps you find purpose or meaning in your life. Today is day 16 for me. 

So yeah. I guess that's it.

Monday 6/22/20 A New Direction

Well folks, today I embarked on a new adventure. One that I'm hoping will get me results in conquering my depression. I'm excited and nervous about it and for the first time in a long time I have real hope.

So what is this new adventure? Well, it's kind of like therapy . . . but completely different. It's a way of retraining my mind, of "shifting" my mindset from a depressive state to a more positive one. It's an intense 3 month program that focuses on letting go of the "coping mindset". The mastermind behind this is a gentleman named Ty Hicks. I happened to "like" a post of his on Instagram and he looked at my profile and messaged me, asking about my bipolar and depression. Now, I normally don't answer random messages but for some reason I responded to his. We messaged back and forth and he asked me for my phone number to discuss his program. I was a bit taken aback and, honestly, a little weirded out and suspicious, but I ultimately gave it to him.

He called, the next day I think, and we talked briefly about what he could do and we set up a time for him to talk at length with me and hubby. I felt very nervous and unsure. Was this guy for real? What the hell was going on? But, I decided to give a go because why the hell not? At worst it would be an hour and a half of my time gone. At best, well, maybe he could actually help me.

He called this past Saturday and spoke with me and hubby for almost 2 hours. He wanted my full history with mental illness, what I've tried, what worked, what didn't work, how do I feel about it, how does hubby feel about it. He was very thorough and, strangely, very calming and reassuring. I felt comfortable talking to him, baring my soul to a complete stranger. It was very surreal. At the end of it all, hubby and I decided to go for it.

I had my first coaching session with him today and it was intense. He gave me tons - like, a metric fuck ton - of information. I took pages of notes. And what he was saying was making sense. Which freaked me out a little bit. After talking I started going through the videos on the website - my homework. I have 5-7 hours of homework each week along with the coaching calls. It's an intense program.

So anyway, yeah. My new adventure. I'm excited and nervous and hopeful. The End.