Wednesday 12/29/21 Again With The Coffee!

 It's morning. I'm drinking my coffee and wondering what the heck I should write about. How I'm doing - of course - that's a given. But what else? There's nothing exciting going on in my life. Rather, I'm just floating along, trying desperately to keep my head above the turbulent waters. 

The days that I work are becoming more and more difficult. I'm having a really hard time interacting and keeping up the façade that everything is okay. It's been stupidly busy and I manage to work all my shifts and not get called off (I'd like to get called off here and there). I thought about calling in sick this upcoming Friday but it's New Year's Eve and I would feel like an asshole doing that. If it was a regular Friday I would. I hate being at work and feeling so awful. I want to be alone, I don't want to interact. But then people start asking questions as to why I'm so quiet. Not everyone needs to know I'm depressed. 

I'm feeling more and more empty. More and more flat and withdrawn and down and distant. More and more like a hollow shell of who I'm supposed to be. I hate it. I don't want to be back to this but here we are. The only upside to this is that I still don't have an appetite so I'm losing weight. And I've been able to work out consistently. But I'd much rather feel like myself and not be depressed. 

Early Monday morning, like, 0400, I had a hallucination. The first hallucination I've had in years. I was wide awake in bed and rolled over as I was going to get up to use the bathroom. There was a dark figure standing next to me with its arm outstretched over me. It startled me, to say the least. It dissipated, which is when I realized that I was hallucinating. Hubby thought that maybe I was dreaming, but no, I was quite awake when it happened. And it wasn't a shadow - it was solid. So yeah. A hallucination after several years of being free from them. I haven't had one since, for which I am grateful. Hopefully I won't have any more.  

Tuesday 12/21/21 Sipping Coffee

 It's kind of early. At least for me. It's 9am and I've already had my protein shake, got on the spin bike, showered etc, and now I'm sitting here sipping my coffee. Normally I'd just be on the spin bike right now and would still need to shower etc. But I was up early because a friend is supposed to be stopping by as well as my mom this morning. So I wanted to be ready. And ready I am. I guess. 

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I worked, on the floor, and my assignment was busy. I had a patient with blood pressure issues, a patient who's baby had blood sugar issues, and a patient who was a very needy bitch (in her defense she has borderline personality disorder). And shit hit the fan with all three of them right after report. It was a very busy day for me. And my mood was trash. I was very down, flat, withdrawn. I tried to connect with my patients and coworkers but everything was fake and forced. It was a long day. My saving grace was that I got to leave early - at 5:30 instead of 7. I'll take it. I just felt pretty rotten yesterday. And then knowing I work tomorrow, am on call all day on Thursday, and then work Saturday and Sunday (yep, I work Christmas day), is enough to make me shrivel up. 

I haven't been creative since my two paintings last week. And I don't feel like being creative. I don't feel like doing anything. Now that I have "extra" time today, I don't know what to do with myself. I'll probably nap today cause I don't know what else to do. That, and I slept like crap again last night. I've slept like crap the past few nights, which I'm sure doesn't help my mood. 

I still have no appetite. I'm still primarily having protein shakes for breakfast and lunch. And then kind of forcing myself to eat dinner. I haven't had sweets in a while. Yesterday at work there were all kinds of chocolates - truffles, chocolate covered pretzels (which I love), caramels . . . so much junk. None of it looked appetizing. I didn't touch a thing. I'm averaging a 600-700 calorie deficit every day. Sometimes more. I just don't want to eat. 

Anyway, that's all I've got right now. 

Thursday 10/15/20 Stuff and Stuff

 Welp, it's been a week since my last post and I'm happy to say I'm not struggling as much. I'm still feeling down, disinterested and withdrawn, but it's not as prominent? That's not the word I'm looking for. It's not as all encompassing. Or as bad, I should say. I guess. 

I haven't been sleeping all that well. I'm up about every hour - and not even because I have to pee! No, my brain is just being an asshole and waking me up. So I've felt pretty damn exhausted the past few days. I mean, if I'm not going to sleep, can I at least have some hypomania to go with it? Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is. Oh well. 

I've been painting a little more. Here's a couple of foxes I did:

 

Aren't they cute? The coffee one looks a little wonky to me. Like, he didn't look as wonky when he was just inked. But when I added watercolor he got wonky. That's okay though - I still love him. 

Here's a shout out to myself: both of these paintings (and others) are available in my Etsy shop!

I might as well toot my own horn, right?

Anyway, there's not really much of anything going on. My tooth I had a root canal in is still hurting after a month and a half so that sucks. I go back to the endodontist next Tuesday to have it looked at (my dentist doesn't know what to do about it). He said maybe steroid injections at the base of the tooth to stop inflammation while it heals. Boy doesn't that sound fun . . . or not. One of the two. 

So for now I guess I just keep plugging along, trying to sleep, and trying not to let my lower mood get to me. What more can I do?