12/28/17

It's 6pm and I'm sitting here wanting to write but not knowing what to write. I'm feeling pretty low right now. I have been the past few days. I know it has to do with the complete disaster that was Christmas.

We celebrated on Christmas eve. Jeremy, Ayden and I, my brother, his wife and son, and my mother in law all went over to my mom's house for brunch and presents. My mom makes this amazing breakfast casserole that we all look forward to every year.

My mom is also an alcoholic.

So, going over to her house you never know if you're going to get drunk mom or sober mom.

We got drunk mom. It was only 11am.

I did my best to ignore her behavior and tried to enjoy myself. We ate, we opened presents, I was anxious and angry but kept it in check. I went upstairs with Jeremy, Ayden, and my brother, Ken. My mom was upstairs too and was acting even more tipsy than before.

"You know what?" my mom asked. "I'm thinking of leaving Bill (her husband)." She crossed her arms and started to get emotional. Ken and I looked at each other. Not again. Not this again. When my mom drinks she gets extremely emotional and does whatever she can to create drama and make herself the victim and center of attention.

"You're not doing this mom, not on Christmas. We don't want to hear it," Ken said. Ken looked at me. "I'm going to the garage to smoke. You wanna come with me?" I don't smoke, but we needed to talk. "Yes. Let's go." We went into the garage and Ken lit up. Moments later our mom came into the garage. So much for us talking in private. My mom lit a cigarette of her own and looked at us. "I'm interrupting something, aren't I?" she asked. Ken and I looked at each other. "Yes," we said. "You are."

"It's just that," my mom sniffled, "I'm thinking of leaving Bill."

"No. We're not doing this not today. You've been drinking and you're emotional and not thinking straight," Ken said.

"I haven't been drinking!" my mom hissed.

"Yes you have," I said. "It's obvious. Ken and I can both tell. Jeremy can tell. You're drunk."

My mom denied it.

We argued back and forth for at least 20 minutes, my brother and I pointing out how we knew she was drunk, pointing out how she had been drinking for as long as we can both remember, pointing out how she's an adult and she can drink if she wants but she has to realize that that means she's going to have a strained and limited relationship with us.

She started crying and said, "You know what? I've been drinking. I drink"

Ken and I were shocked. Never did I think we would get admittance out of her. She apologized and then referred to herself as a horrible mom. Ken and I told her we loved her and she wasn't a bad mom. She's always been there for us, she always helps us out, she's a good mom. We all hugged and she said she wanted to get help, she wanted to see a therapist. Ken and I told her we'd be there for her and would support her.

After a few more minutes we all composed ourselves and went back inside. Shortly after we all went home and things seemed good.

They weren't.

Here are the texts from my mom the next day, Christmas:

"Merry Christmas. Thank you for the wonderful gifts. And . . . for a memory, I am so deeply hurt. I told Bill about the discussion. I told him about my past. Why do you target me? Why? Billy was there for me, just because. Our hope was to give you some way ahead. And you turned on me. Ya know, I have cried nonstop. I told Billy everything. I don't know if you know this, he was with me all morning, helping. He was by my freaking side the entire day. He was so shocked by these allegations, he told me just to walk away. I can't do that. I have to have treatment for extreme low blood sugar. Yeah baby, health not good. It is not from drinking. And ya know what? I don't want to care anymore. I am so hurt, so hurt. And great, gotta call grandma and grandpa. Not to worry. I am so very hurt. But I will always love you. Merry Christmas. Here you go. No alcohol, no weed, no mental drugs. Gonna call Bryan and then my folks. You two are so fast to condemn. Think about it. As hurt as I am I will always love you. And you can talk to Bill. I am always with him. My crushed feelings will pass. There is no greater love than a mother's love for her child."

Yeah. Merry Christmas.She's blatantly taking a stab at Ken and I. No weed (Ken smokes weed to manage his depression and anxiety) and no mental drugs (I'm on 3 medications to manage my bipolar disorder). This was a shock. I was at work and I talked with Ken on the phone for an hour, going over this and our interaction with her the day before. We were both confused and angry.

I'm still confused and angry. I can't stop thinking about it. I'm dreaming about it. I can't sleep because of it. Jeremy is telling me to just ignore it - and I'm trying to - but I can't. I don't know how I should respond. I'm worried. My mom is the one who picks me up from ECT - what if she won't now because of this? What about interactions with her? They're going to be highly awkward and uncomfortable. What about interactions with Bill? He's going to think Ken and I are horrible people. I just don't know what to do.

On top of all of this I'm still having suicidal thoughts. The night before last I had an extremely vivid dream about slitting my wrists (I'm not going into detail here). It completely ruined my mood yesterday. I'm trying to be okay. I'm working out, I'm eating better, I'm painting happy pictures, and I still feel like I'm just barely keeping my head above water. It's like I'm drowning and everyone around me is breathing.

But there's a smile on my face for everyone. It's just another day.   

12/12/17

I should be at work right now, but I was put on delayed start until 1100. So I'm at home, already showered, ready to go, even though I know I won't be going in.

I hate when this happens, I feel so lost. I have no idea what to do. I'm just . . . lost. First thing this morning I thought I felt good. I got up early and exercised. But as the morning carries on I'm feeling worse. More down. More lost. I'm feeling trapped inside my own head. I keep thinking I'm going to get bad and end up in the hospital. I keep having suicidal thoughts. I keep wondering why I can't be manic. I keep wondering what really will happen when I get bad again. I want to cut.

I hate feeling like this. I just want to be normal and okay and it doesn't seem like I can be that way. I think M would say I still haven't accepted bipolar disorder. I think I've accepted it as much as I can. But then, I don't know.

I'm tired of this. I just want to sleep and forget about it.

12/10/17

I woke up this morning feeling down. Legit down. Definitely not myself. I sat drinking my coffee near tears. What the fuck is up with this?

Yesterday at work I had suicidal thoughts. Thoughts about the pointlessness of life. About how I'm just going to get depressed again. And again. I'll never escape it. So why bother? I thought about how. I pictured it so vividly. And then I stopped myself and tried to correct my thinking, tried to purge those horrible thoughts . . .

But they stuck around.

I ignored them. And then when I got off work I told hubby about them. I probably scared him because I'm supposed to be better. I've been better for a month - I'm not supposed to have these thoughts anymore.

And then I wake up this morning feeling down, feeling near tears, for absolutely no reason. And those thoughts? Yeah, they're still there. I'm doing my best to ignore them, to not acknowledge them, and to counter them when they break through.

I want to cut. That flash of pain and blood stop the thoughts. I have nothing here to cut with. That's on purpose of course, but right now it's making me angry.

Oh well. I exercised, I'm listening to music, I'm trying to distract myself. I'll get through this - I've gotten through much worse.

12/8/17

It's been about 4.5 weeks now that I've been on the Vraylar. Four and a half weeks of feeling "normal", of feeling "good". I've had a couple of dips though. Last weekend, Saturday, I cut. I was feeling down, off, not right. And I cut. Sunday I felt the same but I tried to hide it and play it off.I had an instance where I went downstairs and got on the spin bike to keep from screaming and destroying things. I ended up crying. Monday I had ECT and therapy and I was definitely off - but that's probably more the ECT than anything else.

The more I think about it though, the more I think I've truly been off all week. Just not feeling myself this week. A little down but not really - I don't feel depressed. I just don't feel like me. I'm hyper sensitive, quick to anger and just off. I don't know how else to describe it.

Yesterday and today all I want to do is stay in bed and hide away and sleep. Not be bothered by anyone or anything. I think hubby is a little worried as he's noticed it.

I'm hoping this means nothing. I'm hoping this is just a little blip in the big scheme of things feeling better. Because I deserve to feel better. So I'm trying not to let it worry me. I see Dr. M on Monday and will talk to him about it.

In the meantime I'm going to try not to worry and try to be "normal".

12/1/17

It's December 1st and I believe I've been "stable" or "normal" for around 24ish days. Yay! It honestly feels so good to feel like myself again. In the throws of my last depression I didn't think it was possible. But here I am, feeling good and feeling "normal".

Today happens to be the anniversary of my dad's death. 17 years. I didn't think it would affect me but I've almost broken down several times today. I miss him so much. Hubby and I are going to go out for dessert to celebrate him.

Also, I've been more focused on working on my book. I didn't realize that I started it in 2013. Damn girl, get your shit together and write. I am. slowly. I'm still trying to figure out which direction I want it to take as it will have my artwork as well. I'll get there.

That's all I have right now, just a quick update.

11/21/17

I'm sitting in the dark in my bedroom, trying to calm myself, trying to slow my heart, trying to slow my mind. My heart is pounding and I feel adrenaline coursing through my veins. My mind is racing, a hundred different thoughts a minute. It doesn't stop, it can't stop, why won't it stop?? Words and images over and over and over and my heart is in my throat and my hands they shake and I can't sit still but I can't move either. I try breathing slowly, deeply, like everyone tells you to but it doesn't help. Don't people know that doesn't work? But I try it anyway, anything to stop this feeling.

Breathe . . .

Breathe . . .

In . . . out . . . slowly.

Breathe . . .

It's not helping. This anxiety, it's not passing. Its grip is firm, it holds me fast. Heart pounding, mind racing, hands shaking, breath quickening. . .

So I write. I sit and write in the dark in my bedroom. Maybe it will help. Get it out. Put it in words.

I feel trapped. Trapped in my own body. Trapped in my own mind. How do I even handle this?

Breathe . . .

The computer screen is so bright in this darkness, like a beacon of hope . . . it's keeping me tethered in reality . . . barely.

Breathe . . .

My heart is starting to slow. My mind is starting to slow. The room is no longer closing in on me. I can breathe. Little by little I begin to return to normal. This is not a quick process mind you. Oh no. I've been at the computer for 30 minutes, typing and breathing and struggling and fighting my mind. But I'm doing it. I'm beating this mild anxiety attack. I'm lucky it was only mild.

Breathe.

11/15/17

It's been awhile and there's been a pretty big change. Last week, on Monday the 6th I had ECT and therapy. Then on Tuesday the 7th I had an appointment with Dr. M and he changed up my meds. I'm weaning off of my Latuda (tonight will be my last night of it) and he started me on a new medication called Vraylar. And let me tell you, there's been a change in how I'm feeling. I mostly feel normal, good, fine. I've had some hypomania and some anger and anxiety, but for the most part I'm normal. No depression.

Now that I've gotten that out, I want to talk about what's also been going on. Namely, a ridiculous increase in hallucinations and a resurgence of delusions. So much fun. And wanting to smoke and cut. There's that too. (and I have cut)

Hallucinations! I see shadow figures almost everywhere, in my bedroom, in my bathroom, out and about. These include humanoid shadows and also animal shadows (mostly canid or bear). I've seen Cliff (old man), though not frequently. I saw a hovering car, bugs crawling all over the mirror and computer screen, and a large mouse which poof! Vanished. I know these are hallucinations and for the most part they aren't bothersome.

Delusions! The delusions are another story. And still, I know they're delusions but they often scare me. I'm convinced that there is going to be a man standing outside my truck door when I get home at night and he is going to grab me. I'm so anxious to leave my truck at night. I am convinced that something is going to grab me as I'm getting into bed the first time at night. I literally jump into bed to avoid being grabbed. And if I get up to pee? I'm fine. Nothing will grab me. It's only that first time getting into bed. When I shower in the morning and I wash my face I close my eyes to rinse off so soap and water doesn't get in them. Now I have to rinse as fast as I can and I actually scream and flail my arms around as I'm convinced there's someone there and they're going to grab me. I know that there's no one there, but my brain has convinced me otherwise. This is very much not fun.

And then wanting to cut and wanting to smoke . . . good God, seriously? I want to carve up my arm. I want to cut my wrist and see how much I bleed. This is not normal. And I want to smoke. I smoked 20 years ago but I'm craving it again. Even if it's just an E-cigarette. Weird.

I'm guessing I just need to give this med change more time, see how things go. I have ECT again Dec. 4th and see Dr. M in office again on Dec. 11th.