It's kind of hard to believe it's October already. It's starting to feel like fall here in Colorado - brisk temperatures, the leaves are changing, pumpkin spice lattes can be found everywhere . . . It's my favorite time of year.
What's also hard to believe is that I kind of want to die. I know I don't really want to - it's just my brain lying to me - but I'm experiencing those familiar feelings of hopelessness and despair. Feeling that everything is pointless. Feeling hollow and empty. So empty I hurt. So empty that I can't even cry, though my body tries desperately to do so. So empty that I want to cut again just so I can feel something.
I'm not in a good place and I think it's becoming more evident. I don't know about home, but at work people have noticed me withdrawing more. People have noticed that I've become more quiet. People are asking about it. And a couple people - people I've confided in - know how bad I am.
I don't want to be this bad again. I was feeling so good for almost 3 full months. I was finally getting used to being okay.
And now I'm not again.
.
.
.
Anyway, I'm starting a 90 day challenge. Have you heard of Rachel Hollis? She's the author of the book Girl, Wash Your Face, and an amazing speaker/motivator. She's putting on a 90 day challenge to help women reach their goals - or at least make progress towards them - before the new year. So I joined. My main goal being to lose weight but I plan on using her advice and motivation to help me with my mood wherever I can.
Hopefully this will help.
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