Thursday 7/13/23 A Little Bit Off

 I'm a little bit off today. I woke up at 5:30am wide awake. But it was 5:30 and I didn't want to be up yet, so I went back to sleep. Kind of. Then I woke up at 6:30 and was terribly groggy. So groggy that I didn't get out of bed until 7:15. And I just can't today. I'm not feeling it. It's safe to say that I'm feeling down. More than just blah, which is how I have been feeling the past few days. I couldn't get myself to workout or do anything really. I had part of a protein shake, a little bit of coffee, and then I laid down again, stared at the ceiling. Forced myself to get up and shower.

There are several reasons for feeling this way, I think. Let's start with my weight. I've been trying to lose weight, for quite some time now. Been doing Noom for about 5 months. And I've been stuck. Not losing anything for the whole time. Until getting back from Japan. I started losing. I lost about 7 pounds. Go me! No, not so much. I've gained back 5 of those pounds. Without eating more. My weight just creeps up. I lose a pound, gain it back the next day. I can't seem to just steadily lose weight and it's fucking frustrating. I don't know what to do. I have body image issues - always have - and this is making it worse. Making me feel like a failure. A big, fat failure. I'm trying not to think like this, I know it doesn't help, but after gaining weight again for the 4th day in a row . . . well, it's hard not to. 

Next, let's talk about work. Ahhhhh, work. I don't want to go. At all. Like, desperately don't want to go. I don't exactly know why. I'm not enjoying my job anymore. I'm burnt out. And so much is changing there, not for the better. We have all new upper management and the only thing they're concerned with is making money. There have been cutbacks and layoffs - when we're already often short staffed. But what do they care? The CEOs and CNOs need to get their hefty paychecks and bonuses. Screw the floor staff. We have to do more with less and it's just getting stupid. And our manager quit. She was awesome. She fought for us. And now she's gone. The 3 people that applied for it . . . well, none of them are that good. I'm worried what this means for our unit. And I can't leave - I'm stuck until at least December because I signed a 2 year contract for a bonus. And even if I could leave, where would I go? Other units have it worse than us. And going to a new facility means I'd probably have to work night shift which I physically and mentally can't do. So I really AM stuck. I dread going in. What kind of a shit show is it going to be today? I'm having a hard time connecting with patients because I so desperately don't want to be there. Which makes me even more miserable. The whole situation just sucks.

Lastly, let's talk about faith. I've been struggling in my faith. When I was baptized (what was that, 3 years ago?) I was excited. I felt like I knew what this faith thing was all about. It was comforting to me. But as time has gone on, not so much. It's like I can't quite put a finger on what I actually believe. The Catholic faith seems so suffocating now, and I never even considered myself a true Catholic. I'm more a a cafeteria Catholic - take what I like and leave the rest. But now I'm struggling with even that. Going to mass is a chore - one I don't want to do. I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it. My prayer life is sporadic at best. I pray - I do - but it feels so forced and false. I don't know how to pray. My prayers are images in my mind more than anything else. Which doesn't feel right. I don't know how to describe it. I haven't told anyone about this. Because I feel bad. I feel like a fake and a failure because my faith is wavering. I know Jeremy would tell me to try harder, read the bible more, pray more . . . the problem is I don't want to. And that makes me feel terrible. I know faith is important to Jeremy. Mass is important to him. Prayer is important to him. I feel like I'm letting him down. And that's a shitty feeling. 

All of this came to a head today and I'm not dealing with it all that well. I've felt like crying all day. The tears don't come but they're right there. I managed to draw a little today. I designed my next tattoo (or what I would really like to be my next tattoo). A kitsune. 

This is the only thing that has made me feel somewhat okay today. Drawing this. I want it on my left thigh. I just have to convince Jeremy to let me get it. We'll see. I love foxes and kitsune commemorate our trip to Japan. 

So yeah. All this crap. I have therapy today at 4. We're supposed to be focusing on my body image issues but I have this other stuff too. I don't know. I guess we'll see how it goes. 

Wednesday 9/30/20 Ugh

 It's hard to believe that it's almost October. Like, tomorrow is October! How crazy is that?? This has by far been the fastest, slowest year ever. Yes, both fast and slow. 

I'm writing today because I've actually had a couple of crap days and I feel the need to purge. Monday was a day of rage. Anger way out of proportion to what was going on. And what was going on? Nothing. Nothing was going on. I was just pissed off at everything. 

Every. Little. Thing.

Everything made me mad. It probably would have been comical to anyone watching me, but for me it was pure hell. Nothing triggered it - I woke up pissed. I managed to not scream and throw things. Barely. 

Yesterday and Monday I spent the day scanning paintings into the computer. Fifteen paintings to put in my Etsy shop and 179 personal paintings. That's 194 paintings I scanned. It took forever. But it's done. So Monday I was a ball of rage, and yesterday I was blah. All I did was plug along, scanning paintings, not really feeling. Didn't go to the gym because I wasn't really feeling it. Didn't do anything except scan paintings. 

And that brings us to today. Where I am blah and unmotivated and uninspired and frustrated because of this. I'm not depressed - I want to make that clear. I don't even think that I'm necessarily down . . . I'm just . . . here. I don't even know how to describe it. I'm just existing today. I'm physically taking up space but that's it. I'm flat. Emotionless. There are heavy, exasperated sighs often. I don't want to do anything. I have drawings to paint, the kitchen to clean, dinner to get in the crock pot. And I stare off into space, sighing occasionally. 

And that's why I needed to write today. Because maybe if I get this off my chest I'll feel better and become more animated. Maybe I'll accomplish something. Because right now? I was overwhelmed with having to decide what to have for lunch. Because right now I want to lay down and sleep until tomorrow. And again - I don't feel depressed. Not how I normally feel when I'm depressed. I'm just . . . so  . . . I don't know. BLAH. Flat. Kind of checked out for the day. 

I'm trying not to let this get me down. Because it can. And in the past it would have. I would take this as a sign I was getting bad again and I'm not letting myself do that this time. Not this time brain. Everyone has blah, uninspired, unmotivated days. That's normal, right? (please say it's normal) And that's what I'm experiencing - a transient off day. I'll be better soon. 

Hopefully by tomorrow because I work. 

Saturday 8/29/20 - Well Damn

 Only a few days since my last post. Kinda weird, eh? Yeah. I'm having an off day today. Very cranky, a little down, a lot frustrated. See, the past 2 months I've been feeling damn good. Happy and content and good. And today . . . I'm not. And it really is very frustrating. Now, I know my moods are going to fluctuate. I know this. But that doesn't mean I want them to. Why can't I just be rainbows and sunshine all the time? Why do I have to have off days?

When I have an off day I think my depression is coming back. That all the hard work I put into doing my program isn't working. And that scares me. And tends to compound my bad mood. I start a spiral. A downward spiral. And this is not a good thing. It brings me back to my old habits. Habits I'm trying to lose. 

I made myself take a break today. Instead of going out with my hubby and son I stayed home and took a nap. It was a short nap, but it was a nap. Then I went through all my notes from the program, really studied them and thought about them. And those two things helped. A bit. I'm better now than I was earlier today. I was seeing darkness earlier today and now I'm not. Or at least not as much. Which is why I felt the need to write. 

Ugh. I just want to be perpetually better. Where I don't have to think about it, where I don't have to try so damn hard. I know I'll get there . . . eventually.  I just wish I was there now. Oh well.

In other news, I saw the endodontist on Wednesday and had a root canal done. Delightful. Actually, the root canal itself isn't all that bad - he numbed me up good so that I didn't feel a thing. But now my tooth aches and I can't chew on my left side and if I accidentally clench down I get sharp zingers of pain. I still have to get my permanent crown place which will hopefully be done on Tuesday. Until then it's aches and zingers and chewing on my right side. It's really not that much fun.

5/21/18

Well hello there. I'm not quite sure how to write what I want to say. My brain is in a bit of a jumble right now. Racing thoughts, intrusive thoughts . . . it's a mess. Anyway, I was feeling a bit depressed again yesterday, just not right. I wanted to not exist and those feelings have carried over to today.

Yay. Go me.

But I had decided that I was going to do things today, namely, cleaning the house and working out before taking my son to school. I had decided last Friday that I would clean today, period. But when I woke up this morning all I wanted to do was stay in bed. Just sleep. Sleep as long as I possibly could before taking Ayden to school. What did I do? I got my lazy ass out of bed and got on my spin bike for 20 minutes. That, my friends, is a solid win.

But lets talk about the cleaning. On a normal day the task seems daunting. I mean, there's a lot to do. And on a normal day I would break things down into steps and do things one by one, checking them off of my list as I went along. But on a depressed day? Oh no. It seems I'm incapable of doing this, no matter how hard I might try. Everything seems so overwhelming that I want to just sit and stare at the wall.

See that's a thing I think people don't get about bipolar disorder. My brain functions differently when I'm depressed (when I'm manic too) than when I'm "normal" or stable. I can't control these changes (if I could, I would). When I'm depressed everything slows down. It takes me longer to process information. It's like walking through waist high mud. And incoming information has to compete with my negative self talk, not an easy task.

Today though, today I was on a mission. My ass got up and got on that spin bike. I was going to get shit done!

Or so I thought.

Well, I got a little bit done, but not as much as I wanted. Why? I was overwhelmed. My brain was working against me. I did about half of what I had planned. I'm hoping to do the rest on Thursday. Maybe my brain will cooperate with me then.

And I didn't really write everything I wanted to. Because my brain is an asshole.

1/19/18

I'm feeling really weird. Off, not myself. I'm not sure I can even describe it. . . I feel distant, disconnected, like I'm not really here. Does that even make sense? I can be in a room of coworkers and I feel as though I'm in the background, being ignored. Like everything I'm doing is fake, like everything is a facade. I'm not the real me. I don't feel depressed, that's not it. I don't know what this is. But I certainly don't like it.





















I'm forgetting things. Little things that I should be doing. At work. Like calling the pediatrician for a HIR bili. Or charting that I emptied a catheter. Maybe just because I had ECT this week. Maybe it will get better again. I don't like this. At. All. 

12/8/17

It's been about 4.5 weeks now that I've been on the Vraylar. Four and a half weeks of feeling "normal", of feeling "good". I've had a couple of dips though. Last weekend, Saturday, I cut. I was feeling down, off, not right. And I cut. Sunday I felt the same but I tried to hide it and play it off.I had an instance where I went downstairs and got on the spin bike to keep from screaming and destroying things. I ended up crying. Monday I had ECT and therapy and I was definitely off - but that's probably more the ECT than anything else.

The more I think about it though, the more I think I've truly been off all week. Just not feeling myself this week. A little down but not really - I don't feel depressed. I just don't feel like me. I'm hyper sensitive, quick to anger and just off. I don't know how else to describe it.

Yesterday and today all I want to do is stay in bed and hide away and sleep. Not be bothered by anyone or anything. I think hubby is a little worried as he's noticed it.

I'm hoping this means nothing. I'm hoping this is just a little blip in the big scheme of things feeling better. Because I deserve to feel better. So I'm trying not to let it worry me. I see Dr. M on Monday and will talk to him about it.

In the meantime I'm going to try not to worry and try to be "normal".