Wednesday 12/29/21 Again With The Coffee!

 It's morning. I'm drinking my coffee and wondering what the heck I should write about. How I'm doing - of course - that's a given. But what else? There's nothing exciting going on in my life. Rather, I'm just floating along, trying desperately to keep my head above the turbulent waters. 

The days that I work are becoming more and more difficult. I'm having a really hard time interacting and keeping up the façade that everything is okay. It's been stupidly busy and I manage to work all my shifts and not get called off (I'd like to get called off here and there). I thought about calling in sick this upcoming Friday but it's New Year's Eve and I would feel like an asshole doing that. If it was a regular Friday I would. I hate being at work and feeling so awful. I want to be alone, I don't want to interact. But then people start asking questions as to why I'm so quiet. Not everyone needs to know I'm depressed. 

I'm feeling more and more empty. More and more flat and withdrawn and down and distant. More and more like a hollow shell of who I'm supposed to be. I hate it. I don't want to be back to this but here we are. The only upside to this is that I still don't have an appetite so I'm losing weight. And I've been able to work out consistently. But I'd much rather feel like myself and not be depressed. 

Early Monday morning, like, 0400, I had a hallucination. The first hallucination I've had in years. I was wide awake in bed and rolled over as I was going to get up to use the bathroom. There was a dark figure standing next to me with its arm outstretched over me. It startled me, to say the least. It dissipated, which is when I realized that I was hallucinating. Hubby thought that maybe I was dreaming, but no, I was quite awake when it happened. And it wasn't a shadow - it was solid. So yeah. A hallucination after several years of being free from them. I haven't had one since, for which I am grateful. Hopefully I won't have any more.  

5/1/19

I want to write, I just don't know what to write about. I've been mildly depressed the past few weeks - some days more than mildly. Stuck as an emotionless husk (except for anger - I have lots of anger). And it just seems to be getting worse. I've even been having hallucinations again. I've gone months without those and now they're back.

I have therapy today at 2 and even though I'm depressed I don't know what I'm going to talk about. I mean, beat a dead horse much? I guess I can talk about body dysmorphia, seeing how I hate my fat and ugly self. So there's that. A topic! Go me!

I'm going to be having some new artwork soon. Hopefully. In maybe a different style than what I normally draw. I'm looking forward to that but am also scared because what if I fail? I get this crippling fear so much so that I don't even start. But I'm going to. I WILL! This week hopefully.

Wow. That's really it. I have no motivation to write or come up with anything even though I want to. Maybe I'll have more later. After therapy.

Who knows.

I'm out for now though. 

7/6/18

The last day that I wrote was Sunday and it's now Friday. It's been a long week actually. My dog is staring at me like I've done something wrong. It's a little disconcerting. Anyway, long week.

I had ECT on Monday and it really knocked me down. I spent most of the day sleeping and went to bed early. One thing I did notice was that my mood seemed improved on Monday (when I was awake . . .). I did talk with Dr. M about how my mood has been and asked what we could do. He said I could come in sooner for another ECT treatment if I needed it. Which was frustrating to say the least. But I only had about 4 minutes to talk to him so it's not like we could have a normal discussion. So I plan on keeping my September appointment and seeing how I do up until then. Then we'll have time to talk.

Tuesday my mood was definitely improved and was even a little elevated. It was so nice for a change to feel good and be giggly. You have no idea. I was maybe a little embarrassing in King Soopers. But that's okay because I felt so good.

Wednesday and Thursday I worked. Both days my mood held pretty steady if maybe just a little bit down. Well, Thursday was a little down, Wednesday I guess I was a little giggly, at least to start (there was a comment made about me being in a good mood). Both days were long and just dragged on and on. Like seriously, I didn't think they were going to end.

But I wasn't depressed. And that's huge.

And now today. I don't want to do anything. I have no motivation. I feel that everything is pointless and stupid. I'm empty. I'm not depressed, at least not how I was. An argument could be made that what I'm feeling is mild depression. I just want to sleep. Or curl up in a ball and not exist.

So what's new?

My brain is a damn stubborn organ. Stupid thing. It's annoying.

And those books I've been looking forward to? They were supposed to arrive on Tuesday. They still aren't here yet. The one thing I've been looking forward to, the thing that's been sustaining me . . . nope. Which is also annoying. Hopefully they'll come today. *fingers crossed*

Hallucinations now! I had tactile hallucinations yesterday: someone tapping on my shoulder or back (no one was there) and someone shaking the back of my chair (again, no one was there). This is in addition to the orbs of light and shadow figures and demons that I see. So that's fun.   

7/1/18

I don't really feel like writing but I'm trying to write something every couple of days or so. So here goes . . .

Just when I thought my hallucinations were tapering off they ramp themselves up again. I'm still seeing the usual shadow figures, demons, and orbs of light, but now I'm seeing something new and fun: dinner plate sized spiders crawling on the ceiling at night. Oh goody! Giant fucking spiders! I've seen them the past 3 nights. Every time I wake up to go to the bathroom (which is a lot because my bladder hates me) they're there. Crawling around being all creepy.

Now, most of the time my hallucinations don't bother me too much because I know they're just that - hallucinations. But these spiders man . . . God DAMN they creep me out! Even though I know they're not real. I don't like spiders and I certainly don't like ones the size of dinner plates. No. Fuck that shit.

In other news, my mood was overall a little better yesterday. I had periods where my mood dropped and I felt the familiar cloud over me and was flat and empty. But I also had periods where I was mostly okay. Which honestly was a breath of fresh air. And I actually felt excited  for something (I ordered some books on interpersonal communication and interpersonal psychology because I'm a dork and want to learn stuff). Now I have something to look forward to (you'd think going on vacation in August would be the thing I'm looking forward to but I'm anxious as hell about that trip).

Now today . . . today I'm not sure yet how I'm doing. I feel down and withdrawn and I don't want to do anything. I just want the day to be over. But I'm not really depressed. Not like I have been at least. I guess maybe a different level of depression? I don't know. I'm still looking forward to my books which is a good sign but I kinda want to not exist. That's not good. So I'm not sure.

I was hoping yesterday was a sign that maybe I'm coming out of my depressive episode, but today I'm not so sure. One day at a time, I need to not get my hopes up but also not be negative about it either. I'll get there. I'll get through this. And I'll have my awesome books to keep me busy.

1/23/18

Things have been weird lately. All around strange and I don't really know what to make of it. See, I've been stable now for 78 days. Can you believe that?? Seventy eight days with no depression or mania. My mood has been even. Normal. I've been normal.

And I don't know what to do with myself.

No really. I don't really know how to be normal anymore. I've been depressed or rapid cycling for so long that normalcy is foreign to me. Yes, even though it's almost been 3 full months.

I feel lost. I feel awkward. I feel like I'm learning how to interact with people all over again. And this is difficult because I'm still withdrawn. I'm trying not to be. I'm trying to put myself out there, chat with coworkers, ask questions, actively listen . . . but I still find myself being withdrawn, stumbling over my words, and feeling like a buffoon.

Large gatherings of people (more than, say,  4-5) make me uncomfortable and make me withdraw more. I feel like curling up in a ball and disappearing. It's hard for me to open up and interact in situations like this.

New situations confuse, frighten, and overwhelm me. I have the opportunity to go to a conference for free - I just have to volunteer some of my time. The thought of volunteering terrifies me. So much so that I'm not going.

I feel that through the course of my illness I've fundamentally changed. I'm not who I used to be. And I hate that.

And even though I'm stable there are still some, I don't know what to call them, bad things happening? I still hallucinate every day. Sometimes a lot, sometimes a little, but always every day. I'm still having suicidal thoughts most days that I have to fight and counter. I still want to cut and I have.

But who knows. Maybe this is just how I am now when I'm stable. A withdrawn, frightened, overwhelmed girl who hallucinates, cuts, and contemplates her own death.

I'll be honest, I'm not sure this is who I want to be. But I'm not really sure how to change. it. 

Day 23

Today hasn't been too bad I guess. I was on call for work and didn't get called in. That's always nice. So I got to sleep in and then hubby and I went to the flea market. I found a taxidermied wood duck that I of course had to own . . . I named him Badger. After the flea market was Costco and then grocery shopping. Good times, I know. I read for a bit while hubby played video games, we had a roll in the hay, and then dinner (Philly cheesesteak sandwiches). A pretty low key day, my mood was mostly even and okay, not too bad really.

And now I'm sitting here on the couch, hallucinating. Yes, you read that right - hallucinating. Someone keeps walking back and forth in the hallway. A non-real someone, obviously. That's okay though, I'm used to it. I know it's not real. Yesterday, in the movie theater (we went and saw Civil War), I was seeing orbs of light. My hallucinations tend to be random and don't seem to have a trigger. At least not one that I'm aware of. I've been getting them for about 2-2.5 years now. Something like that. Visual and auditory although the visual are much more frequent (auditory is pretty rare, actually).

I felt like I had more to say when I first logged on but now I'm thinking not. What a pointless post. Oh well.